Yep..end of another week. It went slowly. Lots to do and get done.
Today was no exception. It was busy from the moment my feet hit the ground. Worked through lunch again.. fixing problems..trying to complete the regular day to day tasks.. dealing with elevated frustration levels. Both experienced and created..
No relief.. I am trying to find comfort.. I am spending too much time alone..any time with anyone is limited...and mostly going through the motions to get to the next day.
It's not bad..just not what I need.
Not much contact otherwise..
I hate to have obligations get in the way ..and cause me to miss out on who I really need.. then.. I regret having to step away for that moment..because I think it pushes the space that much further away. Making the next that much more distant or non-existent. .
Moment of insignificance. . . .
I know that isn't it..but that is how it feels..
Not..
Yes..totally the wrong location..
'I am not stuck here'
But it feels that way.
Maybe.. this situation here is the entire problem..
I need to get away from it.. just drop it and go.. don't look back.. and get rid of it all and go some place new.. I could do what my old boss did.. sell it all..move to nowhere. .and disappear.
It would be the same..but not here..in this place ..in my head.
I could open a shop..and fix stuff.. and sit at home and stare at the clouds.. watch the grass grow. . Plant stuff.. and be alone by myself.. then..there would be no hope or expectation of being more than just me. All this time has passed..and I have always been in the wrong place.. I ended up settling for what I felt I should accept..never what I deserved. ..or needed.. or wanted.
I have lived for me.. as lonely as that is.. and lived for others.. still in another form.. i find reasons to continue.. looking for any reason to smile.. hoping to grin.
I realize I look at my life the same way I look at movies..
I look for the things I like.. the situation..the premise..the acting..the way the actors interpret the script.. even the effects.. I can usually find good in the mundane . I can enjoy the good parts.. ignore the bad..poor or irrelevant.
If you go in with limited expectations..you are not devastated with the dissapointments..
You are still sad.. but it is expected..and you accept it..and continue.
As I am.. continuing to accept where I am..who I am..hoping to find a place I can make any positive change before it is so late..
I dont want to be this way for another 20 years..
I know..that no one will help me..this is my strugle..
I am looking...as if it could be phrased that way..for someone to help me..someone I can share this with.. mine and yours.. ours struggles..seperate but mutual.. together.
We all have pasts..and baggage.. some easy, some hard.
A shared burden...can lighten any load..
Understanding and compassion go along way..
Simple acceptance and knowledge, help the other realize your struggle.. a person does not have to live your tragedy to understand it.. small or big or beyond big... the right person, one that understands empathy..can and will understand.. you just have to let them..
This is for me..I will read this again and again. .and know what it meant..even though at this moment..it is coming from somewhere in the back of my mind..
this is why I 'rant'.
.
Not a cry for help..but a request to help me ..
Welcome to September.
R 9/1/2017
Today was no exception. It was busy from the moment my feet hit the ground. Worked through lunch again.. fixing problems..trying to complete the regular day to day tasks.. dealing with elevated frustration levels. Both experienced and created..
No relief.. I am trying to find comfort.. I am spending too much time alone..any time with anyone is limited...and mostly going through the motions to get to the next day.
It's not bad..just not what I need.
Not much contact otherwise..
I hate to have obligations get in the way ..and cause me to miss out on who I really need.. then.. I regret having to step away for that moment..because I think it pushes the space that much further away. Making the next that much more distant or non-existent. .
Moment of insignificance. . . .
I know that isn't it..but that is how it feels..
Not..
Yes..totally the wrong location..
'I am not stuck here'
But it feels that way.
Maybe.. this situation here is the entire problem..
I need to get away from it.. just drop it and go.. don't look back.. and get rid of it all and go some place new.. I could do what my old boss did.. sell it all..move to nowhere. .and disappear.
It would be the same..but not here..in this place ..in my head.
I could open a shop..and fix stuff.. and sit at home and stare at the clouds.. watch the grass grow. . Plant stuff.. and be alone by myself.. then..there would be no hope or expectation of being more than just me. All this time has passed..and I have always been in the wrong place.. I ended up settling for what I felt I should accept..never what I deserved. ..or needed.. or wanted.
I have lived for me.. as lonely as that is.. and lived for others.. still in another form.. i find reasons to continue.. looking for any reason to smile.. hoping to grin.
I realize I look at my life the same way I look at movies..
I look for the things I like.. the situation..the premise..the acting..the way the actors interpret the script.. even the effects.. I can usually find good in the mundane . I can enjoy the good parts.. ignore the bad..poor or irrelevant.
If you go in with limited expectations..you are not devastated with the dissapointments..
You are still sad.. but it is expected..and you accept it..and continue.
As I am.. continuing to accept where I am..who I am..hoping to find a place I can make any positive change before it is so late..
I dont want to be this way for another 20 years..
I know..that no one will help me..this is my strugle..
I am looking...as if it could be phrased that way..for someone to help me..someone I can share this with.. mine and yours.. ours struggles..seperate but mutual.. together.
We all have pasts..and baggage.. some easy, some hard.
A shared burden...can lighten any load..
Understanding and compassion go along way..
Simple acceptance and knowledge, help the other realize your struggle.. a person does not have to live your tragedy to understand it.. small or big or beyond big... the right person, one that understands empathy..can and will understand.. you just have to let them..
This is for me..I will read this again and again. .and know what it meant..even though at this moment..it is coming from somewhere in the back of my mind..
this is why I 'rant'.
.
Not a cry for help..but a request to help me ..
Welcome to September.
R 9/1/2017
posted from Bloggeroid
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