After re-reading the last posts..
Wow.. I have something in the back of my brain.. it's trying to come forward.. its eeking out in bits.. mostly incomprehensible bits..
With out all in some kind of glue to stick it together...to make sense of it. ..it is just disjointed..
I understand why.. I think I know most of the reasons..
I cannot defend myself ..explain.. prove.. me...
I should just .. stop.
Allow me to fade away..time will do that..
I think about all of this every day..I have for the past couple years.
It isn't passing..it isnt imagined. . So real it hurts.
I am stuck.
I wasted 20 years...in the wrong places.. with a one-sided connection that never improved...till it ended. Then it lingered..cause I let it. Now I am here..miles from where I want to be...and afraid to change that.. for me... I am too old to pull up and start over.. but I could..and actually should.
My house is worth way more now than ever.. I need to escape the 'grindstone'.. I see little advancement. . And the future
Isn't so bright. I could survive a relocate.. and I have discussed renting..leasing..selling..to a friend.. I know I could make it work..
I just need personal motivation to start the process.. before its too late.
. You know..I must remind myself.. that I am not 30 any more.. I lost those years to a dead end I was living in.. and from the beginning was oblivious..working hard..but just being used as an excuse.
Those days are gone gone.. now I wish I had those years back.. to continue where I shut out the rest of the world..to be there.. for nothing.
Not anything I had not been through before..
I made the best of it..as always..but never enough. Not for me.. I made do. With a smile.
So.. where am i now?
Right here..
Trying to smile..
Just getting up everyday and doing what is required..
Settling because I must.. but not 'happy' .. I have been happier..
I have let lots of important things slide.. to appear happy and busy..
It needs to stop.. I need to decide a direction..make a choice..and just do it.. make it happen.. no one will do this for me..
No one will openly encourage me.. I must guess and do what I can.. for me..
Because I have no.. us...
R 9/21/17
Wow.. I have something in the back of my brain.. it's trying to come forward.. its eeking out in bits.. mostly incomprehensible bits..
With out all in some kind of glue to stick it together...to make sense of it. ..it is just disjointed..
I understand why.. I think I know most of the reasons..
I cannot defend myself ..explain.. prove.. me...
I should just .. stop.
Allow me to fade away..time will do that..
I think about all of this every day..I have for the past couple years.
It isn't passing..it isnt imagined. . So real it hurts.
I am stuck.
I wasted 20 years...in the wrong places.. with a one-sided connection that never improved...till it ended. Then it lingered..cause I let it. Now I am here..miles from where I want to be...and afraid to change that.. for me... I am too old to pull up and start over.. but I could..and actually should.
My house is worth way more now than ever.. I need to escape the 'grindstone'.. I see little advancement. . And the future
Isn't so bright. I could survive a relocate.. and I have discussed renting..leasing..selling..to a friend.. I know I could make it work..
I just need personal motivation to start the process.. before its too late.
. You know..I must remind myself.. that I am not 30 any more.. I lost those years to a dead end I was living in.. and from the beginning was oblivious..working hard..but just being used as an excuse.
Those days are gone gone.. now I wish I had those years back.. to continue where I shut out the rest of the world..to be there.. for nothing.
Not anything I had not been through before..
I made the best of it..as always..but never enough. Not for me.. I made do. With a smile.
So.. where am i now?
Right here..
Trying to smile..
Just getting up everyday and doing what is required..
Settling because I must.. but not 'happy' .. I have been happier..
I have let lots of important things slide.. to appear happy and busy..
It needs to stop.. I need to decide a direction..make a choice..and just do it.. make it happen.. no one will do this for me..
No one will openly encourage me.. I must guess and do what I can.. for me..
Because I have no.. us...
R 9/21/17
posted from Bloggeroid
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