Lunch date.. not!

Yup.
I had scheduled one..
Not. Something came up.
It was only to meet a friend, one that cares, to tell me what I am doing wrong. How I should be settling.. how I am the problem.
So I guess it's ok that she didn't have time for me to buy her lunch.
I was gonna listen. To see what I am missing..why it won't be settling.

As new year's eve approaches..
I expect to be invited to that party.. I am looking for alternatives.
One presented itself..one I inquired on. So far .. no takers.
I will probably go to bed early ..at home ..alone.

2016 needs a send off.
Go away and never come back.

Maybe a quiet non-celebrated new year is the way to go.

I should ask my friend..and apologize.
For being me.
Maybe I can get somethings straight. Explain the futility of it all.
I am not what the 'settling' needs and it would not benefit me in the future. Been there done that..tried extensively. .and hurt for it.
Not looking for a repeat.

January is fast approaching.
I should plan something.
Before I start working 20 hrs a day.

I just turned 111 thousand miles on my car. More than 13,000 since july. A thought.

I should refinance my home. Take some cash out..delete some bills.
Make it easier to move throught 2017.

Options.

If I am not focused on a girl..I can focus on fixing .. filling in this hole.. deleting the debt.

I have had none to focus on. I have been troubled by my mind..and it's preoccupations.. to no positive end.
Those friendships. Yes they are very important. But not moving beyond friend status. And limited as such.

Note: if I am chasing you.. don't get into a fast car and speed away...
I will run out of steam and give up.
If I am chasing you.. turn around and run toward me.. we may collide. .but we will both be happier.

Not that anyone will listen to that.

I need a change of scenery. A change of options.
Some thing new.

I tossed and turned for hours last night.
Mulling over many things. Worry's. Concerns.
My lunch conversation..which didn't happen.

I finally slept. Then shut off each alarm. Almost late for work.
Slow day. Finished another old project. Ordered some parts.
Rigged some circuits. Created some bills. Went by my friends and kept his cat company for an hour and a half.
Went home cleaned..cooked..cleaned..fixed some work.

Now..I'm here. Blogging.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Payday Friday.. bills will take all and I will need to be creative ..
My young adult has plans..so I figure I will be finishing leftovers. Then early bed. Maybe with a couple hours of reading.

Friday should be a short work day. On call but praying for a quiet weekend.

I just may inquire.
Make some plans that deviate.

Be unavailable.

Or just be quiet.

Hmmm

I am really sorry that your offspring cannot find any reason to see who I really am.

.

R 12 28 16

posted from Bloggeroid

Last week of 2016

Here we are.
Ticking away.
I have a few things to accomplish this week. If everything cooperates.
Parts, time, equipment.
I should be able to get some of it done.

Bills are caught up.. but more coming. One more paycheck this year. I deferred 2 months of a bill.. and paid $200 more than tbe payments to do it.. lesson learned. . Dont do that again.

I need to explore the parttime job..
Or 2017 will be the death of my credit score.

I will raise a glass to a departed friend. I learned JJ has gone to find his dad. He was a good ole boy. A friend. I know he is missed.

I took a drive on Sunday. Just me.
Pearl and my Floyd CDs. 250 miles.
I needed to clear my head. Not talk to anyone.
I know I disappointed my young adult. She didn't get what she asked for. Most I didn't know. Much I didn't have the cash for.
Plus.. 1/17/17 is coming. Got to plan for that.
Expensive dinner... I will plan.
She is figuring out the 'im pretty buy me stuff' ..which concerns me.
Because she isn't targeting me.
We have to have a chat.

The last few months have had me wondering. Questioning.
I have restricted myself, holding back, I need to figure out where I am heading, I have been planning and canceling, looking for reasons. I have found many reasons not.
I have not found any replacement or reason to try.
Some notes disturb me.
One.. it is apparent.. I am not allowed.
Two..it is apparent it still matters.
So removal does not help.
Also..nothing will ever help.
So..that means.. give up. Stop waiting for it to pass. It won't.
You have no chance. You did. But you don't.
Maybe you never did.
Hmm..been here before..a long time ago.
You never learn.

Yes.. I could try..maybe she won't hold it against me.
But I feel I have passed up..and backed up. I don't know if that changes stuff. I also don't think it will go far. Lots of unknowns.

Local.. can't figure that out .
I don't know where to step.
Nothing happening..just someone to talk to.
I have to adjust my schedule to accommodate. .
That is tough. I am set in the late night. Early evening would be an adjustment.
Some young people go to bed far too early.
Or they have decided that they need to be home..by x..

I think I really just need to give up.
I am old. I am unique.
No one really gets me..no one realizes what I need.
No one really cares to know.
No one really cares to know me.
Hmm.. I know I have said that before.
I am not that different..not that odd.
I have stepped out and been slapped with the realization, many times. I never learn.
I guess I am hopeful.
Silly boy..not for you.

I know I have missed the window..thank you 'A' for using up all my usefullness.

Not bitter.just disappointed.

After all this time. You would think I could work this out.
Find the one that gets me.. find one that appreciates what I offer.

I am far from needing anything specific. Yes I have criteria..who don't..but I have gone beyond that many times..taken the leap.
No.. it don't ever work. But it could.
If I could be in love with a lesbian for 20 years.. really!

So..now I am alone.

Too old to know what to do to go anywhere else .. alone.. is where I am.

I guess I need to stop dwelling on this. It isnt helping.
It surely isn't changing.

Work..work is the answer.
Then time and vacations and freetime is no longer a problem.
Sanity will have to be faked, but done that before..
Work work work work... I can do it. 2017 the year of work..
It will pay the bills. .... and pay the bills..
Did I say it will pay the bills?


I can go back to the grumpy old man I have become.

No reason to smile.
So why should I?

I am just too old to be thinking about happiness.
I missed it.. 20 years ago.. put my eggs in the wrong basket.
If I only knew.

Ok. Enough of that..I was spiraling down..

My friend.. is realizing his mortality..
His disease.. and age and loss..
I cannot console him.
I should find a way.

I am concerned that my life will change abrubtly.
If it does. Many things out of my control will change.
I am not sure I am ready.
I am worried.
I have always said it is better to think that way than think you are irreplaceable. Pride is a downfall.
My life is a true example..you can be replaced.. expect it. Plan for it.
If it never happens..lucky you. If it does.. no surprize!
Move on.
Tuck n roll.....

I will need to re-read this one.
(I did an edited..punctuated..clarified)
I have no idea what I have written..

I have less than a week of this year left.
I really have no end of the year wisdom to pass on.
2016 has not been a notable year.
Lots of consolation. Lots of 'just take what is given'
Accept the cards as dealt.
Move on..forward..stop standing still.

Yes. Nothing worked out as you expected.
You didn't win..
You haven't lost.
Just keep trying.

Someday.. that person you will know..will know you are the one...
Not ..were the one.. are!
Someday.

You know..
In my life.. I have known several that could have been..
Had the potential..for extreme happiness.
Several

Things happened .. life and such ..
Age ..time..family..distance...and timing.
I am older than I am..I feel younger than I should. .
I cannot live where I need to ...
No one will let me.
Not even me.

Montana.

I figured out a few years ago.
I can buy 1000 acres In. Montana.. become self-sufficent.. add a satellite.. and internet..and live off the grid..and no one will know..or care.
Create an internet business. Repair equipment.. and farm.
Drop off..
The UPS man and postman be my only face to face friends..

I may be doing it now.. you would never know.

Something to think about.

R 12/27/16






I

posted from Bloggeroid

Blank

This is kind of fitting.
I posted a blank page.
Must have hit post twice.
So, now I am editing the blank post.

As I said kind of fitting. I am filling in the blanks at work.
Knocking off the projects I started but never finished.
Remote camera's. Rear door magnet lock and panic bar.
I also need to replace the front entry remote opener system.
I bought most of the parts for all of these projects last april.
Now I have made the time to finish.
I still have the new vehicle to get done, but waiting for that to come back from being fixed and logo'd.
I have completed the employee reviews.
And I have submitted my vacation time to clear it off the books.
I have been on vacation all this week and all last week...on paper.
I have been doing my repair work at home, I am caught up.
Waiting on payments.

My kiddo is still doing the same.
I am still doing the same.
Still stuck. Still indecisive. Plans come and go.
I get hints and ideas but nothing is manifesting..nothing falling into place..to say ..ok. good Idea..lets do this.

Oh I read somethings between the lines..sometimes the subtle is not mistakeable.

(Edit)

It is what it is.
Some try. I see. But I don't bite. I cannot. Not yet. Not now. The only upfront isn't a hint at all. It just is.
I actually had a short conversation ..mostly listening and agreeing..you do that when the speaker needs to talk through the last 5 drinks.. about how even if we find another we still have eachother..because we get us. Not great..but good.
Still not going anywhere I need to be.

I know I need to work. Work more.
It will be good for me. I won't spend so much time on the couch watching tv. I will have more money. Less time... to be lonely. My bills will get paid. I won't have to worry about having time off.. because I will work while on vacation. I will be too tired to worry about coming home to an empty bed.
Lots of wins.
The example may fire up the young adult.
May.

But.. what to do?
Gas station/convenience store?
Late night retail?
Life of crime?... lol

Nothing has presented it self as opportunities .
Maybe night office cleaning. I know a guy... hmm.

I need to do something. . Go somewhere. . In January.
Or February. I think..Seattle or Oregon. I know people in those places..and I have never been.
Scout out..

Its that flee mentality. I could rent out the house.. and boogie.

I know..it creeps in. It is back there.. in my head. Sometimes screaming..usually whispering.

I look around and think.. I have nothing..no one..no reason..other than a job I cannot replace, that barely pays my bills. To keep me here in this place. No friends. No lovers. Barely a reason to get up each day and a strangled pillow waiting for me in my bed each night. I have no one here that knows .. me. My struggle, my wants or needs.
It is really tough sometimes.
I know I am not alone. I sympathize with all I know dealing with the same. I feel I cannot complain too much. I have it pretty good compared to most I know. Yes, it still hurts... just as much.

Lonely is lonely.
Broke is broke...even if you have money coming in. If it is already spent. .you are still broke. You still worry about if your gonna pay that bill that is due. You juggle..you figure it out. If I didn't have the money..it's easy..no one gets paid.
I cannot complain. I dug that hole.. now a money pit.
My fault. But I am living it.

Yes, I have dedication..I need to be responsible..do what I have to. Pay what I owe. Live my life. Do my job. Get up and do it all again.
Which is why I am still doing the same thing..day in day out.

So much for 'blank'.

I am sitting here in a crowded place... totally alone.
Feeling..and being.
Drinking a couple beers to numb the mind..to be able to sleep.
Then get up and do it all again..and again.. and again.

R 12 /21/16

posted from Bloggeroid

posted from Bloggeroid

I could be bored out of my mind!

I just said that out loud.
A fitting title.
A lot going on. And nothing.
My grade of importance has a rigid scale.
Not much makes the scale. The things that do are mind numbing.
The things I need to fix verses the things that I can fix and the things I have no power over that need to be fixed.
Very logarithmic.. no gradual less to most.. leaps and bounds between steps.
It is really kind of overwhelming.
You step back and see the enormity of it all as a whole..and cannot see how it can be done..even attempted.
But as in all things .. take one step at a time. Fix what you can, little by little. Whittle away at it. And after time you can see progress.
As you move forward..even in inches.. it adds up.
You have climbed up farther than you thought.
Now the top isn't so far. Not so daunting. Attainable.
The things that you thought prevented you from even starting are now miniscule. And past.

So with all that going on. Now.
How can I be bored and lonely?

How?

If you do it enough. Conquer the mountains put before you so often, it no longer gives you the satisfaction you had before.
It is still hard, still a challenge. But the conquest does not have such a fanfare.. you do it because you must.. you won't give up..you can't. You have lost the goal. You do out of need. Not out of want.

You are lost.
Going through the motions.
Getting to the next day.
They come faster and faster..

With out a reason.

Other than continuing to look for the next thing to fuel your steps.
You make things to motivate you. Bills. Responsibilities. Nothing that completes the holes, just new reasons not to give up.

Because you believe there is a reason out there.
A need to be filled. One you can fill.

But you are incomplete. And you know it.

So, the days pass and you keep on.
The day to day struggle is real...painful.. hopeless..or so it seems.
You have been here many times. You have found reasons to glow..to light the way..good for you and those you touch.

Light!

Bright!

You know you have touched souls of perfect people.
Helped. Made a difference. Shared your light and love.
Enlightened those in the darkest hours. They in turn have fueled your light to make it so bright, itsaved you too.

You share for the sole reason of completion.
Yours and mine.
It is not only for you. It is for me.
It gives me .. acknowledgment.. justification. . The reason I am living this life I live.
But . .. you will never know this.

R 12/20/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Mid month

We are getting closer.
To what I dont know.
The year is almost over.
I am right here. Where I have been. Deep in the middle of indecision.
Taking what I can. Wishing for more. No idea how to make it happen.
I need to make a plan and make it happen.
I need to look for more options. Make it happen.
I can return to the temporary. Make it work. But I still don't want it to be the only option.
I still have no idea how to make any changes. What can I give up? What change or give away will make any difference.
I have been pulling away from the public sharing, limiting it to weather and scenery. Even less weather. Very very little personal.
I don't think anyone wants to hear how pathetic I feel.
Yes.. we are all lonely this time of year. And none of us 'loners' have figured out if we got together we could help eachother out of it.
Well, we may have but figure no one else has.
I guess we should have a meeting.

What really burns me, is that I never thought that at this age I would need to be looking for friends..anyone that would accept me into their circle. This is how I struggled years ago. Looking for friends that accepted me for who I really was. That is why the latched on to those that would let me. Those that accepted my weirdness.
Even to the extent of allowing myself to be used for what I could do.
It was acceptance, in a world I didn't think I fit in. I survived.
Barely.
Oh I hurt. Over and over.
I gave all I had, just to be discarded. Used. Abandoned.
Yeah, yeah.. not 'hunky' not too pretty. Over all ... useless.
Sure, for a while.. I accepted the being used as all I had to offer.
Sometimes it allowed me to be happy...for a short period of time.
I accepted it and took what I could from it. Yeah, it hurt. But such as it was..I accepted what I was given..took from it what I could... and suffered the aggravation of not being able to keep the happy In me.
Oh, I hoped for realization. I hoped for the happy to continue. To come back. But it never did.
No going back.
No matter how right it may have been. Or could be.
Yes, the potential happiness is there. But I cant make it happen on my own. If you give up, I am lost. I will keep trying. And I will hurt as I realize that it is not gonna change.
Funny. Been here again and again.
I still cannot figure what I did wrong , or what I didn't do.
Usually I cannot do anything. The timing was wrong.
But I see a pattern. I choose those that will hurt me.
I hope I can make my presence known. Show that I am worthy. Show that I can be all you would ever need.
Just to be discarded.
When I was young and all that.. I was discarded. So it is no surprise now..or should be no surprize. .. that I am good for now...but not good enough.

So, here I am near the end of another year.
Still alone. Longing not to be.
With no open options.

Clueless as always.

Lonely as always.

You would think I would be used to it by now.
But no. It just hurts.

I need to find the strength to make the leap.
Just drop off and start over.
Go somewhere no one knows me.
Close all my accounts and just disappear.
Run away from the hurt..indecision.. pain..
Start out as a hermit and just give up all and everything.
It really isn't much different from the life I have lead for the past year.
Just less expectations to fail.

I guess I hurt. More than I really know. Or admit.
It may be the time of year. It may be perceptions of my life.
Indecisions.
The realization that I still have no control.
My past is not helping me.
I know I have more to offer, I just cannot find who deserves it.
I think I know..and get told it isn't enough or something prevents it from being a reality.

My options .. my destinations .. have disappeared.
I have no 'invitations'. Not that has ever prevented me, but in this state, I don't want to intrude. .the last thing I want is to be a requirement.
If I am not wanted..I do not want to force my presence.
It is why I don't visit family.
Yes, I have burned some bridges. Totally my fault.
I will never know.
My fault. Sorry.
More sorry for me. It may have been the thing I needed.
Now I feel it would be lessened.. if I was to attempt.
So..I can't go there. Choice made.. wrong choice.
I can't go back and say..sorry..I should have picked you.. I didn't ..it went a different way so now I choose you..
No.. I cannot do that.
Everyone looses.

Sorry.

So I should just drop off all connectivity.
Disappear.
No one will really miss me..for too long.
I can really be alone.
In all aspects.. lose the hope..and accept the reality.
Give up on the hope of happy.

Sorry so down.
It is that time of year.
Not a lot of smiles.
Just day to day.

Looking. But never finding.
Too many years of that.
I should be used to it.

I am not.

No one but me really cares.

Truth. I know this. No way for me to change it.
I accepted it years ago.
I hide it well.
Well, maybe I don't.

Well. Thoughts in my head... don't always come out.. but they are there. Nothing ominous..just decisive.

Montana was my escape..years ago.. the place I would go if I wanted to disappear.

I think I need my Montana.

R
12/16/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Cold.

It is usually cold out this time of year.
Funny how we have added the temperature to a feeling.
You can feel cold.
You can get a cold feeling.
You can project a cold feeling.

Heat.. a similar subject. Also a description of a feeling beyond temperature.

I remember that kind of 'heat'.
Very fondly. I not only felt it, I generated it. :)
Seems like ages ago.

There are times I feel I am wasting time and good energy.
It is a shame to not share my energy.
It does me no good if I don't share it. If I don't make it known.
Unfortunately I never learned how to advertize it.. so I could share it with the willing, and deserving. The ones that would truly benefit and share that with me. Sometimes I get lucky and find someone who can appreciate what I can do for them..and for me.
Oh yes, I get as much and more in return.
But if it isn't shared.. it is meaningless. I get nothing if I cannot give it away. It won't serve me unless it is affecting someone else first.
It has to help someone. That is how it helps me.
That is how I benefit. The recoil.. the bounce back.. gives me something I cannot explain. It has to impact someone, truly make a difference before I get a return.
It is not intentional..it is not why I do it. It is how i can keep on.
Payment if you will. Acknowledgment. Justification. The power to be able to keep on.
Being the other way is too easy in this world. Being me is difficult.
But I can be no one else.
So I need the power that helping someone else gives me.
Without it .. I am lost.
Just that old guy. That lonely angry guy.
The one no one wants or needs to know.

I have a friend. Someone I know.
That everytime we meet. All I do is talk.
And listen. I think the friendship could be so much more..but I don't see it..so all I do is talk. I am sure if I was given a hint..I would miss it.
I try so hard not to be awkward..silent.. I am sure I have dampened the relationship. . To just talking friends.

Yet..
I am just me.
Weird. Awkward. Lonely.
Oblivious.

I have been thinking I need to find an out.
A reason to be somewhere else.
This work change may be the thing.
I need to pay attention.
Look for opportunities. Pray they don't 'let me go'.

Yes. I still worry about that. I always will.

Like all of my personal relationships.
I have to constantly worry. If I ever think I am 'good' ..got it made..
That usually means it was over long ago..and I will find out soon.

Clueless when I am happy.

So best to be not.
Which is why I am .. here.

Cold. Resisting.
Miserable.
Alone.
Cautious.

Change..
(I almost typed chance! )

Cold.


C old

R 12/12/16

Good luck.
We all need it.

posted from Bloggeroid

Snow.

Well it is December.
Been cold and snowy for the last 2 days. It was supposed to stop today at noon. It did in the mountains..but kept coming down slow and light all day. Still going now. Not a lot just enough to cover windshields and sidewalks. I only pushed the broom at home once. And at work once. (I had help at work)

Speaking of help, tomorrow I am taking my department to lunch as a thanks for doing their jobs and For showing up most of the time, on time.
We have survived this year of uncertainty. With an uncertain..certain next year. Maybe 10 more months.

Time moves on.

On another note I am accepting my last beer of my 20th beer tour.
That is 20 times 110. In less than 5 years. No more than 4 per day.
A personal milestone. (Less by 2 weeks).

Moving on.

I guess I am a constant.
Not really a good thing. A reliable thing. A fall back.
A safe place.
Or maybe just a loser you can always count on to be there.
No plans, ready to drop nothing to be fit into your holes in your minute.
' I'm not a dweeb. ..'
But make me work for it a lil...
Or tease me and just pass out. Drop off..fall asleep.
I am not chasing it...at least not right now.

Yes, I missed the other you, maybe by minutes.. and I am still here alone.. by myself.
Hey, nothing new there.

As always you are afraid of me. Or you.
I cannot keep being rejected. I feel each cut. I bleed.
Yet, I keep trying.
I only can for so long.

Issues surround. I cannot help so I cannot interject.
Stability is a ghost. Not sure if it really exists. If I want to know, I have to take a step. And see if my foot comes back or not.
Just a little scary.

But it may snow more tonight and tomorrow before it goes up to 50 degrees for the weekend.

Could I go back ?
Please.
No, I know I can't.
Shame.

I think I missed my chances. All of them.

Yes, I did what I did. Made it what it was. Im happy about that.
But, nothing left for me.

I guess..this is life.
My life.

Time is past time to figure out something better suited to .. this me..

Lack of direction, decision.
I need to look. If I do I will find.
Even one of the three isnt really here anymore.
I can pay bills anywhere on this planet.
All of my reasons for being in this vicinity are melting away.
Knowing this..means I need to change this.
I feel the way I feel.. seperated.. because of me.
I allow it. I need to find a reason to make a change.
A reason not to sit here and have no where to go.

A reason to enjoy the snow again.

Maybe more later..

R 12/9/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Next

Cold in here.
Cold snap happening. Gonna snow.
I am so ready.
Yes I am old. I still love snow.
I don't mind moving it. Driving in it. Watching it fall.
I have graduated to the point of enjoying it when everyone else hates it. I have ..as far as I know..always loved the snow.
I learned to drive in it..trial and error.. learned what vehicle configuration works..or dont.. and loved every minute of it.
I learned how to drive a vehicle not ready for snow in the snow.. make it work..
Fun!
Alone or with friends.. 2 wheel or 4..
A skill many never know.

Donuts in an empty parking lot..in the snow!

.
Here I sit.
Me.

I am so lucky.
I know no one that has done anything close to my life.
And been close to what I have experienced. .
Try it.
Live it.
For a lonely geek.. I have had an experience!


Cold. Alone.tired.indecisive.
And always tempted.

I have a few decisions to make.

A few options.. some were not there..or not aparrent before.
Now . Maybe.
Deciphering..
A task.. a skill.
Often wrong.
But.. sometimes... right on the money!
(Another one I need to research)

Hey!.
Stop.
Stop being ... confusing.

Stop being mysterious.

Yes. It is a filter. A way to keep the .. undesirables away.. guessing, for ever more.
But.. it hinders those of us that care.
Really care.

You know..if we go for a long time...
And lose hope. Lose a .. confirmation.. we doubt.

We suffer. We wonder. We. .. I .. doubt my self.

Sorry it dropped to this place..
But .. it is.. where I live.
Have lived for so long.

...
. . .
. . .

I need a change.

R 12-06-16

posted from Bloggeroid

Indecision

I looked again today.
I found specials.
Then I went home and paid the next 2 weeks bills.

Problem solved.

It is a 3 pay check month.
I have made changes and adjustments to this and that.
Delayed a thing or two.
My roof and gutters are finished. Except for the omissions on two places. All the major stuff is done.
I still need to roof the shed. I need 2 more bundles of shingles and a box of nails. And a warmer day.

I almost can talk myself into just doing it.

I sit here and mull it over. Time ticks and prices and availability changes. Been that way since August.

The tasks at work have been on going. Finishing this and that. Important expensive stuff. Solving the issues, one by one.
The live truck arrived and had minor issues with the equipment, and developed a major issue. Which required it to be towed in for repair. Shooting fluids all over. Not bad for a brand new $185,000 vehicle. To have a bad hose. Just a little tense for a little bit, having to explain what we found and need to explain to the general manager why he saw our new purchase being towed down the street.
And other purchase equipment issues..stuff just not working as it is supposed to.
I kinda have to make sure all this is working properly before I disappear. It is my responsibility.

So the decisions are related to responsibility, need, and requirements.
My overthinking mind prevents me from doing something just for me without finishing my tasks first.

Damn responsibility.

But as my HR person reminded me... I need to get away.
Destress.

Life would be so much easier if I had better reasons to do things I need to do for me. I have no obligations to anyone.
I imperess obligation on myself to help my young adult. But really I should let her fend for herself.
Short of kicking her out.
She needs to adult.
I have added $580 per month in bills to my Income covering her college bills. Plus the almost weekly spending cash. A few hundred a month. It is getting to be a bit much.

No wonder I am not on top of my bills.
Juggle..juggle..

It is not all about money. It is all of it and more.

I have no outlet for my stresses. No one to vent to when needed.
No idea what will be my next move.

Run.
Run.
Run.

Repeating in my mind.
I realize I am at a good place in my job.
I have respect. I get the work done. I have good history.
I can be relied on.
Now is a great time to move on.
I am up. I would get a great recommendation.
I could.. go anywhere. I don't really have to start over.
I should be able to find a 'lateral' move.
Of Course 'should' is the operative word.

Decisions..and indecision.

R
12/03/16.

posted from Bloggeroid

If I quit looking I will stop finding..

But where is the fun In that?
I just realized I also have 2 more days of unused time that expires at the end of this month. Making a total of 80 hours..

Ha!

I may just put it on the schedule as if I took it all. And come into work anyway.
I've been staying late almost everyday for the past few weeks.
Not that it matters. Not that im getting paid extra for it. I am just getting stuff done. At least it feels that way.

I need to do a few things.
Some new, most as always. Changes to me. Refinements to my attitude. Make those choices and step away from the me I have been for so long. I have made subtle changes over the years. Most have worked into myself for the better. But the fear and apprehension is still there. If just peeking around the corner. Enough for me to see. And know. And it affects what I do and how I approach life.
Those things are needed if my life is to be different than what it has been. But I am not sure how to move into this. I have every now and then. It was good. Ended poorly but it was good. Made that bold move, that welcome advance. I really don't know where I got the idea/feeling to even speak up. It amazed me.
Yes , stress and tears happened. But it was good for a good while.
Learning experience.

You get curves thrown at you. If you duck you miss out if you swing. Sometimes you get that hit.

Changes in attitude need to be made. Unless I want to be stuck here for another year.
In many places.

I have that feeling, the one, to run. To go and leave a lot behind.
I still have that baggage that I can box up and leave behind.
I have age and experience. But no where to apply it.
I can no longer justify pack-up and move ..cold without a destination, a new future. I am not young and wanted any more.
I need to find a need I can fill. And present myself to do that.
Again if I don't ask, I won't know.
Changes at work are inevitable. They happen. I need to find a change I can use to my advantage.

I just realized, this moment, my young adult has no ties to this place. None. No job. No friends. No favorite places. Not even her mom. Nothing is keeping her here. Not one thing.
What is my excuse.. the one of three requirements.
That is nothing.
I need to rethink this.
Step by step. I need to go through the research.. as I do. And find out why I am sitting in this chair at this time. Now.

Hmmm.

I can be alone anywhere. Why not some where new, or old? Somewhere with friends.

I know, I have friends here. Just not Friends. I know people and get along with most. I dont have many that will call and say hey what are your plans for tonight or tomorrow? Right now.. probably 2 people. One I cannot figure out. The other is just looking to be a friend.
The one I cant figure out.. is minorly transparent. Curious, but I do not figure into anything more than a friend. As far as I know.

Things are never what they seem.
I may just be not agressive enough.
I tried. It was accepted, but ignored.

Past pain will do that to most.

I can't be that bold. To see if it's real.
Afraid of the push off.
You know the one that always happens.
' your great.. go away'

:(

Too many times.
It just hurts. No one realizes how much effort is required to get to that point. To drop all the walls and step out of the comfort zone.
To open up and put it all out there, naked. Just the real me.
It just hurts to be all in and open, to be told you are not enough.
Yes, it may be just that they are not allowing themselves to be happy, they feel its wrong. So they push away.

You are only gonna be happy if you let yourself.
You will always find an excuse why you cannot be happy.
The past. The future. The present.
This applies to all of us.
I know lt. It is difficult to change that attitude.
It can happen.
If you really want.
Your past is a learning experience. It should never dictate your present or future. Yes I know it does, if you let it.

Many of us have pasts that we never let become the past.
It consumes our present.
I am by no means saying to let go of your past.
It's experiences have made you what you are right now!
But we all must learn to use our pasts to mold our future.
To allow us to live in the now not the then.
The then has lots of darkness. Our now has darkness.
But if we dwell on it now.. we feel it's pain.
If we dwell on the then.. It's pain will prevent the now.
And postpone the future.
We should never forget our pasts.
But we should never restrict our present because of our past.
If we do, we are not learning from the experience, good and bad, of the past. There always is good and bad. We like to remember the good, as we should.
Nothing is perfect. We are imperfect beings. We make mistakes.
The good we do must out weigh the things we do wrong.
No one is immune to bad choices. Mistakes.
It is just how much we dwell on one or the other.

We need to break out, sensibly, to the forgiving, understanding, persons we should be.
I mess up, you mess up.
What is forgiveable.what isnt?
It depends on your perception and your level of forgiveness.

Not everyone can see the good in a person who is not being good.. or not trying. Or who has given up or in to the next thing.

Sometimes there is no going back. Some times there isn't a chance.

Forgive.
Do not make it your responsibility to correct someone else's misgivings . They are only human.
You are only human.

Love.
Forgive.
Live in the now.

R 12/2/16
Tick tock

posted from Bloggeroid

And on to December.

Here we are. Where did the days go? Flying along. I have run out of time again.
I have a week and 2 days vacation, I will lose of I don't use it in the next 30.

Same dilemma. Tired of the confusion, indecision. I had worked it all out. Made plans that would work. Mulled over destinations. Kept talking myself out of committing to something.

My mind is trying to decide how to do this. And of course, failing to come to a reason to do one over another.
I don't want to intrude. I don't want to risk the awkward or more importantly the rejection.
I am, have always been a coward..no, guarded. Too afraid of the rejection, ths bad timing, the pain associated with hurting someone I care for.
My problem is I cannot hurt the ones I love. Even if they don't feel the same.
There is lots more to this, at least in my head. I just cannot allow myself to go there. At least not how I want to.

So, here I am, starting the first day of the last month of 2016.
I have time to burn. No idea how to approach how to use it.

I need it . I need to escape and decompress.
Some good company would help. But familiar surroundings would work too.

So.
Moving forward. I may have found a night job. A little quick short cash to pay off the new bills. Something to do with my late nights.
Waiting to hear.

The last 2 days i have struggled to get out of bed and to work on time. Another personal indicator that I need to purge the crap in my head. Get back to that place where I know who I am and what I can do. It's elusive but without a daily affirmation or at least a purpose, beyond paying my bills. I will make less bills if I have something driving my day to day.
Here I am struggling, because I have no one to do for.
Yes, my young adult has requirements. But it has become a given. I will and do because I feel I have to. And she knows it.
Have I said how intelligent she is.
Yes, my fault.
Yes, I would be so alone if she left and found a life that excluded me, yes I am afraid of that.
Afraid she will do what her mom did, what I did to my own parents.

I have contributed to the perfect example of what she could do.

Yes, I know how alone I would be.
I think that is why I am allowing the present lonelyness.
Preparation.

I have not given this open thought. Just background thoughts.
I know its real.

I need to just continue.
Keep my eyes open.
Pay attention.

It may help to get out and be more open.
Stop overthinking.
Yeah, right!

I have been telling myself that since I was 17.

I will try to get this last months time used.
I could really use a friendly escape.
I guess I need to find an ocean to listen to.
Been a while.

December is almost here.
Maybe I should just go skiing in Vermont.
There is a thought.

Hmmm

As I said before. I can be alone anywhere. It don't have to be here.

Here is where you are.

Hello December.

R 11/30/16
For 20 more minutes...

posted from Bloggeroid

What to do

I have been fighting this dilemma in my mind.
It is puzzling to me.
Things I want to do.
Things I know I need to do.
And what I think I should not do.
I cannot over-justify any of it.
I should. I can. I just cannot make the steps.
I look, plan, justify, decide, and then put it off.
I have no real excuse except, doubt.
I know I can make it worth it. I know I wont regret it.
But, I am not sure how to go about it.
I am not overly concerned about the costs involved.
Some I worry about. Some I justify.
It is completely the wrong time of year.
I should either give it up or do something else.

Something else, comes in 3 options.
Do nothing.
Do nothing , but at home.
Do something different.

I cannot decide.

Yes. I know it is my sanity, I need to feed.
My ego. My center.
Some of the many reasons the cost isnt a real factor.

Of course responsibility fits into this.
And a lesson.
Then modes of transport.

Then if I dont do the something else, how do I do it.
With stealth? With lets see what happpens? Or planned?

Planned always ends up with last minute changes.
Lets see is usually ok, but key things get overlooked.
Stealth, while isn't completely stealth, lately has not worked as well as before. People have life plans and issues that no longer accommodate 'last minute'.

The something else. It looks inviting. No broken promises. Inexpensive. Probably get plenty of sleep. And prob wont help anyone. Not even me.

I know I could flip the destination reasons and approach it differently. But I am scared. I do not know much. And I never go in blind. That just ends in pain and heartache.
Confusion and wonder.

I have enough of that in my day to day.

I should not restrict my possibilities. Especially if they are there.
Yes, I am weak. Lonely and not quite desperate, but not a fool, well not much of one.

It is better than before.
Just not what I ever figured it would be.
Not by a long shot.

Long ago, way back when, you hoped, dreamed, learned the rituals you were required to do. You had a righteous thought. You would only love, never give in, just because, you would find the 'true' , not give away what should be earned.

Over time. With many fires and much pain. You learned.
You learned the value. Even the lack of value.
What you could give to receive. What you thought you needed, vs what you needed.
You 'settled' , you resisted. It resisted you, ran from you, naturally you chased it. Just to learn you were chasing a feeling that someone convinced you that you needed to find. Only to find, yoh needed more, much more. You wanted something that you had not defined. Until you realized exactly what it was.

Hopefully it was not after you had already blown it.
Sometimes it was.
Sometimes you realize it hasn't happened yet.
Your life up to now was purely a stepping stone, a learning experience.
Is it too late, have you missed the window??
I guess I am proof. You get many chances.
It just hinges on how you handle each chance.
What you do. How you do it.

Yes, we all die alone.
No reason we need to be alone before then.
But, absolutely no reason to settle.

So, back to it .
To go, or not.
To try new, or stay.
To just forget it, or to fight for the chances.

I have had no outside suggestions.
Some small hints.
But not really invitations.

I don't get hints. Even more so now.

Spit it out.
Reach out and grab hold.
Make a choice! Make it known.

Then, just maybe, there will be 2 less lonely people.

Yes.. that 'time and distance' thing.

It is always there.
But, you know, things can happen.
Sometimes a person just needs motivation.
A reason to make the decision to make any change.

Really. I can be alone and isolated anywhere.
It can be here or anywhere.

I will go where I can, to not be alone!

I just need a reason.
I have moved many times to not be broke or alone.
More times to not be alone without consideration of money.
I have lived with less. I am living with more than I ever have.
And I am not happy. Not satisfied.

So?
What to do?

What?

I have had a few weeks of what to do.
I have been making adjustments to memand my life.
Just to see where it leads.
So far, it is not going far.

That means.. I am doing this wrong.
I need to do something different.
Something similar?
Or completely new?

What to do?

R
11/28/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Thanks

We are in that season.
I think I may just be too old.
Too many years of, blah.
Not enough family or having anyone that cares or to care for.
I'm in the going through the motions phase.
Very little to get excited about, day to day.
I try, really try to find the 'happy'.
Just it has become an effort.
I haven't given up. But it is turning into a chore.

What am I to do?
I can only go so far with making it work.
I have experience, 20 years, but I have lost the drive.
I have put all my effort into dead ends for so long.
Easy going will never come. I have been waiting.
I should give up. Find something I don't have to think about.
Something mindless.
'The blonde ditz' .
Oh how I used that phrase years ago. No effort. A lost puppy.
Craving attention, always forgiving, no effort, easy. Boring.

No, I crave intelligent conversation. A brain. Challenges.

That always ends in tears. They are too smart for me.
They realize I am 'not enough'. And move on.

I have been moving forward in this existance, looking for some form of completion. Something I always knew I deserved, but never truly found. I have those moments where I know I will live this life as it is. The way it has been. For the rest of it.

I have not fulfilled my parenting duty. I fell short without the support I have had for her 20 years. Even my work ethic example is lost.
I really have no idea how to make any difference, and her other has withdrawn into her life. Blaming me and her for the whys and wherefores. So just lost.
It hurts to see. Knowing the loss of an accessible parent.
I feel I have failed there.
Not what I wanted for her.

So as I flounder. Lost and unmotivated. Wondering what I should do next or with the rest of my life.
Too worried about paying and making bills, the only reason I am here now. Work to pay what I owe. No smiles for doing that.
15 or so years to retire. I know I won't . I will work till the day they put the last nail in. Hell, I will probably help.
No legacy. No immortality. Just memories.

I know. Dark. Dreary.
The last few posts have been there.
It is that time of year. I have nothing to make that different.
I did not plan for the issues this year has handed me.
I have dealt with most. I have calculated the next few moves.
So here I am. Reacting instead of making the next move.

I feel I have lost.
I am lost. Which has always been where I live.
I was born in the wrong time. I do not deal well in this place.
I end up making corrections, fixing things, things that should not need fixing. Things that by now should be already just working.

Hey! Happy, where did you go?
What did I say?
Why have you been running away from me?

R 11/24/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Settling in

Changes make you move. When you move, even little moves, like from room to room. Just down the hall, to a new space.
It is still a move. You have been in your place for a few years.
Now you have to pack it all up, move it and then sort and decide if you really need all of it. So you sort as you find new places for your stuff.
Some finds a familiar location, in view. Someplace comforting.
Some find a place in a drawer or cabinet. Others end up in new places, no longer close by. Also, some end up in the trash.
Why did you have that anyway?

So you settle in. Try to get comfortable in the new place.
And yet you still need to be functional, and keep working. Keep moving. Helping. Yet you have to finish sorting and placing and trashing that which you no longer need.

This can be applied to many things in my life.
Was I actually talking about my life? Or the fact I moved out of my shared office into a new one??

I have not trashed any part of my life.
I have not moved anything in my life, or have I?

Have I settled in?
To the onelyness..

It appears I may have.
I am spending lots of time at work. Long days.
Also spending time at home. Actually watching tv, sleeping, and even getting into bed early.
I may not sleep. But I am home.
No i am not saving any more money. Being more of a hermit.

Yes, I am just as alone. No, I am not getting more done around the house.

So, I am settling In. Not Settling.

I turned down the late Sunday night text.
I only regret passing up the sure thing.
But, been this long. Why cheapen it.
And of course heard nothing more.
And dont expect to.

I have not 'settled' in.

I am here.

No I haven't pulled away. I have just stepped off.
I am afraid to step in.
Nothing new there. Just me. Not knowing what I should do and no one to help or sway one way or the other.

I no longer enjoy my bar.
I won't settle for the new.
So I have no refuge.
No esecape.

But still alone.

Still lonely.
Not many daily smiles.

Just moving to the next day. Paying that next bill.
Settling In to the just me.

Not loving it. But dealing.

The realization of many years ago.
Not much forever after going on.
And truly not much right now.
Just the few and far between.

Life steps In and reminds us that we are here and you have to live with what you get.
Some forever after lasts minutes..
Some never happens.
Some will hurt you forever.
Some will be just in your mind.
Some are never fully realized.

Some are forgotten.

I feel forgotten.

Hey!!!!

Do not forget me.

R
11/22/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Wandering

Something I am good at.
I can wander better than most.
And I have. No question about that.
This year was good for that, to a point, but when I did, it was not enough. When I needed more, it was not available, bad timing.
Now as we eek toward the end of the year, with all it brings, I find I still need to wander.
I have made restrictions in my head, rationalization, more than likely, unfounded, but on the side of caution.
I have been trying to avoid awkwardness. I definately do not want to impose.
A fine line.
I have restricted a few things I could do, want to do, because I don't know how to handle the results.
I do not want to strain any friendships, but sometimes you just need to go somewhere you are at home, aside from home.
Then, I have the young adult to worry about and provide for, even when I am not here.
But, I cannot continue to put myself on hold because she can not allow herself to adult.
Maybe it will help. To have to fend for herself.
But, the dad kicks in and I worry that it will go badly..
And I will have shirked my responsibility. And something bad could happen.

I know.

My life has been on hold for a few too many years..
And I am not getting any younger.

The next couple months will be a factor in my future.
Work can go in a totally different direction and I may be put into a place where I need to make a critical financial decision.
Or nothing could really change and I will move on To another year of change to the same.

Then it is back to me to decide what is next.

By the way, this growing older while being alone, is totally not what I had planned for the age I live in.

Yes, I am fully aware, life is never what you expect it to be, you have to work every day to be happy and stay happy.
I know too many people that have been dealt the wrong hand. They are like me, trying to figure out why and what is next.
The lucky few, they are out there, in all appearances, have it perfectly done. Happy. In love. Minor issues. But it is very rare.
Most of us are struggling, clawing our way, trying this and that,
Some just hunkering down and ignoring the world, hoping life won't bitch-slap them again.
They end up isolating themselves, hoping that someone will magically break through and sweep them off their feet.

There are some, me included, have found myself, here.
Too old for my mind. To young for my body. No options presenting themselves, no idea how to modify the present situation.
No real clue how to move forward.
Too shy to be bold.
Which is what stifles my persona.
My tools of my past are long gone.
My mentoring is long past and out dated.
My lack of real friends, Leave me with no network, no support or avenue to meet anyone.

By suggestion. I am not looking anymore.
Which never works. (By the way)
You just end up, here, where I am now.

Yes, I know, big old sob story.
No one wants me because no one knows me.
No one knows me because I m a hermit.
I appear unavailable.

Or I appear as the loser I have always been.
Or as some old guy..oggling the young women.

But , here I am.
Wandering.
By myself.

You know, if I am busy. Working.
I don't notice the time running away.

I just need to 'a' it. Find a way.

But, I am me. The same me.
One I have been for all this time.

I usually am very calculated about what I do, about who I let into my personal space. Yes, I have made the common mistakes.
Some have been real learing experiences.
But, here I am.. just me. Alone.
Wandering.

Earlier In my posts. . I have little criteria, but I need the right place, the right job, and the right girl.

I have never had all 3 in the right place and time.
2 at a time, is the most common..
Do you settle?
Do you ignore what could be?
Then go and Invite the world to vie for me?

I am sure each gender thinks the other rules.

Proof is, no one has the 'key' we all must make our way.
And see where we end up.

As a side note.
I know (knew) I can be 'that' person.
The one.
The one that could make everything better.
But.
I never get given the chance.

I have many undesireable issues.
Don't we all?

Ok. I am done for now.

Yes, am still alone..and loney.
I guess i need to stop worrying.
It may fall in place

R 11/18/17
.

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello.

Just a simple greeting.
Said to those that will accept it.
There are many things in this life that are always taken for granted.
Simple kindnesses that keep us sane and happy.
Holding the door for the person behind you.
Saying thank you.
Just being polite in general.

Sometimes we get so close to people we forget to be nice.
We forget that they still need to hear the things we say to strangers, because we are naturally polite. We need to remember to be polite to those that are close to us.

Most good relationships last longer when we remember to never forget the little things. The simple things.
You cannot take it for granted that it is implied. You bave to say it.

Just like in a long relationship. You have to remember to say I love you. And mean it.

Good friends forget to remind them how much they mean to eachother. They think it is understood. Maybe it is. But sometimes you have to express it. Yes, good friends can go years without talking and pick up were they left off. But, during that time away, how often is the other thought of or needed?

Just something to think about.

Hello.

In this age of technology, we have many ways to keep in touch.
Many of us utilize one or more of them. But it tends to broaden the gap of person to person communication. Not that it bad. If you can communicate in any form, it is better than not at all.
Once apon a time a postcard was a simple reminder that you were thought of. Very rare now.

I realize human contact is rare. Any is better than none, even electronic.
But I cannot help wanting that dinner conversation or just sitting on the couch chatting about the day. Even just being in close proximity of another human that understands and does not need to say a thing. That unspoken communication that says volumes. The look, the touch, the unspoken meaning in it all.

Communication.
A simple, Hello.
Sometimes that is all you need to remind you. You are not alone.

Hello.

R 11/14/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Is it sneaking up on you?

A true question.
One of those thriller movie moments..
The suspense incidental music playing in the background. .
You wonder.. should I just keep looking forward.. and keep moving?
Do I dare pause..and look back?
Is it going to catch up with me?
Or is it really not there. Just gone. Did it forget me? Lose all interest?
More suspense incidental music....
Do I turn and confront it? Stop and wait?
Was it all just in my head? Never real at all.
Was it a 'thing' that is now not what I thought it was?
Things change. Things appear to be one thing and with a little time morph into something else.
Sometimes with no help at all..
Time sometimes can change the very makeup of a thing. It's appearance. It's look And feel. Or can reveal what it was all along. Not what it first was.
Somethings change all by themselves. Just the natural progression.
Some change gradually, with no warning, but after a while are very different. They can change into something wondrous, or something unrecognizable.
Some change is immediate, just poof, all new, all different. No warning no explanation, done.
There you are, wondering what happened. It takes a second to figure it out. You start looking for a reason. Did you do or not do something? Did you get to comfortable? Was something else causing this change? A perception? Or even an outside perception.
Did something else act or make known a variable? Or was it really someones expectation of the variable that forced an action that lead to the abrupt change?
So, here you are, slightly moving through time, listening for that something that may be creeping up behind you. Stalking. But keeping it's distance so you cannot see it.
But, you feel it. You really want it to catch up, make itself known. You want it to stop hiding in the shadow of .......... and come back to the light. Back to the beacon.

So, I do not look over my shoulder, I walk slowly, but keep walking, listening.

The only problem with doing that, is that I question if I am walking away or walking too fast. If I am missing something else, something obvious.

I have no clue.
As always. I am clueless.

I hear quiet footsteps.
Muted attempts at contact. Restrained.
Am I imagining it?
Or is it time to turn and confront it? Either grab on to it and hold it, never letting go, no matter who disagrees, or frowns on it.
It is just me. I am walking here, slowly. Waiting to hear or see if it catches up or realizes, and backs off more. Runs away. Hides.

I know I am a safe place. I offer all and expect little.
Too good to be true.
I see where I stand.
I understand the apprehension.
I wonder if the debate is real or imagined?
Time has passed. We all have grown.
Yet, the footsteps are there.
Is it something we know? Something friendly that understands?
Is it something that no matter what will never understand or accept?
If it has not been recently defined, it may be another ghost.
A current ghost that is expected or imagined. One that really doesn't exist.
Maybe it was, but isn't now. Maybe time, the enemy, has changed perceptions.
Maybe a realization of a current happiness has snuck up on them.

You can't let the others dictate if you can be happy.
You can keep ahead of the footsteps.
But, are you running away or are you just keeping distant?


At some point, you will realize, if you were running away or running to.

You have to ask yourself, do you want to know now before it's too late? Or do you want to wait, and realize after it has caught you and it is over.

R 11/12/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Life the universe and everything else...

It is 2016...not for long..
November.
Here I am. Not a lot different than the last 10 or so years.

I have loved.. and survived. . Been extremely happy..been disappointed.. been alone..and have experienced close company of someone I care for deeply. Currently.. my status..
Is .....
Alone.
Lonely.
Frustrated.
Lost..ever so slightly.

I have allowed my self to be hurt...confused... happy and sad..
Thus adds to the frustrations...
I have been going through the day to day processes.. to get to the next day...
Dealing with the issues that prevent me from searching for happiness..
So..as before.. stopped looking..
If it don't fall into my lap..it isn't gonna happen right now.

I am not looking... which is best.. in the long run..but usually I get into that mode where I ignore what comes or is there ..

And always pay for that in hind sight..
Unless of course . . I get hit over the head.. and get told..or the like..
It has happened..and most times..been very plesant.
Unfortunately.. life and the universe. .interferes..and I end up..
Where I am..where I was..

Story of my life.

If only I could find the timing..and geography and soul..
In the right place and time..

Life the universe and all that matters ..on a personal level, would make sense.. or at least would not hurt.

I guess this universe has no sympathy for me..thus it is not 'for' me..and I must make my own. . Always. .I learned a long time ago.. that. . I am on my own.. what comes.. or not..what I see or not..
Isn't on me..but it is if I accept it.. then. .. I must deal..if not.. not on me.

So .. that is why.. no one wants me..
Yes... there are those that need me.. I need them too...
But the want.. is one sided.. me or them.. only one sided..
As you get older..as the universe exerts it's influence..
You learn.. what is 'right now' and what is 'forever'.
What is you ..or us.. and them...

Do not get me wrong.
I have enjoyed creating 'fond' memories.. but.
There comes a point.where you see..where you are going..and it is apparent it isn't where you want or need to be.

Then.. you are on 'that' end.. and you see..how much..it .. hurts.

Not that you haven't been there..before..but that it happened .. 'again'. That you let it happen..or ignored where it was headed..

Sucker...

Yes, been there done that..again..and again.
Your fault. No one to blame but ... you.

As the universe exists..and we in it.. for what tiny effect we have on It all...
But.. as I believe. We all matter..everything we do..everything you do..effects us all.
From the moment of realization..to our end..we make difference ..In everyone's existance..how ever small...it is all connected. .. on many levels.

Have you met the person..that one..that puts it all In place for you ?

Think about it!
Yes..everyone in your life..is there for a reason.. sometimes. .for THE reason... for life...the universe. .. and everything!

Yes, sometimes. .just to give you a reality check...
To put you on the right track..

If you do not see it..realize it...use it.. you will be lost..always wondering.. never actually seeing..

That..maybe why I think I am blind to the universe's pull.
I am just lost.

I guess I am not alone..

Maybe..we all just need to find eachother..

Concept.

R 11/11/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Age

Life itself is full of time.. time passes and creates age.
At some point.. after years of someone else making it important.. age and the advancing of age..starts to have meaning for almost everyone..
At some point..we have to take notice..
And decide if age makes us who we are..or determines what or how we act..
Some fight it..
Some welcome it.
I guess it depends on where we are in time..
Some choose to try to make it stand still.
Roll back the years..
Some embrace it.. display it.. being proud of what they have done up to this point in their life on this planet..
Some choose to hide..the fact that they have survived..against all odds..to be present ... now...

I never gave too much thought of it all... I was here ..at this point.. and gave of myself .. added to the 'all'..and slept better ..because I didnt shirk my given responsibilities.

I never went out of my way to make anyone's life worse..
Just the opposite..I always tried to make something better.

I have endured my mistakes..no.. my learning experiences. .
I have examined my experience..and tried to figure my place in this world. Never taking..always giving.
Karma..be my friend..

I am no longer 'young'...how I feel..does not matter to anyone but me.
No.. I would not give up any part of my life up to now..yes, I would change lots of it..if I could.. but no one can..
You are the product of your past.
How you deal with any part of it..

But..here I am ..at this point..at this moment in time.
Unfortunately..
Alone.

Really.. at this point in my life..
Not at all where I expected to be.

I did try..
Maybe a bit too much..
But .
I got handed the short end of the stick that would have saved me.
And being the person am.. could not reach it.

Well..

I am here..in 6 hours..I will be at that next minute of my years..
All I have is my grey.
And my offspring.
Another year to excel.

Not even a milestone. .
Just another day.

R
11/08/2016

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello November 2016

Well..the month is starting busy.
All this week..go..go..go..
Today was no exception. Busy from the time I got there.. no lunch.. errands instead. I did get out at 5:30.. but went home and worked on the car. Then moved the car to work..for the weekend.
Note: tonight. L drove by herself. Met me at work after I dropped the car. I am happy.

My vacation options are diminishing. It is looking like maybe first or second week of December. Maybe a driving trip..maybe a flyer.
Just have to find someone that wants to see me. Without excuses or reservations.
I see them everywhere I want to be..
Understandable. .but still not easy..

Maybe I should head out to Idaho..or Montana or Seattle.... just scout out the landscape.

I can be alone anywhere.
Why restrict it to Colorado.?

Yes..a bit down.. lost..wandering in my head..

I really am not meeting anyone new...or old..and have no local support group.. the more I think of it..the more it makes me wonder why.

(Sarcastic mode enabled)
I know I have nothing to offer..no prospects..I am hard to talk to..hard to get along with..never comprise. .never give in..I mooch..have no job.. no home..I am irresponsible. .foolish... I only care about me..I don't care about anyone else. . I expect to be catered to.. I will never give in.. my way or the hiway.. I dont respect anyone or anything. I don't care about anyone but me.
I am selfish in life and everywhere else that really matters. .
....
(Sarcastic mode ..ends)

So I have to ask..

Why?

I know..I am not a bad boy.
I think after the last decade's milestone.. that isn't as desireable..
Yet..I am where I am.
Puzzled.

No one will let me show what I can do..or be..

Maybe they are there..waiting on me..
But in true .. me style.. I have no clue.

So the next day is coming..nothing is changed.
And I will tick off this day and start the next..
Again and again.

Time is moving past me..I am grey and not young anymore..and it does not seem to be changing..
I do not feel how I look..never did..or feel my age..never did..
But to anyone else.. I am just that old guy..or that one you ignore..
Or not ignore..but never consider...
I know I am not invisible..just not an option.. or maybe I am not considered.. not available. .
You know..this life does not restrict us to age or looks or status .. or any of the other protected categories.. a person has to explore.. test and see.. go against the norm to go beyond everything to find the one.. the one.. that comepletes you..and them. .the one you are looking for ..the one they are looking for...

If you know someone that you need..
Someone that completes you..
And they are clueless.. wake them up!
Or if they know too.. make sure they know..you know.
Tell them..
Make it known..make it work.

All the rest..everyone else..even those close to you..
At this point.. do not matter..as much as your happiness..your completeness...you will have to continue after they have started their own life.. your relationship will change ..again..as you move into the next chapters.. you will have learned to deprive yourself of knowing what you need or deserve. .after they have created what you wanted for them..their own independant life.
And you will be alone again..as you planned..not intentionally..but in making what you knew they would need. Never thinking about you.
Or where you would be.. now.

I am scheduled to age another year.. soon.
I see the grey haired guy..in my mirror...

Really..waiting for it to go all white..like my dad.

Hello. .November. hello..

R
11/3/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Roofing. ..

I got the call.. I am finally on the schedule.
Friday they will deliver the materials. Monday morning at 7am they will start. After I hand over the downpayment of course.
Then..maybe the week after the gutter guy will come to put on the gutters... and payments start I guess in December.

So.. that basically kills this month. Thanksgiving week Mike is on Vacation. So I am not.
So..unless someone wants to occupy my time here.. I am probably just gonna stay home.

I have to get tires for the El Camino. So I can drive it. At least move it during the roofing job.

If anyone could visit.. for a few days. I could take some time off.
I would bribe someone to come spend time here in dismal Colorado. But.. I know.... Wrong time of year...and too close to the bad travel days.

Too much time off. I guess it is a good thing I am loosing 5 days next year. I can never seem to use more than 10...anyway.

On another note..
I got asked for a booty call..and turned it down.
I know.. why would I do that.. ??
A few reasons. I was tired..dirty..it was late..I had an early long day ahead..I was really not feeling it was anything other than just what it was... good thing because said no.. I was by myself all day at work..I had extra tasks to do..data transfer..repair work...fixing a remote connection..picking up 300 cigarette butts.. and the regular daily tasks.. half a lunch.. and staying til 6.
It was busy as a monday can be.

So.. best that I didnt.
Probably set that bridge a blaze.. but. Its been 3 wks since they came back..and little or no contact. Until last night. It wasnt convienent.
I have been alone at night this long..so what difference does it really make. Yes..it was a sure thing... and yes..I guess I am a dweeb.. after all. 'Ready to go' but.. it would have been a rough day if I got in to work late.. and my assistant called off..and left it all for me.

So.. get the roofing done.. deplete my bank account. And sit at home. Sleep in my empty bed..clutch that pillow for company.

I really tried to use my vacation time early this year.. just had no where to go..

That I could go.

So here I am.. almost November 1.. 60 or so days left..

Then another year... with all its uncertanties.. at least tried will have a new roof..my house will be worth that much more..

R 10/31/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Escape

Can I escape?
Do I need to ..?

Nothing is 'timely' ..a person kind of has to make it fit.

The window of availability is close..
Schedules exist..even if I don't have the whole time line..
I am very near the just do it phase.

I need human contact.. touch...
I am functioning as is..but it is not without it's toll.
I am feeling detatched..floating.. reaching. .but not connecting...

Not good.
I have the anchor..tether...which is welcome..but I must not rely on it..I need to wean off it..
Do not get me wrong..I love it !.. but I know it is not allowed. .
I have been told..

But here we are in the end of the year.. the 'time of year' needed but stay away time...
I am running out of days.
Before we know it it will be January.

I have the roof repair.. I do not think it will be more than 2 days..probably just one...should be next week.
I do not need to be home for that.. but...I cannot leave L home alone.. while it is going on. ..
Or can I....???

I am not that selfish..but.. time is ticking ..
It looks like another year of ..you do not have the ability to use the time given.. you will lose it..
I have 64 hours..and 2 months and a week to use it...
Tick tock..

Ok.
I am sitting here.
Because I was tired at 6.. I napped.. and now..here I am.
Sitting here.. blogging...

This is why I blog..I can reach into .. me.. and see where my head is..
Really. .I read these posts later..and over again..to see what is really in my head.
Add a few beers or drinks..and I open up.. and it sometimes will pour forth..all I am holding in..dwelling on..the things that I am stresssing over.. the things I should be sharing with someone that understands or cares. So....
I post it.
And you see..the me I hide.

Closing that door...

It is midnight.. and I should be home..it is now Friday. .

I have planned to work on my cars this weekend..
Cooling..tires.. and such.. I need to do more prep for the roof repairs..
Of course..I need to win the lottery..and buy the island in Fiji..

Sorry..got lost there for a minute. ..

I have realized.. my train of thought..has derailed..
So..

To you that read my rants..
I love you!
Thanks.

You are seeing me...trying to remain sane.
Trying not to be so lonely.

For a sane person..it is harder than anyone knows.
Maybe..not. .
Is this the struggle everyone goes through?
Who knew..??

To all that matter..
Big tight hugs!!!
A smack on the ass of those that deserve it.
A fist bump to the rest.
A hug to rival all other hugs..one that lingers..and one you don't want to end..
And a round of drinks to everyone else!
And finally..that look..the one that conveys. . Sympatico.. connection. .love...understanding.

Love you all.

...love me..? !

R 10/28/16
《 》 《 》 《《 》》

posted from Bloggeroid

Tick..tock..tick..tock.

That time thing again.
And as always..decisions...

Oh..yes..I have looked..planned and weighed the options.
As always..still looking for the 'just do it'.. because I will.

I have leveraged the money..I can.. i have settled the homefront.. and know it is all doable.. really not much preventing it.

Just the timing and the commitment.

Then just to do it.

...
Or not at all..
A 'staycation' was recommended by my general manager..
Of course.. I never 'un-leash' on him.. but the rest.. can realize when I need a vacation. ..

Someday I will overstep and pay dearly..

You do not know how many time I have checked for a cheap flight away. How many times I have considered sending a ticket..for someone to come here.
How many times..I have considered filling the tank..and driving away..

I know I have time that I need to use..have to use..for so many reasons..

Use it or loose it..money or not..

Having no life beside work..
Is not the way to be.
I am living it..have been for too long.

Hey! I am perfect.. no issues here!

As I creep up on another milestone. ..

Not getting any younger.
Not where I should be.


You know.. I have so little options..
And I look at all possibilities..
I realize..the few options are literally fighting it out in my head.
Mistakes I have made.. not necessarily regretting..but not having the end result. ... then being reminded..
And realizing.. choices. . And results..
And being presented with uncertanties..vs a diffferent direction. .an unknown..a total different direction uncertain unknown. . One that holds little stability. . But is ..different in its comfort.
Is it a 'grass is greener'..thing?.
Is it a you don't need to get burned again by falling too in love. .
So you have an out that will leave you alone again..
Situation..
Or is it just you screwing up a good thing because you will never be happy or complete at the same time?

I know.. do not second guess it.
Live the moment..because it is fleeting..

You know. .you will never get what you think you deserve.
And barely what you need.

That has been proven.
You may for a minute..

But ..
Not.

Yes... this is an ouch..
A reality check. .

Just me.

R 10/26/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Loss.

Everyone experiences loss.
Either expected or sudden.
It does not make it any less painful.
Most deal with loss based on the proximity to our life.
Someone near to us..is more painful than someone we barely knew.

Loss is loss. It means something to someone.
Some are devastated by the loss.
Some survive.
Everyone deals with loss differently.
People mean different things to different people.
How we react to that loss in our life.. is a personal thing.
No one can judge how we should feel about it.

The hole in our lives that is gone forever...
Only we can judge what that means to us.
And no one can fault us for that.

When it comes to death.. and the loss we experience..it is a personal experience.
We must make peace with the dead and the living..
We need to figure out how we need to continue on with our memories and ghosts.
No one can tell us when to stop greiving..or how we should feel.
It is completely up to us..where we feel we are...
If someone doesn't understand that.. they really don't know.
Until they do.. you hope they never do.. but you know they will...
As you get older.. life takes more from you than it gives..
Sad.. but true.

Embrace those that love you..
Understand those that don't.

Continue..be you.

Know.. someone loves you.

R
10/24/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Damage control.. it's what I do.

I was talking to someone...an aquaintance that typically does not talk with me...just usually the basic 'hi' and the occasional 'like' .. but they out of the blue ..Said hello to me in chat. Then asked how I was..I responded as always..' I am doing ok' ..and asked about them..and got a normal reponse.
Then.. I continued..to express about my stresses at work.. they replied that the month has sucked. I agreed and stated I thought the same about last month. .
They replied the whole year sucked.
I countered.. fourtunately it will be over soon.
Then for no reason..continued.. that work will have new owners and I will be busy..busy is good. Hopefully I will be able to move forward..instead of just damage control. I am good at fixing things. .but when all you are doing is damage control..you are not getting anywhere..just maintaining.
Then I realized..and said.. it is the same at work as in my life.. I am just doing damage control. . Not getting anywhere. Not advancing.

I think.. I scared them away...their response was delayed..then sympathetic.. so I stated I was going out to light a fire.. and said good night... the fire was nice.

So.. In all this.. I realized.. this is what I have been doing.

Damage Control..

I survive. .I continue on to the next task.. but here I am..the same place I was ... nothing is improving..the next challenge is coming for me to solve.
I looked at my monthly finances.. and I dont know how I am getting from one month to the next...but I have been surviving for the past months.. and according to my budget..I am underwater.
Must be a miscalculation..you know..like everyhing else..

I need to plan..and perform a few things soon.. I need a job..I need to get L a job..and probably accept that roomate offer.
I will be able to level my finances..and spend less time at home by myself.

I will be too busy ... again for The 'onely' .

When you got none.....

R 10/23/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Next.. what's next?

Ok.
Now that I have thoroughly cussed me out.
And accidentally cussed out you thaf read this..
What is next?

I still did not hit the lottery..
(I guess you have to actually play to win..)
My bank and checkbook..does not agree with my net worth.
There is a disconnect..just have not found it.
I appear to have floated my money successfully for the past 10 months.. with no help..
But..I know the hammer will eventually fall..so I am considering a roommate. Even at $300 a month..I think I will improve my situation. I may have enough to stay afloat.. pay my kids school bills..and be able to fix my project car..so it is reliable enough to drive daily.. reducing the need to buy another car for L.

The option is there.

Yes..I will still be alone..but maybe back to being able to take trips.. visit.... and such.

Plans.

' I want to get away..I want to fly away... yeah...yeah..'

So..tonight I am not angry..or volatile. .I am somewhat clear..
As long as I don't get disturbing text or call..I am doing good.

Plans made...noodled out..places to go.

(If you want..to be part of this...future.. you may want to speak up.)

R 10/20/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Ohh that is who your yelling at!

After re-reading the last few posts...
I could not see who it was directed at.. very disjointed..
Hard to follow and several detours..

I figured out. . I was yelling at me!

Those disjointed statements... half thoughts.. complaints.. were to me..
I am harsh and unforgiving when it comes to examining my lack of action.
I was reading and wondering who I was pissed at.. it is me.
I need to figure out a lot. I need to find that happy place.. and move there.

So.. no.. I am not passing judgement on anyone else.. just me..
I am failing everywhere.. I cannot save it.. it is a sinking ship.. and I am standing on the deck.
I really need to recenter and figure out the next step.
Work..home..parenting..relationships..friendships..finances the lot!
I need to stop floundering..and make a stand..make a decision.. a plan..even if it fails..it is a start in a direction..
I need to be the go to guy for me.. like I am for everyone else..
I can do this..I can fix this..I can make it less painful.

I know how to do this..I have given this advice to others...I need to give it to me... if I will heed it.

I think my issue is I have no one here I can confide in. . No one that wants to hear it... everyone I know needs..and not willing to help.
Yes, I need help.
Everywhere.
I have been sliding away for so long.. I am lost.

Lost.

I have been living here..in this life .. this place..
For 14 yrs.. and.. I have no one I can call friend.
That is sad.
Yes, I did that to myself in the beginning..but now.. it is out of my control.. here I am..
The only friends I have are not local.. 2200 miles away..

I have dug this hole.. here I lie.

I have located myself far from friends and family.. lovers and companions.. for reasons that do not matter anymore..not mattered for 10 yrs.. yet. I am still here.. surviving. . Barely..

Changes need to be made.
Soon.
Serious changes!

I am not a kid anymore.
I need to restructure my thought processes...
Yes..I have responsibilities. . Human and financial..
But I have a responsibility to me..my happiness..my comfort.
And I must acknowledge that.

Yes..all good in a post..
I need to.. do.. this.

There is no one..
No where..
In my life..
At this time..
That can suggest. .or direct me.
No one cares enough..or has the knowledge. . To help.
Everyone has their issues..
Unlike me..i put others ahead of me..
I help them..

Help me!

Yes..I am asking.

You should know..
The lonelyness is an issue..one we dwell on.
It is in our face. .
Something we obsess on..
It can be remedied. . With friendship.. care and..connection.
I have friends.
I know.. the friends I have care deeply..
But.....

I know where I rate..

Not discounting.. our friendship...
But.. I know I am far away..
Farther than.. you have ever traveled. .

But.. the great out there... exists.. some of us... are out here..
And hope you find us.

Yes.. I know..we.need to..launch that locator flare.

I have been firing the flares...
No one has been seeing them.

:(

You know..sometimes. .... helping others. ...
Helps you!

I have been doing this.. forever.

Sorry to say..the results.. require....a lot of work...
I can do it..
I have done it.
But. .. This point. .. I need help.

Ok.. I must stop..
Too much beer.

If you know me. .
Love you.

If you don't. .
Love you to!

I have to go...

Good night.

R
10/19/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Just add another bill

It never fails.. I just signed a contract to start repairs..and the contract to finance it..and today got another school bill.. payments start this month.

Finances can really bite you sometime.

I have to wonder where my head is..It swims sometimes.
Difficult to decipher.
I try.

I have many things I need to do.
Some I have no idea how to start.
Some I just dont want to start. I am unsure of the result.
It can end well or poorly.

But I have to make a decision and just get it done.

R 10/18/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Moving..on......

Today started with an end.

I am fine with closure.

When you care..you only want the best for someone.
No agenda..no regrets.

Today was an a typical busy Monday.
Fallout to follow.
Personel issues and personal issues..
I feel I handled what I needed to...
The things I wanted to and the things I avoided..
Exist..
And will be dealt with..in their time.
I need to do many things..and I know it is a little at a time..I cannot do all at once..
Yes.. I have figured out where that coward ISTBA is hiding...
Sorry M. He can be a pain.. he has his own agenda..and you never know what that is.
For me... either give him a full on punch..or a kick in the nuts!
He deserves it..

Trust me.

..
Again ... moving on..

The things I am forced to deal with..
The rationalizations.. the excuses..
I am too old for this.

Hey!.. either you want me in your life..or you want me to make room in mine for you.. or you don't.
Stop making me guess..
I really do not have time or the energy to have to figure this out..

STOP...MAKING THIS SO HARD!!!

Figure out what you want..let me know..and lets move on!

If you haven't figured this out by now...
I will love you forever.
Really, no question about that.
If there is..you have not been paying attention.

This guy.. me.. I am really transparent.. what you see..is what you get.. you just have to look.
And really..it is not my fault that you haven't.

My best..short term girl.. saw..and when I didn't. .. made it plain.
'Ouch'
But..now..one of those friends..I will always have.. even if we can not talk..
We know.

And for the rest of you....

Yes, I do.. I will always. .
Don't ever question it.
Never.
There is none .. more
None that means more or less.

I am not easy..and neither are you..
So.. that means more than..a hierarchy. .it is life.
The life that we shared..
You made me the man I am today..
Yes..with all my issues and heart aches.

Yes..we move on..and make life choices..
But, we should never forget how we got here.

Ok..I think I am done for now.
I need sleep..

Yes .. I miss you.
Yes, I know.
No... I do wish...

So much...

Ask me.

R 10/17/16
.

posted from Bloggeroid

I am a friend

I will start this..this way.

I wish you all the best.
Like I said in my reply....
Ok. Good for you! Good luck.
I mean that sincerely.
From my heart.

I was not the issue. And I never meant to be.
I am a friend first and always.
If this is goodbye. So be it.
I will never discount someone trying to make things work..for all the right reasons.
I am only a distraction when it is needed. I never intend to become a wedge.
I am not a homewrecker.. a stealer of hearts..
Never my intention.

This will be the last comment on this..in entirety...

For you and all involved.. I wish you all the best.
Make it work! You can and have. Keep working at it.
Don't hurt yourselves or the people that matter.
Know the difference..

I will always be your friend.
If only in my past.


-----------------------


Moving on.


-----------------------

R 10/17/16

posted from Bloggeroid