We are getting closer.
To what I dont know.
The year is almost over.
I am right here. Where I have been. Deep in the middle of indecision.
Taking what I can. Wishing for more. No idea how to make it happen.
I need to make a plan and make it happen.
I need to look for more options. Make it happen.
I can return to the temporary. Make it work. But I still don't want it to be the only option.
I still have no idea how to make any changes. What can I give up? What change or give away will make any difference.
I have been pulling away from the public sharing, limiting it to weather and scenery. Even less weather. Very very little personal.
I don't think anyone wants to hear how pathetic I feel.
Yes.. we are all lonely this time of year. And none of us 'loners' have figured out if we got together we could help eachother out of it.
Well, we may have but figure no one else has.
I guess we should have a meeting.
What really burns me, is that I never thought that at this age I would need to be looking for friends..anyone that would accept me into their circle. This is how I struggled years ago. Looking for friends that accepted me for who I really was. That is why the latched on to those that would let me. Those that accepted my weirdness.
Even to the extent of allowing myself to be used for what I could do.
It was acceptance, in a world I didn't think I fit in. I survived.
Barely.
Oh I hurt. Over and over.
I gave all I had, just to be discarded. Used. Abandoned.
Yeah, yeah.. not 'hunky' not too pretty. Over all ... useless.
Sure, for a while.. I accepted the being used as all I had to offer.
Sometimes it allowed me to be happy...for a short period of time.
I accepted it and took what I could from it. Yeah, it hurt. But such as it was..I accepted what I was given..took from it what I could... and suffered the aggravation of not being able to keep the happy In me.
Oh, I hoped for realization. I hoped for the happy to continue. To come back. But it never did.
No going back.
No matter how right it may have been. Or could be.
Yes, the potential happiness is there. But I cant make it happen on my own. If you give up, I am lost. I will keep trying. And I will hurt as I realize that it is not gonna change.
Funny. Been here again and again.
I still cannot figure what I did wrong , or what I didn't do.
Usually I cannot do anything. The timing was wrong.
But I see a pattern. I choose those that will hurt me.
I hope I can make my presence known. Show that I am worthy. Show that I can be all you would ever need.
Just to be discarded.
When I was young and all that.. I was discarded. So it is no surprise now..or should be no surprize. .. that I am good for now...but not good enough.
So, here I am near the end of another year.
Still alone. Longing not to be.
With no open options.
Clueless as always.
Lonely as always.
You would think I would be used to it by now.
But no. It just hurts.
I need to find the strength to make the leap.
Just drop off and start over.
Go somewhere no one knows me.
Close all my accounts and just disappear.
Run away from the hurt..indecision.. pain..
Start out as a hermit and just give up all and everything.
It really isn't much different from the life I have lead for the past year.
Just less expectations to fail.
I guess I hurt. More than I really know. Or admit.
It may be the time of year. It may be perceptions of my life.
Indecisions.
The realization that I still have no control.
My past is not helping me.
I know I have more to offer, I just cannot find who deserves it.
I think I know..and get told it isn't enough or something prevents it from being a reality.
My options .. my destinations .. have disappeared.
I have no 'invitations'. Not that has ever prevented me, but in this state, I don't want to intrude. .the last thing I want is to be a requirement.
If I am not wanted..I do not want to force my presence.
It is why I don't visit family.
Yes, I have burned some bridges. Totally my fault.
I will never know.
My fault. Sorry.
More sorry for me. It may have been the thing I needed.
Now I feel it would be lessened.. if I was to attempt.
So..I can't go there. Choice made.. wrong choice.
I can't go back and say..sorry..I should have picked you.. I didn't ..it went a different way so now I choose you..
No.. I cannot do that.
Everyone looses.
Sorry.
So I should just drop off all connectivity.
Disappear.
No one will really miss me..for too long.
I can really be alone.
In all aspects.. lose the hope..and accept the reality.
Give up on the hope of happy.
Sorry so down.
It is that time of year.
Not a lot of smiles.
Just day to day.
Looking. But never finding.
Too many years of that.
I should be used to it.
I am not.
No one but me really cares.
Truth. I know this. No way for me to change it.
I accepted it years ago.
I hide it well.
Well, maybe I don't.
Well. Thoughts in my head... don't always come out.. but they are there. Nothing ominous..just decisive.
Montana was my escape..years ago.. the place I would go if I wanted to disappear.
I think I need my Montana.
R
12/16/16
To what I dont know.
The year is almost over.
I am right here. Where I have been. Deep in the middle of indecision.
Taking what I can. Wishing for more. No idea how to make it happen.
I need to make a plan and make it happen.
I need to look for more options. Make it happen.
I can return to the temporary. Make it work. But I still don't want it to be the only option.
I still have no idea how to make any changes. What can I give up? What change or give away will make any difference.
I have been pulling away from the public sharing, limiting it to weather and scenery. Even less weather. Very very little personal.
I don't think anyone wants to hear how pathetic I feel.
Yes.. we are all lonely this time of year. And none of us 'loners' have figured out if we got together we could help eachother out of it.
Well, we may have but figure no one else has.
I guess we should have a meeting.
What really burns me, is that I never thought that at this age I would need to be looking for friends..anyone that would accept me into their circle. This is how I struggled years ago. Looking for friends that accepted me for who I really was. That is why the latched on to those that would let me. Those that accepted my weirdness.
Even to the extent of allowing myself to be used for what I could do.
It was acceptance, in a world I didn't think I fit in. I survived.
Barely.
Oh I hurt. Over and over.
I gave all I had, just to be discarded. Used. Abandoned.
Yeah, yeah.. not 'hunky' not too pretty. Over all ... useless.
Sure, for a while.. I accepted the being used as all I had to offer.
Sometimes it allowed me to be happy...for a short period of time.
I accepted it and took what I could from it. Yeah, it hurt. But such as it was..I accepted what I was given..took from it what I could... and suffered the aggravation of not being able to keep the happy In me.
Oh, I hoped for realization. I hoped for the happy to continue. To come back. But it never did.
No going back.
No matter how right it may have been. Or could be.
Yes, the potential happiness is there. But I cant make it happen on my own. If you give up, I am lost. I will keep trying. And I will hurt as I realize that it is not gonna change.
Funny. Been here again and again.
I still cannot figure what I did wrong , or what I didn't do.
Usually I cannot do anything. The timing was wrong.
But I see a pattern. I choose those that will hurt me.
I hope I can make my presence known. Show that I am worthy. Show that I can be all you would ever need.
Just to be discarded.
When I was young and all that.. I was discarded. So it is no surprise now..or should be no surprize. .. that I am good for now...but not good enough.
So, here I am near the end of another year.
Still alone. Longing not to be.
With no open options.
Clueless as always.
Lonely as always.
You would think I would be used to it by now.
But no. It just hurts.
I need to find the strength to make the leap.
Just drop off and start over.
Go somewhere no one knows me.
Close all my accounts and just disappear.
Run away from the hurt..indecision.. pain..
Start out as a hermit and just give up all and everything.
It really isn't much different from the life I have lead for the past year.
Just less expectations to fail.
I guess I hurt. More than I really know. Or admit.
It may be the time of year. It may be perceptions of my life.
Indecisions.
The realization that I still have no control.
My past is not helping me.
I know I have more to offer, I just cannot find who deserves it.
I think I know..and get told it isn't enough or something prevents it from being a reality.
My options .. my destinations .. have disappeared.
I have no 'invitations'. Not that has ever prevented me, but in this state, I don't want to intrude. .the last thing I want is to be a requirement.
If I am not wanted..I do not want to force my presence.
It is why I don't visit family.
Yes, I have burned some bridges. Totally my fault.
I will never know.
My fault. Sorry.
More sorry for me. It may have been the thing I needed.
Now I feel it would be lessened.. if I was to attempt.
So..I can't go there. Choice made.. wrong choice.
I can't go back and say..sorry..I should have picked you.. I didn't ..it went a different way so now I choose you..
No.. I cannot do that.
Everyone looses.
Sorry.
So I should just drop off all connectivity.
Disappear.
No one will really miss me..for too long.
I can really be alone.
In all aspects.. lose the hope..and accept the reality.
Give up on the hope of happy.
Sorry so down.
It is that time of year.
Not a lot of smiles.
Just day to day.
Looking. But never finding.
Too many years of that.
I should be used to it.
I am not.
No one but me really cares.
Truth. I know this. No way for me to change it.
I accepted it years ago.
I hide it well.
Well, maybe I don't.
Well. Thoughts in my head... don't always come out.. but they are there. Nothing ominous..just decisive.
Montana was my escape..years ago.. the place I would go if I wanted to disappear.
I think I need my Montana.
R
12/16/16
posted from Bloggeroid
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