Here we are. Where did the days go? Flying along. I have run out of time again.
I have a week and 2 days vacation, I will lose of I don't use it in the next 30.
Same dilemma. Tired of the confusion, indecision. I had worked it all out. Made plans that would work. Mulled over destinations. Kept talking myself out of committing to something.
My mind is trying to decide how to do this. And of course, failing to come to a reason to do one over another.
I don't want to intrude. I don't want to risk the awkward or more importantly the rejection.
I am, have always been a coward..no, guarded. Too afraid of the rejection, ths bad timing, the pain associated with hurting someone I care for.
My problem is I cannot hurt the ones I love. Even if they don't feel the same.
There is lots more to this, at least in my head. I just cannot allow myself to go there. At least not how I want to.
So, here I am, starting the first day of the last month of 2016.
I have time to burn. No idea how to approach how to use it.
I need it . I need to escape and decompress.
Some good company would help. But familiar surroundings would work too.
So.
Moving forward. I may have found a night job. A little quick short cash to pay off the new bills. Something to do with my late nights.
Waiting to hear.
The last 2 days i have struggled to get out of bed and to work on time. Another personal indicator that I need to purge the crap in my head. Get back to that place where I know who I am and what I can do. It's elusive but without a daily affirmation or at least a purpose, beyond paying my bills. I will make less bills if I have something driving my day to day.
Here I am struggling, because I have no one to do for.
Yes, my young adult has requirements. But it has become a given. I will and do because I feel I have to. And she knows it.
Have I said how intelligent she is.
Yes, my fault.
Yes, I would be so alone if she left and found a life that excluded me, yes I am afraid of that.
Afraid she will do what her mom did, what I did to my own parents.
I have contributed to the perfect example of what she could do.
Yes, I know how alone I would be.
I think that is why I am allowing the present lonelyness.
Preparation.
I have not given this open thought. Just background thoughts.
I know its real.
I need to just continue.
Keep my eyes open.
Pay attention.
It may help to get out and be more open.
Stop overthinking.
Yeah, right!
I have been telling myself that since I was 17.
I will try to get this last months time used.
I could really use a friendly escape.
I guess I need to find an ocean to listen to.
Been a while.
December is almost here.
Maybe I should just go skiing in Vermont.
There is a thought.
Hmmm
As I said before. I can be alone anywhere. It don't have to be here.
Here is where you are.
Hello December.
R 11/30/16
For 20 more minutes...
I have a week and 2 days vacation, I will lose of I don't use it in the next 30.
Same dilemma. Tired of the confusion, indecision. I had worked it all out. Made plans that would work. Mulled over destinations. Kept talking myself out of committing to something.
My mind is trying to decide how to do this. And of course, failing to come to a reason to do one over another.
I don't want to intrude. I don't want to risk the awkward or more importantly the rejection.
I am, have always been a coward..no, guarded. Too afraid of the rejection, ths bad timing, the pain associated with hurting someone I care for.
My problem is I cannot hurt the ones I love. Even if they don't feel the same.
There is lots more to this, at least in my head. I just cannot allow myself to go there. At least not how I want to.
So, here I am, starting the first day of the last month of 2016.
I have time to burn. No idea how to approach how to use it.
I need it . I need to escape and decompress.
Some good company would help. But familiar surroundings would work too.
So.
Moving forward. I may have found a night job. A little quick short cash to pay off the new bills. Something to do with my late nights.
Waiting to hear.
The last 2 days i have struggled to get out of bed and to work on time. Another personal indicator that I need to purge the crap in my head. Get back to that place where I know who I am and what I can do. It's elusive but without a daily affirmation or at least a purpose, beyond paying my bills. I will make less bills if I have something driving my day to day.
Here I am struggling, because I have no one to do for.
Yes, my young adult has requirements. But it has become a given. I will and do because I feel I have to. And she knows it.
Have I said how intelligent she is.
Yes, my fault.
Yes, I would be so alone if she left and found a life that excluded me, yes I am afraid of that.
Afraid she will do what her mom did, what I did to my own parents.
I have contributed to the perfect example of what she could do.
Yes, I know how alone I would be.
I think that is why I am allowing the present lonelyness.
Preparation.
I have not given this open thought. Just background thoughts.
I know its real.
I need to just continue.
Keep my eyes open.
Pay attention.
It may help to get out and be more open.
Stop overthinking.
Yeah, right!
I have been telling myself that since I was 17.
I will try to get this last months time used.
I could really use a friendly escape.
I guess I need to find an ocean to listen to.
Been a while.
December is almost here.
Maybe I should just go skiing in Vermont.
There is a thought.
Hmmm
As I said before. I can be alone anywhere. It don't have to be here.
Here is where you are.
Hello December.
R 11/30/16
For 20 more minutes...
posted from Bloggeroid
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