Ticking away.
I have a few things to accomplish this week. If everything cooperates.
Parts, time, equipment.
I should be able to get some of it done.
Bills are caught up.. but more coming. One more paycheck this year. I deferred 2 months of a bill.. and paid $200 more than tbe payments to do it.. lesson learned. . Dont do that again.
I need to explore the parttime job..
Or 2017 will be the death of my credit score.
I will raise a glass to a departed friend. I learned JJ has gone to find his dad. He was a good ole boy. A friend. I know he is missed.
I took a drive on Sunday. Just me.
Pearl and my Floyd CDs. 250 miles.
I needed to clear my head. Not talk to anyone.
I know I disappointed my young adult. She didn't get what she asked for. Most I didn't know. Much I didn't have the cash for.
Plus.. 1/17/17 is coming. Got to plan for that.
Expensive dinner... I will plan.
She is figuring out the 'im pretty buy me stuff' ..which concerns me.
Because she isn't targeting me.
We have to have a chat.
The last few months have had me wondering. Questioning.
I have restricted myself, holding back, I need to figure out where I am heading, I have been planning and canceling, looking for reasons. I have found many reasons not.
I have not found any replacement or reason to try.
Some notes disturb me.
One.. it is apparent.. I am not allowed.
Two..it is apparent it still matters.
So removal does not help.
Also..nothing will ever help.
So..that means.. give up. Stop waiting for it to pass. It won't.
You have no chance. You did. But you don't.
Maybe you never did.
Hmm..been here before..a long time ago.
You never learn.
Yes.. I could try..maybe she won't hold it against me.
But I feel I have passed up..and backed up. I don't know if that changes stuff. I also don't think it will go far. Lots of unknowns.
Local.. can't figure that out .
I don't know where to step.
Nothing happening..just someone to talk to.
I have to adjust my schedule to accommodate. .
That is tough. I am set in the late night. Early evening would be an adjustment.
Some young people go to bed far too early.
Or they have decided that they need to be home..by x..
I think I really just need to give up.
I am old. I am unique.
No one really gets me..no one realizes what I need.
No one really cares to know.
No one really cares to know me.
Hmm.. I know I have said that before.
I am not that different..not that odd.
I have stepped out and been slapped with the realization, many times. I never learn.
I guess I am hopeful.
Silly boy..not for you.
I know I have missed the window..thank you 'A' for using up all my usefullness.
Not bitter.just disappointed.
After all this time. You would think I could work this out.
Find the one that gets me.. find one that appreciates what I offer.
I am far from needing anything specific. Yes I have criteria..who don't..but I have gone beyond that many times..taken the leap.
No.. it don't ever work. But it could.
If I could be in love with a lesbian for 20 years.. really!
So..now I am alone.
Too old to know what to do to go anywhere else .. alone.. is where I am.
I guess I need to stop dwelling on this. It isnt helping.
It surely isn't changing.
Work..work is the answer.
Then time and vacations and freetime is no longer a problem.
Sanity will have to be faked, but done that before..
Work work work work... I can do it. 2017 the year of work..
It will pay the bills. .... and pay the bills..
Did I say it will pay the bills?
I can go back to the grumpy old man I have become.
No reason to smile.
So why should I?
I am just too old to be thinking about happiness.
I missed it.. 20 years ago.. put my eggs in the wrong basket.
If I only knew.
Ok. Enough of that..I was spiraling down..
My friend.. is realizing his mortality..
His disease.. and age and loss..
I cannot console him.
I should find a way.
I am concerned that my life will change abrubtly.
If it does. Many things out of my control will change.
I am not sure I am ready.
I am worried.
I have always said it is better to think that way than think you are irreplaceable. Pride is a downfall.
My life is a true example..you can be replaced.. expect it. Plan for it.
If it never happens..lucky you. If it does.. no surprize!
Move on.
Tuck n roll.....
I will need to re-read this one.
(I did an edited..punctuated..clarified)
I have no idea what I have written..
I have less than a week of this year left.
I really have no end of the year wisdom to pass on.
2016 has not been a notable year.
Lots of consolation. Lots of 'just take what is given'
Accept the cards as dealt.
Move on..forward..stop standing still.
Yes. Nothing worked out as you expected.
You didn't win..
You haven't lost.
Just keep trying.
Someday.. that person you will know..will know you are the one...
Not ..were the one.. are!
Someday.
You know..
In my life.. I have known several that could have been..
Had the potential..for extreme happiness.
Several
Things happened .. life and such ..
Age ..time..family..distance...and timing.
I am older than I am..I feel younger than I should. .
I cannot live where I need to ...
No one will let me.
Not even me.
Montana.
I figured out a few years ago.
I can buy 1000 acres In. Montana.. become self-sufficent.. add a satellite.. and internet..and live off the grid..and no one will know..or care.
Create an internet business. Repair equipment.. and farm.
Drop off..
The UPS man and postman be my only face to face friends..
I may be doing it now.. you would never know.
Something to think about.
R 12/27/16
I
posted from Bloggeroid
No comments:
Post a Comment