Ohh that is who your yelling at!

After re-reading the last few posts...
I could not see who it was directed at.. very disjointed..
Hard to follow and several detours..

I figured out. . I was yelling at me!

Those disjointed statements... half thoughts.. complaints.. were to me..
I am harsh and unforgiving when it comes to examining my lack of action.
I was reading and wondering who I was pissed at.. it is me.
I need to figure out a lot. I need to find that happy place.. and move there.

So.. no.. I am not passing judgement on anyone else.. just me..
I am failing everywhere.. I cannot save it.. it is a sinking ship.. and I am standing on the deck.
I really need to recenter and figure out the next step.
Work..home..parenting..relationships..friendships..finances the lot!
I need to stop floundering..and make a stand..make a decision.. a plan..even if it fails..it is a start in a direction..
I need to be the go to guy for me.. like I am for everyone else..
I can do this..I can fix this..I can make it less painful.

I know how to do this..I have given this advice to others...I need to give it to me... if I will heed it.

I think my issue is I have no one here I can confide in. . No one that wants to hear it... everyone I know needs..and not willing to help.
Yes, I need help.
Everywhere.
I have been sliding away for so long.. I am lost.

Lost.

I have been living here..in this life .. this place..
For 14 yrs.. and.. I have no one I can call friend.
That is sad.
Yes, I did that to myself in the beginning..but now.. it is out of my control.. here I am..
The only friends I have are not local.. 2200 miles away..

I have dug this hole.. here I lie.

I have located myself far from friends and family.. lovers and companions.. for reasons that do not matter anymore..not mattered for 10 yrs.. yet. I am still here.. surviving. . Barely..

Changes need to be made.
Soon.
Serious changes!

I am not a kid anymore.
I need to restructure my thought processes...
Yes..I have responsibilities. . Human and financial..
But I have a responsibility to me..my happiness..my comfort.
And I must acknowledge that.

Yes..all good in a post..
I need to.. do.. this.

There is no one..
No where..
In my life..
At this time..
That can suggest. .or direct me.
No one cares enough..or has the knowledge. . To help.
Everyone has their issues..
Unlike me..i put others ahead of me..
I help them..

Help me!

Yes..I am asking.

You should know..
The lonelyness is an issue..one we dwell on.
It is in our face. .
Something we obsess on..
It can be remedied. . With friendship.. care and..connection.
I have friends.
I know.. the friends I have care deeply..
But.....

I know where I rate..

Not discounting.. our friendship...
But.. I know I am far away..
Farther than.. you have ever traveled. .

But.. the great out there... exists.. some of us... are out here..
And hope you find us.

Yes.. I know..we.need to..launch that locator flare.

I have been firing the flares...
No one has been seeing them.

:(

You know..sometimes. .... helping others. ...
Helps you!

I have been doing this.. forever.

Sorry to say..the results.. require....a lot of work...
I can do it..
I have done it.
But. .. This point. .. I need help.

Ok.. I must stop..
Too much beer.

If you know me. .
Love you.

If you don't. .
Love you to!

I have to go...

Good night.

R
10/19/16

posted from Bloggeroid