Blank

This is kind of fitting.
I posted a blank page.
Must have hit post twice.
So, now I am editing the blank post.

As I said kind of fitting. I am filling in the blanks at work.
Knocking off the projects I started but never finished.
Remote camera's. Rear door magnet lock and panic bar.
I also need to replace the front entry remote opener system.
I bought most of the parts for all of these projects last april.
Now I have made the time to finish.
I still have the new vehicle to get done, but waiting for that to come back from being fixed and logo'd.
I have completed the employee reviews.
And I have submitted my vacation time to clear it off the books.
I have been on vacation all this week and all last week...on paper.
I have been doing my repair work at home, I am caught up.
Waiting on payments.

My kiddo is still doing the same.
I am still doing the same.
Still stuck. Still indecisive. Plans come and go.
I get hints and ideas but nothing is manifesting..nothing falling into place..to say ..ok. good Idea..lets do this.

Oh I read somethings between the lines..sometimes the subtle is not mistakeable.

(Edit)

It is what it is.
Some try. I see. But I don't bite. I cannot. Not yet. Not now. The only upfront isn't a hint at all. It just is.
I actually had a short conversation ..mostly listening and agreeing..you do that when the speaker needs to talk through the last 5 drinks.. about how even if we find another we still have eachother..because we get us. Not great..but good.
Still not going anywhere I need to be.

I know I need to work. Work more.
It will be good for me. I won't spend so much time on the couch watching tv. I will have more money. Less time... to be lonely. My bills will get paid. I won't have to worry about having time off.. because I will work while on vacation. I will be too tired to worry about coming home to an empty bed.
Lots of wins.
The example may fire up the young adult.
May.

But.. what to do?
Gas station/convenience store?
Late night retail?
Life of crime?... lol

Nothing has presented it self as opportunities .
Maybe night office cleaning. I know a guy... hmm.

I need to do something. . Go somewhere. . In January.
Or February. I think..Seattle or Oregon. I know people in those places..and I have never been.
Scout out..

Its that flee mentality. I could rent out the house.. and boogie.

I know..it creeps in. It is back there.. in my head. Sometimes screaming..usually whispering.

I look around and think.. I have nothing..no one..no reason..other than a job I cannot replace, that barely pays my bills. To keep me here in this place. No friends. No lovers. Barely a reason to get up each day and a strangled pillow waiting for me in my bed each night. I have no one here that knows .. me. My struggle, my wants or needs.
It is really tough sometimes.
I know I am not alone. I sympathize with all I know dealing with the same. I feel I cannot complain too much. I have it pretty good compared to most I know. Yes, it still hurts... just as much.

Lonely is lonely.
Broke is broke...even if you have money coming in. If it is already spent. .you are still broke. You still worry about if your gonna pay that bill that is due. You juggle..you figure it out. If I didn't have the money..it's easy..no one gets paid.
I cannot complain. I dug that hole.. now a money pit.
My fault. But I am living it.

Yes, I have dedication..I need to be responsible..do what I have to. Pay what I owe. Live my life. Do my job. Get up and do it all again.
Which is why I am still doing the same thing..day in day out.

So much for 'blank'.

I am sitting here in a crowded place... totally alone.
Feeling..and being.
Drinking a couple beers to numb the mind..to be able to sleep.
Then get up and do it all again..and again.. and again.

R 12 /21/16

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