Well..the month is starting busy.
All this week..go..go..go..
Today was no exception. Busy from the time I got there.. no lunch.. errands instead. I did get out at 5:30.. but went home and worked on the car. Then moved the car to work..for the weekend.
Note: tonight. L drove by herself. Met me at work after I dropped the car. I am happy.
My vacation options are diminishing. It is looking like maybe first or second week of December. Maybe a driving trip..maybe a flyer.
Just have to find someone that wants to see me. Without excuses or reservations.
I see them everywhere I want to be..
Understandable. .but still not easy..
Maybe I should head out to Idaho..or Montana or Seattle.... just scout out the landscape.
I can be alone anywhere.
Why restrict it to Colorado.?
Yes..a bit down.. lost..wandering in my head..
I really am not meeting anyone new...or old..and have no local support group.. the more I think of it..the more it makes me wonder why.
(Sarcastic mode enabled)
I know I have nothing to offer..no prospects..I am hard to talk to..hard to get along with..never comprise. .never give in..I mooch..have no job.. no home..I am irresponsible. .foolish... I only care about me..I don't care about anyone else. . I expect to be catered to.. I will never give in.. my way or the hiway.. I dont respect anyone or anything. I don't care about anyone but me.
I am selfish in life and everywhere else that really matters. .
....
(Sarcastic mode ..ends)
So I have to ask..
Why?
I know..I am not a bad boy.
I think after the last decade's milestone.. that isn't as desireable..
Yet..I am where I am.
Puzzled.
No one will let me show what I can do..or be..
Maybe they are there..waiting on me..
But in true .. me style.. I have no clue.
So the next day is coming..nothing is changed.
And I will tick off this day and start the next..
Again and again.
Time is moving past me..I am grey and not young anymore..and it does not seem to be changing..
I do not feel how I look..never did..or feel my age..never did..
But to anyone else.. I am just that old guy..or that one you ignore..
Or not ignore..but never consider...
I know I am not invisible..just not an option.. or maybe I am not considered.. not available. .
You know..this life does not restrict us to age or looks or status .. or any of the other protected categories.. a person has to explore.. test and see.. go against the norm to go beyond everything to find the one.. the one.. that comepletes you..and them. .the one you are looking for ..the one they are looking for...
If you know someone that you need..
Someone that completes you..
And they are clueless.. wake them up!
Or if they know too.. make sure they know..you know.
Tell them..
Make it known..make it work.
All the rest..everyone else..even those close to you..
At this point.. do not matter..as much as your happiness..your completeness...you will have to continue after they have started their own life.. your relationship will change ..again..as you move into the next chapters.. you will have learned to deprive yourself of knowing what you need or deserve. .after they have created what you wanted for them..their own independant life.
And you will be alone again..as you planned..not intentionally..but in making what you knew they would need. Never thinking about you.
Or where you would be.. now.
I am scheduled to age another year.. soon.
I see the grey haired guy..in my mirror...
Really..waiting for it to go all white..like my dad.
Hello. .November. hello..
R
11/3/16
All this week..go..go..go..
Today was no exception. Busy from the time I got there.. no lunch.. errands instead. I did get out at 5:30.. but went home and worked on the car. Then moved the car to work..for the weekend.
Note: tonight. L drove by herself. Met me at work after I dropped the car. I am happy.
My vacation options are diminishing. It is looking like maybe first or second week of December. Maybe a driving trip..maybe a flyer.
Just have to find someone that wants to see me. Without excuses or reservations.
I see them everywhere I want to be..
Understandable. .but still not easy..
Maybe I should head out to Idaho..or Montana or Seattle.... just scout out the landscape.
I can be alone anywhere.
Why restrict it to Colorado.?
Yes..a bit down.. lost..wandering in my head..
I really am not meeting anyone new...or old..and have no local support group.. the more I think of it..the more it makes me wonder why.
(Sarcastic mode enabled)
I know I have nothing to offer..no prospects..I am hard to talk to..hard to get along with..never comprise. .never give in..I mooch..have no job.. no home..I am irresponsible. .foolish... I only care about me..I don't care about anyone else. . I expect to be catered to.. I will never give in.. my way or the hiway.. I dont respect anyone or anything. I don't care about anyone but me.
I am selfish in life and everywhere else that really matters. .
....
(Sarcastic mode ..ends)
So I have to ask..
Why?
I know..I am not a bad boy.
I think after the last decade's milestone.. that isn't as desireable..
Yet..I am where I am.
Puzzled.
No one will let me show what I can do..or be..
Maybe they are there..waiting on me..
But in true .. me style.. I have no clue.
So the next day is coming..nothing is changed.
And I will tick off this day and start the next..
Again and again.
Time is moving past me..I am grey and not young anymore..and it does not seem to be changing..
I do not feel how I look..never did..or feel my age..never did..
But to anyone else.. I am just that old guy..or that one you ignore..
Or not ignore..but never consider...
I know I am not invisible..just not an option.. or maybe I am not considered.. not available. .
You know..this life does not restrict us to age or looks or status .. or any of the other protected categories.. a person has to explore.. test and see.. go against the norm to go beyond everything to find the one.. the one.. that comepletes you..and them. .the one you are looking for ..the one they are looking for...
If you know someone that you need..
Someone that completes you..
And they are clueless.. wake them up!
Or if they know too.. make sure they know..you know.
Tell them..
Make it known..make it work.
All the rest..everyone else..even those close to you..
At this point.. do not matter..as much as your happiness..your completeness...you will have to continue after they have started their own life.. your relationship will change ..again..as you move into the next chapters.. you will have learned to deprive yourself of knowing what you need or deserve. .after they have created what you wanted for them..their own independant life.
And you will be alone again..as you planned..not intentionally..but in making what you knew they would need. Never thinking about you.
Or where you would be.. now.
I am scheduled to age another year.. soon.
I see the grey haired guy..in my mirror...
Really..waiting for it to go all white..like my dad.
Hello. .November. hello..
R
11/3/16
posted from Bloggeroid
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