But where is the fun In that?
I just realized I also have 2 more days of unused time that expires at the end of this month. Making a total of 80 hours..
Ha!
I may just put it on the schedule as if I took it all. And come into work anyway.
I've been staying late almost everyday for the past few weeks.
Not that it matters. Not that im getting paid extra for it. I am just getting stuff done. At least it feels that way.
I need to do a few things.
Some new, most as always. Changes to me. Refinements to my attitude. Make those choices and step away from the me I have been for so long. I have made subtle changes over the years. Most have worked into myself for the better. But the fear and apprehension is still there. If just peeking around the corner. Enough for me to see. And know. And it affects what I do and how I approach life.
Those things are needed if my life is to be different than what it has been. But I am not sure how to move into this. I have every now and then. It was good. Ended poorly but it was good. Made that bold move, that welcome advance. I really don't know where I got the idea/feeling to even speak up. It amazed me.
Yes , stress and tears happened. But it was good for a good while.
Learning experience.
You get curves thrown at you. If you duck you miss out if you swing. Sometimes you get that hit.
Changes in attitude need to be made. Unless I want to be stuck here for another year.
In many places.
I have that feeling, the one, to run. To go and leave a lot behind.
I still have that baggage that I can box up and leave behind.
I have age and experience. But no where to apply it.
I can no longer justify pack-up and move ..cold without a destination, a new future. I am not young and wanted any more.
I need to find a need I can fill. And present myself to do that.
Again if I don't ask, I won't know.
Changes at work are inevitable. They happen. I need to find a change I can use to my advantage.
I just realized, this moment, my young adult has no ties to this place. None. No job. No friends. No favorite places. Not even her mom. Nothing is keeping her here. Not one thing.
What is my excuse.. the one of three requirements.
That is nothing.
I need to rethink this.
Step by step. I need to go through the research.. as I do. And find out why I am sitting in this chair at this time. Now.
Hmmm.
I can be alone anywhere. Why not some where new, or old? Somewhere with friends.
I know, I have friends here. Just not Friends. I know people and get along with most. I dont have many that will call and say hey what are your plans for tonight or tomorrow? Right now.. probably 2 people. One I cannot figure out. The other is just looking to be a friend.
The one I cant figure out.. is minorly transparent. Curious, but I do not figure into anything more than a friend. As far as I know.
Things are never what they seem.
I may just be not agressive enough.
I tried. It was accepted, but ignored.
Past pain will do that to most.
I can't be that bold. To see if it's real.
Afraid of the push off.
You know the one that always happens.
' your great.. go away'
:(
Too many times.
It just hurts. No one realizes how much effort is required to get to that point. To drop all the walls and step out of the comfort zone.
To open up and put it all out there, naked. Just the real me.
It just hurts to be all in and open, to be told you are not enough.
Yes, it may be just that they are not allowing themselves to be happy, they feel its wrong. So they push away.
You are only gonna be happy if you let yourself.
You will always find an excuse why you cannot be happy.
The past. The future. The present.
This applies to all of us.
I know lt. It is difficult to change that attitude.
It can happen.
If you really want.
Your past is a learning experience. It should never dictate your present or future. Yes I know it does, if you let it.
Many of us have pasts that we never let become the past.
It consumes our present.
I am by no means saying to let go of your past.
It's experiences have made you what you are right now!
But we all must learn to use our pasts to mold our future.
To allow us to live in the now not the then.
The then has lots of darkness. Our now has darkness.
But if we dwell on it now.. we feel it's pain.
If we dwell on the then.. It's pain will prevent the now.
And postpone the future.
We should never forget our pasts.
But we should never restrict our present because of our past.
If we do, we are not learning from the experience, good and bad, of the past. There always is good and bad. We like to remember the good, as we should.
Nothing is perfect. We are imperfect beings. We make mistakes.
The good we do must out weigh the things we do wrong.
No one is immune to bad choices. Mistakes.
It is just how much we dwell on one or the other.
We need to break out, sensibly, to the forgiving, understanding, persons we should be.
I mess up, you mess up.
What is forgiveable.what isnt?
It depends on your perception and your level of forgiveness.
Not everyone can see the good in a person who is not being good.. or not trying. Or who has given up or in to the next thing.
Sometimes there is no going back. Some times there isn't a chance.
Forgive.
Do not make it your responsibility to correct someone else's misgivings . They are only human.
You are only human.
Love.
Forgive.
Live in the now.
R 12/2/16
Tick tock
I just realized I also have 2 more days of unused time that expires at the end of this month. Making a total of 80 hours..
Ha!
I may just put it on the schedule as if I took it all. And come into work anyway.
I've been staying late almost everyday for the past few weeks.
Not that it matters. Not that im getting paid extra for it. I am just getting stuff done. At least it feels that way.
I need to do a few things.
Some new, most as always. Changes to me. Refinements to my attitude. Make those choices and step away from the me I have been for so long. I have made subtle changes over the years. Most have worked into myself for the better. But the fear and apprehension is still there. If just peeking around the corner. Enough for me to see. And know. And it affects what I do and how I approach life.
Those things are needed if my life is to be different than what it has been. But I am not sure how to move into this. I have every now and then. It was good. Ended poorly but it was good. Made that bold move, that welcome advance. I really don't know where I got the idea/feeling to even speak up. It amazed me.
Yes , stress and tears happened. But it was good for a good while.
Learning experience.
You get curves thrown at you. If you duck you miss out if you swing. Sometimes you get that hit.
Changes in attitude need to be made. Unless I want to be stuck here for another year.
In many places.
I have that feeling, the one, to run. To go and leave a lot behind.
I still have that baggage that I can box up and leave behind.
I have age and experience. But no where to apply it.
I can no longer justify pack-up and move ..cold without a destination, a new future. I am not young and wanted any more.
I need to find a need I can fill. And present myself to do that.
Again if I don't ask, I won't know.
Changes at work are inevitable. They happen. I need to find a change I can use to my advantage.
I just realized, this moment, my young adult has no ties to this place. None. No job. No friends. No favorite places. Not even her mom. Nothing is keeping her here. Not one thing.
What is my excuse.. the one of three requirements.
That is nothing.
I need to rethink this.
Step by step. I need to go through the research.. as I do. And find out why I am sitting in this chair at this time. Now.
Hmmm.
I can be alone anywhere. Why not some where new, or old? Somewhere with friends.
I know, I have friends here. Just not Friends. I know people and get along with most. I dont have many that will call and say hey what are your plans for tonight or tomorrow? Right now.. probably 2 people. One I cannot figure out. The other is just looking to be a friend.
The one I cant figure out.. is minorly transparent. Curious, but I do not figure into anything more than a friend. As far as I know.
Things are never what they seem.
I may just be not agressive enough.
I tried. It was accepted, but ignored.
Past pain will do that to most.
I can't be that bold. To see if it's real.
Afraid of the push off.
You know the one that always happens.
' your great.. go away'
:(
Too many times.
It just hurts. No one realizes how much effort is required to get to that point. To drop all the walls and step out of the comfort zone.
To open up and put it all out there, naked. Just the real me.
It just hurts to be all in and open, to be told you are not enough.
Yes, it may be just that they are not allowing themselves to be happy, they feel its wrong. So they push away.
You are only gonna be happy if you let yourself.
You will always find an excuse why you cannot be happy.
The past. The future. The present.
This applies to all of us.
I know lt. It is difficult to change that attitude.
It can happen.
If you really want.
Your past is a learning experience. It should never dictate your present or future. Yes I know it does, if you let it.
Many of us have pasts that we never let become the past.
It consumes our present.
I am by no means saying to let go of your past.
It's experiences have made you what you are right now!
But we all must learn to use our pasts to mold our future.
To allow us to live in the now not the then.
The then has lots of darkness. Our now has darkness.
But if we dwell on it now.. we feel it's pain.
If we dwell on the then.. It's pain will prevent the now.
And postpone the future.
We should never forget our pasts.
But we should never restrict our present because of our past.
If we do, we are not learning from the experience, good and bad, of the past. There always is good and bad. We like to remember the good, as we should.
Nothing is perfect. We are imperfect beings. We make mistakes.
The good we do must out weigh the things we do wrong.
No one is immune to bad choices. Mistakes.
It is just how much we dwell on one or the other.
We need to break out, sensibly, to the forgiving, understanding, persons we should be.
I mess up, you mess up.
What is forgiveable.what isnt?
It depends on your perception and your level of forgiveness.
Not everyone can see the good in a person who is not being good.. or not trying. Or who has given up or in to the next thing.
Sometimes there is no going back. Some times there isn't a chance.
Forgive.
Do not make it your responsibility to correct someone else's misgivings . They are only human.
You are only human.
Love.
Forgive.
Live in the now.
R 12/2/16
Tick tock
posted from Bloggeroid
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