We are in that season.
I think I may just be too old.
Too many years of, blah.
Not enough family or having anyone that cares or to care for.
I'm in the going through the motions phase.
Very little to get excited about, day to day.
I try, really try to find the 'happy'.
Just it has become an effort.
I haven't given up. But it is turning into a chore.
What am I to do?
I can only go so far with making it work.
I have experience, 20 years, but I have lost the drive.
I have put all my effort into dead ends for so long.
Easy going will never come. I have been waiting.
I should give up. Find something I don't have to think about.
Something mindless.
'The blonde ditz' .
Oh how I used that phrase years ago. No effort. A lost puppy.
Craving attention, always forgiving, no effort, easy. Boring.
No, I crave intelligent conversation. A brain. Challenges.
That always ends in tears. They are too smart for me.
They realize I am 'not enough'. And move on.
I have been moving forward in this existance, looking for some form of completion. Something I always knew I deserved, but never truly found. I have those moments where I know I will live this life as it is. The way it has been. For the rest of it.
I have not fulfilled my parenting duty. I fell short without the support I have had for her 20 years. Even my work ethic example is lost.
I really have no idea how to make any difference, and her other has withdrawn into her life. Blaming me and her for the whys and wherefores. So just lost.
It hurts to see. Knowing the loss of an accessible parent.
I feel I have failed there.
Not what I wanted for her.
So as I flounder. Lost and unmotivated. Wondering what I should do next or with the rest of my life.
Too worried about paying and making bills, the only reason I am here now. Work to pay what I owe. No smiles for doing that.
15 or so years to retire. I know I won't . I will work till the day they put the last nail in. Hell, I will probably help.
No legacy. No immortality. Just memories.
I know. Dark. Dreary.
The last few posts have been there.
It is that time of year. I have nothing to make that different.
I did not plan for the issues this year has handed me.
I have dealt with most. I have calculated the next few moves.
So here I am. Reacting instead of making the next move.
I feel I have lost.
I am lost. Which has always been where I live.
I was born in the wrong time. I do not deal well in this place.
I end up making corrections, fixing things, things that should not need fixing. Things that by now should be already just working.
Hey! Happy, where did you go?
What did I say?
Why have you been running away from me?
R 11/24/16
I think I may just be too old.
Too many years of, blah.
Not enough family or having anyone that cares or to care for.
I'm in the going through the motions phase.
Very little to get excited about, day to day.
I try, really try to find the 'happy'.
Just it has become an effort.
I haven't given up. But it is turning into a chore.
What am I to do?
I can only go so far with making it work.
I have experience, 20 years, but I have lost the drive.
I have put all my effort into dead ends for so long.
Easy going will never come. I have been waiting.
I should give up. Find something I don't have to think about.
Something mindless.
'The blonde ditz' .
Oh how I used that phrase years ago. No effort. A lost puppy.
Craving attention, always forgiving, no effort, easy. Boring.
No, I crave intelligent conversation. A brain. Challenges.
That always ends in tears. They are too smart for me.
They realize I am 'not enough'. And move on.
I have been moving forward in this existance, looking for some form of completion. Something I always knew I deserved, but never truly found. I have those moments where I know I will live this life as it is. The way it has been. For the rest of it.
I have not fulfilled my parenting duty. I fell short without the support I have had for her 20 years. Even my work ethic example is lost.
I really have no idea how to make any difference, and her other has withdrawn into her life. Blaming me and her for the whys and wherefores. So just lost.
It hurts to see. Knowing the loss of an accessible parent.
I feel I have failed there.
Not what I wanted for her.
So as I flounder. Lost and unmotivated. Wondering what I should do next or with the rest of my life.
Too worried about paying and making bills, the only reason I am here now. Work to pay what I owe. No smiles for doing that.
15 or so years to retire. I know I won't . I will work till the day they put the last nail in. Hell, I will probably help.
No legacy. No immortality. Just memories.
I know. Dark. Dreary.
The last few posts have been there.
It is that time of year. I have nothing to make that different.
I did not plan for the issues this year has handed me.
I have dealt with most. I have calculated the next few moves.
So here I am. Reacting instead of making the next move.
I feel I have lost.
I am lost. Which has always been where I live.
I was born in the wrong time. I do not deal well in this place.
I end up making corrections, fixing things, things that should not need fixing. Things that by now should be already just working.
Hey! Happy, where did you go?
What did I say?
Why have you been running away from me?
R 11/24/16
posted from Bloggeroid
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