2015...

Tic tic tic..
Time is ticking away..
The year is coming to a close...

I really need to do a bit more..
Cement in a few changes..

Define a destination...no.. a starting point..
I need a point to launch from..

I feel like I need a direction..
A compass point to start the next adventure..
A starting point .. some place to begin my new journey.

I am still just here. Waiting for the next ..

Time again is not my friend..neither is distance..
Opportunity..is there..and not..
Age can be a factor..and sometimes the future can hinge on age.
I am not young any more..and that dont help..

Your Life can be filled with people and you can still be alone..

That is not where anyone should be when they get older..
But usually where you end up..

..

R 12/25/15

Effect

Memories.. reminders.. and what could have been.
Many times things dont work out as you plan..
Hell..most times you get the short end of the stick..
You end up making adjustments and changes to stay sane.
Sometimes .. you get reminders..signs if you will.. that envoke a memory..
And with that info..insight..you can figure out where you are.
It is nice when you actually see it. And can be nice when you can decipher it.. decrypt..what your subconscious is telling you.

Maybe you are thankful for the insight..maybe you can realize where you dont want to be..or realize you are glad you are not where you were.
That is one of the benefits of knowing how you got where you are..

Now just to figure out where you are going.

R 12/22/15

I am sorry

Yes.. I am sorry I cannot make what I feel more than obvious..maybe I do...maybe I dont.
I am ..
I feel..
I show what I have..and put it out there.
I need what I get..
(I am not greedy.... I need)
You fulfill...
I understand..
And I wait...
Distance..
I love you.
You love me.
Smiles.

R
12/22/15

Positive energy

Sending positive energy.
Get better soon.

R
12/21/15

Days and hours..

Each day has hours, minutes and seconds.
Some are longer than others..some are quick.
Some I would never give away..never give back..
Spending an amount of time that is meaningful..even in silence..
Is priceless. It can .. usually does... make a long day worthwhile.
It makes the mundane..or the stressful worth it.
That time is what makes my day.
The smiles..laughs..comfort.. it is all there.

Thank you!

This is the time of year where people reflect..and usually if not surrounded by family, are alone.. rarely a comfortable time.
To know you have someone there..even if not in person.. for you.. a voice, a feeling, a presence.. makes a huge difference in the day to day. It is a shared thing..it usually isn't one sided. Each person benefits..and the feeling grows and the smiles radiate.

A person is never more beautiful than when they smile..even if it is inside, the shine radiates in everything they do.. and spreads happiness.

There needs to be more happiness in this world.
The fact that one or two people can generate happiness..that is shared and can grow..is a magnificent thing.. we need to do our best to keep spreading it..
Have you ever met one of those 'happy people' the ones that are foolishly happy all the time.. its contagious.. even if its annoying..
You succumb to it..and cant help smiling and enjoying it.

Perma-smile..

A phrase a close friend tagged me with..when I was young..
I know I have it..and people notice..its hard to hide..and you never want to..

It is what people need ..not just this time of year..but all the time.

You make the smile come out..

Thanks!!

R 12/16/15

Mid December

Here we are..
Mid December 2015.
Lots left to do before the year ends..but I am proud to say I think I have accomplished quite a bit.

I am still holding it together..and feel I have one of the greatest friends in my life... we help eachother.. we feel eachothers love and rely on the companionship.
I know we make time for the other and can change a bad mood and darkness into smiles and sunshine!

Sometimes..its just listenening to the other explain their day..some times its grabbing hold and pulling the other back..and giving that hug that you both need. Sometimes its that heart or smile emoticon..at the right time..and everything falls back into place.

The nice thing..the really nice thing..is it works that way for both of us. Someone needs to bottle this.. it would fix the world!

I know i'm not perfect..and know life on a personal level can some times change things..but..I think, what I have.. what I am experiencing.. what I feel.. is the place to be..right now.
Most of my daily... yes, daily smiles belong to you.
You create them..you find them..you make me find them in you..
I have said I love to hear you smile.. cause I can hear it. And I know you can too.

...

Ok..
I (edit)..
I am your friend.
Simple. Matter of fact. No disputing that statement. (Try.. I dare you..I know you wouldn't)

It is December 2015.

2016 is a short way aways.. it has a lot of promise.
I see many options in my future. I have had a focus the past 9 or 10 months..not a plan..not a destination..or even a destiny. .just a place i would like to be..

My old friend..he must have taken a vacation..maybe found an interest and is enjoying his time off.. not worrying about me..because I have something to do..that dont involve him.
I must say..I dont miss him. I think he understands.
Maybe i'll get a postcard from ole ISTBA.. I hope he is having a great time.. I know I am!.

Now if I could just see my way to transport either me somewhere or transport someone to me..for just a few days.. I think the perma-smile would come back..and people would be wondering...

Ok..
I have a smile.. and no one can take it away...

Nite

R 12/14/15

Titling these things are tough..

Sometimes I want to post..but have no real starting point.
So finding a post title is not always easy.
I usually have a lot rolling around in my head..and the thoughts are fighting to get out..I find it difficult to focus enough to post a coherent thought..

I currently am thinking about my last conversations.. if you dont know this I always do that . Sometimes to a fault. Mostly with a smile. I love being able to open up and explain me. I can be more than just one type of person..because I care on so many levels.. I can see the ranges I am able to be the friend and more.. I do step back and see what is needed and move from there.
Friendship requires a person to be more and sometimes less ..
It is always good..the heart understands. .and it is not ever because the feeling changes..it is what it is in the highest form..even though I scale it back to a lesser form..lesser is not really the correct definition..it is less intense form of friendship..relationship... I am still me..I still care as deep..and realize I must not be so intense..

It does not hurt me..because I am still a 'friend' and the amount of caring doesnt change..it just appears to be different. It really isnt and it is never less it is enough. The feeling dont change..it is just expressed in a different way. The warmth is still there.. and the caring still comes through... I hope.

I know nothing is promised if it isnt defined.
Definitions are continents in themselves..and it can be difficult to commit if you really dont know where you are. Most of us dont know where we are minute to minute..which makes the day to day that much more elusive. It isnt a real problem..it is how most of us deal with what to do next.

Nothing is written in stone..

If your lucky, you can see where you need to be...and who you need in your life to help keep you moving forward.

Standing still is never the correct option..you have to keep moving foreward..
Someone I know compared it to standing in a river.. everything is rushing by and if you are not moving..you are left behind.
You can either go with the flow..or go upstream...but if you stand still everything keeps moving...everything changes..and you are left behind..if you move with you are moving towards something..if you are moving against the flow...going upstream..you are headed towards some destination..no longer stagnant...but have a goal..which is always good.

I dont know why that thread happened..but it was in my head..and now you have it..

So this odd titled post is here..
Till next time...

R
12/09/15

Psst...

I love you
Good night

December 2015

Well..I made it to December.
I can be thankful..
I know I am loved.
And I know I love.
I cannot ask for more than that.
Well..I can...but I should not expect more...
Many have less.

Thank you ..
You who love me.
I hope I show you the love I have for you.
If I do not.. I mean to...

I have never given love easily..if you receive it from me..
It is earned.
If you get love from me..you totally deserve it.

No question..

I do love you.

Prove it otherwise.. I dare you..!!

Smooches!!

R 12/02/15

Close

Here we are..at the end of November 2015.
It wont be long before the end of this year.
Many things have happened.. and some are still the same.

Changes are in the future... some I know..many I do not.

I have to contemplate those that directly affect me and the ones I love.
Funny..the realization..that number is surprisingly small.

I do not know what 2016 has in store for me.
My guess.. many changes...
I hope all for the better.

I normally do not try to think that far ahead.. dont get me wrong.. I over think what I can..examine many possibilities..
Much to my regret..
But each new year..each month..each week ahead..is a forever changing thing..
Some decisions directly affect an out come..some are subtle..and time tells the result.
Some changes have absolutly no affect on the next..

I guess I just need not to be afraid of taking that next step.
I know it may or may not be that important.

No reason to second guess...
I need to make the current decision to be happy ...Now... and let the futrure work it self out.

Any ripple effect is what it is..
I can deal with the future when it becomes the present.

R
11/29/15

Conversations

Right now..
I live for my daily conversation.
I dont like missing my chance to hear your voice..or your laugh..even hear your smile..
Yes, I can hear it when you smile.. it makes me smile too.

Just asking how your day went and listening to your voice..
And sharing my day with you. Hearing you listen to me babble about whatever.. and wanting to hear more..

Sometimes all we get is a text or a picture... but I know you are there...it makes me happy..even when I have had thw worst day..

I do depend on the contact..

I do depend on you.

I know you and I need eachother..

And I am glad we found .. us.

Hugs and kisses..

R 11/25/15.

Missing

Not the lost type of the word..
The type that means a part is not there.
Something or someone is not here..
Someone ..
Or not there..
Me..

Physically not present.

Audibly and in written form..there is contact..and connection.
It means so much..and it really helps not feeling alone..
But no touch. No Presence.

That is the word.

R 11/22/15

Why

What is it?
WHY?
I dont know ...
I really dont like it when I dont know...

I take pride in knowing...

That is what I use to define me..

Knowing. .having the answers..or knowing how to make you think I know what I am talking about...

Lost......

R
11/18/15

Next 2..

Ok.. whats next?
Time to rethink my spending.
Some things are easy..
Cut the non-essentials..
Stop wasting $
Stop loaning $
Cut back...

And try not to spend what I dont have...

I need an adjustment..

Body and soul.

I will fight through.. kick ass.and survive.

Hugs to those that need and deserve it ...
And a big kick I the ass to those that need it!

Me ..included.. in both!!

R
11/19/15

Changes started..

Change one.
Long time coming.
Quit second job. 13 years 2 months. The hours have been less and less, and I have been tired of having to rush from job 1 to job 2.
A few other things, too.. so  Time to cut the cord and get out, it was not getting any better.

So, for now, no more 'Works' .

Just work.

More...

R
11/18/15

Definitions

Ok.. just to start..."Pipe dream"
Origin
from the fantasies brought about by the smoking of
opium
First Use: 1890

That being said..

The past few days..I have been stressing over a few things.
If it wasnt for my bright spot.. I probably would be miserable.

Thank you.

All in all I can make it work.. and will.. the day to day stresses are what life is all about. I can survive. There is always something a guy can change. Take from here and put there..spend that extra doing more..in the end..it should matter and hopefully it will.

Im not that bad. My life could be so much worse.
I have a home..a job..bills ..responsibilities..and some place to be almost every day.

Not much more to say.. I have made this life I am living..and it is no where it was supposed to be.. not that I ever planned this far ahead..I really wish I had.. maybe things would be a little different.
Probably not.

It is a bit like being trapped in a snare you had created..no point in struggling..you know how good it was built.. and it has no weakness...just you.

Sorry this seems so down..
Cant help it .. the weight of the world seems to be right here.

Time to rethink and make more changes.

I cannot rely on things to get better by themselves.. isnt gonna happen. Never does..needs a push ot shove..or just run the other way..and start in a little different direction.

Been done before.

Things to think about..

Hmmm

R11/15/15

November 2015

Here we are.
I am where I am.
I must make a plan for going forward.
Lots of options..
Some things are attainable... some may just be a pipe dream.
(Not even sure what that saying means... I will have to look it up)

As usual..an uneventful saturday has come and gone.

I am just me. I have changed some over the years..but basically I am much the same.

I really wish I knew the direction I need to persue..
I am not wandering..I am proceeding..I just dont know where I am going. I used to have a goal..and it has changed over the years..and I have changed direction many times.. but right now..this instant..I dont know..where my goal is..where it went..
It is kinda odd..this realization..I don't think I have ever ..not had a goal..I dont know when it disappeared.. or even if it was something I did on purpose...
I am sure it was lost in time..and I just didnt realize.

Not really sure what to do about this.
Creating a new goal..is not an easy thing.

Well, my mind is swimming.. at the thought..
Wow.

I can keep on doing what I have been..and see if it can help develop a direction..

Drifting on a sea..

R 11/07/15

Rambling...

Ok..that last post was a thought about something.
I cannot say what it was..or why I posted it..
I just did..some thought was in my head..and needed to come out.

I have no idea what I was talking about or trying to comment on..
Something I saw or experienced must have triggered it..

No one said any of this had to be a coherent thought..
Sometimes it is quite simply..a brain dump..a way to clear out the mind.

That being said..

I am here..where I am..and doing what I must.
I am not where I 'want' to be. Mentally or physically.

I will work it out..

R 11/6/15

Yep..

I am.
I cannot say..or claim more.I am not one thàt..
I cant even finish that thought..

I am me.

Try to change that..

Then..I am not what you though...thus not the me .I was...

Before....

Makes...so.much scene


R

Welcome

Hi there.
It is November.
I am here..I am working my ass off. And yet annoyed with all the corporate bs and lack of hours..
We have bill's... we rely on the pay..
If you think the mgrs bonuses are what drives the rest of us peons..you are so out of touch..
As often as you try to force them to see....the less they care about those that make their numbers that make them the money they expect... giving them their bonus....

Meanwhile..those of us..that truly are working, get no responses..

Thanks.. keep cutting my hours...

Something

Is it really something..
Or is it what it is..and we need to make it more than what it is to make it something.

Sometimes we realize what we are in..and doing..sometimes it creeps up on us..and 'boom'..there we are!.

Not always a bad thing..just another learning experience.
Some of those are eye opening..surprising and very enjoyable. We must learn to take the good with the bad.. usually all the bad can be wiped away with a little good.
The GOOD will make a lot of things feel less stressful. The things that hurt more bearable.
And much of life liveable.

R 10/30/15

Today

Today. ..was a day..another in a few to come.
Im not sad, mad, jumping for joy, or any of that..
As aways..im busy... working..hoping..trying to make the correct decisions..trying not hurt anyone.. especially the ones I love.

This life makes that a challenge. Im lonely.. and not alone..
I am loved and I love..
I am happy..and I hurt...
I survive.. I do what I need to, I have to keep on..and will...no chance to give up..
I can't..I know what I should do..and as we all.. struggle with what I have to do. I am not aim-less...
I know what I want..I know what I need..
I just have to go and get all that.

I am too old to have to work so hard for what I know..but I dont give up... and know Nothing is given..it all has to be fought for.

The right person will know this..
We all have had to restructure our ideas of how our lives ended up..and life and death..is a reality..but those that survive..need to know..
Pardon the cliche.. life goes on.

At some point.. we have to be for us..

We have so much to offer..and if you look and see.. we are not that bad..after all.

We are kind. .and desireable...and have earned every grey hair. We are just what we are supposed to be.

Take me or go away

No... just take me.. you really dont have a choice.. .


R 10/28/15

Appreciation

I appreciate you...
Not a statement the average person hears.. (enough)
I did hear this today. It made me smile.

I do not hear it enough from where I put the most effort..
( I get it from the person I enjoy being there for)
In most cases .. it is deserved but not given..it is perceived to be understood..'I pay you ..and you are doing what is expected of you..why should I praise you for doing what I hired you for? '
Probably. .because..I do what I am supposed to do..not like all the others you hired to do the same..that do as little as possible and get the same as I do..when I am doing more..because I feel I should... not skate through. .
It is annoying and frustrating. .and an attitude killer..

But.. I will continue..because I dont think its fair to do a half-ass job.

R 10/25/15.

Ps....
You! >... 143!

Chat

It is so nice to be able to 'chat' with someone who gets you.
Serious talks..about life the universe and everything.
Especially those talks that clear the air and make things all right again.
Times are tough and each one of us have things we are coping with and to be able to share the load and lessen the weight, is why we need and have friends.
Some friends are closer than others..as it should be. We need close friends..people in our lives that make us feel good. And keep the smile on our faces and the light in our heart.

Thank you for being my friend!

I hope I am the friend you need..as well.
I live to help my friends..I get satisfaction that cannot be measured from wiping away the tears and putting that smile back on a beautiful face.
Giving that needed hug..and sharing the warmth.

Life is complicated... never easy..sometimes we make it more difficult than it needs to be..sometimes we over simplify..

It wont be easy..it isnt supposed to be..otherwise it would never be eventful..you would take the good for granted and never see the fantastic.. with struggle...pain..heartbreak..and the like, the good isnt remarkable..but verses the struggles, the good is great..and the fantastic so much more than every day.. stellar!

I see the fantastic in you.. and hope you do too.
(Getting personally specific)
You have endured so much. And you continue. You do what you have to, you get through the next thing..many would have given up.
But you realize you have a job to do still and you are doing it..by yourself and doing it well.
You deserve much happiness and joy. You are worthy.
(Personally specific ..end)

I cannot do much.. I wish I could fix everything..
I struggle like everyone.
The past few months have been a challenge. .I accept..I will prevail.
Financials..can be over come..I will figure it out.
I know I need to make changes and have been doing what I can.
Time for once is not the enemy. .I will figure this minor inconvenience out and make it work.

Well.. I can only say..
143!
Thanks for listening..
R 10/19/15

Nevermind

Nothing

Out of control

Here I am..

I no longer feel I am in control of my life.
It is spiraling away from me.
I thought it was headed one way.. but as always..

I was wrong.

Also, as always..I have no idea where I turned wrong.
No going back..no do overs..
Live with it.. try and figure it out.
Its what I do..usually too late.

Don't mess this up..

The 3 .. is gone.. I made my choices..and it may have bit me in the ass.

I have friends.

Just friends.

And a cat.

(Line deleted)

!

R 10/18/15

This is blank

My thoughts didnt spill onto my keyboard....

October 2015

October is one of those months.
End of the summer..beginning of fall..not cold not warm.
And always seems to be one of those 'busy' months.

October is the month my parents were married.
It has a lot of meaning in my life.
If I stop and think about it ..
Usually im too busy..but sometimes I can..

Both of my parents are gone. And I remember growing up and how October was an important month..one wher we could celebrate my parents anniversary.. one of the few allowed days to celebrate as a family.

But ..marriage was one of those that you always celebrated.. the blessings of a union..between two people that needed to be together.

I was taught to understand and appreciate the fact that marriage was a holy thing..sanctioned by god..and something to be celebrated!

I believe the bond created by two people is that sacred thing and becomes that thing to be celebrated.

Love in all its forms is a beautiful thing.
If you can experience love..given and received..experienced...felt.
You are blessed.

Real love is forever.

If you have ever experienced REAL love..you know it..and you are very lucky.
If you know love..
Any kind of love, I think you are lucky.. it allows us to .. give love..share it with others.

As humans.. we need to feel loved.

Love..fuels us..makes us do things we would not think of...
Helps us create..experience. .and live..

I believe we would be nothing without it.

That..in it self being said..
To be able to share love..
Feel love..
Give love..
Is what makes us ..
And helps us wake up and continue..

To those that have shared their love with me..and allowed me to share my love.

Thank you!

R
10/16/15

Long ... time

Ok..it has been a while since my last post..
Work..
Sleep..
And other important obligations have got in my way...

And maybe a lack of alteration influences ..

Yes.. I do love you..
You know this...
If you don't. .

I L O V E Y O U !

Nothing I can do about it. Period!

No one can understand how much I get it.
I know where you are..and have been.
I cannot expect to ever consider filling what you had.
Never my intention.
I am building a different experience.
I am trying to fill the gap between.

I want and know..what I can be..to someone that appreciates who I am and can be.
I am not a replacement.. never would even try...
I am ... can be .. a way to be ... happy...
Not to forget..but to... continue ...
Because you have a lot to do.. In the years to come.
You are young and beautiful. .and have lots left to do..
You should not have to do it alone..
Yes..your gift to this world is begining..
And will someday need a person to help mold that next next generation..your job.. your input..your love and experience..from the non-mom perspective. .
You know its there..
And not far off... a few years..
Your experiences have value to those of the future..
And it has more value than you know..
Even before..
You have lessons to teach..and experience to share.. from Mom to daughter to ...
Future.....

It is coming..

All said..

Just know.. I do..love you..

Now..and always..

R

10/08/15

Hullo

I am smiling.
Those that know me.. know why.

I am loved...
I love..

It makes me SMILE.
I know my heart..it never deceives me..
If it is doing somersaults everytime we talk..and puts that smile on my face when I feel low..I cannot ...would not deny.. how I feel.

If I could have you next to me all the time ... I would not need much else.
Just spending time .. hearing your voice..hearing you do your day to day...makes me smile..
I wish I could be there physically, experiencing in person all that is your day to day..
Even the quiet times make me happy..just hearing ..being there with you..even long distance..makes me feel good.

Of course..having you close would be better..much better..but I can be ok with the current ..

Always hoping for the moment when..we can touch..
On every level..
Just to be able to hold you tight.
To lay next to you..and feel the softness of your skin..
And the beating of your heart..
The warmth ..

I do ..
I will..
I am..
You are..

143!!!

R 9/23/15. 1:03a

This week

All things considered it was a good weekend after a rough week.

Thank you my friend, for taking me away from the stress of my day to day.
For making my weekend fun.

Sleep was still fleeting..but I did sleep.. the awake time was never spent alone.
Even the time spent while you were 'relaxed' was fun and informative.
I enjoyed helping it was fun.

The week begins again..and we will need to do our jobs once again and we will have contact to keep us happy.

Thank you for keeping ISTBA at bay.

You make me smile..

143
R 9/21/15

Tired

Ok..a 40 hour day.. not week.. day!
I survived. I refrained from going off on anyone.
And was still..somewhat tolerable.
Stress was high.. and had little time for being lonely.

But my friend has been there for me. I am grateful..
My sanity thanks you..as well as my insanity. . You do things for my psyche that I cannot explain.. it just leaves me smiling.

I will finally get to sleep and recover from the past days works..
An I know you have listned to me rant and been there for me.
When I needed it..and always leave me something go smile for.

I lost my thought..but..will end here.

You know how I feel..and will be.

143

R 9/18/15

Hullo

Another long day. And I missed contact by maybe 1 hr.. :(
Long and busy days.. wear us out.
Works are in full stride..demands and obligations.. and get ready for the next day.
Tomorrow is expected to be busy..and will be.. I will rise to the challenge... the next couple weekends may require added attention.
So much for work..

Yes.. I am sorry I missed you tonight..
No.. I am never ever annoyed with your effort to contact me.. I love it..need it..and hope it never changes..

Nudge me..and say hi.. 10 yrs from now..and I will smile!

The month is more than half over..and I dont know where it went..
Been busy...and not..its strange..it seems like ive got nothing done..but have done so much.. but as always wish I could have done more.

No .. not a perfectionist.. just driven to reach a point ..
Not really sure what that point is or should be..but moving towards it..

T&D.

You two need to stop listening to him.. ISTBA

He will turn you against me.. and make things harder..

Had to be said.. a warning. T&D are supposed to work with me..
I can give them the attention they need and make it a useful happy thing.

Time passes and things can grow..and get better.
Distances can be the challenge to overcome and celebrate when they are traveled..and enjoyed.

So they are not bad on their own.. but combine them..and it can make things a little difficult.

Im not looking for difficult. . I need comfortable and nice ..

Working on it..

R 9/17/15

No idea

Ok.. no idea of a title or topic..
Other than financials..and work stress and lonelyness..
I have nothing to center on..
I am not estatic..but definatly not unhappy.
The few things keeping me from beaming 24/7 are already addressed..
Time..and distance...
And being busier than ever..at work..
I have you...and you make my day worthwhile..I can get stuff done and expect to talk or text at the right time..exactly when I need it.
And those unexpected comments or pokes..make me happy..
I hope I do the same.
I know you (and me) can get caught up in the day to day..the memories the requirements.. and temprorarily forget that someone is there to help us along and put it all back in perspective..
How little that 'thing' really matters..and you mean so much more than that..and how loved you are and how much love you give..and how that matters more than most of what you were worried about..

I can only thank you .. for existing.. for being the soul you are..and hope I do as much for you as you do for me.

You do so much for me..my ego..my self worth..
To hear your voice..always brightens my day..my mood....

You are so special..to everyone that knows you and especially me...

Thank you.

For letting me In.. and letting me know you.

143!

:)

R 9/16/15

September

Hello September 2015.
Well a bit late for greetings.
But, time has been moving swiftly...
Like rocks through cold molasses. ....
Well..sometimes hot rocks...

I was hoping to figure out where I should be with my finances and should have already been able to bank what I need to continue. .but im not being patient enough..
This is something I have done before and came out on top.. including the ocassional emergency pay out..
I was just figured I had a better handle on it ..and its taking more time than I figured..but it isnt bad..just not as quick as I thought.

Now I have reason to ...need ..If that is the right word.. to have a better grip on the flow of money..
I make good money..and am really good at making bills.. and paying for that which sneaks up.
But.. life and living it is way more important than having to stress over how to pay for it..
I have options..and just need to select the right one to make things happen.

Sorry.. I hate to bitch about money.. it isnt as bad as it sounds.
I am more comfortable than I have ever been. I should not be paid for most of what I do..because I love it so much.. but.. I live within my means.. or just a fraction above.. ..for the challenge..
I could do as much with less and remember having to do that..
And could if I needed to..just there is no point. .
Here I am..
Doing the day to day..and need to remember I am very lucky..and need to appreciate all I have and know .. cause with out it ... I would be pointless. .

Thank you to everyone in my life and those that have left..because .
I am who I am because of all of you..

R 9/13/15

So there..

For you.. My 'friend'..
ISTBA
Na nan na..Nan na.. ( add a rasberry and thumbs to the side of the head and wiggly fingers)
So.. there !!!!

Not much you can do to either of us.

So There!

That is all I can say.
I will be nice.. just because.

Moving on..

I am in good spirits.
Im not perfect..
Perfect would be closer and less bills and more time to spend where and with whom I want / need to be.
But I am not gonna complain.. much..

Works still dont get it.. its not that difficult.
Not much has changed in the last 13 yrs..
But .. what ever..

Yes, I am happy. Not perfect.. that whole time and distance thingy..
But .. I am happy!

I can figure most things out.. given a little time.. I have things to accomplish... and then will make my way.

Time can be an enemy.. and sometimes a friend..
If given a chance..

I will let it do its magic until it gets in my way.. then it is on!

Children have to grow up..and that takes time.
Time needs to pass..sure we get older..but sometimes that isnt a bad thing.

As responsibilities pass to the next generation we are to allow them to carry on..and we must find our happiness. .. or continue our own..
If we are lucky enough.

I am glad I am.

So.. here it is... lets enjoy it.

R 9/7/15

Time and distance

This where I am.
In my head..rattling around.
Making sense of my thoughts and stresses..
I wont hold back. This isnt a place for that.

I spoke my mind and heart today.
I understand the progression of things..
I accept things most cannot.
I feel that it is one of my best features..

I am smart enough to know what I want and what needs to be.
I have always struggled with that..and most time regret being smart.

I said before.. time and distance is my enemy.
I will have to figure out a way to fix that.

Still I do not regret what I have been saying..or doing.
I have thought about these possibilities for a long time.
Weighed the many different ways this can be. As I said..I think this new thing has to happen. Because of many things..but most of all the things I said..and thought about.

Do not get me wrong..I am hooked.. totally smitten.. complete.
The thoughts of a future makes me smile from ear to ear.
But until I can fix the issues keeping this from developing beyond what it has become.. I must be able to let go of the things in my head and be the person needed.. the more than friend..friend.

I am not saying I have to..but I should. If I care as much as I say..I must let this be what it is..and not be selfish.

Yes, the things we talked about at lunch, made sense.. and was sort of expected.. you can capture anyones eye who is paying attention..
I have been saying that since March. You just have to see what it is..and see if you want to go in that direction.

I am Me. What I say is what I mean.

Ive been waiting to see if 'Prince Charming' is sneaking around.. waiting for his chance to do some sweeping..
I am not surprized you have been asked out..and am almost positive it was a setup.. but you have to decide if its time.. or not.
Yes, I will encorage it..if I am your friend..I must. Its natural and inevitable.. I am too far away to try to claim something to be named..and neither of us know of when time will be on our side.

I know you mentioned feeling like a cheater..if you made a decision..

But .. time and distance has made this real and we cannot deny the physical.. or even someone acessable..too many miles to be able to 'feel' the human touch. Cheating does not enter into this yet.

I know a real relationship is much more than the physical..but we are all human..and needs are needs.

Even if that is all it is..satisfying a physical need..
My feelings wont change and if yours do..if you find you have to make room for someone else in your life..I will understand..
It will hurt..and I will not make it difficult.
I will be your friend as I have said all along.

I have said over and over again..
I only want you to be happy..
I cant lie about that..and my happiness is not the issue here.

143!... i mean it and you know that.

I must stop.. I want to say so many other things..
My wants ..my needs ..my desires..but none is fair..to me or you..so I have to put those In a bottle and seal the top.

Time and distance.. (I think ISTBA knows those guys..)

R 9/3/15

Hello there!

Yes... you!
Ok..you have opened the door to my thoughts.
Welcome..
This is me.
This can be a scary, wonderful place.
I put things here mainly for me to read later to see what I was feeling at a point in my life.
For the most part it isnt a dark or harsh place.
It can be a real place. It can be a place of fantasy..or hopes.
It usually is just a place to 'brain dump' ... a place where I purge what is going through my mind.

Yes, I open my heart and mind to the readers of these posts.
But , its not a place of farce or lies..
You have read this year..and it was before I knew I mentioned this place to you..so it isnt planned or designed to skew a perception..
Its just me...

That being said..
And the talk we had before you visited this place...
Here I am....

You know how I feel...
Its really obvious..

Once again .. no pressure.. no agenda.. no advanced planning..
I am..Me.. here I am... you have my full attention.

My love, adoration... my friendship... forever.

I do not know what tomorrow or next week will bring..

I know, you make me happy.
I am happy making you happy.

I cannot change that..I would not want to... who would?

I could say so much..but I know you know. We have talked.
There is no pressure here.
I am content with what we have achieved. .this relationship. .
What it has become.. it has a future...
Again.. no pressure. .
Just know..
I do love you.. I do care how you feel..how you are..
I want nothing more than to be your friend forever.
Everything else is simply icing on the cake.

My expectations are (always have been) low..
ISTBA.is my reality check..he kicks my ass every chance he gets..
And does a good job..reminding me ..I have to work for my happiness. So I do.. I wont give up.
I have my threshhold triggers.. I wont be that guy... the one that wont let go..
Yes, I will agonize over my decisions and results..but I will get over all of it if it goes away..

But, know this.. (I have said it before)
I will never forget..or stop loving you.. you have a piece of my heart.
It is yours..and you own it forever.

What you choose to do with that piece.. is not mine to say..
Its yours.

If you ever need to talk openly with me..do not be afraid.. I am the same person always to you. You own My attention..and I will give it to you.

Yes, I have said similar things to others..and still believe I am the same man now as the one who promised that..so if that ever happens. . You will know why..if someone calls that card from my past.. it is who I am..

You know who most of them are..so it wont be as much a surprize to you as me if they play that card.

But... if you know me at all..you know I will answer that request as best I can..I would do the same for you.

I know from our conversation tonight...you maybe feeling the pressure of the distance.. and the stresses of the present situation.

I want very much for this to continue..for Us..to figure out what we need and where we will end up..

I know its too soon to know what our future is.
You have things going on.. and so do I..
I would like nothing more than to have you in my future....
But... I am willing to see where we go.. together..or not.

As you read in previous posts .. I am here to make you smile...

I love your smile!

So, if we get to that point where I dont make you smile..
Tell me....if I cant fix it, I will step away...

I never want to make you sad..or want you to suffer on my behalf.

All that being said..

I LOVE YOU!

welcome to my mind..and me!

(If this scares you.... lets talk. )

R9/2/2015

143!

Close

As I feel that we are drifting..
I know I am mistaken.
Its good to realize.
ISTBA.. who let you in the room....
I have to understand the changes..
I have been living them in my own life..
I know how it can change you..will change you..
Life goes on..and if you are doing everything right..they will appear to not need you..even if thay do more than ever..
Its about growing up and letting go..so they will hold on tighter as they move on To their new chapters and you are not the most important person In Their life..
But they need you ..they will expect your praise and guidance and show is how much they actually listened to you over the years.
And if you recognize it..you will smile..and be proud and happy..
They will have completed the circle that you started.. as you
Intended..we created them and they grew..we guided them and we lead them to where they are now. Yes they worked for it..but they did it for you and them... in the beginning it was just for you..your praise and hopeful expectations..
And now we get to see them ready to spread their wings and prove themselves. .and we get to be proud.
Allow yourself to be happy...because that is why we are here in the first place..to nurture them to move on..to be our legacy..to reflect on who put them here and be so happy to see them succeed..
That is what we get from it..pride.. accomplishment..
Good job!

R 8/29/15

Day

It is the day they met. It is the day they began.
I cant intrude. I am missing her.
She needs me..I need her.. but I know the emotions that apply supersede me.
I just wish I could ease the pain.
Yes .. selfishly..cause when she is happy, oh boy! She radiates.. and projects her happiness...
She is beautiful .. but can make everyone smile when she is happy..
That is why my mission is to keep her happy..
Make her happy... let her be happy...

That task..gives me meaning... purpose. .

To make her smile as much as she makes me smile.. Grin.. would make me one of the happiest men I know.

R 8/27/15.

Absence

It was a nice day..but it was busy.
We texted first thing. And through out the day.
There was bunnies, driving lessons and shopping for tires and rims.
No voice contact.. but all in all a lot of contact.
Wishing I was in my coat...

I need to trust what is and not over think.
It is exactly what it is.

SMILING

Got to save my money..pay my bills and be happy.

143 M
R 8/23/15

All good

I need to stop listening to ISTBA.. he lies..
I think we are good.
I feel we are good.
I feel good.

I need time to figure out how to make this work, better.

She is an angel..bringing me smiles every time we talk.

Smitten.
R 8/22/15

Tonight

Well. ISTBA..has been whispering in my ear again...
Changes in plans.. and lonelyness enters the rooms ..
Doubt and insecurities..
I havw been a schmuck before..
We are miles away and I understand how enabling it can be.
I want..
I need..
I
But here I am...
Alone..
ISTBA!!!!

R 8/22/15

Wrong

Ok.. I was wrong.
I dont have issues admitting that.. but .. just over thinking..
ISTBA.. be quiet..
Stop whispering in my ear..

R 8/22/15

Explanations

This thought just occured to me...
I know some of my friends and family may be unhappy that I didnt stop in and visit when I was around.
I have done a bit of traveling in the past few years.. and only targeted certain people to see and spend time with...
Well its like this..
I travel..and usually have an agenda.. I have people I have to see and want to see and if I am lucky I get to do half of that.
I have places to go and things to do...
But the reality is .. no one excep my oldest brother and his wife has ever ventured out to the dismal reaches of Colorado to even stop in for a minute ( they actually stayed hours) to visit me.
Just a side note.. I always stop to visit him when am in Louisianna.)
I have been a lot of places where I have family..I have even lived a few miles from cousins ...for 4 years.. and never received a visit..
Or an invitation...
It is reciprocal. . You invite Ill invite..you visit ill visit.. ..
Im not going where im not wanted..
I have always had an open door for family and friends..
I do understand..the cost and timing are a factor..
I have been there.. and wont hold it against you..
But dont give me that crap after you brag about your trip to europe...
I am too old to be putting up with this stuff and carrying that baggage.
I have friends that are always happy to see me when I come..and sometimes that is what matters most.
Just need to vent..
I would understand if I lived in the armpit of the world... but I have always tried to provide a nice environment for my family and myself.
I have lived in 'colorful Colorado' for years.more than 10..and the only people that have come to visit (except D & L) have been people I have either paid their way or dragged them here..
Sad.. just sad.
R 8/18/15

Back?

Been a long week and weekend.
I missed her much.
We texted and talked on and off..more than I thought we would.
All was nice. More would have been better.
I am thoroughly hooked. But not real sure. If I am wearing off.
I know its ISTBA whispering in my ear.
And doubt creeps in after that.
Tonight was nice.. D didnt seem to care that we were talking.
We did stay on the phone for a couple hrs. So maybe im just over thinking ... ya think?
Things to do and get done..
Maybe time soon.

I will see..
R 8/17/15.

Out in back..

Out on my patio. Sunday night. Longish day. Missing the contact..
Called into work from noon to 7. Late dinner. Decided to have a fire..of course after I got it started..it rained.. got windy..and after I put out the fire..it stopped.
I just read the last few posts..
Not much to say. Its interesting .. truthful.. and enlightening. .to be able to look back..see the choices and misread thoughts and the things I was spot on..
Yes, im 'IN', but for how long.
I see what is going on around me..and away from me and think.
I know what ive pushed away.. and sometimes regret it.
I did what I needed to do.
I am happy my friendship is more than it could be.
I dont know what to do next. I have to recover from my expenses. And I think it will take a couple months..to get back on track.
Then we will see what to do next.
- interruption--- long distance phone call. Left me grinning ! -
So I am thinking a visit here is next.. even just a weekend..
But things need to get done.. events need to happen.
Things scheduled. So prob in a month or two. By then who knows if it will be more than a weekend.. maybe I could go back for a few days after or even before.. hmmm .. have to think about that.

I am feeling better..after hearing your voice.. not so lonely...

Ty!
143!
Sweet dreams.
R 8/9/15

Week off

Wow.. I dont know if I can handle a week without contact.
She is up..way up in the north..not much cell or wifi. She has a big job ahead.. cleaning out a home..memories.. and such..but we are at limited connectity..and this the first time in months that we have been out of touch..
I am missing her..and her voice..
Being 2100 miles away..is that much harder...
Miss you.. Miss one...

R 8/7/15

4500 miles

Or more..
I am back home from my road trip.
It all went well. Missing my friends already. But keeping time.
Already planning the next visit..
I have created a friendship and it can go many ways.
Time and distance are what I need to overcome.
I thought more would play into it but it seems that only 1 important person is resistant. Time may help.. it may not matter. I will have to see.
I know I have made a difference..so if this is all it will ever be, it could be enough. I have helped a friend.
If it becomes more..it will be good for both of us.
I am hopefully optimistic.
I like what we have become. We are still cautious. .and are trying not to move too fast and trying not to hurt each other.
It is working so far..but I think we may be trying not to push the other..when a push is what we need..
Its too early for commitment and 'naming' , but.. it is also been long enough to know how we feel.. but not pushing..
There are issues.. and we can see how to fix those.
Distance is the one that may take a little time to overcome.

Like I said..optimistic.

R 8/1/15

Vacation 2015

I am on vacation.
I have driven 2100 miles.
I have spent as little as possible.
I have started with a great weekend
I have sat by the pool.
I have a sunburn.
I have walked beside the water.
I have eaten good seafood.
I have walked on the beach.
I am just getting started!
R 7/19/15

1day

One more day.
I dont think I have completed what needs to be done.
But, I am going on vacation..tomorrow. after works.
Driving out of town.
Getting away from here.
Plans have been made.
Not sure if anything will work the way I envisioned. .but I will make sure I have a good time.
I need this time away.
I have expectations and they have changed.
But..I have little $ and will make the best of it.
I have people to see..hugs to redeem..love to give.

I will see people I miss and rekindle flames..
Maybe try to ignite one as well.

But the drive is what I need.. music and the road..some sun and beach time.. and seafood.

Kisses and hugs to those that need it.. and share the love.

R 7/15/15

Counting down

I am counting down the hours...
Not really..but its coming soon.
Vacation
Driving..and thought.relaxation.. thought. .
A visit..and more.
Not sure if ive messed it up..probably have.
Thats what I get for doing what I thought I was supposed to.
We will see..
I have little advanced planning..and that may be the part that falls down.
As always..
We will see.

R 7/10/15

Moving forward

Lodging secured.. rented and free.
Minor obligations..
Timing will work..not perfect.. but will work.
I have the time off..and the plan to go stay and come.
I will make the best I can of the situation...s..
I am anxious..and ready.
I think my 'friends' or more than friends will make the trip all that it should be.
Many conversations and plans.. in my head and spoken. .
It will be worth it .
I have paid off my car and big card..and deleted a big payment..
Court is pending..obligations are done.
Still waiting on that outcome..
But paid up and worked out.
Time..
I think it will work out..all of it..
Some required connections some deserved..some waited for.
I believe I have restored happiness to one of the lost. And to my benefit. I am happy..even if it goes no further.. even if the contact ends..or stayels as it has been.. or diminishes.. it will be something I remember fondly.
I cannot discount the feelings that have come from this.. and do not wish to.
I m happier than I have been in ages. And am so glad to be able to share it.

Planning. .and fun and destressing.. 15 days..
143..to you..
Smiles and hugs arround!

R 6/30/2915

More later

So I am in the advanced planning stage..
I have inquired about lodging..got approval to take the time from the night job. Formulated a plan of action..requested the presence of a companion.. explained to my obligations.. and planned to terminate my requirements.
I am almost ready.
I want and I need..
If I get half as much..I will not stop grinning.

Need to end..
R 6/19/2015

Update for 'next day'

I see I was jumping to soon.
Looks like the friend is still awaiting my return.
Good so far.. still have to explain myself to both.
I hope it wont ruin it all.
Things are in motion. .planning and dates..
Lodging..and finances.

More later

7/18/15

Days

This is one of those..
I did not get my needed exposure. A little was not enough.
I did my chef impression..my patience impression. And my delivery driver / tire mechanic.. tire repair.. and after this long day..I needed to unwind.
So here I am..
R 6/15/15

I am ready...

I am ready....
For a real relationship.
For a companion that I appreciate and appreciates me.
For the chance of happiness..both received and given..or shared.
For time and distance not to matter.
aFor a synergy that trancends all.
For playful teasing and serious conversation..
For mutual respect and understanding.
For true friendship..and love.
For whatever life throws at either..support and understanding, compasion.. love...
For the ability to work past the negativity of the rest..
For the chance to make it what it can be.

I must apologize for the grief that may come from those that cannot understand how this could happen.

It was not intentional..and not planned..it just happened..
I personally am happy it did.. unintentional. .but solid..and happy.
It seemed like it could not be helped.. it just is.
She is happy...
I am happy..
It can get better...
It could go bad..but..I wont let it if it tries.
I am in love..no denying it.

ISTBA.. give me a chance.

143.

Time and distance is my enemy...
But..after my life..you both owe me..

Let.me.be happy!

Doing ok

Well.. here I am.
Amazed and a bit confused.
I strived to console a friend over her loss.
I was even asked to help by her sister my ancient ex.
I did.. I did care before. And care more as time has gone by..
We talked and I consoled, I made sure another beautiful person new that they mattered..and could be whole again.
Friendship evolved.
First for her..then for me.
We both avoided it..then it was apparent..and she expressed how she felt. I came clean.. and we opened up to each other.
It has snowballed and we are happy.
There is the 'vulture' element..and some important person has issues.. apparently towards me..
Not what I want.
Other family and friends seem to see the good of it all.
I am worried that it will be a deal breaker..
Im surely if I would end it to keep from driving a wedge between them. Not what I want.
They need each other and my hapiness is not that important.
ITSBA is my friend in times of need.

R
6/8/15

Continuing...

Yes.. it continues.
I am happy as I can be ..so far away..
I have plans for a visit.
I will enjoy my time traveling..and staying put..for a short time.
Details are not firm, I need to plan..and wait.
I have things to do.
Obligations..things I cannot skip.
I will do what I have to..and make it work.
I like where we are and where we are headed..
I accept if it isnt accepted by all ..and really few matter...one or two do ... and I would not do anything if it wasnt ok. It does matter..
I believe it will be ok..
I hope it will be ok..
We will see.

R 6/4/15

Happy

I am.
ISTBA... you may have failed this time.
You have tried your best..and I think with time I will prevail.
M is good for me. And I am good for M .
D will see that this is good.
Learning and growth and understanding will all come with time.
Distance is my foe. And it can be lessened and made to not matter at all. Technology...my friend..my tool..my slave..is helping me. I am taking full advantage of the tools I have at my disposal.

I did not set out to find love, it found me.
I had no agenda...just a simple purpose. .to help a friend with loss and grief... and here I am..happy and accomplished.
The happy is a by-product..and it makes me smile... grin.. infact.
I am so happy to be able to bring light to someone who was so dark and alone.
I did not set out to go beyond a friend..but love sometimes happens when and where you are not looking.
Of course there are issues of going where I should not.
'If I was a friend I should never let this happen...I am taking advanrage..' 'vulture' ... and many other phrases come to mind..
I did love my 'Brother'.. and am sorry he had to leave..
I do love my 'Brothers' family.. I wish I could take away their pain..
I wish I could help them deal with the loss of their husband and father..if it was within my power..I would return him to them.
I miss him too..
But. Death in our lifetime is forever. People need to be allowed to heal..and for the survivors.. the living.. life must go on.. if just to spite Death... we may be able to see them again..in the future..but they would not want us to be miserable..and shut down..and lonely..
They would want us to never forget them..but would want us to be happy..to live our lives..and continue.. to live.
Yes, its sad..and we the living morn the loss...but they are free of this life and unless they were selfish and uncaring..would want us to continue..be happy..and LIVE..
It is not bad that we can move on and continue and love again..
It should be that way..
That is why we learn about relationships...when we are young..the pain the loss.. the feeling that we cannot continue without that last love... and then we grow..and realize.. it is not the end for us..we grow and learn to deal with the loss...and another comes into our life and we can be happy again.. it is preparing us for real life..
We lose our loved ones..grand parents..parents.. loves... sometimes friends and lovers..
We dont live forever yet... and death is a human condition.. the current end of the human condition..but is inevitable..and we the living..'survivors' have to deal with it..and continue..in spite of Death. Unfortunately... it is something we deal with more and more as we grow older..and will til we die ourselves.
We will loose friend and family..and people we care about and look up to..
You can learn to not feel..but we must..it adds meaning to our existance..why we do what we must..day to day..
If we never hurt or feel pain..we would not know happiness. .
You must have the dark to appreciate the light.

Lots of cliches..but. all true.

I am feeling the glow of someone I love..from 2000+ miles.. and I know they love me..and it feels fantastic..

Time and distance will either be our friend or our enemy..but
We will see.
But for now.. this time..and in this place..

I am HAPPY!

ISTBA..I do not need your help..
Please..let me be..
I will owe you..
..

6/2/2015
.

Next day..

I didnt get to finish last night..had to publish and shut down..

I am almost sure one of the others. .that I was forgetting..because of the mixed signals..has moved to 'friend' status..

Not sure if thats my choice or hers...

Its ok.
We make good friends .

So now the question is do I try to explain to both that since we are still long dist friends with possibilities. .that I will be seeing both when I visit..
Im thinking I need to wait and see..

But for now..its long distance. .and easy.

More later...
R 5/16/15

When you have 1...

You have 3..when you have none..no one wants you.
I used to say that in High School.
Still true today.
ISTBA
so.. I thought I was headed down a road.. but got sidetracked..
I needed to pay my respects..and found that the distress was real and overwhelming.
I was asked to help..to prevent a tragedy..
So I did..what I should..made a nuisance and found that it wasnt..
It helped..and became more..
I thought I was being an anchor..but Instead..I was the raft.. and there was room for 2.
I found a new renewed updated friendship.
It started to grow.
My other was slowing..and not sure if it was me or them..or both..
Its still there..but not as I originally saw..
But I still need to go see..I will probably loose both..
And the other here will be done and ISTBA and I will sit and have a beer and say..WTF....
I see where each can go..im not unaware that it can go bad..
I only hope its not hurtful to any..and if it dont go. Or goes one way..that we stay friends.
I am a friend first.. and if I can get a partner out of it..
R 5/15/15

What should I do?

I am in the middle.
Like I used to say I High School..
When you got 1 ..you got 3..
When no one wants you.. you have none.

ISTBA..
what have you done?

It looks like I have 3...
No issue.. but ..I dont know what is real.. and what is in my head.
I have the one ..I cant be with.. but still wants ..
I have the one I re-met.. and all was good... and since I left has been better..
I have the one I consoled..and found have much in common..
And time is moving with me ..not against..me..
As time adds.. we find more.. and more..
But, issues..are there..distance..
Family and friends will not approve..and reality..
May be im just the guy to remind her .. that.. she is alive..
All good..better than thinking she isnt.. and life is over..

The other..is complete..and dont need me..but has decided that she wants me sort of in it..
But..time has proven to be on our side.. she has baggage and history..and If I want in.. I can find a place... maybe.

We are not lovers..either..but could be.. maybe....

Play it through...
ISTBA..I know you will burn me in the end..
So I wont blame you.. just me..

R 5/13/15

Hello again

Weekend..
ISTBA is in the house.
Minor weirdness. .. earlier this week.
Asked for a hug.. and delivered..listened..and went back to work.
Then a few texts ..
A little info.. I didnt need to hear.
And back to being alone.

Have a steak and a drink..and carry on.

R 5/8/15

Wow

Hello May!
Been a day.
Got a call... needed a hug..and provided it..an ear..a hug..
Support.. and such..

But its time to move to the next..
Even if its ... no where..or no one.

R 5/6/15

Confusion and long distance

Yes, I am confused.
Why..after all this time, are the ones from my past, telling me now that they want me... or wanted me..
And the door is open.. but im 2000 miles away..
Well.. its more than one..and it isnt just my imagination.
And thanks to ISTBA..I am alone and single...
Something wrong with this..

I love you all
We could be happy..
I could be happy...
But .. I am sure it isnt to be...
At least not for me..
I would not be allowed...
ISTBA... thanks...

Here

Yep.. I am here.
Just me and all the rest of these people I dont know.
Slow then filled up..
But it is 12..and I wont make it much more.
I was up early and had a full day and night.. and now i am sleepy.
I should finish and go home.

Yay..
I hate being single.

ISTBA.

4/26/2015

End of april

Busy.
The word of the month.
I have made some new friends.. and woke some old friends..and pushed one or two away.. at least to arms lenght....
Still comfortable..but not as 'cozy' as before..
I realize I have few .. and need to keep what I have.. but I am not young any more..and need to stop being what people want me to be..and be me.. take me or leave me.. I am what I am..
Dedicated... loyal.. driven.. responsible. . And me.
Dont try to change what I am... it was what you liked about me..

R 4/25/15

Abbreviated

Last nights post was abbreviated.
Had to save and shut off.
It appears that it was something..to everyone else.
So ..im gonna have to work harder.

There was a conversation about S seeming to be different.
And J could tell she must want me..
I played dumb.
Then on leaving.. K said 'we have to talk'...
Ended up that she wanted to know what was up..but after explanations.. was happy with my 'results'..
High 5's around...

Really..

I am ashamed.

But, it ends with..
The feeling that I am not there yet.. just buddies.

R 4/22/15

Change

Not sure if its a change.. or more of the same.
I get that your out of work..and will accept that someone will pay.
I know you have to conserve what you have and make it last.
Im good with all that.
I cannot do much more..
It does not mean I am done with my responsibilities..
I am still busy..and that means...
Not for u..
We are not back..
But ..
Im not a dweeb..
I need to finish what I am doing..and move on.

R
4/21/2015

Saturday

Stuff to do.. student pickup. Laundry, groceries..dinner.. radio work..
And went over to setup the new computer. Hints about staying in.. then something about a cheeseburger. .
I needed a shower, so I left.

Here I am.
Listening. .and ready to go home and sleep.

R 4/12/15

Thats what I thought.

BC.
That is all.
I can deal.
We still care.
But nothings changed.
Im still working beaucoup hours..
Still have works.. kid and stuff to get done day to day.
It wont work.. but..'im not a dweeb.. just a sucka with low self esteem'.. (Outcast)..
All good.. had a good time.
R 4/7/15

April.. fool

Am I?
Or not.
I have no idea. I am trying to be ... me.
I think I can and will keep on..

I have old friends that want me around..
I have works..
And I need to be something I wont regret.

I will see..
And where it will take me..

I have friends that are going thru so much..but dont have true friends to help and support..
But .. I need to help..cause I care.
I will do what I can.

Yes..

R 4/3/15

What to do next

Work..work..gwork..
One thing.. getting stuff done..
Other thing.. lonely as hell

I did convince L to go back to school.. so now
Im coming home to an empty house.

Got some options..but not looking to mess anything up.

Hoping ISTBA isnt watching.

We will see.

Ok then.

Sitting here being annoyed.
Got stuff on my mind.
No one to talk to.
Some good ..some bad..
Well not so good.
Works..
Life..
Etc.

Well got the second work figured...spoke to the gm..and verified im good.

First work.. busy.. and ok.
Tomorrow is the first meeting...
Got a lil to discuss.
Gonna hear everyone...and feed them.
The least I can do.

Got to find out the process for interviews.. and start.

Been listening to ISTBAs bad advice.
Not sure if its helping or hurting.

Got a long dist thing I would like to cultivate..i dont know if its working...or even a thing.

But ISTBA.. is there..

J is talking..but not about much.

Dont know where that will be going..

We will see..as ISTBA..whispers in my ear...
Welcome to April
R
3/31/15

Moving

Mentally..not physically.
It is not an easy thing.
Endings..
If chosen, forced, voulentary,..or it just happens naturally.
Never easy to get used to.
I will survive.
Not that somtimes it hurts.. even when its needed.
But.. life goes on..and you are soon forgotten.
Replaced..
Nullified..
And you continue..just add another scar.. that heals..like all other wounds.. it makes you second guess the next one that wants a piece of your heart..and then its tougher for you and them.
Its unfair..that you will allow yourself to care..and it ends up hurting..you and the next...
Making it harder for you to trust the next one..and making it bad before it gets started...and the cycle continues.. just to be alone again.
Not much anyone can do..
Maybe..someone who knows..and has been there will come into your life and you both will forget all about what ever it was..

Got to hope... and keep on..

R3/28/15

Back from my trip

Ok.. spoke what needed to be said..
Broke it off... backed away.. ISTBA.. holding my hand..
I know the results..
I will be.. she wont be for long.
I have responsibilites. .that I cannot shirk.. but I will do what I must.. my happiness is still secondary.
I have to encorage my L do do what she needs to do.
Grow up..learn responsibility.. begin to be an adult..
I know she will if I let her.. and if I push her just a little.
She is intelligent and will figure it out.

Meanwhile ISTBA..is keeping me busy and alone.
I have works and enought to do.

R
3/24/2015

Waiting

Probably a mistake.
I am waiting by her car. Hoping to get a chance to talk to her.
I already know the answers..I just want to be sure.
I hate not knowing.
I am usually wrong about most things.. but confirmation would be nice.
And maybe a chance to salvage a friendship.

It can be over..if need be.. but I dont want it to be.

Maybe im just not free enough to let this happen.
Too many years of old baggage.

Of ourse once I figure we are comfortable. .I am wrong.
ISTBA.. you trickster...

I knew better than to allow my self to get attached. But that is probably why.. I just took too long.

Roger... you just suck.

R
3/16/15

Misery

Like I just said..
Sorry I didnt know I was making you live in misery. That was never my intention.

I have so much going on right now.. I really tried to make this work. But .. you decided to become unavailable. . I guess to show me what its like.
Yes it hurts. And as you have pulled further and further away.. I just hurt more.. and wondered what I did..and when.

It does not seem that it is meant to be more than friendship.
We both have busy lives..and as I see can be made busier.

Timing was never an easy thing for me. And dealing w L and works and promotions and bills..and responsibilities. . And a girlfriend I guess is just too much for me.

R 3/16/15

Is it time..has it run out?

Bad week.
Havent seen her since Monday.
Texted a bit about not much. Then less and less.
A good morning with a delayed response.. then a how was your day response.. by wed.. nothing.. then questions about car troubles.. and then no response to are you still up.. 2 days later.. a short conversation ..
Today.. not there at 10.. texted at 12.. got a response 4hrs later.. and then asked if she was mad at me.. 2 1/2 hrs later.. the ans was no..
Why? .
I responded she seems to be distant toward me...
Got no response..still.. 5 hrs later...
I feel like im not important to her anymore...

ISTBA.. you bastard..

R
3/15/15

What did I do?

Says it all.
Dont know.
Maybe I do...
Its not a us thing..
But.. we dont have .any us things..
I guess that is what it is..

My bad..
You have your thing.. seperate from me..
But that was ok..
Now ... not so sure..
I think ive..? Messed up..

ISTBA..
Of course I have...
Thats what I do.
Mess up whats getting good what works...

R

March

Well this is March.
Stuff is happening...
Promoted.. raise..
3x more to do...
Stress.....
Conflict....
Decisions...

Works are still crazy..and I am dealing.

Going to a reunion .. for a weekend trip... leave fri night and back Mon night..

Got to..or someone will get hurt.

Working the last 25 or so days.. straight.. some times just one or the other...most times both..
Not eating. .not sleeping..
Fighting a head cold..and trying not to kill anyone..

Mortgage is in limbo.. day 10..no indication of a bill from the New loan holder.. said give it 30 days..... yikes..

I am considering.. and may regret ..but may not...
Dog.
Time has made this happen...
Life gets in the way..

Shut it.. ISTBA...

R
3/10/15

Realization

Well... I just now realized something...
When I was growing up.. I always made friends thet were oldr than me...in schools I was always younger than those in my classes.
As I have aged.. I have many older friends.. but lately most of the people I know as friends are younger..and I dont notice .. most of the time how much older I really am.
Its scary.. because am I trying to be younger.. or is it really unintentional...

A question.. not sure if I can answer it..

R
03/08/15

Ok..so I over reacted...

I never got to talk about any of it..
Mon we met after works and nothing was said..
I must have been overreacting..and taking it all too seriously..
I guess its my problem to get over..
Nothing has changed. All is the same..
So it must be all in my head.
《Sarcasm is intended》
R
2/25/15

I guess I failed

After thinking about it..
Maybe I am failing the test.
Is that what this is? ..
If so.. what should I do about it?

The scenarios are endless.

Dude you suck at this...
But you keep trying..

I will try again.. later today..
We will see..

Shhhh..
ISTBA. . you are making it hard to think...

R
2/23/15

Really?

This day started ..
I cannot even say ..good..
Wake up call at 4 AM. Simple instructions and back to sleep..
Call at 9:00AM to say due to weather..I dont have any where I need to be..
Great.. ill send a good morning msg.. shovel the drive and go over and shovel out J and ask if she wants to go to breakfast..and spend the day together..
Go over..still no answer to my good morning msg.. shovel out the cars.. and her X drives up.. waits.. texts.. parks and knocks and goes in..
I finish shoveling and clean off her car. And get Into the truck to leave. She sticks her head out the door.. and I wave and leave..
I text.. your welcome.
I say I was gonna ask you to breakfast but I guess you don't t need me for that... because.. he brought breakfast. ..
After explaining my attitude..
I said ..if you want to talk.. let me know when he leaves..
Perfect phrase.. he did his laundry and had dinner and passed out on the couch.. still there..at 10 PM. .. apparently a boyfriend that needs to talk.. needs to see you.. isnt as important as a X that called you a dirty whore.. and other things...
I explained I dont like feeling this way.... because they hurt.. and am angry..and confused...
But I am ignored.. and put off...
I dont see..
Im gonna be busy..for the next week.. really busy.. and dont think we will get much chance to talk..
Ouch.. I hurt..
I dont know what I should do..
How I should react..
Damn this hurts.

ISTBA.. where have you been? I see you over there.

Now I need to figure out what to do next..or how I should proceed.

I just dont know.

Damn it A, you may have been right.

R
2/22/2015

Hi there. 2015

Hi.
2015.. its been an interesting start.
I am learning to be less stressed...about this relationship.
I need to trust more.
So far all I have seen has been good. I know with a hot girl I should expect the hounds..I need to trust the woman that loves me. And know the hounds will be denied.
No need to be jealous.. she is faithful.
Me..im to busy to be more than that.. I dont need anyone else.
She is hot..sexy and mine..
ISTBA.. Dont mess this up.
I will not be led down the path of doubt..
We are individuals. .we have lives and responsibilities. .stuff we need to do..
Respect it.
We have ... Us...
We can make that work and be a good thing.
I need to open up..let the rest filter in to ...me.

It can happen. ...

Work.. go ahead try to kick my butt.. your foot will get sore.!

Lets see where this goes.

R
02/18/15

I was trying..

So.. are you dating? ..
Are we not exclusive?
Was I wrong in thinking that.
You are still texting the guy from January. . And not available. .
Avoiding me..so it seems.. but.. not letting go..
Hmmmm..
Now a concert with no notice or indication.. sure I was busy with the most hectic day of days today..but you would never know that...
I know you dont need me..but do you still want me?
This time..it is not me .. I am trying...
Question is... should I stop?.

R 2/11/15

Do you want out

So..stand me up..
Dont say your going to sleep.. but..all the lights are out..and theres a car in front.. I guess I should have gone in... BS.

R 2/8/15

Well.. I just dont know

I think its slipping away..
I am the one that shouldnt be..
I think I am what you want ..but dont think I want.. or not what you think you deserve..

I am glad you are here.
I dont want to fix what isnt broke.. but..if its broke and I cant fix it..
Why are we here?
I am as a jealous as a guy can be without being a jerk..but.. I think the games have started.. and I wasnt told the rules..
Careful.. you may end up..one of my friends...

R
2/08/15

Wed again..

Got a lot going on..
Got the lowdown..on the weekend.. I guess I will be spending it at home . A few work things but nothing after friday..
Maybe... ill stay home and sleep all weekend....
It's a thought...
Prob won't happen..
I dont see what I can do about it..
And V day is Sat..and she will be in Denver with her grand-kids ...
I guess ill not have to worry..

R
2/4/15

Tuesday again

Tuesday.
Used to be the worst day of the week.. Monday..is the first day after the weekend. Wednesday is the middle..'Hump day' if you wish.. Thursday is the day before Friday... Friday is the end of the work week. Being the day before 'hump day'.. is not much... its a blah day..
I see I am back in busy mode..and so is she.. already had last weekend planned and was un available for most of it and already had saturday planned to be out of town.. maybe we will see each other on friday night after I work both..if she dont go out again with her neighbor...like last week.. I think its slipping away again..

Must be me...
R

Hi!!

Well.. here I am in 2015..
Where am I?
Right now I am here..after having my 4
. . I am at mine having another.. or so.. and not at all sure why im not asleep... besides its 12:23...
I should be home..its Monday....
The weekend was a bust.. except for the SB. but that was alone.. and uneventful .. its Feb..2015.
Am I messing this up?
probably...

ITSTBA. stop being that way .
Stop making it so difficult.

R 2/2/15

Question

Ok... should I be concerned..??
My girl is still on POF..and still is texting her last 2 exes...
????
Yes they are texting her...but she is still keeping it going....
She answèrs them. .am I a fool??.

R

Tomorrow

Yes, tomorrow. . Er. Today.. is going to be busy... and .. beer and vodka later.... lol.
I will survive..

R 1/29/15

Hi there!

Been a while since my last post.
Works have been more than busy.
ISTBA has decided to leave me alone for now .. I revisited what was going off.. and told ISTBA.. to give me a bit.
So it has been good..and I have been making an effort..to not be so busy.
I think that works when I am actually not busy..but when I am. . All bets are off..and now im a Dick.
It isnt that I dont care..its that im doing my best to be responsible... I have to..I have someone that depends on me... and I have the works. ..
What am I supposed to do.. I cant be jealous..

Lol..

Ok... lack of sleep will make you..post stuff that happened a few days ago..and drunk blogging dont make it better or easier... go figure..

Oh yeah!

Well, I am worked to death.. 28 hrs..working..2 hrs sleep after..4 more hours..and then a nights sleep..and repeat..now here it I

Lets see

Ok. I have restarted .
I inquired and asked for forgiveness for letting my life take over.
I said I would not let work take all my time, and MAKE time for her in my life.
I need to survive this week and not screw this up.
I said I would change the way our relationship went and correct it to make it more than it was and try to make it right.

I understand what it is and will allow her to know more of me. That may make or break it.. we will see.. I am really not that great a prize..but she may know better than I.
We
Will see.



R

begin

Last night was interesting to say the least.
I am not sure what my take on it means.

J you have a point, but.. it isnt all what you think.. I do need to help my young adult grow up..
but, she is not the sole reason I am having issues, the rest of my life is not functioning as it should.
Works are difficult to manage and my direction is on pause.

As for the rest of the night, I am as confused as ever. I don't know how to proceed. I think I should wait, just a bit.. and then maybe see if we can talk. I have been thinking I should try a few real dates.
If she is willing, but I think I may be too late, she appears to have a boyfriend, and I need to figure that part out first.

Her statement that 'she wishes there was a place for her in my life..'
I realize it is the thing i need to work on.. but we both have to make room, we both have extremely full lives, and adding someone with all they have can be overwhelming.
It cannot be one sided.. add all of yours to me and accept none of mine, or vice a versa..
I dont have much, but what I have consumes most of my time, partly my own fault.. I allow it to do that so that I will not be stagnant. If I am busy I am not so bored or lonely.. I am but I dont notice as much.

I have plans, and goals, but I have been putting on hold, for whatever excuses I make.

I will have to finish this a little later.. but it is on my mind.

R
1/04/15

Hello 2015

Not sure if I an ready for an end of year summary. But I will give it a shot...
ISTBA is in the house..and keeping tabs on me.
My young adult has chosen to take a quarter off and is back under my roof 24/7.. mostly sleeping and then on the computer the rest of the time.
Ive mentioned that she needs to be helping.. but am waiting for the holidays to be over.. prob my mistake.. but.. planning for next week.

2014 was all it was..and could have been so much more...
I could have enjoyed what I had and made the effort to make it work for her.. but would it be a lie.. I know I could make it work..and be happy..but would it be enough?.

I am not the $400k home type.. my place is simple and within my means.. not looking for that lifestyle.. too old for that.. I have my debt and my mortgages and living expenses.. it would suck to dig a bigger hole and just kill myself trying to fill it back in..scary...

I still have my responsibilities..and my solitude in crowded places..
ISTBA is keeping me company. And never asks me to pay...

I must begin to plan for whats next.. and figure out what I should be doing..

More later..
R 1/2015

2014

Well its the end of 2014.
I am as always me and just me..
I have no other obligations except my monthy bills..and the fact that i must get up the next day and do it all again.
ITSTBA is back and making my life stable..
If you call lonely and aimless stable..
I must do what I do to continue on..
I make purpose out of the things I can...otherwise I am floundering..
But.. what have been there before..and will again.

Happy 2015