End of 12

Well, I am home, no plans.
The person I want to spend this night with is in for the night too. Early plans.
But, agreed to be a designated driver, so will be driving in the beginning of 13.
Ok, will see if I can be a co-pilot..  I would love to spend a couple hours of the new year with you.
Sounds sappy but I would.
But my guess is not.
I also understand that, somewhat.

I hope to move forward this year to come.
I don't want to just exist day to day, I want to see about enjoying being me. I would love to share that, but I knew how to do that in the past, I can figure it again.

This was a full year for me, I didn't expect all that happened, I found a new friend and actually had a girlfriend for a week.
But that changed and still have a close friend.

Work is strange both of them the day job is busy the night job is not but there is change there. There has been a lot going on and I need to ask for that raise. We work too hard and do too much and it has been going on for so long it is expected. They all got bonuses, and we got more work, and longer days and weekends and no compensation, barely a thank you. We did make it possible for them to earn that bounus..

The year is over and I do not know where I stand, I have taken a step back, and dug afew new financial holes, but nothing I can't survive, and just need to continue doing what I do best.
I would love the chance to stop worrying about one part of my life, but I guess I can't really pick what will make my life easier, I just have to work at it all and see what I can make easier.
I will.
I wish this was easier, but it never is.

The living situation is better but the same. Doing what I can as usual, staying out of the way and trying not to enable as I have been told. Been more than a year, and not much has changed.

I have and will continue to take care of L and myself, with or without help. I still have purpose and drive, I will do my best to have a good year.

Happy New Year. 
12/31/12 9:44p 

Still..

Well, its too early for more, but thought id try...  3 drinks in,
And some natchos...
But, been a good day, felt needed, and helpful, and always feel good to be able to help. Tomorrow is another day, and we will see.

I am not stressing the last few and next few days, just taking it as it is, I know it can be more, but resolved to wait. I can do it...
Yes, convincing myself..

But, I got points..
Been there, working on it, on time, right time, and here to help, but not a nusiance.

Don't want it to get old..

Still here, still being me.

See me.

I am just me.

R
12/30/12 12:20a

Hello again...

Ok, been a lil while, on vacation from the main job.
Not doing much.
Hanging around the house, cleaned and dusted, worked on a couple of things that have been waiting for the right moment.
Got a text, asking for info and ended up helping.
I am good for that.. I can help...

Good to see and be seen...
Still busy, and I completely understand.

Just doing the day to day without work.. end of the year..

Yes its coming.. an end of the year summary..

Should be interesting...

Having natchos and absolut...

R
12/29/12 11:41p

Spreading joy

Ok, I feel good inside.
I did a good thing, and was repaid by seeing the happiness.
I may need to be paitent, and keep distance to prevent the thought of repayment, but I did this because I could, and because it made 2 people happy.
Mission acomplished, and that made me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I care a lot, but that is not why I did it.
It was as I said, I did it because I could and if anything, I like to make you happy. 

Nothing wrong with that.. is there?

Well, as usual, our schedules are not in sync, got lucky yesterday, I did plan to have the means, and it worked out, I arrived actually at a perfect time, totally not planned, but the trip up was fine, and we arrived on time, and the process turned out to be nearly perfectly timed, we didn't wait long, then the arrival.  All I could think.. perfect.

Then on the way back, it started snowing,  would have been messy without the truck. So long story short, it all went well and lots of good timing. 

I am happy to have been helpful, and its a great feeling.

So the rest of the week will be hit or miss, because I am off days, and working nights till Friday, and she is working overnights till Thursday and has Friday off but is working Saturday. Sunday I am not sure.  So we will see if I can make anything happen.. maybe call out Friday... maybe to ask about the movies..

But over all, I am happy to be able to make them happy.

R
12/25/12 8:54p

Ok

Do you know why you do the things you do?

R
12/23/12
12:35a

Hello?

Hi...

Are you reading this? Did I mention where to find this?
A publishing of my thoughts?

I know my friend from Maine knows where this is, and an other friend knows, but dont read this..
But, did I tell you?
It would be nice to know that you are actually seeing some of this, since we don't talk on the phone, and rarely talk in person about these things..this is what is going on in my head ..My aches and frustrations, wants and needs..

If you ever are questioning this.. Let me make something crystal clear...

I want you in my life.
I want us to be more than weekend friends.

I just dont know how to convince you that I mean that.
Sometime we will have to talk about this, I know you have important things to do the next week or so..
The New Year will have to see..

:-)

R
12/22/12  3:22a

What did i do?

Well, I am confused as always.
I guess not hard to do.
We met for drinks. Small talk, not much happening after nearly 2 wks of no contact. Called it a night, she was tired from not getting much sleep after work the night before.
I walked her to her car, and said good night..
I went home, as I got in the house, got a text asking if she could come over, I replied of course.
She said just to sleep.
She showed and we talked a bit and went to sleep.
I got up for work and let her sleep, I texted to stay as long as she wanted, there was coffee, and noone would bother her.
There was no one else home.. and for her to text me when she got up, she replied,  she was already home.

Not any more contact after that.. no replys to my morning or evening texts..

I don't get it.
I appreciate she wanted to be with me, I wanted to be with her. I don't get why she has chosen not to reply to anything,
Its friendly hello and morning msgs..

I never know if I am doing the right thing.

What should I make of the behavior?

Is it more than what it appears? Or much less??

I wish I could ask what is going on in her head.
I don't know if she really knows, or if I should be able to figure it out. Is she waiting for me to step up, or go away?
Its more than being nice, she didn't have to come over.
At first I was disappointed, but now I'm confused. She had gone home, she was home when she asked to come over.

I don't know what to think.

I don't know if she is working tomorrow or has Sunday off. I know Monday she has the airport, at 5 so if she don't need me for a ride, I prob won't see her at all next week.

Hmmm

R
12/21/12. 10:51 p

Not...

Well, it looks like I should be sorry I didn't text, but really?

I don't understand why..

You know how I feel, you know where I am at.. have been..
Nothing has changed here..

You don't think I need to know what you are thinking..
Even when it changes..

Think about that for a minute or two..

If you keep changing your mind.. attitude, position.. you would think you might want to let me know.. especially the things that matter to me.. like how you are feelng about ME...
It may be important for me to know..especially if I am to try to interperate what you want from me...

I am fairly simple.. I let you know I want you in my life..
That has never changed. I still do.. but it depends on how much you want me to be a part of yours...

Yep, I am an open book.. and it is in your court...

Make a choice..

R
12/16/12 12:38 p

Well...

Don't that beat all..
I have been behaving myself. Not bugging you..
I know your busy, I know you have stuff to do..
The last contact... I'll text you later.. funny that was 6 days ago...
I get that your busy, work, family and such..
I tried, asked if ya wanted to go to a movie, asked if ya wanted company when you were not feeling well..
Got what seemed like... leave me alone...
Don't want to be a pest..
Missing you a lot, but that just sounds creepy...

Stalker....

No, I backed off, I know you have a bunch on your mind, the last thing ya need is me pestering you...

Been resisting texting and commenting, don't want to over do it..

Probably the wrong thing.. I got..after sending a pic of someting I thought you would want to know..
"Any chance I get a hello"? 

I did say hello.. but I have not been the only one not texting.

Bahh...

I guess I am a jerk..

So, here I am,
ISTBA. You suck..
But your always there when I don't want ya to be...
How the hell do you keep doing that? And why?
Can't you help me?
At least give me a break... once in a while...????

LSTYD
(There's another)

:)

R
12/15/12 11:25p

Home

Yep, out of work a lil early, went home, took a shower, did the dishes, ate a little, checked my email.
Now thinking about bed.

Zero contact.

I am home alone, with the kiddo, and the cat.
Its early for me, but I guess, I should try to sleep, my day schedule is skewed, and have a transmitter trip tomorrow,  probably help to be rested.. Not really but sounds good..

Dont look desperate.. Yeah right!
Cant fool the people that know you.

Got to get it out of my head, I want to text so bad, even to just get the 'sorry, not available'

:-(

pathetic..

getting down, so I should stop..

R

12/12/12  10:54p

Today.. and yesterday

Well, it has not been all that interesting past few days, some indecision, but tasks and such got in the way of any serious thought. I continue to not know, keep guessing, and rationalizing.. the scenarios in my thoughts all make perfect sense, so that is where I stay..

R
12/12/12 03:09p

Snow

Yes its snowing somewhere in Colorado.
I have done my duty as a friend,and had my 3, and as always missing you.
You posted, I commented, and even texted, and got nothing.
Feeling lonely.
And need to go home and sleep.
All my eggs in one basket..not sure if the basket has a hole in it...

I guess..

R
12/09/12 12:54am

What is with us?

Question on my mind,
Are we? Are we not?
Just friends? Drinking buddies?
More?

We are not a couple.. that I know..

Do ya want more? Or less?
You don't seem to know, and week to week it changes, sometimes daily.

My issues have not changed much, your opinion is known only to you. I can be as much as you told me you wanted.. but you have never accepted that except for a week or so.

I know you think about it, you mention it now and then, small statements that I hear you say, then you move on. Like you are trying to forget you thought it. You could ask me, though io may not have the answer. I could at least entertain the thought.

Now, I am back to treating you as a friend, with the thought of more..

Maybe your not as ready as you think.
I am all that I am, dedicated, responsible, employed, settled, loving, caring, active and willing.
I make a good living, have my own home, I can be fun to be with. I have plans, and adventures yet to be fulfilled..

I understand you have issues to be resolved, things to do, a past to reconcile. I'm older than you by a bit, I have a past too, all you have to do is make peace with it and settle what you can, and move on. Stop beating yourself up about what you may or may not have done. If there is nothing you can do about it, move on, learn from it..but let it go.
The things in our past make us who we are today, you have to accept that.

Like I said, I am all that I am, primarily due to my past and what I took away from that.

R
12/08/12 6:17p

Should go

Yep, 3 in should go home, and get some sleep,
Confirmed, working till morning,

Meeting for me first thing..

R

12/08/12 1:15am

Well here i go again..

Got a bit going on this weekend..
This week isn't really over yet..
Got a morning meeting with a few corp officers and some money guys.. should be interesting to say the least.
Starts at 7:30am!
Not the way to start a Saturday, much less end a week..

Oh well, been done before..

So, in prep, I had my steak, and went home and slept for 2 hrs, now I am out for a few.

Yes, I am waiting to see if someone will come in, but work will come first for them, and guessing it won't be after.. a guy can hope.. if not I got a couple hrs to relax and prep my mind for tomorrow morning..

Trying not to be desperate, but just hoping not to appear that way at least. 

Got my plans for vacation. Gonna take call through the 25th and take off the 26 thru next year.. prob end up with a few days short of my 8 used.. with new years in between, but should be interesting to see how this year ends. 

So how much of a jackass have you been?
Your words not mine...
Do they only come, after you let your guard down, otherwise your all hardass? 

Is it a jackass toward your friend?
A jackass toward a relationship?
Or just in general?

You won't tell me, but it would be nice to figure out.

I am still me...
What ever that means..
Dweeb, loser, jerk, loner,
Nice guy, or all that goes with that..
Lover, booty call, or someone to get to know better,
I am not a one nighter..
Someone to be used, even though people have tried, and some have succeded, but only cause I let them.
I may sound (on here) like I have low self esteem..
ISTBA be quiet...
But, generally, I know I am a person that if ya got to know me, you could not help liking me. I am worth more than meets the eye, I can be your best friend, and don't require much maintainence, just a little attention now and then.
It just takes a little time, to get to see who I am.
Your investment of time will have you wondering why everyone don't see me for what I am ..

My little secret, and it could be yours too.

Time has always been our enemy, some can go a long way with it, and some fight it day to day.

I hope it won't become a struggle, time and me, I may have changed a bit over the years, but the real me is still here, waiting for what I deserve. And I am working at it, daily, but acceptance and understanding has always come hard, but I persist, and hope I can look back and see nothing to regret.

Just me,
Still just me...

R

12/07/12 11:08 pm

Fool

Been a bad week, got a call today, made it better.
Of course expectations rose just to be dashed in the last hour.

Got to expect it, I am not supposed to get attached, am not supposed to get hopes up, its just what it is when it is. My mind does terrible things when I am disappointed, think all kinds of bad thoughts..
been lied to to many times and deceived, and expect the deceit, expect the lies.

All my own fault, sucker..loser..  BC..

Don't be too hard on yourself..
You really dont deserve it..

December is here, get through another month, and it will be another year.. big fat hairy deal..

Investment is just a waste of time.. you are not going to get what you need much less what you want..

Lots of work to do.. bills to pay.. it will keep me busy..

Nothing for me to do about it..

Move on..


R
12/06/12 12:07a

Surprize

Yep.. Surprize!
I didn't think I'd see her Friday night.
 No night job, So, made plans..
Drop the roomate down south.
Get L and go get Steak.
Head over to Jaryd's going away party.
Go get the Roomate and bring her home.
Decide what was next by what time it ended up.

All good. At 3:16p Thought I passed E bringing L home from school..
Sent a 'Hi'  text.. no response, probably wasn't her.
At 7:10p got a reply: Hello
I explained, Thought I saw ya, so was saying 'HI' ..
Got: "When, ...was sleeping from 10a to 4:30p..?
Explained must not have been you.
Said Going for steak, w/L ..
Asked if I was working.. said no. next Friday either.

Did the Chauffeuring, Got Steak, went to Jaryd's thing,
Chauffered back, went home.. it was after 12a.. figured just go to bed.

Just climbed into bed..

Text: Hey you awake? 1:34a
   Yes, what's up?
Got off at 12 thought I shared that with you. Whatcha doing?
    No, I didn't know.. nothing. u at the bar?
Sorry thought I did, Yeah but closing in 5 min..
    Wanna come over or go somewhere else?
I can come over..

So... Surprize!!

We were up till 6, listening to music, tickling, and making out..
I really miss the kissing.. (ISTBA.. be quiet) ..

Several times I heard comments,
 "I've been a Jackass"
'Sorry for being such a Jackass..'

So the rest of the morning, was fantastic, and we spent the rest of the day together, shopping and lunch, and I helped decorating, and dinner w/L and then watching TV.
I left about 8p and was gonna go back but she needed sleep..
So I stayed home and did my Sat chores.. laundry and vacuuming.

Now I am wondering where we are.. not sure I want to ask, it is going fine.
Could always be better, but gonna wait and see.. got a few busy weeks ahead of us, and need to see
where that will go. I really think the 'feeling' has returned, but need to make sure..

I am in a happy place right now, and will need to see If I can maintain.

R
12/01/12 10:39p

Testing.. 1,2,3..

Yep, did I pass??

Bet I didn t.

I am not supposed to care, or be hurt..

More like, why do you try to hurt me..
Is there a point to it?

Am i supposed react?

Not happening..

R
11/29/12

Yup

Good.
Still friends.

Whatever that means.
11/28/12. 11:31p

Nananna namna nah

Yep, all I can say..

Loser....

Istba...

R
11/28/12 10:45p

Bad idea..

Yep, this hurts.
Never liked being ignored.. dislike it more now..
Don t deserve this at all..
Didn't do anythimg.. just being me.
But I guess that isn't enough.

11/28/12 10:32p

Out11

For a drink and a pizza..
Trying to decide if I want to text or wait and see..
I should wait.. but thinking about it.. for obvious reasons..

We will see..
11/26/12 10:52p

Was that for me?

I'll be asking that question for days..
Communication in this age still suffers from people that are afraid....
Not so much, afraid of the technology, but of what their actions can do.
If they want to be intouch,  there are so many ways.
If they contact someone, can they get their point across?
Are they doomed to silence because they are afraid of rejection? Or afraid of acceptance..?
Some people find it easier to make you angry at them, so they won't have to deal with the truth. And when you don't get angry, but understand, or try to understand, they panic and have no idea how to handle that, or proceed.
So, then they are left wondering what to do next.
Even though they have been told... "talk to me"
That means in any way you can, the technology is there, we use it every day, we carry it around with us..
You can call, text, post, hell...you can even get in your car and show up! Face to face.. what a concept!
Most of us know how to avoid someone, and most of us have schedules, and routines that we follow day to day.. it really isn't that hard.
Make an effort.. it will be appreciated for what it is, regardless of the results.

I'm not going away, I'm just waiting, and not pestering you, like I said I would. It don't mean I don't still care, it don't mean I don't want to be your friend. It does not mean you have to avoid me.
I really wish you would not...

R
11/25/12 2:52p

Here I go again...

I am here sitting near the speakers.. hoping to drown out the noise in my head.

Not working, and no Absolut here tonight..
So Grey Goose it is.

"What to do? What to do?"

Well I am here.. and waiting for my chaufeur text..
I napped so I wasn't too tired tonight, not sleeping as well as I should, getting up at 6, and can't go back to sleep..

Had the weirdest nightmare Tuesday night..
I dreamt I fell asleep... and couldn't wake up..
What made it a nightmare was, I was driving!
I was trying to open my eyes and couldn't.
I could see the lights of oncoming traffic through my eyelids,
Trying to wake up trying to open my eyes, I was steering away from the lights, wasn't sure if I was still on the road, in on coming traffic or going off the road and about to hit a tree or something. I new I had to open my eyes...
And finally I woke up!  From the dream...

So... did I finally wake up? Did I know something was gonna happen..

The subconcious is really tricky..

First dream I've remembered in months.

So, I am here..
'Sharing the drink called lonelyness...it's better than drinking alone'
(Thanks Billy)

All good..NOT!

ISTBA!

And there is the chaufer text

R
11/24/12 10:47p

Ok.. got to get my mind in another place

Too much quiet in my space.. need some noise to drown out the stuff in my head.
The over thinking, wondering, the questions, just thinking about all the stuff I am trying not to think about..

I need a distraction something to make me think of nothing.
Or at least something else.

R
11/24/12 4:45p

Miss you.

Said it,I did.

R

Ok... now what?

Friday, it's here..
Bfd..
ITSBA
But I got my. Friday steak.. and a few.
Trying to figure out if I should just shut up and sit down..
I don't want to,but everything tells me I should..

Back off, behave, and see if eminem was right,
"Life's so empty, with out me..."

Prob won't be missed, I am quite forgetable..

Out of site out of mind..

Its just me..

R
11/24/12 12:27A

I am getting good at this.

Nailed it.
I am over with out even getting started.
You can't really break-up if you never got back together.
I was waiting, figured it would come up after the holidays, but was told " it don't feel the same" ..

I think I was never given a fair chance, because she still didn't forgive herself from before.

Not me.. you...

It don't hurt as much this time because we were 'just being friends'

Not even sure if that will be allowed, after this..

Like I said this morning..

ISTBA has returned.

Time moves on..

R
11/22/12 9:26a

Wtf

Ok..what are you trying to tell me?
Am. Not worth your time?
Am I over?

Feels like it.

I don't matter.
Iam just me..
Not worth your time..

I should just leave.

Not important, don't matter.

ITSBÀ. Has returned

Sucks

R
11/22/12 1:11a

So

Do I just go home..?
Or.do.I.ask?

No, just go...

Ignore me. And I will.accept it.
I don't have that.much personal respect for me.. low self.esteem
. Been beaten down
And am used to it

R

11/21/12 12:06

Back to...really!

Ok, I get it. But really?
Oh well, I guess I just don't rate...

R.
11/21/12 10:49p

Busy time of year.

Yes, we are all busy.
Never too busy to stop and say hi..at least we shouldn't be.

If I have neglected to .. stop.. and take a moment.. just to say hi, or good morning.. forgive me and remind me, point it out...
I will appreciate that you care enough to have noticed.

R
11/20/12 5:46p

Waiting

Just waiting for a text, to tell me to go pick someone up, not a problem, really, just they are probably gonna be really drunk and probably angry.
Probably a bad night, but its the least I can do.

I had a good day, started with work, but after that was really nice. Felt pretty good the rest of the day.

R
11/17/12 11:23p

Breakfast

That was nice.
Got invited to breakfast after my morning meeting.
It was nice to be able to hang out fo a few, enjoy good company. Have a bloodymary and some french toast.
It was sunny and nice outside as well.

Made an early day much better.

R
11/17/12 4:53p

That was not fun...

Well, got to lookout for those that will let me.
Taxi service.. personal crutch, and cleanup crew.

Ok..someday I'll call in the favor... maybe..

Anyway.. had my steak, go and wash the car, and back.
Maybe 2 more, then home and bed, morning meeting, yippie,
Groceries, and prob, laundry and maybe a nap.... then maybe work on some stuff, and who knows after that.

Missing E, but work is work.. got to do what ya have to.

R
11/16/12. 11:56p

Week

This week started bad and was longer than it had to be.
One of the bright spots was being able to make 2 people very happy with a single gesture.
This made me happy too.
Some times the simplest things can be the best for everyone.

Of course the remainder of the week lasted as long as the beginning, but I have that thought of the results.

Fyi.. you didn't ask, you didn't hint, you didn't take advantage of me, it was, is, and will be a gift.  As I said, no strings attached.

I mean what I say, and try to say what I mean.

R
11/16/12 3:51p

Nice

Just a nice night out with a friend.
No stress, or pressure.
But got to spend time together.
11/15/12 7:10a

Here i go

Let's see if I am ever right...
Round 1.
Thought out .. naturally too much

Tuesday

Another busy day.
Equipment fixed, interviewed, national story..
Got a txt from E. Made my day.
Happened to drive by and waved, didn't want to get her in trouble.  Hope I get to see her tommorow..

Long day,
G'night
11/13. 1:16a

Busy Monday

What a day, between critters and equipment, I am beat.
The weekend was great, I asked E out for a movie, and it was nice,then a few drinks,then home.
A great night.
Sunday, I cooked, then went to see E, and hung out watching movies, had chili and ended up getting called into work, and didn't get home til 1:30

Good weekend. Now just get thru the week...

R
11/12/12

Ok then..

Here I am, having my steak, after all its Friday...
I made the attempt, and was suprised.
Reply!
Made my whole day.
Not sure if its just freindship, to early to tell,
I figure its a non issue till after the new year.
Not that I want that, just family takes precidence.
So I will behave and not get my hopes up, til then.
You never know...

I have no plans for the rest of this year, I assume L will spend the holidays with A and her friend.. all good. I expect to have work, and on-call through each holiday.. gives my asst time with his family..

It will be as usual, I can cope, hopefully works will be calm.

Need to use a week of vacation.. may just sleep..

Tease, tease.. I like it, I will open up and let me come out if you let me.. it could be fun..

Red head....  :-)

All I can say..

Of course.. we could continue.. boots, etc.. (edited for content)

HEY! Step up, back on the curb! Out of the gutter....

Lol.

R
11/09/12. 10:31p

Ok now what?

Well, that was unexpected.
I didn't get to finish last nights post, E arrived and it was weird at first. We chatted a bit, and once she found out my birthday was the next day she said id have to stay til midnight so she could buy me a shot.
After finally going out side, I followed and she apologized for the way she acted, I accepted her apology and stated I understand but was unhappy that she wouldn't talk to me.

I mentioned that I wanted to still be friends and hoped it would stay that way. We closed the place and were talking out side and I offered to drive her home, at first she refused, she could make it, but gave in, gave me her keys, and asked me to take her home. I did what she asked.

So today, she slept, and no contact with me, I didn't text either, she is working the over night and I got called in to job 1 at 1:15a, and just got home at 2a.

So gonna sleep now.. today is Friday.

R
11/09/12 2:22a

Hope against hope..

Just figured i'd give it a shot.
Nope, just not..
6hrs ago.. plenty of time to not be here.
No matter, having one or two, been a day that requires enhancement.
Not difficult, just long, and busy.
No one to care about it, so here putting it down, so I can.

Side note, the hope was not against..
She showed.. sat next to me..
Just small talk.. but here...

I guess it will be ... ok...  weird.. awkward... but ok and civil.

R
11/07/12. 10:27p

Working on it.

Pizza and beer.
Long day at works and another few ahead. Need food, (taken care of) and sleep.

Lonely..

Trying my best to not think.. its so hard, but got to get thru.. like the dt's.. once your past the hump.. it gets smooth..

Doing my best.. but my mind betrays me most of the time..
Too easy to search, and look, and hope...

Why am I such a basketcase?

The song 'invisible touch' comes to mind..

Anyway, got to keep on.. be me... or that guy that don't give a damn...

Sure that's believeable... (for those that know me... it isn't)

All good.. it should not be so tough.. I don't know why..
Was it really all that?  

It did have potential.. I considered all the possibilities..
I guess I should have shared them before... not kept them to myself..

I didn't want to look to desperate.. ( I know I do) but I wanted to be laid back and cool about it..  didn't want to appear like the pathetic loser I have always been...

Oh well, guess she saw the real me through all the bull...

I have a lot to offer, but you have to want what I have.. if not, I am just another dweeb.. geek, trying to be happy..

I ain't cool, I ain't a physical specimen.. just me.. but some where I can be me and forget what I wish I was..or never could be.. I have seen a bit in the past, and learned from most of it but I can't be what I am not, I know most of those that pass themselves off are not much different.. but fake their way through.. and here I have been honest and naked to all, and I am good for about 3 weeks.. some times a bit longer.. depends on if I am around all the time or not..

Story of my life.. I spent the last few years trying to cope..with where we ended up.. I was fine, thought I found interest and a place to build on a future.. but ....bam.. time to put me down in my place, can't be too happy.. I haven't deserved that yet... so time for reality to kick me when I am down..

Ouch!

Anyway.. dust me off and get up and move on..
I have plenty of things to keep me busy.. and need to get back to that..you have deliberately ignored what you should have been doing to make time for her.. and all it ended up was putting you a few months behind and with no one that cares about you.. and clients that don't get it..

So, after all, I'd still let her back in.. still hope for it... but need to be real.. and go back to being the grumpy old hermit, till L goes to college .. by then no one will need a an old fart like me...

Anyway.. tommorow will be long and so will the next few...

R
11/05/12 10:41P

Here we go.....

Ok..
Made a decision, gonna back off. Drop off the radar.
Not gonna change my habits, just not gonna go out of my way to be noticed. Try to move on and see what happens, stop being a pain in the ass. What I want don't matter to anyone but me.
So, I will do my best to leave you alone.
As I keep saying, you have to tell me to leave you alone and I will. But I don't want to confuse the issue and become that asshole that would not let you get on with your life.

Of course, the last time I saw you was not my fault.. you invited me, and changed your mind... you have to stop hinting..and talk to me.. don't expect me to figure it out.. that's too much work..
Not that your not worth the effort, just I always get it wrong.

If your still not sure, I have to back off, and you will have to invite me back in.
I will still be friendly when I see you, but I am done chasing, it isn't getting me anywhere. Just making me miserable and confused.

If ya want me, you better tell me, I am not hoping beyond hope at this time.. stop playing games, cause I quit that right now.

No games, no hounding, no chasing, if you want me in your life, you better make time and let me know..

If not, we are just Friends. I am not a threat to your happiness.
You don't have to ignore me or avoid me.. I promise not to pressure you, and you know I am good to my word.
I have proved it over and over.

That's is for now..

R
11/03/12 10:27p

Well..what to do...

Yep, got nothing going on today.
Trying to keep my mind from bumming me out.
Its hard to try to think of much else.

Going to try, stop pestering, stop looking, stop thinking.

It amazes me how caught up I got in all this.. too weird.
Not what I expected. Damnit Adam where are u with all your I don't give a damn attitude that I need right now? 

Now here I sit waiting in a waiting room, with nothing to do.. and I start thinking about it again.

It sucks.

Need to get my mind off it.

R
11/04/12 2:49p

Plans change

Well tonight was interesting, no, not interesting, different.
Did my usual shuttling at 3 and added an hour round trip for the roomate, went back, finished the first part of the day, went home, then started the last part. Got a call, don't need a ride home. K. Then an hr later, need a ride.
Then as I was headed for steak, can ya come get me?  
I asked if ya can wait, and got a half hearted yes I can, decided to go anyway.. glad I did.
Stopped to eat on the way back,then dropped, and went for 1, and to drop off the poster.
Glad I did.. and got a free drink for it.
I left after just the one.. and here I am, ready for sleep.
Grocerys in the morn, football at 1. Then dinner, then karaoke, then probably time change at work.

Nothing new anywhere else, cept not blocked..?!
Just ignored.

Time to lay low. Be quiet. Be respectful.
Back to the day to day.

ÎTSBA.

R
11/03/12. 12:54AM

Back to ITSBA

Ok, still confused.
Still hurt.
Still alone.

Time invested, and wasted..I guess.
I couldn't make the cut.. like the commercial.. your boring. Boring.
It wasn't said, but its how I feel.

Then as I creep up on another b-day.. that no one will acknowledge... or care about.. just getting old... grey and less ..

Nothing I can do about all that.. been living with that for so long..not gonna change..

Got to make plans to get out and not come back... go where I can be me and not everything I have become. 

The time is coming..

R
11/01/12 10:18p

Wtf

Huh..just don't know...
More later.
10/31/12 10:45p

Why?

Looking back...
Why did you post that?
Was it for my Benefit?
Must have been..
Cause now you have deleted it..
Weird.

Why can't u be honest..

I must stop..

Hoegaardren.. x2.

Damn.

R
10/29/12 11:19p

Its done...

Or I'm done.
Finally could not stand it any longer.
Sent the message, explaining that I knew I was out.
I don't know why you could not tell me,
Not like I would have taken it any worse.
I was already hurting, this just closed it, I lost out, I guess,
That is how I am feeling..
Still a bit confused, and would love some answers to a few questions. Just to give my mind some peace.

Why did you want me to go with you to your reunion if you had been planning this? You asked me several times for about 2 months. ( I was actually considering it )

Why did you mention arizona and the possibility of me going there with you or visiting 'as often as I could'?

Why all the talk about marriage and family, when you apparently didn't think I would consider it at all... I did...

There is more, but I don't think I'll ever know.

Just stuck in my head.

My life needs to go back to the hum drum, work, work, work.
I don't have any way to get out and meet new people and I have made enough bills to make work my priority for the next few months to come. I have warned some of my co-workers the grumpy angry me is on his way back. 

Not where I want to be, but destined to end up that way.

ITSBA. Has returned...

I didn't miss ya but you are an old friend.

R
10/29/12. 10:4p

pictures

It's really unfair.
I wasn't allowed to show my feelings until it was no longer a problem for someone else.
Then for a week it was OK, I got in trouble for not giving you a kiss or a hug.
Then all this happens and I am lost.

I realize we have never talked on the phone, I realize we have never taken a picture together.

I am so new to all this, it has been 20 years since I have tried to date anyone. I am programmed to not be all those things I should be. I have been told what not to do for so long its second nature. For the past 6 or 10 years, shows of affection were out. No holding hands, hugging, snuggling all those things I want to be able to learn to do again.

I don't have much going for me physically, I haven't spent much time with nothing more to do than to work out. I have been doing what a man does, working and providing for his family, food and shelter making life comfortable. Without love in a man's life, it makes him pretty dull.

I have a lot of love to give.. scratch that, Share.

My complicated home situation is starting to change, As I told you it would. The roommate is almost moved out. She has a place to go and will be there most of the time, been there all weekend, moving her stuff there so its comfortable for her.

I need to get myself caught up, I need to pay off some of these bills and get my monthly payments in order.
I am at a break even point pay wise. As long as I don't go out every night and stop spending $60 trying to drown my confusion. I have work to do, work I have neglected, so I will.

I guess, even though it hurts, I will plan to move on.
I have to wonder if your not telling me because you still haven't made up your mind, and are afraid I'll go away and turn you away if you decide you made a mistake.
I also wonder if you promised not to contact me.. that would be wrong, even if it was just to yourself.
Do I need to leave you free on the weekends, so you dont have to avoid me so you can be available?
You got to tell me.

Anyway, stuff to do..
Be back later I am sure..

R
10/28/12 2:46P

No response.

I guess I have done or said something wrong.
I get no response.

If ya want me to leave you alone, you got to tell me.
So I don't feel like some kind of stalker.

I have thought this through over and over, and can't figure it out.. are you trying to tell me to go away?
Are we just friends now? Or less...?

Are you hoping I'll give up?
Do you think I will quit trying?
Are you hoping I'll lose interest?

I get that your working all week, but ya can't spare a few minutes to tell me what is going on?

Don't I deserve that much?

Damn.

R
10/29/12 7:55 p

My life...

10/26 10:48p
Finished my steak, basically informed I need to go home tomight..not that my plans were gonna be different.
Too early to call it a night, but its cold and I'm tired. I should.
Not sure...  is it ITSBA? Or just bad timing? I am lonely, and wondering if its gonna be a lonely couple more months...
Work is busy and work 2 sucks. Can't figure out what I need to be doing.
Moving on don't mean moving forward.
If you have read any previous posts, you'd know I thought this was going some where. But I don't understand why its not.
I really hate not knowing.

My life.

Well, have another and see where it leads....

R

Killing time. --)

Well,  its snowing, lightly but none the less.
I am hoping, but know better.. and should be home, but I am here, not sure if I should, but I can have a drink and go home and sleep.  Probably badly,  but maybe dreamless..

Hoping, its just time to think, figure out the next steps..make a decision, and none of the rest of what I have been thinking... even if it is.. maybe ill get a decision... or a direction.

I don't like where this has taken me, I was cautious and careful, trying to be unattached, then it got me and now it hurts.

I am me.. trying to be happy and comfortable.. I don't need any games. Just mutual respect. 

Give me a break,

R

Blogger and my phone

Thurs 10:25 10/25
I just realized that when I open my blog and read previous posts it saves them with todays time stamp... so I will have to start putting the date and time of the post, in the post ..

Since when?

Well, just a few questions running through my head.
Only gonna ask some of them.. not that I will ever get an answer.

Since when...
  Does being responsible, law abiding citizen, score against you?
  Does having your own home,
  Does having a good paying job,
  Does being good at what you do, professionally and personally,
  Does being forgiving, and seeing the positives and past the negatives,
  Does being willing to do almost anything to help someone be happier,
 
Cause you not to be the 'one' ?

Just not dangerous enough?
Just not as much fun as jerks and punks?

Stability and caring and the ability to put family first just don't count.

I am not going to apologise for who I have worked my entire life to become. (Thanks Dad, for the wonderful example of what a man should be!)

I care, so it hurts to be ignored, it feels like rejection....

More....

R

Ok. ? !

Well I guess that is a good thing..
Did not expect a 'why didn't you respond to my mornin smiley?'
I truly didn't get the msg... at that time I was at the grocery store... and on the phone with work..troubleshooting an issue..
But, the msg was more than welcome.. I figured she'd be busy all day.. and wasn't gonna bother her....
But after the door was opened, I figured i'd follow up, probably over did it..

Oh well, make it better next time...

Anyway, mambo #9 ,  making me think of her... absolut -ly...

Damn time difference...

Anyway.. ITSBA !

Well, I need to stop thinking about it.. drink my drinks.. and see what tomorrow brings.

Sorry Amy&Drew.. I didn't make it.. should have.. but napped the evenin away... up till 3:30. This morn.. radios..and other mind occupying things.. 

All good.  

Still missing E .

More...

R

Ouch

Well, I did say you can't make me mad enough go away.
I didn't say you cant hurt me.

Ouch!

This hurts! If you did this to make me angry, I am but not at you.. and me.
If you did this to make me go away, it failed. It hurts like hell but.. that is not how it works.
If you want me to go away, If you want me to leave you alone, you have to tell me so.
You have to make the decision, I won't do it for you.
I didn't do anything wrong, If I am not what you want, you have to tell me.
You certainly don't show it, most of the time.
I am not guessing... you need to make up your mind, I don't have any issues you don't know about, definitely none that can't be over looked, or worked out.
It hurts already, so if it has to go that way, you might as well put the knife in the rest of the way, finish me off so I can start healing and get over it.

You know all the things I am not, and many of the things I am. I won't go down that road all about those things I have never been or never will be, too damn old for that, I am me..I was hoping you would find out the rest as time moved on, I should say, I was hoping you would WANT to find out the rest..
Being a 'nice' guy is what I am about, had plenty of opportunity to be otherwise. I know I don't appear that way, and if I was all of that, you wouldn't like me... trust me, I know. I have heard many times in the recent past, if only you were an 'Asshole' sometimes.. that isn't why you were attracted to me.. I have worked hard at NOT being an asshole.. not somewhere I want to be. There is no turning back from there.

No one wants to be around the mean, nasty, violent, scheming, calculated, out for me and only me, guy.
Very few people in my past know those sides of me, I didn't like me then, not many did.
It comes up in my head now and then, but the self-control wins. That has taken years to master.
I have had many tests in my life, things that would push a lesser man over the edge, most people don't want to hear about them, and I don't talk about it. Why would you want that? The loving caring (somewhat boring) me is a lot easier to be with. 
I guess as it always has been, the Bad Boy is more exciting... Add a few tattoos, send me to prison, let me break a few rules, and heads, and smack ya around a bit, cheat on ya... then I am like all the rest.. Dangerous.. but desirable?? Bull.. who wants that? in the end is it worth it?

'Come here, I'll poke you in the eye... you'll call me an asshole,.. and I'll pick you up at 7!'

I just want to be comfortable again, I want someone to need me, to appreciate me for all that I do, and put up with, in this worlds day to day struggles, someone who is as happy to have me around, as I am happy to have them in my life.
If that is not what your looking for, you better let me go, you are wasting my time.

I am not sure what I want to do, this hurts, I am done being hurt, for things I didn't do.

OUCH!

R

Arghhhhhhhh..

Well what to do?
Stuff happens and I am not able to do anything about it.
Even if I could I won't be able to for at least a week.
Timing
What more can I do but stew on it?
Pause. . .
Back, after reading posts.. my heart hurts. :(
Didn't need to see that.
Don't know where I stand at all. Aparrently I don't.
Damn that hurts.
Second thoughts I guess.
Looks like my 3 weeks (decidedly longer than that..but the same results) are up.

Bummer..

Dont know

Yep, as usual, I don't know what just happened.
Time may tell.

R

Another day.

Made it through. Weird how it works. Napped yesterday, got to sleep at the usual hour.. expected to wake normally, but got woke up by my phone continueously from 6 am til I finally got out of bed. So now I think I am reset. We will see in a few hours.
Have a task, so it may or may not allow me to be up or around late. Got an appt tomorrow night. Hope I get to keep it.

So chores are done, tasks complete that I was trying to get done, bill has been sent. I have. A few more that need attention,  and I may attempt them, while I wait.

Not fooling myself.. missing E.  Til tomorrow night.

R

Lets see ..

.. I am in a good mood, I was tired, but snuck in a nap. Got the rest of my day and night done.
Got asked why I was always away? Because its uncomfortable, but got an apology for butting in later. It isn't what you think, its what it is. I get it, which is why I don't mind being somewhere else. There are many good reasons to enjoy not being home. Granted there is travel to consider, rushing about to be on time, but it is well worth it in the end. I'm happy, and we are somewhat comfy.  So far no issues, except lack of sleep..from staying up 'watching movies'...
I need to behave.. but that's a tough one. But a dilema I can deal with.
Still smiling ... E, you do that to me.

R

This was from a few weeks ago.. just found it in my phone..
I meant it...still do...

Uh huh..

Yep, been a while.. nothing much to bitch about in the past month..
So, of course.. now.
ITSBA has returned.
Not sure what I should be doing or thinking.
Confused and alone, not sure if I should be pressing the issue or letting it ride out.
I don't like it at all, I am too attached to know how to deal with this. It hurts to be left out.
She is leaving soon and I don't know where I am.. I am alone .. and lonely. 
I hate being this dependant on some one else, but it is what it is.

I am who I am.. no matter how I try to be hard and unncaring.. its just not me.

Thanks for listening...

R

Almost ahhhh....

Things have been going OK.
I need to buckle down a bit and save some money, I have been used to doing what I want, because I had surplus, but now its gone.
I have to go back to the mode of not
Spending anything I don't have to.

I have a few issues, but they are better, I think we are comfortable around eachother. I like it. I think you do too.

See ya soon

R
-

Ok. Did I mess it up?

Sometimes saying the right thing at the wrong time can seriously undermine all you are trying to do.
Saying the right thing at the wrong time ...

It sucks to be me sometimes...

And history can suck too.. but you don't get to be my age without history....

R

Ok..not ok.

Well I was right, I guess I can't win for long.
Finally verified why, and truly depressed about the reason.
I wish I could fix this. I was getting better, had a reason to smile but, messed it up being what I thought I needed to be.
Sometimes friendship is over rated, especially when the friend knows they can take advantage of your good nature.
Here I am, alone again because of it.
Really, I am a nice guy.. just no one will let me be that way.
:(
I just want to be happy.. and to be able to help someone else be happy. You know be happy together. 
Not too much to ask. At least I've always thought it wasn't too much to ask..... so I find its tougher than I ever thought.

I was looking forward to a good weekend.. I guess I will lock my self in my room and hope I can get my technical brain around some repair work, I have enough of it, and if all cooperates I might get some personal satisfaction and make a few bucks.

I am bummed out.. figures just when I was hoping to be, I find out I am not. It sucks that it happens again and again.
Really not where I wanted to be at this age. (Or any, for that matter) I just am so tired of being alone. Feeling like no one cares. And all my efforts are in vain. I just don't get it.

Back to me.. work work work.. nose to the grind stone, no one will even notice..

LSTYD.

Right there with ISTBA !

R

Yep, yet again.

Well, what do I say?
Am I right? Has it been 3 weeks?
Bout all I am good for. Said it before and it proves true. ??
I don't know... I hope I am wrong, I was ready.. I wanted this to develop. Probably why I think it failed.
I wish you would talk to me, I don't get why it crashed and burned. (Did it?)  I still don't know.
Lonely and confused.
Then on top of all that.. my cars are giving me fits. Too expensive to be needing all this attention.
I have no money, not getting any night hours, and have no time or ambition to work on the piles of stuff I have to fix at home.

What did I do? Why can't I get a break? I was just starting to enjoy myself.

R

I can call it..

Well it does not take a rocket scientist to see what is gonna happen sometimes.
I was right on the money, it was gonna be a problem and now it is.
How big, dunno, but I was getting too comfortable, another mistake, so time to screw it up!

Too many of my friends have been telling me, I need to do something, say something, stop doing something, put down my foot, grow some balls, etc.. stop letting myself be taken advantage of... Stop being an 'Enabler'...
well, it was never too much of an issue before, I didn't have any kind of life before, I wasn't trying to move forward, ITSBA and all that. So, now that its expected for me to be doing nothing better.. and since I am so used to it.. and the being needed part, feeling like I am actually helping someone part, just another point for me to bitch about.. now its getting in the way..

How to bring it up without being a jerk..? I am done waiting for it to get better, I have to make it better, but is it too late?..
Did I already screw this up? 
Probably.
Does that change the fact that I need to stop this and keep moving forward?
No.

The question again is how to do this. I wish I could figure that part out. It isn't that simple.
just say no... wish it was.

Now, I am also back to, can I fix the broken part?
Is it broke?

Arghhh is gonna change to Grrrr before it gets to Ahhhh.. 

Damn...

R

Yep

Huh

What is a guy to do?

Well, I am anxious. Wondering what I should be doing. I am hanging out, waiting.  Waiting to be asked to go pick up, I know it will happen, but I am waiting on someone I would rather spend the time with. Don't want to go and come back for and be gone an hour, I have to get this worked out because it will continue if I don't.
I don't want to cause doubt and issues, I want to continue to work to a good place. So We can be happy and not lonely.

More...

R

Getting better all the time...

Ok.. no ITSBA comment for a while, been working on it, and for once succeeding. Still taking it slow(sort of) but trying to avoid the complications and grief.  Waking up there was not as bad as it could have been, no looks, but maybe a lil disapproval? Not of me, but of the situation?? I think it will be ok. We will see.

A few factors to deal with, but meeting with approval in places where it counts.  Got to work on those items that complicate things, and those things in my head. But, its mostly positive right now, and liking the feeling.  Getting happy again.
Been way too long.
R

Ummmm

OK..not gonna say much.,
I guess I haven't lost it. So happy about that!

Very good feeling. Just tired.

R

Yet another... istba

Yep, nothing new about that. Don't know what I am thinking or doing. I am strapped and work don't help. I need to buckle down, pay the bills and forget about anything for me.. I got that one time for myself... once in 10 yrs.. and paid .. or am paying dearly for it..
I asked for a lil help, and got instruction.. sorry I was doing ok with out your help.. you have been no help for quite a while. I guess its still one way... sorry I won't ask again.. get a job and get out.. I don't need you, and apparently you only need me for a free ride.. 
Don't want to be mean... but what does this do for me?  Nothing. 
You should be paying your own way.. not taking advantge of me.. independant.. nope.. far from it. 

I am a sucker..

Got to get thru this for myself.. on my own.. no one but me to blame.. bustin my ass for 10 yrs and no thanks, no ..I know I'm freeloading.. but thanks for letting me be me.. and being there for her..  I'm just that ass you can take advantage of, because I have always been me.. I haven't changed.. you did and blamed me.. and made me feel bad because you were lying to everyone.. I didn't realize.. and blamed myself..  surprize.. it was you, not me.. I am just the guy you could blame.. and it was you.. and yet you think it is my fault.. nevermind that you were lying to me and everyone else, and making me feel bad.. thinking I was to blame. BS... if you were just honest.. nothing has changed... $5k later.. your still lying to me.. REALLY??? 
This will never end.. I am to blame...

Damn..

R

I want...

I want to see more of you.

So, ... ?

Ok, been thinking about this all day.. time to write it down and see what comes out.

I kept myself busy all day. Got up early, coffee and a quick trip to the store. fixed a radio.
went to the humane society for our Sunday 2 hrs. Back home, drove the roommate to fountain, cause the car was still there. came home. had lunch w/L. Started laundry. did the dishes. went and got gas for the lawnmower. Mowed the lawn. Ate dinner. started cooking for next week. finished laundry. Watched tv for an hour. Ironed my shirts. worked on another radio.

Ok.. so a really busy/productive day.. Why have I been thinking about her all day? I cant get her out of my head. Wondering if i blew it.. wondering if she is thinking about me at all? does she remember the other night? I was behaving.. is that the prob? should I have not..?

the work schedule this week is gonna be full, and L goes back to school Tuesday, so my daily schedule goes from 7:20A to 3p for lunch and pickup/dropoff back to work till 5p home change and work from 6p to 10p.
I know this weeks night schedule is 6 to10 all week. So, no free time to meet up. Should I just text? ask whats up? explain myself? (I have a hard enough time figuring it out for me..)

Well, its almost 2.. got to try to get some sleep..

R

None

Istba. I am not sure if i am getting anywhere. I try, but I don't know if it matters. Did I try to lay the groundwork and mess up my chances.  maybe trying to be "non-commital" is keeping it aloof.
I can't seem to say what I mean. It comes out wrong. Mis-understood.
Probably too late to go back.
Maybe its cause I don't know what I really want.
I don't want to make the same mistakes again, had enough of that misery...each time...
Is it so hard to convey, that all I want is to be wanted and needed, reciprically... got to be mutual. If not, its gonna flash and burn bright for a moment and be gone. Waste of time.
Getting too old for that..and the bright light hurts my eyes...

I think my living situation is hurting my 'availability' but I think it is doable.. the right person should be able to see past it.
...
Tired.. going to sleep...

R

On a better note, wasnt alone

I got to go out and spend time. It was mostly normal.. kept reminding me it was time to go home and go to sleep.. long day and all.. stress filled.. that is why we were out.
Eventually closing Time, earlier we talked before about hanging at my  house, and decided to go hang by the firepit.
Talked... hugged, cuddled.. made-out..
Been so long.. it was weird.. I was not sure if it was good enough. But it kept up, and I was enjoying It.  So I asked if she was going home?   She was unsure, and asked if I was gonna behave, she was tired but wanted to stay, so she did.
She reminded me I said I was gonna get up early.. I stated I didn't need to.. 
So we cudddled and went to sleep.
We got up at 10, she was sure someone was up, and didn't want to confront anyone, I reassured her it was just my roommate and her ex-girlfrend...
Nobody cared or said anything, the roomate gave me that look
"Are you gonna introduce her" so I did. No biggie,  and nothing more was said about it.
Everyone else left, and I went out and worked on my car. Started my laundry, cooked monday's dinner.
  Waited to see what was gonna happen for dinner.

I did say it will be better the next time.

She don't get that its my house, and I can do what I want, within reason,  I don't have to ask for permission.
I am a big boy.. and can make my own decisions..
And finally its been 11 months.. no commitments.

Got to be comfortable.. I understand...I would feel weird waking up at her house..probably.

I think I get it, don't want to appear easy, but heck, it has been slow going.  Our first date was May, and I kissed her for the first time last night, in August!   
Its ok.. I can take it easy, and behave.. 

R

Going on record

Let's see.. its official, time to take advantge, is now..from now...
Planned this for weeks.. your ok with picking me up... yes, so text me.. tell me I am ready. When you are to come get me.
It takes 30 min to drive there... at 9:57 I get the text... at 10:30 I show.. walk in.. plugging in songs in the jukebox, has. A drink on the bar, just ordered... oh your early.    ... 
I got to finish My drink. ....
So, I walk back out... and get back in the truck... to wait.
Comes out, says don't be mad.. its Me and so and so and....
You can come in and have one....
I say i'll wait. She says will explain it on the way home....
This is gonna happen again.. 
Blahh......

Another night

Don't know.. why I can't connect.. the thought ... was told 'if we did that...stuff would happen..'  why would that have been bad? I don't get it... am I not one for that???? How much do ihave to do?? Am I too nice ?

Long day.. long week.

Hmm... let's see, today started..was at work at 7, slow start.. editor / network issues ... server issues.. work arounds done by 3..  call to help another location, work to connect it and make it good for them.. out at 5:30.. home change get to job2 for 45 min.. calledback to job1.. news graphics issue, go in finally fix it and go back to 2 at 8:15.. work till 10.. go back to 1, disconnect feed and reconnect the equipment for the morning.. reset another server and force catch 2 spots that we're not delivering..finally head foer home at 11:15... no lunch, no dinner.... gonna have to reheat  leftovers in the fridge... eat and shower before bed... the whole week has been this bad.  The weekend isn't looking any better..  always too much to do..

Who am I doing this for?  Not me..
Just need a better reason..

Well gonna eat..

R

Istba...

Yep, it does.. 
Still me.. I guess that is the problem.
It sucks to be alone.
Well.. that is me...  yep
Had a few.. 4..plus waffle shot.. its kicking in now... can't finish #5. But gonna .. feeling it now.. thanks Hank..
Istba... 
Story of my life.

1st week of Aug 2012

Well this has been an exciting week...
Last weekend was interesting. Fixing stuff for friends. ( I like doing that) and being seen. Shame i wasnt the type that can take advantage. the Texts were interesting..unexplained.. and probably forgotten.
Oh well, make a person think..
Things moving in a positive direction.. I think.. Monday, I had every intention of going home after work.. ended up across the parking lot , then got called into work, went to work, and got out about 11:30p, on the way home passed by, and thought.. dbl take, drove thru the parking lot.. not sure.. went home. should I text? and ask..? Nah.. but,, no got to know, at least if I am wrong have a beer and go home.. bingo.. right there.. sat and had a beer and chatted.. it was good.. really glad I went back. Saturday will be another thing.. we will see.
So here it is Thursday, been a busy week so far, work is getting exciting again, got plans for tomorrow, calls to make and money to spend. then work2 and Steak. Sat..unknown, maybe a short road trip to Bishops Castle. Then,  see if I can be seen, or seen with? - Backed off... no.. not interested.. No.. complicated? only if you want it to be.. I think its simple.. it is what it is, and can be what you want it to be..if only I would stop being so confusing.. (its confusing to me too.. I am doing that for what reason i dont know, probably because I think I am supposed to.. not that I want to..I just want to move forward and not hurt anyone or get hurt) Help me out here.. I know you can .. if you let me..   :)

How big is it??? that is a question i want asked again...this time so it can be answered.. or at least explained..

is your head spinning.. mine is..

R

New phone today

Yep had to get a new phone. Busted the old screen
Now I have to get to know this new one.

Back from vacation

Well, I have been back home from my road trip for 1 week. Never been so bored in my life.. been getting up early, sleeping heavy, and trying to get stuff done.
Mowed the front lawn friday after work, almost did the back yard Saturday, but worked on some stuff instead. 
Got up at 8:30 Sunday. Sitting out on the patio drinking coffee and watching the grass grow. 

Went for steak Friday night, still good! But was home by 11:30.. went again last night for trivia, and the place was slow, stuck it out til 1.

Today's plans are volunteer work and prob mow the back yard.. maybe. Change the oil in the cars, work on radio stuff..

ISTBA still, but I really am not doing much to change that.

My road trip proved that in some cases, once your gone you should stay that way, some friends can't explain you in their lives to their current life.. I did say 'friends' . . .  Hmmmm
Others could remain your friend if you continually invite them. I probably should have got off the couch, even just to move to the floor, but that seemed confusing and maybe a bit more than could have been explained.  . . Hmmmm

Anyway, life will have to go on with out them.

I found out that 2 guys I went to school with have died in the past year. One this past month and one a year ago this week. Sad to hear, people I should have got to know better.

I will need to get through this month financially, and then see about fixing the car and also starting the work on the old car's new engine. That should keep me occupied.

E, you had me thinking about the stuff, I am guessing it is bad timing, I think you were telling me at dinner that we will be friends, before you proved it to me, sorry I misunderstood. I was thinking it was me or my baggage not just timing, I figure stuff out if I think about it. Sometimes (usually) think too much, but no grudges. I just wish we had a chance to talk about it before I misunderstood and got all hurt. Made me think I did something or didn't do something.  I realize my home situation is unconventional, but it works the way it is for everyone but my personal life, and I know that really don't matter to anyone but me, and it seldom bothers me, much.  
See you when I see you, and you will be 'seen' .

R

Vacation

Well, I am at the end of my vacation.. about 1000 miles to go to get home.
Well deserved, dreadfully needed, way too expensive.
Just had to be done. Drove over 3000 miles at the halfway point. Visited a few old friends, and fought the heat in my new car with the busted air conditioning - damn hwy raccoon - no one has the part I need and it is gonna cost $800 to replace.
So, driving the last day of the past 14 without.

Nice thing, I re-affirmed a past friendship, determined the status of a couple other friendships, drove...my relaxer.. swam,  taught my daughter how to swim.

So all in all I should be ready to go back to the grindstone.   More later..

Vacation..

Tis the season.. actually very overdue. Got to get out of town.
Put in the time, did all the work, time to take a little time..for me and my sanity.
I have been thru a bit in the past year. Work and people, being taken advantage and for granted. All in a days work.
Gonna go see the sights, and visit the family.
Should be a good way to spend MY money.
Already bought a new (er) car. And time to 'be' instead of work, work, work.. getting to old to be working myself to death.
Got to make time for me and to be with my daughter, just got to do it before its too late.
ISTBA!  

R

Next!

Well, who can I piss off this week?  It's early yet, not even Tuesday.. the closer I get to vacation the more cranky I get.  Warning to those who may not know any better.. I may not think about you, if you piss me off, you probably won't like the way I react.

On an up note.. I got to talk to a friend in New England tonight, and was able to summarize the last few years, and cleared a bit out of my head that has been stuck in there. Sometimes you just have to talk.

Thanks for listening.

That being said.. I cant wait to get behind the wheel for a few days to drive out the rest of the demons.
It used to work when I was a kid.. I am hoping it helps now.

Got a lot in my future, months of deadlines and projects to keep up with, maybe this will keep me from hurting someone.. although I am tired of taking crap from work, I need to keep going forward and see if it amounts to anything...

The past few weeks of wasted effort will go into that box of unused items.. hopefully it wasn't all wasted and I hope to at least have gained a friend..but probably just another person that has moved on and bruised my ego.

Flattery don't get you anywhere..trust me.. ISTBA!!

Where to start..

G'nite,

R

Weather and vacations....

The last 2 days here have been rough. Terrible thunderstorms and tornado warnings.. rain and hail and flash floods.. 
My mind has been on a road trip vacation. Not much planning yet, just rent a car and drive, plan on seeing places and people.. gonna have to make it worth the trip, don't know when ill be able to do it again, and plan on some real seafood. Hopefully some people will be around and hope the weather will cooperate.
New England is nice in the summer and should be able to spend as much as possible doing this.

;) 

Got to be done..

What to do??

Life gives me what I need.. but it seems like never what I want. I am sitting here, by myself , surrounded by people feeling lonely. But wishing I was younger. Just too reserved, too much a COD to most, looking for the wrong type, and going home to be lonely.. life is what it is.. is it too late to grow down? Being a grown up is not what it was supposed to be.  Least not what I wanted it to be... I guess I have to give in to be a middle aged loser.. life is what it is.. someone get me a beer.

R

I'm sorry...

One of those phrases I use way to much.. even if I didn't do anything, typically I am sorry I was misunderstood, or I didn't get it, what ever it was... sometimes its just to move on. Its easier than starting an argument about what YOU did to piss me off or hurt MY feelings.. if I didn't care, it wouldn't matter.. but.. so I say sorry and hope we can move in a better direction.
The problem is when I say it more than you, then something is not right and I begin going down that road that leads to all sorts of things.  In the end, I always end up being the one who is always wrong even when I am not and no longer good enough.
I know I can let it go, and hope you get it, but history shows you never do, whom ever you are now.. not speaking of anyone in particular, this for once is about ME.

R

ISTBA!

Yes it does.
Did you know, you can be alone in a crowded place?
I am in a mood, funk if you will, not sure what to do about it. It will pass.
A few important things on my mind.
Need a vacation, time away, need to see people that remember me, maybe they can remind me of who I was or should be.  It is really up to me, in the end, but I am a different person around those that care to know me. When you get the feeling that no one wants to know you, you realize they don't want you around, no, they don't care if your not around. 
Maybe that is it, I want to be missed, not taken for granted that I will always be there, to be used and then ignored.
Hmmm...

Third

I do not get the game, never did. Still don't. I guess I wont ever get it. Thus will be alone for the rest of time.. very dramatic. But the truth is what it is..   ' why are you running away'..?
In the driveway listening to the 'pink floyd channel on the radio..
Need to.... if I only knew...damn..

Movies..

You ever see the Steve martin movie 'the lonely guy? ' I just want to open the window..

Title escapes me..

This blogging from My phone has taken control.. I must keep pouring  it. Out so I don't make an ass out of my self.. this sucks so much.. I have to stop doing this to myself.. time to go back to sitting home and drinking by myself.. fixing my crap making my money and moving on.. I truly hate this..  I am just not the guy that can endure this... need another drink!

Ignored

Hey guess what. I can be ignored at home...
Not liking this, but not a prob that absolut can't fix... bring it ..

Yep... this sucks

Here.. wondering what to do or say.. nothing is coming to mind.. don't know.. of course never do.. I just need to to purge from my mind the thing that is eating at my soul. No one to help.. just have to move through it all.  When I was young. I was so stupid, I thought it was hard.. I didn't know the half of it... life .. relationships and all the crap that comes with it.. I am lost as usual ... nothing has changed.. my life is as it always will be.. lonely and sad..

Well, Not much to say, but you know me, I will say more than needed every time.
I am disappointed.
I am not sure who, I am disappointed for.. you or me, but none the less, not excited about it.
You text me and ask what I am doing.. I replay, just finished having a steak.. and ask what your doing.. you say celebrating a friends B-day, I mention it would be nice to see you, and you say you will stop in.  You do..but for no reason, explained or apparent, you don't acknowledge me and sit away from me, and say nothing..

Well it was nice seeing you...

Not getting it..

I assume it means you changed your mind as to why you stopped in, and that is that.

I guess.. moving on now.....

I have said it too many time lately, .. ISTBA.

Good day

Well, let's see if the new phone app works...
So far today was one of the best in quite a few.
I got up early, took my kid to school for a Saturday field trip, went from there to get the grocery shopping done.. walmart is a breeze at 8 AM on a sat. Went home, put away the groceries, made my self breakfast.. fixed the lawnmower and mowed the back lawn.  Went shopping and found my work boots I have been looking for for y weeks, and they were half off!.. then bought a new bed, that I looked at last week, this week it was $50 less! Called a friend and we went to early dinner.. the waitress told us that they made a mistake and gave my bill to a different table and their bill was $5 less than mine and that is what she wanted me to pay!  So saved about $80 today!  So I bought some grass seed and reseeded the prepped bare spots in my front lawn.. then it rained.. I finished re arranging the downstairs and my room to fit the new bigger bed.  Cleaned up and picked up my kid from her field trip, took her for a late dinner and then home. Over all a good and productive day! 

New blog app for my phone..

Ok, after helping someone setup facebook on their phone. I got the idea to search for a blog app for my phone. Success!! Now maybe I can start filling in this blog again.
This is a test...  ...

Second try..

second try..
the new browser on my phone still wont let me post
i just tried and it glitched, and lost the text.
i am trying again, it wont let me use caps or nummbers..
so we will see if this makes it... april

From April

well lets see if this new browser on my phone lets me use this blog.

its early april.. i just got back from california with Lindsey. we went to my neices wedding.i

it was a good time, we both got to go to the beach, it has been a long time.

2012 End of Feb

Well, here I am.
Been a while, my phone does not let me Blog here anymore, something about the browser is no longer supported, not like it worked that well when it was.

I have downloaded a new browser, and will have to try it out.

Work has consumed my time. I was able to go Skiing for the first time in 20+ years. Had a great time. I must try to do it again before the season is over.

I have had my good and bad times in the past 2 months, more new bills to pay and still paying the old ones. Lost total touch with my friend that came to visit. we both got busy. not sure where that is going. ..or has it went?

Work has been good and bad, the 2nd job has been struggling,and they had cut hours, I was down to 1 or 2 nights a week, it did allow me to work on the stuff I had at home, and got a bit of it done. But we are back to 5 4 hr shifts for the next 2 weeknights..plus the regular 7:30 to 5:00 day job...

I am still pretty lonely.. missing having someone who cares that I can care for.. but as always I  am not kicking down any doors..and if anyone was interested, I'd probably miss the signs and miss out, and never notice.

Most of the people I work with are too young to give me a second look, and I should be looking for someone closer to my age anyway, the few that are not 'youngin's' are married or not interested. Since I am not meeting anyone new, and don't know anyone who would help, I am stuck, as usual where I am .. 

Well, I have lost all train of thought, and should go to sleep. Another 7am to 11pm day at works ahead...

night world..

R