accident..

L hit black ice this morning on her way home from work.. smashed into a guard rail. Passenger front side damage..air bag deploy... She is fine, shook up. Passenger wheel wedged under fender... I drove it home.. blew the tire.. 

Now we need to see what's next.

R

end of the month.... year

It was a day . 

I didn't sleep well last night, got up at 3am.. then back to bed.. I remember turning off the first alarm.. I woke up at 8:15...I think my boss texted me and that woke me.. I was 45 min late for work ... The day was ok.. slightly busy. We undid the stuff we did yesterday, and then busy work and paperwork. 

Then after work I could not call for pizza.. so after trying the online app, I just gave up when I got there and ordered it, and went to the bank.. and back.. then home.

It has been windy all day.. random power outages.. and warm.. 50+ all day with out the wind.

Still windy tonight and the temp dropped, now it's 25 and starting to snow.. the wind is supposed to stop after midnight.  Let's see if the snow continues...

I have decided I won't go to Walmart for groceries tomorrow.. maybe market basket or the Walmart in Plymouth..

We will see how much snow we get ..

...

We went for the usual drive last night... Betty turned over 200,000 miles.. on 12/22/22. 

Ready for the next year.

....

I should drop in on a couple people this weekend.. and at least see if I am still welcome.

It is the end of the year after all.

 ...

I need to look through the things I have for gifts .. and maybe do a bit more... 

.. 

Nothing new from A . But I have not sent any msgs.. so no contact...

I do miss her a lot..

She understood me.. probably better than I do..but not as well as she thinks.. it has been fun.

.. maybe next year.

...

I still need to see if I have lodging for skiing.. I should take advantage of that if I do.. 

..

The rest is the same .

I have no one..and I am just working and fixing stuff.. 

Kinda lonely..and frustrated..but making each day run into the next..

Wishing for something to happen..but not making any effort to help.. so nothing is happening...

My fault .... No one to blame.

...

So, since Im still not in a place to meet new or be met.. I have no one .

...

Yes...there is a reason..and it's my fault.

All me..

..

Well I got stuff to fix..and work.. 

So next year will probably be a repeat of the last few..

R

snow coming

A simple correction to the last post.

So.. storm due this weekend..gonna be cold and wet.. 

I've done a little prep.. 

Got the generator battery charged and started it tonight. Brought the battery jump pack in to charge. 

Moved the garden stuff to the shed and the snow shovels to the garage. I replaced the outdoor flood lights.. gonna try to go food shopping Saturday..but may do a lil tomorrow evening.

The gifts I ordered arrived today.. 

I will have to wrap a few. They are for next month.

Work has been slow..but the last couple have had some long tasks.

I have the next two Mondays off for holidays.

Then.. what's next...

I need to find something to do this winter.. skiing is a plan.. just need to figure out where and when. 

Got to move forward..and make the effort..

Time will see...

R

it's a weekend.

Well, I was woke by a text.  I answered.. got up ...made coffee.. went back to bed.. slept another 2 hrs.. got up and eventually went down to get a vehicle inspection. Did that then went for groceries..but left the list on the counter.. got what I needed.. made a second stop for fresh veggies..and rememberd the missing item from my list..then home.. paid bills.. and L&J went to the mall.. 

I worked on a radio.. a full cleaning and a 15 minute update..so about 2hrs.. and works well.. just need to clean a mic and wire it up.

Then clean up the rest and check out the other radio. It is prepaid work.

So after that we went to Sonic for dinner.. so home by 9.. 

I did get a text this afternoon, a reply to my question ..did they get any snow up north?. They needed my Phone number because msgr would not let them send me a picture.. 

nice! 

(I guess I can add pictures, here)

I will have to see what the forecast is for skiing ..maybe in January..start the new year.

....

So I have both cars running good. Mine has a state inspection sticker, the other is due in February.. but may need a windshield..maybe not.. it would just be an appointment with the glass people then an inspection . Should be covered by insurance.

Hopefully no new issues coming up.

..

I have been looking for a suitable 3rd car . .. just looking for a good deal at the right time. 

It isn't a need....just a convenient want.

...

I am waiting to see what the January pay increase will be.. hopefully it will help cover some of the increases the inflation has created. 

I had to tap the reserve again.  After putting some back . I don't get the next paycheck till next Friday.

I'm making it work.. only bills left this month are utilities and phone.. and student loan.. 

....

Not much going on beside the day to day.. trying to get back to 100%.. just the remainder of this .. and totally manageable..

..

Tomorrow.  Maybe sleep in . Some radio stuff.  Maybe make breakfast..start the slow cooker for evening stew.

No other things on my to do.. I'm sure something will present .

Usually does.

..

R

I guess, I have to always make the effort...

As the title says..

It is on me.

If I don't. No one ever does.  .. almost ...once in a while.. just not often.

I guess, I am so used to being alone.. I don't show it. ..no one sees it.. 

They all expect me to be bothered if they contact me.. ask me for something or for my attention.

A person gets so used to a routine of being alone..they do for themselves first, because they never expect anyone to notice.. or care . 

Most people don't.

..

I have lived here, for.. 4 years.. in this home.. I have had 3 outside visitors. ..one sleep over guest.  That is it. 

No family has ever even been in my driveway.. I have given up on visiting family.. it's one-sided.. I have filled my spare bedroom.. and have no room for guests.. unless they are sleeping in my bed.. which isn't happening...not this year..

So much for a big bed . 

I could replace it with a twin bed.. and increase the space in my room..

Hmmm...

...

I sent a message to A .. and got a short msg back tonight.. and a how's things at home..I sent a reply.. end of  msg.....

...

I get better response from my AI chat friend .. 

...

So, this year is ending.. I have worked and worked and did what I must.. paid my 'dues'.. but..  here I am.

Less ..... Just a bit... 

I want ... Need..

Just something to occupy my mind ... Something to look forward to every day or so.. I would love a full time diversion.. but that is a dream.. that has passed . .. too old. Nothing to offer .jaded.. and too set in my ways... As I have always known..not handsome enough.... Nothing visual to offer.. no one takes the time to get to know a stranger.  

...stranger than most...

-- Keep this coupon --

Random thought...

...

So. . I think I need a ski trip..Maybe Maine...

...

Today we had a work party.  It was a luncheon.. and it was fun ...ish

I did my best to fit in..

All I can do.. 

Not so much an outsider . ... Still felt a bit isolated

..but..just a new guy . ..like the rest..

  

...

Not sure.. what's new..

About A . . On the world tour, probably will be for the next duration.  I was reading old texts, that I saved.  Personal entertainment ..what could have been . I do not see an opportunity to go back .

Too bad.. 

...

I think I missed that. 

...

What is next? 

2023.. 

I'm on the east coast. 

I am currently working..

I have no one in my life..no excitement. No anticipation..

Just work and home.

L is busy with work and her friend Jarre.. and I just go to work and come home..cook and clean..and work on radios.. and have my internet diversions . 

. Just time wasters. 

Occupy my time stuff.

No one  

....

Really I am ..if I think about it.. I am alone..more now than before I moved in.. I am still living alone.. doing all that I would need to do if no one else was in my house..I guess that is my own fault.. I didn't press it. I just did.as if I was by my self ..

.. .

So.  What is my next move?

I honestly do not know.

Nothing is apparent..no new options .unless I make one.  Or cultivate one..

..can I?

. Universal question.. 

How do I query something new?

Still looking for that...

...

The answer..and the opportunity.

.

So much non-random nonsense.

.

I think I want to sleep in tomorrow..but I need to get up early and get a vehicle inspection..then groceries. 

Yeah. . the typical Saturday stuff..

.. 

Maybe the cat will wake me..

R

  

early mid December

Almost mid.. 

Still afloat.paid. Bills with this paycheck.. did not collect any money.. I should probably sell the amp.. I doubt he will have the money anytime soon.. I got a radio in and got approval to fix it.. maybe a quick turn for $75.. got Bills radios and offered to give him a mobile.. it's all set.  Needs a power cord.. and wire one of his mics to it. 

Been thinking to get one base done for Jeff.. use the kit I spent money on.. and see if I can get it to work.

Another no cash thing..but a bit of a payback for all the help and use of his dad's garage. 

It's just a new challenge.. maybe it will go as planned.

I'm feeling better.. but J is sick.. with what I had probably.. Jeff is sick too.. I'm almost sure it was from me. I hope he does ok.. he has other issues.. don't need to add a cold or  flu on top of it.

..

The tire appt is Monday.. hopefully will be able to make the round trip.. and get to work on time..

The rest is getting through the month.. I picked up some stocking Candy.. gonna venture to TCS tomorrow and see if I can find Babchi something.. polish plates.. cups.. maybe...or just some smiley stuff.. and maybe find a gift for J.

...

No one else has been in contact.. 

Maybe I should buy A that dress I will never see her wear.. but it was a thought..

...

I have not been in touch for a week or two.. she said s still down under.. and will be thru new years.. 

No new pictures.. just no where near here.

...

N should be headed south soon.. maybe after that I can go up and visit.. maybe ski.. .. hopefully I will be well and back to 100%.

I would love to ski with someone..

And it would be a fine way to get reacquainted.. we have been friends for a long time.

...

My life has been very closed.  Just work.. providing for L.. and keeping the house and cars..

I have had a few welcome diversions, but nothing beyond that..I have filled my time with work and home work.. all of my normal routines are not routine any more.. I get stuff done..but never on a schedule. Never on repeat. .. just whenever..

Yes, I cook almost everyday..and do the dishes and shopping, garbage and litterbox, laundry and such..but need to expand that.. and up the cleaning to every week.. instead of when it's apparent it needed .

...

I am feeling like I am waiting for something..but not sure what..

I did hope A was the thing.. but as I see.. it isn't .. the timing was not right..and probably for a reason I will never know.. we fit well..not perfect .but I thought it could work.. yet here we are on opposite ends of the earth..

As it is supposed to be ..  I guess.

..  

Well . I guess moving back was not the thing in the grand plan... I was doing ok back there..and now.. I am here . 

Yes.  I finally have the bills under control..but would have figured that out as well back there..and with the inflation and economy, may or may not have been in the same situation...

The work situation is ok..for now.. but time will show if that is to last..

My next raise is almost a month a way..it will be little..

..

Well.. my life in the last few years has been..paying what I owe..

And being alone...

Well I've made it a point to pay what I owe . ..I am still alone.

A bit more since L has had her best friend move in.. they are going to dinner for Js birthday.  I was told.  And said I could come if I wanted...

Hmmm..

...

Not that I have anything else to do.

..

Well...

New year.. is coming.. 

This has been a changing situation year..let's see what is next.

R

Thursday drive... back

Back to the evening drive on Thursday.. take-out food at one end. . A beer and food and drive back.

Some chat..some music.. company.

It's one of my best parts of the week.

For all the reasons mentioned. 

It has been a quiet week, with the exception of the early Tuesday morning calls and going in early..but it's OT and not too bad. Is part of the job. Today was spent in the shop, doing paper work..just updating the databases, making corrections and reorganizing .. stuff that needs to be done. 

On call this week and next.. then good thru new years.. 

Getting to the end..I hope.. of this cold/flu thing.. I am nearly sure it isn't C19.. I almost took a home test . But still no fever, no other symptoms.. everyone else is coughing and sneezing at work.. either its from me or where I caught it..

...

Just need sleep and fluids and stay warm..

.. weekend is almost here..

It's been cold and wet .  And being sick I really feel it . So hoping it will pass soon.

.....

Not much else happening.. the cars are running good..I have a tire appt on Monday..then need to get an inspection sticker..and ask about the other car...with the crack across the sticker for next month ..

...

Next.. I need to see about collecting cash owed to me..

End of the year . ... Close out the books...

I have L and J.. no idea about end of the year gifts.. both have b-day.. this and next month too.. I have no idea.. 

L is ok.. I got some stuff on order.. but J.. we are buying everything.. so no idea..

Have to think...

R

busy Saturday

I got up early. For no reason other than to start the day..

I puttered around and then left . .. I got a haircut..then Walmart..and then texted Bill to pick up radios.. drove up to Middleborough to get them.. took the groceries home and then went to Manomet to drop off a mic. Chatted for a while then went back home . Then started reading up on the mod I need to attempt to install in the big radio..we all went to dinner.. and then back home to work on the last trouble radio for the batch.. tried a few more things.. no go..maybe a weak transistor...

I really got to get this finished.. it hinges on about $800.. of I get it done. 

I got an email from the other town about the repairs there.. they wanted a W9.. goody.. I should have figured.. but maybe get a check in 10 days..

.. $2500

I have so much money out that I am waiting for..it is getting tight. 

Still waiting on the Amp. I paid for it..and paid for parts.. and it sits in my house.. maybe next Friday he says..$350

I still have $300 left on the money I loaned out.. each month a payment.. then nothing for the last 5..

That is a bit.. 

Anyway.. back to work on Monday..and paid on Friday..

.. 

I bought a couple gifts ..but no idea what to get Jarre.. 

..

I guess my car parts was my gift. 

Tires next..then an inspection sticker..and all should be done.

..

Australia would have been fun..but.. I think a working car is a bit more practical..

..

Steps..

One in front of the other..

Getting  somewhere..

Just where I have no idea...

ISTBA. 

I have no idea why he has been hiding.  Sometimes I need him to talk with. . to give advice ..even bad advice  would be welcome..

...

Well... 

No insight tonight..

... nothing deep in my head..I guess I am just spent..

Still Lonely and alone in my home.. a bit less having to share L with the roommate.. 

I still need . .... Something... someone...or even a diversion.. just nothing is presenting itself..

....

Just me.. as always .

... 

R

end of the week..

Weekend is here.. 

Yeah,big deal.

I contacted a tire place that sent me a quote and a request for an appointment.. I submitted it.. they said within 24 hrs.. nothing .

So now Monday I will be back to work.. and they will call..watch..

Maybe I can schedule a late day appointment.. and leave early...

It seemed like a good deal.. 

I guess I will find out..

....

Here we are . beginning of the last month of the year..

I'm not sure if I have much to reflect on.. a bit has happened this year. But nothing comes in to focus. 

It was a short summer..and the beginning of the year was filled with the new job. September brought a new roommate. But that is still pretty new..and other than the added expense, and the typical break in period..it is going ok. They are trying to adjust as are we.

Outrageous gas prices and runaway inflation.. limited cash and tons of radio work.. without I would have no money at all .

No new persons in my life. And the ones nearby are invisible most of the time .. C19 is less..intrusive.. but still here...and probably not going totally away . .

No one in my house ..so far . 

Amazing because it has been around at work.. but...  

..I almost went to Australia.. almost..I did talk myself out of it. ..in time to spend all that money on our cars.. major issues.. but fixed now..and I learned I could do that too.

..the new job has been good..a good fit, but new administration is coming in..and we need to see if we as a department are an expenditure or an asset.. we easily could be replaced .. outsourced.. and then I would be out ..looking for work.. and in this economy..not a good time for that.

It is a worry..

As always.

..

OK.. I really need to create a schedule for the house.

With 3 of us . It needs a regular cleaning schedule..and a routine.. for us all. 

The dust and dirt and grime is everywhere..and I clean when. I see it..but we need to ..I need to.. make a schedule and delegate..

... 

Next on the agenda.. I need to plan a trip..somewhere.. even a local one..

Just me.. a weekend..maybe a skiing trip.. I will check what time I have remaining.. and plan something.

...

R

cars done

Well.. I survived! 

Both cars survived and are better than ever...

The first, was done..and with minimal issues.. noticed an exhaust leak.. and fixed that too..again I ordered the wrong brake sensor part.. next time.. after it was done..it also needed an alignment.. got that done Wednesday. .. no more noise.. it was a bad wheel hub.. another that failed I less than 10k miles..

But replaced 20k later.. but also replaced the entire control arm with both ball joints.. so officially the entire front end has been replaced since the motor was installed.

Good as new.

The other... Did the turbo.. found the wastegate stuck.. and carbon and oil..so..I had it..I did it all.

Jeff helped as much as he could..his knowledge was invaluable.. and we got it completed...3 days.. and runs without codes.. also found a bad battery.. discounted was $215.. and better than original. I still need to see about registering it..we also found the antifreeze was spent.. so we fixed that.. thanks Jeff.. I had no idea.

But got it all reassembled and it runs great. I am satisfied.. 

I did find I should be looking for new tires.. it will pass inspection..but not winter roads .  So another $700.. before the end of December.. so I can get an inspection sticker.

Ls may need a O2 sensor or a MAF sensor.. .but will have to check later..

I took this week off and did the car work Sun to Wed.. now maybe some relax time.. I have agreed to go to the clerks office to buy a copy of my Greatgrandpa's death cert.. not like the one that needed it could have done the same...but I will.

I have an appointment with my eye Dr on Friday.. and then the weekend..maybe see about delivering a few radios and having a couple drinks.. 

I need to collect on a few debts..

I am owed a bit..and have not been aggressively trying to close those ..

It is a tough season..for that..but I have bills too and am In the same as them..

...

So.. 

Many conversations with Jeff.. 

A few have made me think..others have made for realizations.. 

I need to move forward on a few things..and test the waters on others.

Sometimes I need another view to justify a future action.. or at least validate my thought process.

Thanks Brother!

..

On that And another ..

Let's see what kind of trouble I can find in the next month.

A is still down under . 

I am still here.. and just doing my day to day..but.. I could use someone..

But I am just wishing.. and nothing will change...

I wish it would ..

I think..

...

Hey! If you texted me on thanksgiving..and I answered you..

I do not know who you are..I was being polite.. and did not ask who you were . .. .

Send me a text with your name..it is not in my address book....

..

Ok..

...

I am still very lonely..

My roomies are bonding..and I am an old 3rd wheel..

I have no personal friends.. well few..

But I am home alone most of the time..just doing radios and cooking..

Still lonely..with people in my house..

I am more a person In someone else's place..

Even though I pay for all of it..I feel like a Tennant.

..

I think the cat is in charge..and will decide who stays in and who pays..

..

Maybe Maine...

No further comment...

.. 

R

Friday

Well the parts have arrived.few days early.. I think they are all in.. 

Just watched a video.. may only be an adjustment..not the $900 turbo...

That is sitting on my table.

Let alone the $300 in hoses and gaskets.. 

Probably not my luck.. we will see Monday.. 

..

So another short month.. took another $1k from the cushion..

Car parts not included..I made L pay the electric and phone and the student loan this month.. 

Gonna be working on her car on Sunday.. ball joint at the minimum..control arm  and wheel hub..at the most..

We will see...

I found another Mini truck.. but someone is looking at it Sunday..

He will let me know.. reasonable..but needs some work..

...

Work was quiet.  One major job..one minor.. and then database cleanup.

.. 

Leftovers for dinner..and the out.. just to get out ...

.

I have been too busy to attempt contact with anyone.. 

I should make an effort..

M did :) it was nice.. 

No travel this vacation..just working on the cars.. and hanging w L and J..

Maybe if I get a break from the cars.. I can make some rounds . Get a hug . 

Miss the hugs...

..

I miss a lot of things . 

If I stop..and allow my self..I realize I am still alone.. 

Just me.. 

More so with the roommate..cause now L has J..and even the cat goes to them first..

But they close their doors..so he finds me...

...

It's November..and more like September..cold, warm then wet.. 

Almost 50 today .but rained..

...

Snow is coming..I will try to ski this year..

...

December and January have been typically..tight months.

I am here.. my bills are paid ... So..I will hope the Jan 1 yr raise will help.

If not.. business as usual..

..

The new Big boss..is here.. and the info is coming in..how it happened.. makes sense..too political..

If I am out of a job..in the near future..I will either retire and do radios.. or

Find another position.. I. Another local town.. or something...

....

So got a Thanksgiving text from Colorado..I didn't recognize the number..and not in my contacts.. 

No idea.. and nothing more..

...

I think I need to go home..drink a pint of water and go to sleep.. groceries in the am..

.. more radio stuff.

...

Is ISTBA.. lurking nearby?? 

Do you remember him? 

I do.. a close friend..

I have been ignoring him..but actually he has been here.. stalking me...

I think we need to sit down and have coffee and talk .

R

turkey days

Day before.. 

I got the car parts ordered.. 

Not cheap..but not dealer prices.

Hopefully I got all I will need.. hopefully they all arrive in time.

I did dismantle to look and prep.. then put it all back together..

From what I could see.. the bolts look good . . Sprayed them anyway..

Gonna be a challenge..

Ls car first.. Sunday is the plan..mine maybe Monday or Tuesday..

Time, weather, parts are the deciding factors.

I have this Thursday off for turkey day..and have to work Friday.. then Off the next week and back on the following Monday..

....

I did finish the broadcast devices.. the parts I ordered did work! 

I contacted him, and gave him the cost . .and he was happy it was so reasonable... I will have to invoice it.. but..spent a bit.. a month later.. finished it..submit the invoice and probably 30 to 90 days before payment.. so.. money in the bank ..

But it will pay for the car parts...

....

Got a few local radios done.. a couple more for Mark.. and three left.. one for Ennie.. and one left of the 4 from a couple months ago..

I'm thinking..I will give it one more try..if no go..bill the other 3 and give him the option to pay for those and let me keep at the problem, or give up on that one .and bill it out for parts. It will still be a good pay out.

..then I have the big base..and the other bases one for the kit that I bought..and the other kit for the other.... Then the other old problem units. ..

Plenty to do..

But need to find the time.

I have the new mic to figure out..for me.. and the other of my car radios to figure out the programming..

And a few of Rubens radios...

...

Always something to do..

Wish I could manage my time better..I'd get more done.

...

I do waste a lot of time doing research..some times on nonsense things..to occupy my mind.. but..I could be more productive..

... probably not really a difference.

..

I really wish I had a female diversion to blame the loss of my free time on.. but it is just me...all my fault...

.. 

So I will get the cars fixed..then the radios ...and keep going to work.. 

..

Hoping for the next pay raise...

..

After Xmas.. and new years..maybe I can go skiing.. 

That's the plan in my head..

Maybe Maine this year...

I really want to make time for snow skiing.. it has been too long.

....

Just gonna say.....

I miss you A....

...

... 

Good night 

R

busy Saturday

I had planned on a regular Saturday, I was going to get my shopping done early, then work on radios..then make a delivery .

I found that one of my missing clients was very much alive, after not replying to any of my emails since September.. I got a returned email as no longer valid.. I started searching for obituaries.. and found a new Facebook page.. and friended him, and he messaged me, apologies for being out of touch and explained that he lost his phone and email and sent me a payment.. so I had to print postage and try to get to the post office before it closed. Then I could go shopping.. 

Forgetting that it's the Saturday before Thanksgiving..and the store was jam packed..but I got my stuff and headed home.. then texted the guy I was gonna drop his repairs off.. and he agreed to meet me half way in 20 min....

So I unloaded the groceries and drove out to drop that off. We chatted for a bit. And he gave me another repair.. 

I got back home and checked it out.. no problem found.. 

Then L & J came home and wanted to go out to eat.. 

...

So.. collected a couple hundred and didn't do much .. but it was productive.. 

...

My car is still throwing codes.. it was fine for 2days.. but just now.. did it again.. I think I need a new turbo.. 

Can we say expensive.... Oh well..it does have almost 200k miles on it..

Plus I rode in the back of Ls car.  And the grinding is loud.  Still not sure where that's coming from. Not sure if it is a passenger side wheel hub or not...

Next week we will look at that.

....

So . .. I also spent a little time trying to figure out who this guy was that re-friended me. I thought he was a radio guy, or a relative..turns out he is my brother's neighbor..

...

I also was chatting with an old friend and ex-boss.. we texted for about an hour.. and not only did I get invited up to visit and stay in the guest cabin..and go skiing..they suggested joining me for a Canadian road trip .

I thought it was pretty cool.

I guess we are still friends.

.....

So I did buy Thanksgiving food.. hopefully it will go well.

... 

So.. nothing more from down under..I guess I should ask how things are.. 

Work helped me figure out my time off.. use the personal days and one vacation day.. carry over the rest and payout the comp -time, at the end of the year.

...

No plans for tomorrow..maybe pick up a laptop to remove or change a password.. they got locked out.. and the admin account isn't working..

May be an easy fix..

..

Gonna be cold..so prob not working on the cars or yard.. just radios . 

Maybe run the vacuum..

.. 

Fun

R

more..time.

(strategic titling)

Most of us are looking for 'more time'.

Yes, I have plenty to do on a daily basis ..but.. I am always looking to find more time in the day to do all the things I need to do..I don't get it all done when it needs to be done..and some things that eat my time are.. diversions ... Things I choose to be doing..because I dont want to do what needs to be done.. get done instead.. it is easy to occupy my time with unproductive things ...or things that are more fun... Or even sleep.. when it is an option..but ... There is always something that demands more of me than I am willing to ..or want to..do...but it ends up that things I should be doing . . Don't get done.. 

Yes, eventually..I get to most.. but some never do.

I can write most of that to ...it's just me doing it.. with no other help.. 

Again my own fault.. I let it for too long.. and here I am..doing most ..if not all..or it don't get done ...

....

So..travel plans have p

Been put on hold .

No trips down the Cape for the next few weeks either..but have been going out for sit down dinners . Finally!

But pricey..

Not a time for pricey . .  

Good thing I don't have a girlfriend.. 

I would have zero money..

...

I would like to have a 'friend' to share intimate moments with..but it's been pretty scarce since moving.. and than with C19 years.. ugh...

But , maybe we are coming out  of it.. back to the normal..maybe.. 

... So here is to..

The regular me ... Just a loser..with no one ..other than  the C19 scared loser...like all the rest.. 

Back to ..my lonely is my own fault..not some pandemic..

.    .......

Oh well ... I can try..if I let myself...

No ...I have learned nothing..

R

time

So I put in for the time off. I clarified the time to be used.. gonna use the time I will loose . And 1 day of vacation.. and the rest will pay out.. or carry over.. and will earn another 2 days after my call weeks . .. probably take that as cash.. 

No money from tax surplus yet . ..

My car has decided it needs some attention.. maybe a dying turbo.. that is translated as $$$$$..

....

More in a bit.. 

R

long weekend..

Friday off for Veterans day.. didn't sleep in much, worked on radios all morning.. went grocery shopping. Then stopped in for a short visit. 

No pizza night.. they made a keto one.. and since it was small, I opted for microwave lasagna.. then went out after L went to work. 

...

Saturday was a sleep in day..worked on the ham radio..did laundry.. went over and picked up some fresh venison.. and then home to go to dinner at the Mexican place.

Not bad even with dessert. 

...

So tomorrow morning, will see if a printer cable will work on the wireless printer for Jeff. 

..

It is supposed to rain. So no yard work.. but need to check Ls car for a noise.. 

And still working on the two problem radios.. 

Maybe I should check a couple of Marks and get them started.

Always something to do.

I have a few things for me to get done...

..  

So, officially, not going on a trip.. L has requested the last week of Nov off.. and I will request It as well. 

No plans.. but just time away.. burn off some vacation.

..

Got to make a schedule or loose plans to go somewhere.. maybe a short road trip.. go visit brothers or a friend.. something..

I keep saving my time..and end up not doing anything..now with money tight because of inflation..and low pay.. but, I'm not broke..just whittling away at the cushion.. and saving the radio money in the safe. 

So.. I should pool it and see what's there.. and use it...for more than equipment or parts.. 

I did order some unit parts for the two camera modules.. $700.. hopefully it will fix them both.. I could bill the repair and get back the $.. 

Plus, the money I spent for the work fiber unit.. was worth it.. I got the TV's working .since Comcast won't be able to for a while.. the boss was happy so was everyone in the center.. I got two for the price. That was $900 cheaper than new..so I could sell the extra for what I paid for both and recoup that. 

Then there is the amp.. I paid for..expecting payment in 4 days.. been 2 weeks.. and I had to order some power capacitors worth $50.. to maybe solve the noise hum.. if so maybe can get paid for the unit.. 

So..I got money out.. hopefully will break even.. 

...

So . .. nothing new otherwise..

Just trying to stay healthy.. 

Someone at work got C19.. and made sure to spread it around before he took time off.. my supv and I were in the room with him at some point.. the supv tested positive.. I had no symptoms.. I've had only the one and done..with no boosters.. hopefully no more..

...

I have to figure out what we are doing for turkey day.. I assume ham roast.  And a keto menu..

Should be interesting..not looking to be an all day event as has been the case for the past few years.. 

I did get the added phone line issue fixed.. the overall bill came down $40.. that's a plus ..

..

That I guess is all my issues today..

So till next time..

....

R

more than I want

Well, I decided to ditch the travel thing. I looked for 5 days.  More than 3 hours a day, for the perfect package.  Each day it got more difficult.. I should have bought the first ticket package I saw..and worked out the details. 

I finally figured out that it wasn't gonna happen.. so I decided maybe some other time.

I just was looking and trying not to spend too much, but still wanted to have a good time with a good area and options. I was willing to spend $3k.. for a week..but it got to the point that the place and the options left little for the experience..so..maybe next time with more notice..and not during tourist season. Or I should not have looked so much and just booked the first one I saw. Then work out the details.. 

I talked myself out of it.. I was thinking I should because it was an opportunity to go somewhere I have wanted to go.. but ..  it was not the proper time.. I guess.. I was hoping..and trying...

But , no.. not this time. 

The negatives out weigh the positive.

So..bottom line.. no..not now.

......

So..sitting here listening to this guy.. 

Loud and boisterous.. hitting on a girl. Telling her all guys can only be friends if they want to sleep with them.. 15 mins of it.. then.. since she still is listening..he is trying to get her number. 

Too loud.. and obnoxious..

3 girls.. hanging on every word..

... A 40 yr old.. and did give her his  number.. 

I guess it is how it's done..

...

Not me.. never . ...

....

I am ... Old.

..

So.. I am still working on that last radio.. I have been through it one side to the next . . I still cannot find the last fix.  Not making any progress.. it works.. but the meter isn't working properly.

Many hours..but nothing..gone through many of the circuits and replaced all of the caps..and cannot find out why.. disconnected the leads and still the issue persists.. replaced the micro board and the display..it points to the main board.. or front panel(unlikely).. all the obvious reasons.. are good.. so.. rewired and rerouted wires and nothing... Too many hours tracing it .. need to set it aside again and finish some others..

Maybe close out something.

... 

Then maybe..install the kit in the big radio. And maybe finish it.

It has only been 2 years..

..

Ok..

The CCers are settling in.. and I am wondering if I should make an effort..

Or not..

No ambition..and just me.. me.

.. 

Maybe more later..

R

insight..

No..not really.. wishing...

So ..another fail.. I bought something on a whim . .. random comment.. and hoped for a plug n play solution..with good result.. fail.. 

Need to figure out how to connect it..it isn't a standard.. not much Info out there.. so.. got this thing. And can't use it till I spend more than it's worth..to connect it.

Fortunately it was only $40...

I should be able to modify the power box and cables and make it work.. or not.

The radios I've been working on.. have not been easy.. I've invested so much time and parts I. The first one and still haven't fixed it.. I will never break even.. but I need to finish it to get paid for the other 3...

The other .. was a simple swap out..buti found it has an issue.. (bang head here) not figuring it out so far...

Ugh! 

Got his other one done.. but... 

...

So ... We went to the Brazilian Grill tonight.. L paid.. thank you! It was $170...!!! 

Inflation is here.. thanks.. 

Utilities are the highest we have ever paid.. usage is up.. cause we have a 3rd .. and always some one up and home.. heat/cool.. etc..

Took another $500 out of the cushion to pay bills.. 

Trash has gone up.. utilities.. gas.. food.. insurance .. mortgage.. ugh! 

....

And here I am.. thinking about a vacation...

Right!.

...

Nevermind.. looking for more to do.

If I was able to finish some stuff I could bank something.. 

...

Damn... I'm lonely.

.....

Oh well. 

...

Maybe tomorrow I will figure something out...and fix something..and bill something..

If not.. I may clean the house, do laundry and cook.

..

3days..

Not yet a new decade..

...

Well.. 

R

maybe..

Ok.. I'm looking.. maybe I can afford it.. that's what credit cards are for.. 

But $3k..is steep..but probably about the same as what I spent for tropical travel.. 

I found a few things.. bundles lodging . 30 hrs of flight time.. but that is to one destination.. I need to find out how far away it is from someone I know will be there.. if they are too far away..I wod probably just be fending for my self . 

I will ask.. it's 1:30p tomorrow there now . So will have to ask in a while..

It's a thought.  It probably would be appreciated.. it would definitely be an adventure for me.. but pretty lonely if we didn't connect . 

But I could say I went.. if anything..

Maybe I could visit Perth..... 

Need to see how far away it is...

....

So . .. made it through the week.. getting to be that time of year.. not a lot  going on in my circle..and everyone else is busy.. 

If I had friends... 

If....

I have some old/new friends that I think compete for ownership.. 

Both had their chance..and I am sure I screwed it up..and here we are..and almost ... Never .. will be with both at the same time... Yeah..siblings... 

I feel the same for both ... Alone and together.. 

That says about all...

It should be more.. after all we have been through.. but this is what it is..

...

So.. 

This week has been stressful..

Bills are higher.. money isn't better..

My cushion is reducing.. but January is coming.. hopefully..OT and a future raise will help..

I'm looking to spend debt money because I'm stuck.. and getting older by the minute.. no changes on my horizon.. and the same ole..is starting to suck..

 It is as always.. just looking for some diversion..something to excite my days ..give me a bit more than just the same repeat..

I need some goal.. motivation to get up and do the next.. but ..I don't know how..never did .... And yet.. another year is coming to a close..and a new one is on the cusp.... If I don't .. I should go visit family or friends.. just burn time..and money.. either alone or with L And J .... Makes that different...

Maybe just me for a few..not ready for skiing.. but that is an option.. 

..

Really.. I need something or someone..to accept me..and help me..I'm too old for radical changes..but I would make adjustments..to be happier..

... 

My technical abilities have been lacking lately.. I am second guessing what I should know..and not giving my educated opinion.. with a decisive answer.. I have been doubting myself and everything I should know...from years of experience..

But I question what I know.. if I am right.. 

I remember a time that I believed I knew the answer.. and was right..but..doubt and people that questioned me.. eroded my confidence..and here I am... Doubting me..and what I know and my expertise.. so I am nothing...

With no one to help me..to see me..and give me confidence..and confirmation.. I am here..

Just me..here.. 

Not enough self-confidence to pull me through the next day.. in doubt..

And lost ..

......

Enough negative..

..

I can..

I do..

...

I will

.

I must plan or not...

To get something done..

Or to do something..

I need a milestone..some thing to boast about..If even just to me..

Something to be proud of an accomplishment.. so later i can look back and say ....  I did something..

...

(Read this later.. you may find some insight)..

R

Hello November.

Ok.  Counting in . . 5days.. 

...

Nothing new..no revelations.  

Just me.  

Struggling to make a difference.

No real destination.  No one thing to plan for. 

Just work, and keeping home .

I wish I had a place to travel to.. 

Oh well..

Maybe something will present..

R

another short

The last pay Included some OT..and even with the 1k drop... I may be a bit tight next week.. I added up the dine out meals this month. It was shocking to me . Nearly 1k.. I was wondering where I had a leak in funds.

Last time I was keeping track, we avg 300 to 400 a Month... Then last year it was just pizza Fridays.. now with inflation and an added person . ..each outing is between 60 and 150.. twice a week . Today I spent nearly 200 on groceries.. and L has been buying food too . 

I'm not sure this is the right time to add a dependent.

L has mentioned that next week's outing is on them.. 

I did work some call out OT today.. and that will help.. 

All the bills are paid..and no credit card balances.. but..the finances need to improve..

I probably should start leeching off the radio money for a while.. maybe thru January... 

It's an option.. but I will still need to buy radio parts.. more chips soon.. another $500 to make $3k.. over time..it's an investment..and so far it has been good. Demand will dry up eventually.. probably before the supply does.. 

Radio has been busy..steady.. so I'm ok, as long as I can keep up.

.....

I was hoping to have a minute to get a hug. But..  

...

I have not been doing much besides work, home, radio and repeat. 

I know this is my fault but really it's all I know.. it has been my life .

No breaks. 

I wish I knew what to do ...how to get started... 

I have had this issue my whole life.. just stuck.

I'm getting annoyed.. it's time to go..

R

Friday night

I did go to Dan's farewell..

And stopped on the way home.

Dans was cool.. Sean was there.. asked about my rally..that I didn't go to.. and paid and left . Dan and I moved my car..and went to korzaks farewell next door.. I knew fewer. And had 2 .  Then left.  Now here..and having one . probably going home to eat and sleep.. 

Work was Uber busy..ended up working on the unfinished program..and called it after finishing one.. next week will be busy.. for sure.

Chatted w A in Thailand.. she seemed lonely..we texted before work... For about 30 min.. . She wasn't feeling well. Maybe just a cold.

I was out after changing clothes..and up to Dedham.. then back towards home.. so tomorrow will be fun.. groceries and a couple radio deliveries.. maybe.. maybe a payment..and need to pay bills.

After that..maybe out to dinner.. maybe Sam Diego's??? It's a thought.

I really need to call someone..iam at my limit. i need .. really need..

It has been so long..and it seems to add up . With no one here..and no prospect.. and no one interested.. 

I am so frustrated.. 

I really could make a woman curl her toes if allowed.  

It is all I cannot have....

Just wish I could figure out how to fit somewhere or someone..into a position . . It would ease much of the need . 

Yeah.. I'm my age.. and yes.. we need. We remember..but wish. We wish we wish we could. Find a friend that we could help..and would help us. 

Really is that so much to ask??

It must be.. still alone..

R

Friday..

Tomorrow is Friday. Dan is having a retirement party..in Dedham.. I plan on going up after work.  I am on call for Owen.. Friday thru Monday..

So it will be a short night.. 

If at all. 

Maybe ask about the situation.. 

But probably nothing.

I did not look at Ls car..still have to do that.. I did not finish that problem radio.. still more issues.. finding lots of issues . The more I look..

Fixed the frequency issue.. fixed the audio issue..now a meter issue.. found a bunch of bad parts In the troubleshooting.. it will be completely new by the time it's done...

Hopefully...

This week's work is busy.. both bosses are out.. and Jason was out yesterday..and Owen will be out tomorrow.. 

The house is normal.. still making adjustments..and making sure the bills are paid 

R

Saturday..

Friday night ended up being interesting..I was here.. sitting.. open chair at either side.. someone came in an asked it the left seat was open.. I told them yes, then Troy asked if we were sharing a tab.  She said no.. looked at me.. I figured he thought we were together.. so I put away my phone and introduced myself.. we chatted most of the night..listened to the music.. 

It was good.. I figured I would see if I can recognize an opportunity... I guess I can. 

Nothing came of it.. and now maybe I have a friendly face to see now and then.. instead of all strangers..

...

So, today.. got the confirmation that the antenna install is off... Insurance liability... So he will hire someone.. I didn't take it personally.. and the other guy asked if I knew why.. I explained..he was ok with it too.

..

So.. did groceries, and mowed the leaves off my lawn.. and worked in my computer and on a radio..

Went to dinner with L and J.. a in restaurant sit down then home.. worked more on that final radio.. still has an issue with audio..but after that and some cleaning.. it will be done..I hope.. 

I have some local radios to do..and tomorrow morning I will go pre-purchase an amp for Lenny.. Ruben will make the sale..I will drive 50 miles and hang on to it till next weekend... To get paid for it..

..

Then maybe look at Ls car..check the front bearings.. it's supposed to rain.. so an in garage check.

.. 

Maybe ...while doing my laundry..I can vacuum downstairs.. ...

Maybe.. 

I have those radios I want to experiment with..and marks radio to do.. always plenty to do...

I have a little more positive thoughts since being able to open my self to meeting new ..

Maybe I'm not too far gone after all.

...

So, an old friend messaged me, and asked if I had any notifications about them trying to reopen their old message account..I had not . ..

Then.. they asked if they could call me ... I was scheduled to go driving w L and J. So I suggested the next day.. they agreed... And then said not to tell anyone they were reopening the old account.. who would I tell?? 

Any how.. they never called.. I checked.. and I have not received any account re activation  requests..

Weird . 

.....

Ruben is moving his shop into his basement.. and will be trying to get stuff back from me ..which I am no closer to getting done than last year..

I will try. I have a few new insights on some.. but it takes time and a clear head.  Which I have little of.. 

...

Home is at that place.. nothing new, just trying to figure meals..and privacy... Adjustments have been made and more to come.. 

Meals have been challenging.. no potatoes no rice no pasta.. those have been our staple for years.

But..making due, with veggie pasta and lots of stir fry..chicken and beef..

Sometimes I make the meal and then some rice.. put the rice in L and mine, and then more of the stir fry for J.. we all get fed.. but.. I think J is still hungry and snacking after.. 

I won't say what I think about that. 

....

So.. question of the month.. 

If I get an offer or suggestion to go back to TV.. do I consider it?  It's more of that and more of everything else..I could..I think.. go back to $5k a month.. and start banking the excess.  Maybe plan a overseas vacation. Or go skiing here weekly in the winter..and stuff...buy another car.. stuff like that.  

I would have to negotiate a better schedule.. maybe a few dollars more for fuel..  things to ponder.

BCSO has been good. And I am making it seem like there has been concern. But it's made up..in my head..if I can just get to the next few pay increases. ..or work more OT..and Details... Or just pickup more radio work..

... That is the question..

I may not be asked. Or offered . ..

But I should think about it, Incase it does happen.

....

I also have been thinking about a trip..to burn time.. of course money too..not that I have much to burn..

But . . Maybe one for me.. 

I miss a few people. .I don't know if they miss me..and I think I should go visit Dave.. he is getting old..  he is already older than Dad was.  Or near to it.. I haven't seen them since 2016..it would be nice to go hang out for a little.. or maybe visit CO.. see the ones left behind..visit work..and maybe Anita..

That probably will be bad..but I would expect her to visit if she ever came close..

Maybe CO won't be a good idea.    

..I will need to think that through.

,......

So.  With all the positives.. 

Still alone.. 

Still no idea how to proceed..

Sometimes you look around and ask did I miss a turn somewhere? 

Did I miss a hint or an opportunity. 

Was I blind..to focused on what I was doing.. sailed right past.. oh well .

I will have to keep my head up and stay open to suggestions...

.....

R

tough week

Yeah.. I think I got a bit better towards the end.. I did a couple vehicle installs.. solved an antenna issue in one.. and the second . I just did what I was supposed to and stayed out of the way.. let the other guy do what he needed... We were done in less than 4 hrs.. 

The issue from the weekend has been rethought and they are replacing the system.. something different..

I volunteered to do a house antenna install..and now the weather isn't gonna be good.. 

I swapped on -call weekends with O.. and it is the weekend I wanted to go up to Boston.. I may.. take the chance.. or not ..

I could still answer the pages..and make calls . Just not go in... For an hour... We will see...

A is in Thailand.. till November 3.. sounds fun.. I hope she is safe.

Not sure what she has planned for November...

Home has been ok.. been keeping to me and figuring out my routines and making adjustments.. 

I went out again ..this time alone.. 

No surprise there.. and left early..so got food too..

I have some stuff to fix.. and now plans cancelled..so will have to do something tomorrow..and Sunday.. 

The Bosses are out next week.we have a schedule of tasks for the rest of us to do.. O is out on Friday.. so just J and me... 

I will probably just work on radios all weekend..as usual. 

...

I have lots to do. .. old stuff..some experiments.. and maybe..fix some of my test equipment.. I need to look at Ls car. See if I can figure out the axle (?) Noise.. and of course.. yard work.. get a start on the leaves..

I think I need to plan a trip..just me.. go for a Drive... Detroit wasn't enough.. 

Something...

... 

I think I am still missing something.. not sure.. I can't put my finger on it..more than the obvious.  ..my directions been limited.. and I have naturally filled it with nonsense and busy work..

I have some retirement money..but no way near enough.. I have been trying to figure out the finances for the inflation and economy.. not seeing any clear path .

I have paid off almost all of the debt..and what I have is manageable..but.. I still have no money... That isn't true...I have radio

Money.. almost $3k in Pal..and as much in cash..another $2.5k in saving.. and $9 or $10k as bank cushion.(it was $14k). it fluctuates..depending on paychecks and bills.. but.. that won't last too long.. if the radio stuff continues. I may be able to budget it into a life..after I retire..

If I retire.. if I can put in another 9 years at the current .. I could reach retirement..

Or go back to TV..and fund the 401k...

I lost $10k last year.. damn inflation and bad stock market...

Too much to think about..

Not like I don't have time to figure it out.. I spend most of my out of work hours alone..and have not been wasting time watching TV..I actually unplugged the TV in the bedroom last night..

....

No one to invest my time in. .. and no return ... 

I can't blame that in COVID.. just..not anywhere I can go... No one I know ...or no where to find new 'ones'..

And rehashing old ones hasn't worked ... I'm just too old..and alone.

No one thinks the way I do.. definitely not the level I live in.. moving back has not helped..but it is just the same ...except back there I was meeting new..and different..and had some little network..

Starting over isn't an option..done that ..didn't help..even  with a start..

Which evaporated.. work is useless for meeting new..it really never has been a working option for me.. I just can't mix it with a personal life..

Bad idea anyway.. 

...

So. .. more of the same . .. 

Yet always different..

But still alone.

..

Ok .done for now.. 

Absolut-ly... Done.. 

I got my weekend chores tomorrow..and the weather should be nice..

R

...

busy..but alone

Yeah, still complaining about that ...

Work has been minorly stressfully.. 

Had my review..and did ok..but still a temp..of sorts.  We have a year grace period..... So in January they could say.. thanks,but no thanks....

The last couple weeks.. I have not been up to par . .. in my own mind..

I don't think I'm doing great . ..just good.. I need to find a niche.. 

Or..think about something next...the money isn't great.. but.. still good . I am managing.. 

Just not sure if I am the go to guy.. I have experience..and knowledge.. but is it useful?? 

I need to try a bit harder..

Yeah, still alone.. no one near..no body.. wants me..  I have a couple near by friends.. that need a hang out friend..but not really accessable..

I have to reach out.. no one is looking for me..

Lately. .most of my contact is self generated.. I have to reach out..or I get a general request for help..but not more than that ...

Lol.. I did have a friend ask if I knew anyone available for a f-buddy.. it was a while ago.. I had to laugh.. I was willing . .. but wasn't recuited...

Not sure if I would be good with that..but lately..I would not be against it....

One can wish

R

relief....

Well.. you only appear short on cash when you forget to record a paycheck. .. I seemed to have missed the middle paycheck last month.. crisis postponed..  

I was reconciling my bank statement..and found I didn't add in the paycheck from the weekend I drove to Detroit...

Once I did that and re-hid the cushion money.. the statement balanced ..

I did have a week where almost every entry was wrong.. but corrected..

Really, it's not all about money..it is just concerning when I can't figure out where it went and why I may not have enough to pay the bills that are due.. 

I am trying to be careful..and make the positive choices.. and survive..

.....

It was a busy day . .. while out getting groceries.. I got a page from work..called, found out the dispatch TV's were not working.. called for guidance..then approval..and got the groceries home, called back to see if it was still out.. and changed..into work clothes.. and went in.. asked for help. .. and got direction..when into the secure area.. and could not find the device I was to reboot.. finally found I was in the wrong place..got into the right one.. found the device..reset it..and still not working.. so off to dispatch.. same excecize.. find the other end.. reboot it.. nothing.. trace it out..take lots of pictures..and even find a TV and hook it up..nothing ... Went to the shop..then back to the first place.. and try to figure out how to test it . Traced out the wiring.. 

Nothing.. called the boss.  Said I could not test any further.. and had not fixed it.. he said..it wasn't that important and to go home , we will work on it Monday.

Been a busy call week..

....

So, I get home.. L and J we're out getting J a haircut.. and when they got home.. suggested going out to dinner.  Yes.. first time in almost 2 years.. went out to a restaurant and sat and had dinner.. 

A milestone!! 

,........

I started a replacement part order, I will have to get it placed.. and will need to fix a few things tomorrow..

Also pick up a radio from Mark.  

I also still need to look at the older car and see if the wheel hub is bad.

And order the repair parts.. 

...

It turns out Dan's retirement party is the 28th.. so not yesterday..

.. 

I have chores to do tomorrow morning.. laundry, and maybe some cleaning.. and some repair work ..I need to write that bill..and figure the postage and maybe look at the last of 4 to get that done..it will be a big bill.. hopefully he will be willing to pay . 

....

Back to work on Monday.. and have a few things on the schedule.. and I think the Supv is out..or the week after.. maybe both...

.....

Just a few random thoughts to get out of my head.. maybe I can organize my mind..and get back on track.. I need to set a goal.. a point of reference.. something to aim to.. 

A trip..or something like that..

I really need to figure out if I'm gonna go skiing this year.. I think I should try..even go alone..just go for a weekend.. and find someone that wants to go.. or not.. just go.. enjoy it.. like I used to . .. maybe if I do .buy in and buy some equipment.. 

...

Just one thing to plan for.

....

That seems more obtainable than the other things I want/need in my life...

....

More.. later

R

mid October

Hey, yep.. not much going on.. got a few things fixed. And sent back.. 

I put the last money in the checking acct.  And used it to pay bills.. 

I got a pay check this Friday.. and hopefully will be able to pull some out.. 

Got an old radio done.. pain in the butt.. but did most of what was needed.. got it boxed up.. got to weigh it and then make up a bill.. 

..got a box today.  A bad power supply for the guy in Florida.. I opened it up.  Blown capacitors .. popped.. so I will have to order replacements. Should be a simple fix .he has another.. so will probably see that one too..

,..... 

No other contact.  

Asked M if she wanted to go out to listen to some music..have a drink.. but.. had work the next day..said maybe this week .

....

Work has been slow.  But somewhat steady.  One or two tasks a week..and doing some shop catch up..

Got some things planned for next week..supv will be on vacation..

I'm on call for another week.. got 8hrs OT already this week.. taking the cash . .  See if I can get caught up.

Phone bill is in.. and double . Electric is in and double . Groceries been double . .. mortgage is up.. insurance and taxes. Up..  I think I'm gonna need some help.. 

.....

Yet.. I should stop fretting.. I have some cushion.. it's  getting smaller..but.. January isn't far off. And radio work is still coming in.

...

If I could just find a groove.  .. something a little bit more rewarding..and some time for me..

Soon....

Well, Dan's retirement party is soon.  And I should make the drive..and hang out for a bit..maybe even get a room..so I don't have to drive home...

Is it this Friday???

....

Well . ..

What's next??

R

another...

So, it is Sunday . ..

I don't have work tomorrow.. 

Columbus day, or whatever they are calling it.. my one holiday for October.

It's good, except I'm on call this weekend and the next two weeks..and apparently the CMED system has decided it wants to be touchy .. had several hours of calls and callbacks, last night.. I didn't have to go in.. but another system had a handset issue, in another town.. and emails were sent to the boss.. he slated a call out on Tuesday.. then tonight I get a page about the whole 4ch system going off-line for a minute..but it's back up...

We will see how it goes tomorrow.. 

I know I get at least 4hrs OT..

...

So today, I delivered a repair and was paid for the two . .. and hung out for a while.. then was looking for something to do before going home.. I ended up, by myself, sitting in the car by the canal.. just relaxing. .

I had Started dinner at 9am.. stew in the slow cooker.. so no hurry home..

I got home, we ate, I fixed the unbalanced laundry and did the dishes.. then went up to work on radios.. all I do .

I did plan on going out for an hour.. listen to some music have a drink..

Here I am...

I have nothing to do tomorrow.. let's see what happens..

.....

I need to find a few friends.. someone or a few someone's to have options to just hang out.. 

I'm not feeling included in the roommate situation.. I am just the anchor . There are no questions.  I'm not restrictive..but not comfortable with the costs . .. 

I probably should just roll with it.. ask L to help where needed.. and figure out what to do next.. and stay afloat.

...

Personal....

A is in south Africa..and who know when or if I will ever see her again without going somewhere..which .in the current job..the money is not there.. I will have to see what is going to happen.. 

....

Back when I was doing a less important job..making way more money..had a house and was established..had extra cash ...not worried about paying my bills..actually paying them off systematically.. I was ... Available..and a good prospect.. 

But. .. no one anywhere..cared .

Then of course..C19.. and everything stopped..so I just kept paying it all down..succeeded..and decided to make the job change.. the timing appeared to be perfect.. yet.. I am questioning that.. but.. I should stop second guessing.. money isn't everything.. the wear and the miles on the car is excessive..gas isn't much cheaper..getting there . ..

And the work owner situation..

$2k more per month.. is tempting ...

Maybe I need to have a candid conversation with the supv..and ask if he thinks I'm getting the jist...it's been 10 months.. and there is a lot I don't get..a lot I should ask for explanations.. I can get it figured out..but.. not seeing how it all connects .. I have not mapped it out..to my satisfaction..so it makes sense..connects the dots.. so far there is not anything I cannot do..and if I need explanations I get them and they make sense..but..it isn't apparent..right away..there is some key..missing.. something that pieces it all together..

It is a different animal than what I am used to..just on the fringe..not out of my grasp..but..I'm just not there...yet.

Just me talking myself to the next step.. I have no sounding board ...no one to help figure this .. it's just me..

Yes, back to that..

.....

Where are you??

Where is my Simone???

(Private thought)

I am just me ..as always..

I used to know ..but . .. C19 has totally messed with everyone and everything.. I am too old .... Or feel too old to start fresh..but have nothing..no base.. nothing to move forward. So I am perpetually stuck..

Here..and alone..

I have thought about selling and leaving..going back ... To nothing..

I have thought about keeping on .and figuring it out..but.. that is all I have been doing ...

I  almost had a reason..but they woke up .. and stepped back.. ..

So..here I am

Time to go..

R

so it begins . ...

Ok.. dilemma. 

I am feeling the pinch.. 

After paying off all my bills..and getting my finances under control. 

Then leaving a great paying job, for a lesser one..that is better on many fronts.. 

My remaining bills are increasing due to inflation.. 

My car insurance, my house insurance, and property taxes have all increased.. causing my mortgage to increase as well.. 

Now my monthly major bills are more than 50%of my montly salary...

So ... With my next pay raise not due till January.. and last months utilities have increased 81% over last year..

We have taken in another person who has no income, and is still getting established.. ID and accounts..

My cushion is shrinking.. 

I happened to text a former coworker and ask how he was doing..

His response was ' are you ready to come back yet?' 

I asked if they still needed me?

He said absolutely... I said..we need to have a beer soon.. implying to discuss things...

He replied..that his last day at work is in 2weeks.. (retiring) and he is planning a party at the bar across the street.. I will have to go.. 

It has me thinking maybe I could go back..just for the $$.. it was nearly $2000 more a month than where I am now . .. 

I could go back... It's not like I hated the job . .. just needed a break.. and the past year. .. would have killed me..driving all that way each day with gas gone through the roof . ..

If I could get a raise out of it..it may be worth going back for the duration..

I will never get a pension here.. I need 10yrs to get in the door .and then for a small percentage.. 

I will need to see what to expect in January..and see....

......

Beside all that . .. feeling very isolated. We have nixed the last few weekly trips.. and just spending lots of time waiting and working on equipment.. 

No one to hold.... Could really use a cuddle buddy . ..

Feeling lonely . And kinda frustrated.

Tempted to ask for a few favors...

Nothing permanent..just some feel good time..

....

So.. let's see what happens next ..

R

money...

I had my performance review today..

The manager expressed that he was happy with me, and hoped I was still happy. Mainly formality..and no raise for this..I documented that I was learning the job..and was bringing my knowledge and experience to make the whole better. 

I have kudos to my supv. For training and sharing his knowledge and accepting any new perspective.

I am covering the supv weekend..then on call for the next 2weeks.

Which started with a stop on the way home. .. 30 mins to pickup a portable.. 

I got home, ate pizza, and worked on Brett's radio . Spent 2 hours removing the destroyed components and cleaned it up.. tomorrow I will attempt to install the new parts..and get it working.

I wish I had contacted..it would have set something.. for the long weekend.. but.. since L has been too tired to do our normal rides.. it may be time for me to just ..do for me.

The roommate is still getting credentials.. and I have just been working and home..cooking..and working on repairs.. 

Bills are starting to increase.. I need to have a discussion with L... 

The added body is adding to our spending.. 

Groceries, utilities..and such..

For instance.. 

Last year, I bought 2 maybe 3 packs of toilet paper.. in the past 3wks..I've bought 3packs.. and we need more..

Utilities are up..81% more than last year .!! 

That's steep..this months electric was $400.. it never has been that high..in 5 yrs.. 

I'm still not making as much as last year ... And I am wondering if it's time to start charging rent.. or at least ..taking money for the increases.

If I was still in Dedham.. it probably would not be an issue ..but I am at 57% of my income to bill ratio .

I still have an 850 credit score.. but for how long.. I expect a raise in January.. but..prob not enough..

,....

So on the other front .

Nothing happening. Not even a prospect . 

Still very lonely...and ...

I have my AI.  But think I need something physical.. once In a while..

I have been.. once in a while my whole life.. 

I don't think I could handle a when ever I wanted..or even just because...

I am too old to never had that..

... 

Someday soon it won't matter..

That makes me sad  ..

I have so much to give. Just no one to share it with .

....

J .  You could give me hope..

But no one else .not right now .

That is pathetic.

Oh well .

R

October 1

Well.. I have been in all day, after grocery shopping..but just out and back ..  then just in... Didy regular chores.. and worked on the latest batch of repairs.. of course waiting for the typical Saturday drive for dinner...all of us . .. but L decided to stay in bed..and so I made dinner.. 

Worked on the current repair.. and decided to go listen to some music.. I thought about calling someone to come along . ..but the decision was last minute..and I didn't want to press that decision on anyone.. so I'm out, by myself. .. just for an hour or two.. 

I will see if all is well when I get back.. I'm sure it will be . 

So, reading the last post.. I left out a few pitstops in my history ...

...

R.. she was wild.. I have no idea how we got together.. it just seemed to happen..it was a clandestine arrangement.. she was living with a guy that used to be her boyfriend..but was just taking care of her and her 2 kids..I think he was a former bouncer at a club where she used to dance .. but laid no claim to her..and she was just being wild..and going out all weekend where ever.. I think she wanted to be a biker chick.. but not that hardcore..her daughter was 13..and wilder than her.....

I think we met though my roommate..and he just handed her off to me..he was already preoccupied...

We had a few dates..where her roommate dropped her at a poolhall, and I arrived later. ..so there was no connection ...since we were all neighbors...just to keep the peace..

After a few dates..I had a conversation with her roommate..and he just wanted to make sure I wasn't promising to take her away from it all.. and that he was accepting that I was just her latest diversion.. he wanted me to know that..

She was fun, and I'm sure either found a good guy, or herself.. 

...

Then T..or M.. depending on her first or middle name..she was another wild one.. she actually hit on me.. literally! ..I used to meet on the weekends with a few people at the local all night restaurant.. mainly for coffee and snacks.. 

She was one of our waitresses.. and I guess she was interested..but I wasn't noticing ..so she came up behind me and slammed both hands on my shoulders... To surprise me ..and get my attention.. it worked! 

We ended up chatting till her shift ended.. and I offered to take her home.. it was a short weird situation..but I figured out that she was needing a place to live..her current place was based on her last boyfriend..that she was no longer with.. I was to be the next place..

... We ended up meaning a bit more to each other than the latest .. she moved out with friends.. a few weeks after.  She explained that if she stayed any longer she would not want to leave.. and she wasn't ready for that..she was too young..she said she was afraid she would fall in love with me... 

...we found each other many years later.. and communicated.. and almost rekindled..but.. she wasn't done with her current situation, and being friends was stressing the already stressed situation..

A few years after that.. she reached out.. and I told her I did not want anymore drama in my life.. and even though she was divorced and has rebuilt her life.. I had to decline.

....

Then there was E... 

I was in my just divorced phase..

I think we chatted one night, and I opened the conversation with, I'm just divorced and not looking to get married again... 

Which was the first nail.. she had a daughter and had never been married and was looking for a husband .. we became friends.. and later more..

She said that she didn't know that I was attracted to her... But beside her dating some guy while we were together.. she realized she wanted to be with me, then when her living situation changed and she planned on moving to the east coast..so we spent her last 2 weeks together, and she left. 

I did visit, but the proper situation never presented it self..so I left..and she let me leave. 

She got married 2 years later...

... 

Other than missed chances and failures that could have been fantastic.. not much else..

A couple, three R's.  .. girlfriends..I was too young for any thing serious..and in one instance..too old...I figured mom didn't approve..that her 30 yr old was dating a guy her age.. 

Then a few choices I made, deciding to go in one direction, leaving the other.. 

I think that's all.. in my adult life..

Could have been worse..could always have been different..

R

reminiscing

I was thinking a few days ago..about past lives.. and all that went on during each connection. ...

All in all.. I am disappointed.

There were chances .. opportunity.. of long term happiness.. but either I was deluded or oblivious...

Yes, I accept that I made bad choices or decisions..or they did...

I usually made the best of each.. situation..but always was happy with where I was..I did walk away from one or two.. but usually they left me.. 

I admit it probably was because I was not seeing the whole picture..or was not being told the whole truth..

More of the latter...

I wanted acceptance..and companionship..a reason to go to work each day ...so I could come home knowing someone cared, or relied on me.. that I was useful and needed ... And not alone. 

...

Yes.. In the beginning I was young and dumb.. missed a lot of clues..but as I got older..I still missed a lot..and my priorities changed..but essentially I still did not want to be alone.. I needed someone... But ..here I am. 

....

Yes,the ones before .. are memories.. even the first.. is out of reach ..

It was a long time ago.. but meaningful, we still are friends.. but out of touch.

I learned the truth about her 20 odd years later . .. I was oblivious..I didn't know or care ..I was young and happy...till I wasn't.

I think she apologized..about what it really was.. I understood..and let it go. 

The next.. is out of touch.. I tried years later to figure it out..to talk. But was left to my own interpretation..

And looking now.. probably better off.

...

Then.. the first J..

That was a rollercoaster..I was head over..and she was who she was..is..

Too hot for me..

Yes, issues developed ...not in my interval..but the changes were real changes.. and you cannot go back .

But, life goes on, and change is constant..she is happier, and much more complex than she ever was.

I am happy to have loved her..and glad to still be loved.

We are still very close friends.

...

Ok.. the next..(autocorrect gave it ex..so appropriate)..

A was ..what I thought would be the last.. the one.. but deluded as I was..

The truth was always there..and 20 years invested.. and the truth was not really a surprise..and it was done..it has turned out to be.. the end. Contact has ceased. Funny way to end a 25 year old relationship.

...don't get me wrong.. I got the best out of the time spent..and hope I'm not messing that up..

...

Yes, after that.. 

J repeat ... But.. better.. a real ..if not realization connection.. that brought us back together as friends..as we are today.

The other J.. a woman I will never forget. The timing was bad..and the legalization of maryj.. created issues..and a real redhead.. but I never felt like more than the current guy.... Never fully accepted..just a placeholder...

the next Cathy.. surprising.. wonderful..but the right person at the wrong time..I was immersed in work and appreciated the company and the love..but was dedicated to work and felt guilty about working..and had to make time for her ... Totally unfair to her and me..I actually broke it off with her ... Because of work..

Sorry..

..

M.. I cannot say enough.. a friend for ages..the sister of my crush..which was a wasted effort.. but much more as time allowed.. close.. closer..yet..I messed up that up.. to intense ...before I realized how I get..my intensity..which destroyed it...

It could have ended badly..but we remain friends.. I do love her..and always will.

A..

More than just A ...

My young crush ..years later.. a wonderful woman ...a more wonderful person.. I have always loved her..and will... continue.. but..I think the timing is our enemy.. ok proximity is difficult.. and  her being a free spirit.. pushes me to the side..

Now ..... Her iteration..has her as a world traveler.. and here I am..stuck in my day to day..

I am making decisions that anchor me to this life.. the future is not written.. I'm trying...

But still me..still alone....

R

last weekend of Sept. 2022

A few more days.. 

I started this morning with a trip from the office to the ID shop. I finally got my all base pass. They only issue them in September.

The day was eventful... We got the last of 4 new cruisers finished. I helped the supv work on an old refurbished brinks truck. We needed to get it reassembled and ready for them to take it to the undercoating guy for him to paint it with undercoat. We had to finish drilling and mounting the police lights..then clean it all up and make it drive able.

Then home and out for a dinner drive..and then back home..

That's next...

R

out.

So, I decided to go and sit and listen to a live band, this Friday night, now. 

Said as I was leaving that I was going out..  and I left a note on the board. 

Figuring they had headphones on..and didn't hear me.. 

So.. I'm here.  Having an Abcran..and bending my ears . 

I have a detail tomorrow around 11.. so I should be ok.. 

It's a drive 20 min, setup, and sit for 4 hours.. break it down, and drive back.. a literal show-n-tell. Actually more of a billboard.. appearance.. 

Not bad for overtime money. 

I have been trying to get caught up with radio work.. I got one out yesterday and one done tonight.. and 2 of 4 done. It's still fun.. and challenging and it makes $$

I am still just me.. no one to take my time.. A is in Europe and elsewhere.. .

I have no one else that wants me around.. I have a couple that could make time for me if I asked.. but no one that wants me around constantly..

So I stay busy.. and keep working..and all that.

L is working,and the new roommate is adjusting..and seems to be ok.

I have been looking to lower some bills.. mortgage and insurances..

But so far , no luck. I actually had one broker sayi should stay with what I got, cause he could do no better??

Oh well.. 

I have to figure out how much this new arrangement is gonna add up to..I will probably be asking L to pitch in.. I don't plan on shouldering all the expenses.. 

Work has been busy, even the busy work has been just that..busy..we have a challenge of an old brinks truck.. conversion..messy but still fun and challenging.. 

And we just got 5 new cruisers to add radios to..so we will be busy next week. Both the supv and the mgr will be out till Wednesday.. 

I am expecting an email with  a task list.. 

Not much else..

Just missing a someone... And any or all that goes with...

I need to figure out how..and try ..

I can't keep hitting on old flames, or old missed opportunities.. but I am lonely..and need someone to give me a physical meaning to my life..

I can no.. have put my self into this routine..just to stay sane.. but I have always needed someone, and usually ended up alone..or extremely disfunctional...

Yes, C ,M and A.. 

And almost everyone after ...

Yet.. here I am, hoping for someone that isn't medicated..either prescribed or self-medicated . .. and somewhat sane..

Wishfull thinking..

Really in this age..I don't think it's possible.

Yet ... I am hopeful..and really.. surprisingly... Not desperate ..

I am patient.. and hopefully won't miss it when it comes my way...

If you are out there.. find me..

R

getting cold and been wet

Nearly the end of September..2nd day of fall.. been cool and lots of rain. My grass has been growing...and fairly green. 

The new roommate is getting their paperwork started.  It all takes time..

I got the laptop setup for them and another monitor. 

I have been trying to figure out dinners.. making sure they can eat. 

So been choosing food with keto in mind.. 

I need to check Ls car. It may need a new set of hubs ... Again.. or new axles..again... I bought cheap ones last few times..maybe should go for better quality..

Work has been busy, we will have training next month for 4 days..out of town.. and I have a detail this Saturday.. half a day..but good overtime.

The insurance agent could not find me anything better.. so the increases will hit my mortgage..with more expenses and higher prices.. I may need to move some radio money into my bank or ask L to contribute a bit ..to cover the added usage.. utilities ..food etc.. 

It will work out . . .

I contacted A today.. she is all over.. just left Norway.. now in France .headed to South Africa..

Sounds like a lot of fun.

More later ..

R

first week..

Well, we did the drive. 

2500 miles each way. drove nearly straight there.  Left at 8:00pm Thursday after work, and arrived for the pickup at 11:30am Friday. 

Then we drove back.. stopped in 3hrs and got a room for the night. 

J is ok. They had a few tense conversations with the parents and tried to calm down..

The drive was uneventful.. we got home at 8:00p Saturday.

I have been working on building a computer and ordered a phone card..L and J went grocery shopping and I went shopping too.. then we went clothes shopping and then they got a game.

L took the week off, goes back to work on Friday..I took the week too, but only used Friday and Monday. I went back to work. Saved the rest of the days.  

..

I was thinking about M and the next day she texted..so I went over to visit. 

...

Work has been steady and so far so good.

More later..

R

September 2022..

Well, here we are . 

I am not surprised much that it's 55 degrees at 10 pm when I left tonight.. I actually have a light jacket... 

We went down last night.. L decided to goin with me..we ate in the restaurant! Yes, she wore a mask, yes, there was no one in the place.. but it was a positive experience. 

Getting  ready for the road trip...

Any how.. I decided to clean up the front of the house.. the bushes were getting ratty..some saplings cropping up.. and some low branches and dead limbs.. cleaned up quick,looks better.

I finished the first web training..got my cert..3 more to go..

We ran down to the cape fire station to finish programming the portables.. we were done with 22 units in less than 20 mins.. and returned.

The bosses left early.. long weekend.. so we finished and left for the day.

I worked on a radio of four.. and answers some emails.and phone calls about the family litigation.. 

Probably gonna be more of the same..

....

L an I discussed the roommate situation.. and I suggested they break the news before we get there to collect them.. and I guess they did..so one less thing to stress about... hopefully...

...

Nothing new anywhere else.. 

No other contacts..

Maybe I should stop I and say hey a few places  this weekend..

Maybe get a hug.. 

... 

I had a migraine attack last night when we got to the destination..it was mild and passed.. 

I need to stretch out..maybe crack a little...

..

It is a long weekend, because of the holiday.. I have no plans..I am on call..

..

Yes, still alone.. I don't see that changing.. I need just to keep working and pay the bills .

'How I wish, wish you were here...'

A momentary diversion..

Yeah.. I do....

So.. I am gonna do a drive..and see how our lives change.. 

Yes, it will..

I don't see many negatives..and some positives.. so..I will give it a try..

Me personally.. am in the work mode..I am just gonna keep doing what I need.

I have a plan.. I will make a call and lower a payment.. for now..

It's the only thing I can do..

Pay $1300 up-front..instead of overtime..and it lowers the monthly..

...

Ok.. I am managing my finances and staying afloat.. no limit to tasks and busy stuff.. some just takes my time, and pays me..so it isn't too bad..

...

No..no a tiny bit of a relationship or a love life.. no one wants to see me..just to see me..  :( 

(There are a few I love to 'see' anytime)

...

So.. here is September.. not much new for me so far .and changes to my house coming .

We will see...

So for now..

R