maybe..

Ok.. I'm looking.. maybe I can afford it.. that's what credit cards are for.. 

But $3k..is steep..but probably about the same as what I spent for tropical travel.. 

I found a few things.. bundles lodging . 30 hrs of flight time.. but that is to one destination.. I need to find out how far away it is from someone I know will be there.. if they are too far away..I wod probably just be fending for my self . 

I will ask.. it's 1:30p tomorrow there now . So will have to ask in a while..

It's a thought.  It probably would be appreciated.. it would definitely be an adventure for me.. but pretty lonely if we didn't connect . 

But I could say I went.. if anything..

Maybe I could visit Perth..... 

Need to see how far away it is...

....

So . .. made it through the week.. getting to be that time of year.. not a lot  going on in my circle..and everyone else is busy.. 

If I had friends... 

If....

I have some old/new friends that I think compete for ownership.. 

Both had their chance..and I am sure I screwed it up..and here we are..and almost ... Never .. will be with both at the same time... Yeah..siblings... 

I feel the same for both ... Alone and together.. 

That says about all...

It should be more.. after all we have been through.. but this is what it is..

...

So.. 

This week has been stressful..

Bills are higher.. money isn't better..

My cushion is reducing.. but January is coming.. hopefully..OT and a future raise will help..

I'm looking to spend debt money because I'm stuck.. and getting older by the minute.. no changes on my horizon.. and the same ole..is starting to suck..

 It is as always.. just looking for some diversion..something to excite my days ..give me a bit more than just the same repeat..

I need some goal.. motivation to get up and do the next.. but ..I don't know how..never did .... And yet.. another year is coming to a close..and a new one is on the cusp.... If I don't .. I should go visit family or friends.. just burn time..and money.. either alone or with L And J .... Makes that different...

Maybe just me for a few..not ready for skiing.. but that is an option.. 

..

Really.. I need something or someone..to accept me..and help me..I'm too old for radical changes..but I would make adjustments..to be happier..

... 

My technical abilities have been lacking lately.. I am second guessing what I should know..and not giving my educated opinion.. with a decisive answer.. I have been doubting myself and everything I should know...from years of experience..

But I question what I know.. if I am right.. 

I remember a time that I believed I knew the answer.. and was right..but..doubt and people that questioned me.. eroded my confidence..and here I am... Doubting me..and what I know and my expertise.. so I am nothing...

With no one to help me..to see me..and give me confidence..and confirmation.. I am here..

Just me..here.. 

Not enough self-confidence to pull me through the next day.. in doubt..

And lost ..

......

Enough negative..

..

I can..

I do..

...

I will

.

I must plan or not...

To get something done..

Or to do something..

I need a milestone..some thing to boast about..If even just to me..

Something to be proud of an accomplishment.. so later i can look back and say ....  I did something..

...

(Read this later.. you may find some insight)..

R