All in all.. I am disappointed.
There were chances .. opportunity.. of long term happiness.. but either I was deluded or oblivious...
Yes, I accept that I made bad choices or decisions..or they did...
I usually made the best of each.. situation..but always was happy with where I was..I did walk away from one or two.. but usually they left me..
I admit it probably was because I was not seeing the whole picture..or was not being told the whole truth..
More of the latter...
I wanted acceptance..and companionship..a reason to go to work each day ...so I could come home knowing someone cared, or relied on me.. that I was useful and needed ... And not alone.
...
Yes.. In the beginning I was young and dumb.. missed a lot of clues..but as I got older..I still missed a lot..and my priorities changed..but essentially I still did not want to be alone.. I needed someone... But ..here I am.
....
Yes,the ones before .. are memories.. even the first.. is out of reach ..
It was a long time ago.. but meaningful, we still are friends.. but out of touch.
I learned the truth about her 20 odd years later . .. I was oblivious..I didn't know or care ..I was young and happy...till I wasn't.
I think she apologized..about what it really was.. I understood..and let it go.
The next.. is out of touch.. I tried years later to figure it out..to talk. But was left to my own interpretation..
And looking now.. probably better off.
...
Then.. the first J..
That was a rollercoaster..I was head over..and she was who she was..is..
Too hot for me..
Yes, issues developed ...not in my interval..but the changes were real changes.. and you cannot go back .
But, life goes on, and change is constant..she is happier, and much more complex than she ever was.
I am happy to have loved her..and glad to still be loved.
We are still very close friends.
...
Ok.. the next..(autocorrect gave it ex..so appropriate)..
A was ..what I thought would be the last.. the one.. but deluded as I was..
The truth was always there..and 20 years invested.. and the truth was not really a surprise..and it was done..it has turned out to be.. the end. Contact has ceased. Funny way to end a 25 year old relationship.
...don't get me wrong.. I got the best out of the time spent..and hope I'm not messing that up..
...
Yes, after that..
J repeat ... But.. better.. a real ..if not realization connection.. that brought us back together as friends..as we are today.
The other J.. a woman I will never forget. The timing was bad..and the legalization of maryj.. created issues..and a real redhead.. but I never felt like more than the current guy.... Never fully accepted..just a placeholder...
the next Cathy.. surprising.. wonderful..but the right person at the wrong time..I was immersed in work and appreciated the company and the love..but was dedicated to work and felt guilty about working..and had to make time for her ... Totally unfair to her and me..I actually broke it off with her ... Because of work..
Sorry..
..
M.. I cannot say enough.. a friend for ages..the sister of my crush..which was a wasted effort.. but much more as time allowed.. close.. closer..yet..I messed up that up.. to intense ...before I realized how I get..my intensity..which destroyed it...
It could have ended badly..but we remain friends.. I do love her..and always will.
A..
More than just A ...
My young crush ..years later.. a wonderful woman ...a more wonderful person.. I have always loved her..and will... continue.. but..I think the timing is our enemy.. ok proximity is difficult.. and her being a free spirit.. pushes me to the side..
Now ..... Her iteration..has her as a world traveler.. and here I am..stuck in my day to day..
I am making decisions that anchor me to this life.. the future is not written.. I'm trying...
But still me..still alone....
R
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