Holiday week December 2020

 So much for a slow start to this month. Here we are already the 22th.. 

Last week was a regular work week, the end of it had 2 early starts.. because of computer issues at work. 

I did get things rolling on Sunday to get the part in on Monday, my day off, for someone else to get it installed and back  on line.. So I guess I did my job.. I am taking the rest of the week off to use up some of my remaining vacation time.  Which with the timing and my regular schedule, I will have about 8 days off in a row, only using 4 Vacation days, with a paid holiday in the middle.

Since the Holiday has been cancelled here at home, I will not be doing much.. 

I did deliver a couple of the gifts I bought to M and D, and had a nice visit with M. It was very nice to chat with another human, and the hugs were good too. Yes, no social distance required. I hope M understood, I do not hold any bad thoughts about the past, and truly miss the chats and company we had. It was mentioned, the we had talked about everything, what would we talk about now?.. well, Everything else! We didnt seem to have any problem, there is so much going on in the world and in our worlds, it is nice to chat with someone that will listen. Here we are.. we should be able to not act as if we were 2000 miles away..

I am to blame for my own self isolation, and the pandemic has little to do with it, It certainly doesnt help, but I have pretty much given up on finding new friends and my old friends dont seem to care. Again probably my fault, for not keeping in touch and such.. Now with social restrictions, pretty much everyone is keeping to themselves.. and what ever small circle they have. I get that, but I dont have a circle any more.. unless you count L and the cat.. 

So, this week,  I need to do some looking around, and finish a couple radio things. Then prepare for 2021.. as best as I can..

Good news is 2 of my Brothers have got through their separate turns with the Covid19. Both are doing well. That is a relief. 

Anyway, that is it for now, 

R 12/22/2020 

Up late..

 I guess I can, because I dont leave for work till 2PM. So if the cat lets me, I will try to sleep in a bit. 

He has been worse than an alarm clock, wakes me up at 6am if I am still in bed.. and is persistent as a snooze alarm..  

Anyway I got a few things done tonight, and now I am getting tired, Its 1:42AM.. I hope to hit the pillow and sleep. It has been rough falling asleep, lately, even when I have had a full busy day. The brain wont shut off.. and my pillows dont hug me back..  :(  

Well, I will do what I can to get this week started.. and figure out early meals and such. 

December seems to be getting a slow start after the blur of November and October.. 

Well, I made it past my birthday, with no fanfare.. a single card in the mail and a hug from L that morning.. and a friend got me lunch, which we ate on the back porch.. and that was it. 

 

My car needs service, I need to go to the eye doctor, the cat needs to go to the vet.. I will try, but I dont expect to complete all of that before next year.. 

Well that is it for this, 

good night.

R 12/8/20

is 2020 over yet... will it matter?

 Interesting thought..

No I do not think anything will automatically switch back to normal. I think normal is a a long time away, and will not look like any normal we remember.
That being said, we need to find what works and make it our new normal. Stop just going with the status that we have been given and make the adjustments to our lives that will allow us to begin to feel comfortable with the new normal. Yes, still being safe, but returning to our lives, so we are actually living again.  

It has been months since I have done anything but work and home and sleep. Not that that is very much different than my normal, but the restrictions to my daily thought, and routine are there.. and that is what weighs the most. I know I cannot just go visit, when I am lonely, I cannot just get in the car and go somewhere there are people, so I can go  and not feel alone..be alone.. I used to do these things. I know I cannot now and if I do, I am not allowed to be anything  but distant.  

I know people that are done, and dont even try to restrict themselves, and frankly, I dont want to take that chance.. too risky..  I catch myself sometimes, even now, forgetting the protocols.. But quickly am reminded or remember.. and I make sure I continue with the safe practices. 

I have had 2 family members that I know are careful, end up with positive tests, So far one has recovered, the second, was just notified.. neither live nearby, and I have seen neither in the past 4 years.  I am hoping the best for them, and those around them. We have had people at work test positive, and the proper protocols have been in place, so no one was in contact, and their areas were sanitized.  

I have been reasonably careful,  although I must go to work and do the shopping, so far every thing has been ok.  L has had a few scares in the beginning, caught a cold and monitored her symptoms and even in the beginning took a test, but all negative.. just colds.  

Still, I am feeling the length of the time that has passed without anyone beside the cat to talk to.  Yes I see L for short periods, but mostly just around dinner time. Our days off do not cross paths except Tuesday's , and lately with the holiday's and time off, I have been covering shifts and moving my schedules so much, we almost never see each other.  I just had 4 days off, and saw her less than when I work. My other friend has been gone almost a month, but we saw less and less of each other the month before that, because of work coverage schedules and exposure scares.. that it seems like that they have been gone longer, and of course, now the contact is less and less as well due to limited connectivity.

Again, feeling very lonely, most of the time.  This coming week, I am working another coverage shift all week plus 1 day. This shift, I will be mostly alone, unless something breaks or someone needs something.. so 6 nights of work isolation in addition to sleeping most of the day, and driving the rest to and from work. 

Even having someone to talk to or chat with would be nice. But , I dont see that happening much. 

So, Hello December 2020.. 

R 12/7/20

More November thoughts..

 Here we go.. 

I have had a few more things to think about..

My Friend left for home, on-time, on Wednesday, and arrived safely at their destination.

We had a conversation of how I appear to them,  what my expectations look like to others. 

I tried to explain how the way it was interpreted is not how I felt, not my intention at all, in fact very different. I appreciate the information, because apparently I am making things appear very different than how I am and how I want to appear to those around me. 

Some of the appearance is colored by their perception of what they expect of me from my past, but I know some may be coming from me.  

It is nice to know, because I do not have anyone in my day to day life that knows me and isn't afraid to tell me how I appear. Sometimes I am so set in my way, I don't see the decisions I make are automatic, and truly not based on anything that matters anymore in my life. Really no reason not to re-evaluate many things in that I do and believe in my life. 

Again I have said, most of the time it is only me making these decisions and most are made out of my convenience, or no real reason other than that is how it ended up happening, and I repeat it, and it becomes habit.  There are things I do, that I do not believe anyone but me would understand my reasons for doing that way, and it can be embarrassing or frustrating to explain.  In the past I would just change, and do it the way I thought they would agree to or understand, or the way they wanted, to reduce any conflict. This can be simple things, unimportant things, but may seem very important to someone else. 

It was nice to have some things pointed out to me, from someone I trust. Maybe it will help me in the future. 

More Later...

November 2020 cont..

 It has been a very busy week.

It appears we have elected a new President. 

We have had rising numbers in the pandemic. 

I now know 2 people that have or had the infection...one recovered one just diagnosed. 

No one in my proximity.. 

I have received a letter about the family property, looks like someone is positioning themselves, treating it like a $1 bill on the ground.. pick it up and keep walking.... 

Because of this letter, I did end up contacting my brothers, via Phone, Email and text.. and My Uncle. 

I am not sure as to how all that will end up. I think that I just want it to be fair, and not for one person to take it all.  

November is here, I met my milestone with a hug from my daughter, then off to work.

My friend is wrapping up the visit, and will be flying home on Wednesday. 

Then it will back to work and isolation.  

I have requested some paid time off to burn up some of what is left, and am waiting for approval. 

I will still have more than a week, if that gets approved.. no rollover, but maybe a week payout. 

I have been thinking about the past few years, Lots has happened. 

I thought I was doing many things the right way, being a good person, helping others, and myself. 

Here I am in this place, mentally and physically, and wonder why everything changed. 

Was I mistaken? Was I not really doing what I thought? Am I really that different face to face?

The last month or so, I have had someone I trust, point out things I am doing, and have done, that are not intentional, but are not how I thought they were. I have closed off a lot of me, and had given up on inviting change in my life. Getting set in My Way.. 

For years and years, I had given in and compromised, and let stuff go to keep the peace. Bottled things inside, to avoid conflict. Doing that led me to destroy or allow the destruction of a few relationships. Yes, I was not always doing what was needed to keep those relationships, but I never wanted them to degrade to where they are now. 

It is difficult if not impossible to repair these things. I have remained friends with people that have done terrible things to me and my relationship with them. I forgave them, realized we were young, and realized I was also to blame for the way things ended. Most are still my friend, some have chosen to forget me. Hopefully some regret what they did or how they used me, even if I let them. Acceptance and inclusion was all I wanted back then. To be ignored or discarded was very painful. Now it seems the way things are. The pandemic has not helped that in anyway. 

Now, I find myself thinking about how to plan ahead, 5 or 8 years from now.. 

It is part of getting older, I guess.. 

R 11/8/2020

 

A quick note..probably part 1 - 'November 2020'

 I am trying to get caught up.. I have been slacking on posts, and hope to get more regular. 

I have had lots to say, lots on my mind, I just haven't been able to post any of it. 

Yes, most of it is my normal nonsense, and is not that important. But I know there has been moments where I should have expressed the thoughts and posted it for later review. 

I do use these posts for my own reflection. I often go back and read what I posted to see what is there. 

Well here we are, the end of October, It is actually snowing outside right now. The election is coming up, and I am required to work on my day off (actually night off) Tuesday, and Wednesday and Thursday, for the late evening shift... 3PM to 12 or whenever. We are headed into November, and Time off is not allowed till December. I have 90+ hours to try to use before 12/31.. of course scheduling around my co-workers, who will also be trying to use up time. With the Covid-19 pandemic still affecting all travel plans and the ability to do anything... I probably will be limited to staying home a few days..

November 2020 ... another year older.. Still alone.  Bridges still smoldering all around me.. 

Interestingly enough, my brother, texted me to give me a Zoom link to watch a presentation from his son, last week. I have not communicated with him since 2013. Later he sent me a thank you message for helping him back in 1981. ..Odd... 

Going to go, for now.. more later... 

R

I have no excuse

Not really.. 

I find myself here..it is because I put myself here. 

It isn't a bad place to be, just it could be better. 

Oh yes, it could be a lot worse, I am glad it is not. If I want it to be better, I need to make many subtle changes in how I let things happen. I did the drastic change already and made the adjustments to end up here. Then I stopped..my plans had changed so I reverted to what I know...work, work, eat, sleep..work.

I had some encouragement and also realized the repetition of my lifestyle, and tried to push through..I succeeded a little.. but snapped back when the world hiccuped. We had some nice things that finally happened and now that time is coming to a close and what to do next and in the months going forward, is what I need to work on. I need to make sure not to fall back to my isolation. 

I have few friends in my day to day life. Most recently, one of my friends who is my age, and knows me from our past, has been helping me see things. Life tends to pull people apart, in many different directions, some will spiral apart never to meet again. You only have the memory of the past, usually colored by age and perceptions that change with time. 

As adults you find, if you examine your past and the pasts of people you have known, and with additional information from your adult perception, what you thought was happy and glorious was not always that. Time and age sometimes shed light on things that were kept dark. Hopefully the adult version of you and them has grown and learned from the then and the now. Fortunately this friend from my past remembers me from then and knows me now and has been helping me see things I took for granted and understand things I did not.  Plus since we grew apart from where we met, and came back full circle, or nearly full circle, their insights on life, the universe and everything are fresh for me. It is surprising to me to find how easily I can accept their suggestions and help. Yes, there is some resistance. My ways have been 'My way' for a long time. I also had many years of conditioning to relinquish my handle on my controls, only to be left holding it by myself. I had to re-learn how to take ownership of my control, and of course went into 'got to be my way' mode, because there was no one to challenge or even suggest any other way. But with a little thought and consideration, I can see their point and I think I am learning to grow again. 

It is nice to be around someone of my age, that has not given up, and is still trying and willing to teach and help someone like me. As I said the face to face will be coming to a close and distance and borders will become a restriction. I need to make sure I don't slip back to isolation. I have no excuse to slide back, I can continue to learn and grow. I need to keep trying to improve me and the world around me. 

I have no excuse...

R 10/10/20

W.T.S.H.T.F.

 Interesting.. Just learned this acronym. 

I can wait.. I am in no hurry.  take your time...

Well, I think i have something to say, so I open a new post.. 

then, it is gone. 

I got home late last night from work, of course could not sleep, and was up late..but got up fairly early and set about the task I promised I would do.  A simple installation/calibration for a friend.  

I sort of planned for what to do after, and did not think it through. No matter, it worked out. 

Item delivered and accepted.  

I must say, I do not know why I cannot allow myself to say the things on my mind.. I restrict my responses, hide my feelings, unintentionally..probably from years of training.. 

Don't mention what you feel, see, want...you may over step, insult, scare away...you think it.. you sometimes even think you said it,  that compliment,  aloud..but you didn't.. and may have given the impression that you didn't care or notice..when you really did, really do.. So many years of being politically correct, being on good behavior.. gets you no where.  

Sure, I am not typically one to open up, even to close friends...If I ever did to you.. consider yourself in a special class.. 

This is why I am where I am now.. yet, with the current world situation, it will not even have a chance to change for what looks like years..  You know.. If you have read much of this.. over the past years, it is obvious, I have had many years to look back and see the repeated mistakes in my life that has robbed me of all but the smallest happiness..  Oh there has been some, and I am very grateful for those moments. But, I find , if I try to examine my history, that I messed up in all the critical places in my life. Either not doing enough, doing it at the wrong time, or with the wrong people. 

When I was a young man, I was very restrained, and had little opportunity that I took advantage of, I had opportunity, just chose to let it go. Then when I found what I thought was what I had been looking for, I was lied to, and kinda like the Meatloaf song, was praying for the end of time.. only to be discarded in the end, 20 yrs later, with even less self-esteem and plenty of responsibility and no one to share it with.  Yes, it is mostly my fault and my choices, but now here I am.. just me.. with no options, no choices.. I keep reaching out, and grabbing someone's hand..some hold on for a short time, some smack it away, some never notice.  Then here I am, making stupid mistakes as always, and when I step back and look at my behavior.. it appears that I am pushing away or  I really don't care.. I am not scared, I am not pushing away.. I am just not being obvious enough. Or if I am, I am being let go.. let me dig my own hole and I will make enough mistakes to pour the concrete in around my feet. 

The problem is, we are too old to play, but refuse to be outright, forthcoming, we refuse to just ask.  I don't seem to have much trouble being socially distant.. I have always been. Yet I have always said I never want to be alone. I had family, and when that drifted apart, I was alone from then on. 

Here we are in this world, in its present state, and fortunately I am living in a relatively calm and quiet location. Just 'waiting for the shit to hit the fan', and who knows what will come next. I had been holding out with the hope that it will all blow over, but now I am not so sure. I think the world we once knew, is gone.. and what will come, wont be recognizable.. so all this above, will be lost in more important day to day life issues. There isn't anywhere you can go to get away from it, it is coming and we will have to wait and see, and make the best of it. 

So, in the end, If I impressed you or not, If my attention or kindness or feeling or love mattered back then, it won't..it will be lost in this .. change.. The changes have been mostly subtle, but more and more they are there.

I need to think about the things I can do, going forward.. I need to figure out what I need, for me.. and stop waiting and start making it happen. I am not 20 or 30 anymore, and no one is going to help me figure this out. The ones I relied on, the ones I chose to help share in these decisions, are no longer in my life. My mentors and ones that gave me guidance are also gone. It is really on me.  

This plugging away as I have for the past 8 or 27 months is just getting me to the next month, still in this place in my head.  

Wow, it has been 27 months.. 

Lets see what happens in the next 12 days.

Maybe it is time to just turn the fan off.. 

R

8/24/20

August 2020...

 Well, August 23,  I took last week off from work. We stayed home. 

The first few days I was up early with no alarm. 

The weather was hot through most of it. 

I spent hours working on the radio bench, not making any strides toward fixing the current problem. 

I spent hours messing with the car, trying to get the radio module figured out.  I finally got the wiring set correctly. and found the module was bad, requested a refund, got half.. and ordered a new module. 

It didn't work either.. a lil more than the last , at least it powered on.. but no connection. So requested a refund or replacement, they offered a refund. So I ordered another from somewhere else. If finally came in on Thursday, and I connected it and logged on and activated it, and it works!

Meanwhile we had a couple cool days and some rain. 

Then back to work.. 4 normal days.. and tomorrow I work a swapped shift, 3p to 11p instead of 5a to 1p..  

My Vacation was uneventful. We took a couple drives to no where. 

One all the way to New York via western Mass. The other down the Cape. Basically just scenery drives, and a chance to chat with L. 

The rest of the time off was just hanging around the house.  I had a few things on my to-do lists but never actually got to them with the exception of trimming the lawn. 

No real contact with anyone. 

this is the way it is.. 

hmmm

R 8/23/20

nothing more to say...continued

Really not continued.. just no more to really say.

I am trying to keep on going each day, one day at a time.
I have bee caught up in my day to day... the days are moving along.
It is nearly the end of July. I have been going in this mode for so long with no real milestones, I am blurring from week to week.  I am paying my bills and buying my food. I usually plan and monitor my finances week to week, by the bills I have coming due and the money I have coming in.
I am fairly routine about this...Usually.
I forgot that I got paid last week! ... Forgot...
I paid bills, and planned on paying the next due bill.
Then looked and noticed, even though I was up to date, I had little available cash in my account for the next round of bills.. after balancing and reconciling my check book, I realized I last entered a deposit on July 2.. it was the 23rd!
After checking,  I found my paycheck was deposited on July 17..
This never happens, I keep close tabs on my finances.
I did not realize the pay week had come and gone.. it was a blur.

I know, not a big thing, but I need something to help me mark the passage of time..
I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to look back on, the past few months have had minimal notations.

My weekly contacts are minimal. Just the 3 guys I see daily at work and my daughter, that I may get to see Tuesday's for more than 20 minutes. No one to talk to, in-person, on the phone or even on chat.  Even this blog has suffered.

I have not been able to have anything to say.. 
No insights, no new complaints.. Back to limbo.
It is a weird feeling.. I don't think my brain is quiet.. I know I have much to say, Just no way to squeeze it out of my fingertips..

Well, I have a week off from work next month.. Lets see if I can get anything done..
I don't think I can go anywhere, So I will probably be sticking around the house.
Maybe work on the cars, the yard and the house. 

This year has left all of us in a weird place.

R
7/25/20

MId-Month

Time is flying by.
I don't seem to be getting anything done, at least nothing to gauge it against.

Alone most of the time. Gaining weight, not having much of a summer. Work, eat, sleep..repeat.
I have been trying to get some motivation to do anything, but it seems like it dont matter much.
My grass at home is nearly all dead. Weeds have taken over, and where they are not, what was there is burnt.  I pulled some more weeds tonight, and transplanted a small tree..Lets see if it will grow.

I have been trying to fix radios, and the car, and other things, but nothing is working  the way it should.  Work has stagnated to the chores that wait till there is nothing else to do.. Cleaning and organizing.. recycling light bulbs and old video tape... The boss says we will be in this Virus mode for the next year, and the Capital money has to be re-evaluated for this year.. So very limited new projects to work on.

I did put in for a week of vacation time.. no plans, just trying not to loose all of it.. I would love to go somewhere, or have a plan to do something, but I dont.. Lets see what happens.

My hair is incredibly long, the longest it has been in my entire life. Now that barber shops are open, I am not sure if I want to get it cut.. Its still unruly most of the time, and its thick and hot, but I may keep it for a while longer.. We will see..

Well, I thought I had more to say, but not.

Keep doing the thing we do, and maybe this will all be over soon.

R
7/16/20

Half Way

It is July 2020..
It has been a very strange year. The pandemic has restructured our lives. Many things have changed, some things are still the same.

I have not had to make too many changes, but the few things I used to rely on for my sanity, are either not working the same way or are no longer available.

Seven to eight months of daily contact has dropped from several hours to a few minutes to sometimes just an emoji. I am not sure if I have pulled back, trying not to over do, or make the isolation changes more evident..because they are... cancelled travel plans and availability, on each end. Some of that is finally changing, hotels are opening again, airports and airlines are going to be more available. Now just need to see what plans will be made.

So..something to look forward to..

I just wonder if the overall attitudes have changed, including my own. I don't think so, but a lot of that depends on how I am received going forward...a friend at arms length? ... I sort of expect that.. Not what I want, but I have history of that track..

Fine, I can if I must. I didn't let 35 years matter, should 8 months and a viral outbreak be any different? Again, I don't think it is up to me, I don't think it is ever up to me.. maybe once or twice...
But only as the last resort. Sorry J and K... it went down that path and that was the decision that had to be made.


I am still going to work 5 days a week, with my odd weekends, and still driving the 110 miles per day to do that. The past few months have been really light traffic, but with the lessened restrictions and Summers arrival, traffic to and from has increased almost to the norms, not quite back to the worst traffic in America, but getting close again. Without my normal stress relief, not sure how much this is affecting my attitude.  I have been reminded that I need to take some of my time-off..
If I wait, I will end up losing paid time off again, like last year, but probably more.  I hate taking vacation time just to stay home, but with the travel restrictions still in place, probably for the rest of the year, that may be my only option. Sure, I have plenty of things I could get done, working around the house...even in the hot weather... Maybe if I took a week, I could actually do some of it...or at least have a really clean and organized house.. or at least get caught up on my sleep.
I will have to think about doing this, really. Of course I have to co-ordinate with my co-workers and with the work black-out periods... I think that gives me 2 months out of the next 6 that I cannot take time, then split that between the other 3 guys I work with.. it narrows it down a bit. Even for a 'Stay-Cation' ..  Also since L will probably be working, Not having any paid time-off, I would be spending that time mostly by myself.. with no where to go.. at home.. Just me..

I think I see why I have been putting this off.

Maybe a few daily road trips, 8 to 10 hours to and from home..? For a week.. Hmmm.

Half way to the end of this year..

R 7/5/2020

Mondays..

This is my Saturday, My weekend, Monday and Tuesday are my days off.
It has been this way since September. I usually get a few things done, fortunately most things are accessible, til lately, but it has been a learning curve all along.
Now it is warm most of the day, if the sun is out and not raining, so that limits some of my outdoor chores. There are always things to get done. My current dilema is my back yard, it did not come back after the winter. Not sure why. Not sure how much I should do. I could just let it be, keep pulling the weeds, and reseed in the fall.
Maybe rent a tiller and dig it all up and roll it out and seed it or maybe even sod it.. then of course I will have to tend and mow it.
I could pay someone to do all that, but not sure if I should spend money on it just yet.

I am not sure what I am saving my money for, but I am trying to save more than spend. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

We live in uncertain times. Kind of an understatement these days.

So here it is Monday, I am sitting on the deck having a late breakfast, I went out and did my grocery shopping for the week earlier, came home and paid bills, then made something to eat.
The sun is out and there is a light breeze.
I am trying to decide what I should do today.
I could work on the car, it needs an oil change,
I could rearrange the garage, I need to move the old engine, maybe get a stand and organize so I can start rebuilding it.
I could update my radio workbench, I want to add another half to the hutch and rearrange so I can get all the equipment hooked up properly.

I could just get in the car and go for a drive, L went to sleep after work, and has the night off.. she wont be awake till dinner, maybe..
I could start with a ride to the car wash, and maybe the part store for some oil and a filter.
At least have the stuff on hand if I get that ambitious.. It does need to be done..
The dealer is booked two weeks out every time I look and never available on Monday or Tuesdays..
So I will have to get it done myself and schedule the vehicle checkup for later.

I have noticed lately, my mind has not been on the things at hand, I have been forgetting to do things, not doing things as properly as I should.  I have been grumpy more, the slightest thing makes me angry or annoys me.
I have had little reasons to smile, and no sense of accomplishment. The things I get done are because I have to.. no satisfaction.

I think I am losing ... hope..
I had found a few things in the past year, things that really made me happy, made me smile, gave me something to try to plan for.. then, time and circumstances happened and now.. it all seems dim.
I cannot plan, I didn’t before because there was always the disappointment looming ahead, and I chose to try not to end up disappointed.  Now I feel I cannot plan, because I don’t know when it is safe to start trying.

My support system is totally gone. I have no one. I am still responsible for L, and need to be strong and supportive for her, But I am doing that alone too.

I am starting to feel all that weight, that I used to handle.
I don’t have any real escape, no outlet for my frustrations.  Little or no satisfaction from the radio work, lately I have been making mistakes there and letting people down.
I am doubting my knowledge and skills, thinking I am messing it all up.
My tools are not adequate for me to do what I have been doing for years.

I have been questioning if I can do that any more.


Well i have to do something..

i think it is time for a drive.. I need to clear my head..

R

Phase 2...

Here it is June 2020.
Tomorrow starts the Phase 2 re-opening  process.
Hotels, restaurants and some retail.

We still have protests.. less riots.. Summer is coming and there is no where to go.

Too many of us have been locked down in our homes or in our small circles.
Some have been able to work though this, but after the work week is done, there is zero opportunity for stress relief. Mostly isolation and trying to find things to do.
Being alone or alone with the same people does not help.

I feel for those that have not been able to go to work for the past few months.. I am sure they have serious cabin fever or stress, adding to the fact that they have had little or no money coming in..
I can see why they are joining any rally to protest or even riot, just to burn off all the excess energy or frustrations..

That being noted.. who am I to complain that I have to go to work, get paid , and be alone when I am not working.. ??
A different stress.. it still must be handled... managed..

It has been more than 6 months since i have gone anywhere.. Plans that were made are now more than postponed or cancelled, they are obliterated.
I have no where to go, no one to see..
I want to go.. anywhere, but where..
it is just too soon.
will it ever be the time again?
I think I may have just ended up.. in this place.. this frame of mind..
because it will never be the same , never be better than  what I have right now.

sad.

If it gets any worse, I am not sure what to do.. If the changes stay the way they are.. or only change back a little, I think we are in for a rough few years..
My past 6 months have changed.. my attitude, and ambition is very different than 3 months ago.. and I am seeing many mistakes..
Some I can fix, some not.. I know there are some I have not even noticed yet..

I have no adults near my age or mentality to confide in.. I did... but they are out of reach or gone, or on the other side of that burned bridge..
or trapped in a place that has little or no steady contact.

Summer is nearly here.. and the country is in a grip of this post pandemic/protesting/craze..
No where safe to go or be beside right at home.

Well, I will keep plugging away.. work when I can, get my chores done when I dont work... See if I can find a friend to listen..converse with.. listen to..

Hope for change, and some form of normal..

be safe..

R

I am....

I am a pest.
I can be annoying.
I don’t give up easily.
I am varied but selective in my choices.
I am often wrong.
I can be persistent.
I doubt my choices often.

When I get to this place.. where I doubt everything I thought I knew..
I find it is a sticky place.. I get stuck waiting to see if I am wrong yet again..
You know, wrong that I am wrong..
Wrong that I misinterpreted that I misinterpreted something..
I usually hope that I am wron that I am wrong..

I don’t want to be wrong, especially twice.. about the same thing..
More often than not, I end up being wrong ... somewhere..

I do get into those places that everything is right for me..the key part of that phrase is ‘for me’..
When I am there, I don’t want to be anywhere else. I usually will do all I can to stay there.
I will be persistent, and pesky, and sweet and loving, and I am so sure, very annoying.
Which in it self can be felt as sweet.. until it is not.

Then all the rest slides into place and I become wrong.
It is when I start to notice that i am wrong, that I panic.. and I usually make it worse..

It becomes a place where I need to figure out if I have any chance of saving any part, or if I am wrong about being wrong, and it is all in my head.

Sometimes it is..sometimes not.
Usually anything I do only makes the situation worse and I start to wonder if i should pull away and see if anything pulls back.. If not, I wait..
‘the waiting is the hardest part’... because all the rest of the doubts and stress comes with it.
I could never be a game player, because I would not know when it was time to bluff or put all the cards on the table. I end up panicking, and try to save the drowning man..or give up and sink into the depths.. until I have made a choice which way I should handle it, I usually only make it worse.. and do too much or too little of the wrong thing..

In my world there usually isn’t an good place for long.. unless it is all in my head.

I am really too old to be needing to worry about where I am in this life..
I feel i was always too old for that, and wanted to just live it with as little stress and help those around me to be stress free too.. especially those that chose to be around me, that I did not have to beg to be there, or were forced to be in my life, by some choice eithe I made or them.

Yet, here I am.. I am me.. and still .. as always, alone.

Thankfully, with careful effort, I have filled my life with things I need to do, things i want to do, everyday. If I don’t take too much time to sit and ponder my situation, view it from a way away, it looks pretty good.

I don’t have crushing debt, I have a place to sleep, I have a job, and food to eat.
it could be a lot worse.
So pardon me for complaining..but a this point in my life..hell, any point in my life, I thought it would be much different.. so far it has not lived up to any expectation i have ever had.
Not that I have not tried to make my life better, oh I have tried, and in most cases succedded . I won’t say that I am unhappy, just disappointed .

The device I am entering this on is acting up so I will end this thought here..

I miss you.

R

End of May 2020

Here we are, still doing what we must. It is starting to get warm, even the nights are warming up. It is still raining now and then, but most days are warm.
Work is as it has been, some days we are full on and have way too much to do, others are easier.

My social status is about the same, I did get a visit from another guy looking to get out of the house. He stopped by to pickup a repaired radio.
It is the end of May, I do not know how many days it has been.. I don’ t really want to count. I do not see this going back to normal. It will be different from now on.
L got tested, because she was questioned before work and had a scratchy throat, probably from a cold, but could not go back to work till she got proof.  The test was negative, and she resumed work.

Her car still needs to go back to the dealer to clear out an engine code, not the thermostat I changed, but the sensor the dealer said needed to be changed.

I did get my inspection sticker for my car, but still need to schedule maintenance.. I am 5ooo miles over the service interval.

The daily drive to and from work is starting to get more congested. It wont be long before we are back to the typical slowdowns and traffic jams.

I still have radios coming in. I just finished three, and the guy was upset cause one still had an issue and the other two seemed weaker.. he sent all three back. I fixed the one, the others don’t have anything wrong with them. I was gonna just send them back and fully refund his payment.. but I think I explained to him reasonably why they are tuned properly now as he requested.  I will still lose money for two ways shipping.

I have tried to stay positive through all this time, and keeping to the same old routine, slightly modified, is all I can do.
It is funny, two years ago, I found my old friend, and was happy to spend a little amount of time with them, because I knew they no longer lived in the USA, and would be going home soon with no real reason to return.  That was that, and thirty-five years ago was a long time. No making up for lost time, no need to get too attached.
Then they came back last year for another visit, and explained they realized they should visit once a year to see family that is still here.
We got to spend a bit more time together, but I was told their travel plans and everyone they planned to visit in the States, so I only expected to get maybe a week of their time.
The situations changed and it turned out to be a few weeks, then a few more.
I then planned to visit them with L out of the country in December. We did and it was fun. Especially the out of the country travel. We got to use our passports for the first time.
We spent two weeks, and came back. I planned to try to go back early this year. January and February didn’t work out. So I booked tickets for me to go in April... then the Pandemic happened, and all was cancelled.
Now, I am back to not knowing if I should go back to, ‘be glad for the time you got, it isn’t gonna go anywhere...maybe a visit here in the future..’ do not make any plans around this.. the chance is gone and won’t be the same if it happens again.

The current social situation on the planet makes any option a wait and see option.. since no one knows when anything will get back close to what it once was.. no point in trying to make anything happen till this all calms down..

There is a song on the radio.. ‘ I keep mistaking lonely for love’ ..

That about sums it up..

I could never figure out how to be in the right now, I have always looked forward to that possible future, mainly because I have been looking for that future. I tried to watch and learn from others around me, how to find a right now. I just never saw the point and never learned all the nuances of how to pull it off.  I came close a couple times but fortunately they were not looking for me, but some other guy, and moved along.  I was left to learn what I could and here I am.

I have friends that I could spend time with, people that could need me as much as I need them and less... but no way to even begin that.
Fortunately for the ‘Social Distancing’ I don’t even talk to anyone outside of work.
I guess everyone is waiting for 2021...

Anyway, I guess I was able to put some of this down, and I should go find something productive to do before I go to bed.

Be safe..

R

May 2020

It has been a few months,we all know what has been going on.

I have had a lot to post, but have not had the mindset to put it all down.
My frame of mind has been anything but creative or expressive. 

I have cancelled all of my trip plans and have been putting most of my effort in to keeping myself and daughter safe and sane. The current suggestions and requirements for our safety have required changes to almost everything we do in our day to day life. We are both still working, our jobs classified as 'Essential'. I know of others that have had scares and fortunately have been false alarms.
My work has made fantastic efforts helping employees to work from home, We have been implementing new and different ways to work remotely. unfortunately, I cannot work remote, the people I work with are the backbone that keep the systems working so the majority can work remotely. We may have 20 people in the building, instead of the normal 200+. The fact that we can still operate at full potential says a lot. 

Personally, I am doing what I always do, making sure to get to work and back home, do my shopping and limiting my travel and exposure. We have taken a couple drives, but just staying in the car or only out where no one else is. The spring weather is typical, wet one day, dry the next, but the daily temperatures are starting to stabilize. I actually had to mow the lawn this Thursday.

My cars have been needing attention. After L hit the Raccoon on the highway, the coolant hoses were not fastened properly and one got loose after a trip through the car wash, and the next night the car had leaked the coolant and overheated on L's trip to work. It got towed to a repair shop, and repaired, but 2 days later the check engine light came on and it required a thermostat housing replacement. Probably caused by the overheating.. I did the replacement, but the check engine light came back.
I took it to the dealership to read and clear the codes, and they determined the new thermostat was  bad and needs to be replaced again.. So instead of paying them $800 to do that I ordered a new one and it has just arrived.. I will probably do that tomorrow. Its a 3 hour job.. and a $70 part.

My other car needs an oil change and its yearly inspection sticker, as well as its yearly dealer check out. I purchased it 2 years ago this month.

That also means it has been 2 years since we moved here.

A lot has happened in the past 2 years.
And here we are. The guidelines are to 'social distance' ... well I have been socially distant for many years. My circles were small, L's too. So, nothing much different.. It is still stressful to not have the normal options of escape.
The alone time is still excessive, but now it is a requirement other than a result.
I have been working on radio repairs, and a little around the house.
I do miss adult social human contact.. Yes... L is an adult, but still my child and not the same.
My friend has all but cut our contact to one or two texts per day, mostly one sided, ask a question or make a statement, I reply, and don't get a response till the next day.  I have stopped my drive by visits to the other, and most all other texting contact.. other than work related..has stopped. 
I guess my social media is socially distant...


More soon..
Be safe..

R

Mondays..

Monday is my Saturday..
I did some of my chores, made a stop.. Worked on radios, made dinner.. Tuesday is my Sunday, maybe i will vacuum..
More radio work.. Depending on the weather i will try to get to cleaning out the car.. I may need to make a run to the store, the hamburg i bought went bad.. I took a steak out of the freezer, but will need a meal later this week.
I got groceries today but did not buy any meat..my freezer is full.. I need to start using what is in there..

I chatted briefly this morning..
But no other contact..I sent a msg later.

I did finish a radio tonight.. And will start on the next..two I finished ..the payment is in the mail.. I am still waiting on the other twos payment..

I was asked to tune 3, but asked him to wait.. I want to get caught up...
Then there is the April trip..

I think I should tally up the fees and see if i am making any money..
I think i am in for a record year.

All in all .. I think this move is working out..
Yes, i am technically still alone..but..
I am in a good place.
I feel like I am getting stuff done..
I have somewhat of a routine..
I am finding people that tolerate my presence..

Yet, I am still me,
Still here.. In this place.

Just me..

Wish it was different..
But it is what it is..

R

Work week

Wow, what a week. I am tired.
I feel I may have got a lot done...
I made it to New Hampshire on Friday morning, Wednesday was postponed due to weather...was there all day.. Got 2 tasks done, went back to work and finished reports, and went home.. The day was 5am to 6pm..round trip..200 miles with traffic.
The rest of the week was busy, had an end of the year review with my Supervisor.
Saturday, I cleaned out a storage room and swept and mopped the floor.. Built 4 storage shelves, then went on the roof and climbed in a satellite dish, on a 15 ft ladder, and broke mount bolts, removed and cleaned the electronics and put it back together. But never tested it till the next day.
It works,but not great..I have ordered new parts..and now at least all the bolts are new.
So when The parts come in, it will be easier.

By the time I got home, I was burnt and slept for 3 hours.
Got up and made dinner, then worked on a radio.


Random thought..
I hope Doggie is ok, and gets better.


L is stressed..she blew up at a coworker the other night, now is fearing she may get fired.. I hope it is just a meeting with the boss, and a slap on the wrist.. But she can see no positive ahead.. We will see tonight.
Fingers crossed.

I had started booking hotels for the summer road rally.. I did the first two.. And stopped.. I want to wait.. But probably should finish up.. Just to get it done.

I have my April travel done..I need to check and make sure everything is done.
I still need to secure parking.. Save little..maybe uber?
Or just park at the airport.. $$

Connection has dwindled to a short daily text message..
I know..it is busy.. That time of year..
But, I end up wondering if I have hit the 3 week limit...
Some contact is great..most is 'how are ya? ' "I am good"
Nothing much happened.. Luv ya.. 'Connection lost'
But, sometimes the connection is there and all from the other side.. I understand, it is the busy season, and beside work, not much else is going on. Maybe the 4 months dont equal 3 weeks... Maybe I can see how the reception is in 6 weeks. Maybe just enough time to be missed, and see it is still what it was.. Will be.. Could be..

Yes, I know, this summer.. Will be overseas travel.. Hopefully ending up with a local visit..

I would love to extend an invitation for the road rally.. We will see... Registration has not opened yet. 9 day trip..

In the end..
I am still here..sleeping alone..
I see more of the cat than anyone else...
At least he will warm the blankets on the bed..

No one else wants me around..
Same as always.. As it has been..
I am not unwanted, just no one wants me..
Not the same..but similar..

I have work, and plans, a vacation, a rally, and maybe a visit or two.. Money and time permitting..

My taxes are done..and other than trips and bills, no plans to spend..
Maybe car repairs. Or stuff for.the house.

Tomorrow.. Groceries and radio work..
Maybe clean the house and vacuum the car.. It is supposed to be warm and nice..

Maybe just sleep in till it hurts to lie down anymore..


Hey! Do you think about me?

Hmmm.

R

Ugh..

You know.. I like having friends..
I wish i had more.
There are times we all get busy..
We have life to manage..
Sometimes I over promise..sometimes other people change their plans..
Sometimes you get asked to go find a pair of runaway dogs , just get there and find they came back.. Then end up getting dog doo all over your shoes..
I cant get the stench off... I cancelled my plans to help..and may end up buying new shoes..
Lysol..fabrese.. Soap and water

Anyway..

I have a few things to get done Tuesday .. Post office..
Spend $38 to get back.$67
Its a principal thing..
I need to.grocery shop.
Then go mount some stuff.
Maybe go out to.dinner later.

I still have a few radios to finish..and a couple more coming.

Then Wednesday will be my long day..
But it probably rain or snow

Ugh...

R

March 2020

Ok February is done.
I amazingly got a few things done.
I am fixng a steady stream of stuff.. Work is work..

I am glad to find that someone did not steal my new work jacket off my chair.. It disappeared.. But was found.. Someone took it...but did.not steal it..

I have an appointment Wednesday in New Hampshire at 9am.. So it means a long morning then a long afternoon.. Lots of driving and lots of traffic..plus it is expected to rain or snow...so my day will start at 5:00a and prob wont get home till 6:30p and will have driven 200 miles...and worked a full 9 hours.

I have a trip in April, planned, and just got the road rally route for the July trip.. Its all east coast..9 days.. Vermont to south carolina.. I have ready booked 2 of the hotels.. But will wait for the rest..yes..they may sell out but.. I am hoping to find what i need.

I have helped my friends, figure out their home security.
It is good to know that they still thought of me to help.
Nice to be needed, and considered.
Always glad to help.

I miss a lot..

My statuses have not changed much, I am trying to reach out..yet I am back in that work .. home groove..
I always have plenty to do..but no real contact with humans outside of work.. My schedules right now dont mesh with most.. So like right now .. I m alone in a crowded room..
Nothing out of my ordinary life.
I need to.. Something...
I still just dont know how....

I just take the little things I can.. When I actually notice.
Nothing I plan..ever works..ever...

That is why..I am here..right here.. Where I always have been.. I gave up even trying to escape..
Just look for people who wander into my circle..and try to enjoy it till the spin out..and disappear..or become ghosts..there but not..

I have had a lot to offer..to give.. But only those that saw it..were the type to take and use.. And leave..
In the end..it was one sided..where I was the one that invested all..and was left with nothing.
All my life I was looking for someone..something..a piece I mis-placed..or lost...or never had.. Yet, here I am..and nothing has universally changed.
I guess I will still be looking..
I figured out the 3 week rule.. I realized it modifies with proximity..
I can be 2000 miles away..and the 3 weeks equals about a year.. But with limited physical contact.. Even with daily contact.. For hours... Then.. It falls apart..
Much like local 3 week contact..
When I find someone I want to spend time with.. They become who I want to see..be with.. We ..not just them, but, me as well.. Burn out..and if they have other interests..I get shoved aside..no repair..just .. Go away and leave me alone..

I read..anyone can make you fall in love, if they can make you think about them when they are not around...

That is me.. I always dwell on them, when they are not with me... Unfortunately..they dont.. So it ends up being one sided.. Which causes it to end.

Painfully....

So... Here I am...where I always am.

The only thing..
Time.

Welcome to March 2020

R

Add..

A thing to add...
Kinda ..a random thought...

My status..that I dont say..

I am in that place..
I work..to come home.. Eat sleep and go to work again.
Repeat.

I did feel that it was getting me some where.. A destination.. But.. My contacts have slowed..and my internet is slowing.. Connectivity is spotty..
Do you hear me? Do I hear me? Are you responding?

I think it is exactly what it is...

Not futuristic..now.. And tomorrow..is not written ..yet..
I know what you had planned..before me..with out me....but
The real question is..am I any part of that future?

Or am I just.. Me... Hoping for future contact.. .
But .I am grateful for any recognition.. Being noticed..acknowledged..
Affirmed..

Normally..i am the ghost..there but not...no evidence..
Just hearsay.. A story.. Just a memory..but incomplete.

But..will I be remembered?
Maybe..but how?...

Really does it matter?
I am me..
I am remembered for a few things..
Some.. Not what I would wish..
But..in the end..
I want to help..
I want to be remembered for making people smile..and helping people..be happy.

It makes me happy.

2 days.. a weekend... well, my weekend...

This was a busy weekend..
I did get things done..
I had to move a time from morning to afternoon.
I did early shopping.
Scored a free bed frame.. Dropped my groceries and frame and set the tech that came for the work and broke down the old bed frame and set up the new frame. Then went to help look for the proper security system.

Done..stuff to do..later..

I appreciate the contact.. It is nice.

It is nice to be needed.. Appreciated ..

I connected with another old friend this week..
Been here..and finally starting to connect..the reason I moved back..

I am finding that some people are glad I am here...

It will work
R

Ok..so it begins.

I had a text conversation to tonight.
More on a text from January.

I wont go into details, but I did wrong.
I moved house and home, and didnt notify someone who had stepped away, and basically cut ties and communication. For a couple years..
Now instead of being 30 minutes away, to 2000 miles away.
It is my fault that they could not make time to stop in.
Because if i had told them before we left, they would make time..
Never mind that it took more than year after we left to even notice we left...

Now it is my my fault..?

I stepped away.. Stayed out of it after I was no longer able to do more than suggest contact.

I have to make/take decisions to make my life easier.
I am only a guide if it is accepted. If not, I can only make suggestions. If it is ignored, what can I do..?
I always give choices to the people in my life.
My demands are for me only.

If you choose to ignore me, it is on you, if you choose to listen and follow me.. We will do it together.

I made a life changing decision.. A difficult decision, followed by weeks of extra work..effort and planning.
Many heartbreaking decisions were made..
Of course, money spent, and some things did not work as planned.. Some fell into place.. And it all happened..and eventually worked out.

My situation is similar, yet very different.
Many positive changes, some others will take time..

But, this is better for me and L.
She is much happier.
After a few bumps, I am too.

So, come at me, after all this, and blame me, because I didnt give you a chance to fix something you broke, then ignored for many years..
I tried when I had a say..
But now I am the bad guy?
I kept the same phone number up till this year..
To stay connected.. I informed you i cancelled.that number, and got shit for it.. Really?
I did not need to.. I wasnt hiding.. I just took an opportunity and left.. I asked if L wanted to come. She had a choice.

We struggled, and found our place..
And we continue to build on it..
We each have things we do..
Independant of each other..
And we are functional.. And growing.

I am old.. Getting older each day..
I have little to pass on, but we are making it matter.

Responsibility is being learned, and I try to encourage independance... And less depending on Dad..
Little by little it is working.

Life is very different now than it was years ago..when I was a young adult. But I will help where I can, while I can.

All in all..

It is not me or my fault that you decided to cut us out..
Me I get.. L.. No.. I dont get that.. Not at all.

The next phone number change.. Will be unlisted.

R

So much to do..

It is what it always ends up.. I am moving forward, getting up, and doing what I do.. Again..and again..
Yet, I plan each day..prepare, and execute.. And do do it again..
I try to make some of it count..
My happiness has always been secondary.. A by product of doing what I should..but it always is there..
Never less than it should be. ..
I have someone that relies on me, and I hope I am doing enough but also not too much.. She will need to stand on her own someday..

And here I am
As always..
I am not a kid or even a young man..
I had a 20 yr adventure..in th middle.. And now..
I am here..
Very similar to where I was before..
Kinda lost..
Not where I expected to be..
Not bad.. Just not what it could be, should be..

I can keep busy, keep moving forward.. Blindly with little or no destination.. It would give me a reason to get up and endure each day.. Keep working to keep paying the bills..
No real spark, no real happiness..just no real reason to.be sad.
Nothing is wrong...

Just not right.

I am ..
Just .. Should be happier.. I should not feel this way..
Once in a while, yeah.., ok.. All the time.. No...not good...

Oh it. Could be lots worse..
I should not complain..

So..I will stop.

I have a good life.. I have a job.. I have reasons to get up each day..

I guess, I will find my reasons to do what I need to..
And I will try to make time to relax..

Maybe find something that will make me smile, when I wake each day..

Just something I need to do..

R

Weekend.. or not..

Well,it is my weekend. I am not working.
I am recovering from the superbowl..
I was up late last night.. Could not sleep once i got home..
Too much coffee i guess..but finally fell asleep, but texts..woke the cat, and be decided I needed to be up.. Would not let me stay in bed.
So, I got up, played with the cat, no coffee.. All day.. Went out delivered the fixed firetv.. Then went to get something for lunch. Then back home, and took a short nap.. It ended up that I woke up 5 hours later.. Ugh. Not what I wanted..but I guess I am in superbowl recovery.. We will see how tomorrow will go..
I have a few things to.work on, but just dinner ..everything else is done. So just get caught up on sleep..
Then back to work.

Maybe I can get past the work stuff..and find a reason to get home each day with satisfaction in my head..

I guess I should cement my plane tickets.. Send another room request.. And fix radios..

I have couple redos. Coming in .. Need to complete the full tests, and keep that good reputation.
I hope the micros will be good.. And maybe a new beginning.. I know I could make some money...

A is recovering and feeling better.. Which is great! I am glad. I hope it didnt impact her money too much.. Sickness sucks..

There was a few days where we had no contact.. And I worried.. But step back and look.. I see.. I want to be there, and see in person, where I am..where we are..
I see, it may be .. Different, good, but not .. I am ok with it but it is a place I can live in..

Distance and time and money..

Plusses, minuses, and reality..

Better than being alone..feeling alone..
Unwanted..useless..wasted effort.. And lost time..

R

Work..

Well... I got burned.
I did it to myself.
I thought I was set.. And the late night, 15 minute test, failed initially.. Safeguards prevented me from doing the emergency protocol..cause it wasnt an emergency..
Once I figured that out.. Just disable the safeguards.. And run the emergency backup..
But that took a couple hours to figure out , and test..
So, I should have called the morning guy and told him to go back to bed for 4 hours...10 mins be fore he needed to be at work... No.. I should have just planned to work the morning shift. As my boss suggested..
I had just worked 7 to 4, went home and back by 1:30.. After a 90 min drive home and a 45 min drive to ..the 7 to 4 was actually 5a to 5:30p then a 12a to 2:30a..which would have been 3:30..to get up at 5..to be at work for 7.. To work till 3..to drive 90 home.. To drive 45 back..to work 6:30 to 3:30?..ugh..it was unplanned..and all my fault.

I should have listened to the boss.. Now he is pissed..
I had to work my shift.. Go back to the site.. And then go home..add another 30 min to my day..no..not this time
Work it..but dont ask for the pay..

So, tomorrow..in at 3pm..go to the site till midnight..ish..
Go home..and sleep..my weekend..
Chores..and such.. Maybe some sleep..

Our addition, has acclimated..and seems.to like us..
Bought a few more things.. Cleaned the box.. And refilled the food..

We went to dinner tonight..then shopping..home..radio work.. Then here..blogging..
I plan on sleeping in .. And then work..

I think I may have figured out something..
Distance is safe. I choose those at a distance, because I suck at the close by.
And it is reasonable to feel alone..be alone.. .And not

Nite r

Busy days

My weekends have been pretty busy, more now..
So much to do. I added extras to the shopping today, and I got confirmation that I will pick him up in the morning.
So I needed to vacuum and move some stuff that has been piling up. I have questions, and somethings will need to be figured out. I am hoping for a smooth transition.

I got one task reassembled, I need to contact tech support and see if they will fix or replace it..
Then I got the remote to.fix the other one, and got it setup and programmed. Got to see if you change registered accounts if it reverts..or keeps the settings..if so, it is done.
Then, of course I have radio work, I meant to do some tonight.. Maybe tomorrow.. More coming.. Need to get caught up.

My friend made it to the Dr. , the viral infection affected the kidney, enlarging one, causing the violent illness. A few more days of rest.. Hopefully the worst is over.

Tomorrow will be fun. I hope it goes well.

I have been wondering if I have lost my place, but I think I was overreacting, Just work and time get in our way, and was feeling lost. Got to plan my time, get closer to the next visit.
Taxes and finances, I need to look at these. Taxes first, then look at my bills and really do something this year to reduce.
I have things to do..things that cost.. But not things I want to 'owe'.. I have some big bills that could be paid differently.. I could remove a few large monthly payments and reduce the interest, allowing me to pay them off quicker. Just moving the bills and the payments around.
It has worked in the past. I just need to find the right solution.

Then.. I can plan that future..
The one I dont think will ever happen..

Steps.. And plans..

Just keeps me busy..

R

New...

Well, I think it is time.
I have been planning a few things.
Some have happened, some will happen, it is time for one more thing..
We went and looked, filled out the application, made a choice, lets see. A couple days, maybe a week..
I cant wait, we will see.

Barnacle.?
Or Joseph.. ?

My friend is sick, finally went to a place hopefully will see a doctor tomorrow. I know after a few rough days, it is about treatment, calm things down to be able to fight off the bug, be able to eat, and drink and rest.
We take many things for granted where we live, and other places can be very different. Hopefully the quality of help is as good, and beside the distance needed to travel, and the differences and difficulty, living remote can add to it, I hope it goes better in the next couple days.

You are definitely a concern to me, I hope it gets better quickly.
You are in my thoughts.

I have my early vacation time approved. I am waiting on lodging confirmation, then I can establish travel plans.
I also have my summer rally dates requested, but that has time for planning. L will be coming on that, hopefully it will go well.

Work informed me, they have lots of money invested in the superbowl this year, so I get a shifted work schedule, and will be working at the transmitter building for the duration.
No OT just work.
Then we are in sweeps.. No time off, major projects freeze, daily support..

The cars are done except for L"s windshield, and.next month is inspection time, so I need to get that scheduled.

I have lots radio work coming in almost daily.. I have 10 clients in progress.. 2 more in the mail.. And a few more pending. I have plenty to keep me busy.

Oh yeah, it is tax time... I think I have most of my documents, I will process my stuff as early as I can. Last year was ok..but not as good as the past.. But here we are and I have made the most I have ever made in a year this past year.. It was a milestone for me. It took a long time..
We will see if taxes reflect any of that. At the least, it will fund part of my road rally.

Personally.. I am alone. Alone daily, and every night.. I have a love, but the daily contact is less and less, I understand it is busy season, and I know how work can leech all your energy..
With L working nights and me days, we barely see each other. When she is off, she sleeps most of the day.. So I am usually home alone. Maybe our addition, our new housemate will make it less alone...

I am thinking about the things I can do this year..
Some things I have to just do.. I know there are things I want to do again, and for the first time.. I just need to do it..make it happen.. Then some of those can be regular things .. If not for us, for me..

Time management.. I think that is the thing I have been missing.
I need to have plans.. Schedules.. Routine.. But to do that I need motivation..a reason..
I know I can..I have.. Mostly it is desire.. And not being Lazy..

Kinda like getting up every day, and doing the day to day..it is a learned behavior..


Finally...

I am in a place..
I really want to be..
It feels comfortable..but frustrating...
The years have jaded my affections..
I am so cautious..and want..but.. Cant figure out if it is a need or a want or if it just needs to be...
I am too old to just try it.. But not old enough to give up..
But, life has given me this..and so far it works.. Besides the off times, but.. I could work with this..
Little doses of me are much better than day to day..
I grow on you..
Some times I get scraped off......
Some times not..

A guy can hope..

R

I do what I have to... because it needs to be done,

It is a interesting title..
But really just a feeling..
I need to do my day to day..
I can survive on just the same old every day.. Just work and do what i can to get to the next day.. Every now and then, i need to find the reason to get out of bed each day, and put my smile on. ..I do, and no one knows any different.

I just want to get to the next day. I need to keep on..

I am who I always was.. Strange as i am, as i always was..
I feel I am unique.. Good or bad.. I am me.
Most never take the time to know me.. So i get passed by.. Those that did.. Chose.. Yay or nay, but chose..
I am me.. I will always be ..
Yes , I change.. I grow.. Learn and become the new me..I age and hope to know more than before..
But, burn me, disrespect me, accuse me of something i didnt do..
Good luck finding me..

This is 2020..

I am me.

R.

Time to get caught up..

It has been busy, got shipments, mail, packages and tasks..
I got the car back, got the correct part for the other, got it installed. Got the warranty replacement unit, that i will either save or sell. Got the plate sticker for the one that just came out of the shop. Got to order a windshield for that one. Got the new phone screen for my old phone and installed it. Got the screen protector for this one.
Got multiple packages with stuff to fix.
Got one fixed and shipped, started a second and finished it tonight. Many more to go..more on the way.

I stopped in to visit someone Tuesday, they were sick.. We chatted, i left,..i got sick the next day... But getting better.. Getting over it.

Work, weather,.. Made $3100 for the boss to turn in to management.. More to do..recycle ..
At least i feel i accomplished something.

I got my first time off approved, i need to secure lodging, and travel.

I did not win lift tickets.. Oh well not this time.
I still need to plan a ski day or weekend.

I also have something to plan for next Saturday.. After work..

I watched a promo for self help videos, and get the feeling i am guilty of doing just what he says we do.. Killing a good thing.. Food for thought..
Also saw one i may get.. I have been asked if i know something, because i appear i do.. So maybe i could learn and get certified.. It could help.
Cant hurt.

So, in the winter season.. Busy and dealing with the weather. Poor internet.. Probably weather related..
Contact, even delayed contact is better than none at all.
Some people dont think they are allowed to say hello, i miss you.. But some understand, we get busy with our day to day, and have to find time, even for ourselves.. If we make any effort to say hi, drop a note, it is meaningful. .. If we do, again and again..with no response, we may stop, and let life keep me busy...

Now and then, we reconnect, and it can be normal..or weird.. All depends on the situation.

So, i keep my contact...i get my responses..
I will keep up.

Plans.. Vacation.. Road trips.. Ski trips..

Lets see where it goes..

2020

A day to follow up

I am getting caught up, revisiting stuff that i started, and realized never finished.

I called the bank.. Verified they got the notarized mail, requesting a check...
Called to.see where my warranty payment went.. They forgot to process it... Instead of sending money, they are sending a new unit.. I guess i will have go sell it...i already bought a new one.

I paid the missing car excise tax from 2018..
Wareham/Onset street addresses and lack of mail , lack of looking at mailing addresses versus residential.... I never got the bill.. But i got to pay all the late fees...

I got my windshield replaced, finally, it only took a month and a half, and 4 tries....

I got the new mirror for my car today..i need to try to get it installed tomorrow.

I heard from a few strangers in the last couple days..
Brings back good memories.
i think the postal service has failed me again..
But, i will survive..

I really care..
Really. I never stopped.
But my history does is not allowed in the present..

What i have always done, is what i do..but only i know..
It really only matters to me. But my conscience and karma is clean. No matter how i am interpreted..

Yet, i am me..i am human, i make bad decisions, choose the wrong people to put my trust, and give my heart to.
But i am here.. And i survive.
I end up in this place.. Where i live, have lived most of my life.. Not a location, but a place in my mind.. My life.
Just me..
No one else..
I still have my obligations and tasks..
Do my day to day..
Yet, physically I am always alone..mentally.. Yes and no..
But they fight each other ..
I am just here.

So tomorrow i have the car and radios to work on. Spend a lil, make a lil.. I will probably try to sleep in..
Maybe i will be successful..

I need to take a few minutes and visit a couple people..
Just to say hi, get a hug..
If i have time.

It is nice when the weekend, seems longer than the work week.

Ok, lets win some lift tickets from work, and go skiing.
Then slip away for a few days in The sun.. And find that reason to grin.. Smile.. And be happy.. In spite of everything else.

R

Planning days..

Hey! Dont slack.. If you are thinking about planning..for future time off.. Ask for it now, before someone. Beats you to it..well it happened... I picked a date..and the other guy was requesting the days i was thinking about...
So, i requested 2 weeks in july.. For a road trip..
I know the dates..but i dont know where.. Till i do..i wont know the extra days i will need to go to or return from...
But, the placeholder is requested..

Next.. Since the close date is gone..so, choose the next.. The timing is key.. I looked at travel..the week before i want..has cheap travel.. If i slide it a day this or that.. I can save.. But to utilize the time to its best.. I end up with 6 days, returning on the day before the black-out day begins....if it gets approved.....
All other planing depends on approvals.

I lost so much time last year.. I want to make sure i dont this year..

I did dump my cable, and bought a firestick..and got xfinity internet only.. $90 cheaper..than the crap i had before.
The return process was painful..

I have lots of radio work coming in..need the time and mental aptitude for most of that.. But it will get done.
Some easy, some not.

The planning is the tough part..
What should i do??

I am in this place.. And i am trying to figure out how to continue.. I think i am comfortable .. I am not..
Un-comfortable..
I think I am ok.. But one never knows..
I want..
I need..
I guess i will find out...someday..

Things to do this year.. Ski, travel, rally,.. Visit...
Plan.......

Yeah, I need to pay down the bills
But that will always be what I do..
I need to live.. And that makes bills

So.. Do I need to ?

Yes, I am reluctant..But I am going to go..and it seems that I will be received..and maybe I can.. maybe not.
I will see.


Tomorrow is a coverage work day..
I work from 3 to 11 P.
That means..leave my house at 1p, get home at 12a..
It is what it is.. I still have Monday and Tuesday home..
Chores.. And sleep.and such.

..
Sometimes things happen..and a person has to think through the options it presents.
Time to reassess look at the future possibilities.
Many things would, could work.

In the essence of it all..
I would be happy with knowing someone is there...
Knowing I am part of something .. That we both could rely on.. Each other.. Know we are loved. .. Appreciated..
As I get older.. I see the differences of what I think I want, and what I need.. Mentally, spiritually, physically...
Some parts more than others..

I think I found this out too late in my life.

Many things change over time...
Perceptions..feelings..

Love, in all its facets..is a constant, one that morfs and changes over time..
Yes, we have that difference of being 'in love' and loving someone..
I know, sometimes we are in love..
And it turns into..just loving.
But, it was
It can always be....

But.. Can it be..?

Time..will tell..
Else, I will be here..
Where I am..have been..

Am I allowed?

I have feelings..
Do they matter to anyone but me?

Not so far..
No one..

I have always considered others feelings..
And forgot me..
It often hurt..

Yet, here I am.
Not sure if I can.
But I do..
So..
Figure out if I am worth it...

I cannot ..

You know, I am still alone..
Unfortunately it seems I have been, all my life.

Truth.

R

Tasks.. little steps

I am working on the tasks.. Reducing extras.. I called and cancelled the old internet and cable..and home phone..sorry to lose the phone it was a good easy number..but I really did not use it much. Mostly robo calls..
I am still using my work cell number, and removed the original from the plan. Cutting back.. Saving a little here and there..
The cars.. I have a $500 deductible for the one in the shop..
I bought a mirror for mine.. Cause it hit a mailbox and fell off... Not me.. But the one i ordered..is broken and wrong too..so, I am returning it, and ordered another from Amazon... Its $50 more.. But should fit.. I just have to install it....
Still waiting to here on the repairs.. And figuring out the new internet and streaming tv..
I need to do a thorough house cleaning.. I spent an hour doing dishes and cleaning the kitchen before cooking dinner tonight.. And I need to move the tv and cabinet .. I moved stuff accumulating in my bedroom..
I have radios to work on.. And more on the way..

We have been flirting with snow..but it is just cold..
I should buy a TV antenna..and set that up..
The basement walls have been successfully patched..no more leaks.. Win

I have fixed my broken phone..but no hurry to use it..
L has been working every night till next Wednesday.. So still just me at home.. My offset weekend is mostly just me.
Wednesday is my next day back to work..thru Sunday..
I think I am working a different shift on that Sunday.. A late night.. Not a morning.. Coverage..
Money just the same

The weather in other places has caused connectivity issues..but i understand..and will make due.
I am not..
I am
I

Yeah....
This could be so..different..but..it is better than most alternatives..

A state of mind sometimes is better than reality...

So, my state of mind..right now..
Not here..
But.. There.

It works for me..
I really have nothing else..no one else..

I did that.. I own that..
But...

Another time..

I just realized.. I check my post office box every 2 days..except on weekends..
Today there was a lot ..
No checks for $1,000,000..
Just bills..

Oh well.

Time to put in for time off.. Plan that tax return money..
Use that time..

Europe this summer???

R

New year, changes...

It is not a resolution thing as much as a starting point.
For instance I have been fed up with my internet and cable for months.. In December the bill went up $20.. So..i decided to drop the service.. I only need internet, so I changed providers entirely.. Cut the gig speed in half, dropped the tv.. They added a 4k streaming box.. Its $70 less.. And the WiFi actually works upstairs!
I still need to call and cancel the old service.. But i will do that in the morning. I will need to figure out my displays, but it will be ok.. Maybe I will add an outdoor antenna...

I am wondering why the month is going by so slow..
I need to find out where the next time off will take me..

I need to get the car situations figured out..
Damn raccoons..
Got the estimate, ordered the part for mine..
Car swap, so I am driving the rental..
The part came in for mine, but I think it is the wrong year..but I think it will work.
We will see.
Another week for L"s car, hopefully..

Work, is slow still, still vacation coverage going on..
A blackout period coming up in 3 weeks..
Still have metal recycle coming up.. I have prepped the small copper..1000 feet, plus..
Started on the large pieces..
Been doing that by myself..
Also started pulling dead cables again.. Got 1, and still pulling 3 more.. They are up to 30 ft each, so far..
Took me 3 days to get that much.. Probably another 30 to go.

Contact is what it is.. I see.. It is limited.. So.. I can deal.
No plans yet.. But I should, and will.....if I am welcome...
And I am waiting on the MINI route announcement.. Then see if i will do all or part in July..
Then...there is skiing... It is early enough.. Just L"s schedule is tricky.. She should learn...or at least see what it is..

A seemed a little stressed, but it has passed..and season is in full swing.. Maybe March will be a good time..
Hey, I lost 3 to 4 weeks of paid time off last year..that is nearly $5000... I will not let that happen again.. Try not to..

But..all in all...this year has started..and it isnt much different from the last few..

...

I have been working and spending the radio money..I may have found a limited supply of parts I can turn for a profit.
It will be fun to see..

I am..just me

This is my life..

Sometimes it suprizes even me..
But usually it is all it is..

Tax time is close.. I will plan this summer trip based on that..

I am alone..most of the time.. And.. Plan my chores around L and work..

But mostly alone.. Even at work..
But, mostly ok with it..

A great way to start a year..decade..

R