I am....

I am a pest.
I can be annoying.
I don’t give up easily.
I am varied but selective in my choices.
I am often wrong.
I can be persistent.
I doubt my choices often.

When I get to this place.. where I doubt everything I thought I knew..
I find it is a sticky place.. I get stuck waiting to see if I am wrong yet again..
You know, wrong that I am wrong..
Wrong that I misinterpreted that I misinterpreted something..
I usually hope that I am wron that I am wrong..

I don’t want to be wrong, especially twice.. about the same thing..
More often than not, I end up being wrong ... somewhere..

I do get into those places that everything is right for me..the key part of that phrase is ‘for me’..
When I am there, I don’t want to be anywhere else. I usually will do all I can to stay there.
I will be persistent, and pesky, and sweet and loving, and I am so sure, very annoying.
Which in it self can be felt as sweet.. until it is not.

Then all the rest slides into place and I become wrong.
It is when I start to notice that i am wrong, that I panic.. and I usually make it worse..

It becomes a place where I need to figure out if I have any chance of saving any part, or if I am wrong about being wrong, and it is all in my head.

Sometimes it is..sometimes not.
Usually anything I do only makes the situation worse and I start to wonder if i should pull away and see if anything pulls back.. If not, I wait..
‘the waiting is the hardest part’... because all the rest of the doubts and stress comes with it.
I could never be a game player, because I would not know when it was time to bluff or put all the cards on the table. I end up panicking, and try to save the drowning man..or give up and sink into the depths.. until I have made a choice which way I should handle it, I usually only make it worse.. and do too much or too little of the wrong thing..

In my world there usually isn’t an good place for long.. unless it is all in my head.

I am really too old to be needing to worry about where I am in this life..
I feel i was always too old for that, and wanted to just live it with as little stress and help those around me to be stress free too.. especially those that chose to be around me, that I did not have to beg to be there, or were forced to be in my life, by some choice eithe I made or them.

Yet, here I am.. I am me.. and still .. as always, alone.

Thankfully, with careful effort, I have filled my life with things I need to do, things i want to do, everyday. If I don’t take too much time to sit and ponder my situation, view it from a way away, it looks pretty good.

I don’t have crushing debt, I have a place to sleep, I have a job, and food to eat.
it could be a lot worse.
So pardon me for complaining..but a this point in my life..hell, any point in my life, I thought it would be much different.. so far it has not lived up to any expectation i have ever had.
Not that I have not tried to make my life better, oh I have tried, and in most cases succedded . I won’t say that I am unhappy, just disappointed .

The device I am entering this on is acting up so I will end this thought here..

I miss you.

R