Mondays..

This is my Saturday, My weekend, Monday and Tuesday are my days off.
It has been this way since September. I usually get a few things done, fortunately most things are accessible, til lately, but it has been a learning curve all along.
Now it is warm most of the day, if the sun is out and not raining, so that limits some of my outdoor chores. There are always things to get done. My current dilema is my back yard, it did not come back after the winter. Not sure why. Not sure how much I should do. I could just let it be, keep pulling the weeds, and reseed in the fall.
Maybe rent a tiller and dig it all up and roll it out and seed it or maybe even sod it.. then of course I will have to tend and mow it.
I could pay someone to do all that, but not sure if I should spend money on it just yet.

I am not sure what I am saving my money for, but I am trying to save more than spend. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?

We live in uncertain times. Kind of an understatement these days.

So here it is Monday, I am sitting on the deck having a late breakfast, I went out and did my grocery shopping for the week earlier, came home and paid bills, then made something to eat.
The sun is out and there is a light breeze.
I am trying to decide what I should do today.
I could work on the car, it needs an oil change,
I could rearrange the garage, I need to move the old engine, maybe get a stand and organize so I can start rebuilding it.
I could update my radio workbench, I want to add another half to the hutch and rearrange so I can get all the equipment hooked up properly.

I could just get in the car and go for a drive, L went to sleep after work, and has the night off.. she wont be awake till dinner, maybe..
I could start with a ride to the car wash, and maybe the part store for some oil and a filter.
At least have the stuff on hand if I get that ambitious.. It does need to be done..
The dealer is booked two weeks out every time I look and never available on Monday or Tuesdays..
So I will have to get it done myself and schedule the vehicle checkup for later.

I have noticed lately, my mind has not been on the things at hand, I have been forgetting to do things, not doing things as properly as I should.  I have been grumpy more, the slightest thing makes me angry or annoys me.
I have had little reasons to smile, and no sense of accomplishment. The things I get done are because I have to.. no satisfaction.

I think I am losing ... hope..
I had found a few things in the past year, things that really made me happy, made me smile, gave me something to try to plan for.. then, time and circumstances happened and now.. it all seems dim.
I cannot plan, I didn’t before because there was always the disappointment looming ahead, and I chose to try not to end up disappointed.  Now I feel I cannot plan, because I don’t know when it is safe to start trying.

My support system is totally gone. I have no one. I am still responsible for L, and need to be strong and supportive for her, But I am doing that alone too.

I am starting to feel all that weight, that I used to handle.
I don’t have any real escape, no outlet for my frustrations.  Little or no satisfaction from the radio work, lately I have been making mistakes there and letting people down.
I am doubting my knowledge and skills, thinking I am messing it all up.
My tools are not adequate for me to do what I have been doing for years.

I have been questioning if I can do that any more.


Well i have to do something..

i think it is time for a drive.. I need to clear my head..

R