End of 2019

Here we are again.
End of another year, another decade.
I will try to see if I can quantify..

I wont go back 10 years..
Just read my previous posts..
You will see the reason for this blog..
Life, family, relationships.. Loneliness..loss, gains, and a lot of making the best of all that it is.

In the past 10 years, I have done a lot, met a few people that were..are..important to me, I have always tried to be my best..like everyone else, I have fallen short on occasion..
Although, I have done what I must.

This past year, I have continued to do what I do.
I have lived with being alone. In a familiar but different place.
I have reconnected with an old friend..and old love..
I know what that situation means, I can accept it.
I wont be totally alone.. But, it will be just me and L here.

L"s birthday is close.. And she has no plans to leave and go off on her own. Life this week is testing her, and I am doing what i can to support her.

I have visited, and enjoyed my visit, but.. I want to visit again, but I am not sure if I would be a burden or a relief.
I am reminded the goal is to travel..
Could, should..
I need to ask.. Then plan..or not.

Yes, I'm in the place, where I second guess, and try to decipher what I experience..
Usually not at all relevant.. Usually way off the mark..
I end up making it worse..

I know this yet I always do it.

I should slip back into the mode..
Just work, home, work, home..
And so on..
Pay off the bills, build my equity..
Don't think about loneliness..
I am too old for all that high school crap..
Just, adult.

The recent changes, have made communication difficult..
I appreciate all..any..
I want more..
Unfortunately I do not think I showed that ..in person..
I was just happy to be ..there.. Nothing else mattered..
I know I have to stay in contact.. And hope all is OK.

I know how not to be..what everyone else was..
But, it is a fine line.. Between there and distant..
Really fine..
I need to have a conversation..but connectivity is poor..
So, I just need to touch base always..often..as I can..
Maybe I will see.

Yes, here we are, the edge of 2020..

So many possibilities..

One last thing..

JANUARY will bring a few dates..
And I have reached out..
Maybe I will be forgiven.
Maybe not..

Happy..happy..

:)
and 143.

R

Holiday week..

No..not the Brittish meaning..
But neither applies.. I am working Wednesday to Sunday..
Not really my time of year.. Work is good.
Speaking of work.. I hit a milestone.. Most income i have ever made in my life. Lots of overtime and additional work pay.. But way more than I made with all those titles and responsibilities.. Yes, it cost more to drive 100 miles a day..and live where i chose to.. But.. I may survive tax time..maybe..
I have a road rally to plan..maybe a ski weekend or two in the immediate future.. You cant take it with you..also you need to live.. Because the future is now..and nothing beyond today is promised..

I am trying to restructure my perception..
I am no longer so many things..

But i am what i always was.. If you knew me then, you know me now..

If you missed that.. Ask those that knew me..

I wish i could remind a few people, some things..
I have heard.. That some, could not see what they did to me..and dont know why I am still their friends.. And warn others that i can be too intense..i dont let go.. Etc...
Yes, i can..i have, i did.....let go..
Unfortunately, they are still too full of themselves to see who i was.. And they pass on their perceptions of me..to others that could benefit from me in their life.. But..
I was the one burned..stomped on.. Ignored.. Cast aside..
Only to prove much later that i forgave their mode of operation..as they did to everyone..and was still willing to help...listen.. And forget the pain and all that was done and said..to me and To others..who left..
They realized i was real..to suggest i try to help another..
Just to discount my help, later..as..difficult to deal with...probably because i was real and not one that could be manipulated..
So..i.stepped away.. Do not accuse my consideration for manipulation..I tried to reduce contact stress..not take advantage.. But..i end up getting berated..demeaned.. Accused of being a poor friend.
That hurt.
After all i tried to do, all i did..
Ouch.
Really..ouch.

That is why.. If you wonder..that .. Is.. Why..

I did not imagine it..

Yet, it is what it ..was..
And i am sorry...

Not what i expected, wanted..
Yet..

So..
Yes, it.still hurts.

I have been hurt before..many times..
The times it was unexpected or unintended were the ones that hurt the most.

...
Just hug me..let me hug you..maybe this will pass..

..
.

R

Here I go..

I am doing it again.. I caught myself.
Doubt..questions..feeling i am not ... Me...
But Me..
The Me that starts second guessing, starts worrying, overthinking.. I imagine I am not doing enough, i feel i am not that important.. I feel i am too busy, that i am not spending enough time.. That i am missing the mark..
Have I been friend-zoned?

No.W2

I am ok.. I am mistaken.. I just need to focus..read what i see..all Is fine.. You havent given up.

Dont mess this up.

Take a breath..

Ok..
I am ok.

Im gonna pause here.. And keep positive thoughts..

I think i need sleep.

R

Vacation is over...

Ok.. I am back..
I have christened my passport.
No travel issues.
All went well.
I spent a lot of time, thinking.. And reading.
I didnt finish my book.. But came close.
I did swim and snorkel. I saw amazing things. I learned a lot.
I spent some quality time with my daughter..
And some time with my Mermaid.

It is so nice to be with someone that is on the same plane as I am, we are from the same generation, we grew up in the same place with similar experiences..yet different...very different, but relatable.. Perceptions and circumstances were the same..

Funny how you can grow up knowing the same people but see some from very different angles.. Now..to be able to see the other side of the coin, seems to be a way to fill in the blanks of what you already knew..
The reason..you are where and who you are..

I know I have created my next dilemma..
How to..if i can.. When..
What should I do..
Will I ..

Musical reference phrase...in my head..

So many things could change.. Or not...

I spent a week.. Always there..around.. Relying on you, in your space..your element..
Did I burn out? Over step?
Did I fail to impress..no.. Fail to meet the expectation..that I created. ..
Or did you.. Being who you are.. Realize...and accept...me..
And my imperfections..insecurities.. ??
I can hope.. We will talk..

At one point..i thought i blew it.. Too much.. Up your ass.. Too needy.. Then..feeling not enough..
Afraid to ask..if it was supposed to be more..
I would have loved to be more..
But, the 'boy' in me..needs to reign it in..
I think.. Critical phrase.. I survived..
I feel good..about it..
I Always make mistakes..
Most times..it is with my perceptions..
Then my over-thinking..

Nothing 'chemical' happening here..
Or hormonal..
Just life..and personalities..figuring out..if we need to complete...something..connect with someone..

I have been in the middle of what I thought was something that was something else..and took a turn..that burned..
And left me scarred..

You only pick up that hot metal once.. Then realize..you have been burned..
Maybe..you should not try to touch that...

So..unfortunately..you step lightly.. Going forward..and try not to give as freely..
You try not to get caught up..in the moment..
Read more into anything..
You end up cautious..
But, dont blow your chance.. Being too cautious..

Take the chance..

We will see..
Just dont mess it up.........

At least try not to..

R

December 2019

Here I am, end of the year..last month.
Work is stressing over unused Paid Time Off .. So I have put in some time.. I will take a few days.. And lose what they wont pay out.. No carry over this year.
I have 170 hours..I am using 40.. Will get paid for 40..and lose the rest.

2020..I will try to use it all..

So.. I have bought the tickets.. Scheduled the time..made all the arrangements.. Going to do this.

I have plans for a road trip in july.. And probably a central america trip in the spring..

I will do what I can to use what I deserve.. I do not have all that extra responsibility... I am responsible to do my job..

I m counting the days..
Vacation is close..
Travel.. Then island and my mermaid..and the beach.
I cannot wait to be there.. My first stamp..
Water..waves..sunrises..sunsets..swimming..
Just laying in the sun..in a hammock..
A week will not be enough..but I will make it count.
To be able to spend time with my mermaid in her element..
Just to be with my mermaid.. Face to face..
To be able to see, touch..
It seems like forever since we have been near..
But it has only been a couple months..and we have been connected every day..
I worry that it has been too much..
I worry that I am to intense..
I hope I haven't been too attached..

I go into most relationships full bore..but in the past few years..I have learned to scale it back..slow it down..I just get to intense..I end up scaring you away..

I m happy.. I.am smiling.. I am up..not down
It has been a while.
Keep me smiling..
I will keep you smiling..
I have been worse..I am happy to be here..now

Thank you.

So..here we are..
40 years ago...to now..
I know I want to be happy..
I know I deserve to be happy...
I have tried to be..happy...
I forgave a lot..but still hurt..and as much as I tried..I wasn't..
Here I am..still trying ..

Yes, there is things.. But.. We ..I .. Can overcome those things.

Time..
Opportunity..

R

Money..

Yeah, I need to bitch about money.
It was great for a while, but i am back to, paycheck to paycheck. I was doing good when I had OT.. And extra cash in the bank, I was paying down my bills, i was.over paying where I could.. I paid cash to buy the parts to fix L's car..
I paid cash to convert the utilities. But, now the cushion is gone.. And as always..end of the year..

I have not cared about the extras, but now that I want to spend some money, I have to budget for it.. Do a little creative juggling.. So I dont fall behind.

It is time to cut useless expenditures.. Maybe slow down some of the overpayments.. Do the refi consolidation thing.. Cut back on the going out to eat. Drop the cable TV..
There is things i can do.

I have future plans..
2020 is another road rally in July.. I also may want to visit again, if it goes well this time..
I will use my paid time off in 2020..

Ok.. I have been wondering if I should explain my mermaid obsession..
It is real, I am the one that was caught by the mermaid.
They were legends about the "sirens" that lured the sailors...
The word Siren translates to mermaid..
This beauty's heart sang to me, her soul reached out and touched mine.
I resisted..I thought that it was just a passing through.. I tried to not get attached.. But it was unavoidable.. The universe, the great spirit and our past lives ..
All conspired to make this something we cant ignore..
Wisely.. We are not fighting it..we are embracing it..

Too many things have happened to make this a thing.
It was what i needed.. What I figured was gone..not Going to be for me.. And when I resolved my situation to what it was going to be.. Something smiled on me.. And allowed me to be happy again..

Thank you.

Now, lets move forward..
Lets be happy..

We can..

R

Last week of November.

November, is flying by.. Good..
I have decided and began planning my time off.
Still things to get done, need to figure out more minor expenses.. I will need to prepay a few things, so they wont be missed. I just paid bills, and have limited funds for extras.. I am finishing radio work. I have some spending cash. I need to get a few things..

It is coming up fast.. This is Thanksgiving week, i will cook for l and I.. We both work, she has Friday off..
I think I have to cover an early morning shift.. The weekend after.
I have a few new bills ..car maintenance.. But stuff i needed to do. I need to rotate my tires..

I am being tasked with more stuff at work lately..not sure if its a test or the beginning of a new norm. I have been asked to do a few things, stay later..stuff.. I ve done it..but i dont want it to be all the time.. I worked 11 hours today.. Plus getting up and driving to and from.. Made it a 14 hour day..

I guess it could be worse..i could be unemployed..homeless and broke.

I need to take a look at all my finances..and figure out ways to lessen the debt.. I do good, I can do better.. Juggle a bit, swap, consolidate.. Maybe refinance, a couple things..
I am doing good, i always have worked it out..
It has never been that bad..
I just stress about it..

This year..everything seem to cost more..
I seem to pay more for the things i do..
It is more than the change in location, and seasonal prices.. It inflation apparent..

I track what i spend.. It has been more..
I will adjust.

There are things i can cut back on, things i dont need to spend my money on.. I will adjust.

I am looking forward to actually doing nothing..
Listening to the ocean, feeling the sun and watching a few sunsets.
It will be what i need.
I can get there.. I will get there. I need.. Deserve to destress.. I will.

It will be very hard to come back...i wont even say come home..

If it were not for the debt.. House, car and stuff..i would not come home.

Vacation is close...
Seeing my mermaid is close.

I cant wait.
Sit on a beach..
Hear the waves..
Feel the sun..
Watch it set..

Soon.

R

This is the month

November..
This is the month ...
I usually fall behind in my monetary obligations..
I usually cannot work enough..
I usually work too much..
I get another year older..
I plan to use what ever time off i have left...
I miss family and close friends..

But.. This year is a little different..
A lot about my life has changed, some good some not so..nothing bad.. Just not as good as it was or should be.

I am happy for how this part of my life has changed..
Not in every aspect..but for the most part.. I have learned to be happy.. I am employed, i have a place to live, i have a functional vehicle, my kid still respects me. I know i am loved.
I am not rich..i have debt. I pay my bills.
I go to work every day.
I dont know what or where i will be in 10 years.. I may have an idea for the next 5 years.. Maybe seriously reduce that debt thing.. If at all possible.. Maybe sell everything i have and start over somewhere new.
Maybe not..maybe settle in and just enjoy.

Unfortunately, I never expect to retire, I do not have a pension, and my retirement funds are sparse..

I will work..as long as I am able.

This month.. I have not cut my hair.. Odd, but I am letting it grow out.. It is past that long enough to be curly phase..
It is difficult to manage after keeping it short for many many years.. I am still looking in the mirror every morning..and asking..should I cut it...can I go another day.

This is usually no shave November.. I am just not cutting my hair.

Ok..

My love..
Once apon a time..you meet someone.
You are both young..
You both have family's that frown on dating.. So you dont, you never get past the infatuation stage..
I looked for any reason to be around you.
I would lose track of you..a couple years in..
Never really having spent any time alone with you.

I saw you a couple times in my 20s..we briefly reminisced about our childhood crush.. Yet never reconnected.
My life changed, your life changed..
Then social media became the thing.. I searched..and found.. But no response for a few years.. Miles apart..
Then our lived changed again.. I was now even further away..and no real chance for us to meet again. My situation
Life changed again..and i knew i just missed you..

But, i didnt.. There you were..there i was..
We talked..explained our lives..
I was happy to be able to spend the time.. But figured it was probably the last time i would ever see you..
Then.. You came back.. Agan I thought it was going to be temporary..and was happy to be able to spend time..
Yet, somewhere someone wanted us to spend enough time with each other to see it was meant to be.. We were meant to reconnect..
I am very glad we did.

We will see what else will change my 5 year plan..

We will see..

R

Plans..

Ok..
I am slightly concerned..
I have made many changes to my life in the past 2 years.
Not everyone is happy about those Changes.
I care about peoples feelings..even those that have asked me not to be their friend anymore.
It does happen...people have asked.. In the past.. People just dropped out of my circle.. Done.
So..I miss people I have connected with..on any level..
I miss the connection.
In the past.. I would linger....and hope for a reprise..
It almost never happened..
I always looked like some kind of stalking ex..
And never amounted to anything..

But, if you kicked me to the curb.. And now.wonder why I am distant.. It is not me. I have lived this before.. It has been done to me..
Someone was my everything.. And then..i didnt make.the cut.. And was dropped me wondering why..became a Nuisance..
Some desperate loser that had been.dropped..
But you made me love..and then told me..no no.. You cant anymore..
As a young man.. This was.. Devastating.. Heart breaking..
But I learned and survived..
Sometimes history repeats..and I am the fool..if I expect anything different.
So... No wonder i am jaded about it all.

Oh, I.still love you..still miss the daily contact..
The last year has been hard.. Painful..
But..really.. You told me..
You didnt trust me..
You didnt want to be my friend anymore..
You have no idea how much that hurts..
History repeats.. It hurt then it hurts now..

Yes..yes..I know..it was never supposed to be..
It happened..and we moved past it.. Bury any feelings..because you are no longer allowed..
If you do..you will be pushed away..and tested the test you will fail..because you care.. Cared....

Unfortunately, I lost a friend.. I have so few..it hurts..
I dont know if I can or should.try to fix this..
After a year..
Probably a lost cause..

I still care.. But..
I feel a bit wounded.. Really
I did nothing wrong..
But feel like i did..


Ok.. Next chapter..

I just worked..paid my bills..spent time driving around and just working..

I had decided...i was..going to to be alone.. And was..

Then.. Someone I never expected to see again..was here.
Sometimes,.things happen, and sometimes.. You have to see where it will go.

I am not some kid ..
I get..why..and how..
So..

Here I am.

I can still be a friend..
I would prefer to be a friend..at least a friend........

I will continue to live the rest of my life..

Hopefully not alone.
It is for me to decide..

R

Plans.. timing... schedules

Ok.. I jumped the gun..bought my plane tickets.. Without knowing if i have a place to sleep. But, I got the emails today, and plans are forming, it will work out. Heck..I will sleep in a hammock.. Or a tent.. If I have to.
This is a big step, a never been tried.. A first for my travel experiences. I will have to plan my finances..prepay the bills due that week.. Make sure I pack properly.. Plan all the internal transport. Return lodging..long term parking..

I am concerned that L will have a good time.. Enough to do..
She needs to learn how to accept things wont always be perfect.. I hope if she doesnt have a perfect time she can enjoy what it is.
I will worry about that.

This time last year..
I was here..
I was with L
We were alone.
I was working, L was home. We had one car.
We had just moved into our new place.
We started placing our stuff.
We emptied the POD.. And filled the garage, house and basement.
We found our routines.
Yet, we were alone.

We survived, changes happened, and here we are, moving forward.

2 cars, 2 jobs, a good summer, and a planning a vacation.

Scheduling and plans are coming together..

Lets see what 4 more weeks will bring...

:)

R

Day 10.

No significance, just 10 days into the month. Friday"s primary special event, was a long distance phone call and the first time someone sang to me.
A voice I miss, that was wonderful to hear.
Of course Saturday, I sent a reservation request, and Sunday I booked my tickets. Tomorrow I will start looking for travel necessities. I am serious about this. It is time , and it will be done.

The interesting thing is .. I am seeing lots of activity.. Old friends surfacing, people posting who have been quiet.. Contact that has not been a peep from in almost 2 years..
Yet.. There are those that have always been there, and look for any reason to comment. They are welcome, and I am always amazed at the response I get from simple posts, especially when I forget people are watching.
It is comforting, and.scary at the same time.

So..here I am, moving forward, and not afraid to show what Im doing. I am my own person, those that watch me..family..have little to say, and I.dont answer to them, I used to fear their opinion of me and how I am living my life..but.. In reality they have let me be..and stayed where they are.. Little or no opinion voiced. No questions.. Really not much contact at all.

So, I guess..little brother, is finally allowed to feel like an adult. Mostly by me.. I feel I have been living in a shadow, trying not to taint, or cause disappointment. Or added grief to them. Me, Putting restrictions on me. .. Yet, I have had a family of my own, raised a child to an adult, kept out of major trouble, most of my life. No reason for them to be ashamed of me, except for me walking away from their structure. But, I have done nothing else.
I miss family . I miss having help.
But other than that, I have found what I need, when I need it.
Over all I am happy, I have a job, a home, a love, my daughter that loves me.
I have bills, cards, car, house, utilities and all that..
I am not a kid anymore, I havent been for a long time.
I know responsibility, I know commitment, and loyalty.

I have done little over my past ..just for me, it has always been for everyone else.
Not that I could not get something from doing it that way,.. But not usually just for me..to make me happy.
Well, it has got me here.. And it is time.
Time to find my smile, and give it to me.
Wear it for me..for all to see and question.

I usually step softly..and carefully into a relationship.
Always trying to guess what I should do..how to do it.
Wait to see how involved to get. Try not to get burned.
Once or twice I fell ..or stepped in it.. And usually it ended with me wondering what happened.
I have let it happen, and was suprized when it was more than I realized, for me.. But always happy to be there for as long as they wanted me around. .. Yes, once or twice, I realized if was not for me, or really poor timing, and I ended it. There has been those 'just go away' moments..

But, here I am, I think, where I am supposed to be.. Other than latitude.. Physically.. Mentally I am here, spiritually I am in a much more secure place.

I am missed, and I miss her.
Situations could make contact difficult, but we talk every day, for a few hours. Our schedules are compatible.
I know my feelings have grown, and I am not holding back.

Funny because I thought last year, that I probably would never see 'Mi Sirena' again ..yet, here we are.. Reconnected..
I say that because it is older than us. Yet here we are...
Where wil we take it?

Like the owl commercial..lets find out....

R

November 2019

After the past 2 months, to finally be here.
This is the anniversary month of me moving into my home.
One year. No fanfare, no party, really only i noticed.
I still have a bottle of champagne and glasses that my realtor gave me as a house warming gift...

This is also the month of my Birth.. I am not expecting anything other than the ordinary.. As of course always.

I need to start planning to use some of my earned paid time off...before i lose it all.

Typically the last 2 months of the year are the tightest monetarily.. This year is no exception, but i will travel and enjoy myself away from all this...bliss.. I call my life..

I thank my Sirena for my sanity and giving this old guy hope for a different future life.

Truth..if you stop searching..it finds you..
I had given up.. Resigned to what it was..
Yet.. Not looking..and found it.

Oh .. It has its difficulties.. But.. Somethings need to run their course..and work themselves out..
Most things need to be pushed..nudged... To put them on track..to keep them on track..

I think, if this was perfect.. It would fade.. It needs the little struggles.. The minor difficulties to grow..to become all it can be..for everyone. These difficulties, beside timing and money.. Are really minor.. Things that can and are being managed.
Yes, it crimps my 5 yr money plan..but..that was because there was no other reason to work..
No reason to take.vacations, or save days..
But now.. Maybe, there is.

Ok.. I know .. I will share this space with you.. Right now..
I don't want to change your view of me, beyond the one you know.. But over the past 10 years.. I have been through a bit more than I can say.. This is the place it is said..
You may come here and see the other side of me.. And acknowledge what you already know..but prove it..
You may find a few insights to .. This person.. Me..
Or you may just reinforce what you already knew.

I know I may slip and mention things you never realized about me.. Just as I have learned a lot about you..many things that corrected my perceptions, of things I was told to believe..I think to steer me away.. But never really worked.

But here we are.. Here and now.. I really think where we should have been years ago.

Centuries even..

I am in a good place.. Not perfect..but good.
Perfect would be a different time zone.. Soon.

I will elaborate more..

R

(Edited for spelling mistakes)

Reaching out, just to get my had slapped.

I mentioned in my last post, I was looking at things in my past...

So, I decided to send a message, just an update, to tell someone my cell phone number had changed, and that I am celebrating 1 year in my house.  I followed that with my new address.

I got:
    ok
    I didn't know you moved until after you left...

Then a couple questions..
simple answers..

then no further response for 5 hours...
then:
     I had to take a minute to respond to that.
     I said I would never screw you over and I didn't but wow did you get me.

I responded: Huh?

... Crickets.. nothing..


Well, this was the first contact for nearly 3 years, nothing.. I reached out, I figured they would not take the fact that I moved, nearly 2 years ago, with out letting them know.. but that road has 2 sides of the street.. I was there a year before I moved, with no contact.. from me or them.. there was more than enough reason for them to be in contact, not just me.. I didn't press it anymore.. I gave up.. I figured It was no longer on me. the shear fact that I sold everything, quit my job, moved 2000+ miles away, visited their family.. I know 9 months later they still didn't realize I had left, only for me to text 19 months later and get that response??

No.  I will not feel bad about this.. 

Just WOW

More later..

R

Third time..

Ok..the last two posts got lost in my phone..
I have replaced my app.. And last nights post did not publish..
So... I will try again..

I do not remember the content of the previous posts..
I am more sorry than you..
I .. As always, I reread what I post to see what is in my head.
These posts are usually a result of a few drinks..and a complete lowering of my filters.

I have had a bit on my mind..and tonight found I was looking at the past..and brought a bunch of baggage to the top.. Old stuff.. Things forgotten..probably better off that way. But.. Now in my head..again..

But, I had a chat.. Just now..and the past isn't so important right now..

Yes, I have met people..people that I found I let into my circle and truly did not allow for the changes in the relationships.. Not all their fault, not all mine.. But the timing seemed better than it was.. And of course it fell part..possibly irrevocably..

But .. I do see why and what was the cause..no less fault of mine.. But sometimes you have to take what was said.. And see the why..and wonder..

If you choose to believe you are no longer my friend.. I respect that.

I have told others, and probably you ..if you want me to go away..say so.. I will.
I have. And I will.

It is no longer my will..want or decision.. But yours.

...

R

Second time..did it again

Arghhhhh...

nope.. the new app update..ate my post..

Not happy..

Hello October

This month has started on a fast track. Lots to do, extra hours due to one guy leaving and another out for a week. Plus my work week shift, puts my weekend on Monday and Tuesday. That and a few coverage nights and a must be here day on my day off a few times..and here we are.. October.
The month of November is a blackout month so i have 2 weeks this month and the month of December to use 135 paid days off.. probably not gonna happen.
Oh well, not anything new there.

I finally found a desk and with it a new rug for the dining room. I have cleaned up the pile of repairs.. only 3 left. Then a other batch on its way.

My L has her car back and has worked her new job for  her first week.
So far so good. We are both excited.

A is in Virginia visiting her sister, coming back this week for a few days. It will be good to spend some time.

Fall set in This past week, but it will warm up for a couple days.. winter is coming, and it is supposed to be a bad one.
I am nearly ready.. i have to set up the generator..

I have been  cleaning and arranging the stuff ..picking up the clutter.
Finding homes for the random junk.  The cars need service. Need to schedule it or do it myself. I have moved some yard plants, and been able to use the fire pit and the deck..i have even walked down to the pond and gone swimming a few times. It has been a good summer ..even though i got started late.
Who knows, maybe we can get some skiing in this year..
I have time.. maybe a couple weekday trips to Vermont in December.
No Key West this year.. we didnt make it up to Canada.. but.. it has been good..
I feel good, i have a positive attitude.. the commute has not made me bitter.. works changes have been rolling..

I think i might have a long term plan.. its all just pencil on paper right now.. but i may be able to do something..new and different.
Something positive.

Each instance requires thought..
Do you hold back? Or put all the cards on the table?
If you have tipped your hand, do you play it out, see if the others saw it
.. or drop some cards and pick up something new?
If your partner noticed..and plays to your hand, do you just play through..is it still a game at this point or just calculated strategy?
Just some way to leave everyone smiling.
No one gets hurt or feels bad.. just happy to be in the game..
Or..is it something better..Something that is not a game at all?
Was it meant to be..is it a spoke in the wheel..that has come around again.. it feels that way.. a return to what was..what should be..what repeats.. reason for existence.. however it ended before..it has  come back..because it is what it should be..it feels that way. 
Comfortable is not the best description.. it is.. it was..it will be again.

I was talking about cards...
Was i?

Through my life, i have met many people.. i believe i was never meant to live my life alone. Once i found that sharing a sleeping place was more than sharing a room with 3 brothers.. that my pillow is better shared..i knew i was not meant to be by myself.
I have tried it many times .. sometimes for many years.. lonely is not the right description.. it is not how i should be.
Kudos to those that can.. i am envious..
I have and can do it..i do not like it at all.
I dont sleep well, i am never rested..i feel incomplete..

I understand the difference between being alone and being lonely.
I have been both many times. I can.. i just dont like either.. it is not my preference.. i did not get this far..with out being able to cope.

I guess i have always been looking for my 'other half'.
I think we all are.. or we should be.

When you find that person..the one who, finds the spark.. who lights you up..who you energize as well. The one you cannot explain why you both feel you have known each other for centuries..

It is an indescribable feeling to find and be near that person that everything just fits..
Conversation is never strained.. sometimes.you have so much to say.. it can not be said ..
Sometimes..nothing is voiced..and yet so much is said.

The world conspires against us.. and would keep you apart ..the wheel turns..and sometimes you get lost..in the rotation..but it eventually comes back around..
You just have to notice.. see that person across the room..
We get help.. sometimes a push.. nudge.. a changed plan.. a different restaurant.. and there it is.. look.. see it..
Dont wait for the next rotation.. grab on..if you don't and it was meant to happen in this life.. the pattern will force it..do not let it pass..
You will not regret it.
I don't.
Next week may bring a different sensation..but knowing that a place is reserved for you..and you have that same space..that was waiting to be found and filled..has found what you have been searching for for decades..centuries...
You may never be together again..but..you met again..and  connected on the level that has more meaning than you can explain..even to yourself..

I have been reading a book series..one that deals with rebirth and the wheel of time..and people that influence the wheel and the weave of the pattern of time..  here I am.. experiencing.. the effect of the wheel..
And the pattern.. i am.finding that people meet ..again.. because they must..it is destined .. designed..to be.. it must happen..it will.
What you do with it depends on if you recognize it..see the weave..
Then you have a choice..act on it..or let.it pass.. it may come round again..it may wait.

I think i see it..
I want to find  how to be happy, because i know i will be, if i let it happen.

You make me smile.

I hope i make.you smile too.

See you soon..

R

Pure energy. It is possible

Really.
I think i have realized that there is such a thing. Looking back, I know i have  found it before, but never realized what it was.
I have had people come into my circle..that i always feel good to.be around..i feel energized..charged.. so happy..all the time.. i get that unstoppable grin.. 
I now realize that i feed off the energy..sometimes it is the energy i create..but sometimes it is someone elses person that creates that shareable energy..and to be there to feel it..capture it.. realize it.. is so fantastic.. it just overwhelms me.. but..i feel it..i know it is there..
It has taken me so.long to understand it..
How someone i know..shares their energy..and i feel so good around them.. it has happened many times in my life, but now i see it..
One of those moments where it all makes sense..
It is not just infatuation it is energy sharing..absorption.
It is a way to light my soul. It allows me to glow..and share..
It is a realization..

R

Early morning - extended day

I was invited to a family party last night, not 'my' family, but 'a' family. It was nice to be asked, and L came too.  It was fun, I met a bunch of people. The Ice Cream Pie was yummy.  The Hostess kept apologizing for this and that, but all was good and fun.

I took a friend to the airport, on my way to work this morning, I still made it to work 30 minutes early. After a short nap in my car, started this day, which I have to stay an hour late to wait for the afternoon guy who will be in an hour early so we will have coverage for this evenings game.
Then I start my weekend.

I have made tentative plans to drop off some parts tomorrow, and to meet with my old friend about fixing his radio. I still have radio projects in process at home.

September all in all has been busy, but some unexpected light from off to the side, made it better than last month..    9 .. 15..    and a few good nights rest.  Friends popping up here and there..

I was also able to find a pure energy source that fueled the 'perma-grin'. It was unexpected but welcome. Unfortunately previous injury's had to be discovered, and repairs to be done. But it did not dilute the energy, just kept things in -check. Kept the fuel steady.  Extended it, that made it last that much longer.  Sure, I need to keep an eye on the intensity, for longevity, don't let it burn out.
It has lasted quite a while with little or no encouragement, just to pop up and remind me of the past.
Reminders are almost always good. This was no exception. It is odd how you can accidentally be in the right place, then wonder if it was an accident at all.  Makes a person think a bit about the grand scheme of things.  Good, Bad or Indifferent.. we are driven to be where we are needed.  What I need to figure out is how to roll with the changes and open my eyes to the things around me. Try not to be so focused on what I think is the way I am to go, and pay more attention to the universe around me.


I know, this is all very vague and cryptic, but I am not in my typical Blogging environment, I have not been in the typical Blogging frame of mind, probably because I have been working on reducing my stresses and it has been working. More  'Ah' less 'arghhhhh' ..

Maybe I can find the well and pour it into the next post.  I expect it will be possible for a bit..

R 9/22/19

just checking in..

I thought I would drive by...
Been dealing with the new schedule, my weekends have moved to Monday & Tuesday. The first week of the new Schedule I only had one day off, I had to work a coverage shift overnight, the second week I also had one day off, and worked half the other.
I still haven't been able to reschedule my time off, coverage and issues and all at work.
and the week after next, it starts again, we have a guy out for a week, still short a guy, so the 3 of us will have to cover and man each shift.. I get 2 overnight shifts and 2 regular days and 2 morning shifts, for a 6 day work week..

I did get my car back from the body shop last Friday! Looks like a new car. It was gone for 2 months.
I did get to go swimming 3 times, before it got cold. So, the summer wasn't a total loss.
I got to visit with a friend that I thought I would never see again, which really made the summer.
It is good to know that there is always a chance to reconnect.

I also finally reached out to an old friend, after another old friend msg'd me out of the blue asking if I remembered my old friend's husband, it took me a week to figure out who he was asking about. Once I did, I decided to send a post card to her, and let her know I have moved back.  The day before I got that response from the post card, I got a text from another person asking if I knew this guy, her ex-husband, who needed radio work.. and if it was ok to pass my Phone number.. then He called the same day she texted me about the postcard!
Strange how the circles roll.

I have had an overflow of radio work, and with the busy schedule it started piling up. But I have worked on them whenever I can, and have got it down the the oldest and the latest two. The first being a problem child, but I will get them done soon.

Just a short recap, so I don't forget all that has happened..

BTW, I figured out where ISTBA  went.. he has been on a tropical island.. he sent his regards...

Back to work..

R

Still workin

It has been a few long days in a row for the past weeks..
I am struggling to sleep when i need to..and get all that need to be done..
I asked for time off.. and we had a guy quit..so schedules have changed.. and we all have to cover till he gets replaced.. the bosses have been. Off.. and my request for time off has been denied.. i need to reschedule.. rethink..replan.. i still dont have my car..been 6 weeks..i have bills i have paid.. depleating my reserve cash.. plumbing..car repairs.. hospital and Doctor bills.
Not much left.. trip money..
I missed the Mac trip and the Bacon run.. no Vinyard trip.. no NY visit.
I have time..i need to vacation.. but.. thinking.. we wont be able to get away..

I have a damage bill coming..  just another $500..but.. after the plumbing $2500.. and hospital $450.. planning a 4 or 5 day road trip..may be more than the budget can stand.

Not that i dont need a few days off..and i wont be able to carry more than a week over to next year..

Maybe i should just take a week and stay home..and sleep.. 10 hours a day..  fix radios and cook.. mow the lawn and garden..
It could be worse.. i could be on call..and never get a break..

Yes.. being home..reminds me of how i am alone.
I have tasks..and chores.. stuff to do.. but.. when i am home..i am usually alone.. by myself.. just me..

Ambition and plans usually do not come to mind.. i have things to do..but maybe not today..

Sleep has been on and off.. i get tired..but cant sleep..i sit and.doze off..but cant decide to go to bed. .. when i do...i cant sleep.
Confusing..i find i have no trouble falling asleep while i drive home after work... ;(
It can be a struggle..

I am.working it out.

I think about me and my status.. a lot..
I have no way to meet anyone new..
I have nothing to offer a new interest..
I have no new interests..
I realize my schedule and obligations make it difficult to find..meet..anyone that would have time for me.

Or me for them.. this move..this job.. is not better for the single me..it is more suited for a different type.. not the now me..

Yep, my fault..

I guess..not this year.

R

Long days

So .. been a few days..
We finished the primary project..ran a few days as a test..then cut over.. ran about 3 days..
BOOM!
Major issue.. stuff went bad.. not our fault..not us..just..issues.
We scrambled..reworked the other site..  got it back up.. i was in at 6am on tuesday.. worked till 4p..went home..came back at midnight..worked till 3a..went home.. back at 6a..worked till 3p..back at 6a..worked till 5p.. back in Friday morning at 3a..worked till 11:30a.. sat in at 5a worked till noon .. these times are at work times..add an hour to drive in and 1.5 hours minimum driving home.. really long days and short sleep..
Finally recouping. 
Just worn out.

I was able to go to a concert .. with my daughter..
Her first rock and roll concert..
It was fun.. i won the tickets from satellite radio..
It was really fun..really loud.. but so worth it!

Back to work on Tuesday.. and maybe plan a short road trip for next month..

It will happen.. i have too much banked paid time off not to try to use it.

R

Long days

A couple more long days.. got the replacement parts put in.. had to reset the main unit due to a controller failure..cleaned up..sorted parts..patched the holes in the walls from the old equipment.
Then, Friday i was in covering at 3a to 11a..i actually was in at 2:30a and worked till 1:30p.. got home and slept.. ate and slept again to get up at Sat 3:30a. To be at work at 4:45a. Worked till 12..got home and slept  6p..  ended up with a late dinner.. then a call from work.. the main was at reduced output.. and wanted to know if the aux site was available.. it is not.. and while we were talking be was asked to shut us down. I talked him through it.. then the boss called him.. he was on his way.  So i left it at.. let me know if you need me.. but we are off and have no off site backup right now.. not good.

Next weekend..i have to do the Friday morning show from Webster.. about 90miles each way..and i have to be there by 2 am.. so it will be another long day.. after working 7 to 3 on Thursday.. probably getting up at 5a and home at 5p..

I checked my PTO.. right now i have 14.6 days paid time off..to use.. something to plan..

I called the propane guy.. he apologized for not getting my tank picked up. ..it was finally picked up yesterday.. it was full.. and today the delivery bill showed up.. i will give them a couple days to make corrections..
My car is still in the shop.. been there since the 15th of last month..
Over 3 weeks..  soon i hope..
Since i have had L"s car..she still dont have work.. i barely have seen her since last weekend.. i worked overnights all last week..and then long days this week..
She did help me stain the hutch i built..
The weekend traffic has been bad..so we have not gone anywhere for a couple weekends..
Maybe tomorrow.. but planning on in a couple weekends.. making it a 4 or 5 day weekend.. and take a drive..

I have plenty to do at home.. i am thinking on pulling the fence..and framing a patio.. it would be nice..i need to check how much concrete i would need.. and check the options for delivery.. or mixing it my self..
Improvements.
I did finally get the lawn sprinklers set and working.. i need another bag of grass seed.. and of course..need to mow the lawn.
More radios.. and need to install a tv antenna.. and maybe change internet.. drop the cable..
Save a few bucks..

I should research the auto parts to fix the old engine..
Maybe rebuild it and sell it..

Always something for me to do..

Never someone to do it with..

R

Project conclusion

Friday went well. 

We had equipment failures..but were able to use the secondary systems..and plan for the replacement parts. All is.working and we did replace the bad components the next day.
It has been a long work week.. all week ..11:30p to 8a.. with a couple longer than 8 hr days.. not a lot of sleep.. but lots of driving and lots of work.
The main stuff worked.. and the rest will get taken care of.

Next..cleanup.. scrapping..and organization.
Maybe a month..
Then.. back to the norm..or looking for a job.

The car is still in the shop..
The propane co came this morning..I thought to empty the tank..so they can remove it..I caught the driver as he was getting ready to leave..he handed me a slip.. ..he added 190 gallons.. I asked.if.he was here to empty the tank.. he thought i was joking.. once he realized..he called the office.. I need to call on Monday.. I now have a full tank of propane.. another $500 .. At $2.499/gal plus delivery
I had asked 3 weeks ago if they will pay for whats in the tank.. yes..at $1.00/ gal.. so now what?? 500 gal..?? A full tank.. and a bill for the new delivery???
I will need to straighten this out before the bill comes..

I have missed the road trip.. they were 89 cars short of the record..
The second leg is on going.. work will get in the way of joining that..
So..no club trip this year..

We may try a trip ..just us..if my car gets fixed soon..

I spent some time today working on radio repairs.. and building a hutch for the top of my desk.. using recycled pine shipping crates..i only had to make 2 cuts. It will work.. I  need to stain it.. and maybe put a back on it for stability.

Nothing else happening..
I went by my brothers house w L..last week..no one home...nobody answered the door.. we left a note.
I got a text the next day.. he was home..asleep..
..he said 'we are old..we were asleep' at 8:30p on a Sunday..
I said..we were just driving around..and were near..and tried to stop to say Hi. ..maybe next time..

I have not seen them since the year before we moved here..we have been here 16 months...in our house..10 months..
That is my local family..

Just.. work.. and drive around..

Not much else..

R

Close..

The project is coming to the cut over.. we are scheduled to go live Friday.. we need to do a full test early this week. So another over night before the friday over night. And some clean up and last minute stuff in between.
After that..if its successful.. a week or two to get the backup wired and tested.. some tweaking of the monitoring.. install the gps sync antennas.. so..maybe a month and it should be back to normal.. and i will start looking.. just in case..

I mowed the front lawn this morning.. replanted the bush i pulled for the gas man.. once he pulls the tank..i will look at leveling that area..put up a frame..and maybe begin pouring some concrete..
It will make a nice large patio.. or..i could just add some gravel and level it off.. put in some flag stones..

All this day to day..is wearing me down.. i am sore everywhere.. my left arm has lost its strength.. my feet hurt..i truly need a massage..or to find a chiropractor.. i need to start looking closer to work..i have not been able to get in the area earlier than 6pm lately..
And my weekends have been so short.. it has been impossible to do much..

So.. it is as it is..

I am.. who i am
R

Project nearing the end

My boss and i had a conversation a couple months ago,when i was asking to modify my schedule.. in earlier and leave earlier on Fridays..to make my summer commute easier... the answer was no..and you chose to buy your house where you did.. i hired you to do the job you are doing.. and it requires to work the schedule you work. When you leave early..I get support calls..and i have other things i need to be doing....

My take away from that...my project ..the one i was hired for..is nearing completion.. so..does that mean..i will be let go?
That would suck..
I have worked hard..long..and done my best for what i am paid..
Get up and get to work early every day.. only late once..never missed a day..usually stay late..dedicated to the tasks ..  help where i can. Always learning..

I am just not sure what the future will bring..

Maybe i should put out some inquiries.. see what is around..in case i need to look..change.. i doubt i could match the city pay.. so it would mean major adjustments.. still only one income.. and bills for 3..

Really it is not that bad.. my friend allowed me to get almost totally caught up..with their hospitality.. another couple months and i would have had zero debt.. but change happened..and that with unexpected outlays..and living modifications.. i am back to month to month..a skilled juggling act of work...pay and payout.. planning and payment scheduling..
This all works as long as i dont crash my car or break something..
Sometimes to save money you have to spend money..which i have done..the timing does not always  cooperate..but get it done..and justify the investment. 
Then hope it works out.

Of course there is always things that can be done..
Plan..and schedule.. work it out...
And hopefully dont work yourself to death..and take a few days for yourself..

As they say. .. it is what it is.. make the best of it..
Find good things where you can..
Be a better person than you were yesterday.

I have met and known a lot of extraordinary people in my life..i miss those i was close to..those that helped me become me..even those that hurt me.. those that left me..those i had to leave..and those that just faded away.. they all made me who i am...

Although at this moment in my existence..I feel i am less than i was last year...

Who knows what turn is ahead..
I could be old and unemployed..and looking for a new situation..
I could continue to work harder everyday..and make a home i will never need to leave.. except leave to my next of kin.. give me 29 years to pay it off..

I am.thinking..about pouring a patio.. a place to set my firepit..and enjoy the next few summer nights..

You have to make plans.. just to give you a goal..

I really think i need a road trip..

R

Hot day

A nice hot summer day.
I woke up a few times early this morning.
I stayed in bed as long as I could.
It was too late to go shopping.. and my thermometer on the garage said 98 deg.. so i decided to go shopping later. ..stay in the air conditioned house.. i worked on radios.. took a shower.. i finally left for the store at 7pm.. came home made a late dinner and cleaned up.
L was up when i got home..but back to sleep by the time i finished making dinner.

Just a stay in day.. should have gone down to the pond..

Today i spent too much time thinking .. no revelations.. just rethinking my situation.. thinking about options for the next thing.
No real decisions.. just thought.

There are times when i try to review the steps in my life.. how i got here.. what i should have done different..
I think about the loves in my life and why we fell apart.. most i do not have an answer for.. oh a few were not meant to be.. some should never have been..and some of those lasted the longest.. some were really short.. then there are those that were unbelievable..i would have never guessed that we could get together.. it was great while it lasted..
And a couple were bad from the start and fizzled quickly..
There are some i wished would never end..
Some i hope will find a way back into my life.
Some i remember the good and the bad.. and the bad surpassed any of the good..
A few..i will always miss.

Sometimes the timing was to blame..most it was just poor choices..theirs or mine..

Of course.. some described above, were a surprise to me that they would ever be intrested..
Some i chased for years.. a few i knew..for years, before we connected on a deeper personal level..
But... always it ends.

I have had to review the relationship to see what i did or didnt do that made it fall apart.. i can usually find what i did.
The ones that puzzle me.. and the obvious ones that were not my fault.

All that .. and i know why i am still friends with most..
A small few..disappeared.. and one or two..told me to never contact them again.. well one did.. one implied it..

If you ask..i am always polite..and respectful..
I dont have any close friends..havent for years.. that i would confide in..tell my feelings or my side.. it is all in my head..to justify..reason..

The sad thing.. i really would like to know what i did wrong..or why we didnt work it out. Just to know where i need to fix me..

Oh yes..sometimes it was them.. i figured that out for a few..
Somethings are obvious when you have all the information..
But.. it is a thing that bothers me, not knowing if it was really me..

Which.. now.. is probably why i am alone and do not expect that to change.
Im too old, work strange hours, have no real weekend.. no time off.. and no friends.
I moved back here to be in familiar places..near people i know..
But after 16 years being gone.. everything has changed.. and no one cares that i am around.. i gave up..
Just proves i didnt have many friends when i was here..and no one missed me..

One of the bad things about working 50 miles away.. most everyone else lives just as far in different directions.. so no friendships outside of work.

Just..me.

All my own fault..
Out there.. i still didnt have friends..but i had respect..and people i worked with.. relied on me.. so.i had purpose.. here.. im just that guy..
No longer the new guy..just that guy.

So still.. alone..

Fun times..

R

Long week

We had a couple setbacks.. making for a few long days.
I did not have to do the remote Friday.. but i had to cover the guy that did ..meaning i did the 3a to 11a shift.. making my day, that started at 1a ..i did not get home till 2p.. then because we were not ready..i did my normal sat morning..5a to 1p..i worked till 2 and got home at 3:30.
The week was full of early starts, and long hot days.

I am worn out.. 2 more weeks ..approx.. and the project phase will be done.. then..if i still have a job.. maybe some vacation time..
Maybe a short road trip.. maybe just sleep late and hang around the house and locality.
Next year is the road rally.. hopefully i can do that.
The one thing about being single and having a bit of spending money.. you get to go when and where you want..
Yes.. it can be more of the same..but just not stuck home.. and mostly lonely among strangers.. but not alone.

I should have L with me..and we get along well.
But ..if she finds a reason not to go..i will go and enjoy..not doing the daily..

We planned on a weekend..up north.. find a few lighthouses..and the beginning of route 1.. maybe a drive into Canada. Utilize those passports.

We will see.

Someone.. anyone.. see if you can find the time..just to let me know..
...

R

Almost...

It has been a strange weekend. ..  considerations.. thoughts..and of course no action.. but..as i look..i see the timing would not have worked anyway. So.. just the same.. but opportunities were there..and so was the thought. .. which means.. i was thinking about it..the how to..the if i should..the what would happen.. what to say..how to say it..what could happen..how it would be received..
But.. timing..and delay..caused it.. not even to matter.
Probably wont get another moment for  few weeks ..even to consider it.
The car is at the shop.. i will be working long odd shifts this week.
We will see how stressful it will be..i will plan on higher stress than it has been.. a lot is out of my control..well i have been doing more than i must..just to be sure it is less stress for me later...and everyone else.

I have back to back long late/early days this coming weekend.. if everything goes to plan..

On the home front .. the plumber got started..the city came out and hung the new gas meter the same day i called them.. and the plumber ordered the parts to finish up.  $2K and i will be ready for winter..
I have thoughts and plans for the future status of this house..
Just have to make it happen.

I dont have much else..

Time..

R

Mid month

This month is screaming on..
I got the car scheduled for Monday.. drop it off on Sunday. Then maybe 10 days.. i will drive L's till it is fixed.

Work is moving at a decent pace. May have a delay if all the parts dont show up.. but right now..i am scheduled to do an early ..2am to 10 shift on Friday..then an overnight Sat to Sun.. maybe 1a to 9a..  which all means i have to get up an hour earlier to be on site for my scheduled times..
The project..is scheduled to be done by Aug 3..then the conversion of the existing site..maybe a month more.. after that.. who knows?

The plumber came out and installed the new pipes..and the gas company mounted the meter..now waiting on furnace parts..and the plumber can finish up.. Hopefully i will save on next winters heating bill...getting rid of the propane for city gas..

Nothing else going on..still working on stuff at home..
I threw out most of my packing boxes.. still fixing radios..sent off 3 today..have 3 other  clients stuff to do.
It will pay for the gas conversion and maybe the car deductible..

My personal life is as stagnant as can be.. i work odd hours..my weekend is skewed .. Sun and Mon.. i am so beat by the end of the day..not much else happening..
We will see what happens.. it may change a little..it may change a lot..or not at all..

It is funny.. people i know.. think i am busy dating this and that..seeing one or three....nope..i would not know how to handle 2 or more..i.struggle with one...when i have one.
I cant try to squeeze in time to be available to actually have a relationship..it would be unfair...

So no one for me..

R

Make the most of ...

Just day to day..
Make the most of it.
I was really beat last night... ended up going right to sleep. I woke up at 7:30a. Went grocery shopping.. got back over the bridge just as the traffic was getting thick. .. better than going all the way to walmart..
Got home..it was cool with a breeze.. so i mowed the lawn..then rolled out the awning and sat on the deck..and had some coffee..
It was a good quiet morning..

Later L and i planted some seeds..and went for a drive. .. ended up in Newport .. walked a bit.. sat a bit.. listened to some musicians.. bought a box of cards against humanity.. then walked back to the car and drove home.
We need to plan a Newport cliff walk.. it has been a few years..

It doesn't look like we are gonna be able to do our road trip.. but need to do a drive to northern Maine..
Next year.. maybe..

Tomorrow i need to find  place to.fix the car.. and get that scheduled.
Get it back to normal.

Got to get through the project..job.. get it done..
I may be looking for a new job after..it could happen..
I would not be surprised.. disappointed..but not surprised.
It will be what it is..

We will make do.

R 7/7/19

More..not

Yes..it just keeps coming..
The installers arrived at work.. a few late days this week.. fortunately the closer we got to the holiday..the less traffic..so the  commute was better.. the installer asked if.i will be onsite at 6:30a from now on..
So up at 4:30.. leave by 5:15.. stay till 3:30p, then traffic for 2 hrs home.
10 days..less Fridays.. which will be up at 1 leave at 1:30.. for coverage..
I should be all worn out by Fall..

I need to get my car fixed. Need to find a place to take it..

We went to Plymouth center for fireworks..it was good..did a lot of walking .. good thing..the other one was postponed due to rain.

I am starting to get real tired.. gonna quit.. for today.
Much to do tomorrow.
R

Not

Yeah.. Not.

I think it is my year..of Not.

So much seemed to be going well.. better than well..
Then.. Not.

I must be paying for something i forgot..
Just a tease..
All good..better than good..
Then..bitch slap..
Wrong.. nothing for you..
In fact..even less...

So...here i am..less than before..
Less happy..less free time..less people in my circle..
Less contact..
I am less... less than me... who i was.. who i wanted to be..
Now .. less than less..

Not what i expected..
Now the excess funds are drying up.. and i have created a new expense.. i could blame it on being over worked....long drive home..
Or just not paying attention.. probably gonna be $5k.
Hopefully insurance will see most..

So with all that.. im working.. more and more..
Im not healing as fast.as fast as i injure myself..
I hurt..im fat.. im alone..
I still owe..and still make bills..
I pay what i owe.. and have debt..

What can i do??

I only know one..but the drama and baggage..and the fact that i only have 1 or 2 days free.. which i try to.spend with L..
Leaves it..to if L dont see what i do.. in you.. i wont be seeing much of you...
Being a Dad.. is more important than my mental or physical satisfaction..

So.. here i am..
Just me..
R

Add more work

I confirmed this week , that i will be either working or covering Friday early mornings. 2 to 10a or 3 to 11a.. for the rest of the summer..i. addition to early mornings during the installer crew visit next month..
On site at 6a..to 5 or 6p..Monday - Thursday..
So..i will be tired by the time i make it home..
And before we get rolling.. i have to go in on my day off this Monday to get something moved and placed before the installer crew gets here Tuesday.. and Thursday is.a holiday..but i will be working..

And..add to all that..
L was worried about a physical health issue..and made Dr. Appts..and the battery in Her car was dead.. so..i came home early to take.her to the Dr... then she had to make.a follow-up exam appt..for the day after...i bought a new. Battery..installed it.. so she could make that appt..
Everything was fine.. good to know..
On my way home ..i got in a car accident.. while i was changing lanes, in bumper to bumper traffic..the person in front of me stopped short..
Destroyed my passenger headlight..hood, grill, fender, trim.
I drove it home.. waiting for the adjuster to make an appointment.
So..limited use till we get that started.

Had a long day today.. major issues at work.. i verified all i could.. left it for the expert..conferred with him later..turned out to be an issue only he could fix..

I guess it will get busier before it slows..

I tried my firepit last night..
Disappointed.. too windy.. and kept changing so it was smoky where ever you sat.. i will have to try again..

That..is it..
R 6/29/19

Hurry up.. and wait.

The job has been full steam .. part delays and labor crew postponed..
We got as much done as we could.. i had plans to drill some holes to mount the coolant units today..but i got an email..and replied .. and was told to hold off.. regroup next week. Good thing..the station was busy today.. i got out by 1 pm.. got my 8..

Thursday..at 2p..i was told i had to cover the 3a to 11a shift.. so it was a quick turn..i got home..made dinner..cleaned up and went to sleep..
To get up...i was.back  home by 1..

Monday afternoon i got a call to go directly to the site..and.be there by 6am..so up at 4:30a ..and i worked.to 4.. and 2 hrs traffic home..
It has been a long week..

The late..long days..mean i have seen little of anyone..even L.. just work and eat and sleep.. not talking with anyone.. spending hours in the car..even at work..mostly working by myself...
Then i get home and mostly by myself..
I have no means to meet anyone new..

I realize i am in that mode..where i am realizing i am too busy with work to have time to dedicate to a new anyone.

I need more than 1 1/2 days on the end of the week..
To try to share with anyone...

Just no time to.do more than i am..

R
6/22/19

Day

It was a quiet day. Got my shopping done..i made the mistake of going to market basket after 10 am..
The store was not busy.. but the bridge traffic going home was bad..
Lesson learned.. go early or go to walmart...
Its ok..i know how to navigate traffic...
So i spent the rest of the day puttering around the house..
I decided to build a shelf for my desk.. to rearrange my workbench..
I went in the garage and started looking at the pallet wood i have..
I ended up building a dvd shelf.. assembled and stained it.. then cooked dinner.. woke L.. and ate.. then cataloged the new radios..and decided to head to town.. here i am.

I have things i should do.. not sure how to do them..
Not sure if i should ..
I have thought about what i have done and where i ended up.
I am not in the place i wanted to be..
But..i have to make do..it is not that bad.. just not as good as it was supposed to be..

I went looking for a thing.. i didnt find it..but found a bunch of my planners.. with my daily notes from 1989..up to 1994..
I looked through some of the entries..
Mostly a ledger of repair work..but milestones..of that time..
People that were in my life..important to me..
Notes of who and what was going on..
I realized ..at the time i knew RF..was not RS..
WK was not DK..
Semantics..but in the reality of it all.. it is important to me.

Yes.. i have noted important dates.. when i met someone..when they chose to not be in my life.. everything in between....everything..

Yes..i put some of the notes in code.. abbreviated..for space..
Some is too obscure for me to remember its meaning..
But.. if i think..i can figure it out..
I dont know the F in RF.. but it means i did know.. so i may figure it out...
The W..was not a D.. it immediately came back to me.. thanks Ray...
Your fault...you pawned her off on me..
But i had SR.. and it was short..

Now..we are old..er..
I m back here.. and..it appears..on my own..

Yes..i looked at the notes.. the pain and anguish i allowed back then..
A kid.. looking for love and a soul mate.. to be used and stomped down...
Funny..still happening...
Probably till it is done..

I choose poorly..

I expect others to be like me..
No agenda..no malice..

Absence of malice....

Yeah..

Yet..here i am.. doing the day to day...
Just me...

Somewhere i took a turn..
Probably a gradual turn..one i missed..
But..in this direction..
Down this road..the one where no one goes..
Just me..
I am alone..here... i have separated the me..from any possibility..
I have made decisions..that solidify...i will be alone..just me.
Clueless..and wondering why..

I got the..' you chose to live there' speech.. when i asked to  change my Friday schedule..yeah..i also chose to work there..

I think i need to look for options..

Loosing my train of thought..

Good night

R

Another Long week

The evening commute has hit a new constant.. the last 3 days have been 2 plus hours to go 52 miles.. been working mostly off site.. if i leave 5 minutes later it adds 20 minutes ..  timing is everything..
I just end up being tired and drained by the time I get home.

I have been leaving early in the mornings to avoid traffic..and get to work an hour early..but since i was told to watch my overtime..i sit in my car and read for an hour..
Also..i have just been punching 8 hours.. even when i stay late..
I cant leave stuff half finished.. so i press on to a stopping point.. so..add 10 or 15 min before i leave.. making the  commute even longer.

And once the transmitter installers are here..i will be working their schedule.. 6a to 6p..?? Meaning 4:30a to 7:30p for me..........

I chatted with an old family friend yesterday.. been 17 -18 yrs since we last talked.. lots of Changes in our lives..
We will have to catch up in person someday..

I have most of the prep work done..and plans for what i need to do going forward...work wise..
The Boss has made suggestions ..and changes.. and i have
Made my suggestions and did what needed to be done.
Now im at..the do what needs to be done..but stay out of the way..stage..
Always more to do..

All that..and i am sore.. i cant make a fist easily.. my arms are sore
My eyes hurt..

So no time for how i feel..mentally..

More to do..
More to come.

R 06/15

Not much to post

I was thinking today.. i am in a place.. a quiet place..
I do not have much to rant about.. yes..i am...lonely..
But i am busy and tired.. the only thought time i have..is during my drive to and from work.. lately it is busy..and i have to pay attention to the road and the other drivers..a bit more than before.. so no time to get lost in thought..
My weekends have been short..and busy too.. so i am to preoccupied to think about me or my situation.

I guess that is good..
Work is stable... busy..but plenty to do..and even though my boss is in charge..they keep asking me how to do this.. or for my input..
It is kinda strange when he asks me if it is ok to do something..for my opinion..or approval to do it his way.
I work for him.. if he wants a suggestion.. i will offer it..but.. he is the boss.. he should decide .. i will make it work.
But.. more to do..and i am.expected to get it done.

Home..is my quiet place.. i spend much of my time there by myself.
L is either sleeping or shut up in her room..
I will cook dinner..and.let her know... she may join me. She may not.
So most times i eat alone too.

I have plenty to do at home.. it is a house after all.. mow the lawn..clean the garage..wash the car..clean the house.. cook..do dishes..pay bills.laundry....and so on..
Plus anything i think i should add.. a new shelf..an extra outlet..
General house maintenance.
I have radio work.. i have been getting that done..
It seems to be constant.. for now..
Just a way to feel accomplished.
I am paying my bills.and going to work every day..

So no real time to feel lonely..
Yet..i. am
And i know it..

Not a lot i can do to fix it..

But in all...i feel it.

I have broken it.. and cant fix it..

R 6/10/19

Weekend..no rain...

Rain tomorrow..maybe.. i will mow the lawn if its clear..
We went for a drive.. stayed out of the traffic..ended up in Newport.. had dinner..walked around..got ice cream.. it was cool and the low clouds moved in the closer we got to Newport..so..overcast and cool but nice to be there. It made for a nice day.

I got my chores done early enough.. laundry and groceries...
Tomorrow.. i have to try the radio install again.. if that goes well..i may start driving the other car to work..it is better on gas.
Plus im racking up mileage on the newer.. got to spread it out..

I was planning on a summer road trip..but.. work is getting in the way..
I thought i could squeeze a different one at the end of August..but not sure.. and not planning for it.. will just have to wing it and see..if not.. we will do one by ourselves.. not key west..but something...

We..is L and I.

Just us...

Tuesday is the delivery day.. and it starts my busy week..
I will see if i can...get what needs to be done..on schedule..without hurting myself.. i expect to be doing a lot by myself.
Lets see..

I will perfect the work..drive ..eat..sleep..work....me
I hope...

...
R

Can I do a bit more??

Yes. I do not have a choice.
Delivery 2 will be here Tuesday.
The Boss and i will have to unload it.
We got the first small shipment unloaded. .. uncrated..and set.
Spent 2 days cleaning up the packing materials. Made room for the next batch.  The install crew is delayed.
We have been asked to some of their prep work to save time.
So... i will be doing the mounting and measuring and fitting of the 2" coolant plumbing. Mounting the heat exchangers.. dry fitting the plumbing.  In addition to uncrating, placing and loading 3 more cabinets.. and disposing of a that packing and pallet wood.
All with out the help i had last week.. he will be on vacation..
So...on me.
Gonna be some longer days this month.

We chatted about job hunting .. maybe a couple new opportunities opening up..

I got a call last night.. someone was re entering my number in their new phone..and called me...
We.chatted.. they thought i was involved with the person i went to dinner with last year ..around this time.. no.. they were leaving..to another country..and no plans to come back.. that is why i went to dinner and spent time with my old friend ..someone i have not seen since i was 15....and probably wont ever see again.
No.. i have been alone since November.. and probably for the rest of this year at least.. work will be my all till at least September.

I cannot even think about starting any relationship..i do not have time..
Or the energy.. relationships require communication..time..and understanding..i have little of each..and it will get worse..with the work project..

So..i am ....  stuck.. and still alone.

I think i know why..
I have considered the explanations..
I know.. you think im mad at you...
I think your mad at me..
You wont talk to me..i wont try to talk to you..
I dont think you want to anymore.
I know i am not.. him.. i wasnt trying to be.. but i think you thought i was.. you panicked.. corrected..i lost..

I dont know if it can be fixed..but it has been 7 months..

You know..you build up every day contact.. then you are touching close..and it collapses.. you try a day to.day.. and it stops.. end..done.
Is there any chance?

...

R

The status quo...

Yep.. not much is working in my favor.
L got a rejection letter from the job interview ... :(

I did not finish the car radio..
The plumber told me to call someone else..
I did not get to see my friends band today..

I ended up..working around the house..
I did finish 3 sets of repairs.. sent out the bills.
I have 3 more sitting in boxes.

I did not do much outside.. it was a nice day..and so far a nice night.
I did not get or build a fire pit..i decided against the gazebo..
I did mount some lights on the deck..
Maybe tomorrow i will update the radio in l"s car.
It isnt a 3 day weekend for me..i had to work Sat.. and i will get paid for Monday as a holiday.. but..that is all..2 days off.

Tuesday will be long.. early delivery..and staging and uncrating..
Then begins the even longer days..
The build crew should be here soon..and the week next another delivery.. then a few weeks of build..and fetch..
We have less than 2 months to be up and running. .. starting from scratch....

L is not good.. stresses with her friends.. one has decided to stop talking with the other.. she is stuck in between.. and stressed.. plus the job rejection..

I am failing.. again..

I have had no overtime for the last month..
I have been going in early..and not punching in..i leave ..and just put the scheduled time.. i have finished my book.. and started a new one..
I spend that early hour reading in the parking lot.. then go in and clock in.

I am waiting to hear about it...
The commute sucks if i leave  to get there at the start time..so it is better to leave early..and have an hour to myself..and i get to read...yes..my day is now 3 hours longer.. and i have summer traffic to deal with.. Friday it took me 2 1/2 hours to drive 42 miles home..
It is summertime on the Cape...

I will get thru it.. my situation will change..as it always does..
I will ..i do..

Oh.. yeah..happy anniversary..

Lol..

R 5/27/19

Sunshine

Here we go.. the sun has chosen to shine for this weekend!
I bought a mower and mowed my lawn during the 2 hours of sunshine last weekend.. i am looking to buy or build a fire pit in my back yard..maybe buy a gazebo..maybe.. they are everywhere right now..
Im still working on the car radio.. bought some cables..i am getting quotes for lp to natural gas conversion.. the first..no reply..the second..$1900..lets see about the third.. i had an inquiry about my old engine..but they didnt want to pay enough.. so probably not gonna sell it.
I have an appointment for car service, on Monday..10k plus between now and the last oil change..
I am still finishing up one batch of radio repairs.. and another couple on the way ..
Work..delays..due to shipping..but been hard at work the past few weeks.. still doing demolition of the old... today it was industrial heat exchanger tear down.. 3 hours.. drilling..hammering and un-bolting..
I am so sore. .. cut..bruised.. old.

L is still waiting on a callback for a job..they said.2.to.3.wks..monday will be 2 wks..

I need to plan a vacation.. i was hoping for the first week of August..but work said no.. so..looking at possibly a different road trip in Canada the last week of August.  We will see..

R

Rain

Yeah..its May..spring.. the flowers are blooming the grass is growing.. it has been raining.. and raining..
I know.. a few months from now..it will be hot..

Yes, i need to buy a mower.. and get the lawn done.. i have a plumber coming tomorrow..to get an estimate for natural gas conversion.
So a few things..

I did work on the car radio..the satellite works..but not the aux or USB..so i had to order some cables.. i also should look for a face plate so i dont have to modify the existing.. but i could.

I did some work on the radio repairs.. got one of 2 nearly done.. and parts on the way for others.
Plenty of stuff to do..

While i was working on the car radio..i think the engine code cleared.. so the new thermostat housing seems to have worked..i need to clean the one i removed and send it back ..

So much for the day to day..

Not much else..

R 5/12/19

May..

I am sore.. tired and busy.
Work is been .. work. I have cut my overtime as much as i can. ..per request.. i have been trimming my hours ..waiting to clock in..  clocking out  early to "fit" my schedule.. i still ended with 3 hrs ot.. but not noticeable.. no need to 'justify' ..
I have been working .. i feel i have accomplished something each day.
I am scarred and bruised and sore every night. .. tired and somewhat satisfied that i have done all i could.  I am still providing studio support..but my primary is getting the "site" ready for new equipment.
I spent 4 hours today cleaning..taking out the trash..sweeping and moving equipment around..making room for deliveries..scheduled for next week.. we have been scrapping old equipment..breaking it down for recycle..last week it was over $1600 .. for just a van load of copper, brass and steel.  The electricians have been in all week..and getting closer to being ready to power the new equipment.

Home.. i need to buy a mower..i thought i had one.. but no..and with all tbe rain..my grass is tall.. the plow guy offered last weekend to mow..but since i didnt have cash.. said he would be back.. never happened.. and of course it has rained every weekend cor the past month.. maybe Monday.. i will buy a mower and do the front yard.
It is gonna rain tomorrow..Sunday..
L's interview went well..she had to drive 40 min each way for it..they said they will be in touch in a couple weeks..
Her car is good..i replaced the thermostat housing..again.. thursday evening... and she took it out today with no issue..except i may need to take it to the dealer to clear the codes.. ..
I should drive it to work for a week.. just to make sure it is good.
I plan on working on the radio in her car tomorrow after groceries..

Speaking of radios.. i got 2 more in the mail to fix..making the current backlog 6.. i have ordered parts and am waiting on some power plugs..
Plus one of the new boxes will need a part.. ..
So as always..plenty to do..plenty to keep busy..

I had lots to post..ideas..thoughts..but..all gone now..
Better this way.. no need to dig up crap to make me lonelier..
I have moments ..usually when driving..wow..that would be a good topic.. and gone.. not that important.. enough to remember..
..

That being said..

Brain dump. . . .

L is home..she went out early this morning..to an event.. no issues..had a great time.. i met her after work.. we went go dinner.. ten home..then out for ice cream.
She is not afraid to do things.. she just needs things to do..
I am the same.. work provides me with a place to be..a reason to get out of bed.. i strive to accomplish the required tasks.. it is simply 'busy work'.. satisfaction is primarily decided by my paycheck.. personally.. i get a bit more.. but i get paid..so i work..
It is circular..

I am alone.. most of the time.
All on me..
I am the reason..
Not much has changed in the many years since school..

I never ever wanted to be alone..
I find.. i am, most of the time..
Either because of me..or in spite of me..
ISTBA knew.. that is why he never came back..
I think he is hanging with Charles L and Duane..out in Hawaii..
So..without L.. i would be..

I moved here..to be alone in a familiar place..
I think i knew .. this is were i would end up..
Either alone..or here..or both.
I chose a job..
One that once L has a life without me..
I could dedicate all my time to work.. away and at home..work.
No reason to meet anyone..no time.. no opportunity..
Just to solidify.. the reason..why i am ... alone..

I did the .. find old friends..old loves thing.. it turned out to be a reminder .. you are old... you are alone for a reason..

Obvious.

You make bad decisions.. you have always settled..
Tried to adjust.. accept.. rationalize...
Compromise..
It usually never works to your favor..
More often..it works against ..

But in the end..

Alone...

You know..
When i am happy..
When i think i have figured it out..
That club hits me when i am not looking..
Wrong..
You stopped trying..  because you thought you didnt need to anymore..
You had found that comfortable place..person..
You could focus on other things.. cause you were there..

Nope..

Not even close..

So .. you end up alone..

Now..
Old and alone..

R 5/12/19

Week..end

Well i made.it to Saturday.  I have found a happy medium with my work schedule. Since i have to work the 7:30a to 3:30p shift..and morning traffic sucks at that time..i can either leave 15 minutes later and get to work at 7:30, after sitting in traffic for an hour and 30 mins..or i can leave at my regular time..and get to work at 6:30a..then sit in my car and read till 7:30a.  I still have to work till 3:30p..and drive home..usually for an hour and a half..or more.. making my day 3 hours longer..but i am getting time to read.
I have been doing this for the last 2 weeks..and i still end up with OT..but not as much.
It will average out.

L has an interview Monday a 40 min drive from home..i have a tire shop appt. Monday as well.
Good luck L!

Work for me ..is work.  Been busy..getting it done..and expecting deliveries over the next few weeks..still have a disassembly to finish and more scraping.  Then assembly time. Our schedule is set for Aug 1.

With all that..i have been tired..worn.. fortunately i do get sleep most nights. Monday nights are always tough..either cant get in bed early enough or when i do..i can't sleep.  Big empty bed..

No time for much else.
Not much for me to offer..always working... little free time to share..
So..that would make it hard to start any new friendships..

Not much new there..

Go figure..

R 5/4/19

1 year

Well, it has been one year since I moved.
Tomorrow will be 1 year at the new job.
Wednesday will be 6 months in the new house. Next week will be one year with the new car, I have put 40,000+ miles on it. Mostly back and forth to and from work. It needs tires and a state inspection sticker for May.

I have to replace the thermostat again in the old car. The one i put in 2 months ago is bad. It will be a few hours work and a $45 part.

I finished my bookshelf. Emptied all my hard cover books into it..i seem to be missing a few... and i need to find a home for the 6 boxes of paperbacks..probably put them in the basement.

Work is slowly getting busy. I had to work 7 days in a row. Ending on a late shift on Sunday. Which got extended due to an issue that had to be resolved. I didnt get home till 2:30a.
Well i get the next 2 days off.. Mon and Tues.

L is waiting on a call back for a job.
We are waiting on our govt.documents.
We both need to see a dentist and find local doctors.

Life goes on.

I found out a classmate, co-worker, is back in town, and a local town manager.
I need to look him up. See if he has any openings. Or if he may in the future.
(For when the current job decides i am done).

I have a few repairs at home. I just finished another, put it in the mail today.
Ordered parts for a couple of the others.
I just have to find time to work on them when i am awake enough..

The last week..i am so sore and ache all over. I am bruised. And stiff.. i need these 2 days to recoup.
It is justified..i did pull/push four 4000lb pieces of equipment all around our building usually with no help. On a pallet jack..

I need to make an appt with a chiropractor.

Sleep..would be nice too..
Its just a big ... empty.. bed.

So..pay the bills..buy what i need.
Do my best at work.

Get up and drive to work each day..drive
home..cook dinner.. clean and sleep.

Repeat.

Anyone know any bridge repairmen?

R 4/29/19

Travel plan canceled

The trip i was hoping to go on, has to be canceled. Work will demand my presence that week. I could go the day before the event..but i need 2 days minimum to travel to the location.. so not this year..

As for a short trip.. we could do that.. i want to try that..once the weather gets better and stable... Just a weekend or 3 days.
Should be fun.

Then later this year, maybe a family visit trip..
If i still have a job.. who knows what will happen after i finish what i was hired for.

I am  coming up on 1 year at work. Got my cost of living raise..but i am sure that is all. It is adequate. The new company is being formed..changes are coming.

I have been finishing my shelf. I hope to install it tomorrow. I have an appointment in town at noon..then maybe go back and move the shelf and load it with the books.. getting rid of the boxes in my dining room.

I have been told to cut back on my overtime and to change my morning start time.. to an hour later..which means my day ends later..and the drive home will be longer. Minor adjustments.  But all in a days work.

I am hoping to get the work cleanup done in time to receive the new equipment. .. with out having to use overtime.
The vendor that i hoped would purchase and pickup the decommissioned equipment..declined. so I am going to either move and store it or drain and scrap it.
I did prove on Friday that i can move the bigger pieces.. by myself..so with help it should not be an issue..

The rest is very much the same.. all the heavy work i have been doing has left me sore top to bottom for the last few weeks. Im not sleeping well..and driving has been challenging late in the day.. just to stay awake.. gasoline is up.. so i may start taking the older car to.work..better on gas.. we will see how.the traffic is.

I am getting tired.. time to go to sleep..my alarm went off at 4:20a this morning.. i answered a text and went back to bed.. then up at 7..so it has been a long day..

R 4/14/19

Try again..

Im a bit more awake tonight. Lets see if i can finish a post ...

I do not remember what i was ranting about.. but it is probably the same as i have been thinking .. just keeping busy to not feel so lonely.

Missing someone to talk to. Missing someone to share my time with.
Work and chores keep me occupied.. and the weather is turning nicer so maybe i can get out of the house a bit more.
Work is getting busy as we approach the next phase.. been working hard..lots of physical labor. All in prep for new equipment.
I have a lot to get done in the next few weeks.

So not a lot of time for me to think just about me.
That usually only happens when im commuting..or late at night when i should be sleeping..

Then..after this phase of work..a month of install..and maybe we can road trip..

Got to plan it..
Got to do it..

R 4/7/19

April 2018

ok.. i have started the new month.
i have been good.. just work and home.. drives with L.. work on projects at home..

i am alone.. most of the time. Everything i need to get done is on me.
i just read some of my earlier posts, and really nothing has changed.
I am still alone.. A is totally ghosted.. zero contact.. I am sure she doesn’t even know I have sold everything and moved away. Coming up on a year..

I have my home. I have my car fixed. Hell, i got a raise this week.. small percentage but not bad.
 I have been building a bookshelf, so I can empty the remaining boxes.
I have found a couple travel destinations to shoot for this year.
I have ordered city gas, to be cheaper than Propane.

I dosed off.
It didn’t save all i wrote..

Oh well.. Time for sleep..

R