Holiday's approaching

It is the 23rd of December, I ave been working the 3 to 11A the past week, and a 5 to 1P on Sat.
I am about as burnt out as I have been .. I get to do it again this week.
Work the holiday's and eat and sleep..
I have ordered a few things and paid for the house essentials, met with someone about getting on city  gas and off propane.. but ..of course, it wont go in till March/April. 
I bought a house generator.. and gifts..  the engine will arrive at the end of next week.. I have tools to buy.

Still work , eat, sleep.. pay bills.. I have stuff to fix, I need to spend some time on the bench.
I still need furniture for my room. and the office. But so far the kitchen is set up and functional.

I have not done any yard work, or even opened the shed. I probably should go out and start the snowblower and make sure I have fuel. The leaves can blow around for now.

The rest of the house is clean, and I still need to figure out bookshelves and file cabinets.
Today, My day off, will be shopping and maybe a drive.. maybe some time on the workbench.
Not much else to do but catch up on sleep. I tried to visit yesterday, but no one was home.
I didn't call or text.. so my bad.

After this week, I go back to a regular schedule then another shift change to the 3p to 11p for 6 days..
that will be fun.. if i am not completely burnt out by the end of that.. I should be able to handle anything.

I go a text yesterday morning at 1:15a from my old work, stating they had completed the remote automation and that "we are done here" meaning they are now unmanned.  5 of guys who used to work for me are unemployed.  Sorry.. Not a thing I could do.

Just another 5 people to add to the list of those that hate me. Really no fault of mine, but I am the one that will be blamed.

sorry..

Just another reason the explains why I am still just me, all alone.
If I could do something I would, I did as much as I could.. but fell short..
Knowing this, dont ease the stress..or allow me to sleep..

Well, time to get into bed and try to sleep. I have chores to do in the morning..

R 12/23/18

Mid December

Things are settling in. Spent the day emptying and moving boxes.
Found a closer grocery store. Looked for a cable i am sure i have..somewhere..  still looking.
Did my weekend chores..
Just decided to eat and listen to tv.
Not much else going on.
My Monday will be cut short..i start the 3A shift on Tuesday. I did one on Friday..simple shift swap..but.. this week it will be all week. Then a Sat  coverage. Then again next week.
Sometimes it sucks being the new guy.
We still have the company sale pending.. and all the changes it will cause. Just have to hope i will still be employed when it settles.

Yet. I have a home..and it is out of town. I have lived the last 17 years in the middle of one of the busy areas.. close to work.. now..i am out in the woods.. i have to drive to everything. Nothing is close by..
Just L and I at home.. never much on tv.. there is still stuff to do..
Set up and arrange..
I cleared out the kitchen.. gonna setup the bar stools and figure out the dining area and bookshelves that will clear out the last of the boxes in the dining room.
Still need bedroom furniture.. a desk and night stands..
That is it for the house..
I need to pickup the engine..and start on the car..
I could start taking it apart.. since its just sitting in the garage.

The rest of my life is just bland. No one and nothing.
I am sure i have alienated anyone that used to be in my life.
Timing and perceptions have made me someone to avoid.
I tried to keep in touch.. but now.. Nothing.
Nobody.
No family..no friends.. not meeting anybody new..
Just work..home..sleep..work..repeat.
I still have.. plenty to do at home.. plenty to do at work..
We can drive.. and shop.. and go out to eat..
I have..to finish some tasks..and survive the winter..
Lets see..

I have been alone.
I have survived..
I am lonely..i have been lonely..i will be again..
I dont find situations that last..
I did survive 20 yrs in a situation..but it was so limited..
Work..home..work.. but someone to come home to..
Someone to be with L.
Now..it is just me.

I somehow..have isolated me from everything.

I just dont know..
What is next..

R
12/16/18

End of the first week back to work

The vacation was good. The drive totally uneventful. Just travel.
We got to share seeing a few new things. L got to eat alligator tail! For breakfast! I tried it. Better than i thought it would be.
We had a bit of rain on the drive home. A change of hotel on the way back.. just sketchy..  better choice. In the end we were more comfortable.
We stopped again at L"s great aunts and left mid morning. Better for traffic.
Just quality time.
I worked my regular week.. and another this week..then..schedule change..vacation coverage.. through new years.  Early early mornings..for 2 weeks. Then a week of late afternoons.
So.. just have to adjust.

I have several things to get done at home..and the replacement motor should arrive in a week or so.
So have to plan to get that work done.

All is as i am used to.. just L and I.
Work and sleep.
Nothing else.

My schedules dont allow for anything social.
So..just dont plan.. no expectations..no disappointment.

NeNd

12/9/18

Last night of November 2018

It has been a good few days.
Spending time with my daughter.

A short vacation, another of my get in and drive vacations.
It is good for me. I think good for L too. We can talk...or not..
We can share the experience..
Scout future trips. Just enjoy time together.
We are not getting any younger.

I told her tonight..while we were walking..how much i enjoy spending time together. I said i know that someday we wont be able to that she may find someone else to occupy her time. I appreciate that she is willing to do this.
I hope it sparks that travel bug in her.
That need to explore and see new things..to not be afraid to go..anywhere. to do things just because.
Not to just sit at home.

My father got me into traveling..exploring..for all of his steadfast rock solid, dedication to work..he took the time to just go. Sometimes he planned and saved..sometimes just did it.
I remember that year we all went on a family vacation ..funded almost entirely on change..rolls of quarters & half dollars.. cashed in Pennies..

I dont think anyone else noticed..

So.. here i am.. almost ready to head back to work.. longer days..long weekends..and of course..holidays..which i will have to work.
But..it pays my bills.. and keeps the new roof over my head.

I have to begin the motor swap. And get the car setup for L.
I need to think about putting heat in the garage.. and some insulation.
Maybe a small wood stove...Pearl and Betty will like that.
So will i if I'm working in there..in New England winters..

Also..i need to think more about a truck.. for when Betty isn't big enough.

Here comes the last month of 2018.
2019 has lots for me to get done.
I will plan a few tasks..and accept what comes.
I always think about the things i must do to get to the next me..
I am not always realistic..and kid myself that i can do some of these things..  but it has happened.. i have let go and just done it..
To my surprise.. most times it has been for the better..not best.. but good for the time it was.

Yet.. i dont expect those opportunities to present themselves in the near future. But..i need to remember to allow it..be aware..not closed.

Yet.. here i am..

The road tomorrow..
Sleep now..

R 11/30/18

End of November 2018

Well, I made it. Sat down. Signed everything. Set the delvery. Paid my motel bill. Cleaned up. Started to unload..trying to find a place for everything.
Got L situated and bought a desk for her and mattress for me. No bed..but a new mattress and a couch and loveseat.
After a couple nights and work.. bought a frame and figured out a temporary solution for a desk. Internet and tv.. set up my bench and antenna.  Getting settled. A few long days and got home and passed out..then  back to straightening and placement.
Cooked a bunch. Getting used to my new kitchen.
In time for thanksgiving.. bought a ham..simple..pre-cooked..
Took it a bit more...bought a turkey breast..seasoned and cooked it too.sides and pie.. just the 2 of us. Family together. She helped and it was a great way to start our new situation.

So..after that..i had to plan to use my vacation time..
So i dont loose it.
I decided to take a road trip.
I had to work all thanksgiving week..so looked at the schedule..and realized..i cant take any time in December..actually i am covering everyone elses vacation. Even longer weeks..
So.. road trip.. go visit L "s aunt in Brooklyn..then decide what to do with the rest of my time..
Well..go south..might as well keep going..all the way to the end..
Key west.
Spend some time..enjoy the sights..swim..tourist..
Then drive back...2 stops..then home and work.

I have been taking stock..thinking.. realizing.. here i am...
I have been here before and here i am.

Another year older..
Again passed with very little notice.

I explained to L , that i have always had open doors to family and friends..and no one cared.. being back on the east coast..wont matter..

If i want to see or hear from anyone..i will have to initiate.

Because i am such a bad friend..the same goes for friends.
I dont think i am approachable.. yet..only one in 55 years ever asked..
Always me..
And i guess i suck at that too.. these past couple months proved that.

So..here i am .. And i dont expect it to change..
It may be different..for a little while..but the result will be the same.
I am too old to get away with what worked before to curb my isolation..now there is so much that is different..and so hard to look over..
I can be sweet and understanding..
But i never see it for me.. i am expected to ignore everything..
And not be me..
After all this time..i have very little expectations..
I ask very little..and try to give so much.. no one does the same..beyond settling for me..

Then i am alone again.

Here i am..

December is coming.. long days..changes of schedule..January is the same too. Just work..eat..sleep..work..repeat.

I have electronics to fix..a car to fix.. a life .. to watch pass me by.

Right now..no other options..
No one wants to share

All my fault..it is who i am...always have been.

It seems that i have strategically.. made it more this way..
I have no network..no friends..not more than me and L.

December is next.

R 11/29/18

Tomorrow. .

Wow! What a long couple weeks..
Early long days..
Late days and longer..
Many 15 hour evenings..
18 innings.. started at 2pm.. till 5am.. then again.
Yep.. all but travel paid..but endless long days..
Thanks Red Socks for not dragging it out for 7 games.

So.. tomorrow. . Meet at 8 to walk through..then off to sign and pay.. empty my bank account..and have a home.. a few more days..to collect and gather and begin setup.. it has been a long 8 weeks..
I will be busy for the next few ..settling in.. getting what I need to make my home mine..
Then work..work and isolation.
I must plan a few holiday road trips..since no reason to be home..
I will move the car and engine and spend time putting the two into one.. close that chapter.. then it is on!
I have some vacation time to use..and a little cash..
Lets see..
Or I could just keep working..and spend whats left on making home where I want to be.. and plan for next year.
Plan..

I need to find a comfortable mental place..
Where I can setup my library.. and read..
Tinker with my electronics and radios.. and
Forget about ISTBA .. and just remember I want to be here.

Winter is around the bend..and it is so different from what I am used to..

I need to worry about my worth at work.. be aware of what I need to be doing.. and step up and do all I can..
Work late..volunteer for shifts.. go above.. and make myself valuable. . Don't mess up.

I have a long road.. I hope it lasts..


All said.. I did this life change..to make improvements to my situation.. I can be alone anywhere..I hope L will move forward and find her place.. my challenge is to help make that happen.

Many see her..stature and assume she is a kid.. naive. . Innocent..
But she sees all.. learns..and adjusts her persona to fit your perception.. she is intelligent and has experienced more than she shows.. she will be quiet and see what you expect of her..and rise or lower to that expectation..and observe.. she hates confrontation.. and reverts to innocence. .
She is calculating..and observant..
For her own protection..
But we see a hiding child..
As she wants us to..

I see that protection..
Shying away from confrontation..arguments.. and grief.

She adults when we let her.. I find that hard to do..
My fault.. but..

This time tomorrow. . I will have my time frame for the end of my transient period.
I will not have internet or phone for a week..and will need to shop for missing furniture. . And all that comes with a new home..
Heck I need a bed!

Then.. I should find a life.. one for me..

R 10/29/18

posted from Bloggeroid

Getting closer.. but to what??

In essence... not a thing..
Not closer to anyone..or anything..
Work is further.. food..groceries..entertainment..all further..
Friends.. they could be on a different planet and be closer.
I dont start over well..
I can disappear easy enough..
If I stop.. insterting myself into peoples lives.. I become transparent.. what used to work for me..is so out dated.. and lame.. nothing compares.
I have work.. soon I will have a place to be my reason to work..

Work has taken full advantage of my not having any other life..
I was expected to work till whenever on a day I normally arrive at 5am.. I ended up staying till 6:30p.. then drove 2 1/2 hours to get home.. yes I got paid to work 12.5 hours.. and yes I got to eat my first meal of the day at 7:30pm...
But I have a job..and somewhere to go each day..

I chose this..
Here I am a nobody.. I have noone.. I have been no where..
I soon will sever the last tie I have.. and be alone in the woods..
I didnt plan for it..but this is where I am.

No one calls..no one texts. Emails..
I dont have many I can go see.. my own family treats me as if I am still 2000 miles away..

All my fault..
I should have been one of the sheep.. stay in the fold..close to home..forget following my heart..or head..
Doing anything for me..
I was wrong.. still am...wrong.

I have been mistaken for someone I cannot be.. wasn never trying to be. I was accused of expecting things be done..but never even thought that way.. I have been pushed into positions I never wanted to be in.. yes I reacted..and badly.. because I didnt expect to be treated that way..even if it was to prove a point..
If you test me..I will fail.. if you trust me..I will succeed.
I can rise to expectations..I will mess it up if you doubt my integrity.
It is not that I cant.. I just dont test well..
I can surprise you or anyone .. if you show that I am needed..
But try to test if I am worthy.. I am not.
I am human.. I justify everything I do.. I will never be perfect.. I will never be who you thought was perfect.. I am not him..nor do I want to try to be..
I am just me.

Have I not proved that???
More than once..

Yes, I am not worthy..

No reason to make me suffer..
So many have done just that..
Made it impossible to be me.
I just cant be anyone else..
No big surprize there.. at least it should not be.. but for some reason ... it is..

So..I will collect my things and go home.. in the woods.. and disappear.

I say this as I sit.. here..surrounded by strange people.. invisible..
Nothing new or different.. same situation.. different location..
I guess I will survive..

Finalize the things I must.. move the stuff.. finish the tasks..

Just pay the bills.

It must be time..

10 days to sign.. stop being a transient..
Probably 15 to start unloading and setting up .. my new place.
Where I belong.. away from everything..and everyone.

I bet I am still seen as a liar.. a cheat..a creep..and what ever else was misconstrued. .

It wont be much different than any other time..

I need to find ISTBA..

R 10/22/18

posted from Bloggeroid

Getting to be Fall

Yes..the hight temp this week will be 65.. last week it was 80 on Wednesday. . Then rain and cold.. Autumn has come. Probably no mor warm days .. I still havent worked on the engine or moved the car.. looks like I will have to wait till I can get it in MY garage..
So a few more weeks... I have priced rental trucks and searched for tow companies. . I need to visit AAA.. but I think it is gonna cost me ..go figure..

I heard my former assistant quit.. he was having trouble adjusting to the stresses of work after his wife died.. he needs to take care of his son.. and himself..

Work is going and staying busy.. the motel is bearable..but I cannot wait to be in my own home.. away from noisy neighbors that come home at 10 and slam doors and talk loud slam things.. just be annoying.

Not much else can be done. I need to find my schedule.. a routine..
I was getting up at 3 and driving to work at 4 to start at 5am.. traffic was light.. but after 16days of that.. I am back to leaving at 5 to start at 6am.. and I hit the merging traffic at the end of one hwy..making the end of the day later..and adding in the evening traffic..so the drive home is that much longer.. and by the time I get home..all I want to do is eat and sleep..

I know... blah blah blah...
But that is all I have.. nothing else going on..
Drive.. work..drive..eat..sleep...repeat..
I dont have reliable internet at the motel..so I can not social..ize..
I watch a bit of tv and pass out on the couch to get up to go to bed..
If I am not grocery shopping..cooking or doing laundry..
Blah..blah..

I have no one to chat with.. no one to vent to..
I have L but..there is only so much we can talk about.. she is doing little..stalled by the RMV..still waiting..
Then it will be stalled by the car.. waiting on me..
I have no friends offering help..or even that I can ask for help or support.. i am here.. as I always am.. have been.. me.

I am sure I have destroyed the bridge to companionship..the one i crossed when I got here.. I went down that one way road..and over the next bridge as it was burning.. to become an after thought. I have tried to prove I am still here.. but..I am invisible.. I have to reach.. to show I am still here.. but.. soon to be 8 miles away.. which I know will be farther than 2000..

Sorry.. I am just me.

I will just disappear into the woods.. and be forgotten.

After living close to everything.. for 16years.. I have chosen to live near nothing.. everything will be a drive.. no walking over to the pub..or short drives for Pizza..
I guess subconsciously this was on purpose. . I was accessable..available for so long..and no one cared..
Now I will be out of the way..distant..difficult. . I can hermit..
I can learn from L how to be distant..
Other than work..no one will see me..unless I seek them out..
Nothing changed there.. but..I will not have a place to be alone in the crowd.. I will just be alone.
Nothing changed really.. just more isolated.

Time to start reading my books and growing my library..
Tinker..and repair stuff..become..an old guy..

Realization..
My life.

I have no one else I can piss off..
No one else I can make hate me..
No one else that thinks the worst of any of my good intentions.

Now I see why people leave the country..and just disappear.

I have been accused of playing..I would not know how..
I cant even figure out how to prove them wrong..
I made a choice .. and didnt choose them.. just to show I can make mistakes .. and end up feeling worse..I can revisit..because I hurt them for choosing.. not them..

now I feel like a shit.. i know I chose what I wanted..but now..I am unwanted.. not even considered.. and the choices are not any more.. yes ..still friendly..but reminded often.. I chose wrong..and we all are alone..

And here I am..
I was asked today..why did I choose a motel so far from work? ..
Why did I choose to buy a house so far from work?..
Good questions.. I have no answers..
I made these choices 3 months ago..hoping to be close to something. . That no longer exists..

I made choices..to relocate..and all included..to be pushed out..denied..hurt.. made to feel inadequate.. made to feel wrong for caring.. for..being .. .....
Just to be here..and alone..isolated..forced to change all..
And forced to decide to be where I am.
Make do..
Become an after thought..

I think an after thought is one that comes way after a general consideration. . After..
No longer important. .
Not even considered..unless reminded..

I am used to this from family and friends..
Not...from those I have tried so hard to be with..
Just .. not.

It hurts..

I know there is nothing I can do..
Once a mind is made up..
Once you..think something. .you look..and find anything to justify..
And it is always there.. little things that were minor become major..
Things you would normally forgive..and forget..become creepy and a deal breaker.. you find things you did out of condieration..you do t anymore.. they dont matter that much..because I am me..deal with it.. you stop being nice.. considerate.. you find ways to make them question why..

They finally react..or reason that they must .. change the situation.. and then it is their fault..

Justified!!!

And it ends..

They could walk away.. not look back.
Accept the blame.. accept that anything they do is wrong..
And just hurt.

But..we try .. hope.. wait..
See if there is any way ..
To end up wondering...

Is it me.. ??
Must be..
It has always been me..
(See the previous posts)
All me.

I was not meant to be anything other than what I am...now.

R
10/14/18

posted from Bloggeroid

One project down

I have finished my 15 days of OT. We have about a week or so of..burn in.. but..project done. My boss actually said I could take tomorrow off. .
I will.. because I wont have any problems making 40hours..
So.. I will sleep in.. maybe till 7...lol..

I have a couple chores I need to do.. shopping.. haircut.. a bit of sleep.. maybe dinner.. I need to get some things planned..

I am lonely again..
I thought I had that fixed.. but.. I thought wrong..
You know.. in the end..I just am not that ghost.. I am this guy..me..the one who cares..understands what most do not..
I get stuff most dont..I am forgiving.. and patient. . I care..maybe too much..but one thing time has done is..make me guard my heart a bit more than I used to.. not give so much.. or too much..because..it ends up just destroying me..
Im not too jaded..just slightly cautious..
Yes..I let my guard down and go all in..and usually get burned..
As always..

So..here I am..25 days before I can start feeling normal.. comfortable again..
In my place.. at least a place I can feel is mine.

Phone is dead..
More later.
R 10 9 18

posted from Bloggeroid

That thing I do...

Thinking...

I don't always do it when I should...or about what I should..but I do..many times too much.. most times not enough.

I have been looking back..
I realize I have been repeating a pattern..
Not a good one..
But one that leaves me right where I am now.

Since it is a repeating pattern..I deserve the result..because I could have realized this a long time ago... like when I was 18..
Back when I knew everything....

I have been told a few things.. about my past..things I didnt know.
I had to be told.. I never saw it.. it took 20 years to be told the truth..
And looking back, after I was told.. a lot made sense..but..
I didnt realize the pattern..my behavior..my choices..decisions.. selections.. were a repeating pattern.. the means to my situation..then .. now .. and many in-betweens..

As I look back..I can see the repetition. . The causes..and the results..

The first..
Revealed I was the solution to a situation.. a step..
never came clean..but I was suddenly not..
No explanation..no warning.. just.. bye.
Looking back..I was the escape clause..

Next..
This was one of the hard ones..I fought for five years..to be betrayed..then 2years later to be given a chance..then a year ..or less...once I was comfy..and actually planning.. told I didnt matter and was replaced. Just like that.. goodbye.

Then I took a break..escaped to my friends..ignored everyone else..
Im sure I passed up a few chances.. I know this to be true..at least twice that I saw / realized.... probably more..
Then..out of no where...

I was a solution. .escape for yet another..
I had means.. trust.. and the situation fit the time..
They got out from under mothers watchful eye..and all was good..
Then.. temptation caused her to slip.. and guilt caused an 'out of the blue' goodbye.. and add a bit of undeserved guilt to me..until the truth came out... but that was a months later.. but no way back..because there was really nothing there...

Then.. I met one that kept everyone.. I got caught up..
I was amazed that someone like that would even be interested..
And seemed to truly be interested... but that was who she was.. like a spider..if you got too close..you found yourself in the web..wondering how..wishing she wound come back..but dangling.. she was done and you were trapped.. till you looked around and saw the others..still stuck beside you.. some got free only to get stuck again..if you were not in the center of the web..you got ignored..
You heard the 'vibrations' about who she really was and had to choose to believe..ignore..or figure out the meaning of it all..
But in the end you were discarded...never worthy again.. if at all.

So I chose to befriend unattainables for a while..and poked at the web a few times..to be reminded I will be ignored.. then chose to vacate. .escape to Florida..

Oh .. I found a couple in Florida..that needed someone to use..
One chose me..and I accepted.. it was interesting.. and fine..till she realized I was not like most and refused to use me anymore..didnt want to hurt me .. actually..she said we needed to break up.. because she could love me.. and was not ready for that.
(Sorry if you are still reading these.. you know who you are)
Yeah..I know..you were young..

Then was the one that was just looking for some fun..and found me..
She could not commit..because she had obligations..and I was not established enough to be more than a weekend diversion..

So I turned to banter with a friend..which ended with a visit and actually meeting her roommate..

Yeah..another that was looking for an escape..
Out of her marriage..a safe guy to appease her family so she didnt have to come out... yet..I was blinded..and fell.. created a wonder and once she explained.. we decided to be parents..and friends..
Oh I give her credit..she faked it very well.. we worked it out..raised ours together.. did a good job till it was decided..and seperated..
My only regret..was her total seperation..

I rekindled with an old friend..but realized life had done a lot to us..we were rolling down differnet highways.. and friends is all we will ever be.. it was a mutual decision.. she had forgot a lot about our past...but remembered our connection.. even if she didnt remember why we were connected.

I found another.. she thought I was too good for her... her self esteem would not let her free..so she sabotaged us as often as she could. . Then life and family gave the out..just as she realized I could be... she could not..

The next was unexpected.. someone I had seen..in a common place..needed a friend to escape a bad situation.. I was willing..
I was a bit scared of the redhead..but intrigued..
It was an experience..but..I was..holding back..and she fell..
I was almost what she needed.. but..I got to know what lifestyle she was used to..and no longer had... but wanted again.. not me..I was not going down that financial road.. Then..exes stepped in..and I was not the one..
I did find that she dumped a guy because I was in the same place..and she was realizing..she wanted what I could be..
But..I was what I was..in the beginning my desireable qualities..became the reasons..I was not.. I decided to walk away..
Finally seeing I was not anywhere I wanted to be..

My regular places to visit..changed..and I went somewhere new a few times and met a friend..someone who had been there and was like me..getting out not to be alone.. we clicked with the suggestion of her friend..and we set some rules.. and spent time for about 9 months..but this was a mutual friendship..and one rule..was when your done ...say so..and we will be done. Well.. I closed it.
I was planning on a move..so I ended it as friends.

And here I am.

The overwhelming trend..I pick someone who needs help..I try to help..I fail.. I am never worthy..they are always out of my league..I am always out of my depth..or just oblivious.. they see me..
The deep friendships I think I make.. are usually onesided..and I dont see it until it hurts.
So.. I am alone..and it is my fault.

What I see is if I want to be 'happy'..
It isnt gonna last.. and ultimately my fault.

I know I have a lot to offer..
But as I realized long before any of this..
I am not anything anyone would see as a desire..
Im average.. and invisible. Sometimes I get lucky..and someone sees me..
Even if its to take advantage..
I matter for a minute..

But.. in the end..
I have to defend me..
Make / let someone see .. me..
And accept.. the me..is just me.

I cannot be a hermit..but it would be less painful.

I have moved another 2000 miles..to try not to be so isolated..
But.. I don't think it worked.. I was here less than 90 days..and my world completely changed..

Now I am back to..making the best decisions for me..and mine..

It is really not where I wanted to be.

R 10/7/18..edited ..and again 10/13/18
For clarity.

posted from Bloggeroid

October 2018

4 weeks to go.
Money saved is all gone. Everything has its place. I should bave enough to pay the closing.
I have to charge a few bucks to hire a tow company or rent a truck and trailer to move the car.
I asked my friend if he was still available to help move the engine from the shippers to the car.. I got two one word answers and nothing more..none were ok or yes.
So I guess I am on my own.. well that is what credit cards are for.. I will need to rent a truck and drive up and back ..and maybe buy a hoist so I can move it by myself..
I have not seen my brother..had a couple text conversations.. but thats it..
Been working the last 15 days with no time off. Tomorrow I have to adjust my schedule to 2p to 10p. .and add travel... then turn around and get up at 3:30a to get to work at 5a on Friday.
Not sure about Saturday. .another 10 hr day or the standard 8 hours plus early morning travel.

Maybe the overtime will cover the room rent costs.. gonna be 8 weeks rent.. since it looks like the first Monday in November..at the earliest.

I did get the last preliminary document in and heard from the bank today..I am approved.
But no bed..no couch..no dressers. I have a 4 stand lamps in the POD.. and 2 desk lights.. so probably will need to buy some lamps.
That is the minimum.. hopefully the OT holds for a few more weeks..

L was excited to apply for tbe job..and would have it if her license didnt get delayed.. she has to wait..and in a month I will need to finish the car else she wont have any way to get to work... so I see a couple really long days in my future..if I can.. get all moved..

Everything else is null.. I have been walking around with fuel soaked shoes and lit matches falling out of my pockets.. and the bridges are burning...so is the road.
I have been reading through my text messages from the past month..
I have had everything and everyone mad at me..either by not doing something..doing something..or total mistaken identity.. yet still my fault. Because the timing was just wrong.
At least with being so busy and having such long days..I am too wiped out to talk with anyone.. so I cant say the wrong thing..
I did have to cancel a 'date' I made a month back because I didnt realize I would be working 10 hour days starting at 5am.. 7 days a week..including weekends.. so no way I was gonna drive to hyannis and see a show and make it home to go to work at 4a after starting my day at 4a..
Its ok just a other friend that wont give me the time of day anymore.
They just think they dont matter much to me..

Which isnt the case. That is why I moved back..to have friends..to not be a loner that just works all the time.. but I guess I do t k ow how to be a friend ..maybe I never did.
I can't seem to find those I thought were my friends.. and those that were .. I messed that up.. just slowly got worse and worse..till I tried to fix it..and it wasnt slow anymore.. bam! .. done.

I thought .. if you cared..you found a way to fix it if it broke.. not find every possible reason to let it go.
Yes..major screw-ups..stuff that gets done..is hard to get past..
But..I have found..those things they find attractive..become the same ones they despise..
If you are a dedicated worker..pay your bills and put your kid above all..
Ends up..you work too much and are ignoring everyone else...

So ..I guess I should go back in to hibernation.. simple hi.. how are you.. and work on finding a better balance between working all the time and building a place for me.

The problem..is I am just me.. alone.
Fortunately..my kid decided to stay my kid..and stay with me..
But.. I still have to fight for her time..

I guess.. I can be alone.. anywhere.
I dont need to sell everything and move 2000 miles..

Funny.. I just heard my old assistant quit today..
Maybe I can move back and work for them..

Lol

No.. I need to stay here.

No one wants me there either..

Or cares..

Yet.. I wont have my 3 or even my 2 criteria.. here.. just work.
And those bills I create to give me purpose.
The more I condense into a day to day routine.. the less I feel the pain.. easier to ignore.

If I can get L help and able to stand on her own.. I can step back and disappear..

Maybe find ...

Or look for work alternatives..

'You can't go back..'
'Don't go for the money'
'Are you sure you are doing this for the right reason?'

I was very happy..

Ive been in limbo for this long.. more wont matter.
No one but me cares...

I need to give up ...
Stop trying..
If it happens..it happens.
Probably not..
So .. here I am..

Yep.. it is October 2018...

You know.. I got this far..
I know I have been overlooked.. ignored...deemed not worthy..
Yet.. I tried..a few times..
Yet here I am..

R 10/3/18

posted from Bloggeroid

Hello Fall

Ok..summer is over.
I think I missed it.

I am doing what I can..what I must..
I am up to 60 hour work weeks..an hour drive to and up to an hour and a half from work with traffic. Early mornings and late afternoons make for really long days.
I have not been able to be social.. my day requires me to get things done as soon as I get home.. and start all over again.
I have been working full days on Saturday and full days on Monday..giving me one day to go to the laundramat and groceries and any other things that need to get done..

I have bought an engine for the car. I have called the house owner to see if I can move the car next to the garage..then I can ship the engine and deliver it to the car. Then plan on swaping out tbe engine.
I still need to get the car moved..and get the engine moved after it ships.

I had made plans and work plans superceeded ..probably another reason I am losing friends.
Unfortunately I know I need to keep my job..I need to keep the bosses impressed..I have to do what they ask if I expect to be kept on..

The rest of my situation..is very different than I wanted it to be.
I expected to improve my friendships, being closer..not make them worse.

Now with long days and almost no weekend.. we are a bit isolated.
But..as was in the past..no one is going out of their way to look us up..it is up to us.... I have reached out to family..and basically got either no response or we are too busy.. or you are too busy...

I have been jumping through hoops with the bank and insurance to close on my house sale.. I would hate to have to start over again..
I hope I have enough saved to pay all the costs to complete this process. I have had unplanned expenses..and I have to plan for the rest.

Next .. it will be getting cooler..and the drive to work may become tougher.

Welcome to Fall .

9/23/18

posted from Bloggeroid

What?

Much has changed in the past few weeks..
I have found a house to move my crap into.
A place for my kid and I to have our own space..
We can unload the pod and settle in.

My situation has changed.
Not really sure if I messed that up.
I think I did.. but no one is pointing ..
But..since the plan is cancelled. I need to find my space..stop being a buden.
I will continue to help if I am allowed..
I know..
I jumped at the chance to be here..
I was too much.
Overwhelming..

As always..I thought we talked through this.. maybe I talked..to me..
And worked it in my head..

And of course..scrwed it up.
Too much. .
Not now.

And I find myself.. set here..and the rest drifting away out of reach.

Like that time I was caught in thw rip current.. I barely felt it happening.. I knew it would be to my doom..
I fought to save my kid.. not caring if I survived.. we did..obviously
But I felt so helpless..even after I was safe... I felt I almost didnt make it..
No one was there to help us..
No one knows.. but we did it.

So here I am.

Screwed it up again..no one to help..no one to listen.

All my fault.. nothing I can do.
I cannot change anyones mind..just my own.
Lie on the beach..andnbe glad I am alive.

I probably wont even know what I did wrong.. it just is.

What?

So ..on another note.. I find my vision is really blurry.. I need to find my new contacts.. maybe that will help..

I ran into an old friend.. really old friend..
We met when we were 11 yrs old..
And lost touch at 15. Bumped into eachother once or twice..but never was able to talk. There is volumes to talk about.. family..life.. before.. in between and now.. thomgs we were going through at that time of our lives thst would define us individually. . Things we survived that made us who we are.. or forced the 'me ' to be.. yes our lives took different paths..
But they crossed again..and there was something we clung to from our young selves that lets us open up..as true friends.
Yes..the time is short..
I may never be able to chat face to face..
But.. I see.. we needed to meet up again..at this time.
Just to be able to see where we are. Who we are.

Our present situations only allow us to find that understanding that many cant see. Something we need.

But I felt it..we talked and talked..I xould fo on for ever..listen forever..
There is so much understanding and such a connection..

But such a short time.
It will be gone.

R
8/26/2018

posted from Bloggeroid

Spiraling away..in the wrong direction

My head is swimming.
I dont know where to step..what to say..
Not sure any place is a safe place to put my foot..
I feel like im standing in a mine field.

I woke early.. After a really long day.. Up at 2am..home by 3pm... Tired and hungry.. Nothing to eat all day..just coffee..and more coffee..
Worked on brakes..and became a snickers commercial..
Unaware i was treading on someone elses bad day.. I needed to finish this.. Before it became more of an issue..
My thoughts and plans did not see the light of day.. Then it all went south.. I feel so bad.. I added to all the anxiety and grief..
Nothing can pull me out..it all seems patronizing..
It is all appreciated.. But saying so..makes it worse.
I cannot see how to make this better..
I feel like a jerk.
I try to stay out of the way..
Try not to add to any issue..
I  wonder if it has finally broke..
A last straw..
Yet..tomorrow the designer will begin..

Is it the stress of the project? The commitment? Responsibility..?

Just friends.. That is all..
Very clear..
Very.

I am happy to be here.
I have checked .. L is too.
L has no issues..with me or anyone else..

I want to be here.

I think anxiety and doubt.. Is knocking..
Just dont open the door..

My job has me working odd shifts.. This week.. I have a 2 day weekend..Sun and Mon.. Which means.. Stay awake friday.. And Saturday..to hope to be with my family.. Leave them alone on Sunday evening.. And wait for them on Monday..
This week .. Not so much.

After..friday..i just made myself scarce.. Took a drive..
I wasnt missed at all.. They thought.. I was at work..
I got back.. And.. Still feel i did something wrong..
Eggshells
But.. As i sit in the dark..for almost an hour..
Thinking..that thing that always goes to each extreme..
I decide to let everyone go to sleep.. Take a walk..
Find some absolut..
Maybe no one will notice..

I have a few things i need to do..
Maybe i can get some done tomorrow.

We need to talk.

I need to know what you are thinking.
I need to know what i am to do.
I dont think i am doing what i need to..

Hugs..

R 7/15/18

Time to talk..

Well it has been a few months since my last post.
Everything went well. Packing..sorting.. Scrapping... Planning.. Travel..selling my house.. Quitting my job..accepting the new job..site unseen..dealing with old work stuff...people .. Trying not to be 'The jerk'. Trying to help. As well as trying to be ready for all the new i stepped into.
Yes, i made bills..spent money as needed.. Then..planned on bills going away in order.. Not having major new bills.. Having a better salary..and more hours..overtime for the first time in 7 years...
Just to have my car die..3rd day into the new job.. I had to buy another.. I needed reliable transport.. Now i have a broke car to fix.
I spent money as needed.. It is not an issue..
I am whittling away at the old bills.. And making good $$, to keep the new from being an issue.. I need to help more.. Groceries and dinners are not enough..
I need to save.. I need to pay my share..
I need to find that place..where i don't have to ask..
I am as responsible as the rest.. I am a major breadwinner..i can help.
I try.

I try to explain my situation to others..
Some get it .. Right away..
Those that know me..
Others.. Look bewildered.. Cautious.. Concerned..
I have seen it before..
I believe i have worked this out..

Friends to the end.

Oh, i know.. Where i am.
I know what i am capable of accomplishing.
I know how to smile.
I know how to create smiles..
I usually can find the rainbows in the rain.

Yes.. I can ignore the things that make me ache..
I have learned to accept the positives.

Sometimes...
Usually..
I accept a lot..
And deal with more than most can..

Yeah.. All that low self-esteem crap i am so used to..

But... I can deal with so much..as i always have..
I am not new..to this.. I tend to repeat.. But i do so willingly.

I never do anything i don't think through.

I usually know where i am stepping.

Yes, i delude my self...and hope for the fantastic....
But i know 'truth'...
Reality.

I am not that guy....

I am that guy..that loves.
If you are that love...
Make me smile..grin..
I will not disappoint.

If i do...
Tell me.

Time to walk home.

R

Tick tick..

Today was my last day at work.. But.. My assistant is taking family leave..so I volunteered to take call for this weekend.. He needs to be available for family reasons..and not be bothered by work..
They have to make adjustments to keep his remote access and email..
This works for me in my favor..cause I can keep using the company truck till Monday.. I have desks to move and a couch to donate..

We took down pictures, stickers and posters.. I reboxed collectibles and put them in the pod..
Moving desks and the couch..packing the kitchen table and the rest of the kitchen .. My closets.. And the garage this weekend.. Then my shop..desk and tools. The house is looking bare.. The cat is nervous. But..my work friend cannot take my cat..so I need to bathe and clean him..and probably give him benedryl and catnip for the trip..
He will hate me for a while.  But will love being in a house with 3 women.. The other animals.. Probably won't matter..as long as he gets to be around women..

I just have to get him there.

Tick tock.. I am getting close.

Miss you..

R 4/21/18

More done..more to do..

Morning went well.. Up early..recycled the oil.. Asked about tube TVs and monitors..up to 19".. I had 7.. Loaded and went back..they only allow 5 per household a year... Took the biggest ones.. Went to work.
Early lunch ..planned on going to the electronic recycler..ended up going to lunch w L. After work..another run to goodwill with kitchen..toys..and my dresser..and misc.. Then back to sort and stage..for tomorrow.. Cleaning out the shed.. Electronics and trash.
Kendal came over to pick up his belongings. We talked..he helped me to move furniture into the garage for tomorrow.. And the freezer..up and into the garage..I sold it to someone at work..along with the single bed..and L's desks.. I have to move those tomorrow after work.
I have to rebox some stuff from my under storage.. And clear off my work desk.. Pack my closet.. Get rid of L's bed .. I paid BestBuy to take my 2 tube TVs and have to dismantle the big screen.. For recycle.
I am making headway..and will see what I have left this weekend..
I have paid bills tonight and booked hotels for travel..
Steps closer.. Tick tick tock.. Soon!!!
Got to drop the couch..tomorrow or Friday morning...
Then..tools and the rest of the garage..

Wish me good thoughts.. I am glad the first hotel has a jacuzzi..

R 4/19/18

Miscalculated...

I don't have as much time as I thought.
I don't know where I thought I had a week after Friday..I have the weekend and 3days. So much to do..I won't have the truck after Friday. I need to move the furniture before then.. Couch.. 3 desks.. 2 tvs.. I need to order a dumpster??  Still cleaning out the crawl space.. Moved a lot tonight.. Oil recycle was a no go..try again tomorrow morning.
Again..electronics and paper recycle at lunch.. Good will after work..
I have cleaned out the kitchen except for what I am still using. I need to finish packing my bedroom.. Lindsey is doing hers..her desks are cleared..I'm giving one away..and my freezer.. I need to dismantle the kitchen table..I have moved my 10boxes of books Into the pod .. I need to move the records and mini fridge.. I still need to pack up my bench..and tools and my garage tools. I need to buy a new garage opener.. The guy that is buying the car is coming Saturday...

Packing tonight..I rearranged what is in the pod.. Stacked the heaviest boxes in the middle.. I am no where near the first quarter full.
I will rearrange again.. Adult Tetris..

Work.. It has been an interesting week so far .. Making an effort to keep working..getting things done.  The boss is taking me to lunch on Thursday.  He said he was gonna discuss all the projects I have done.

I am ready to start this next chapter..
There will not be much down time..except the travel.. 3 days..
Then a weekend.. And then the new job.

There is a few things that will happen before then..but..it has arrived and I need to be ready to get it done.
I am ready.

Bring it. Let me show you I can get it done.

R 4/18/18

Still...

Still working..and still back and forth to goodwill.. Got the scrap cashed in this morning.. $127.. Worked..then got home at 5:30..loaded the desk and a dresser..clothes..a couple room fans.. Off to good will..back..sorted..pulled down the stuff in the overhead storage in the garage..planning..staging. . then cooked dinner separated the electronics from the rest..sorted scrap paper.. Emptied boxes for packing.. Put some in the POD.. While dinner was cooking.. Emptied two more. Cupboard's.. I think tomorrow..I will take in the used oil..before work..
Maybe scrap electronics at lunch..and go to goodwill at 5:30.
I may be finally making a dent..
I have tasked L with emptying both of her desks..sorting her books ..
I need to work on one radio..then time to dismantle the workbench..
So much to do.. But.. Work is done on Friday.. So the weekend and all next week..packing and cleaning..is going to be my job.
I am so sore already.. I can only imagine..
Got to get this done!

R 4/17/18

Money and planning

The guy that wants to buy my other car.. Asked if I would take $200 less..yes..I said. And today..he asks if he can pay $100 less till Friday.. Budget Calculation error... I.agree..expecting him to take the car.. No. Friday..when he has the $100 . I have his money. And my car...till Friday..
I think he is genuine.. I just need the car gone.
The money would be nice too..
I think he will come up with all of it.

The day was packing and moving..I got my grocery shopping done early..went to the Sunday plan..but nothing.. So back home.. 2 more runs to good will ..a lot of packing and sorting..I tasked L with her desk..and dismantled mine..moved it to the garage and reassembled it..tomorrow morning..I will dump my scrap metal..and go to work.
Then to plan more recycle.. Before Friday.. Then I lose access to the truck.. I need to move 3 desks to goodwill..let's see if I can find help.
I have been moving everything .. Packing downstairs..moving it up..pulling it out from underneath.. Then moving it outside to the Pod..or trash or goodwill.
Still lots to get done.
This  week.. Next week..and half.. I may still need a trash dumpster for the rest..

Time..is ticking..

I am ready.

R 4/15/18

Not time to panic..yet

I hope I can get all this done...on time.
I shuttled stuff today.. Got rid of lots..more to do.
The car and motor stuff tomorrow.. Scrap metal Monday morning.
I still need to go into the crawl space and pull out the stuff in there..most is in boxes..and labeled..so it could go right to goodwill..or right into the pod. Or in the garbage.
I started another closet..half and half ..
I realized...after Friday won't be able to use the company truck.. So next week... I will have to squeeze in all the big stuff.. Or order a dumpster.

No idea..about the cat. L is good with leaving him with someone here.
She has considered the travel and hotels.. It may be best.
For all involved.

I have a lot to do..and figure out..

It will all be worth it..on every level..

:)

Let's get this done!

R 4/14/18

Packing..snowing

Work led a regular day. Stopped for supplies to pack..picked up a pizza.
Taped boxes I packed last night. Packed more from my closet. Sat on the couch for a minute.. Passed out for 3hrs!
Got up..got garbage bags and started sorting good will clothing donations. So far 2 large lawn bags full. More already in the garage.. Some has been there in a box for 15yrs..!!
After breakfast tomorrow, I will load the truck and get rid of it.
Then..hopefully..the chemicals - oil..and electronics. ..maybe.

I have boxes all over my house.. I need to start staging what is going in the Pod first.. And start packing it in.

Mindset....

I am fully prepared to end this chapter..and begin the next.
I am ready for better things..a better, rewarding life.. I will adopt my new family and build a better future. We will do things I should have been able to do many years ago..I am making a major life change...
I have before.. Several times.. But usually for someone else's Comfort... This is mainly for me. I am so happy to be able to do this..
Yes.. Others will benefit..enjoy this..but this time.. I am the primary reason I am doing this.. Everyone was considered...even the cat..but..this is what I have been working for.. Since I realized what I needed to be happy.. I will be working on it ..but with a smile..
To a positive end.. The 'perma-grin' may be back!!

I do not know what will actually happen in the next few weeks or months..but I am excited about it for the first time in a long time.
I will have people in my life that are close to me..and I will have a future..to look toward..
My plans.. Will help not only my mind..but others I care for..how can this not be the thing to do?
Things are falling In Place.
I am so.. Ready for this to happen.

This major life change will allow my 'loves' to be in my life..
The right place..the right job...the right person..and a new future for my own.. And others to add to this equation. ..
Perfect..

Time is ticking..and I have 12 days to travel.. And starting this new beginning.. Whoo hooo!!!

Let's do this!!! It is too late to turn back now!!

Hugs to those that need it!
Hugs and squeezes to those that deserve it..
The rest is for you....

!!!!!!!

I am not counting the days..yet..I am aware..of the time left... The. Count down is coming..
I am so...ready!

Hey! Future..see you soon!!

R 4/13/18

How much trouble can i generate?

Who..me??

Would I do that?

All that aside..I am a short timer..but put in 100%.. Till the last..

I just sent an email..i needed to send..I hope it was coherent.. And made the point..but in the end I won't be here for its aftermath.
But point made.

Moving on...

I am making a life changing decisions..now!
I will make this change for my and others happiness.
Yes..they have to decide if it is for them.. But we are offering it..we will live it..you are welcome to join.
We hope you will..
I know this is what I need to do.
I can be happy..and spread happy..
Smiles..and comfort.. Make a future and leave a legacy..
Yes..I love and hope my offspring will accept this gift..but I need to embrace my pending happiness.. And I will..!
Love you all. Let's be family!

R 4/11/18

Sunday..a day of work..work..work

It is not supposed to be...but it is what it is. Went in at 10a worked till 2p. Went back at 3p worked til 5p. Went grocery shopping then home to make dinner and eat.. Fell asleep on the couch from 7 to 10. Had to go back in..at 10:30... Long day for a Sunday.

But..it is almost Monday .. I will do what I do..and make it happen.
I need to contact PODS..I think the delivery may be in trouble.. I gave a credit card that would not cover the amount.. I need to fix that...
I did show my car for sale today.. He says he wants to take it.
Working on how to get it 30 mins up the road...
Tow or trailer. ..
It will be cash..
May even take the engine hoist.

One less thing to pack. Thus week I plan to start junking..recycling the things I can.. I need to pack..more..sort more.. Make a run or two to goodwill.. Pack my beer shirts.  Pack my radio stuff.. Ship the unfinished stuff.
Things to get done..
If you know me.. You know I will get it done.

R 4/9/18

Long weekend..

Early morning .. I was in work at 7:30..had a short lunch at 3:30 to 4:00. Then worked till 9:30. I don't have to be in till 9:00a tomorrow.. I hope we get time for dinner.. But prob work till 8:00p
Hopefully we can get most done by then. And won't have to do much Sunday.  I have been dealing with stuff for sale at home..figured I was getting scammed..so..scratch  that..start over.
Maybe get some stuff sold.. Some to goodwill or recycle..the rest ..trash. All the rest will get packed.. And put in the pod..to be shipped. I need to empty the house..shed..and garage. 15 years of clutter..junk and unfinished projects.
I really have not started..just a little..but I need to commit this coming week..
A lot of work..but if I don't..I won't. So I will.

For all those of you pulling for me.. Cheering me on in this new endeavor..this new chapter.. Thank you. I appreciate your good wishes and positive thoughts ..

OK.. Let's do this..

R 4/7/18

Continued..

I am very happy. I have thought this through. I have left little..some..to see what happens..how it works.. And most importantly..how everyone else feels. We will work through everything together. All of us. For everyone's benefit and happiness.  We can make this our future.
I am done struggling alone..feeling alone..being alone.  We are a family. I think time has redeemed itself and proved we are meant to be a family.
Time had been partners with distance..and now..I am fixing distance..and time has proven we need to be. We are what we needed.
We can work it to our mutual advantage...
I know I have been working to make karma work with me.
I have done my best to be a true friend..and I think I have been rewarded with a true friend. It is something we all need and rarely find.
I am working to my perfect 3..
The right place.
The right job.
The right person.
Having that in my life...will make me one of the happiest people on this planet.
I will be able satisfy my need for completion. Coherence.
I will have found what i have been searching for in all my adult life.

These past few months have been putting things in place.. Steering me..pointing me in this direction.. Showing me..daring me to act..to see..
The building blocks have been falling into place..one by one..
Stimulating my analytical mind..making me think and rethink.. Plan and scheme..calculate.. Figure it out.
I was mad at time..for teaming with distance..as much as I fought them..by traveling as often as I could.. I think I won..they submitted..
They realized I was not giving in..
I see time was on my side..making sure .. For me..and anyone I needed in my life.
(Yes! I need you in my life. You and everything you are)
I am comforted that time was actually there for me instead of against me..
For a long time..I felt time was my enemy..working against me..
Just ticking away..making me grey..old..
But..maybe..my being has caught up with my soul..
And my life has  caught up with me.. I feel like I am moving toward where I should be..
A place..a happy place.
One where we all can work on being happy.

Thank you.

If it applies to you..
Take it..I give it freely...happily.

R 4/6/18

Real Estate

I met with the agent..my neighbor..tonight. I set a target range. Signed some documents. Started the process. He is optimistic... He is thinking  4 days to sell once it starts showing. He has explained the fees..and I think I will do OK.
I have to pack and load the Pod. Sell..give..scrap everything else.
This weekend is booked with work..I will have to work at home after..if I am able. Work is calm..people are being good.. I am able to get stuff done.. It is a weird feeling being a short timer.
We will see
R 4/5/18

I have things to do..

I feel that I don't have a lot of time. The bit I have done so far..has barely made a dent. There is so much to do..I am a bit overwhelmed. I know it can be done.. It must be done.
I ordered a pod..it will be delivered Wednesday. L has started packing.
I have finished sorting and shredding..I have sold the car..and the engine lift...checks are in the mail.. I need to load a truck with electronics and visit the recyclers.. I need to clean out the garage.
There is still stuff under the house..boxes.. But really not that much..it will fit in the pod..as is..
Just have to keep motivated..
Keep thinking about where I will end up..the prize .. The gift for all my hard work.
I think i have earned it.
Time..will tell.
R 4/5/18

Fill in..

Here we are..I have the offer. The other took too long. I accepted the offer..it was better than I was lead to believe. It is hourly with the possibility of overtime.. it is $8 more an hour.. And with OT.. It could pay a few bills.. Even if my house takes longer than most to sell..I can make this work. My bills will be paid on time..and some will go away..putting $800 a month back into my spending money.. Even if the house takes a  month to sell..with stepping into a job..at more money..I should be more than able to maintain..and have money to buy what we need..and help the 'house' and still put some money away towards the new house.
I will be able to put money aside.. Pay bills.. And support the house.
We will all work together..and make this happen.
Get excited!! This will be a new future..for all of us.
It will work with little effort.

I am excited!!

I know..this life..I have been living..will change..
I will have someone to come home to..
I have a future to plan.. Options.. I will have a place to put my money..that helps my future..
The loneliness will pack and go find ISTBA !

Plans for me..you..and...the...rest.. Is a dream..come true.
And to have my friend there..close..
Win..win..win..!

The future looks bright..
Got to wear shades...

R
4/2/18

Offer one..

Here I am .. The first had a delay..and have not heard much. The second...has put an offer on the table..it is so far above where I thought it would be.. I am going to accept in the morning. I will need to find out how soon I am needed..and plan accordingly. Then I need to speak with my current boss and let him know.. Then starts the countdown.
So much to get done..
I told my Assistant..and the supervisor that works for me..I offered him my house..he will check into his financing to see if he can.
If not.. Time to clean it up and put it on the market.
Fast fast fast..
I can do this!!
I want to do this!

I have been so happy these past weeks.. Since the end of December, really.. I have noticed this.. I think others have too..
I just need to spread it around..make a few others smile..

Hey! You!! SMILE!!!

I think L is ready. She gave me a hi-five after hearing about the offer.
I hope this will be what she needs too.
I have a lot to do..figure out and get done..
The time is now.

Wow!!!!

R 3/29/18

It seems like time has slowed...

Like most things ..when you are waiting..it seems to take forever to do anything... Or get anything accomplished..but I know..once I accept..and have a for real deadline.. There will not be enough time to get it all done.
I have had successful interviews..maybe one or two more... No offers yet..but the are contacting my references..and so far I think it is going well.. I have a preference..but.. Both will work..
I think this is the best option..
Others are involved..and details will need to be finalized..
Easy enough.  At least it seems that way.
I am not even thinking it will be anything else.
For now..it looks really positive..
I have been happy..yes. Happy since I came back from my vacation..
I was looking for things to align..fall in place..
They have .. And continue to ..I cannot ignore.. I will not.
I think something or someone has seen our struggle..and how much we work..for everyone else.. And decided.. It is our turn.. I am so ready.

We all are.

I still am waiting for..decision time... But.. It will happen quickly after that.

I have history of making the wrong choices.. But sometimes I see the right thing to pursue.. And it pays off.. All involved are happy.. Smiles all.

Hey... If you know me...personally.. And you catch me..with a 'perma-grin' (refer to previous posts).. Call me on it.. Point it out...
Sometimes..most times.. I don't even know.. 
Until I realize my face hurts..

I used to be called 'smiley'... It has been a while..
Life..and people get in the way..

If I cannot help smiling when I am around you.. That is it..
Claim it because it is how I feel .. Because of you..

OK..let's keep this rolling.. Get those money offers in.. Give me a reason to choose.. And let's get this next chapter started.

Smile..
Good things ahead..
Don't we all deserve that much??

R 3/27/18

Small world

I was out scraping and painting my garage door.
My neighbor came home and asked if I drink beer..and if so what kind..
He is the neighbor that started selling real estate last year..and has recently put his house up for sale.. It seemed like a good opportunity to ask about how his was going... Oh..it sold in 20 days.. He had 26 showings.. I explained my situation..and he offered to help... Even just get me a feel for how much my house is worth.. He said..I should not do too much.. He offered to take a look and make some suggestions.. What I should do and what to not do.
He was very helpful..and offered some more help.. One of 2 reasons I was painting the garage.. He had just painted his..and it looked really good.. Mine needed it and it has been warm enough. One less thing..
I measured the living room.. Maybe remove the carpet..put in laminate or hardwood.. Maybe.
I also put the other car on the battery charger.. Maybe start it up and move it out front.. And put on a for sale sign.. Then maybe an ad on Craig's list.
Maybe...another venture in the crawlspace.. Move out more boxes.. More for the trash...

It is overwhelming..if you plan it..think about it.. Just start a little at a time. 

R 3/25/18

Is it time yet?

I am getting eager. I want to hear something.
Yes or no.. I should look again this weekend.
I have a few things to do..should do..we will see.
I was having a conversation with the guy that was talking about buying a house last year.. He is planning again. I wanted to ask..but cannot yet... I have to have an offer...at least one.. Then I will start those plans rolling.
Maybe I will hear next week.

I have to start cleaning out a few things .  maybe put the old car up for sale. Start a system to purge out stuff I know I won't ever need.
Stuff I had collected over time. I have been in this spot for 15 yrs. Junk accumulates.  I should start.. But I'm kinda waiting for a 'go'.

Tomorrow is Friday.. Still things to get done.

Night.

R 3/22/18

Hello Wednesday..

It has been an interesting day. I slept poorly.. Had a morning appointment that lasted till 3:30.. A corporate boss.. Which went well..all in all.
I also heard from a former boss..he had a call from one of the places I applied to... Which he said went well.
.. I have another..which will happen this week...hopefully.
This could happen fast.. Or not.
I think..no..I know I am ready.
Let's get this started.

I finished my department reviews.. Everyone exceeds expectations.
Not that it will get them $$.. But not on me.

I may not make the cut..for the positions I applied for..
But it is a start.. If I get an offer..it is better...monetarily.. Than where i am... And has upward future possibility.. Why would I not accept.??
I would..with out question.
I have a plan..I have discussed a plan.. I have .. Help.. Someone..in my  corner.. Apparently.. More than two.. I cannot ignore that.

Offer.. Counter.. Make me choose... I will.

I am so ready..

I won't hurt you.
You won't hurt me.
We can build something.. That we can be happy to be a part of.. Be comfortable.. And..be happy with.. Provide a future for..everyone.

It is not selfish..it is perfect..everyone will have something.
Plus.. We will have each other..and..ours will too.

Let's make this happen!
I am ready.

R 3/22/18

The Clock has started..

It is still Monday

You know..as Monday's go.. I smiled my way through it.
I know things not many know.. Things that make me smile.

I also have approval... Very important..I have it..
That makes me smile..
I made the grade..
Don't let him hurt you..
Don't hurt him...
Wow!
That means a lot.
More than I can say...
I know..how important that is.. That makes it important to me.
It makes all the difference in the world..
We can make this work.
Smiling.. Ear to ear..my heart is jumping..
I need to make this happen...
I can!

So many little things can be repaired..through this..
Smiles will be the norm...not the elusive ..
Everyone involved will be happier.. I know I will....
Yes..a few stressful moments.. Ahead.. But make it..happen.
No one loses.
Even over time.. It is a carefully planned.. Scenario..

I know it will work.

It happened because..it was meant to be..otherwise..it would not be so simple or easy..

Wow!

R 3/20/18

Great minds ..tend to think alike...

I'm glad we spoke..I was gonna burst. I couldn't keep it in much longer..I was doing real good.. Really.. I didn't share.. L knew.. But no one else.. I wanted to chat..and discuss my thoughts..
Then there you were..wanting to say .. With an even grander better situation than I could have expected..
Hell yes!!
Let's make this work.. We could do well for all.
Hell yes!!!

It is so refreshing to be able to speak on a level plane with someone..personally.. Where we see eye to eye.. Think along the same lines.. Mutual respect and adoration..
Our conversation gave me such a high..
I was smiling all day!!!

So.. Here I am ... Next week will be busy..I hope to hear from both perspectives.. And be able to choose..

We will see.
R 31818

Hey!! I am right here...

Sometimes I feel like shouting this..
I feel unimportant .. ignored.. lost.
My family has written me off years ago...
I have given up on trying to be ... what ever they need me to be..
I am me.. always have been.. I was more me than they ever were..
Yet.. I am here..
I go.. they are accepting.. limited judgements. . But.. never come...
It sucks that I am not a destination... yet I make sure to visit .
So.. if I move.. I do not think I will say...
It don't matter.. we are an island.
Just lost and lonely..

That is what I deleted from my page... it was a bitch about being in a place for 15 years.. that no one ever visited..
I have an open home.. open to all.. I have only had 2 people come..not family.. one was kidnapped.. but.. was here..
I feel shunned.. but always welcomed.. when I visit them..
Which I do if not for me..for my kid.. who really does not know anyone in her family.. no connection.. none..
A lot like my childhood.... no connection..
I have made connections with lost cousins.. so close for so many years ..
I just cannot figure out why.. no one has said..
So.. maybe I wont tell anyone when and if I move..

Sitll kind of pissed .. but.. it is what it is...

I have a phone call tomorrow. .
Lets see what becomes of that..

If it is meant to be..it will be offered..

R 3/16/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Try again

I was trying to express that I am working on a couple things.
These things will change my world. I have set things in motion to have to do much more. I am waiting an planning. The initial was just a test. I thought I needed to start somewhere.  I was expecting just simple responses and move along.
So far the first response was much better than I guessed.
The second was the same..better than expected.
The third...no response.. Yet.

I asked for help..and got favorable responses.
I don't know if it will help or be needed..
It cannot hurt.

I had messed up my expenses. I put the wrong deposit amount in my checkbook for the last 3 paychecks..put in gross not net..and proceeded to pay bills with money I didn't have.. For 6wks!!
I was a bit over drawn. I think I have it straight now.

I need to work on evaluations and complete them by next weeks end.
I have a corporate visitor next Wednesday.. He will be discussing /planning the system upgrade that will cause me to have to layoff  5 of my employees.. Then the first weekend in April, I will have visitors again to make a major changes to our networks. I will have to work all that weekend..
A few things there. 

All the above .. All in a day in my life.
At this point. I wish I could say so much more..
I'm not ready to open that up. .. Not just yet..
But when the situation happens.. I will explain.. I will probably burst.
Then get frantic.. For a month or so...

So..this morning.. I have been sleeping poorly. .. I get my late night/early morning text.. Then attempt sleep... I wake to my phone chiming in to a series of group texts..from 3 of my brothers.. This started at 5:30 am my time..and.. More than 1 or 2 .. Tons of back and forth..pictures..movies.. Texts.. Finally at 6:30 my alarms went off..I shut them off and turned the volume down on my phone and woke up at 7:30 .. Scrambled to get dressed.. Drive to work..the family group texts continue.. At 8:00 I chime in with a weather report.. Answer a question about no snow here..and the group texts cease.
That 2hr time difference hurts some times..
I had a busy day..that ended at 7:45p.. Went home cooked dinner..ate..and passed out on the couch till 11p.
Did the dishes..
So..I am trying to relax enough to sleep well tonight. I have a bit to get done tomorrow..

Friday is coming..

R 3/15/18

Cannot say

3rd time...
My phone has rebooted 2 times while writing this..
Deleting all I write..

Try again..

I wish I could say more.. But my personal validation.. Is still out..
But I am making steps.. And I am waiting for more info.
So for keeping it secret.. It could ..it will be a life changing situation.
I need to do so much.
I am ready for that...
Let's see.

R3/13/18

.

New week

OK.. A busy weekend.. Up early each day..got to MINI.. Spent time w/L
We ate well. I got a bit done as well.
Work was quiet.. And we had Daylight Saving time..
Sunday night.. Ugh.. I didn't sleep well... I was up..and got called by work.. Gave the work-around while I was getting dressed.. As I was turning off the TV.. I noticed it was fixed... I called back.. And .. Yep it was fixed.. So.. I got back into bed..4:15 am.. And went back to trying to sleep.. Alarms at 6:00.. Turned off.. Up at 7:30..rushed and got to work on time..tired but on time.
I got tasks done.. And had a conference call at 10:15.. With positive results.. So says the email..
I was leaving at.. 6.. And decided to check the gate.. And turned it on.. Let's see if I get a late/early morning call...
I am anxiously waiting..for positive.. Options..
I'm not ready..but can be.. I know I can be.. Ready for the things I need to do..to.. Move forward. ... For me.
The bids are in for 2. It may be enough..
Falling into.. 'It is time'... 'Things are falling in place'..
One can hope... Tomorrow is another day...
Let's make it count.

This week..has been a bit of reminiscing.. And recognition as to where I was...and where I am..and where I think I need to be..
Just a short reality check.. For me..
My changes .. Are for me.. Just me..
I have no one but me and my offspring.. I need to do what works for us.. I cannot do for anyone..if I don't do for us first.. That is how I have been planning.. If it ends up..that L is happier...I will be too...
I am secondary .. It is what a parent feels is their job.. Make it work for the children...help them get started..and let them shine..

I am too old to chase my happiness.. I missed it..my chance.. So all I can do is hope I can help mine.. Figure out how to be happy.. Learn from my failure and success.. Know how to identify their happiness..

Yes... I know now.. We do not always see..or understand.. Our happinesses...till they have passed.. That 'sieze the day' stuff..
If you don't.. You end up.. Seeing the opportunity.. Long after it it has passed.. Not that it is gone.. But now it is much harder to make it happen.
So.. My advice.. Is grab what is in front of you. No mater your age..
You cannot go back.. And hope you can.. Because usually you can't.
Passed you by..missed the chance.
Then.. All you have is memories and used and regret.

But.. Sometimes.. You can..try again.. If you get the chance.. Do not hesitate.. Trust me.. Don't.

Hugs to you all.

R 3/13/18

Saturday

I didn't sleep well.. On and off all night.
But got up early.. 6:00am.
Out of the house at 6:35.
Met the local mini group..at 7.
Hit the road .. Did some back roads..met the Denver Mini group..
Took off...#15 of nearly 40 cars! Drove 185 miles all around.. Then more back roads to lunch..and back home.. Tired.. Started laundry..and went to sleep till 6.. Ended up making dinner and cleaned up..
It was a beautiful day..40's in the morning.. High 50's by noon..
I have my chores that I skipped to do tomorrow..

I got some positive info on Friday.. And will see what Monday brings..
I got a bit better perspective about the possible future situations.
It is more positive than I thought.. Time will tell..
Then..if so things may change quickly..

Review time is here.. I have the task to review my techs.. Just to give them all pats on the back and handshakes.. Before I break the news that they are all redundant.
We did all get our corporate tax refund..bonus.. After deductions...
Mine was $328.10

I did figure out what I was doing wrong the last 3 paychecks.. Causing me to overdraft my accounts multiple times.. My mistake.. Inputted the wrong amounts into my bank books..and spent what I didn't have for nearly 2 months.. Yikes!

Now I am back in track.
Just need to stay that way.

Things need to keep moving .. Even just a little..  We will make it ..

I think my neighbour has bought a new house..his is on the market.. He is a realtor.. But that means... New neighbor's. Always an experience.

I have a conference call on Monday morning.. Corporate coming the week after.. And a network migration on the first weekend in April.
Camera install next week, too.

My asst is still Leaving at 4:00 when ever possible..
I am just waiting to hear who has heard.. And then will see..
It is time.
Tick...tock..

Other than spending lots of time home working on radios..
My last batch was followed by another..and yet another on the way next week.
All good.. It is money in the bank.
As long as I can find the time..and be in that frame of mind.
I can..I will..

Oh well things to do tomorrow.. Maybe sleep for me tonight..

I will need to commence my latitude research..a few things have changed in the last 16 yrs ... Got to make sure..

R 3/10/18

Felt like a short day..

I actually left work right at 5pm today. I do not think I have done that in months. I took lunch early..2:30 instead of 3:00.. And got back at 3:30... So by the time 5 came around..I was done.
I went in early as usual..but did my whole day..and called it.
It wasn't bad..it was busy.. And more to do. I started employee reviews.. They have to be done by the end of the month. It is a measure in futility if no one is getting raises.. But.. Got to go through the motions.
I have been watching my personal email.. And some things have been coming in. I finished another radio tonight..but it was prepaid. But the Bench is clear. More coming...made almost $1000 thus month.
Spare time.
Also.. I should see the corporate tax bonus this paycheck. 
Not much..but a bit more..
It all adds up..
I have a drive to go on this weekend.. The Leprechaun run..
It starts at 7:00 on Saturday.. So .. up early..
But it is still Wednesday.. For a bit more..
I need to plan the rest of this work week..get more done..I need to try to get caught up..and look a bit more organized..
Maybe work at home.. Clean a bit more..
L is getting tips from my HR Mgr.. That is helping her spirit.. Maybe she can get a job... Make some of her own money.
I would be proud and happy.
One step at a time..

OK.. Tomorrow is creeping up on me..and I need sleep..

R 3/7/18

Work..getting something done

I am motivated so far this week. I have been working on tasks and getting things moving and making plans for future projects.
Today was trying to deal with cell phone accounts.. I converted my work phone yesterday..it was not that bad. I spoke to someone that knew what to do. Today..not so much. Hours trying to figure out what isn't right about the process.
More tomorrow.
I received parts for a project I need to finish and ordered some cable..maybe I can finish on Monday.
I also got parts for a radio or two..for home. Finished one tonight.
Maybe another tomorrow.  More on the way...
I have some minor construction projects at work to get done.
Also parking signs to put up..since the weather is nice out.
I can also look at the items we will need to move some departments.
I'm good with spending the companies money.

Me.. I have bills to figure out.. Should I refinance now.. Blow out the debt..take big chunks out of it.. Or hold off till my major payment goes away in June? That will flood my monthly $$ by $800.. To pay down the rest..
Or plan the move or the trips.. Something!!

Right now..nothing going on here.
Decent weather.. Work..working at home... Eating..sleeping..and start again.. I have been hanging out by myself every night.. Come home..even the cat is asleep. Turn the TV on...cook dinner..eat..dishes..work at my desk.. For a few hrs.. Either take a shower..go to bed.. Or go have a couple beers on the tour..and go home and sleep.. Start again..
Just..work..home..eat..beer..sleep..repeat.
It is winter .. Not much else to do.

I must say..I had BRIGHT Monday morning.. I think it set my week.
It really made my day..week.. To be able to chat..before work..it puts me in a proper frame of mind...yes..I know I was helpful.. Glad I could..
To be honest.. You always help me more than I think I help you.. I get so much from talking with you.. I truly cannot express how good I feel..even just listening to you vent about traffic.. Yes..the concerns that I can help with..advice.. Understanding.. Caring...just a virtual hug..
All matters.. It actually revitalizes my reason to be..
I really cannot define it better than that.
Please..vent..sound off me.. I hope I can help.. I try..

You cannot fully understand how much it helps me..

I have always tried to be an informed person..one who can help.
I realized..primarily out of..personal experience..that we do not always see how we can solve this current dilemma.. So we hope someone sees us struggle..and hope they will offer this help..
Often it is just to remind us that we already knew..but to confirm it..by hearing it from someone we trust.. Usually validates it in our mind..and we can move forward from the bump we got stuck on.
We are much stronger than we give ourselves credit ..
Sometimes..we just need a friend we trust to remind us..

It works for the one we help..and for us too.
We know more..more than most know.. More than we know we do.
Sometimes we just need a from friend to remind us.. Just to say it..and we realize... We knew that!!!
But the affirmation.. Helps.
For you...and me. :)

R 3/7/18

Bad weather..Good weather...

It is all relative.. Someone's bad is another's good. Here we are in March.. It has been a mild winter. But not for others.. Not where I want to be... But.. I could make a change..and have to adjust ..but that I know I can do.
I have used the online apps to make some submissions.. Maybe I can get some hits.. My resume.. This is the real me... Is never stellar.. I would rather meet..talk face to face .. Prove what i know.. On paper..I am lacking.. Some things you can't express..
But I will try..again and again.
NESN.. Is one.. It could happen..
I would..

Home.. Close to home.. Where I want to be..
I have a poor resume of the real me..no references still in the business that can prove me..
I may just have to go.. Start over..and make it mine..
Make the changes..and be happier..

I know.. I can..and should.. Regardless of if I am wanted..
I have never needed that kind of motivation..but it does help.
I have done the move.. Just because..and found what I needed.
But I am not young any more.. And less desirable. I have skills.. But..I am just old...

I am making the effort..I will make the change I need to..for me..
I am overdue for something.. That is just mine.

I know how to cope. Make my day to day busy..so I don't notice.
But..today I made contact..and it kept me happy..all day..
Just a simple thing. But so important..to me.

Thanks..and..your welcome.

I am trying..

R 3/6/18

Full moon of March

Yes..it is a full moon...it is March 1.
I am keeping it together.
I look and wonder where I really am?
I look and wonder why I am still here?

Some of it is uncertainty.. Some is just having to make the change..any major change.. I am still here..I am still not happy..I still do not have friends. People to chat with..face to face..
I just get up everyday..and do what I need to... Get to the next day.
Work is becoming more and more tedious..I have to take joy in completing thing's.. But really..not seeing any recognition much less compensation. But personal satisfaction.. Job well done..and enabling my work to make revenue with what I accomplish.. I can sleep at night ..when I sleep.
I must sit down an figure out the details..and make this happen.
Go home.
For exactly what that means to me.
Oh..I hold tight to the thought of having someone close by that cares..someone that allows me to be happy.
Yes..I know I am infatuated..with the idea ...I cling to that thought.
My perception is my anchor.. Keeping the fire alive.
The feelings are deep..and will never change..
But I left..came back here..to be alone.. That is my fault..
I can fix that.
I have plans..expectations of what I should do..where I should be in this life now.. Here..is .. Not.. It.
The sea calls to me.
Yes..I can find smiles..if I look here..but I do not have any personal reason to be here..just monetary..that can be fixed with a different jib in a different place.. I know this!  There is no excuse.

Procrastination.

Because..I have no tangible feedback..no one to talk with to help my mind rationalize the change..
Less real contact..
I bit..but I need that much more...
I need the daily reason to smile..
Like December..
:) Thanks!!

I do miss the everyday..like before..like my vacation..
It was so comfortable..

My current situation is not.. Has not been for so long..
That is why I hold on to the feeling ... I was happy and not stressed..
I felt I was part of a family again.
The feeling I miss so much..

Getting away from here.. May fix that..
This seems to be the place..no one of my 'family' wants to visit..
It is what it is.. Has been.. 16 years here.. Only one friend came to visit 'colorful Colorado'.
Yet.. I am still here.. Why..I do not know.

Right now.. I am not feeling as lonely..but.. Disappointed.. That I have not dedicated thought to why I cannot Leave..
I can.. I am not stuck here.

Miss you..

R 3/1/18

Shirts

Yeah.. Shirts.
The end of this month..right now it is March.
I am still busy..I have been doing work ..side work at home.. This week.. I got my state taxes then my federal taxes. And payment for the radio work at home.. I need to see what I need to payoff to get caught up..
Or should I just bank it and keep paying the monthly..and use it for MTTS2018.. Or another trip.. But I should figure out the job situation.. And relocate.. And worry about the debt..after..I can work it out.

I need to change my financials..here and there..then I can get this settled..

So.. With the monies this week..and the pending work.. And 3new shirts..2 tonight..one on Monday.. I feel like I am gonna survive.

I miss my conversations.. But get them when I can.. They help so much..if I haven't thanked you..I need to.. Thanks!!... You should know how much it means to me... To have someone ..
You.
I would be lost without you.

I know I don't seem that way.. But .. It is the truth..
I need you.

Soon.

Miss you!
I miss holding you.

I should stop..

R 3/1/18

Cold nights..

Typical Colorado Springs winter weather.. Warm sunny days.. Cold nights.
It was a nice day for February. But I am sitting here under a vent..oozing cold outside air. Brrrr. Then the heat kicks in for about 10mins.. My hands are cold..and I am drinking a cold beer...so now that the seats have emptied out I can move between the ceiling vents.
Better.

Today was better than Monday.. I got paid for the radio work I finished..and shipped it out.. I sent a gift to a friend.. Nothing much but a reminder that I am thinking of them.
I need to order parts for to people..to finish their radios.. The radios I just finished, the owner said he has a few more to send. Time will mean money.

I need to finish a few things..
I need to investigate refinance options..or see if I just wait to sell and move..
I need to find the place and the job.. And just go.

I want to  just get this done.
I need to find..a place to call home.
Because this isn't it.

All I have..here is work.. Yes I have a place ..a comfortable place to sleep..but there is no joy to be home.
It is just my place to be when I am not working.. And even then.. I need to find a place to go.. Drive..or work ..if I am not sleeping.
There is no joy being home..
Not really joy at work..other than the personal satisfaction of fixing stuff...
Everything from changing lightbulbs..to fixing the sink.. Or figuring out how to keep people from hitting the fence...there is no recognition..no compensation.. I am doing this .. All of it..for my satisfaction.. I did it. If it kept us functioning..or kept me or mike from being called in.. Win win..

It is time..

There is no one here to make sure I process and follow up..
Just me.
I need to make time.. And just get it done.

All on me.
No shocker there.

Always has been just me..

Hugs to you all..especially you that need it..
Just remember me..hug me back.

R 2/28/18

Uncommon sense...

Yep..more if that than should be. It is Monday. The day was long...frustrating and annoying. Dealing with those that either don't want to do their job..or don't know how to do their job. Leaving many important things undone. Making my job difficult..or making me do their job too.
I have enough to do.
I was better at lunchtime..got to vent about someone killing the microwave.
Just to get back and find that while I was gone someone burnt stuff in the toaster oven! And left it for someone else to clean up.. Not me!
Maybe Tuesday will be better... The boss is out..so no morning meeting..

I have a list of things to get done.. We will see how many I can do.

Some things are happening.. Saturday I got my state tax refund, and Monday I got my Federal tax refund! Sunday I got $50 for wiring some electrical work for a friend, Tuesday I should get paid for radio work.. Maybe I can get back on track this month.

My sleep has been OK.. Still hard to get to sleep..and the best sleep is that hour between alarm clocks.. No vivid dreams lately.. I guess Taylor didn't want a second date... I'm working on another job application and another update to my resume.
I am happy I have the ones in my life that continue to give my efforts meaning.
I know I have to keep on moving forward.. This past 2 months..have flown by..I still have a positive feeling.. My vacation helped find that..and it lasts .
Thank you! Again and again! I felt at home..like I belonged. Very comfortable. You and yours made that possible for us. Thank you!
It helped clear my stress..my head..my heart..
Just so you know.. Thanks!!

Sunday I spent time cleaning my home.. Got a lot done.. I realized that I have neglected a bit..and really need to do more.. Clean up..purge..straighten..de-clutter..and more.. It has been just me picking up.. No help.. I need to address that..
It is bad enough that I am the only one working.. Been there.. But cooking..cleaning..and all is on me..
Working 12 hrs a day or more..and some weekends.. And late nights.. Leaves me little time for much else.

I  have and will continue to make time for all that and me too..
But..the plan..is to get free.. .Leave this rut.. Get out..
Start over in a new place.. Just find that better happy place..
I am in this place because of someone else's need..not mine..
I have been here 16 yrs..

Time..
It is time..
Can I get it done..in 2mo?? 6mo?????

I know I need to .. For me..

Let's see!!

R 2/25/18