Yes..the hight temp this week will be 65.. last week it was 80 on Wednesday. . Then rain and cold.. Autumn has come. Probably no mor warm days .. I still havent worked on the engine or moved the car.. looks like I will have to wait till I can get it in MY garage..
So a few more weeks... I have priced rental trucks and searched for tow companies. . I need to visit AAA.. but I think it is gonna cost me ..go figure..
I heard my former assistant quit.. he was having trouble adjusting to the stresses of work after his wife died.. he needs to take care of his son.. and himself..
Work is going and staying busy.. the motel is bearable..but I cannot wait to be in my own home.. away from noisy neighbors that come home at 10 and slam doors and talk loud slam things.. just be annoying.
Not much else can be done. I need to find my schedule.. a routine..
I was getting up at 3 and driving to work at 4 to start at 5am.. traffic was light.. but after 16days of that.. I am back to leaving at 5 to start at 6am.. and I hit the merging traffic at the end of one hwy..making the end of the day later..and adding in the evening traffic..so the drive home is that much longer.. and by the time I get home..all I want to do is eat and sleep..
I know... blah blah blah...
But that is all I have.. nothing else going on..
Drive.. work..drive..eat..sleep...repeat..
I dont have reliable internet at the motel..so I can not social..ize..
I watch a bit of tv and pass out on the couch to get up to go to bed..
If I am not grocery shopping..cooking or doing laundry..
Blah..blah..
I have no one to chat with.. no one to vent to..
I have L but..there is only so much we can talk about.. she is doing little..stalled by the RMV..still waiting..
Then it will be stalled by the car.. waiting on me..
I have no friends offering help..or even that I can ask for help or support.. i am here.. as I always am.. have been.. me.
I am sure I have destroyed the bridge to companionship..the one i crossed when I got here.. I went down that one way road..and over the next bridge as it was burning.. to become an after thought. I have tried to prove I am still here.. but..I am invisible.. I have to reach.. to show I am still here.. but.. soon to be 8 miles away.. which I know will be farther than 2000..
Sorry.. I am just me.
I will just disappear into the woods.. and be forgotten.
After living close to everything.. for 16years.. I have chosen to live near nothing.. everything will be a drive.. no walking over to the pub..or short drives for Pizza..
I guess subconsciously this was on purpose. . I was accessable..available for so long..and no one cared..
Now I will be out of the way..distant..difficult. . I can hermit..
I can learn from L how to be distant..
Other than work..no one will see me..unless I seek them out..
Nothing changed there.. but..I will not have a place to be alone in the crowd.. I will just be alone.
Nothing changed really.. just more isolated.
Time to start reading my books and growing my library..
Tinker..and repair stuff..become..an old guy..
Realization..
My life.
I have no one else I can piss off..
No one else I can make hate me..
No one else that thinks the worst of any of my good intentions.
Now I see why people leave the country..and just disappear.
I have been accused of playing..I would not know how..
I cant even figure out how to prove them wrong..
I made a choice .. and didnt choose them.. just to show I can make mistakes .. and end up feeling worse..I can revisit..because I hurt them for choosing.. not them..
now I feel like a shit.. i know I chose what I wanted..but now..I am unwanted.. not even considered.. and the choices are not any more.. yes ..still friendly..but reminded often.. I chose wrong..and we all are alone..
And here I am..
I was asked today..why did I choose a motel so far from work? ..
Why did I choose to buy a house so far from work?..
Good questions.. I have no answers..
I made these choices 3 months ago..hoping to be close to something. . That no longer exists..
I made choices..to relocate..and all included..to be pushed out..denied..hurt.. made to feel inadequate.. made to feel wrong for caring.. for..being .. .....
Just to be here..and alone..isolated..forced to change all..
And forced to decide to be where I am.
Make do..
Become an after thought..
I think an after thought is one that comes way after a general consideration. . After..
No longer important. .
Not even considered..unless reminded..
I am used to this from family and friends..
Not...from those I have tried so hard to be with..
Just .. not.
It hurts..
I know there is nothing I can do..
Once a mind is made up..
Once you..think something. .you look..and find anything to justify..
And it is always there.. little things that were minor become major..
Things you would normally forgive..and forget..become creepy and a deal breaker.. you find things you did out of condieration..you do t anymore.. they dont matter that much..because I am me..deal with it.. you stop being nice.. considerate.. you find ways to make them question why..
They finally react..or reason that they must .. change the situation.. and then it is their fault..
Justified!!!
And it ends..
They could walk away.. not look back.
Accept the blame.. accept that anything they do is wrong..
And just hurt.
But..we try .. hope.. wait..
See if there is any way ..
To end up wondering...
Is it me.. ??
Must be..
It has always been me..
(See the previous posts)
All me.
I was not meant to be anything other than what I am...now.
R
10/14/18
So a few more weeks... I have priced rental trucks and searched for tow companies. . I need to visit AAA.. but I think it is gonna cost me ..go figure..
I heard my former assistant quit.. he was having trouble adjusting to the stresses of work after his wife died.. he needs to take care of his son.. and himself..
Work is going and staying busy.. the motel is bearable..but I cannot wait to be in my own home.. away from noisy neighbors that come home at 10 and slam doors and talk loud slam things.. just be annoying.
Not much else can be done. I need to find my schedule.. a routine..
I was getting up at 3 and driving to work at 4 to start at 5am.. traffic was light.. but after 16days of that.. I am back to leaving at 5 to start at 6am.. and I hit the merging traffic at the end of one hwy..making the end of the day later..and adding in the evening traffic..so the drive home is that much longer.. and by the time I get home..all I want to do is eat and sleep..
I know... blah blah blah...
But that is all I have.. nothing else going on..
Drive.. work..drive..eat..sleep...repeat..
I dont have reliable internet at the motel..so I can not social..ize..
I watch a bit of tv and pass out on the couch to get up to go to bed..
If I am not grocery shopping..cooking or doing laundry..
Blah..blah..
I have no one to chat with.. no one to vent to..
I have L but..there is only so much we can talk about.. she is doing little..stalled by the RMV..still waiting..
Then it will be stalled by the car.. waiting on me..
I have no friends offering help..or even that I can ask for help or support.. i am here.. as I always am.. have been.. me.
I am sure I have destroyed the bridge to companionship..the one i crossed when I got here.. I went down that one way road..and over the next bridge as it was burning.. to become an after thought. I have tried to prove I am still here.. but..I am invisible.. I have to reach.. to show I am still here.. but.. soon to be 8 miles away.. which I know will be farther than 2000..
Sorry.. I am just me.
I will just disappear into the woods.. and be forgotten.
After living close to everything.. for 16years.. I have chosen to live near nothing.. everything will be a drive.. no walking over to the pub..or short drives for Pizza..
I guess subconsciously this was on purpose. . I was accessable..available for so long..and no one cared..
Now I will be out of the way..distant..difficult. . I can hermit..
I can learn from L how to be distant..
Other than work..no one will see me..unless I seek them out..
Nothing changed there.. but..I will not have a place to be alone in the crowd.. I will just be alone.
Nothing changed really.. just more isolated.
Time to start reading my books and growing my library..
Tinker..and repair stuff..become..an old guy..
Realization..
My life.
I have no one else I can piss off..
No one else I can make hate me..
No one else that thinks the worst of any of my good intentions.
Now I see why people leave the country..and just disappear.
I have been accused of playing..I would not know how..
I cant even figure out how to prove them wrong..
I made a choice .. and didnt choose them.. just to show I can make mistakes .. and end up feeling worse..I can revisit..because I hurt them for choosing.. not them..
now I feel like a shit.. i know I chose what I wanted..but now..I am unwanted.. not even considered.. and the choices are not any more.. yes ..still friendly..but reminded often.. I chose wrong..and we all are alone..
And here I am..
I was asked today..why did I choose a motel so far from work? ..
Why did I choose to buy a house so far from work?..
Good questions.. I have no answers..
I made these choices 3 months ago..hoping to be close to something. . That no longer exists..
I made choices..to relocate..and all included..to be pushed out..denied..hurt.. made to feel inadequate.. made to feel wrong for caring.. for..being .. .....
Just to be here..and alone..isolated..forced to change all..
And forced to decide to be where I am.
Make do..
Become an after thought..
I think an after thought is one that comes way after a general consideration. . After..
No longer important. .
Not even considered..unless reminded..
I am used to this from family and friends..
Not...from those I have tried so hard to be with..
Just .. not.
It hurts..
I know there is nothing I can do..
Once a mind is made up..
Once you..think something. .you look..and find anything to justify..
And it is always there.. little things that were minor become major..
Things you would normally forgive..and forget..become creepy and a deal breaker.. you find things you did out of condieration..you do t anymore.. they dont matter that much..because I am me..deal with it.. you stop being nice.. considerate.. you find ways to make them question why..
They finally react..or reason that they must .. change the situation.. and then it is their fault..
Justified!!!
And it ends..
They could walk away.. not look back.
Accept the blame.. accept that anything they do is wrong..
And just hurt.
But..we try .. hope.. wait..
See if there is any way ..
To end up wondering...
Is it me.. ??
Must be..
It has always been me..
(See the previous posts)
All me.
I was not meant to be anything other than what I am...now.
R
10/14/18
posted from Bloggeroid
No comments:
Post a Comment