Spiraling away..in the wrong direction

My head is swimming.
I dont know where to step..what to say..
Not sure any place is a safe place to put my foot..
I feel like im standing in a mine field.

I woke early.. After a really long day.. Up at 2am..home by 3pm... Tired and hungry.. Nothing to eat all day..just coffee..and more coffee..
Worked on brakes..and became a snickers commercial..
Unaware i was treading on someone elses bad day.. I needed to finish this.. Before it became more of an issue..
My thoughts and plans did not see the light of day.. Then it all went south.. I feel so bad.. I added to all the anxiety and grief..
Nothing can pull me out..it all seems patronizing..
It is all appreciated.. But saying so..makes it worse.
I cannot see how to make this better..
I feel like a jerk.
I try to stay out of the way..
Try not to add to any issue..
I  wonder if it has finally broke..
A last straw..
Yet..tomorrow the designer will begin..

Is it the stress of the project? The commitment? Responsibility..?

Just friends.. That is all..
Very clear..
Very.

I am happy to be here.
I have checked .. L is too.
L has no issues..with me or anyone else..

I want to be here.

I think anxiety and doubt.. Is knocking..
Just dont open the door..

My job has me working odd shifts.. This week.. I have a 2 day weekend..Sun and Mon.. Which means.. Stay awake friday.. And Saturday..to hope to be with my family.. Leave them alone on Sunday evening.. And wait for them on Monday..
This week .. Not so much.

After..friday..i just made myself scarce.. Took a drive..
I wasnt missed at all.. They thought.. I was at work..
I got back.. And.. Still feel i did something wrong..
Eggshells
But.. As i sit in the dark..for almost an hour..
Thinking..that thing that always goes to each extreme..
I decide to let everyone go to sleep.. Take a walk..
Find some absolut..
Maybe no one will notice..

I have a few things i need to do..
Maybe i can get some done tomorrow.

We need to talk.

I need to know what you are thinking.
I need to know what i am to do.
I dont think i am doing what i need to..

Hugs..

R 7/15/18