End of November 2018

Well, I made it. Sat down. Signed everything. Set the delvery. Paid my motel bill. Cleaned up. Started to unload..trying to find a place for everything.
Got L situated and bought a desk for her and mattress for me. No bed..but a new mattress and a couch and loveseat.
After a couple nights and work.. bought a frame and figured out a temporary solution for a desk. Internet and tv.. set up my bench and antenna.  Getting settled. A few long days and got home and passed out..then  back to straightening and placement.
Cooked a bunch. Getting used to my new kitchen.
In time for thanksgiving.. bought a ham..simple..pre-cooked..
Took it a bit more...bought a turkey breast..seasoned and cooked it too.sides and pie.. just the 2 of us. Family together. She helped and it was a great way to start our new situation.

So..after that..i had to plan to use my vacation time..
So i dont loose it.
I decided to take a road trip.
I had to work all thanksgiving week..so looked at the schedule..and realized..i cant take any time in December..actually i am covering everyone elses vacation. Even longer weeks..
So.. road trip.. go visit L "s aunt in Brooklyn..then decide what to do with the rest of my time..
Well..go south..might as well keep going..all the way to the end..
Key west.
Spend some time..enjoy the sights..swim..tourist..
Then drive back...2 stops..then home and work.

I have been taking stock..thinking.. realizing.. here i am...
I have been here before and here i am.

Another year older..
Again passed with very little notice.

I explained to L , that i have always had open doors to family and friends..and no one cared.. being back on the east coast..wont matter..

If i want to see or hear from anyone..i will have to initiate.

Because i am such a bad friend..the same goes for friends.
I dont think i am approachable.. yet..only one in 55 years ever asked..
Always me..
And i guess i suck at that too.. these past couple months proved that.

So..here i am .. And i dont expect it to change..
It may be different..for a little while..but the result will be the same.
I am too old to get away with what worked before to curb my isolation..now there is so much that is different..and so hard to look over..
I can be sweet and understanding..
But i never see it for me.. i am expected to ignore everything..
And not be me..
After all this time..i have very little expectations..
I ask very little..and try to give so much.. no one does the same..beyond settling for me..

Then i am alone again.

Here i am..

December is coming.. long days..changes of schedule..January is the same too. Just work..eat..sleep..work..repeat.

I have electronics to fix..a car to fix.. a life .. to watch pass me by.

Right now..no other options..
No one wants to share

All my fault..it is who i am...always have been.

It seems that i have strategically.. made it more this way..
I have no network..no friends..not more than me and L.

December is next.

R 11/29/18