That thing I do...

Thinking...

I don't always do it when I should...or about what I should..but I do..many times too much.. most times not enough.

I have been looking back..
I realize I have been repeating a pattern..
Not a good one..
But one that leaves me right where I am now.

Since it is a repeating pattern..I deserve the result..because I could have realized this a long time ago... like when I was 18..
Back when I knew everything....

I have been told a few things.. about my past..things I didnt know.
I had to be told.. I never saw it.. it took 20 years to be told the truth..
And looking back, after I was told.. a lot made sense..but..
I didnt realize the pattern..my behavior..my choices..decisions.. selections.. were a repeating pattern.. the means to my situation..then .. now .. and many in-betweens..

As I look back..I can see the repetition. . The causes..and the results..

The first..
Revealed I was the solution to a situation.. a step..
never came clean..but I was suddenly not..
No explanation..no warning.. just.. bye.
Looking back..I was the escape clause..

Next..
This was one of the hard ones..I fought for five years..to be betrayed..then 2years later to be given a chance..then a year ..or less...once I was comfy..and actually planning.. told I didnt matter and was replaced. Just like that.. goodbye.

Then I took a break..escaped to my friends..ignored everyone else..
Im sure I passed up a few chances.. I know this to be true..at least twice that I saw / realized.... probably more..
Then..out of no where...

I was a solution. .escape for yet another..
I had means.. trust.. and the situation fit the time..
They got out from under mothers watchful eye..and all was good..
Then.. temptation caused her to slip.. and guilt caused an 'out of the blue' goodbye.. and add a bit of undeserved guilt to me..until the truth came out... but that was a months later.. but no way back..because there was really nothing there...

Then.. I met one that kept everyone.. I got caught up..
I was amazed that someone like that would even be interested..
And seemed to truly be interested... but that was who she was.. like a spider..if you got too close..you found yourself in the web..wondering how..wishing she wound come back..but dangling.. she was done and you were trapped.. till you looked around and saw the others..still stuck beside you.. some got free only to get stuck again..if you were not in the center of the web..you got ignored..
You heard the 'vibrations' about who she really was and had to choose to believe..ignore..or figure out the meaning of it all..
But in the end you were discarded...never worthy again.. if at all.

So I chose to befriend unattainables for a while..and poked at the web a few times..to be reminded I will be ignored.. then chose to vacate. .escape to Florida..

Oh .. I found a couple in Florida..that needed someone to use..
One chose me..and I accepted.. it was interesting.. and fine..till she realized I was not like most and refused to use me anymore..didnt want to hurt me .. actually..she said we needed to break up.. because she could love me.. and was not ready for that.
(Sorry if you are still reading these.. you know who you are)
Yeah..I know..you were young..

Then was the one that was just looking for some fun..and found me..
She could not commit..because she had obligations..and I was not established enough to be more than a weekend diversion..

So I turned to banter with a friend..which ended with a visit and actually meeting her roommate..

Yeah..another that was looking for an escape..
Out of her marriage..a safe guy to appease her family so she didnt have to come out... yet..I was blinded..and fell.. created a wonder and once she explained.. we decided to be parents..and friends..
Oh I give her credit..she faked it very well.. we worked it out..raised ours together.. did a good job till it was decided..and seperated..
My only regret..was her total seperation..

I rekindled with an old friend..but realized life had done a lot to us..we were rolling down differnet highways.. and friends is all we will ever be.. it was a mutual decision.. she had forgot a lot about our past...but remembered our connection.. even if she didnt remember why we were connected.

I found another.. she thought I was too good for her... her self esteem would not let her free..so she sabotaged us as often as she could. . Then life and family gave the out..just as she realized I could be... she could not..

The next was unexpected.. someone I had seen..in a common place..needed a friend to escape a bad situation.. I was willing..
I was a bit scared of the redhead..but intrigued..
It was an experience..but..I was..holding back..and she fell..
I was almost what she needed.. but..I got to know what lifestyle she was used to..and no longer had... but wanted again.. not me..I was not going down that financial road.. Then..exes stepped in..and I was not the one..
I did find that she dumped a guy because I was in the same place..and she was realizing..she wanted what I could be..
But..I was what I was..in the beginning my desireable qualities..became the reasons..I was not.. I decided to walk away..
Finally seeing I was not anywhere I wanted to be..

My regular places to visit..changed..and I went somewhere new a few times and met a friend..someone who had been there and was like me..getting out not to be alone.. we clicked with the suggestion of her friend..and we set some rules.. and spent time for about 9 months..but this was a mutual friendship..and one rule..was when your done ...say so..and we will be done. Well.. I closed it.
I was planning on a move..so I ended it as friends.

And here I am.

The overwhelming trend..I pick someone who needs help..I try to help..I fail.. I am never worthy..they are always out of my league..I am always out of my depth..or just oblivious.. they see me..
The deep friendships I think I make.. are usually onesided..and I dont see it until it hurts.
So.. I am alone..and it is my fault.

What I see is if I want to be 'happy'..
It isnt gonna last.. and ultimately my fault.

I know I have a lot to offer..
But as I realized long before any of this..
I am not anything anyone would see as a desire..
Im average.. and invisible. Sometimes I get lucky..and someone sees me..
Even if its to take advantage..
I matter for a minute..

But.. in the end..
I have to defend me..
Make / let someone see .. me..
And accept.. the me..is just me.

I cannot be a hermit..but it would be less painful.

I have moved another 2000 miles..to try not to be so isolated..
But.. I don't think it worked.. I was here less than 90 days..and my world completely changed..

Now I am back to..making the best decisions for me..and mine..

It is really not where I wanted to be.

R 10/7/18..edited ..and again 10/13/18
For clarity.

posted from Bloggeroid