How many?

I get that the situation usually involves alcohol.
It loosens up some.. it helps you relax..it lets you forget.
But.. all the time..??
Some handle it well..some just don't remember.
I get..the little things.. you forget if you told that story to this person..so you repeat..
But..this is not the first.. its third. Yes..I know its taken time..
Almost 3 months to get to here.. but..the first was 2 months in..the second was not as explosive but memorable..or should have been..
This was minimal..
In all honesty..it took all and every visual in my head to make it happen..
I know I should not be posting this..but it is not what it should be..and I feel bad. I should give in and end it. It just isnt ringing my bells.. no chemistry. I was not drinking.. I enjoyed the kissing.. but..

Oh..thank you.. the main visual..
And a memory of a butt..
We do what we must.. release is better with friends...
But overrated..as said before..
And in my case..too far and too few.
It is... And is not me.. it's in my head.. and in my heart..
It just is some level of intimacy I have to reach before its more than just a result.
Just not there.. but not alone. Not by myself..
Two very different things.

But..if the goal is what is the issue.. once it has been it
Reached.. you would think...
Blame it on the wine.

No .. I won't make an issue of it..cause I am selfish too..
I cannot be a heartbreaker. ..
I could.. break it.. I know how.. ruining it . But coming clean...
Plus.. figuring out if it is really me..or my choices. .. or me taking the choices I have..as opposed to the ones I want. The one i am mentally connected to. Verses the one I am with..

Yeah..I know.. time and distance.. my foe..

Yet..my heart.. my mind.. and the chemistry. ..
I am screwed..as always..
Give them shoes and say goodbye..
It has been done. .
How ever to apply that.

It will be what I expect in the long run

Alone..I will be..porn and 5 fingers..
Maybe another will find me a 'jerk'..or the stronger..'he's an A$$hole'

Thats what I get.
I guess it will be a deserved title.

I have known it is true for many years..

Just born in the wrong decade..

Ok..I guess I have left the rest of you scratching your head..
This is my mind..heart..and soul.

Even I do not know..

I have said a lot
Probably too much..

So..
Nite.

R 7/6/17

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