Countdown..

There are a few things I must do.. in the next few days..before I fly.
Work tasks that need to be done.. move money..so my young adult can eat and travel.. groceries and laundry.. pack and repack..
Pay future bills..
Work out this thing I have ..not going on..
Probably should give up..giving in didnt help.
M.R.N..
I have survived and understand what it is..
I m laid bare..and an open book...
Yet.. no spark..not much..
Maybe..I just cannot anymore..
To old ..missed all my chances..
Blew the chance of happiness.. to late.. then was too honest..and missed the option..
Done that over and over..
Spent too much time thinking... not enough taking that chance..
Could have been..
Now...I am the one..that should have..but never did...
And..as always.. no longer considered..
My time has passed..
I blew it.

I could have tried to be 'jack the lad' and worked both sides of the street..but I am not Adam..Im me.. I made a choice. .and alienated a sure thing..and now have neither..and am no longer considered..

And..here I am.. alone in the wilderness.... grasping for anything. . Yet always alone..
No one really wants what I have..
All my baggage..
No one wants to take the chance on me..
I am so..scared.. I don't appear available. .
Sometimes I appear desperate. .but usually I just don't appear at all..a ghost..

I need a different place.. away from here..
Yes.. I am not stuck here! !

What should I do?

I need to change..everything about my life..
I need to start over..
But I am old..and have nothing.. and nowhere and noone..
I think I have missed my chance.. and have nothing to show for all the years of effort.. even my young adult is floundering. .
Totally my fault..

Sorry.

I have no help..she has no help.. no support..
No wonder. .she is stuck..

Sorry.

As her support .. mentor.. go to..
I have failed.

Yet..I did not do this alone.. but now I am..

That.. is the main reason.. I am still in this place..this space..
This reality..
My life in limbo..
My parental responsibility .. with no support.. falls to me..

It is a very different world than when I was 21.the
I feel so responsible ... but have no idea..

Yes..I have that.. I have me..
Totally secondary. .. but the weight.. of all is on me.

I really do not think I am strong enough..by myself.. to do this..
Yet..I have been doing it all for so long..

I am just me.
As always..

I see similar results over the past decades..
No..im not rich.. see where that got you..
Im not pretty.. see where you ended up..
I am .. .me.. not something else..
Yet.. here I am.
Miserable.
Alone.
Lonely.

Too far from where I feel comfort. .

All that..and no one really cares..

This weekend I will say goodbye to a friend and mentor.. and can only hope.. I made the same impression.. on someone..

I will go and come back to my life.
I m sure. .. still alone. .and planning a flight..

Alone..
Only because..no one is brave enough to come with..
To let me ..

Some have let me.. show me..
I am consistant.. I am me..
Surprise. ..still me..

R 7/10/17

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