That was the trailing off of the last post..
It is a question as much as a decision.
I dont feel I am any where special.. I am going through those motions and my mind is on other things.
Work and stuff is occupying my time.. diversions ..better than the alternative.. I don't let on that it's not going anywhere.
'Just a bit of fun' and trying not to be depressed and alone.
I have to plan my road trip and schedule the time.. allocate the money.. and just go.
Lindsey will come..and I will make an effort to enjoy it and meet new friends.
That is what I want to do.. maybe I will this time.
On my short trip.. I need to visit Adam.. I missed him the last time.. I should visit my cousins.. and maybe Ruben and John...Cori and Jen... but it is gonna be a short trip.. I will have to see who is around and available. I may just hang out with Rick.
I could do a few things while I am there.. I may need to investigate.. or I just need to plan a week to go and get a lot done...as far as looking and visiting..
Part of that..I am not stuck here..chant.
Or..
I could just give up..and complete my state visits..and go north west. I could ..
No one keeping me here..or asking to go any other place..
It is all on me.. my thing.. my problem.
I may need to rethink the moving into the mountains and just stepping away.. detaching..and disappearing..
I am never gonna find the 3 I need.. person..place and job..
It does not exist.. when I find one and two.. the third runs..
I keep telling me.. settling isn't that bad ..
You have to fantasize..remember.. visualize.. you will get there.. eventually. (Only took a month..but still a chore to reach release)
But..destressed.. and smiles all..
I know I'm not broken..or old.. such is intimacy..
Who is it for? Them.. and you take pleasure in their bliss..
But you need release..otherwise the exercise is a chore..and not fulfilling .. prep does not help.. when you are not mentally into it....
Then... where are you? Going through.. really not where you should be.. to afraid to be alone again. .
I have been there so much..it isn't something I should dread.
I get sucked in.. seduced.. and dropped..
I always wonder why.. I never understand the reasons..
But.. after all this time. . It is what it is.. .
I can't be the perfect guy.. if I am not worthy..
Must be me.. otherwise.. it could be worked out..fixed.. if it was you..I am too flexible..just not enough..I guess.
Never enough. Just on the edge..
Really.. just kick me ..and I will go over..
R 6/30/17
It is a question as much as a decision.
I dont feel I am any where special.. I am going through those motions and my mind is on other things.
Work and stuff is occupying my time.. diversions ..better than the alternative.. I don't let on that it's not going anywhere.
'Just a bit of fun' and trying not to be depressed and alone.
I have to plan my road trip and schedule the time.. allocate the money.. and just go.
Lindsey will come..and I will make an effort to enjoy it and meet new friends.
That is what I want to do.. maybe I will this time.
On my short trip.. I need to visit Adam.. I missed him the last time.. I should visit my cousins.. and maybe Ruben and John...Cori and Jen... but it is gonna be a short trip.. I will have to see who is around and available. I may just hang out with Rick.
I could do a few things while I am there.. I may need to investigate.. or I just need to plan a week to go and get a lot done...as far as looking and visiting..
Part of that..I am not stuck here..chant.
Or..
I could just give up..and complete my state visits..and go north west. I could ..
No one keeping me here..or asking to go any other place..
It is all on me.. my thing.. my problem.
I may need to rethink the moving into the mountains and just stepping away.. detaching..and disappearing..
I am never gonna find the 3 I need.. person..place and job..
It does not exist.. when I find one and two.. the third runs..
I keep telling me.. settling isn't that bad ..
You have to fantasize..remember.. visualize.. you will get there.. eventually. (Only took a month..but still a chore to reach release)
But..destressed.. and smiles all..
I know I'm not broken..or old.. such is intimacy..
Who is it for? Them.. and you take pleasure in their bliss..
But you need release..otherwise the exercise is a chore..and not fulfilling .. prep does not help.. when you are not mentally into it....
Then... where are you? Going through.. really not where you should be.. to afraid to be alone again. .
I have been there so much..it isn't something I should dread.
I get sucked in.. seduced.. and dropped..
I always wonder why.. I never understand the reasons..
But.. after all this time. . It is what it is.. .
I can't be the perfect guy.. if I am not worthy..
Must be me.. otherwise.. it could be worked out..fixed.. if it was you..I am too flexible..just not enough..I guess.
Never enough. Just on the edge..
Really.. just kick me ..and I will go over..
R 6/30/17
posted from Bloggeroid
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