Trying..

Yes..as always..still trying.
Trying to impress..trying to make a difference..trying to have meaning and purpose. Trying not to isolate..trying to belong.
Trying not to scare anyone. Trying to stay somewhat sane.
Yes.. I try to appear happy.. I have aligned reasons to appear that way. I can try to be busy enough for nothing to matter..
I can try to 'feel'.. I can try to be in the moment..
Trying..
I try to make it look like I am not trying.. it looks like it is spontaneous and just happening..
But.. I can leave all the trying behind for a few days..and just be.
I can be .. sad.. comfortable. . Supportive. .I can be a friend..
I can be away..yet home..around people that know how I feel..
Somewhere I don't have to try. I can just be.

I think I am finally in a place.. I have found.. the. . Place in my head..
It is cheating..but.. it works..
Really it is fooling me... and even knowing that.. it can be ...
With little trying..
Visualization. . And memories. . Equal satisfaction.. while settling..
Unfair.. to me and everyone else..
But really.. how hard do I have to try to fool myself??
It has been done so many times..
Find a one.. full acceptance without trying.. just me..being me..and being accepted. . Not where I am.. I havent been there for a long time. But trying not to be alone..yet..always..alone.

Then.. here I am trying not to distance me.. from those that have accepted the me... but I do.. and it happens..
Yet.. I say things and do the other..and no one gets me..beyond the desperation...so I look like bad.. I actually feel bad.. and I make people I trust.. rethink.. me...
Not where I want to be..
I really want to be in a place..where I don't have to try..just be..

Try..try..try..

Here I am..

Still alone..without the appearance of lonely..

I try... not to look or feel that pathetic..
But the truth.. is ... the truth.

Yet... here I am..
Trying.

Who am I trying for..you..or me??

R 7/10/17

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