Revelations..

It is an interesting thing.. you try to explain something to someone about your behavior..and you learn something about yourself you didn't realize..because you think about it..the reasons why you are a certain way.. and you find an explanation you didnt realize was truth.
A revelation.
Not really an epiphany. . But a different way to justify your 'ticks'..your uniqueness. .
It gives me insight into how people perceive the odd ball I feel I am..
I used to believe I was .. plain.. non-descript..not the most desireable if given a choice..not physically impressive..
I knew..I was mentally attractive.. but..I had to get to the point where someone would allow me to express 'me' so I would have a chance.. it was a personal self-esteem thing..
No..I am not 'full of my self'... I know..I am an aquired taste..
I still say..if you get to know me.. you may find the 'real' me..one you might like.. not many people want to invest that much time ..to get to know anyone.. much less., me..
I have attributes that can be noticed... but..never at first look...
It may be a mixed blessing..because those I know..are deserving..I am deserving.. it isn't superficial.. if I was... the physical 'pretty boy'..it would attract a different. .. type.. and I would never been able to meet. .the people that mean the most to me.. at this time in my life..much like back when I knew everything (20's) I see the value in those that let me love them.. I look to the future..I examine the relationship based on if a future is possible.. it isn't just a right now mentality. .it's will this survive.. will we be happy..

(Yes...I feel I was much more mature when I was 18..than the rest up to now..)

Yet..I am still just me..and have no one.. to share this time with..
Still looking to not be lonely..

I am not..sure how much time I have left to find the one..the one to share my life with...till the end..
I feel I was jipped..out of the 20 years..I should have been with the one I would share the end game with.. but..I chose the wrong one...and..here I am..at this age.. just me..searching..just grasping at an unrealized future..and finding frustration and disappointment..

Do not get me wrong.. I love the people I have met..I have connected with..those that get me..I will always love them more than anyone..having to explain..decrypt..me..can be daunting...sometimes I do things ..I have always done.. and don't remember why anymore.. but it is me..it is who I have become..
Take me as I am...

But .. some I just click with.. and it doesn't go away.. when it progresses. .it becomes so much more.. physical is a plus.. the mental connection is so much more.. every level is electric. .
To be touched on that mental plane.. makes all the rest so much more..

Magic..
Please..do not ever sever that... I would be so lost.

R 7/29/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Here I am..

So .. my time away is closing in. I am anxious. I want to do this..I have planned it.. I need it.. time away from work responsibilities.
A little drive time..
Time with mmy young adult.
Maybe time I can make a few new friends..
But time away from my current home.

I have had a good few weeks..I am happy and I have many happy thoughts. I have a good feeling back in my brain.. I smile more than I was before.. I am looking at my situation and my solutions available to me. .
I have put in the hours..worked to the best of my ability.. spread the love..and relied on the friendship and remote companionship.
People that always make me smile. My work allows me to enjoy my real friends.. it truly is what i live for...without them in my life..no matter how far away..or how often we meet.. I am whole.. knowing they are there..
Knowing they care..
It brings a smile to me always.. a warm feeling. .
I can only hope I do the same for them...

Yet.. here I am.. just me.. looking for the opportunity to present itself..
It is only a matter of time.. it will happen..it is inevitable.

By design..

R 7/27/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Sleep deprivation. .

Like most people..I get my best deepest sleep in the last hour before my alarm clock.
If someone wakes me 5 minutes before my alarm.. my day is basically ruined..
For the past 2 days.. I have been called..by work.. at 6 am. Requiring me to get up and rush to work.. my alarm is set to 6:35am.. and I am scheduled to be at work at 8 am.
So.. these past 2 days..have been difficult.
But I am making it through.. I havent yelled at anyone specific...
Yet...

But I realize.. I need sleep to stay sane.. so I will work on that.

Right!

So.. here I am.. as always.. just logging on the tour.. I think im halfway to my 25..
I know..most wont get it..but..it is an acomplishment..
It does keep me busy..

I am.. doing what I need to.. not necessarily what I want to be doing.
I know..what I should be doing..I know I have..I know what I want..I know what I am allowed.
Most of those things are opposites..and in very different directions..and results.

I am happy for the little things I have experienced..when I let myself. .find a thing..a feeling that I thought I needed to avoid..not press..but it flowed and was good..up to a point.. sorry... but it did feel right and real.. it was needed..and welcomed.. and so fantastic. . It renewed my faith In a future thought.. many things need to fall into place..and I would feel comfortable. . And happy..and be able to allow another to be comfortable and happy..
It is allowed.. sanctioned if you will..
I have hopes it will come back around.. and be good.

I am scared..I do not want to push..
I do not want to expect too much..
I don't want to ruin it..
As I always do..
But... it feels right..it has from the beginning..
I respect it. And understand .. as I have said... many times and many ways..
The past few .. has not changed.. anything... for me.. I deny myself..out of respect. . But it has not changed.. I am me.
I will always be 'the me' I allow you to see.. the one no one sees..
Its there..but you have to matter to find it..

You matter!

Said.
I can not hide it from those that have taken the time to know me..
Those are the ones I respect the most..
No one ever saw me..most expected something.. but got what they asked for....the ones..that saw me..heard me.. they found the me most dont..
The friend..the confidant..the 'nice' guy.. but never me..almost never.. the few that looked.. got way more than they thought was possible..
Hey!!. I am me.
I guess I always will be..
You have to 'see' me or look for me.
Just ask!
I hide In plain sight... which is why most cannot see me...
Yes..I love you. You know it.. I cant say it anymore.. I think it scared you..
I don't want to frighten you..
After all this time... you know who I am..

I am me..little lonely ole me..

Hug me..feel my hug..
Know me.. feel my love..
I am me..

R 7/26/17.

posted from Bloggeroid

The weekend is over.. I really didn't notice..

It wasn't a bad weekend. It wasn't really a busy one.. but it didnt seem like time off.. no real rest.
I did get out for a drive. A chance to see the scenery..get up in the mountains in the cool fresh air. I got to spend time with the young adult.. a pre-trip drive..
I did yard work.. radio work.. got called in to work.. and it ended ..with beginning the work week with a 6 am wake up call for some BS issue that could wait till 8 am.. which came too quick..and I was grumpy and tired.. till about 9..when I finally was able to get coffee...
Eventually..it evened out..and I was able to function without snapping at everyone.. tomorrow is meetings and scheduling. .
Work..work.. work..
That is what they pay me for..
I got to get through this week and 3 days next week.. then road trip with L.. some destressing..

I miss my friends.. I miss having friends..
The ones that dont live anywhere near where I am.not just physically..but mentally. . It is hard to find anyone..in my same mental state..I relate to so much..my issues parallel others..on a sublevel.. not the same..no where close..but.. the feeling has similarities. .
I would never presume. .to know real loss..
But I feel their pain..I hope I help. .
I do care..
Maybe too much..
I understand loss..
I know the many different levels.. not something I am proud of..but
Sometimes we need to know we are not alone.
If only.. on aa personal level..an anchor..or a lighthouse. .
Just something to keep us from crashing on the rocks..
A hand..to pull you up.
A hug to prove you are alive...and someone cares..
Never a question.. but we all need reminders..
Yes..you are beautiful..yes ..someone could love you..
Yes.. you deserve it.. yes.. someone loves all of you!

There is lots of kinds of love..
The ones that matters.. are elusive. We seek them out.. ignoring the others..because we think they are not the same. .. they are related..
It is a feeling. .. one we cannot escape..once we see it.. we don't want to. .see it.. because it can validate our future..one we are scared of..one we never hope to have..but secretly wish for..
A love we are worthy of..without knowing. Or making known.
I won't say it was never meant to be.. but..if it is..it has to be embraced. .
As it is written.. 'Love never fails'.
Truth.

Yet... here I am..loving unconditional. ....

Once I find it.. I refuse to let it go.

Because it is so precious. .so hard to find..the effort is always worth it... we usually do not let ourselves enjoy it. . But it is deserved.
We just have to see it.. let ourselves see it..feel it..
It is real.

Only to be realized. Or accepted.

R 7/25/17

posted from Bloggeroid

So.. there still is ...

On the engineering call today.. I learned they have not filled the postlition back east.. one I would truly be interested in.. not home..but not days away.. I applied amfew months ago.. heard nothing.. maybe..I should ask certain individuals..and see..
Another house I drive by..has sold in less than a week.. I saw the price rise 30k..and it still sold.. now is the time.

I have tasks to finish in the next 2weeks..then a driving vacation..
Then.. I need to schedule a few things and stick to it.

My personal life..is what it is.. I have contact with my local friends..but no obligations.. just me and my young adult.. the cat..
Work..and working on completing #24..
Some goal.. one I can control.

I think I have done the needed tasks to be accepted.. I have proven my integrity..and the extent of my personality.. I will continue to be me.. and I hope to be happy..
Really that is all I can hope for.. is to have a few friends that are close enough to visit when I am lonely..that are always happy to see me...as I am to see them.. not so close that I bother them..but..close enough to make them smile and be comfortable when I do visit.
But .. close enough to be there when they need me.
Nothing makes me happier than being able to help my friends survive to the next day.. if it is in my power..I will do it..
It makes me smile inside..and the light bursts out..and illuminates them. And we all smile.

That is what I need..what I ask for..to be able to do that..every day..
Be the reason someone smiles.. make someone happy..in word or deed or sheer presence.. an freely given hug ... and more..
The happy you have makes me happy.
It makes my day.. the grin is the proof..

If you need a hug..let me know.. I can do that..it is one thing i forgot for years.. and get so much satisfaction from... its unreal...

The only thing I lack..of my requirements. .is the partner to hold..all night.. the one that lets me know..I am not alone..not all by myself..
Not someone to forget..
( yes.. sometimes.. I get to know what that is.. and I realize..I was never meant to be alone..)
That is a pain..I hope no one is forced to live with..
I know it is for so many.. yet..here we are..we could help eachother with our issues. If we let them.
But we must let them.. if we know it is safe..
We by design..are not meant to be alone. .without someone ..on our level to help us survive this life we live in.. a companion.. like Adam
That is what most seek out..all their lives.. far to many fail to find the one that completes them..some give up..some are never satisfied because they never realize someone is there..
They either refuse to admit..or think they cannot admit that ..what they need is right there in their grasp..yet they let go.
Not that they are hoping something better is waiting..
It's because they are afraid. .that nothing will measure up.
Yet.. once in a while..
If you refuse to see... you will miss out.. then wonder.

Don't wonder.. see!

posted from Bloggeroid

A day..

Yes..this was a catch up day.. whittling away at the remainig tasks.
Still fighting with corporate and their inability to process payments.
Still building things. I modified a shelf today. Then installed it..another thing out of the hallway.. got the cubicles reassembled..and computers setup. Fought with a hard drive cloning..and lost..but tomorrow is another day...and I will get it fixed.

I went home..cooked..did the dishes..worked on a radio for 3 hours.. just to remove all I did and put it back to normal..and now it zeems to work... I will have to check it tomorrow evening.

Then I cleaned the spots on the carpet..unclogged a drain..and had to go out for a bit.. thus this post...

No one to talk to..so I will talk to myself.

I know many of the conversations I had the past few days with different people revolved around where I am..and where I want to be. I have no prospects yet for work. . I need to look..I need to make time to see where I can go.
Other than not needing to be here .. I have to look for a place that needs me..somewhere close to where I want to be.
'I am not stuck here'...
The housing market here is booming.. now would be the time to go..
It would be to my advantage.. I have done the math..ran the scenarios.. figured the how and why..and justified the rest.
It could be done..
I think it should.
I would be doing this for me and L. My young adult needs a change. I hope it will be like the first time she went east.. she changed her entire routine. She blossomed. . I know it would help.
I am at a point where the work ceiling is firm. And I can go no further without a location change..
It will make me happier to not be stuck here.
I will have friends close by.. I would not necessarily be local..but not 2000 miles away.

I know.. there is no one that has requested my presence. .beyond visits.. that is not why I am thinking about this..
It is something I need.. to be close to home.. close to the ocean.
I have been planning this for 7 years or more..just waiting for the house to be valuable..my work to be diverse enough to have regional offerings.. and kiddo to be out of school and willing for a change.
I know I have been ready.
I have a house and a job..but those are relaceable.. moveable.. I think I am overdue.
I can find comfort with friends that are close.. and not have to plan months in advance to be able to visit.
Being out here..in this place that no one wants to visit... makes me have to go.. yes.. I love travel and going places..but no one wants to come here..to see me..or this place I live in.. so ..I need to go elsewhere. Somewhere people will visit..
I have offered..but .. no takers..
It might be me.. it might be where I live.. .. no .. must be me.

Enough of that..

This last trip home.. was for a certain circumstance.. and it was nice to be able to do it.. all in all.. it was for a couple hours..and it was done. The rest of the time was for me. I took advantage of the situation..enjoyed spending time ..and talking with those that would listen.. I should have done more..visited more.. but..what I did..was enough.
I am happy.
I know home is still there..

I miss it and everyone there.

R 7/19/2017

posted from Bloggeroid

Home again.. back to work...with a smile.

The trip went well.
The memorial was good. He is home. Laid to rest at home.
His friends appreciated that he was finally where he wanted to be.
I was glad to be there too.

So..the next few days were for me.
Relax.. enjoy being home..enjoy being with friends.
Yes, I visited the ones that would never forgive me for coming
And not stopping to say hi..I love them all.

I spent quality time with those that get me..
I think I got answers I was needing..
I found direction that I needed..
I realized that I did not scare away the person I care for.
I was informed of the boundries that exist. .and feel good about them.
I am happy to know..I have not been forgotten.. I made it a point to prove I am always me. I am sorry the result was not as it should be..but I know.. the point was made..
I do.. I always will.. it may never be different from what it has become.. but I will always wish it does.
I can live with it if it does not ..but know..it is not just me..not just in my head..a fantasy..
I cannot express my depth..and hope it is known..

I realize the difficulties. . I accept the issues..
As I have said over and over.. I get it.
More than anyone else..
Really..I dont know why.. but I do.
I get it.

Yes, the trip was clarification for me..

I am not expecting anything to change..
Just I am not unsure anymore..
I see. I have had it explained..and I do understand.

It may never change.. but it don't feel like i am alone.. I feel like I belong to a feeling..one of smiles and happy..
Yeah..kinda sappy.. but. I feel so good after holding you in my arms..
Even with no promise of any future.. I smile.. the now.. makes me smile..
I am working on the things I can change..
But I know I will always have a friend..one who knows how much love I can give.. how much I can love.

Someone that appreciates. .the me most never will know.

143!

R 7/19/17

posted from Bloggeroid

5 hours.

I am headed out in 5 hours.. roughly..
I had a long day. Got to sleep at 2:30a. Got called into work at 4:15a ..just to open a door and grab 4 powercords for a band to set up..I went back home..crawled back into bed and overslept.. 8:30.. worked till 5:07p.. home..did laundry..cooked dinner..replaced the screen on my phone.. packed..repacked.. went to the atm..now..having a couple beers.
Ill go home..sleep for a few..and get on a plane..
Let the weekend begin..

Yes.. Saturday I will pay my respects to my friends departure.
But I will honor his memory...
He was a good friend..and I respected him and his knowledge.
He helped me..and was a friend.
I will miss him. But primarily I am going as support to his best friend.. be needs us to help as much as we can to help him accept the passing of his friend.
I met Ron thru Rick.. and they have always been my friends.
I know Rick is taking this hard..and he needs the support of those that knew Ron to aid in his passing. I will represent for both causes.
Also..it will be nice to be back..around friends..in a famliar place..
I do miss it so.. I need to make the necessary adjustments to my situation..and...make it work in my favor..
If I am gonna be alone ..I would rather be alone near the sea.. not stuck in the mountains. ..

I sucked at all of this as a young adult..and now.. realize.. it will not change... I fall in ..and no one rescues me.. they walk away..
They stare. . And watch as I go under...and beg for a hand.. for someone to care..yet.. I can Tread water.. but end up confused..
Disoriented... lost.
Once apon a time..I found a kindred soul.. we clicked...in so many ways.. mental and physical. . Yet.. not to be.. I will never understand why.
Nope. . Never.

To diverge.. E got married!! Good for her..

Chapter closed.

A..is moving into her new home..
Little or no contact.. you would think..20 years would mean some thing..

The one that found a why ..a ghost..

R.. only a FB friend.. no more contact outside that..and none direct.
J..another Ghost.
The local J.. preoccupied..and not concerned with me..
C.. no contact.. I should visit that..

(Yes.. 3 pints in...)

I am doing a brain dump before I leave..for a vacation..
Much.. needed..time off.

This will be a cleansing. .
I hope.

I need Decyphering.. clarification.. a definition of the crap in my head..

I know I wont find it.. but I do need to find what is next.

R 7/14/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Posting

I seem to have been posting a lot lately..
Which really means I have been sitting in a bar by myself alot.
Pondering and venting..and examining things in my head.
This past couple months have been stressful and busy.
My cat thinks I have not been home enough. He is louder than normal.. wants to sleep in my room. Which is so rare..
I just have not been home..

Poor guy.

This short trip is needed. To be around friends. In a famillar place.

Maybe the stress will subside and I can get back to normal.. sleep more..drink less.. work is always work..
Got to pay bills and got to get up every day and have a thing to do..to be doing.

The whole personal life is what it is.
What it has always been. I am only surprised when someone pulls me into their lives.and allows me time.
I seem to always disappoint..or fail..or just don't measure up..
Or some other reason I lose out..
Some just leave..some tell me to go..some make me give up..
Rarely.. I realize I am not what they need..or not where I want to be..
Mosty..I am confused when it ends.. I do try.. I do all the things I supposed to do.. but.. it is never enough.
I am not the guy.. just a guy.

Well enough of that..
A couple days and I will be in a familliar place..and hunt down familliar faces..and see who misses me.. I miss all of them..
I miss home..
I need to keep my eye on any openings.. and make it a reality.

But.. in the meantime.. im just working and doing my day to day.

R 7/12/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Countdown..

There are a few things I must do.. in the next few days..before I fly.
Work tasks that need to be done.. move money..so my young adult can eat and travel.. groceries and laundry.. pack and repack..
Pay future bills..
Work out this thing I have ..not going on..
Probably should give up..giving in didnt help.
M.R.N..
I have survived and understand what it is..
I m laid bare..and an open book...
Yet.. no spark..not much..
Maybe..I just cannot anymore..
To old ..missed all my chances..
Blew the chance of happiness.. to late.. then was too honest..and missed the option..
Done that over and over..
Spent too much time thinking... not enough taking that chance..
Could have been..
Now...I am the one..that should have..but never did...
And..as always.. no longer considered..
My time has passed..
I blew it.

I could have tried to be 'jack the lad' and worked both sides of the street..but I am not Adam..Im me.. I made a choice. .and alienated a sure thing..and now have neither..and am no longer considered..

And..here I am.. alone in the wilderness.... grasping for anything. . Yet always alone..
No one really wants what I have..
All my baggage..
No one wants to take the chance on me..
I am so..scared.. I don't appear available. .
Sometimes I appear desperate. .but usually I just don't appear at all..a ghost..

I need a different place.. away from here..
Yes.. I am not stuck here! !

What should I do?

I need to change..everything about my life..
I need to start over..
But I am old..and have nothing.. and nowhere and noone..
I think I have missed my chance.. and have nothing to show for all the years of effort.. even my young adult is floundering. .
Totally my fault..

Sorry.

I have no help..she has no help.. no support..
No wonder. .she is stuck..

Sorry.

As her support .. mentor.. go to..
I have failed.

Yet..I did not do this alone.. but now I am..

That.. is the main reason.. I am still in this place..this space..
This reality..
My life in limbo..
My parental responsibility .. with no support.. falls to me..

It is a very different world than when I was 21.the
I feel so responsible ... but have no idea..

Yes..I have that.. I have me..
Totally secondary. .. but the weight.. of all is on me.

I really do not think I am strong enough..by myself.. to do this..
Yet..I have been doing it all for so long..

I am just me.
As always..

I see similar results over the past decades..
No..im not rich.. see where that got you..
Im not pretty.. see where you ended up..
I am .. .me.. not something else..
Yet.. here I am.
Miserable.
Alone.
Lonely.

Too far from where I feel comfort. .

All that..and no one really cares..

This weekend I will say goodbye to a friend and mentor.. and can only hope.. I made the same impression.. on someone..

I will go and come back to my life.
I m sure. .. still alone. .and planning a flight..

Alone..
Only because..no one is brave enough to come with..
To let me ..

Some have let me.. show me..
I am consistant.. I am me..
Surprise. ..still me..

R 7/10/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Trying..

Yes..as always..still trying.
Trying to impress..trying to make a difference..trying to have meaning and purpose. Trying not to isolate..trying to belong.
Trying not to scare anyone. Trying to stay somewhat sane.
Yes.. I try to appear happy.. I have aligned reasons to appear that way. I can try to be busy enough for nothing to matter..
I can try to 'feel'.. I can try to be in the moment..
Trying..
I try to make it look like I am not trying.. it looks like it is spontaneous and just happening..
But.. I can leave all the trying behind for a few days..and just be.
I can be .. sad.. comfortable. . Supportive. .I can be a friend..
I can be away..yet home..around people that know how I feel..
Somewhere I don't have to try. I can just be.

I think I am finally in a place.. I have found.. the. . Place in my head..
It is cheating..but.. it works..
Really it is fooling me... and even knowing that.. it can be ...
With little trying..
Visualization. . And memories. . Equal satisfaction.. while settling..
Unfair.. to me and everyone else..
But really.. how hard do I have to try to fool myself??
It has been done so many times..
Find a one.. full acceptance without trying.. just me..being me..and being accepted. . Not where I am.. I havent been there for a long time. But trying not to be alone..yet..always..alone.

Then.. here I am trying not to distance me.. from those that have accepted the me... but I do.. and it happens..
Yet.. I say things and do the other..and no one gets me..beyond the desperation...so I look like bad.. I actually feel bad.. and I make people I trust.. rethink.. me...
Not where I want to be..
I really want to be in a place..where I don't have to try..just be..

Try..try..try..

Here I am..

Still alone..without the appearance of lonely..

I try... not to look or feel that pathetic..
But the truth.. is ... the truth.

Yet... here I am..
Trying.

Who am I trying for..you..or me??

R 7/10/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Sorry.. I did not mean to offend..

I think..
I may have offended..or scared some..
It is.. me..as always.. saying too much.
But never all..

Yes..the last post was a bit blunt..but no one really reads this..or gets me.. no.. some do.. but most dont.
Sorry if I was too much.. but truth be told.
No
Don't stop reading because you cannot see my truth..
I am who I am.. you may know me..if not..you should know me by now. Just read..my descriptions are me.. it is complicated..but me.
I love..I never stop loving.. but.. I know when I am not the one.
Yes..pain in figuring that out.. but what I say.. and mean are the same. There is no deception..no agenda.. just me and my heart.

It can be scary to be loved by me.. I know this.. many never fully understand it.. some do..but never to the degree that it is..
Mostly it is me.. and my perceptions..and expressions.
Some will never get it.. years later... they still don't. . To their loss.

I know I am not the worst.. but never the primary choice..for what ever reason.. just never worthy enough...
By now..I should realize..I do..but refuse to accept..
Yet.. here I am.. trying not to be alone.

Should we have to try??
Is there not enough people to keep anyone happy?
Happiness. . So elusive.. some find it..and toss it aside..
Some never find it...and wonder why?.. yet....

Here we are lost and lonely.. wondering. .
Yes..we all cry every day about our losses..
We all think no one will ever understand our pains..
But we cut out those that do know..
Maybe because we think they will never understand. ..
The all behind it..
We never give them the chance. .. we just assume.

Such as it is..

The true heart..gets it.
And never gives up.

Look..and allow yourself to see..


R
7/7/17

Yes...
7 7 7!

posted from Bloggeroid

How many?

I get that the situation usually involves alcohol.
It loosens up some.. it helps you relax..it lets you forget.
But.. all the time..??
Some handle it well..some just don't remember.
I get..the little things.. you forget if you told that story to this person..so you repeat..
But..this is not the first.. its third. Yes..I know its taken time..
Almost 3 months to get to here.. but..the first was 2 months in..the second was not as explosive but memorable..or should have been..
This was minimal..
In all honesty..it took all and every visual in my head to make it happen..
I know I should not be posting this..but it is not what it should be..and I feel bad. I should give in and end it. It just isnt ringing my bells.. no chemistry. I was not drinking.. I enjoyed the kissing.. but..

Oh..thank you.. the main visual..
And a memory of a butt..
We do what we must.. release is better with friends...
But overrated..as said before..
And in my case..too far and too few.
It is... And is not me.. it's in my head.. and in my heart..
It just is some level of intimacy I have to reach before its more than just a result.
Just not there.. but not alone. Not by myself..
Two very different things.

But..if the goal is what is the issue.. once it has been it
Reached.. you would think...
Blame it on the wine.

No .. I won't make an issue of it..cause I am selfish too..
I cannot be a heartbreaker. ..
I could.. break it.. I know how.. ruining it . But coming clean...
Plus.. figuring out if it is really me..or my choices. .. or me taking the choices I have..as opposed to the ones I want. The one i am mentally connected to. Verses the one I am with..

Yeah..I know.. time and distance.. my foe..

Yet..my heart.. my mind.. and the chemistry. ..
I am screwed..as always..
Give them shoes and say goodbye..
It has been done. .
How ever to apply that.

It will be what I expect in the long run

Alone..I will be..porn and 5 fingers..
Maybe another will find me a 'jerk'..or the stronger..'he's an A$$hole'

Thats what I get.
I guess it will be a deserved title.

I have known it is true for many years..

Just born in the wrong decade..

Ok..I guess I have left the rest of you scratching your head..
This is my mind..heart..and soul.

Even I do not know..

I have said a lot
Probably too much..

So..
Nite.

R 7/6/17

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