Working each day.. all weekend..

That was one of the longest weekends ever.
Worked late all the week before..in preparation ..
Just to be called at 3 am. Then called in to work at 4..working through till 9am.
Then to be called again..to have to go up to the mountain. .and reset the AC..
I made the best of both days.
Then.. Monday.. busy as always..and when it was not..I found plenty to do..
All to go home..cook.. do the dishes..and go to watch the hockey playoffs .. spend some time with a friend..then out for beer by myself, late.

Now to dread Tuesday.

If you have read some of my older posts.. you know what Tuesdays are..

Diverting..

I have a thing..
A mental block.
Some have helped me overcome it..
But I have never found the 'key' .. or the real reason..
I know it is me... past issues.. but..it has never been this bad.
I have tried..different things.. and nothing seems to help this ..
I can prepare.. and after a few days.. nothing..I should explode.. I can forget preparation.. and it does not matter..
No difference..
It could be just too confined..
But others were too free.
Those would have been physical..
I go back to something in my head..
It's me..
Is it that im not letting it ?
Automatically. . Nothing. ..
Manually..works.. even together..manual works.
Just a messed up me...

Yeah..that can't be it...

I just don't get me sometimes..
I'm not holding back, intentionally. .
Just not feeling the connection. ??

Or something.. someone else.. ??

Or just me..being me.. confused and me.

Im sure I will screw this up.
I have heard the past baggage..
I do not compare..

I don't think I am trying..
Well..I am trying..
I am not disappointed..just no.. obvious results.

I just need to stop worrying about all of this..
Get through this summer and work..and figure out where to be.
Besides alone.
That state of mind don't work for me. .
Lonely... onely.. I need someone in my life that keeps me sane..and gives me purpose

R 6/6/17

posted from Bloggeroid