Where am I?

I have absolut-ly no idea.
Not right this minute... I mean here..In this moment...this place I find my thoughts.. I am more than lost or directionless..I have been clinging to a memory..a place I went and felt like me.
It was so far from where I have been living.
I have constant reminders of the fact that I am on my own.
No one is pulling me from the edge..no one is calling me back from the precipice. . Or even asking for me.
I feel forgotten..a memory that is dim..when remembered..not at the intense level I made sure would not be forgotten..
Fail
I guess it was not enough..
As always..I am never ..enough..

I know I should be used to it.. history will always repeat.

Einstein said..doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is madness..
But, I have. I guess I am mad.

By this time if you have not figured out how to approach it differently..you are doomed to repeat it..mistakes included.

Yet..it hurts the same. Every part.
You just are not good enough.
You really don't deserve it.
Never will. So here you are.. with no idea why. .. nevermind..
It is what it is. What it has been. Since before I knew it.

So .. I have no idea where I am..how I got here..how to leave. Where to go next..
That is why.. I am just doing the same..
Looking for something or someone to find me..and lead me out.

My sense of direction..my map reading skills..my intuition.. my spatial awareness. .is of no help.. none at all.

I am so displaced on so many levels..I doubt what I know for certain..which was never ever me.. I could debate what I knew with the best..prove my point..prove me..and walk away proud.
I don't know how anymore.
My little confidence is gone. Worn away by someone that took the challenge..and whittled away at it for 20 years..
I walked away..very much broken.. but took solace in the fact that it wasn't because of me.. but now realize.. it helped destroy what was left. Only very few could reach 'the me' that I was. The only part of me that people undertood. That hidden me..the one that you must get to know..the one you 'find'.
I have it in me.. that 'thing' that makes you smile..makes you happy when you realize you are special to someone. . I can help you see that. I have done it! You can't deny it.
If you don't know.. doing that.. makes me burst with happiness. Makes me feel there is a reason to be on this planet.
Purpose.
Other than not knowing where I am..why I am here now..

Thank you..
Those that let me help.
It gives me meaning.

Give me a place to be.

R 2/21/17

posted from Bloggeroid