February start..

Ok..January was a quick pass through month.
Barely remember it.
February started well. Busy. Making money. Getting things done.
Busy ahead. Corp. In next week. Big day Sunday. Hoping all goes as planned. Hoping for no major problems.
May have a way to boost morale.. money!
Waiting for local upper management to contact the people holding the cash. I may make a few people very happy.
We will see.

Me.. I am frustrated.
In many ways.
I came home to my young adult sitting in the dark, on the computer. No acknowledgement. Today.. not even a response to my conversation. Went back to work. Came home late...with dinner. In the dark..playing solitare.. no conversation. . Then asleep on the couch. Somethings up..and she dont want to talk about it.

Lost.

Yes still alone.
No one wants me.
I stopped in at my old bar last night.. just to see who was there.
A few old regulars.. chatted with one..who asked why I haven't been there in 5 months.. I said no one is here any more.. got the info on their past few months.. stayed about 30 mins..and went home.
Went by tonight.. drove through and went somewhere else.

Just not feeling comfortable there. Maybe tomorrow for kareoke.
I will ask Lindsey.

As far as anyone else.. nope.
No one.

I need to check out the ski vacation.
Or a trip east.. flying.. or driving.

I should start prepping the engine.. buy the parts.
Start assembling..
That should keep me out of trouble..and make me sleep.
Exhaustion sleep. No worries about getting old and being alone..

I also should look for another car..maybe. mini.. for me.. and give Pearl to L.

Or buy the station truck..

Or not any.

I need a new network. I have no prospects..no help.
The new company makes me nervous.
No idea if I will be replaced.. and left with all my debt..
Or if I will shine and be recognized.. or if I should jump ship..and get out.

Yet..I come back to ..just me.
I effectively live by my self. I always cook for two. But usually eat alone. Weekends I am by my self.. I cant go anywhere..do anything..I am waitng ..
This weekend is the big Sunday.. I wont be arround from noon to prob 9pm. Unpaid of course.. but I have to be available. .accessible. so I will be at work.

Speaking of which..I just sent an emal asking to be fed. If not Im ordering me a pizza. On the company..because I am not being paid to be there.

If anyone has seen that bastard ISTBA...
Tell him thanks for nothing.
Because I really feel alone. Home and work. Present and future.
I am not getting any younger.. and old grey and alone is where I live.

I know.. woe with me.. it's up to me.
But I have never been the guy .. never in control of me.
Just one struggle after another.
Never positive result.
I make do..but never lasting.
Usually discarded.. no real explanaton..just an excuse..or excuses.
Never anything that makes sense to me.
I usually see through the bs..or see that it is just an excuse with no real basis.
Which is why I am alone.. with persons that love me completely. .but cannot .
And those that 'think' they love me completely..but have no idea.

That whole settling thing.

I have had worse relationships.
If I settled at least I would be getting laid..
I have lived with worse situations..
For 20 yrs.

I cannot do that to me.

Damn.

It would end badly..and I have seen what can be done to an ex..or exes.

Not for me.

I am not that guy.

But that means.. it is all on you.
Never a player..never the guy.
Always lonely. And alone.

Alone.

.

Too many years of actually being alone.
The one thing i never wanted .
The situation I have fought since I was 18.
I always end up there.

Alone

Welcome to my reality.

I know I suck
I know I am not what anyone wants.
I know I am not enough to allow anyone to be happy.
I am not 'the guy'
Never have been.
I have been the 'excuse' the 'escape' the right now... but never the one. Which is what I have been searching for..for almost 40 years.
Really! I have always been looking for my mate.

And here I am.

Me.

R 2/4/2017

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