Just another long weekend..yes..it is only two days.

Only long because there is nothing happening.
I am out by myself. As always.
And not .
Almost went..somewhere. . Decided to be alone in a crowd.
Beer over vodka.
Cheaper in the long run. Just as isolated.

I am not sure why or where..but I am here.

I have been told.
Suggestions have been made.. thanks.
But..I am in that place.
Total indecision. No plan. No hope for a plan.
Just going from one day to the next.
Searching. But not finding.
I am really feeling more confused than normal.
What ever normal is.
I am feeling kinda stuck.
Back to that floundering feeling.
I have no 'goal'. Nothing to fix or strive for.
No focal point.
Just drifting..going through the motions.
This day.. the next day. Tomorrow.

I want to do more. I just can't decide what to do next.

I have lost paid time off because I can't plan something... anything..to do.

I feel like obligations have required suggestions.
Not my Intention.
Never.

I am just doing what a 'brother' should.
No agenda.
Anything that was different. Is not involved.

All aside.

I help cause I can.
Because I feel I should.
Not for me..
Well.. not really.
I see karma is there..making it possible.
It truly makes me feel better.

Money is just that. Money.
If we are lucky we will make more.
We won't take it for granted .. we will make more.
If we can share what we 'earn'
We are richer for it.

It does come back to us.
Thank you.

I think I have said this before..
I need to find a place..a goal .
Somewhere to be.
With or without.. just a place to be ..a home for me.
I have made so many errors In my life.
I have ended up here.. where I am.
Most of the time ..feeling so alone.
Living a pointless existance.
Going through the motions..day to day.
Hoping something will appear to make a change.

I have probably had many opportunities. .but either did not realize or didn't believe it. And let it slip away.

As always.

Now here I am.
Just me.
With absolutely nothing.

I feel that pain.
Do not misunderstand.
I know I am one that has made a difference. I have my successes..and failures.
I am not homeless .. not really broke..
Debt I have... who don't. .but I can..and have managed it.

I just do not have what I need to feel whole.
Those things that make me happy to be alive now.
Those things I do not have to worry about..
Those that are just out of reach.

As I have learned in my time on this planet..

You cannot do this on your own.
We were designed to find and have a mate.
Without it. We are always searching.
Sometimes we realize that some times we dont.
Mostly we don't care.
We feel the empty and we try to fill it.
I have always struggled with that.

I just had a thought..
I guess no one knew that.
Never realized I was in the same place.
Those few gorgeous women I knew..
Figured I knew.. well I didn't.
When you..let me go..you were dropping me In the pit with everyone else.
I had stepped out of 'me' took that chance.. and somehow...scored..
That score hurt me.. in the end..burned my self esteem.
Made me remember what a troll I really was.
It just fed the demon.. the one that had been eating my ego for my entire life.
I of course recoverd... however momentary..
Just to repeat it over and over...

You know ..for being the Intelligent guy that I am.. I am really not so smart... getting worse every year.

Back when I had 'potential'.. I was unused..unwanted. . Useless.

Yes..most of this was for someone that would never know this.
And will not read it.
But was an Important part of my life.
Long forgot. But I guess still in my mind.
Nothing will erase it.
It is why I am me..

The me you know now.

Thanks. And THANKS!

I realize...you have no idea what you did to me...or anyone before or after.

I forgave you long ago..
Yes..I still love the you I know.
I always will.
Done and said.

Although this does not help the now me..
It makes a difference..

It can explain 'me'
How I got to the current me.

blah..blah.

R 2/11/17

posted from Bloggeroid