Sunday went as planned. Got a few things accomplished.
No errors for anyone to complain about.
I offered for my assistant to take Wednesday off. He accepted.
We also get another personal day to use or lose I. The next 3 wks.
He will take his Monday.
Me.. probably not get to it either.
I have to meet a corporate boss tomorrow. I had a phone meeting with my new corporate finance manager. We had a conference call with corporate about capital budgets. We had the managers meeting with the new regional manager. Plus we worked in the studio on the cameras and on the new computer graphics servers.
So a fairly busy day.
My good friend's daughter was in an accident yesterday. She is ok but her car is damaged. Usually most people are still in shock after an accident .. adrenaline is pumping.. they don't know if they are injured or how bad. It takes a day or so.. then they hurt and may or may not get checked out.. I know..a person should. That way you get to it before it becomes a future problem.
Best to be careful.
Thanks Karma.
I have had a few plusses in the past 2 weeks.
Monetary gains I was not expecting.
Paying it forward.
And today..another in the mail. Return of an overpayment.
Last week. A return of a medical payment..
Im not sure if that was a mistake or not.
I do have to juggle paychecks next month. So I will have to prepare for it. Work will be changing payroll systems. I will get a 1week paycheck and 2 weeks later a 3 week paycheck.
Then back to normal. I have 1 automatic payment to plan. The rest should be ok.
Then of course by then my tax return should be in.
Maybe time to buy a car for my kid...or me.. pass Pearl to her.
May be a good time to start building my engine.
Decisions.
Meanwhile my brain is mush.
My love life is on vacation.
And I think I'm getting sick.
Yes. Feeling lonely again. I was good for a few days. But poor sleep, bad dreams, and long days with empty evenings, begin to catch up.
I'm not depressed. . Actually.. just aware.
I had one of those..get into bed early nights..toss and turn till 3:30.. sort of sleep till 5:30..up watch tv and fall asleep til 7:15..jump up and go to work, Nights.. so, I decide to go have a couple free beers.. and try to be fresh tomorrow. .for my meeting with the corporate boss. Lol..
The weird dreams..I haven't dreamed so much in years. .. just strange..not about anyone specific..just odd.
It must be the stress coupled with no outlet at all.
No one to talk with no one who gets my weirdness. Or understands my issues. No real human contact, mental or physical.
It tears at a persons psyche.
Yes..I know how to continue with out showing my weakness. But I still hurt deep down. Still empty. Aimless. Just going to the next day. Trying to reap whatever personal satisfaction I can from the most meaningless things.
Such has been my life.
For far too long.
I am really just hopeless.
I have said it so long..
Lost.
No real reasons.
Even my attempts at parenting..after all these years..have .. not failed..just not mattering anymore.
Slipping away.
Those things I held on to as an anchor..have turned.
For years I could fall back on the academic successes of my child.
When she lost interest..it meant I failed. I was unable to help her succeed. So now..with no help.it is on me.
I am crushed. Because she is crushed.
I cannot find the words or the suggestions to help.
We are drifting ..not apart..just not close anymore..
I put so much into the few relationships I have.. I refuse to let them go..even when they are beyond hope.
I have so few close friends. Losing one..or the appearance of losing a close contact, burns so bad. I panic. I grasp at things I should remember to stay away from... just to regret and be burned hard.
Yet, I have a few real friends..the ones that know me..or have learned to understand the me I don't share. Those are the ones I can't live without. Some know it..some dont. The ones that do..know it. The others.. won't. I get that.
So..here I am in my little circles.. (Laura..I tried to explain this to you years ago) some intersect some are within eachother some are all alone. I realize that over the past years.. there are more lonely circles than those that intersect. Shared friends have disappeared.
The shear number of friends have been limited.. but now have diminished.
I am an island.
In uncharted waters.. all alone in a vast sea.
Not a place that is searched for, but I have buried treasures.
Most will not seek out the maps. Those that happen across the beach..may never see the prize that lies beneath the surface. .
Or even know how to dig...or dig deep enough to find, before giving up. Some have touched the surface of the chest..and stopped.
Reluctant to open it and find the real prize.
Some have just laid out a towel on the beach..on top of the treasure..and tanned their beautiful souls..never knowing the treasure they lay on.
As I said many times. I won't be known to those that won't look for me. What ever prevents you from seeing me..I cannot influence. I cant change. It just is not in my power. I can not change someones pre-made decisions.
I rarely am one to be hated. Just not me. If someone finds a way..or a reason. I cannot fix that. It isn't my doing.
I know this. I have avoided this my entire existance..
I forgive easily. .forget as needed.
But on my behalf. I cant make someone change their perception of me.
It kinda hurts to know, someone can dislike me..for any reason.
I have always tried so hard to be likeable..
But it does happen. .mostly for reasons out of my control.
Nothing I can do..just keep being me. Someday hope to be appreciated and allowed ..
It is a struggle. One that I think prevents real happiness..
For me and another.
I am truly. .in the wrong place..in the wrong decade.
I lost 20 years.. and will never be able to go back.
To make that time matter. I am here now because if that times lessons. I won't get them back but I know what I did and didn't do.
I have no real regrets..just I could be in a different place.
If I had just done that one or those few things.
But I am here..now..
Please take me as I am.
I will take you as you are..
Not as you present yourself..but the real you.
The real you knows the real me.
We need to get them together again..
They met once. It was fantastic chemistry. .
Deny it...I dare you.
Think about your happiness.
I know you dont..
Except secretly..
It isn't a secret you want to keep.
Stop!
Stop holding me at arms length. .
I look much better close up..
Internally and externally.
You know this like I do.
I know why you push me away.
It is no secret.
It is obvious to everyone but you.
Think.
I have. That is what hurts.
To know the pain would be managed better with help.
Never forgotten..just tolerable.
Less catastrophic. . Liveable.
Some thing a person can survive.
With help.
There are too many people that feel alone on this planet.
If you have the choice to be alone or not..what do you choose??
If you can choose between waking up happy or sad..could you?
Alone or not.?.
If these things were a choice. . Why chose the pain? Lonelyness?
Seperation?
Sometimes you are making the choice..without knowing. .someone is making tbe choice for you..sometimes it is just you. Punishing yourself. Sometimes it is what you percieve you should do In your situation. As punishment? Obligation? Respect? Or your perception of what you think yoh should be doing.
Figure out what makes you happy.
You matter.
Your happyness matters.
Anyone else will realize if you are happy. .you will function much better than if you are not. Thus..one less concern..one less one that matters.. that prevents you from being the real you.. that keeps you from helping someone else..even those you love..if you can't love the you that is here..now..how can you help anyone sufficiently..if you are stressed.
It helps us all.
To realize.
Now.
R2/8/17
No errors for anyone to complain about.
I offered for my assistant to take Wednesday off. He accepted.
We also get another personal day to use or lose I. The next 3 wks.
He will take his Monday.
Me.. probably not get to it either.
I have to meet a corporate boss tomorrow. I had a phone meeting with my new corporate finance manager. We had a conference call with corporate about capital budgets. We had the managers meeting with the new regional manager. Plus we worked in the studio on the cameras and on the new computer graphics servers.
So a fairly busy day.
My good friend's daughter was in an accident yesterday. She is ok but her car is damaged. Usually most people are still in shock after an accident .. adrenaline is pumping.. they don't know if they are injured or how bad. It takes a day or so.. then they hurt and may or may not get checked out.. I know..a person should. That way you get to it before it becomes a future problem.
Best to be careful.
Thanks Karma.
I have had a few plusses in the past 2 weeks.
Monetary gains I was not expecting.
Paying it forward.
And today..another in the mail. Return of an overpayment.
Last week. A return of a medical payment..
Im not sure if that was a mistake or not.
I do have to juggle paychecks next month. So I will have to prepare for it. Work will be changing payroll systems. I will get a 1week paycheck and 2 weeks later a 3 week paycheck.
Then back to normal. I have 1 automatic payment to plan. The rest should be ok.
Then of course by then my tax return should be in.
Maybe time to buy a car for my kid...or me.. pass Pearl to her.
May be a good time to start building my engine.
Decisions.
Meanwhile my brain is mush.
My love life is on vacation.
And I think I'm getting sick.
Yes. Feeling lonely again. I was good for a few days. But poor sleep, bad dreams, and long days with empty evenings, begin to catch up.
I'm not depressed. . Actually.. just aware.
I had one of those..get into bed early nights..toss and turn till 3:30.. sort of sleep till 5:30..up watch tv and fall asleep til 7:15..jump up and go to work, Nights.. so, I decide to go have a couple free beers.. and try to be fresh tomorrow. .for my meeting with the corporate boss. Lol..
The weird dreams..I haven't dreamed so much in years. .. just strange..not about anyone specific..just odd.
It must be the stress coupled with no outlet at all.
No one to talk with no one who gets my weirdness. Or understands my issues. No real human contact, mental or physical.
It tears at a persons psyche.
Yes..I know how to continue with out showing my weakness. But I still hurt deep down. Still empty. Aimless. Just going to the next day. Trying to reap whatever personal satisfaction I can from the most meaningless things.
Such has been my life.
For far too long.
I am really just hopeless.
I have said it so long..
Lost.
No real reasons.
Even my attempts at parenting..after all these years..have .. not failed..just not mattering anymore.
Slipping away.
Those things I held on to as an anchor..have turned.
For years I could fall back on the academic successes of my child.
When she lost interest..it meant I failed. I was unable to help her succeed. So now..with no help.it is on me.
I am crushed. Because she is crushed.
I cannot find the words or the suggestions to help.
We are drifting ..not apart..just not close anymore..
I put so much into the few relationships I have.. I refuse to let them go..even when they are beyond hope.
I have so few close friends. Losing one..or the appearance of losing a close contact, burns so bad. I panic. I grasp at things I should remember to stay away from... just to regret and be burned hard.
Yet, I have a few real friends..the ones that know me..or have learned to understand the me I don't share. Those are the ones I can't live without. Some know it..some dont. The ones that do..know it. The others.. won't. I get that.
So..here I am in my little circles.. (Laura..I tried to explain this to you years ago) some intersect some are within eachother some are all alone. I realize that over the past years.. there are more lonely circles than those that intersect. Shared friends have disappeared.
The shear number of friends have been limited.. but now have diminished.
I am an island.
In uncharted waters.. all alone in a vast sea.
Not a place that is searched for, but I have buried treasures.
Most will not seek out the maps. Those that happen across the beach..may never see the prize that lies beneath the surface. .
Or even know how to dig...or dig deep enough to find, before giving up. Some have touched the surface of the chest..and stopped.
Reluctant to open it and find the real prize.
Some have just laid out a towel on the beach..on top of the treasure..and tanned their beautiful souls..never knowing the treasure they lay on.
As I said many times. I won't be known to those that won't look for me. What ever prevents you from seeing me..I cannot influence. I cant change. It just is not in my power. I can not change someones pre-made decisions.
I rarely am one to be hated. Just not me. If someone finds a way..or a reason. I cannot fix that. It isn't my doing.
I know this. I have avoided this my entire existance..
I forgive easily. .forget as needed.
But on my behalf. I cant make someone change their perception of me.
It kinda hurts to know, someone can dislike me..for any reason.
I have always tried so hard to be likeable..
But it does happen. .mostly for reasons out of my control.
Nothing I can do..just keep being me. Someday hope to be appreciated and allowed ..
It is a struggle. One that I think prevents real happiness..
For me and another.
I am truly. .in the wrong place..in the wrong decade.
I lost 20 years.. and will never be able to go back.
To make that time matter. I am here now because if that times lessons. I won't get them back but I know what I did and didn't do.
I have no real regrets..just I could be in a different place.
If I had just done that one or those few things.
But I am here..now..
Please take me as I am.
I will take you as you are..
Not as you present yourself..but the real you.
The real you knows the real me.
We need to get them together again..
They met once. It was fantastic chemistry. .
Deny it...I dare you.
Think about your happiness.
I know you dont..
Except secretly..
It isn't a secret you want to keep.
Stop!
Stop holding me at arms length. .
I look much better close up..
Internally and externally.
You know this like I do.
I know why you push me away.
It is no secret.
It is obvious to everyone but you.
Think.
I have. That is what hurts.
To know the pain would be managed better with help.
Never forgotten..just tolerable.
Less catastrophic. . Liveable.
Some thing a person can survive.
With help.
There are too many people that feel alone on this planet.
If you have the choice to be alone or not..what do you choose??
If you can choose between waking up happy or sad..could you?
Alone or not.?.
If these things were a choice. . Why chose the pain? Lonelyness?
Seperation?
Sometimes you are making the choice..without knowing. .someone is making tbe choice for you..sometimes it is just you. Punishing yourself. Sometimes it is what you percieve you should do In your situation. As punishment? Obligation? Respect? Or your perception of what you think yoh should be doing.
Figure out what makes you happy.
You matter.
Your happyness matters.
Anyone else will realize if you are happy. .you will function much better than if you are not. Thus..one less concern..one less one that matters.. that prevents you from being the real you.. that keeps you from helping someone else..even those you love..if you can't love the you that is here..now..how can you help anyone sufficiently..if you are stressed.
It helps us all.
To realize.
Now.
R2/8/17
posted from Bloggeroid
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