This month.

Here we are screaming toward the new month.
Wheels are turning things and tasks need to be done.
I never got to use that time off. My fault.
I keep trying to find a place..I realized this week was probably the one I should have taken. My direct boss is out of town. My assistant has plenty to do with out me asking.
Most of the things I have been doing could have waited a week.
No..I put it off. So here I am.
I have been sleeping light and short. Getting up too early..so going in early..staying late.. eating late.. going to bed late..well mostly going to bed earlier than usual..but unable to sleep.
And do it all again.
Regular work induced stresses.
No outlet. No consoling voice..except in my head..and it tends to drone on..
The weather has been nice..warm for February. But if you are working from 7 to 7.. you kinda miss out.

So far..this year is not improving on last year.
Pretty dull.
Yes..I mean me.
Yes. I could do something..anything.. about it.
I am stuck in indecision.
Do I go for it..or hold off. Till I cannot stand it any longer .. and then it will be great?
One can hope.

I should go car shopping. Buy myself a cool convertable..and blame it on being single.
Or I can be responsible.. pay off some bills..and be doing what I always do.. work..eat..sleep.. for the next 6 months.

Snore..

I know why I am here in this place in this time..
It is self inflicted.
My insecurities and doubts have always left me here.
Yes..every now and then I get really lucky and find a compatible soul..one looking, the same as I .. and happiness pervails until something changes.
And here I am again.. just me.
So I go back to ..maintaining.
Honestly..it isn't lonely.. you have all your past ghosts to keep you company.

I am only as good as that last un-approving scowl..
Not from you..or me..but that other, that does not realize what a connection you have.

Yes, it is 2017.. another year of 'it's all about me' .
Those of us that are not of this young and beautiful generation..
We by nature..put ourselves last..
But those we care so deeply for.. expect us to put them over our
Own happiness.
I know ..for years, we did all we could. .no matter how hard, to be the one parent that did what we thought we should, weather we got credit for it..or passed it to another.
Now.. here we are..still deferring to the one that isn't here.
Are we happy?
Is the one that means more than anything..happy?
Not because of our misery..
And yes.. they expect us to keep them happy..
Nevermind yourself..

No as a good parent..we forget about the 'me' and keep doing for our young adults. Nevermind our happiness.
By now..we have lost so many that meant so much to us ..individually. .we shudder at the thought of losing our entire reason for being on this planet. We would still give our life for our offspring.
We put ourselves and our happiness on the backburner of life..
Still stealing time to find a minutes happiness. And feeling guilty for it. .
I need to realize.. they are not teens anymore. I have put my whole life on hold to get them to this point. They will not bring my worst fear to life.. they won't hate me for always being there..for giving my wisdom to them..for never giving up. I need to realize..that I have built that history..long or short.. it is time for them to let me be ..me.
And for them to live by the guide I gave them.
No...I don't want them to go away..I want them to grow. Learn To fly.
I cannot do it for them.
So.. I need to realize it..live it. Live my life.
Let them live ..
Be there..but not let it consume my entire existance.

I have earned a life of happiness..completeness... a real reason to smile.
I need to find it. Keep it.

R 2/22/17

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