I think I already used this title.. Damage..

Ok similar topic..it just came to mind.

Why are we so damaged?
I have a few close friends..and some I barely know..and a few I would like to know better.
But..I am now seeing the 'damage'.. not done by me..but still there..still a barrier..
Yes..I have said before..it only takes one..to ruin a good person.
Seen it over and over. Many never get past it..
Some repeat it over and over..
Still damaged.
Most will not allow someone in that could repair the damage..
They cannot trust again. .
Some will only allow the same in..because now they know what it does..and what to expect..
They cannot handle someone different. .who would fix it..
Very few do realize.. but unfortunately for me..realize not everyone is like the 'one' that caused the damage..and they quickly move on to find the next to see if it is true...
Leaving me far behind.

Yes..it is something I have experienced .. a few times..

I know right now 5..
One I have no interest or chance..
One has warned me..and now is showing it..
Slowly back away..
Two others are not aware of the reason for the damage..and just keep pulling and pushing..
One...is oblivious..and thinks it's my fault..that I am staying away..

So..with all the damage..
I am alone.
I could force my way in.. it will end badly.
So.. do I give up?
Do I find one that is more tolerable than what I really want.
Or just back away and stay alone.

It has been years.. and I have no new options.
I just think I need to give up.

I had a damaged friend a few years ago..
He decided just to be carefree.. work..pay bills and make more..no time for any relationships..just be and move on to the next fun time.
No need to answer to anyone..just plan and go.
Buy the sportscar..go on trips.. see the world.
Spend your money on you. Make the alone time count.
Find the right now. Forget that elusive future.. if someone wants in..let them. Enjoy it and when they are done..good bye.

I need to examine that damage.. figure it out.. make it work for me.

Still lonely..just usually not alone.

Yes..I am damaged too.
I know it.
In my case it wasnt just one..it was all.

Each one..

Im just carving pieces of my heart out .. giving it away to the deserving..
Just another piece for or the next..

Yes..it hurts.. the sharp knife. No anesthetic. . Just slice and here you go.
Do what you will with it..
Many have stomped on it to see it bleed.
Some have tried to give it back. .
But it don't fit anymore.

It no longer belongs to me.
It's yours.. deal with that!

I am proof that you can have it all and be 'Damaged'

No..not in the way others are..but there still is not much hope.

Last year..I think I gave up.
I still secretly hope... I can figure this out..
But it is not changing.

I did have hope..
It faded away.
Each day I look in the mirror. .
I see that old guy that used to be me..

No one wants that anymore than..that young guy I used to be.

In my present position.. I am not given any new options.
The ones I have don't want me.
Less and less everyday.

If i am given new options.. I am missing it.
Very familliar.. no one is hitting me over the head..
So..
I am here.. damaged too.
Probably. .someone is assessing me that way..right now.

I really do not know.

I really never did.

I think..I need to change it.

I need to figure out how.

R 2/28/17


Goodbye Feb

posted from Bloggeroid

Survival

When it comes right down to it..
Survival is what we need.
We should do everything we can to continue.
Being selfish for a minute..
I think we do so much for everyone else for so long ..we forget...
We need too. We want .. we have requirements. We never ..acknowledge to ourselves that we have earned something that makes us smile. Not to deny it.
Yes..we have learned not to be selfish..and we practice that..
But in reality..it isn't selfish to allow something for us.
It is an earned right.
Something we have paid into..and need to remember to cash in on..
It is deserved.
We do so much for those we care for..not out of obligation..but it is who we are. We are responsible.. we take ownership of our life.
The choices we made. Either selected or forced. We didn't run ..
We did what was required. With little or no help.. we did. We continue to do.. much to our current situation..
We are here..in this place because we cant walk away from this.
It would isn't who we are.
Unfortunately it makes us forget 'the me' that ocasionally requires attention.
Which in the long run.. leaves us alone..lonely.. and lost. Guilty..for entertaining the thought of doing something for 'me'..
With no thought of how deserving we are.. or how much it is needed.
Really required for our sanity.

Not that anyone cares about our personal sanity...
Most Times we don't even think about it.
Sometimes we really need to.
We need to nurture that thing that makes us smile.. enable it. Make it a part of our being..
Something to keep us warm at night while we are sleeping..that mental feeling of being hugged, so we can keep on keeping on.
The physical may not be there..because we keep it at arms length..
But a mental connection.. can be fulfilling. Until we let it back in.

If we don't make a place..for us.. we lose track of where we should be.. no one will do that for us.. unless we let them.. we have to be resposible for our happiness..our sanity..
Who else will?
So..to continue..we need to find what we need to survive.
Forget the judgement of others.. even the ones that care..or we care for..
To survive..we need to find what we need.. need to continue.. to keep getting up each day and keep going forward. If we don't we can't help anyone. .let alone ourselves.
We must do for us ..to survive.
Without that..we can not help anyone else.

R 2/24/17

posted from Bloggeroid

This month.

Here we are screaming toward the new month.
Wheels are turning things and tasks need to be done.
I never got to use that time off. My fault.
I keep trying to find a place..I realized this week was probably the one I should have taken. My direct boss is out of town. My assistant has plenty to do with out me asking.
Most of the things I have been doing could have waited a week.
No..I put it off. So here I am.
I have been sleeping light and short. Getting up too early..so going in early..staying late.. eating late.. going to bed late..well mostly going to bed earlier than usual..but unable to sleep.
And do it all again.
Regular work induced stresses.
No outlet. No consoling voice..except in my head..and it tends to drone on..
The weather has been nice..warm for February. But if you are working from 7 to 7.. you kinda miss out.

So far..this year is not improving on last year.
Pretty dull.
Yes..I mean me.
Yes. I could do something..anything.. about it.
I am stuck in indecision.
Do I go for it..or hold off. Till I cannot stand it any longer .. and then it will be great?
One can hope.

I should go car shopping. Buy myself a cool convertable..and blame it on being single.
Or I can be responsible.. pay off some bills..and be doing what I always do.. work..eat..sleep.. for the next 6 months.

Snore..

I know why I am here in this place in this time..
It is self inflicted.
My insecurities and doubts have always left me here.
Yes..every now and then I get really lucky and find a compatible soul..one looking, the same as I .. and happiness pervails until something changes.
And here I am again.. just me.
So I go back to ..maintaining.
Honestly..it isn't lonely.. you have all your past ghosts to keep you company.

I am only as good as that last un-approving scowl..
Not from you..or me..but that other, that does not realize what a connection you have.

Yes, it is 2017.. another year of 'it's all about me' .
Those of us that are not of this young and beautiful generation..
We by nature..put ourselves last..
But those we care so deeply for.. expect us to put them over our
Own happiness.
I know ..for years, we did all we could. .no matter how hard, to be the one parent that did what we thought we should, weather we got credit for it..or passed it to another.
Now.. here we are..still deferring to the one that isn't here.
Are we happy?
Is the one that means more than anything..happy?
Not because of our misery..
And yes.. they expect us to keep them happy..
Nevermind yourself..

No as a good parent..we forget about the 'me' and keep doing for our young adults. Nevermind our happiness.
By now..we have lost so many that meant so much to us ..individually. .we shudder at the thought of losing our entire reason for being on this planet. We would still give our life for our offspring.
We put ourselves and our happiness on the backburner of life..
Still stealing time to find a minutes happiness. And feeling guilty for it. .
I need to realize.. they are not teens anymore. I have put my whole life on hold to get them to this point. They will not bring my worst fear to life.. they won't hate me for always being there..for giving my wisdom to them..for never giving up. I need to realize..that I have built that history..long or short.. it is time for them to let me be ..me.
And for them to live by the guide I gave them.
No...I don't want them to go away..I want them to grow. Learn To fly.
I cannot do it for them.
So.. I need to realize it..live it. Live my life.
Let them live ..
Be there..but not let it consume my entire existance.

I have earned a life of happiness..completeness... a real reason to smile.
I need to find it. Keep it.

R 2/22/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Where am I?

I have absolut-ly no idea.
Not right this minute... I mean here..In this moment...this place I find my thoughts.. I am more than lost or directionless..I have been clinging to a memory..a place I went and felt like me.
It was so far from where I have been living.
I have constant reminders of the fact that I am on my own.
No one is pulling me from the edge..no one is calling me back from the precipice. . Or even asking for me.
I feel forgotten..a memory that is dim..when remembered..not at the intense level I made sure would not be forgotten..
Fail
I guess it was not enough..
As always..I am never ..enough..

I know I should be used to it.. history will always repeat.

Einstein said..doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is madness..
But, I have. I guess I am mad.

By this time if you have not figured out how to approach it differently..you are doomed to repeat it..mistakes included.

Yet..it hurts the same. Every part.
You just are not good enough.
You really don't deserve it.
Never will. So here you are.. with no idea why. .. nevermind..
It is what it is. What it has been. Since before I knew it.

So .. I have no idea where I am..how I got here..how to leave. Where to go next..
That is why.. I am just doing the same..
Looking for something or someone to find me..and lead me out.

My sense of direction..my map reading skills..my intuition.. my spatial awareness. .is of no help.. none at all.

I am so displaced on so many levels..I doubt what I know for certain..which was never ever me.. I could debate what I knew with the best..prove my point..prove me..and walk away proud.
I don't know how anymore.
My little confidence is gone. Worn away by someone that took the challenge..and whittled away at it for 20 years..
I walked away..very much broken.. but took solace in the fact that it wasn't because of me.. but now realize.. it helped destroy what was left. Only very few could reach 'the me' that I was. The only part of me that people undertood. That hidden me..the one that you must get to know..the one you 'find'.
I have it in me.. that 'thing' that makes you smile..makes you happy when you realize you are special to someone. . I can help you see that. I have done it! You can't deny it.
If you don't know.. doing that.. makes me burst with happiness. Makes me feel there is a reason to be on this planet.
Purpose.
Other than not knowing where I am..why I am here now..

Thank you..
Those that let me help.
It gives me meaning.

Give me a place to be.

R 2/21/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Looking for an acronym.

Just isn't coming to mind.
Thoughts bouncing around in my head.
Lots to ponder.
Been looking at travel options.
Not having any sucess.
No decisions.

No plans. None that work.

I should order some car parts.
Start working on that project.
Have a reason to go home and work till the wee hours.
It will keep me busy and out of trouble.
It has been too long.

I just cannot figure out what I am supposed to be doing.
I thought I knew..
Really..
I just seemed to have lost my place.
Direction.. motivation.
I can continue to work as I have.
Live as if alone for another year.
I am good at it.
Or getting good at it.

Yes, I am lonely. I have no idea where I should be or who I can find to be with. I have burned some of those bridges and the rest are not safe to cross.

I am not sure if I caused them to be that way...or if it was outside influences. It seems not to matter at all.
It is what it is.

I am where I am.

Time to move.. in some direction.

R 2/19/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Next day.

Well. I got up when the first alarm went off. Got out of bed.. went downstairs. .came back up. Turned on the tv..got back into bed.
Passed out till my phone rang with the call from the HVAC company confirming today's appointment. Jumped up got dressed and off to work. Just on time.
The HVAC guy didnt show til 10.

I did get a nice text. Made me feel good to know I could share with a friend. Make their day..let them smile.
It was probably better that it happened after Valentine's day.
I wanted to make sure they did not forget.
You know..that someone cares. That they are never forgotten.
It brought a smile to my face. To know it mattered.
Which for both was what I wanted.

I will make it through tomorrow.
Pay some bills. Then probably stay home.
No plans.
We are having a warm spell..60+ in February. .
I should plan to do something outside.
Or just sleep.

You know. I am just where I have been.
The entire year gone. Nothing new. Nothing old.
Just working. I lost 2 weeks paid vacation. I have already lost 1 personal day. I have the money..but don't have the time.
I'm not having a good time.. just working. I have no one to come home to..no one to look forward to go out with..or meet.
Just work. Home. Alone. Yes..my young adult is home..but rarely interact. So just living alone. Being alone.
Yep. Story of me.
I really need to rethink this place I am in.
Its expensive and lonely..

Well it is not happening today..or right now.

I have looked through the last few posts..and it is how I have been..
As always.. all work..all that beat down soul. The perpetual lonely guy.. ( thanks Steve Martin). No I am not opening the window..or spending time on a bridge.. but I totally relate.
I was supposed to be established by this time.
Joke is on me.
I have no security.. no direction. No life outside of work.
I totally understand the lonely drunk guy..in the bar every night because he could not stand being home alone. It is better to be out among strangers alone than home.
Yes I have things to accomplish tomorrow. . I will get them done.
I am just empty.
The satisfaction I get from work..and other personal triumphs. .should not be all I have.
For so long it is all I have.
Yes, I have had a bright spot..a year of communication. .and sharing. No stress and much happiness.
I am thankful for that memory. For the ability to help and be helped.
I really cherish that time. It gave me time to really be me. Open up to someone who had the ability to hear.. and listen. A complete circle.

So here I am.
Sitting next to me.
Pondering many scenarios.. those that have been running through my head..those I have mentioned, those I have kept to me.
I am just here. I have no plan of action.
Many things are preventing the creation of a plan. Life..weather..responsibility. .dedication..
Indecision. And maybe just a little regret.

Mostly indecision. I just do not know where I fit.
Or what should be next.

I make too much money, to be this broke..and this lonely.
Somewhere I dug this whole. And here I am.

Moving far away from this place that was supposed to be home is what I need. I just cannot do it out of fear.. i am not young and talented.. any more.. im old.. grey.. and here.
I can perform to completion... if someone lets me.
But..no one will let me.
I do have skills. I can make things work.
It is what I do. What I know.
Figure it out..get it done.
Everyone is happy again.

What happened?

R 2/16/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Anniversaries, air conditioning, & beer.

Yesterday was my work anniversary.
14 years.
A few on LinkedIn noticed. I didnt even notice.
I've come a ways since 2003.

I got home on time..cooked..ate.. watched a lil tv. Decided to go have a beer.
As usual I opened my phone to post to this blog..and noticed I had 118 emails that it was too hot for the equipment at work.
I called..no one answered. I called another number..no answer..I called a third.. got someone.. they said they could not find anyone..
I paid for my half beer and drove in to work.
I did the regular things..fans opend doors.. and climbed up to the roof. Climbed down.. got tools and equipment.. took the ac apart. Brushed out the dirt.. blew out with a compressor.. for about an hour. Cycled the main power.. opened some vents.. buttoned it all up. The temperature stabilized. I called service and scheduled a call for the morning.

And I went into work early..this morning..again.
Woke with a start... jumped up..got in the shower... and still was an hour early.. later I took an abbreviated lunch..and was back to work.

So it has been another long day.
It is(was) only Wednesday.

I have been looking at planes..
Nothing is falling into place.

Nothing is whispering. . Hey..do this ..
I am so conflicted.
I really hate not having some kind of plan.

I am very spontaneous. .or I can be. But if it just me..my plans.. I need to schedule.
I am capable of drop everything. Lets go..
But I have not had many opportunities.
Something like that needs a partner..

I don't ..

I just can not figure where I should be.
Yeah..im old and grey..and alone.
I have not traveled out side the country..
I need a reason. Alone would suck.
It would be something to share.

I guess I took a wrong turn years ago..
You just can not go back..

Yeah..I know ..im kinda disjointed tonight...
No real focus.
Middle of a long week.

I will sleep soon..and start another day.
I probably won't remember posting this.

I do know..I go home to an empty bed.
And have to get up early and do it all again.

Here is to tomorrow.

R 2/16/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Deep in the thick of it...

Hey! Welcome to the middle of February.
I as always have decisions to make.
Tasks to accomplish. Plans to make ..or at least think about ..
Just stay busy..you wont notice all the screaming in your head.
Yes, the screaming is me.
Frustrations. Indecision. Failures. Just being lost.
No direction.. nothing to strive for..no real purpose.
No one to allow me to be the real me.
I am going through the motions, trying not to look unhappy.
Really trying to find some satisfaction doing my day to day.

I really do not have anyone to do for. Other than trying to push my young adult.. it is just me. She does not resist. Just don't seem to appreciate it.
I just don't have it in me to..not provide. It is my job..it has been my job for so long..I have to..until I am told not to continue.
In the current state of things..not gonna happen.
I think she has given up..without even starting.
Mostly my fault.
Really hard to undo.I have no help.
I have thought of some ways to make changes..
But I know if she had to do for just her..she would.
She has..she knows how and will.
It all comes back to me..still doing everything.
She lets me.
I need to just go somewhere. .and leave her to her own.

She will survive. I will be better for it.

In all..I should be looking for the next MRS. Not pampering someone that should be doing for themself.

Yes.. I said 'the next MRS'
I have been doing this alone thing too long.
I knew long ago .. I am not a loner. I need someone..not a hoard of people..one.. one that needs me..one that appreciates being appreciated by me.
Someone I am as happy to see as they are happy to see me
Someone that connects with me on many levels.

There are many labels for this type of person..

But in reality..just one feeling.. complete.

Sometimes we are lucky to feel that way.

It can be permanent. .it can be fleeting..
It can be one sided..
When it all comes together. . It feels amazing.

So..here I am deep in the thick of not much..
Not where I should be.
Just where I am.

Join me..
We can make something great.

R2/15/16

posted from Bloggeroid

Just a quick note.

I was gonna repost a thing I posted a few years ago.
But I could not find it.

But.. here we are again.
That day.
Go figure.. I am still here, where I was.
Same old..same old.

I posted an explanation of my position.
I know I have known a few wonderful people.
We all have moved into different circles.
Some keep intouch most dont.
Such is life.
No real regrets.
In this season of love and attachment.
I am, as always.. un-attached.
Just like every..almost.. summer.
Just me.
Never by design. It just ends up that way.
Yes.. the 20 yrs.. I was not.. but it felt that way..for the now known reasons...

I had said..

To all those that let me love you..
Thank you.
Those that discarded me..
It's your loss.
And of course mine too.
I am not blind..I see it..and wish I was enough.. but I am not.
Never was or will be.

I have forgiven those that have made me feel they have done me wrong. Even though I am grateful for their attention and love.
For giving me a chance to be me.
There are few that rejected the 'me'. But .. I always think they taught me something they will never know.

I have forgiven those that have hurt me after I gave my all. And it was not enough. I have forgiven the one I put my all for 20 years..just to find it was for nothing.

I loved those that let me.
I hope it was enough. .I hope it was complete.
Time passes..people re-think..
Situations change..

So ... here I am.
Where I am
Still lost..still alone.
Still just me.


I will always love you.. each one.. if I said it before
Once..or many times.. I truly meant it.

There should be no question.

Once apon a time..
I fell in love.

More than once..

Yes..I have been burned many times.
I am such a guy..I will try.. again and again.
Yes it will hurt each time.

But I will go there again.
If I am able.

I am a glutton for punishment.
I repeat.

I have had many current bad dreams.
I know it means some thing.
I just don't want to know.. right now.

I know this wasn't the thing I wanted to post for this day..but
This is what it is.

I must apologize.

Happy day to you all.

I am just alone.

As always.

R
2/14/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Just another long weekend..yes..it is only two days.

Only long because there is nothing happening.
I am out by myself. As always.
And not .
Almost went..somewhere. . Decided to be alone in a crowd.
Beer over vodka.
Cheaper in the long run. Just as isolated.

I am not sure why or where..but I am here.

I have been told.
Suggestions have been made.. thanks.
But..I am in that place.
Total indecision. No plan. No hope for a plan.
Just going from one day to the next.
Searching. But not finding.
I am really feeling more confused than normal.
What ever normal is.
I am feeling kinda stuck.
Back to that floundering feeling.
I have no 'goal'. Nothing to fix or strive for.
No focal point.
Just drifting..going through the motions.
This day.. the next day. Tomorrow.

I want to do more. I just can't decide what to do next.

I have lost paid time off because I can't plan something... anything..to do.

I feel like obligations have required suggestions.
Not my Intention.
Never.

I am just doing what a 'brother' should.
No agenda.
Anything that was different. Is not involved.

All aside.

I help cause I can.
Because I feel I should.
Not for me..
Well.. not really.
I see karma is there..making it possible.
It truly makes me feel better.

Money is just that. Money.
If we are lucky we will make more.
We won't take it for granted .. we will make more.
If we can share what we 'earn'
We are richer for it.

It does come back to us.
Thank you.

I think I have said this before..
I need to find a place..a goal .
Somewhere to be.
With or without.. just a place to be ..a home for me.
I have made so many errors In my life.
I have ended up here.. where I am.
Most of the time ..feeling so alone.
Living a pointless existance.
Going through the motions..day to day.
Hoping something will appear to make a change.

I have probably had many opportunities. .but either did not realize or didn't believe it. And let it slip away.

As always.

Now here I am.
Just me.
With absolutely nothing.

I feel that pain.
Do not misunderstand.
I know I am one that has made a difference. I have my successes..and failures.
I am not homeless .. not really broke..
Debt I have... who don't. .but I can..and have managed it.

I just do not have what I need to feel whole.
Those things that make me happy to be alive now.
Those things I do not have to worry about..
Those that are just out of reach.

As I have learned in my time on this planet..

You cannot do this on your own.
We were designed to find and have a mate.
Without it. We are always searching.
Sometimes we realize that some times we dont.
Mostly we don't care.
We feel the empty and we try to fill it.
I have always struggled with that.

I just had a thought..
I guess no one knew that.
Never realized I was in the same place.
Those few gorgeous women I knew..
Figured I knew.. well I didn't.
When you..let me go..you were dropping me In the pit with everyone else.
I had stepped out of 'me' took that chance.. and somehow...scored..
That score hurt me.. in the end..burned my self esteem.
Made me remember what a troll I really was.
It just fed the demon.. the one that had been eating my ego for my entire life.
I of course recoverd... however momentary..
Just to repeat it over and over...

You know ..for being the Intelligent guy that I am.. I am really not so smart... getting worse every year.

Back when I had 'potential'.. I was unused..unwanted. . Useless.

Yes..most of this was for someone that would never know this.
And will not read it.
But was an Important part of my life.
Long forgot. But I guess still in my mind.
Nothing will erase it.
It is why I am me..

The me you know now.

Thanks. And THANKS!

I realize...you have no idea what you did to me...or anyone before or after.

I forgave you long ago..
Yes..I still love the you I know.
I always will.
Done and said.

Although this does not help the now me..
It makes a difference..

It can explain 'me'
How I got to the current me.

blah..blah.

R 2/11/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Why are we all just.. broken?

Has this been this way forever..over the ages?
Have we all just been paddling against the current.
Hoping to succeed?
Why are so many people I know so lost?
I always thought the teenage angst.. was a passing thing.
Once we found our foothold in life the universe and everything...
We would find peace. Find those that we belonged with.. worked on the rest of the important things in life.
The more people I meet in this life.. the more broken..damaged people I find. Many worse than others.
I used to look for the damaged and 'fix' them..and let them go..
Anyone can be loved. Anyone can allow love in their life.
We just forget. We find that life has handed us rotten lemons..and find we can't make lemonade.. so we trudge on down that path.. figuring that is life.
I have met so many that are stuck here. In this place. Despair.
But no longer despair... resolve. They figure there is no hope..
And resign to it..build walls to keep pain out. Walling them away..from rescue. They think they are setting standards to prevent the wrong ones in ..to save them from further damage. But they end up setting the standard so high..no one will qualify. No one.
Then they voice their dissapointment that no one cares.
Or voice that they are content in their loneliness.
As time goes on..they find a perfect image of what they think they need..and no one will ever rise to. Unrealistic. No one can be that perfect.
Yes..you have been hurt. The scars are there..but so have we all.

When I was young and innocent..I could sway them.. show them what dedication..honesty and friendship could do to re-image their perception.. they would fall.. briefly.. and gain self worth.. rising above..and leaving me behind.. I was the handyman .

It worked for me.. I was generally happy. I could help someone. Be happy and let them go.
In the recent years..I don't want to put all that effort into a catch and release.. the detachment is difficult. I cannot guard my heart.. I had done that for so long. I didn't expect anyone to stay. But you get old. You don't want to end up alone.
But that is where you are.

Now all I see are the older broken ones..the ones that have been burned so many times they have given in.
Anyone close to my age either have a high bar..or none at all.
Or they have resigned themselves to mr right now..and have placed themselves so far from reality that they appear crazy..act it. Or are so self medicated it isnt worth the time. By that I mean..doctor perscribed and personally. It's the excuse.. ' I'm broken' so I need to be drunk or stoned all the time.
Even when they let me in.. they would rather be in an altered state when I am arround..
After a while..I begin to wonder if they 'need' to be altered to be with me.. not good for my ego...
So I move away.
If you dont want to be with me.. I get that.

Yes...I am broken too.
Of course I know I have always been broken.
I deal with it. I do not shut people out.
At least not on purpose..
Yes... I do it. I know I do.
Usually its the second guessing that gets me. The over rationalizing..
I will step back. . And usually lose my place. And when I realize it..just turn and walk away..
Regreting it..probably forever.
Hell, I regret losing even those that were not good for me..
Once I am attached..I'm regretting the things I didnt do..forever..
That list is much longer than it should be.
Always hopeful.
Almost never successful. Not for the long haul.

Just one of the broken.

I have looked online..
My perception scares me..
I feel I am a simple man.
Yes, I am old.
But, really..the women in my age range..are looking for a rich playboy. Not just a few.. most.. they are looking for someone to replace the guy that they left for whatever reason. . And are expecting diamonds and jewels and foreign vacations..weekends in vegas.. cabo..Europe. .etc.
Hey..guess what.. not me at all.
I cannot even think..

Broken.

Of course..after all this time.. I should have a big house a fat bank account. .summer homes..lavish vacations.. literally money falling out of my pockets.

Not me..I'm broken..
Ha! It dont work for me.
Go figure.

I really need someone that wants to be fixed.. and wants to help fix me. It has to be mutual.
One sided does not work.
I have years of experience on this. .

Help me..help you..and me.

That is it.
We are all broken.
We just need to find the right person..with the glue.

I think I know what I need to look for..

Someone with the glue.

Are you there??
Lots of broken things here..
Glue will help.

:)

R 2/10/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Another day.

Sunday went as planned. Got a few things accomplished.
No errors for anyone to complain about.
I offered for my assistant to take Wednesday off. He accepted.
We also get another personal day to use or lose I. The next 3 wks.
He will take his Monday.
Me.. probably not get to it either.

I have to meet a corporate boss tomorrow. I had a phone meeting with my new corporate finance manager. We had a conference call with corporate about capital budgets. We had the managers meeting with the new regional manager. Plus we worked in the studio on the cameras and on the new computer graphics servers.
So a fairly busy day.

My good friend's daughter was in an accident yesterday. She is ok but her car is damaged. Usually most people are still in shock after an accident .. adrenaline is pumping.. they don't know if they are injured or how bad. It takes a day or so.. then they hurt and may or may not get checked out.. I know..a person should. That way you get to it before it becomes a future problem.
Best to be careful.

Thanks Karma.
I have had a few plusses in the past 2 weeks.
Monetary gains I was not expecting.
Paying it forward.
And today..another in the mail. Return of an overpayment.
Last week. A return of a medical payment..
Im not sure if that was a mistake or not.

I do have to juggle paychecks next month. So I will have to prepare for it. Work will be changing payroll systems. I will get a 1week paycheck and 2 weeks later a 3 week paycheck.

Then back to normal. I have 1 automatic payment to plan. The rest should be ok.

Then of course by then my tax return should be in.
Maybe time to buy a car for my kid...or me.. pass Pearl to her.
May be a good time to start building my engine.
Decisions.

Meanwhile my brain is mush.
My love life is on vacation.
And I think I'm getting sick.

Yes. Feeling lonely again. I was good for a few days. But poor sleep, bad dreams, and long days with empty evenings, begin to catch up.
I'm not depressed. . Actually.. just aware.
I had one of those..get into bed early nights..toss and turn till 3:30.. sort of sleep till 5:30..up watch tv and fall asleep til 7:15..jump up and go to work, Nights.. so, I decide to go have a couple free beers.. and try to be fresh tomorrow. .for my meeting with the corporate boss. Lol..
The weird dreams..I haven't dreamed so much in years. .. just strange..not about anyone specific..just odd.
It must be the stress coupled with no outlet at all.
No one to talk with no one who gets my weirdness. Or understands my issues. No real human contact, mental or physical.
It tears at a persons psyche.
Yes..I know how to continue with out showing my weakness. But I still hurt deep down. Still empty. Aimless. Just going to the next day. Trying to reap whatever personal satisfaction I can from the most meaningless things.

Such has been my life.
For far too long.
I am really just hopeless.
I have said it so long..

Lost.

No real reasons.
Even my attempts at parenting..after all these years..have .. not failed..just not mattering anymore.
Slipping away.
Those things I held on to as an anchor..have turned.
For years I could fall back on the academic successes of my child.
When she lost interest..it meant I failed. I was unable to help her succeed. So now..with no help.it is on me.
I am crushed. Because she is crushed.
I cannot find the words or the suggestions to help.
We are drifting ..not apart..just not close anymore..

I put so much into the few relationships I have.. I refuse to let them go..even when they are beyond hope.
I have so few close friends. Losing one..or the appearance of losing a close contact, burns so bad. I panic. I grasp at things I should remember to stay away from... just to regret and be burned hard.
Yet, I have a few real friends..the ones that know me..or have learned to understand the me I don't share. Those are the ones I can't live without. Some know it..some dont. The ones that do..know it. The others.. won't. I get that.
So..here I am in my little circles.. (Laura..I tried to explain this to you years ago) some intersect some are within eachother some are all alone. I realize that over the past years.. there are more lonely circles than those that intersect. Shared friends have disappeared.
The shear number of friends have been limited.. but now have diminished.

I am an island.
In uncharted waters.. all alone in a vast sea.
Not a place that is searched for, but I have buried treasures.
Most will not seek out the maps. Those that happen across the beach..may never see the prize that lies beneath the surface. .
Or even know how to dig...or dig deep enough to find, before giving up. Some have touched the surface of the chest..and stopped.
Reluctant to open it and find the real prize.
Some have just laid out a towel on the beach..on top of the treasure..and tanned their beautiful souls..never knowing the treasure they lay on.

As I said many times. I won't be known to those that won't look for me. What ever prevents you from seeing me..I cannot influence. I cant change. It just is not in my power. I can not change someones pre-made decisions.
I rarely am one to be hated. Just not me. If someone finds a way..or a reason. I cannot fix that. It isn't my doing.
I know this. I have avoided this my entire existance..
I forgive easily. .forget as needed.
But on my behalf. I cant make someone change their perception of me.

It kinda hurts to know, someone can dislike me..for any reason.
I have always tried so hard to be likeable..
But it does happen. .mostly for reasons out of my control.
Nothing I can do..just keep being me. Someday hope to be appreciated and allowed ..
It is a struggle. One that I think prevents real happiness..
For me and another.

I am truly. .in the wrong place..in the wrong decade.
I lost 20 years.. and will never be able to go back.
To make that time matter. I am here now because if that times lessons. I won't get them back but I know what I did and didn't do.
I have no real regrets..just I could be in a different place.
If I had just done that one or those few things.
But I am here..now..
Please take me as I am.
I will take you as you are..
Not as you present yourself..but the real you.

The real you knows the real me.
We need to get them together again..
They met once. It was fantastic chemistry. .

Deny it...I dare you.

Think about your happiness.
I know you dont..
Except secretly..
It isn't a secret you want to keep.

Stop!

Stop holding me at arms length. .
I look much better close up..
Internally and externally.
You know this like I do.

I know why you push me away.
It is no secret.
It is obvious to everyone but you.

Think.

I have. That is what hurts.
To know the pain would be managed better with help.
Never forgotten..just tolerable.
Less catastrophic. . Liveable.
Some thing a person can survive.
With help.

There are too many people that feel alone on this planet.
If you have the choice to be alone or not..what do you choose??
If you can choose between waking up happy or sad..could you?
Alone or not.?.

If these things were a choice. . Why chose the pain? Lonelyness?
Seperation?

Sometimes you are making the choice..without knowing. .someone is making tbe choice for you..sometimes it is just you. Punishing yourself. Sometimes it is what you percieve you should do In your situation. As punishment? Obligation? Respect? Or your perception of what you think yoh should be doing.

Figure out what makes you happy.
You matter.
Your happyness matters.
Anyone else will realize if you are happy. .you will function much better than if you are not. Thus..one less concern..one less one that matters.. that prevents you from being the real you.. that keeps you from helping someone else..even those you love..if you can't love the you that is here..now..how can you help anyone sufficiently..if you are stressed.

It helps us all.
To realize.

Now.

R2/8/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Weekend.

This is Saturday. Tomorrow is the Superbowl.
Because of that. I will be at work from noon til 9:00 ish..
Unpaid. Recommended. .more like required.
If all goes well. I will have nothing to do.
Just sit in one of the conference rooms and watch the game on the big screen tv.
I plan on getting some work done.. run some wiring in the ceilng. Connect up some security.
Maybe clean my office. Clean the shop.
It is supposed to be a nice day.. nearly 60 degrees.

I asked my young adult if she wanted to come hang out..she said no. So the food I ordered for her will have to be brought home later.

We went to dinner late tonight..well late for our norm. We had to wait 20 minutes to be seated and another 20 for food.
It was good. She explained her distress. It is important to her right now. But with time wont mean much. I am consoling offering suggestions..and being supportive. Because it is really important to her right now.
She is reworking her drawings. To purge out bad reminders.
She will probably sleep till tomorrow evening.

I am hoping work releases that money we found in excess payroll.
I could give my 5 employees another raise. They deserve it and it would help their morale. They got less than 3% raises and this ..if done properly would give them an additional 9% raise..each!
Nothing for me..but they all need it..and I am offering to only use half of the excess money found in the payroll budget. The other half can go to another department. It's there. They had it in the budget..an entire person's salary..who was working for two departments and was counted twice.

Its a hope.

With all this. I won't get any extra time for spending 9 ish hours at work to be available. I will suggest my assistant take a day off..he was coming in late on Wed. I will tell him to take the whole day.
It's only fair.

All in all. I am glad to have a place to go..where I am needed if not always appreciated each day.

We will see if it was worth spending an entire Sunday at work.

Meanwhile. .here I am .. getting another shirt.
Totally unplanned. But I was close so why not.

R 2/5/17

posted from Bloggeroid

February start..

Ok..January was a quick pass through month.
Barely remember it.
February started well. Busy. Making money. Getting things done.
Busy ahead. Corp. In next week. Big day Sunday. Hoping all goes as planned. Hoping for no major problems.
May have a way to boost morale.. money!
Waiting for local upper management to contact the people holding the cash. I may make a few people very happy.
We will see.

Me.. I am frustrated.
In many ways.
I came home to my young adult sitting in the dark, on the computer. No acknowledgement. Today.. not even a response to my conversation. Went back to work. Came home late...with dinner. In the dark..playing solitare.. no conversation. . Then asleep on the couch. Somethings up..and she dont want to talk about it.

Lost.

Yes still alone.
No one wants me.
I stopped in at my old bar last night.. just to see who was there.
A few old regulars.. chatted with one..who asked why I haven't been there in 5 months.. I said no one is here any more.. got the info on their past few months.. stayed about 30 mins..and went home.
Went by tonight.. drove through and went somewhere else.

Just not feeling comfortable there. Maybe tomorrow for kareoke.
I will ask Lindsey.

As far as anyone else.. nope.
No one.

I need to check out the ski vacation.
Or a trip east.. flying.. or driving.

I should start prepping the engine.. buy the parts.
Start assembling..
That should keep me out of trouble..and make me sleep.
Exhaustion sleep. No worries about getting old and being alone..

I also should look for another car..maybe. mini.. for me.. and give Pearl to L.

Or buy the station truck..

Or not any.

I need a new network. I have no prospects..no help.
The new company makes me nervous.
No idea if I will be replaced.. and left with all my debt..
Or if I will shine and be recognized.. or if I should jump ship..and get out.

Yet..I come back to ..just me.
I effectively live by my self. I always cook for two. But usually eat alone. Weekends I am by my self.. I cant go anywhere..do anything..I am waitng ..
This weekend is the big Sunday.. I wont be arround from noon to prob 9pm. Unpaid of course.. but I have to be available. .accessible. so I will be at work.

Speaking of which..I just sent an emal asking to be fed. If not Im ordering me a pizza. On the company..because I am not being paid to be there.

If anyone has seen that bastard ISTBA...
Tell him thanks for nothing.
Because I really feel alone. Home and work. Present and future.
I am not getting any younger.. and old grey and alone is where I live.

I know.. woe with me.. it's up to me.
But I have never been the guy .. never in control of me.
Just one struggle after another.
Never positive result.
I make do..but never lasting.
Usually discarded.. no real explanaton..just an excuse..or excuses.
Never anything that makes sense to me.
I usually see through the bs..or see that it is just an excuse with no real basis.
Which is why I am alone.. with persons that love me completely. .but cannot .
And those that 'think' they love me completely..but have no idea.

That whole settling thing.

I have had worse relationships.
If I settled at least I would be getting laid..
I have lived with worse situations..
For 20 yrs.

I cannot do that to me.

Damn.

It would end badly..and I have seen what can be done to an ex..or exes.

Not for me.

I am not that guy.

But that means.. it is all on you.
Never a player..never the guy.
Always lonely. And alone.

Alone.

.

Too many years of actually being alone.
The one thing i never wanted .
The situation I have fought since I was 18.
I always end up there.

Alone

Welcome to my reality.

I know I suck
I know I am not what anyone wants.
I know I am not enough to allow anyone to be happy.
I am not 'the guy'
Never have been.
I have been the 'excuse' the 'escape' the right now... but never the one. Which is what I have been searching for..for almost 40 years.
Really! I have always been looking for my mate.

And here I am.

Me.

R 2/4/2017

posted from Bloggeroid

Taxes..no death or lost data ..yet

I always do my taxes manually. Then I log on and see what I missed. I am usually surprized what the 'fill in the blank..answer these questions' site finds. Lately, Always better than mine on paper. So it was that way last night. It was a good result.
I was pleasantly surprized to see the result. Better than last year.

I got to take a drive in the mountains today..it was for work.. but so needed. Smiling!

I came home after working late. To a dark quiet house... except for my freeloading cat.. meowing for something..it ended up being milk.
Then a combing .. I answered emails. .after a shower..then left.
Still no sign of the young adult.
Tomorrow is take home pizza night.
So no. Cooking.
Equipment to test.. and budget reports to file. I need to remember to order fuel for the generator. Stuff to fix.. it will be busy.
Maybe.. eat and go to bed early..maybe.

Nothing happening on the personal life.
Just lonely, and coming home to an empty house.. reinforcing that.

No prospects..no interests.

I have to think about keeping the money coming in.. I have gone in early 3 days this week and stayed late 4.
I stayed home last night..and overslept.
I do better..if i go out and drink. I get up early and go in early.

Its all in my mind.
I just need to get out of bed when the alarm goes off.
Today..I was up at 5:30..answered a poke..the alarm went off at 6:05.. turned it off..woke up to a pbone call at 8:15..

Yesterday I am was up at 6:00.. ended up wandering around the kitchen at 7:00.. waitng to leave for work..
I went in early and left late.

So coming in at 8:20..today..should not be an issue.
Not that anyone but me punishes me for it.
I do though.
That is what salary is all about.

Well it looks likes my plan to use my lost vacation time after the superbowl. .are quashed.. the new corp vp that was supposed to be here last week..will be here Tuesday.. all week..
So maybe..the last 2 wks of February? ?

Maybe..

Where to go..ski or visit..drive or fly..
Or just stay home..and work?

Tax return may fix that.

R2/1/17

posted from Bloggeroid

Busy busy

Yes it was one of those days.
Stayed home..worked on tax forms.
Did not wake up this morning. Late.
Meeting in 20 mins. 10min drive to work..
Made it but it looked like had been out drinking all night.

I made it through. And got much accomplished.
Verified a $1500 / mo deal. Ordered parts. Spent money.

So tonight.. beer.
Tomorrow. . We will see.

I did have a good conversation with my old friend.
Building that lost friendship.

I also heard from the local yesterday... but it seemed like a fishing test. Nothing came from it.

I also heard from the other local.. was out drinking with work..early..too early.

Why are almost all the ones I know .. broken..??
I mean beyond the point where I could be considered to help?
One says she deserves to be swept off her feet..
Yes..they all do. But won't give anyone the chance.
I could do that. I would. But you have to let me in. Not happening...
Not tall, buff, young, ripped, ...blah blah..
So I gave up trying.

And here I am.

2016 was the year of alone.
What will I call 2017?

Im not rich. Not sucessful.
Slightly respected.
Definitely depended on.
Somewhat appreciated..
Just the me I have always been.
Making my way.

The young adult has been doing her impersonation of a modern vampire.. only up at night..sleeps all day.. which totally clashes with my schedule.
So I come home to an empty house. Cook and eat alone. Do all the chores...its like I live alone..
But somehow..I use more utilities..and the food disappears..

Stuck.

Sure we chat.. but nothing.
I need to remind her about the agreement.
' if you are not in school. You need a job'
It has been almost a year.

I am here.
Im busy.
Enough.

I need a life.

Hello ..

February. .2017......

R 1/31/17

posted from Bloggeroid