Busy busy...

Well it has been a ride.. the last month.
ISTBA.. has been hiding out.. leaving me ... alone isn't the right word.. he hasn't been bothering me..
I have not missed him... much..

Dont want to settle.. not sure if its going anywhere I want to be.. but enjoying it for what it is..

Offspring song comes to mind... ..'.but I'm not a dweeb'...

My life is good if not busy.. works keeping pace.. and personal.. requesting the rest of my time.. just wish I was managing the $ better.. just have not had a Good enough reason.. ..

I may have let some things slip.. but if need be I can revisit.. I hope... but if not.. there is always ISTBA..
I cannot get greedy..or let stuff go to my head... I have somethings.. and need to enjoy it..

Someday.. ill figure it out..

R 12/17/13

Where have you been, buddy?

ISTBA?
ISTBA?

Ok.. I see.. your hiding on me..
Its ok. I'm doing ok with out you.

Funny, when your not around, I'm still tired, but getting sleep.. better than usual sleep.. must be my bed.
No room for you , ISTBA.. so I guess I have room to sleep.

I won't say I don't expect you to come sneaking around.. you probably will.. even if its just to check on me.

Its all good.

R 11/30/13

Sharing

Hello. If your reading this, I must say it isn't really all that interesting.. but it is me for the past few... its not always clear what I am saying by design.. someday someone will read and know more than they expect.. and I don't have any excuses for how I feel at any given moment. I just put it out there..
The people in my life know part of me and in most cases its better that way. Anyone I have shared this blog with must understand me to know why I let them in on it..
Mostly this place is for me.. and if you stumbled on it.. good reading..if I shared it with you.. please don't judge.. its just a way for me to keep what little sanity and day to day composure.

And that being said.. this weekend was yet another.. ups and downs and me trying to find peace with myself.

R 11/17/13

November

Yes, I know its November. . I also know I am a fool.
Nothing much changed there. I should be doing stuff. .. but am bored...lonely... and tired..
I should call it a night.. bag it and go home..
Got stuff to do.. but its hard getting motivated.

But some time I will...

Thanks J for listening to me ramble..

But I need to scale it back and save some $$

I'd get more done.

Arrghhh...
R 11/14/13

Weird

Yep.. weirdness. .
But not home alone..
Out and gonna pay for it tomorrow. .
We will se what that will be.....

R

Sorry.

I have been neglecting the posts.. staying busy.. or at least occupied.
But I am still good friends with Istba..
And not seeing any changes in the near future..

The 8th passed with no fanfare... not that I expected any different...
Got to reschedule my life..

Feeling alone and lonely..


Rearranging my house.. and painting and stuff like that...

Just lack of anything else to do..

Yippie.. ki yay...

R

Hello again.... ..

Well, been busy.. trying to stay occupied without being a hermit. Still spending money and still going out after works.. probably should cut back a bit.. but better than going home and veg'ing till sleep.. I should be fixing and painting and re-arranging.. but not In the mood.
Getting to be that time of year...lonely alone times.. but..
I didn't mention.. the roomates have moved out.. the cat is pissed. The room is empty.. I have washed the walls and prepped to paint.. I've bought the paint.. and am ready to refurb.. I have ideas.. and have began moving stuff.. and rearranging.. and replacing what found new homes.... as I notice I needed it...
L is doing ok with it. And loving having the house to herself.

I am still lonely and wish I had someone to occupy my thoughts.

But ISTBA is my me.. and I have to endure..
And the Absolut and beer is filling that void. Getting costly, but it beats being home alone... or is it home lonely...
One in the same...
Anyway.. its day to day..and I will move on the next.. what ever that will be..

R
11/5/13

Busy

I am keeping myself busy. Not sleeping well. Not feeling 100%. Struggling through the work day.. sore.. tired.. generally grumpy ... somethings dont change. But some are a decision to be made.. some are a red flag.. one I cannot ignore.. I am restless. I need something. ... or someone to occupy my mind ... and eat my time .. and help me so i dont have to think about work...

I got call a few days ago.. played phone tag till today.. and the guy..basically was fishing for an engineer. Said to send him my resume.. he knows the purchase is happening.. and is looking far a few placemnts... Minneapolis and Dallas.. its a FOX owned station..and probably a really good job.... hmmm...

That aside.. the roomates will be moving out in 10 days.. and it will be just me and L. And the cat.. he will be unbearable. But we will see.

I don't think I want to think too much about what is coming.. it could be good or not.. I'm spending too much time alone and in the bar..
But don't have much else...

Well got to keep on..

R 10/15/13

By the fire

Here I am by the fire, watching it burn.. enjoying the heat.
I am alone.. yes.. just me.
I am thinking of a name for my companion...
ABbie S Lout..
Something like that..

The big logs have burned out and I'm feeding it with twigs and other scrap.. but I should let it die and go in ... got stuff to finish before lights out.. and the new week begins.. and my drink is empty..

Changes are coming.. work.. home... I should welcome them.. and maybe take one last road trip.. can't afford it.. but will just loose 3 days paid.. and show nothing for it..

End of the month will be here soon and the home changes are then.. what to do.. maybe a staycation to clean the house up..
Hmmm sounds like work... lol

Well the fire is out and I will stir the coals and put the lid on and cleanup and go in.

R 10/6/13

ISTBA. But good to be able to see people you know

Yes, another saturday out , by myself.
Kinda lonely but 'sharing the drink they call loneliness'
Its ok.
I could be home alone and bored..
I could be stuck in front of the TV.. vegetating...
But lately. TV don't interest me.. and it rarely sucks me in.. but I do need to get a better option..
Someone to demand my attention.. and deserve it .

I am still me.. I still help those I cared for.. I am not asking anythng for it.. it is just me caring for another human .. one I know.. that is the way it should be.. we should care for the people In our lives.. even if we are not In theirs anymore.. we touch people and they touch us.. that is reason enough to help when they need it.. if you can.. no obligation except normal human kindness. .if you have any history.. good bad or otherwise. You should be able to put differences aside.. and help someone you once cared for.. the world would be a better place if everyone realized this . There would be no need for soup kitchens or homeless shelters.. no need for the guy on the corner with the cardboard sign..
I know it used to be that way.. back in my granny's time.. people looked out for each other.. and took care of people they knew..

Anyway.. don't judge me for helping people in my past.. take a minute and realize.. one day it could be you... or me..
I would hope someone would be there for me.. if ever I needed it..

Got to look at what's coming . The end of the year... lots to do and figure out.. I don't think the current situation is getting me anywhere. Kinda stagnant.. got to move forward.. and begin new.. or pickup where I left off...

ISTBA..

Story of my life..
Someone needs to belp me change that...

R 10/05/13

Didn't work.. nobody missed me.

Well, I stayed off and then only was on once a day..then only a couple..but mostly private comments. And a blank profile pic.
Got a few concerrned comments but not much..
Everyone knows I am not gonna shut it off.

I did send a smiley and it took 3 days to get a smiley back..
At least I got a response .. better than the last 4 months.

No matter.. I can't keep this up.. got to make a change..
Just not sure what I should be doing.
The roomates move out at the end of the month. Just me and L living with the cat.. it is actually his house.. he's there all day and every night.. if he had ajob I'm sure he'd kick us all out...

Got to use some time.. got month maybe..to use 20 hrs, but don't know what or where to use it.. maybe a drive.. just me.. plus I have a week or so of vacation left and all my sick time... I should do it now while L has transport...

Hmmm.. what to do.. where to go..who to see..
Got to plan this out.. and just do it.

R 10/3/13

Hello Tuesday

Has to be the worst day of the week.
It's not Monday.. not humpday.. not one day next to friday.. just thad day..

Not doing much.. thinking about every thing and every one...
Kinda hoping some one would give me a reason to do something.
But not gonna happen.. its Tuesday. ..

That is about it.. gonna go home and end my day.. prepare for humpday..

Well that is kinda what I needed.. I just had someone I don't know buy my dinner!

I hope that means things are looking up!..
Take that Tuesday!!

I best get home and end this day on an up..

Good night...

Miss you....

All of you.

Lol

R 9/24/13

What to do

Just don't know what to do next.
I think it may be hermit time..
Time to start ( go back to )
Staying close to home.. not doing anything.. or go anywhere..
Cut back on where I post and what I say and do..
It isn't helping me .. I go out and sit.. and I can be alone at home..
I can sleep and fix stuff and make money. Or do stuff around the house.. clean.. yard work.. and such.. save my going out for travels
And such..

It would probably save me some money that can be better spent..

Time is ticking away..and I am not helping the stuation by just siting here spending my cash on stuff I could be doing at home..

I know people care.. but no one specific person cares enough.. just I get missed or commented when I post what is In My life.
But its just casual.

I undserstand casual.. but I just don't know how to go beyond it.. I have. But have no idea how it ws done.. I do t think it was me... if so..it was by accident. Cause when I try.. I fail.
No lesson learned by it.. just failure..

I don't know, ..never knew, how to turn that around.. if I don't fall In it.. I don't see it.. work.. love.. life.. its all the same.

Just me , I guess..

R 9/21/13. 11:51p

Here I am

Well what to say..
Here I am sitting here ..
ISTBA by my side..
Keeping me company.

Yes.. it cannot be more desolate..
And I have nothing to do and no one to do it with..

Yeah I know pathetic..
Lonely and pathetic...

Loser.... "L"

Nothing going on... should be home sleeping.. got a morning meeting.. and groceries..and nothing else.. maybe a drive.. before dinner..

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.. or not doing..
I am a bit lost..
Need a direction to go... I am directionless
Or is that aimless.. no... I have an aim.. a goal
..not to be alone..

I don't get it.
I have worked so hard at my relationships. .never got enough out of them.. and the last..was not even my fault.. if you don't include unknowingly marrying a lesbian. . And raising a child together..

Now I am washed up.. no prospects..
I have a good job, a home..a couple cars.. this and that.. but no one that wants me around.. .

You would think by this time in this day and age someone would see this as an opportunity to be happy..

Nope.. would know if it was there in front of me.. still oblivious.. and as always chasing what I cannot have..and prob don't need.

But now I'm getting older and guess I should stop looking and start fivuring oit what is next.. time is running away from me..and on nights like this I just feel old, unloved and neglected...

ISTBA!!

R 9/20/13

Thursday

Not much going on..
Quiet couple days..
Waiting for the disaster to hit.
Too many bad things could happen right now..
And not much I could do about it..
So maybe..we will get through it.

Then there is nothing else..
Repair some stuff I've been putting off. And finish the projects I've been trying to get done..

It is as it is.. and wait for the next thing to take all my time.

Got the sale/purchase to get through.. and all that entails.
I hope its smoother than I expect. But of course.. it prob won't be..
I will hopefully survive..

Still lonely..
ISTBA
As always..

No help there..

The roomate is moving out.. finally...
Good or bad.. it gonna happen.. may be time for another road trip..

Need one for me..

We will see...

R
9/20/13. 12:15A

Hedges and containers

What a couple weeks can do...
I did get the hedges cut down and stumps pulled.
2 weeks of working in a couple 40ft hot metal boxes..
Metal thieves and cash... a few demands and a couple thanks later, I have disposed of hundreds of thousands of dollars of electronic equipment and scrap.. I made a few friends ..giving stuff away.. but nothing for me but .. it looks good... comments .
The open house went almost to plan.. sorry Mike.. but thanks just the same.. a day of quiet.. but doom lurks on the horizon.. floods and road destruction and equipment failure looms ... hope and good thoughts.. may not help fill 300 x 15x 40 foot hole in the road, or a damaged piece of equipment that cannot be accessed.. but . I have to hope we can keep it running till the roads get fixed..

Personal life isn't much better.. just another huge hole that isn't gonna allow me to go any where or have any fun..

It isn't bad.. just it ... isn't.

Wish I could just make it better for all.. myself included.. make the smiles mean something... not just to hide the pain and loneliness. .

Nobodys fault but mine..
I never was able to get anyone's attention unless I wasn't trying... then they usually had to hit me over the head for me to notice..

Yes, you...

But I can keep on..like I have for so long.. and just work till I can't any more..

Deal with the people I must deal with..and survive..

I dont have it bad.. I just don't have it..
Nothing , no one, to make it worth doing it all for..
My daughter is my only salvation.. she is perfect..happy and almost her own woman.. which will mean.. time for her to be on her own..and no longer need dad for much... I know she won't go too far.. but sbe will go.. spread her wings and be..
That much I know..and accept..but then. I will just be me..by myself.

Inevitable...

It is really what I want.. what I've been working towards.. a healthy happy productive child.. all grown up and fending for herself..making her way.. and proud to have been part of it.

Still.. I do not know what I am supposed to do..
I work.. and that's about it..
Many people depend on me..but with little satisfaction. . For me..
Not much for me..at all. .

Take me for granted.. most do.. and I guess I'm at fault too.cause I let it happen..

R 9/17/13..

Oh yeah..
Happy birthday ... RC..

Nothing changes

Ok Saturday.
Tried to have fun.. didn't .
Sat there.. for a couple hours. Then the game...
Not sitting near anyone.. in the wrong seat.. the kids I. My seat kept yelling, screaming and kicking me in the back.
It was time to go.. end of the first quarter...
No respect.
Now at otb.. alone.. and... still not having much fun.

Oh well.. tomorrow is critters and hedges..

ISTBA

R 9/7/13

More of the same

Ok.. just me.

ISTBA

Yes, I know I am just the the guy that is here.
I got nothing going on.
Still just working.
I have no personal life.
I am not having any fun.
I am me.

I was thinking I need to confront someone and just tell them I just want 3 weeks. After that you can tell me what I'm doing wrong.

I'm good for 3 weeks.. somewhere I go wrong.. I just don't know where. If I can figure that out .. maybe I can fix me and find someone that will stay..

I just can't keep doing this.
I am part of a family.. the youngest.. I always had someone there.. I can't be alone.. it just sucks.

I have had to .. but don't like it..
Soon my daughter will be gone.. and I will be alone.. and I don't know what I am to do..

I suck at relationships.. either I am all in or I'm not..and when I am.. they are not.. when I'm not... they are.. and they go..

ISTBA.

R 9/6/13

ISTBA...

Yep, I am here.
And I didn't deserve the treatment I got.
But its my own fault..
And yes you are a flake....
Your words.. not mine.

I guess you looked for me when shit went down.. and thought better of it..and needed an excuse.. I guess a random innocent comment was what you needed. Now I'm history..

Really your loss . I was more into you than you knew..and It would have been nice to show you how you really should be treated.. the godess you are.. but.. as I said..' as you wish '.

I will think about you, but as you asked.. its goodbye.

I think I give up..
JW has a beau
C isn't gay and has a thing
JM has a guy..she is changing
I'm just me and cant even carry a conversation on POF..

ISTBA.

But I am..

R 9/1/13
Yes its September.

Why do you do this?

Ok.. I just wanna know...
In the past few weeks.. I have had random coincidences happen more than once.. I am beginning to wonder if its random at all.

One after another I get phone calls from people I thought would never speak to me again.. then I get texts from people I thought didn't want to communicate with me again..

And the reasons are the same..and a week after they should have had reason.

WtF..??

Are you just messing with me???

Am I not going through enough.. with out having to figure out why you decided to get back in touch and at the same time as the other ???..

What the hell did I do?

I don't get it.. have I not been punished enough in this life ?..

Bad choices made from mis information and having to live with that and now not being able to have a life.. not knowing how.. or with who.. thinking I should just quit.. give up and work myself to death.

ISTBA.. but its all I know..
Except for the 3 weeks I am viable for.. I just wish I knew how to make them end to end, instead of months between.. then at least I wouldnot be so lonely..

R 8/27/13

Life and

Well this weekend I will say goodbye to my Mom. She pased away on friday. I had just visited her a few weeks before. I am understanding that now she is no longer in pain. No longer suffering. No longer needs to endure the issues she was confronted with daily. It is both sad and happy to know she is free.

Her beliefs sustained her and gave her hope. She is in paradise with her husband. Happy, young and whole once more.

She gave me the values that made me who I am now. Or should be... I will miss her as much as my Dad and hope she understood why I've done the things I have In my life, I hope she was never dissapointed with my choices..

But that said.. I must live my life..continue and keep moving forward.

That is the life we must do..

Miss you Mom!

R 8/21/13

Well then...

This week is moving along.
Not at all happy.
But life goes on and death takes hold of those you love.

Goodbye Mom.

Saturday I will bid her goodbye..surrounded by family friends and strangers..

I know her beliefs and the reward she expected. I pray she gets more than she wanted, and is reunited with the man that would do anything for her. And they both will be incredably happy forever.

I am complacent in the knowledge of the resurrection. .and the possibilities it supports. I hope it is exactly what I have been taught. That would be awesome..and is what I believe and that explains why I have not shed a tear.
Either time ...

Not that I don't experience the pain. But with the hope.. I do not need to endure it. It is what it is..and I am good with what it has handed us.

Like I said ... goodbye Mom.

R
8/20/13

Continued

Her reply was it isn't and that's what I wish. Goodbye.

Well I guess that is it. No chance to explain.. just goodbye.

These past few days I've lost a loved one in death and a friend. It looks like neither will come back.

One was totally out of my control...
The other was just my fault.
Being stupid... trying to be cute.. trying to be someone I am not. Playing a game..
Stupid. I'm just old.. and alone.

No point in trying to fix it.
She was looking for a reason and found it.

We all wish we could be someone else sometimes. To be able to say or do things we would never do.

But its always a bad idea because we turn off those things that make us who we are.. and become someone else.

I cannot pretend to be younger, because I am not. Its just wrong.

I cannot pretend to be sexy.. because I'm not in real life.. I'm no ladies man..im to inhibited, scared if you will.. I could not pull it off.

ISTBA.

but I do it to myself..because I deserve it.

R

Ok then

I made a mistake. I guess several.
I wished her happy birthday.. a month early..oops.. I thought it was September. .. got a reply.. stop contacting me and it isnt my birthday. I replied.. sorry I thought it was. As you wish.

What now?

Ok, it happened again. I had just updated my account a few days ago... and decided to check it.. and noticed I had been unfriended.
So I checked her main page and it was gone. Turned off again. Which usually means she is hiding. Then I checked her alias.. it was different.. this time it was a pic of her.. a nice pic. Then a couple hrs later it was gone too. Turned off.
And still off this morn. Now later In The day.. both are back on. I am still unfriended. On both.

Hope she's ok.

R 8/13/13

Istba!

Yep.
Not liking it at all.
R 8/07/13

Wait

So here I am.
Waiting to spend money.
I know its coming. And I guess I really dont care.
It is what it is.
I'm lonely..and not happy about my personal life.
I want to call/text/contact someone that will give me something...or some kind of thing to keep me busy.. occupy my mind...
Been a rough ride these past months..now have nothing to occupy my off time.. would love a diversion..that morfs into a relationship..
Someone I can depend on to occupy my thoughts ...
Keep me from being negative and lonely.

I just dont know if I can make the steps to be what I need to be.
Its not as easy as it should be..
I know its an excuse.. but it is what it has been..
I just cant seem to get started and when I do.. I cant keep it going.
If its right it should be effortless..

I need to find the thing worth doing.
So I can be


R 8/6/13

So lonely

!

R 8/5/13

Prognosis

Well.. not good. Shop cannot fix it enought to be road worthy. :(
Got to rent a truck and dolly to trailer it to salt lake city. The mini dealer there can repair it $$$$. $$ :( :(
The uhaul co only had a 29 ft truck and dolly.. arrghhhh.
Gas hog.. huge.. and the air conditioning only worked for the first 20 miles... not fun. So.. driving and we will see what tomorrow brings.. guessing have to turn in the truck and rent a car.. to get home then rent a car to come back for the mini...

A vacation to remember.

R 7/31/13

It figures

Ok been on vacation. Having a good time. Driving all across the south and west. Visiting family seeing the sights. Left Fresno..10 ish.. drove through to east Nevada. While looking for a hotel.. all were booked.... hit a curb and messed up the front end on my car. :(
Now waiting for a repair shop to look at it and figured id do laundry.
Not the way I wanted it to go..but not much I can do.
I got 5 days left before I have to be back to work.

R 7/31/13

Nice

Had a pleasant meet up with a new friend. Talked lots, explained each others works and lives. Fun to be with and have someone to be social with. Got approval from the bartender and another patron.
Just trying to be friends. Not expecting it to go anywhere.
But like I said it was nice.

R 7/18/13

Attitude

Well, I am in a mood.
I have an attitude. . Not sure why, or what kind of mood or attitude.
Just nothing.
Kinda grumpy.
Not looking forward to anything.
Got a week before the trip.
Hopefully it will help.
Need to clear my head. Need to de-funk.
Got to find something to get excited about.
Pretty hum drum right now.
Not bored but feel boring.
I could say its lonely..but its more than that.
Just cant figure out how to get back into a groove that either is tolerable or happy.
Work isnt making me happy, more frustrating than normal..at least it seems like that.
Vacation is what I need. Hopefully it will help.

Got to see what the next weeks bring.

R 7/13/13. 11:28p

Well now....

I got deleted today.
I sent a text late last night that went unanswered.
I saw you were on facebook.. well past your bedtime..
Which usually means something is wrong.
No response.. you were on again this morning.. and by 4:00.. you removed me from your friends.. as well as about 40 others we know.
So, are you cleaning house because you have to? Or feel you have to?
Or did someone login as you and do it for you?
Are you making a point.. with him... you dont need anyone else...or with me... leave me alone I am trying to make this work...

Since I was not the only deletion..
I wonder if it was not you... or to prove your loyal...
Which is bull because he knows you are and always will be loyal.
No one should dictate who your friends should be..

But if your making a point.. I have let those go that dont approve or still have feelings, so you should too... I get it.. no hurt.. just time to back away and not cause you any ill.

Im still your friend.. till you tell me not to be.
Deletion is not Your way of doing that.. I know... we've had this conversation once already..

Be safe.
Take care.
Ttyl. :)

Not... or so..

Well I guess some people dont care to learn their lesson..
Some people are just poison..to you. It wont get any better than an addiction.. you want ... you think you need... and then you want more...no matter how much it hurts.. you want more.. but no matter how much you know it is not good for you.. you keep on. Going back. Letting it in, doing it again.. hoping it will be different.. but never changing anything... I think it was Einstine that said doing the same thing again and again..and expecting different results is the definition ok of crazy..
I can see why. Been there done that.. but in the end you end up with nothing but hurt..and regret.. and have nothing but bad to show for it.

I am sorry.. I care.. but have to let you fall in the mud.. and not be there because you are gonna do what your blind heart tells you to do.

R 6/28/13

Mixed

Well.. what is a guy to do.
I dont know how to play this game..
I suck at it.. and just dont know what to think..
I am an intelligent guy.. I get what is going on..
I can figure it out.

But I read what you post.. I see what is on there.. and I see what isnt. Your faking it..making it up.. posting what people want to see. But I just dont see why.. I get that you feel like you made a mistake.. but move on.. its a mistake. Your human.. you feel and listen to your heart.. and sometimes its just wrong. Learn from it.
Dont be ashamed.. it happens we stumble and get back up and move on.

Dont put yourself in harms way.. once maybe twice is enough.. the third time ... run run run... dont look back. You cannot afford the damage.. mentally, physically.. emotionally.. learn.. break it off..
You are worth so much more than that.
It hurts to see..

R 6/25/13

Timing..

By the way..something is up.. I see it.. but its more than coincidence..
I have been limiting my social networking.. for the past few days.. allowing for posts to go unread.. no comments to cause issues..
And finally last night.. well after bed time.. I see a few (6) posts that sound like the end... and the poster was still online!..
I was meant to see that... not intentionally.. not coincidentally. . I was meant to see...
Because this morning... the account is gone.. closed...
So had I stayed off.. I would not know.. I would assume all is going good and the acct was closed for privacy..

Now go back a few weeks.. I was getting ready to head home for lunch.. and was thinking on texting a hello.. and decided to wait till I got home. .. on the way she texted me... coincidence??

Back even further.. about a month.. I was headed up to the mtn.. driving past the street where she works.. naturally.. thinking about her... and she texts me and asks what im doing..... I was driving past!...

Also.. she was going away for the weekend.. and I left well alone.. not wanting to intrude... but the next day I thought to ask how her weekend was... and she explained how bad it was and how she need to talk ...

I think we are in sync some how.. just dont know why she dont see it... or want to see it...

Just putting that out there.. there has been other instances.. just dont know...

R 6/25/13

Not

This is not...
It would never be..
I am not..
I cant, and still be a friend. .
I wont..
...
All of the above..because..

I am. I was
I always will be..
I said..
I still do..
I have..
And I wonder..

And I wish...

But even if not still..
I hope.. for you..

R 6/25/13

Need space

Ok..
I need to break away.. stop relying on it.. stop stalking.. just stop checking . I dont need to know when they are on.. what they are doing.. I need to let them get ahold of me if need be.. it is doing me no good..
They wont.. so I wont have to agonize about it.. if I dont see..
Only checked 2 times today.. but not c or them or what they were doing.. looking for someone else..

I can do this..

R 6/22/13

The day

Well, it is the end of a long week..once again.
I am lonely ..at best..
I am sitting at my bar with a few friends, but ...
Its just not enough. Wish I had someone to look for..someone to expect me..or better than that.. someone to be with..
Got no real weekend plans.. mow the lawn.. shopping.. dinner..
Nothing else ..
ISTBA.. you suck.

I think its time for Crown.. Black .. chilled...

R 6/21/13

Days

Its thursday..
Been working all week..
I held off, but sent a hello text yesterday.
Got a reply and how are ya doing.. but that was about it.
So I ended it with having a busy day and said to enjoy it cause it was nice out.. and ttyl.

I am aware.. I know how this is to be.

You are in and either dont wanna mess that up by being too friendly, or got what you need and dont want to give me the wrong idea.

I wont 'pester' you... as I promised. I think I have made it clear, I am still here if you need me, but as a friend, I wish all the best and hope it works out.

No regrets, no grudges.

Of course, no one to talk to either.. :(
ISTBA.

It dont hurt.. im used to people moving in different directions.. at least she's not running away screaming!.. LOL

E is a bit different.. just nothing.. that I dont like.. I deserve a bit more..but I guess I should have figured.. she hasnt unfriended me.. so I still see when she is on.. but I gave up messaging and texting.
Little or no answers mean 'go away'.
Out of sight, out of mind. ...

Got to get my car fixed and trip worthy.. and plan that road trip. Probably south and west loop. .

We will see.

R 6/20/13

In

Ok, so after talking to my friend about what was going on..
Expressing my concern and opinion...
She has decided to give him another chance.
I hope it is better this time.
I mean it. I know what she went through and how much he means to her. But I hope he dont screw it up. She deserves the kind of guy she thought he was.. not what he became.
I care that she is happy. Not hurting.
Not lonely. Not sad.

I hope she dont think I dont want to talk to her, or I would be one of those 'I told you so' type of people. I hope it never gets to that.

Friends first.

R 6/18/13

SUNDAY.

Well ive made it through another week.
Actually barely..
I had to work most of it and the weekend too.
I asked for company saturday night and got 'your sweet ' for an answer.. then later mentioned that I didnt get an answer.. and got ' ive been in my pjs all day'
Not being discouraged I said I was just getting home she has time to change...
It was no.
I knew it was going to be, I just wanted some company. But I went anyway.
Ended up shuttling people home.
It was fine.
I am not a bad decision... just bad timing.

R 6/16/13

Friends

Well as a friend.. I hope I made sense.
I heard and reminded.. shes still confused, but she should not go back.. it will end badly.
I dont care that she isnt interested in me... I do, but it dont matter...
She should be happy.. not miserable.
He wont change.. he dont care..
It sucks.
The heart will hurt you if you dont watch out.

ISTBA... but not if you have to suffer to avoid it.

R 6/13/13 10:25p

This week

Wow..
All I can say.
I dont get any of this.
I understand the not wanting to let go of the love in your heart. But the issues and greif and disrespect is rampant. Cut it loose and miss the good but remember the bad. Dont do it again. It will make you sad.
Proven.

R 6/13/13

Nothing to do

Here I am.
Nothing to do, no one to do it with.

ISTBA

It must be summer.
Story of my life.

Not one anyone would read.

I have a lot to share. But no one to share it with.
That really sucks sometime.
I work and keep busy.
It isnt enough .. spent the last 20 working to be comfortable, for nothing. Dont get me wrong..what came out of it is the best.
I would not trade that for anything.. but that chapter is nearing its end.. and I dont know what to do.
Im not having any fun... not much to drive me.. I am missing out on all the rest.

I seem to be doing what I did when I was younger.. floating day to day.. accepting the day to day issues as all I can do.
I finally have my work life moving ahead.. but I cant get to comfortable. .changes are coming.. and I have no idea what to expect.. I cant be worried about it. It will happen if im prepared for it or not.
My personal life is just too expensive to be any good.. I need to change it.. its just me and not anything to be happy about.

If you have read any of this blog..
You will see I am seeking and hoping but striking out ..
I get too attached too quickly.. and then try to slow it down and destroy what ever may have been.
I do not have the best means of selection.. or make the best choices..
Unfortunately what worked in my past no longer applies..
I was a fixer.. but back then the younger me coul afford to fix people that were broken.. their problems were less complicated than an older person.. now I cant be looking for that.. I cant fix the avg persons issues.. they are just too different.
I need to find ... someone that dont need fixing..dont need me... just needs someone to love and to be loved by.

Too deep.. ?
Too much?

ISTBA.

R 6/8/13 11:23p

Posts

To the readers of this blog..
Please be aware.. there may be posts regarding diferent issues going on at the same time..
Sometimes its just random and can be hard to follow.
Sorry about that..
Sometimes (mostly) its just about reactions in my head that need to be voiced.

R

Friend

Hope against all hope.
Yes, I must accept the fact that I am just a friend.
I have no regret of how or why I felt the way I did.
Only that I wasnt able to share that feeling.
Been here before.. just along side.. accepting friendship as the most it can be.
It's really ok. But I see I will have to wait before she will allow us to be near each other.

Could she be afraid I couldn't handle it?
Or maybe she couldn't ?

Oh well, my feelings are to be mine alone..and I should allow them to wane... so it doesnt hurt..anyone..or anything.

Friendship is still needed.. by us both... for now.

R 6/05/13. 7:30a

Her:
I would never hate you for it. I adore you as my friend. And I'm sorry I just don't have the same romantic feelings for you. I do cherish you as my friend and I never want anything to mess that up. I like spending time with you and hanging out.

Me:
:) sorry for the drama.
I was hoping we could try again.. but I know it isnt up to me. And if your just not feeling it, not much I can do.

Dont let me pester you. If I get to be too much, just tell me.

As you know, I do care. And the last thing I would want to do is make you sad, and I never want to make you cry.

I do not want to lose you as a friend.


ISTBA!
R 6/4/13

Done said

Yep, guess your right, trying to be the good guy and not make you feel sorry for me. I feel like ive messed up and lost my chance at making you mine.
Poor choice of words but the ones that come to mind.
Im sorry I didnt give it my all., my mistake..
I thought it was the thing to do at the time.. trying to be respectful..
You should know I do care a lot for you. But our friendship means a lot to me, and I dont want to mess that up by falling love with you if you dont feel the same.
Dont hate me for it.. but that is what it is.

R 6/3/13 11:05p

Im not the jealous type.

But I be a liar if I said it doesnt hurt.
As I said beforemmm I missed out on something wonderful.
my mistake. Damn it.

Be happy for her.. hope it works out.
Dont be a dick.
Be a friend. I know how to do that.
That im good at.

ISTBA..stop laughing at me...

R 6/3/13. 11:41p

Not giving up thst easy

Well I am gonna keep trying.
I get positive vibes if I keep talking.
I like what I hear.. and dont want to give in ...
This could be something nice.. just got to keep moving forward. .

R 6/2/13 12:23a

Whatcha gonna do

Ok..
Question for you ( not one but all)
What are you gonna do once you have turned me into the asshole you wish I was??

Thats what you want..

But if ya get it.. your not happy...

Guess what.. I would not be happy either.

Who wins here???

I really need to start over.this sucks.

:(

R 6/1/2013. 12:50a

Ignore me please

I must be sending out this vibe.
Ignore me please.
Ive sent texts..and get no answer..
I have worn out my welcome.
I am feeling neglected..
I dont deserve it..
I am the one friend you cant get rid of..
But they must try..

I have said it again and again.
" if ya want me to go away.. just tell me... I ll go."

That simple...

Cruel world that it is.. no one will be honest with me.

Truth hurts and truth can set you free....

:)

R
6/1/13 12:14a

Ok.. nothing..

Well that is strange.
Dont know where to go with that.
Chat..chat. .. then nothing.. no more responses.
No indication of availability. .
I sent a good night text. But prob should not..

I sure can scare them away with out trying...

But thats me..
( I hope everythings ok).

ISTBA.

R 5/31/13 11:08P

Chance

Well, I took a chance.. not sure of the result.. I may have to ask again.

R 5/30/13 2:30p

Interest

Ok.. so I took a chance and texted B last night after work.
She responded with ' I was just gonna text you '..
We texted for a while. I got home and started a fire, made a drink and after a bit asked if I could call.
We talked for a while. She told me about her weekend and I told her about mine.
Finally I explained my 'epiphiany'.. and I told her I was holding back and regret that I did, because I really like her and over thought how I should have handled it. But didnt want to tell her and ruin her weekend.

She seemed to understand and was cool with it.
I dont think it changed anything about us... but it gives her something to think on.

R 5/29/13 5:38p

Now what

Not sure what to do next..
Do I explain it?..
If she had a great weekend I think I should leave well enough alone.. let it be.. dot muddle the waters..
Essentally.. back off.
I hate to do it.. but to be a true friend.. I should.
It isnt about me..its about her.
I love her enough to let her find her happiness ...
Even if it isnt with me.

R5/26/13 11:29p

Next step

So, do I explain myself..?
Let it go unless asked?

Or wait and see.

The answer to your question was, yes. It is about you.

I cannot tell you that because I dont want to ruin your weekend.
It is about me and why I think it didnt workout.
It probably dont matter at all.. it probably is what it is.

Once again my loss.

ISTBA

Time. . . . .
R 5/25/13 10:39p

lessons

I believe I have learned a valuable lesson today.
Sometimes I think way too much.. sometimes it pays off.. If I can apply what I have just learned, I may be happier in the future. :)


    I have always analyzed things in my life. But as time passes the analyzing has turned into more of a problem than a help.

    My lesson that I discovered today, is basically no matter how similar the situation... everything and everyone is different.. you have to step up instead of holding back.. even if you think you have figured out (incorrectly) that you should hold back.. in my case the reservation burned me.
 
 I didnt get burned, I missed out on something wonderful, I burned myself.

 Sometimes I forget the simpler answers.. overlook if you will. Sometimes you just got to do.. not think.
  
My problem... . Mine is over thinking.. trying to figure what would happen if I did this over that.. trying to analyze what I should do.. and end up not doing enough, Or just too much. But my epiphany is I just cannot compare the different situations. . They are all different..

What didn't work one time.. is probably what I should have done the next.. but I talked myself out of it and it ended up being my mistake.. if I didn't think about it so much, it would have probably worked out fine.

R 5/25/13 8:51p

Can I be wrong once in a while?

I may not know much about somethings..but if its gonna not go my way, im usually right on the $.

I am sure I blew it.. sorry B, I didnt realize I should have been going all for it.

My loss, as usual I figured it wrong.
I hope the new guy is good to you and it works out.

Now I just need to get over it and stop kicking myself, again, and fiv ure out how to have a nice summer.... alone again.

ISTBA...!! Thanks for not listening to me... you suck.

R 5/25/13 10:39a

Totally blew it

That is what I feel..
Didnt think I should have pushed how I felt.. stayed friendly... but didnt let it all out.. I mentioned that I wanted to see more of her... wanted to spend more time getting to know her... and she could get to know me...
I didnt want to take advantage or be the rebound guy..
So I played it cool.. it was hard.. but I succeeded. ..
She didnt feel me... I did it too well.
Not what I wanted at all...

Now its too late...

Bummer..

R 5/24/13 8:38p

So. Back to ..

ISTBA..
Yep, before it got too comfortable.. its basically over.
I did it wrong again..
I held back.. waited paitently, didnt press my luck.. and it was too slow...
Good for about a week..
Hmmm I seem to have said that before....

She basically said the last time I kissed her.. she didnt feel anything.. no chemistry...

Well I was trying not to be too affectionate, I really wanted a good kiss.. but I was afraid id scare her off... being too pushy, trging to move too fast...

Damn it.. wrong thing.. should have kissed her like I wanted to and showed her I meant it.. in stead of the quick peck.. ,

Cant go back now...
Im screwed..

Just friends..
:p

R 5/20/13

Snoozing

You snooze you lose....
Yes well... got the msg... call me.. I need to talk...
Lets just be friends...im not feeling the chemistry. .
No g ou are jot because ive been holding back.. not wanting to be pushy or the rebound guy.. my mistake...
I thought it was going so good.

R 5/20/13 2:52a

Last night

Oh yeah, I forgot told post about last night....it was a good night.. asked about going out, decided on going over...
Mimosas and rock band..
I should say great night.. just hung out and enjoyed each others company.

Talked a lot and played rockband for the first time..
I suck..
But it was a lot of fun and id do it again..
Cudled on the couch for a lil while.. but not much of anything ..
I said I like her and she asked what do you like about me...
I said she was Interesting... and I have always been interested...
She giggled... so I added I like her lil giggle... she said really? .

Yep..I do.. I noticed it a little while ago... .

Thinking I have to call her and talk to her. I like the way she sounds.. texting is so impersonal.. but. It works.. the delay is acceptable..
You can leave a msg and wait for the reply.... a bit more convenience.. but.. got to get to the phone.. its better... old school.. but to a person that deals with technology every day.. it might be nice to try..

Note to self.... try calling.. :)

R 5/18/13 11:43p

testing to see if you are getting sick of me

Way too early for this.. but it seems like its that time..
How annoying is it gonna be if I want to spend my free time with you?

I am taking it slow for a reason, because I think I have to, I may be wrong, and may miss the mark,
I may take too long, and you may think I am not interested.

I am, I just dont want to rush it, it has been rough for each of us the past few months and we are good together, as far as I can see.

But, trying not to be a pain in the ass.
I'm 'Intense"
so I am told.. but with good reason.
If I like you, I want you to like me too.. sometimes its just not done at the right pace.

My bad..

I hope I can figure this out someday..

Before I scare all the good ones away..

:(

 OK, its just being tired.. not a blow off..
(stop jumping to conclusions.. your gonna fall off the cliff)

I am good.. for now..
Time will tell..

R 05/18/13 10:30p

Am I

Well I have to ask myself.. what am I doing.
Am I setting myself up for a terrible experience?
Or one of the meaningful relationships.. one of those that teach you about yourself.. I am not too old to learn more about myself ..
Really I am hoping it will work out and be a lasting friendship and all that.

I am going to be optimistic..I like it and hope it will get great.

R
5/16/13

Date night

Wednesday.
Date night w/B. Beautiful as ever. Beer and natchos. I was more interested in talking and looking at her than eating.
We talked and talked. She talked, I talked. We played some pool and foosball. Fun and laughter, lots of smiles. Just a fun night. :)
And our first kiss. 2 actually.. just light kisses and lots of hugging at the end of the night. She was hugging me.. I was hugging back. :)

Finding more about her. And she asked me how old I am...
I paused.. and asked if I should lie to her... she said " dont ever lie to me or cheat on me. "
So I told her, she said her mom asked her, and she didnt know. So now she knows..and it don t seem to matter... :)

I am happy. ( ISTBA stay away! ) ..

Let me get through a Summer...for once...

Wondering.. how fast to move.. trying to pace and be slow..dont rush.. she just ended a bad thing..but she appears to be done and ready..but.. I dont want to rush it.. want to see if it will work. Want to be sure it is going to work for her.

We could be good, we seem to be a good fit.. time will tell..
Damn I am feeling happy.... :)

R 5/16/13

Friday

Thinking over it a bit.
Really enjoyed it.. no long awkward silences...plenty to talk about. Very comfortable. Two way conversation.. not just one doing all the talking...
Plus she was dressed up, really pretty, as always, but I know she dressed up to come out with me!
It was an effort not to stare..
I know others noticed how beautiful she is.
:)
And she was out with me! (Gloat)

I know she has plans this weekend, nephew staying over, and mothers day on Sunday. So I dont want to intrude on family stuff.

But its not easy, I want to get to know more of her and let her find out about me.

Time .
R 5/11/13

one night out

hello again..
Well I asked yesterday if she wanted to come out with me on Friday.
She agreed, and didnt cancel.
She even asked if I still wanted to go out!..
Liking that!
But to be a tease, I responded with "Nah, I dont feel like it"
waited a few seconds and then sent " just kidding.. Of course! "
She replied.. "too late already in my Pj's"..
I sent a Frown and she also said she was kidding.. and we met at OTB.

It was really cool and nice. She looked amazing.. Dolled up and pretty.
I felt good, knowing she was out with me..
We talked and ate, I had my steak and she had just cheese sticks..

It was really fun, and we got to know more about each other.
I did tell her I really like her and would like to spend more time with her.
I did remind her I have a few rain checks to cash in, 
I am hoping it wasnt too much,  but after she got home, we talked about going to the movies soon.


We will see..

R
05/10/13

Not

Well the wait was blocked.
She cancelled, but we chatted for about an hour.
I mentioned, she has given me a bunch of rain checks.. and I will cash them in...
She seemd to like that I am persistent.. if not. 'Intense' so. Ive been told.. some people just cant handle ' intense' ... I think I am just committed. . Not need to be committed. .

She seems like she can be a lot of fun.. I am hoping we can figure that out.

Backeast..has been holding me at arms lenght.. and I dont know why.. I didnt do any thing other than be me.. intense that I was...

I have been trying to get more than a good morning out of her. Its like puling teeth.. I didnt stop ...
It is what it is..

Anyway.. trying to take the next step..

Not holding my breath....

Just hoping..

R 5/04/13 11:48p

Lets see

Wait and see.
It would be a nice thing..
But I just may have to wait


R5/3/13 7:49p

Not my fault

It is not my fault. You left me, for what ever reason, I know it was a good reason, but because you are gone, does not mean you have to be more distant.
You know I care, I know you care, even though you refuse to acknowledge it to anyone else.
Now a month gone you choose to not chat.
You limit your contact to only what I initiate.
It hurts because you cant say goodbye.
If you are moving on, it doesnt me we cant be friends.
Or at least friendly...

R 4/30/13 7:40a

Bye for now

So, to relieve the drama, she has deleted her facebook. So that means no more posts or msgs. Unless I text her.
So I did this afternoon with my other phone.. asked if she was ok. Said I noticed she deleted her fb. She replied I dont know who this is.... I explained I was on my other phone.
We chatted a bit.. she was feeling down.. and was at her parents for dinner. But apreciated the concern.

I dont know when I'll Be able to chat again, I did mention for her to let me know if she needed to get out.

She has not typically contacted me... to go out... it has always been me.. asking...

But. You never know...

It would be nice..

R 4/28/13 12:13 a

Finally

Yes I finally met with that friend for a few drinks.
Only been since January..
But , it was her breakup/I'm single night out.
There was a underlying theme...
I am single, I dont want a boyfriend, I dont need one.

But I was there as a friend.
It was still nice to be out with her and her pretty friends.

I went well except for the mini asthma attack.. but even that ended with a lil hugging. :)

I'll hug a pretty woman any day!

Again I think it went well and hope we get to do it again soon.

No contact from E, except friday 'good morning' , then a question ...
Could she use me as a reference for job apps.. I replied certainly.

No facebooky posts today.. but I had a few last night, stating I was out with friends......

Not sure if that means anything.

R 4/27/13 4:59p

Wait

Wait...
I wait...
I wonder...
I want to know.

I need to stop.
R
4/25/13 11:00p

Eventful

Bar fight...
Interesting and tense.
Cold cocked a drunk. And his girl didnt let it go...
But ran offense for a bit. And each left.
After words. But they left.

The rest of the night was quiet..


Finishing my drink and going home to sleep...

R
4/21/13 1:25A

Sat. ISTBA!

Well, im here and doing not much.
Missing you as usual... but nothing can be done about that.
Listening to the drunks sing.
Trying to just be without thinking
As hard as that can be...

I have been thinking about what and why..
I know it meant more to me than to you..
Intense.....

Waste of time as usual..

Story of my life.

R
4/20/13 10:40p

W A I H

Ok.. im out looking for something... not sure why.
I should be home. But I said id do the pickup thing.
So I am out at a different place looking for that person I met before.
Not here, I should go to where I am known.. and just wait for the text.

R 4/19/13. 10:22p

Time

Well I am missing you....
I dont know if you care...
You never talk to me directly.
You have to hint..
I dont get hints
I would much rather you came out with it.

Never gonna happen.....
But...I have to wonder..

Istba....
R
4/18/13
1:05a

Oops

I just opened my blog prg and found the last post not published yet..

So moving on..

I texted you today...
And now I see more posts, hmmmm

You replied to my 'good morning beautiful' with a 'good morning' , but that was it.

Anyway.. the day moves on...

Still miss you.

R 4/17/13 3:29p

Testing

1.2.3...
Ok..I am not delerious..
I noticed that since I havent texted you for the past 2 mornings...
Your relationship posts have all but gone away..... hmmmm.

Still not sure who those are for.

Do I go a 3rd day? Will you text? Im guessing not....
You are still playing games with me...am I missing some important hint...

Dont hint at me.. its not working ..I dont get it.
Either you do or you dont..

Its really not up to me.
I feel as I feel, not much has changed.. more doubt..but not how I feel..the question is what do you feel? Or what will you allow yourelf to feel ?
.
4/15/13

R 4/15/13

Sleep

Much needed.
Alcohol induced..
Sleep
L

Had a few conversations, about the stuff in my head..
Feel better, probably the Jameson and the blackberry brandy shots..
But I am glad I could talk.

Now I need sleep... shots are kicking in...

R 4/14/13

Still here

Well, bored now.. weird night. Dont know what to do.
Got to figure out what I did before.. been almost a year. And now it feels empty. Nothing to look forward to at night.

ISTBA my old friend.. you are back. Gee thanks.

I guess I deserve it for being so ' intense '..

I will never figure it out so I should just stop trying.. its what I did. So long ago.. and it didnt help then.. prob not gonna make a difference now..

Go figure..

ISTBA.

R 4/14/13 12:49A

Time apart

Well I am unsure what to think as usual, I read what I see...
And wonder. What is directed at me? What is for me to ponder.
Am I kidding myself and it really isnt for my benefit.. is it to make me think or does it have nothing to do ithme at all.

I see that its obvious that I am seperate from everyone else.. never a coment or any acknowledgement of anything I say..never.

I wonder what that means...
Does it mean I dont (never) mattered?
Or
Does it mean I am 'special' and cannot be acknowledged publicly. ..

It is hard to decipher. . I dont know what to think.
Most of anything recent ia all about relationship and being apart.
It is far from random.. it is directed at someone..
But I dont think its me.
I am not getting any other contact beside what I create.. then its limited and short.
I have left several opportunities for contact to be initiated from her but it never happens.
I have to keep the contact open, I dont want to lose out by falling off the radar but I think that may be the next step.. put it on her.... see if I really matter.
Been there before.. and lost out...
She still owes me... but it will have to wait.. I think I have to back away. Let her get on with her new/old life...
I dont think I play into it any more, if ever...
It is and has been what it has been... I am treated very differently than anyone else...

Out of site and out of mind.

Miss you.

Back to my drink..

R 4/13/13

Back to the old grind

Well been more than a week..
She has been busy, we havent talked much. I miss her, but she is there and I am here. If she dont seem like keeping intouch..

Hmmmm

R 4/8/13

Saturday suprize

This morning, got called 2x by the operator at work...4am and 6am...
So, I tried to sleep in. Got up at 10:30a .
Got a text from my roomate at 10:45..then right after..... a phone call from E!

She explained they got home after midnight, and went to sleep right away.

We talked for a bit, she had to go, V was ready to leave.
She said we can chat later.

It was nice to hear her voice.
R 3/30/13

Gone

Yesterday I helped pack. Said goodbye. And she left.

I knew it was happening, I knew it is as it has to be.

I will miss her and all her confusions.
I will miss being able to lay next to her.

I wont miss the games she felt she needed to play with me or with herself.
I know she cared, but didnt know what to do about it.

"Goodbye to you..goodbye to you..bye bye baby..so long darling..goodbye to you.."

R 3/27/13

Had to visit

So after thinking it over..
I decided to go over and talk.
I feel like a jackass. I over thought the situation.
So I apologised.
I am sorry I overreacted .. I feel like a jackass...

I understand you have friends and they want to say goodbye..

I know your leaving in 5 days, and you know how I feel, I just want to spend as much time with you as I can before you leave.

Im sorry.

Im glad you let me tell you, I feel better.
I know im intense but as I said, that is how I am.

I am going to miss you.

R
3/23/13. 6:45p

How to handle this..

Last night was... interesting .. only word for it .

Fireball shots... thanks Andie and Jeremy..

So, after not getting any answer to my text, but 2 hrs later, saw the result.
And I didnt know what to do... so I sat with Andie.

She didnt acknowledge me at all.. didnt even look my way.

So I had my 2 and left, met Andi and Jeremy. .

If we are 'friends' as she said today, why no hello or a wave like every other friend gets..

I know she answers everyone else when they text. She is in her phone and on facebook when we are out together..
But doesnt seem to see my texts at all...
I dont know why I am treated so different.

It looked like a date.. she did her hair.. and makeup.. looked good..

She made the jackass comment yesterday morning.. and made hangover comments all day.. and said she might just stay home...

She did that before.... when she was seeing David.. made a few excuses why she would not be around.. 'girls night out'
.. 'staying in tonight' ....

I am that stupid.. I WANT to believe her...

5 more days.. and she will be gone..

I dont need more pain to go with that...

I dont know what to say to her..
I dont know if she will talk to me..
I dont want to text it..

I am whipped. .

R 3/23/13

Long week

After work Thursday, got a text saying she was out.
I went out too, had a bite, and a few and 2 shots.

We went home, had a beer each and fell asleep...

Woke up to take kiddo to school, went to work for 3 hrs, then went back home and crawled into bed for an hr, to cuddle.
Got up still hungover.. both of us.. we didnt drink that much.
She did say she was a 'Jackass' but wouldn't explain why. And told me to drop it.....

I felt better later, she still dont... prob wont be out tonight......

We will see, I am hoping to see her, she may be leaving sooner, and I have not seen her much.

Its gonna suck when she moves away.

R 3/22/13 7:56p

St. Pats.

Well had plans to go to a new place w E,
After Andi got off work. Texted. And got no response.. asked later if she wanted to have a beer w me.. and she said she was there... so I went and found that she already went to the new place... and got dropped off after.

Anyway, she seemed happy to see me, we ate and had a couple, and I dropped her off at home.

I texted today and asked if she wanted to have lunch with me. We did and it was good to see her as usual.

2 weeks left.

R
3/18/13

Still doing good.

On 3.
Behaving
Sitting as far as allowed .

Not bugging.

Enjoying myself.

R 3/17/13 12:16a

Here we go

Birthday party.
Lots of friends.
Was reminded not to get upset because she is not there with me and will be hanging with everyone.

Understood.
Its not about me, its her birthday party.

I will behave.
R
3/16/13 8:34p

Expected

Not expectations.
Just as expected.
Not a bad thing, just is what it is.

I am. Ok if I dont over think..
My down fall.. thinking, it used to be my strength, it would help me get through any thing.. now it digs holes for me to trip myself. ..

I am too insecure In my personal security.. I do ok. But I can go places I dont need to be.. I just have to stop overthinking.

Easier said than done.

But tonight.. I am ok.. I wont try to dig any holes.. and trust what I know, and not worry about it..
The next few weeks need to be fun and happy..

R
3/16/13 1:06a

Yes but no and maybe

Contact in the morning.
I asked if she was coming out. She reminded me she didnt have any money to spend... I said I wasnt asking her to spend her money.

She said she wasnt sure..
I said.. ill ask you later.

I finished work, went for dinner, and texted to ask.. she said she already was out.
I finished and met her.
At first she really wasnt paying any attention to me. Kinda annoyed me..
I asked you out, im paying the tab, and your ignoring me..

The girl between us left. And then she started talking.

It was her birthday at midnight..
Someone bought a round of shots.
I bought a round of shots.

She was feeling them, and came ho me to sleep.
I got up went to work and came home at 9 and brought her a coke. She said she was gonna sleep a while.

I went back to work.

R
3/15/13

Information

I am always seeking the truth.
I need information to calm my brain.
I do not like mis-information, lies, half-truths, or anything that steers me in a wrong direction or thought.

If you want me to think about something, give me the facts. I can figure it out.

If you tell me nothing.. I end up in all the wrong places.

R 3/14/13 11'08a

Dunno

Yep, probably overreacting.. I didnt think it would still hurt.. I guess I am fooling myself thinking it will go easy when she leaves..

Its gonna hurt.

R 3/14/13. 10:33a

Arrrrgh!!

My mind hurts.
I see what you say, and have to wonder ..
I hate it when you leave me out of the loop I assume you are doing things that I dont want to know.

Ouch...

R 3/14/13 9:33a

The rest

Well it brought rest. Sleep. Up early enough.. but nothing. The night had no contact either. Out to F&H and home. "I'll text you later" means not..

Cant expect every night.. just not gonna be around after 3 more weeks..

Life goes on...

Miss you already.

And you missed it because I dont have to get up early again. And the roomate is out of town ....

R
3/13/13 12:39a

Monday

Yep, dinner, called in when not on call, then beers and shots. Now to many.. an uncertaintity.
I have to works tomorrow, but.. we will see what the rest brings...


R

Out and back

It was a nice night.
R

Al co hal

Yep my friend these days
You dont realize how hard it was to post this.
Autocorrect was not helping..
I am done. And will be going home. To sleep it off.

Really hard to type.
Lots of corrections.

Good night.

R
2/10/13 1:40a

Yep.. sleep

Ok.. yes she must be asleep.
Didnt answer my texts..
Its ok ..
Out having a few.
Maybe ill sleep too.

The weeks are going by.. and I will ride it out..
Like I said.. I allow it.. if its happening.
I am not the idiot I appear to be.

I have feelings. . And can be hurt. But trying not to suffer for caring.

R.

Tattoo

So, no night job thurs. Went to L's award ceremony. Met E at OTB, as plannned. Talked about her new tattoo. Said she should go home, needed ointment and sleep. In the end. Decided to run home and get her ointment and come to my house.
Got home and called me to say she could not drive back.
I offered to come over and did.
We had a beer each and I fell asleep.
She was sleeping when I left.

Nice.

R 3/8/13 7:03a

Tues.

I didnt think id hear from you. .
After asking if you wanted to go to lunch with me..you declined.. and said maybe we will meet after work.
I mentioned $2 beer night..
I didnt hear from you at my usual quitting time...
So I figured you went to sleep.. so I went for $2 beers.
You did text and said to meet you in 30 min .. so I was there within 45min.
We had 2 pitchers and you asked to come home with me...
Other than the unexpected thing cutting our time short and leaving you in pain and crying, and me feeling helpless.

It was not what I expected at all....
R

Death..and loss of a loved one you never knew

Well, here I am, full of regret.
I never got .... scratch that.. took the time to get to know my mothers sister...
Today she died.
I only have a memory of a picture, and a brief phone conversation when my father died..
It hits me hard to know she was my mothers youngest sibling.
I hate dealing with death..
Not my best subject..
I dont know what to do about it. Its not something I can fix ... I have to accept it..
And it sucks..
I wish I had made the time to get to know her.
Regret.. time slipped away...
I was thinking a few months ago, that I should go visit her and her husband that I have never met.
Now its too late.

:(

No wonder no one wants to keep in touch.. I suck when it comes to family..

R
3/4/13 9:47p

New blog tool

Well lets try this..
The original was having trouble posting all the time.

So, minimal contact so far.. but too early to ask, but if I want to see her, I should.
Even if its just for a beer or two.

We shall see.. I already said id shuttle from fountain.. about 10 or 11..

That may not go over too well....

Hmmm...

R 3/3/13 6:37 p

So far..

Going ok..
Helped moving boxes.
Got a text, later... met and drove a friend home.
Went back, finished the night and came home.
Up early, dropped off, started dinner.
Will text later...

R 3/3/13 9:46a

Is it...

K.
Who are you texting?

Dont go there...

R

Changes

Well that was a 180...
So after a day, got a long email apology.
Basically said we've got 5 wks to spend time with each other.
Last night we were out.
Public  display of affection was allowed. And it was a good night.
Stayed in bed till 11. 
Had a quick thing before we got up.
Went over to help with the boxes and brought them lunch.
E is going out early with Remee and will prob meet up with me later.
I expect she will be interesting due to drinking early..
It will either be she will be happy to see me or preoccupied with something else..
Not holding my breath.. we will see.

R 3/1/13. 4:52p

Well that sucked.

Last night sucked.
I was asked out, then warned, then invited, then ignored, then left in the cold, then dumped.

Made a fool of, and hurt.

Now back to being ignored.

I know we are not a couple.
But an hour before, you were being ignored, and chose to let me in..
Offered for me to go home with you, then once he was paying attention, you had to get rid of me...
So piss me off, play the game, tell me youll text, and leave with him.

Dont treat me that way, dont get my hopes up then, forget all about me.
You make it hard to be your friend.

You had plans, things for me to do, things for us to do. And now...
Where are we...

None of that will happen if you dont say your sorry.

You have less than a month....

R
2/29/13 3:39p

I ll text you ...

You never do.. I as m a sucker. You know it.
I fall for it every time.

Damn.

I am a jackass.

R 2/28/13 1:34a

Dumb ass

Thats me.

2/28/13 12:30a

So how long should I stay..

Now I feel stupid.
I didnt come here to be alone.
I dont know how long to sit here.

Yeah, ok...

So, getting a dose of my own..
I tried to be cool...
Got out done..

Oh well.

I suck at these games..

I need to walk away and not look back.

Dweeb.

Lol...

Jokes on me..

R 2/27/13 10:46p

All about...

Well that was a bombshell.

She lost her job.

All things falling apart.

She has to go back east now.
She didnt really want to, but now cant stay.

As I said, back to just friends.

We hungout and then fell asleep.

She asked if I could still help with the move. I said I could if I get enough notice to take time off of bby.
Not sure if she is flying or driving too.

We will see.

She left at 9:30a and it started to snow.
I called off of hhsppr.

R
2/24/13 10:04a

One more time

I was getting ready to go out. Stoped to watch a movie.. then pull the clothes out of the dryer. Grabbed my phone off the charger.. checked it.. 10 min before got a text.

Apologised for being a bitch lately.. and stated she needed a friend and to get out of the house,  and a drink!!!...
I asked if she wanted me to pick her up..
I thought she was working...
The reply was shed let me know.
I replied I was leaving for the bar.
She replied ok...
Must be at work still....

We will see what its all about.

R
2/23/13 10:03p

Can I get a manual for this?

I doubt I will figure this out. Even a litttle would be nice..
I got a text wednesday night..
Asked if I was working.. asked what time I was getting out.. asked if I had the truck.. said she was at otb if I wanted to hang out...

i said I was gonna check on L and probably switch cars because it had been snowing.
I went home and quickly shoveled the driveway into the El and got another text .. if you have beer we could go hang at her house, because she really couldnt afford to be in the bar. I said ok and was on my way.

I got there had 2 and got some food and shared it. Then we went to her house.

We sat and talked about what was stressing her and listened to music and finished the 6 pack. It was after 3, by the time we went to bed.
We slept and got up about 10, I went home, shoveled the driveway again and changed and went to work by 11:30a.

She had an overnight on thurs, and after bby I went to OCs to start my mini tour. After I decided to stop in otb to ask Andi about reformatting her computer. And E was there, said the truck was moved to Fri. So we had a couple and I offered to get something for her to eat. And finally a shot for each.

When we were leaving I asked if she wanted to come over, she declined, stating she should go home, had things to do in the morning and such...

So I guess we are back to just friends.
Better than not talking to eachother..

So its Friday, ive had steak with L and came back for a bit..

All as it used to be...

R
2/21/13 10:10p

Wednesday

Ok life is a weird as can be. I dont know what is coming or going.
I am stuck in the middle.of what I should be doing and what I want.
Instead, im chasing thosel that are playing the game I never learned.
R
2/22/13 1:29p

Had to..

So after seeing another post, I sent a msg.. "have you found someone?"

No reply...

So I text.. 'Hey'

No reply...

So I call...

She said she was on the phone...
After asking if she was still on the phone,
I asked whats up, is she seeing someone else?
Does she want me to back off?
She at first said no shes not, I said, come on I know you are, you have been ignoring me, you havent answered a text in 2 weeks.
She saod she has gone out with someone a couple of times...
I asked again if I need to leave her alone, I will. She said somethi ng about it would be awkward if they were in the bar together when I was there.
I said it would be better if you told me.
We dont have anything permanent going on.
She mentioned that 'if' she was leaving... I said so now its 'if' ..
She explained her mom may not get the financing to get the house.. so now shes not sure..

I asked if she was seeing Dave. She said no never. She was done with him.

So I left it with, you know this hurts, I miss you, I miss talking to you, texting and contact. But, I left it at that.

I have removed her notifications from my facebook. Shes still on there, but no longer will notify me of her posts.

Moving to the back of the room..
Shutting up,
Sitting down.

R
2/19/13 3:49p

Got a lot on my head, must have been you..

Cant forget about you...

The Cars.. song in my head...

I dont like loose ends.
You dont like endings.
Its very obvious.. thats how you are.
You move on, and refuse to close a previous chapter..

Just in case...

It sucks for me, cause I dont have much to fall back to. I wish I could just let it go, but there was a lot of effort to try to make sense of it all, and trying to let it become something.

You mistook my generosity for trying to do something it was not. Then it looked like you were taking advantage. Then you got weird about it and didnt want anything from me. If I have it, I share it, its that simple. I wasnt trying to 'buy' you. Just giving freely, it was recriprical, I was very happy to have you in my life, and it hurts to be diacarded. Especially with out a good bye or a get lost or even a let me do this.

Well, got to get you off my mind, its starting to cloud my judgement and getting me down. Just got to figure out how. Im not on call this week, I have my car, I should take off. Drive to clear my head. Wish I could just run...

Responsibility.....

R
2/19/13 7:02a

Now what

Ok, I 'think' I know what is what.
I am probably wrong, but ill go with it for now.
She is seeing someone else, and dont want to tell me, probably afraid of hurting me again.
Shes doing it anyway...
The truth would hurt less.
But, got to realize this is because she is leaving, and dont want to keep after a dead end, just start a temp relationship with someone she can leave.
But, we have unfinished business, and cant sever all ties, it wouldnt be any better.
So, here I am, in my head, with all this crap running through it.
Gonna miss her, even though it has only been what it was..
I dont get her because one minute shes picking out my shirt to wear the next day, and then shes ditchng me.

I miss the daily contact, but I have to back off.. let her be.

I can try moving in a different direction, and hope that leads to a friendship with someone who cares and will allow me to care about them.
Probably too early for that, but one can hope.

We will see what happens in the next few days.

R
2/17/13 7:13p

Saturday again

Here I sit.
Alone, by myself.
My fault,  I didnt text..
Because, your not answering me anyaway....
So, ill have a few, and go home.

ISTBA. has returned to me.

R
2/16/13 9:58p

Definition of Lies

So, tell me you havent been out. Bullshit. -- Saturday --- Wednesday--
tell me you have had a lot on your mind, that is why you dont text..
Bullshit.
tell me nothing is wrong Im not the ass you are.. well......

This hurts so much, cannot describe it,

STOP lying to me.

The truth hurts so much less.

Why do I put up with it.. You know why.. Damn it.

I am too needy.. too desperate.. Damn it...

Someone hit me upside the head, Wake me up,
give me something else.

I hate this feeling.

Used, neglected, desperate.

Loser.

good night, before the alcohol wears off.

R
02/16/2013 1:37a

Lies

Just half truths.

Yep, Crows feet and wrinkles and grey hair..If I was rich like a Rock Star I'd have a buff body because I'd be in the gym with my personal trainer, instead of working 16 hrs a day. Or maybe I should take a 18 mo vacation to just work out every day till I have a buff bod. Then I could be an ass and the girlies would not care..

Had a good night, with an old friend, and ended up not feeling that bad to be so alone.

One can hope.

R.
02/15/13 2:04a

Feb 14

Happy Valentine....

To all of you that have made me wonder what this was supposed to be about,
To you that have taken all I have to give, only to say it wasnt enough,
To you that allowed me to give my heart and soul and then laugh and crush me,
To you that heard me pour my heart out defining my love for you , just to say it was never enough,
To you that never believed I would do what I promised, and accomplish what I set out to do,
To you that left before I fulfilled my expectations and dreams, with or without you,
To you that took me for what I appeared to be, not what I truly was or became,
To you that took me for granted, and never believed I could surpass what I was, and become what I am today..

Happy Valentines Day..

I hope you have found what you want, and or what you deserve.
I have always been there for you, and probably always will, you may never see me again, or talk to me again. 

That is on you, I have always been who I am today, and if you really took the time to know me, you would realize that. I cannot dwell on those of you that chose to move on, and may or may not regret it..

I remain, the will that I was when you first met the real me. I do not hate, I just may not Love anymore, because truthfully, some of you have been harsh, and mean and cruel.. Thank you.. you made me a better person.. I now know, if I didnt then, how not to be.

Remember this, because I know I have told you in the past, If you need me, I will be there for you.
If you chose to use me you may not like the results.

I have forgiven the worst of you, and you  have moved on, because that is the way it should be..but even the one or two that hurt me the most, will always have my attention if it is needed.  I am and will always be that way. I have proven it. But don't try to take advantage of me, because know this.. if you think you can, or have, I know and I allowed it..you didn't make me.. I did it maybe because I thought I could help you, or I could help learn never to treat someone as you have me. I care, but not to a fault. I love you all.. and probably always will.

Happy Valentines Day to you..

R
2/14/2013 1:00am

As far as i know

As far as I know, I have done nothing wrong.
If the non-responses are because she is being obediant.. or faithful.. that makes no sense.

If it is because I did not offer any options, its because you made it so I couldnt.

If its because you feel guilty again of being a 'jackass' your words not mine.. why punish me?

If you dont remember saying you were being a 'jackass'.. and are again... sorry I guess I am just thick.

If something in the 3 month schedule has changed, you would think tou could explain it to me. I want to know.

But, since you wont answer me..
I guess ill never know.

R
2/13/13 3:41p

Just occured to me...

Ok, maybe im overthimking this (who me) it has been 2 days since you posted anything, or answered ant texts..
I s
Assume you have been in contact with him, probably by phone.. and dont have time for me or anyone else.
But when your with me, you cant stay off facebook or texting or even calling people.

Am I to assume I mean that little?

Just finding my place in this..

I do not deserve this type of treatment.

And You know it.

R
2/11/13 4:14P

On my mind

Yep, its been on my mind all day.
I dont deserve to be lied to.
I havent done anything.

I get your confused/torn about how you feel. You wont \ havent let us get any closer, for what ever reasons.  And now this.
I can only guess that what I think is how it is. And with you leaving, it dont matter. Not to you.

I was told I was being foolish. Not following my own advice. So shame on me.

DUMBASS

I guess ill wait for the explanation.

I will forgive, because that is who I am.

R
2/10/13. 2:30p

Smarter than i should be sometimes

I guess I am not as quick as I could be, but I do figure it out..

Not Jackass. but Dumbass

She has been lying to me, and playing me.

I am gullible and here to be used.

I just hate it when i am right.

Saturdays are his, Fridays and Tuesdays are mine.

Not sure if he gets any more.

Dumbass.

I hate being lied to.
I begin to doubt everything I am told.

I am giving up. 

I dont deserve this.

DAMN

I feel really bad, used and hurt.

And I know she wont talk to me about it.

Ache in my heart.

I got nothing....

:(

R
2/10/13  2:40a

A mind is a terrible thing...

Over thinking again.
Got some info today,
And now over thinking.

He lives here now...
Every sat she is unavailable..
Mind is going there..

It was mentioned that he contacted her. But just in passing.
I sort of ignored it.

Maybe I should have asked..

Naw...

Just need to be forthcoming...

Spell it out.

Maybe thinking too much . Probably nothing at all..

R
2/9/13 11:08p

How do you know?

Ok, past history...
How does one know if your not being told the truth?
Doubt..
This seems similar...
I hate not being able to trust.
I should, but my mind goes places..
Totally unfair.
I can accept the truth.
I actually prefer blunt cold hard facts.
Less pain when it comes down to it.

I can get over the truth, lies, even when your trying to spare my feelings hurt, and cause doubt.

We will see..

No more on this topic for now.

R 2/9/13 5:19p

Here we are

No need for the stress.
Moving to the here and now (at least for the next three months)
All is as it was..
Was able to finish the late night at work early. Go to see E , had a couple
We came home and talked about a lot. And I see that it is as it is.. nothing short of me going to PA.
We know that cant happen for a while if at all.
In that time I maybe out of the picture.
Still dont know how the feelings are..
Are feelings being allowed, listened to..or supressed, ignored...
Which puts me in that limbo state.
Am I allowed?
Im told I am a bit intense, sometimes...
Yeah, I know...  but I did go from not wanting or needing anything... to yes, its worth going after...
So ... now im intense...
I know you dont know what you want either.
Or more likely know what you can have.

R
2/9/13 1:37p

New phone

Yep, the last one finally died. No video. So, new phone, ..it must not work.. I sent a couple of texts and asked a few simple questions, and got no replies, the phone must not work ..
R
2/08/13 8:11p

3 months

So now that io have scared you off...
I see that all I have done is for nothing.

You give me facts..
Nothing to be able to change.
This is this.. and that is that...
Not like I can suggest anything..
Even if I did,  the way it was presented, if I was to suggest, I would look like thbe selfish asshole, making everything difficult, down right impossible....

I could make you a very happy person, and you would do the same..

Hmmmm..

Good night..
R 2/06/1am

Sunday

Yep got a call, came out, had a few.
Was asked.. ina round about way..
Now not sure what is gonna happen.

I can hope.
I always hope.
With the possibility of her leaving.
I don't know how do figure out what to do or feel.
I asked if I can visit..
But its too early..
Too many details to be determined.

She did mention she could stay with me, but because of the roomate...

Bummer.

Not sure.

R
2/4/13. 12:09a

Weeks

It has been a few weeks since the last posing,
Lots going on, but the latest is more like the norm.
This week was long, and Friday was fantastic.

Lots of concern and uncertainty, if things go a certain way, E may move home, and since I don't know how or where we are I don't know if I can feel about it.
I will be sad if it happens, but happy for her because she will be home and near Hers.
We have not talked about it..
Not sure if we will. Its in her court.

We click, when she let's it. 
I could (should say already) start to like clicking with her.
A lot could be expanded on our relationship, but it has to happen with a push in the right direction.

Well out with me..
Gonna have a couple..

R
2/2/13 10:11 p

Your choice

Ok,
You choose to treat me this way...
I feel like shit.
And that's because of how you are acting.
I did nothing.
And feel like its my fault.

You saw my jacket and drink..

You chose to sit away ..
See what it got you.

I'm done.

Good night

R
1/26/13. 12:42 a

Longer week

Yep, too attached,
Puppy dog effect,
Done got my nose smacked with a newspaper!

That's how I feels.

But, enough going on at works to keep me real busy,  equipment breaking, new equipment arriving, installing new stuff, cordinating the construction, and scheduling repairs.
Work2 same bs, but got on task, damage control and repair work, and elearnings..

Beer nights and mini tours, and steak night.

Fix a few things and got paid for that.

Paid a lot of bills, and prep for sat.
Not sure, either shrimp or brazillian...

Trying not to over think, and stress, but sometimes I just can't help it.

Shut up and drink...

R
1/25/13 11:03p

Been a week... Jackass

ok,
So who's the jackass now..?
I guess this time it's me.
takin my turn...

Not sure if I over stepped, or didnt do enough.
I hate this feeling of not knowing what i am doing..
Is this the right thing to do, or should I back off and play like it dont matter to me.

it does...

I just dont know.
I should quit. back off, get my stuff together and stop the torment.

I understand i am too much sometimes. and situations make you uncomfortable,
Some of it just cant be helped. some can, but some of it you just have to accept and like it or leave it.

I am not gonna win here, no matter what i do, I should stop.

stop!

Damn. I suck at this, I wish somewhere it would get easy, or i'd get a break, I haven't done anything to deserve this kind of treatment, Nobody wants the nice guy..
story of my life...

well, I went home, and gonna try to sleep, with all this in my head.. yippe.
I suck at this, I always have, i cannot be a friend and a lover, it gets in the way.
one or the other.

it may not even be me, but it does not feel good either way.

:(

I guess I'm trying too hard, I think too much, I read too much into actions and words, I cannot interpret.
I dont know the language, I am helpless.

ISTBA!

Got to get back to being alone and just doing for me, pay off my bills and escape.. 1 more year.. I can go.
no one will understand, but I need to 'be'..
not be for anyone else, just me. go back ... way back... no one remembers me from then,
free, uncaring, busy, and no happier, but not unhappier.. just me.

ME

sometimes it was lonely, but, I fixed that, and was never alone.
SMILEY.. that is what they called me.. not grumpy or crabby, or desperate..
Even ISTBA left me alone then..

soon.. I don't deserve this.. Karma you owe me..

There are places I have never been, it is time to go there, and I should stay.. I wont be missed, and I can start over, be what I was, and no one will care. Those that know my misery will understand and be happy for me.  Those that don't, wont care,. and probably will never know.

There has always been someone important to me, that didn't get me, and didn't understand what they meant to me, and with that didn't care about me. When time passed, forgot about me. I didn't, but that hurt is done, and I cannot do anything about it, and am not sure I want to. I'm sorry for them, because not many found anything better, or realized what they gave up, but I cant go back.. it's over and it was not my fault.

I'm hurt.. and feel this way, and am pouring it out.. I was there for you, and dont know why you don't see that. I guess it really don't matter, Just hurts.

But, I always said, tell me to go away, and I will.. not because I want to, because I said I would.

Now, I suppose, if I stay away.. it will be my fault.. like last time.
I have always said, I never hold the cards, always someone else.
Fear of the unknown.. and knowing doesn't lessen the fear....

Hello 2013..
you look familiar..

R
11:51p 1/21/13