Been a week... Jackass

ok,
So who's the jackass now..?
I guess this time it's me.
takin my turn...

Not sure if I over stepped, or didnt do enough.
I hate this feeling of not knowing what i am doing..
Is this the right thing to do, or should I back off and play like it dont matter to me.

it does...

I just dont know.
I should quit. back off, get my stuff together and stop the torment.

I understand i am too much sometimes. and situations make you uncomfortable,
Some of it just cant be helped. some can, but some of it you just have to accept and like it or leave it.

I am not gonna win here, no matter what i do, I should stop.

stop!

Damn. I suck at this, I wish somewhere it would get easy, or i'd get a break, I haven't done anything to deserve this kind of treatment, Nobody wants the nice guy..
story of my life...

well, I went home, and gonna try to sleep, with all this in my head.. yippe.
I suck at this, I always have, i cannot be a friend and a lover, it gets in the way.
one or the other.

it may not even be me, but it does not feel good either way.

:(

I guess I'm trying too hard, I think too much, I read too much into actions and words, I cannot interpret.
I dont know the language, I am helpless.

ISTBA!

Got to get back to being alone and just doing for me, pay off my bills and escape.. 1 more year.. I can go.
no one will understand, but I need to 'be'..
not be for anyone else, just me. go back ... way back... no one remembers me from then,
free, uncaring, busy, and no happier, but not unhappier.. just me.

ME

sometimes it was lonely, but, I fixed that, and was never alone.
SMILEY.. that is what they called me.. not grumpy or crabby, or desperate..
Even ISTBA left me alone then..

soon.. I don't deserve this.. Karma you owe me..

There are places I have never been, it is time to go there, and I should stay.. I wont be missed, and I can start over, be what I was, and no one will care. Those that know my misery will understand and be happy for me.  Those that don't, wont care,. and probably will never know.

There has always been someone important to me, that didn't get me, and didn't understand what they meant to me, and with that didn't care about me. When time passed, forgot about me. I didn't, but that hurt is done, and I cannot do anything about it, and am not sure I want to. I'm sorry for them, because not many found anything better, or realized what they gave up, but I cant go back.. it's over and it was not my fault.

I'm hurt.. and feel this way, and am pouring it out.. I was there for you, and dont know why you don't see that. I guess it really don't matter, Just hurts.

But, I always said, tell me to go away, and I will.. not because I want to, because I said I would.

Now, I suppose, if I stay away.. it will be my fault.. like last time.
I have always said, I never hold the cards, always someone else.
Fear of the unknown.. and knowing doesn't lessen the fear....

Hello 2013..
you look familiar..

R
11:51p 1/21/13