car parts woes

Ok..could be my fault..but the rest of the parts arrived .. so after work I put the car in the garage, jacked it up.. all 4 tires off the ground. Took the wheels off.. started taking the front brakes apart.. found the brackets rusty, so wire wheeled and painted them.. pulled the calipers and rotors off . Installed the new rotors.. grabed the freshly painted brackets..and tried to install the brake pads... Hmm they dont fit right.. they are a bit bigger than the old ones.. i thought i figured it out and tried to mount it ..the rotors are too big for the calipers . .. wrong parts! Pads and rotors. .. wrong! ..

So i had a better used set of pads from Pearl.. so i put the old rotors back on and replaced the pads.. i was gonna put all the new parts back in the boxes..but checked the rears.. which were the ones that needed replacing.. they were correct.. so i did the rears.. it was too late to go get new pad for the front..so I dod the rears.. got them all in.. pumped the fluid and called it done.

Now ...do I file a return and see if can get the right set for the front..ot just buy the right set and see if they will refund the wrong ones.. it would be costly to return them...they are heavy.

For now.. it is good.. could use a new set of pads for the front.. the rotors were not that bad ..

...

So.. off till Tuesday.. I start my on call on Monday..but dont have the duty tech phone till Tuesday when i can get it from Jason...

I am going to visit N for New Years.. she moved it to Sunday.. I suggested coming up late Saturday..get there after she gets home from work..and have all day Sunday and leave Monday afternoon.. but, she suggested I come up Sunday.. I agreed.. we will have New Years with her friends.. and we will see how it goes.

I hope I can find how to start the new year ..in a good place in her heart.. 

She did say she wanted to see me as soon as possible!

Yeah ...I have my on-call weeks.. after the 1st.. 

But, if im needed, I will ask Todd to handle it till I get the phone on Tuesday .. 

..

On another note.. I have not heard anything about the job apps.. I seen another posting for a similar job yesterday..it has a different req number..so I applied to it as well.

I am expecting a call ..asking me to come in for an interview..with the new manager.. 

.. as far as future retirement and money goes. I should go back.. fight the traffic and bank the cash..build the 401k.. and plan for the next 5 years.. County is not going to help with retirement.. if I can go back..I can fix that..and level out my income..and hopefully revisit my time and time off..

And my schedule will be more in line with N's.. if they give me my old shift..

Wednesday through Sunday..

Monday Tuesday weekends...

... Maybe I can ski again..

....

So.. I have to ask myself..

Is this renewed interest..

Did someone come to my side..or did my round trip make a difference?

I did it because I was asked..relied upon.. and I could.

Im glad that I could!

..

I hope it is all good.

..I still worry ...she may ask me to appear ..so she can tell me to go away..and not bother her anymore...

I hope.. not 

I really want this to get better..and More.

It is what I want. To find that person..the one that I can make happier.  The one that makes me happy..the one that can be happy with me..in their life..

That would make me happy..

.. I am too old for games..and plots..

Come clean..I want to make you happy..with me.. in your life...

...

I know ..a tall order..a major request..but really..do we need any drama?. I dont..

Hug me..kiss me...

Make me feel needed..

Ask me to do something..

That is what I need

..

To be needed.. to be useful...

That can encompass many things..

Ask.. you will be pleasantly surprised.. or more....,..

All I can say..is ..trust me...

R

not yet

No recap yet..

Been busy, work has been good. 

I ended up hurting my self breaking up the concrete. The next day, I had a severe migraine.. I felt it coming on.. so I took some Advil, got the hot pak and got into bed and watched some video.. and as the tunnel vision kicked in and the sharp pain behind my right eye ..I went to sleep..

I woke and still had the head/eye ache.. my shoulders hurt. I slept on the couch for a while, then made dinner.. venison chili! I made a huge pot..it cane out very good.. 1lb Venison, 1lb beef. 

Then after dinner, I took a shower and took a walk.. I walked till my hips hurt. Then back to bed.

..Tuesday.  back to work.. Todd had Covid the week before.. and was back...masked ..but back. We worked on issues..and got some stuff accomplished.. 

The brake parts arrived...half of them.. I had to put in a claim and reordered the missing parts..on their way..

.. 

N went south.. her travel was high stress... But made it safely..

We texted through most of the stops in the air travel.it was nice.

She sent me a couple pics of the Florida event. 

She looks so good.

..

She left for home yesterday at 4. I texted her at 12 to see if she made it home, was still driving..she texted me after 1 to say she made it home.

I did not text her today..i hope she was catching up on sleep..but probably working..so i didnt want to be a pest.

R

holiday weekend

Ok . Made it to Saturday.

Slow start .. kinda deliberate.. but got my laundry done and groceries. Made it to Home depot.. got a big hammer and a chisel.. and gas for the 3rd car.. chipped away at the concrete.. got more to do, but it got cold and dark.. more tomorrow..

I can get the pipe in.. but need it to be deeper to keep from breaking loose again. The original pipe was rusted.. I should be able to reassemble it..and maybe add some concrete to sure it up.

. 

The new brakes will be here next week, I will have to get them installed.. then.. the new car should be good for a few months.. I can drive it more.. 

Been planning upgrades ... Not necessary, but could be fun and interesting. Of course as money and time permits.

...

If the new job presents itself....I could do more.. and use it for travel.

..

2024 is a Mini Takes the States year..

Maybe we could do it ...some or all..

That would be fun!

Just a guess..the route may be seattle to San Diego...or north Dakota to texas...

Got to wait to hear the route ...

...

So, I start my on-call January 1 for two weeks.. fun...

A way to start the new year.

..

I need to find a gift for L.. turning 28..

I have an idea . Just have to look for it.

..

I have no idea for J..on the 31.. none

.

I think my next post will be my usual yearly recap...

R

Day off..2

So, I was up a bit early. Answerd a text.. made coffee.. took a long shower. 

I was able to get my hair cut!  Finally.

And I had a coupon for a free carwash...so got all the road grime off. I was able to stop and get creamer and coconut milk. Went back home. Forgot to go to home depot, was gonna get a concrete drill bit.. and a pipe.. for the gate..

And I needed to get gas..

So, made lunch, paid bills and went out for gas and pizza for dinner.

When I got home I realized I was really tired. So I ate and took a nap. 

I guess it caught up with me.. I slept 4 hours! 

I have a shopping list for tomorrow.. I will get the rest to make Venison Chilli.. maybe a big batch?

Gonna do 1lb of Venison and 1lb of beef. Kidney and navy beans stewed tomatoes, peppers and onions, one or 2 cans of italian tomato sauce.. and a can of paste.. seasoning..  and simmer in a big pot.. maybe make some vegie fries ..maybe..

....  

So . .. N seems to be having a good time at her daughter's.. and I hope she is relaxing. 

It was so good to see her . Even though it was less than a hour.. she looked good, even as stressed as she was.. weather and guest and no power... She looks good.. but really good in lantern light.. I was happy to see the earrings.. and they really sparkled in the light.  She said her daughter liked them too. 

I am so glad I found them.

More glad she likes them.

.. 

I am happy that she asked me to help her. Also happy that I could and did. 

..

I must say . .. I still want more.. I am hooked . .. can I keep on? Can I find a way into her heart? I am looking.. 

She is a strong woman.. I like strong women.. I am strong too.. but Im not obstinate, not demanding.. I want to share.. be a part.. help with my strengths.. and not be a burden.

Im not rich or gorgeous.. but Im not poor or ugly.. I think I have a good heart and a good head on my shoulders.. I could be a help and an asset . Im not Superman, but I can do a lot and not afraid of some hard work .

...

Yes, I have obligations..but ...I allow most of them . ... L is a grown adult..and can fend for herself if I let her.. she is comfortable letting me do most of everything.. but will rise to the need, if I cant. J is really not my responsibility.. and L has chosen to help her friend . They can deal with it if I dont. 

Time for changes.. new year and all .

Lets see if I can make a few positive steps and ease into the next few. 

...

I really want to let myself ...

Its there.. I just want to see if its reciprocal.. 

Stop hinting.. give me something positive.. 

If you do... Tell me..show me..more..

It is there.. I feel it.. 

You can.  I will. 

Will you? 

I dont think I have to beg.

...

Next time ... Hold me ..longer.. let me kiss you.. look me in the eyes.. show me.. 

I can do all that ...and much more.

Can you let me in to your world?

Do you have room?

Distance and time are all relative..

It can be overcome.. 

If you want it ... I do.

Really..you have not scared me off yet ...I dont think its possible.. I dont want to give up.. does that help? Does it mean anything??

.. 

Of course..I wont stalk you. But I also wont go away unless you truthfully tell me to.. if you mean it.. I will .

I will be sad.. but .. wont be a pest.

..

My broken heart will heal ... eventually.......

Lets not go there yet .

....

Miss you.

Really.

...

R

change in weather.

Today is the first day of winter..

Last weekend was warm, nearly 60 degrees..then we had a rain/wind Storm..all up the coast . Hurricane force, but warm..ish..

Now, its cold.. and the holiday is next.. I took Monday off.. and tomorrow, Friday, off. I have Monday off for this holiday.  

..

I did make a instant trip up and back, by special request. I did it without question.. why not? It was so good to see N and be able to help.. I think I was the only option.. she knows I care.. I hope she knows I would do almost anything for her.. 

...

She seems happy to have her time away. .. to be able to spend time with her daughter and family. 

..

She joked(?) That I could come with if I didnt have to go back to work..

And deliver the reason for going.

..

That would have been interesting..

..

I hope we can spend some time together next year.. maybe rebuild this or start fresh . .. 

I do have call from new years into the first week.. but have new time after that.. unless I get my old job back.. then its all new-ish.. but I would make time.. I can hope...

..

So, tomorrow... finally I plan on a haircut.. and maybe fix the broken gate.

R

time..

As you get older, time is not really your enemy, it just is no longer your friend.

We used to wait..for time to give us what we wanted.. now we hurry to try to get what we want before its gone  or no longer available to us. 

I can remember waiting till I was old enough to drive..some things time had to catch up with me.. I was smart and talented. I had to wait till I earned respect to be able to truly be appreciated.. I never made the grade as far as relationships went. I realized early on, if I could not spend time with my desire ...they would never understand me.. it would never be instant..I had to invest time.. and hope they let me take the time for them to know me.. which usually was not the case. I was never handsome enough and not smooth enough to bluff my way into their heart or head. 

If they were not interested enough. ..I never stood a chance. 

Of course, times change and what is desirable changes.. I remember a brief moment.. where everyone was looking for the geeky tech type.. it was really short lived.. times change..

I have had other challenges though my time, usually distance was a factor.. mostly availablity.. but I think time...in its many flavours.. is my worst. If I cant get enough time.. I will fail. I have before and even now.

...

One issue.. I wont be able to log enough time at my present job, to survive comfortably.. in my future.. so.. what can I do? I cannot expect to rely on my youngin to support me.. i think that would be unfair.. 

I expect in time..she will leave.. go on her own and not expect me to worry about it.. even if she dont..she hardly makes enough to support herself..let alone me and my expenses..

... Time won't fix that..

I have worked all this time to get here..and to not have to work..in the future..does not seem possible.. not living how I am.. there will be changes.. I worry about being able to be comfortable ... Yes, I understand that there will be changes . Budget adjustments.. spending changes..

But.. without a pension or retirement account..Social security dont seem too secure .. I have a few of those things.. but no fat account to live off.. I expect to work after retirement..if time allows.

Time.

I expected this half of my life to be different.. I really didnt plan for it..I just made my daily decisions and provided for my own . I made life changes for the good of all..but with limited future planning . I did..plan..but only the minimum requirements.. this last change.. the timing was right..but the decision..for the future..was poor.. we survived the pandemic..and stayed healthy.. but the political environment changed, inflation looms..and taking a major cut in pay..now hurts..

We are safer..time has passed ... And I think it is time..to change again. Back to a monetary plus..since I have no real personal life to worry about.. maybe time will allow me to fund my retirement accounts and bail in 5 years.. go back to work, drive, eat sleep,work...repeat.. my bills are limited to spending.. groceries, fuel, utilities, mortgage, and cars.

My toys and radios are somewhat self supporting.. for the time being.. 

..

It took 2 years time to deplete my cushion.. I think if I get called back, and take the old job.. in 5 years time i will be ready.. 

... Scale down.. and enjoy my remaining time..

...

Too old to do much of anything else...

.. probably still alone...

But , been here for a long time.. 

...

Well, thats all the time I have for now..

Not really, but seemed a good way to end this.. 

..

Maybe I can pull myself out of this funk.. and kick times ass and keep on....

..

R

half way

Middle of the last month of the year.

I took a couple more days off.

So i have a long weekend this weekend, and a longer weekend next..

Then im on-Call through new years.

We are supposed to get our last July raise next week..with retroactive pay back to July1 and maybe the $500 bonus. We got our clothing allowance last pay period $750..

Taxes took most of it..but it should help with my tax return this year..

I havent calculated what the gross raise and retro will equal..but the raise is just over $1 an hour.

Then a couple weeks into next year we should get another $1 an hour..going forward.. then maybe a yearly raise mid month.. maybe...maybe not.. could be another $1... 

Even with that.. about $9 per hour less than I was making 3 years ago...

So, all that in consideration...

I did apply for my old job.. I got a call from the Chief.. and he asked how serious I was.. I said 8 or 9 out of 10.

He said Naveen also applied.. and suggested when I get an interview..to go..meet the new boss.. and he inferred..they would probably hire Naveen for his old job.. and maybe there would be an opening for my old job, cause the current guy isnt working out. 

.. so maybe not this month.. maybe January.. February..

I am leaning towards it.. 

Even at the old rate.. I could make it work. Hoping for an inflation increase.. gas and all.. 

My car is nearly paid for . .. I could buy a newer one.. with better income...

..

If I got back my same shift.. id be working 7:30a to 3:30p Wednesday to Sunday.. with OT as needed..

I could do that for another couple, to 5 years.. and retire with cash and a bigger 401k and SSI..  

The travel and hours wont matter.. I have done it and if the car survives, and if I can pickup with the same vacation time.. I could afford to take road trip vacations and figure out how to not let work dominate my life.

Maybe even get to Ski now and then.

L will have to adjust , J will be on their own to get their stuff in order.. 

Not mine, not my responsibility.

If L wants to help..good for L.

..

If it all falls down.. I will figure it out..and survive.. 

I could get a second job till I dont need it.

..

Really not wanting to do that ...

Too old.. 

..

Radios are still good..but lately been slow..few and far between..

..

Shifting topics..

I dont know where I am with N.

We still text.. I have not tried to call again.. Im not that important to keep the phone on so we can talk when we set up a time to do that ... 

Yeah.. Im down here and she is up there.. 

I would go if I was invited..in an instant.. I have given up asking if I can ..  I never could handle rejection..

I tried..but.. I am glad she still responds to my texts.... eventually..even if it is only for a few replies.. I still want to try... 

Unless im told to stop ..

..

I dont think she will tell me to go away and leave her alone..but ..

For some reason we cant make it work.. I wish we could..

I tried a little many years ago..and didnt feel there was interest..and this time..I think I was persistent..and convinced her.. reluctantly.. and I failed the tests.. missed the signs.. didnt take the hints.. 

All those things I am so bad at...

She was so forward..in the beginning..then..not.

I had to pry my way in..and being me

, felt..I wasnt doing enough.

And probably was not.

...

I dont usually open myself up..I dont allow me to decide to attach .

When I do.. im in..and devasted when I am wrong..which past history is.. I am wrong ... Always...

More wrong than right .

History repeats and I end up sad and alone.

Well... Welcome to December 2023

...

I wish I could get a break..

Im not a bad guy.. just burned too many times..

R

memorial

Good by to those who have gone.

We were all around the same age..

Distance seperated us and one by one , they left.

Its sad. Some I new only in class.

All those years ago.. some were my friends.. some I never knew..I knew of them. 

I will never forget the tee shirt with the big screw in a big U.. and the teacher asking if you had a doctor in your family .. (it looked almost like a surgeons icon.. I think snakes around a sword) ..Derek! 

Mortality.. a scary thought.

Im not 20 anymore.. I have so little to show for my life. 

And im still alone.. I think actually I have been alone since before I graduated high school.. lots of near misses..too many..you thought you were happy.. surprise!!! 

I have L.. disfunctional as we are..

Yet, we are better than any other relationship I have ever had with anyone else.. friends and family included... But, we are not the same..as we were 10 yrs ago..

... Its a matter of time... 

Here I am..trying to work through the details..with no plan.. not like me ..

But ..almost all my careful planning fails.. and I end up having nothing.

.

Honestly.. if I can stay in a relationship with someone who hates the idea of being with any man.. for 20 years..and be blissfully happy for at least half of that.. and cordial at the remainder.. 

Why cant I find a person who can let me be happy . 

Im not looking for bliss..just a place to be happy. 

No adversity..working together for mutual happiness.

...

I guess, im not allowed that .I never have found that.

..

Tonight.. I saw an old friend and his wife..they have been married for 40+ years.. high school sweethearts.. still together.. Wonderful and amazing...

I am very jealous.

No, she isnt skinny and young-pretty anymore..but everytime I see them..she is happy and he is glad they are one.

It is a special thing.. I am happy for them.

..

The two marriages Ive had, I was duped..one was using me..and the other was fooling me and herself and everyone else..

I survived..but..lost all that time to learn what to do...and how to do it.

So now I am doomed to not ..

I do not know..what to do, when to do it. I am lost..and do not expect to learn how to fix it.

..

Im just ... Me

I guess..it isnt enough.

For anyone..for me.

Welcome to the end of 2023.

...

Sixty years of this ...

...

Thanks for allowing me some consideration..

Its more than most have ever given.

....

R

here i am

Ok.. just me .

I have too few friends.

I know a lot of people..and alot of people know me..

Partially...

I guess..  i have one more friend.

...

Yes ..  i fu(kd this up.

As i always do with something good..

.. yes, i overthink everything..

Plus, I have been beaten down so much ...its only apparent when I look back and see what I did..or didn't do..

I used to be pro-active.. always doing stuff to its full.. always the gentleman..open a door .. walk on the street side of the sidewalk.. defer to the woman. Always ask her opinion.. let her decide..but make a decision if i needed to.

Offer my help.. my talents.. go over and beyond without being asked.. 

Offer my advice and knowledge, to help..

But..the last 20 or so years..I have been told it isnt proper anymore.. strong women dont want to be catered to.. dont want my advice unless they ask for it. They can do it without a man..

Of course, being married to a lesbian for 17 years didnt help me with that at all.. 

So, slowly.. I stopped being that guy, the man I was.. the one I was comfortable being, how I was raised..

It was fine, because a few people would allow it or ignore it.. out dated as it was.. but a few that I was really close to, outright told me to stop..

Break all I know.. let them be..they dont need me... 

Now..all these years later..Im not allowed to be who I really am..

..

Yeah, corporate jobs also had a lot to do with it as well.. 

No, you cant tell a co-worker that her dress is pretty, or her shoes look good.. your new hairdo suits you or I really like those boots...

Sexual harrassment...

..

I put that in the same category as..you don't have to walk on the street side..you don't have to protect me....

..

In a new relationship I am over cautious..and end up not appearing interested enough..and it is my demise.

I like strong women ...I am not attracted to the helpless ones..

But, that comes with problems.. 

They usually dont want my 'help'..

That is what I do..I help..

So, where do I fit?? 

Finding my place is always a challenge..

Also with a strong woman, you dont want to take over when they ask for help . You dont want to offend.. 

You like them because they are independent...but want to help them be independent.. support..but never demean.. 

Appreciate what they know and suggest solutions when they need it.

Never take over unless they ask..

But ...they won't ask.. 

Its a fine line..

I always mess that up.. i dont know if they want me to take ownership of the issue or just suggest..

I have knowledge..and skills.. but..

Now im afraid to make the suggestion or recommendation, because if im wrong.. its gonna be my fault.

....

I guess that is the problem with being attracted to that kind..

..

Which is why..here I am.. in the place I am.. 

Just me . 

No future . No loves..

Wants, desires, wishes.. but nothing for me.

,.........

Hey, welcome the the end f

Of the year 2023

.....

So to mess things up to the next level..

I have applied to my old company for a job...

They are still looking for techs..

I hope the money is still good .

Since I have no reason to not work myself to death.. before retiring..

Lets build some cash cushion..put some money in the SSI.. and refund the 401k.

If i can raise my income by 20k..a year. I can work for another 5 to 8 years.. and get out .

Maybe..

The shift may suck..but who cares if i have no life, no free time..

I have no one who wants me in their life.. L is dependant..but is working..J isnt doing anything..really not my problem.. except im enabling them, and paying for them to live in my house.. L is paying a lot too.. supporting J.. 

But, mortgage, food,and utilities is on me..

....

Im not a happy guy..

I was...

...

So ...what to do now..?

Persue..or let it be ..

I tried to call..

Established a time..

And ...

No

..

Did she just not want to let me persuade her.. 

..so turn off the phone...

Make me worry...did she not make it home..

How will I know??

Should i call for a wellness check....??

No..if the phone rings 6 times, then disconnects.. its because the phone is off..

I still called from 8:40 to 10:30 

Every 5 minutes...

..

So..as always..I don't know what i did wrong.. did or didnt do..

And without a confirmation.. 

Not sure where I stand..

..

Do you hate me??

...

Is there hope for something later?

..or do i need to leave you alone?

Like i did so long ago..

..

No answers . And no chance of ever asking the questions..

...

"Lets be friends" 

The killer response..

End of it .

..

I suck!

...

Know this.. no difference to the status quo..

...

R

first day..

30 to go.

December is never a good month for me. Its the end of the year.. and assessment is pending.

I need to look back..and see what I need to learn from all that was this year..

Will the mistakes.. the things I did.. and the things I didnt .. teach me anything? Can I do better next year? 

I know I have made many mistakes.. some I am sure I have still not realized.. some I have chosen to ignore..many I wonder why the choices I made ...did not seem to matter.. those things I tried to do that didnt help... I am still where I was in January..with some exceptions..

The exceptions that I think matter to me, dont seem to help me feel any different.. and the other exceptions.. I wish made me feel better.. but lately the doubt..has pushed its way in.. and I feel lost. Truly alone.. 

Personally.. im ok.. not sure what I should be doing.. Ive been waiting to be asked.. or even to have a suggestion..but I feel im in limbo..

I have committed..and want that commitment..but.. im not sure where i stand.. I have conflicted signals..

My terrible mind is raking me over the coals over and over.. I don't know where i stand..i know its not where i thought i was.. i feel its much lower.. 

I have no proof ... Just how i am interpreting.. that will always send me down the wrong road.. 

I know I cannot assume I know where I am..I always choose the worst or the impossible.. never what it really is..

Even though I try for daily contact.. I am only getting part of the story.. leaving me to have to interpret what I see.. and alway..I am wrong...

I try to be optimistic..and succeed for a bit.. then if I think about it more and more, which I do.. I go down the other road.. and there the doubt, kicks me.. 

I suck.. I dont deserve to be happy, I will be alone, and no one cares...

Seriously.. I have been hurt , really hurt so may times.. and no one really cares.  Yeah, I invited some of that into my life.. hoping and looking for something I would not find.. and didnt... 

I spent 20 years.. trying to make sense of a relationship that should have ended before it got started.. and yet I kept trying.. even after I knew ...

So.. here I am.. older no where near wiser.. and feeling alone as always...

Now.. ive made job changes, and feel im on the road .. to disaster.. I have 5 maybe 8 years left of work.. and need to figure out how im gonna survive.. I know I will need to downsize.. and try to find side work..

And maybe see if L will be able to keep a roof over us.. but .it wont be this one.. I can barely afford it..she wont.. 

If the market holds..I can sell ..move and downsize..

I don't think she cares where she lives..her skills are unappreciated..and not realized..

Maybe, I can sell for $400k to$600k and pay off the existing and have enough to buy small and have only the utilities and expenses, taxes and insurance..and food and fuel.. 

But..

I am here ...now.. and not happy.

That is not where I want to be.

I have been here for so long..

It can be hard to go to anything new.

I do try..

But i know ...im not the perfect guy and I dig the holes I can get out of..and wonder why.. 

I have not given up..

But I would like a sign ...to tell me if it is worth it..if im not a fool..if I can find a place where i can be accepted. . Allowed .. 

Honestly..if its over.. tell me..

I will go away...lick my wounds..and hope you will still be my friend... 

..

Thats it...

I need to know..

Do I wait.. should I wait..

I will.....

But .it does hurt..not knowing..

I do more damage second guessing and trying to interpret..

..,

I guess...I suck.

R

almost December

Yep, last week of November.

I made it through into the next decade. 

Yay me .

turkey week

Well,i made it through the week.

Had Thurs off , made dinner at 3pm.

Baked ham, yam casserole with marshmallows, seasoned green beans, cranberry sauce. 

Put away the leftovers and did the dishes and cleaned up the kitchen.

Then we decided to go for a drive to Newport. 

We did the ocean drive, around through the Mansions, then back home. Had pumpkin pie. 

That was it.

The next day was Friday, and i had to work. 

I was able to get the cell router working, but not the software..

Sent an email and called it a day.

Of course it was pizza night, and payday. So i paid bills.. 

Then worked on radios for a few hours.

Got up early.. went to Plymouth for groceries.. finished fixing my radio.. then we went to dinner. It got cold..

We took the grey car, i used it for groceries too.. it seems to be running pretty good.. its really smooth on the highway. It is also really quiet. 

Im not sure if the catalytic converter is cleaned out, but no codes today. 

Also no codes on Ls either since i changed the O2 sensor..been a week! 

I was thinking tonight,since i wont be going anywhere soon..and i need to use 3 days of personal time that i will loose next month.. maybe i will schedule service visits for the cars.. 

Take the days to drive to the dealership.. get them checked out and winterized.

I think Pearl needs and oil change.. and mine just a look through.. and the grey.. needs a coolant flush and a once over and the service intervals set. 

...

At least the unused vacation time is enough to roll over to 24.. 

And the comp time will be paid out .

And the unused Sick just continues to add up .. 

...

I was looking at a tool i need to get to attempt to fix the engine for the red car.. either that or i may borrow Glenns... I was also rethinking straightening up the garage and setting up a workbench. And organizing the tools.

Really just stuff to keep me busy .

I have been digging out old broken radios, and going through them .

I am also considering calling that Solar company and getting that setup.. should have done that in may..but . .. got busy.. or should i say preoccupied..

If i call them now, they probably wont schedule till next spring anyway.

...

Maybe by then my raise and back pay will come ...

I have said so many times..i should have stayed in Dedham.. id have the excuse to be too busy to do anything.. and have the money i had.. i could have worked through the management changes.. and i was already used to the traffic and the drive.. and not having the weekend with everyone else..

I should not have bailed.. 

Yeah, this job is easier..and less stress..but $20k less this year...

The benefits suck.. i wont qualify for the pension.. i have crap in my 401ks.. and SSI will have to do..

I have thought about selling the house, and finding some cheap place elsewhere.. if i can sell at current rates, i could afford to pay off the mortgage, and walk away with enough to buy a place outright, and then retire.. but if i wait too long . .. those opportunities will go . The mkt will drop, and the cheap places will all be gone .

And i will be here.. 

...

On the bright side..

My car payment is nearly done..

The student loan is close.. another couple years ...if L doesn't just pay it off .. she has paid $6k on it this year! 

...

I did lower the house insurance, and paid the refund back to the escrow, and had paid in an extra $600 a few months ago.. so hopefully the reassessment in February will lower the montly payment.. else i should do the solar and sell out.

..

So, thats my financial woes..

Not too bad .

It would be better with the old pay..

I did look at stations in Providence..

Nothing posted.. i have been out 2 years . .. it would be tough going back i think.. then as close to retirement... Probably not a good prospect..

I dug this hole.. i guess i have to sit in it......

...

The past 6 years.. have been misleading..

I thought i was finally getting my due..and that fell flat .

I listened to suggestions and left a high paying job, to avoid unemployment..which probably wouldn't have happened.. i probably could have applied for my boss's job when he left..

I moved with the expectations of a new home and a nice future..to be sidelined by doubt and mistrust ..

I rebounded..and settled into an affordable place with the good job..

And i listened to nay sayers and left for what sounded like a nice slide into retirement..only to find, the dividends were not there..and the economy collapsed..inflation took over and i had spent all my extra money paying off all my debts..with the expectation of earning back my cushion.. well my debts are gone..

And inflation has raised my mortage, insurance and taxes..food and fuel and utilities are all double.. any extra, is more than double.. here i am.. waiting 6 months for the promised raise.. and just not comfortable with my monetary situation..

... I will survive..but .. i was done.. pinching pennies..i guess not.

Well tax time is next.. a couple months.. maybe it will help.

..

Personally.. im lonely.

I miss N.

Not sure she misses me.

I looked at pictures and a calendar.. 

It has been a while.. 

More than 5 hours away...

(I do it in 4)

I was hoping that i she would like me as much as i do her.

,....... delete.......

I am not sure if i fucked this up ...

I probably did .. and i wont know..

Since time and work wont allow it..

She wont tell me.. probably sparing my feelings . .. or hoping she will change her mind..

I thought she was upfront and not one to play games.. but several times she has told me she would be unable to have me up, when she really had a ln issue with something i did or didnt do.. i got her to tell me..but it was tough.. so now, i wonder.. 

I dont want her to drop me.. i would love the chance to fix what ever i can... I know how busy she is..but i want in. I want to be with her . 

If i have messed this up..let me fix it..if i can... Not allowing me to be with her is not helping.. it just leads to more doubt.

..

R

small success

Better than none at all...

I was able to get the connector off the O2 sensor and heat it up and get the new wrench on it and broke it free.. i installed the replacement, gave it a test drive , so far so good.

L took it for a drive too.. fingers crossed. That leaves the grey car.. im thinking i will have to replace the catalytic converter..

At least its still driveable.

.

..

The rest of the day was, weekend chores, groceries, laundry.. diagramed a circuit for an answer to an email. Cleaned up the leak from the dehumidifier.. 

I think i may need to take it down and maybe get a new one..or just shut it off for the winter...

...

My on-call ends on Monday.

Then not again till the beginning of January.

...

It has been a quiet weekend so far..

I have a few tasks left on my list ..

If its not windy or wet tomorrow..i should do the leaves again .

If im feeling ambitious, i may pull the catalytic converter off the spare motor and check it.. its probably 10 bolts to pull . .. i should clean up the workspace in the garage if im gonna be doing much in there.. its a bit cluttered since pulling two motors and one install, and the other maintenance.. i did clean out the metal parts to the scrap yard. And rearranged a little.. but i have boxes and old frame parts that should go too. I need to build or get a workbench and better way to organize my tools.

I have a dismantled desk in the basement, i could clear a space for it and use it as a bench.. maybe put a extra top on it .. i could mount the vice and move the grinder up from the basement.. 

Then.. clean and arrange the work area in the basement... Pitch all the empty boxes and junk that has collected. Maybe look for some shelving.. 

...

Yeah, i got plenty to do..

I should vacuum tomorrow..too.

..

R

delivery

I was happy to hear she got the box .

She said at first that she had not opened it. 

I told her it was her birthday presents..

The next morning i said good morning and happy birthday.. 

She said she liked the gifts and the card.  I like that she said gift was so.. her..! And the set was beautiful, And the card was funny. 

I was hoping it was all that. 

I am happy that it was well received. 

I did put some thought into it and found just what i thought she would like. 

Im sorry that i could not deliver it personally..but i was able to get it there on time.

:)

The end of this call week has had its issues.. a midnight call out.. because a fire department radio was keying on tying up the channel.. really bad.. but we got it killed and the radio showed up the next day . ..uh this isnt working..... 

Remote lockout is a good tool.

That day we had another.. issue we had to lock out another radio.. one that was supposed to be destroyed a few months ago.. and someone was using it . ..hello.. hello.. is this working???... 

Bam! Not anymore!

We had a console on the end of the Cape go down during an electrical outage caused by exploding helium ballons!! But before we had to drive down and hour ..it corrected.. but im ready.. i have the spare part to replace if needed..

Finally.. i hope.. 3:30.. had someone..IT.. disconnect some equipment in the service bldg.. i was sent to go reconnect it and get 3 county systems back up and running..i drove out . .. the IT guy was still there . .. he said he was reconnecting the equipment as i came in.. so i called dispatch and we tested it and finished disconnecting the old equipment...

All good.. i got back and logged an hour OT.

So thats 5 hrs OT this week...

Nice.

But i still have the weekend to get through.

...

I did buy the wrenches i need for the O2 sensor..and I figure out how to dismantle the connector, so i can get the new wrench on the sensor .. hopefully i can break it loose.

Get it changed and get no more codes so L can get the inspection done in Feb.

Still have the issue on the new car..may need to replace the catalytic converter..with the spare..but its driveable.

.

I still need to schedule some time off so i wont lose it .and still no raise..

But i did get the insurance refund and moved it into the mortgage Escrow..and hopefully the mortgage won't go up again.  The new insurance is $600 less.. so at least it should stay the same in 2024...

..

I need to look at my spending.. i need to scale back.. save some where i can.. i still need to look seriously at solar . .and a house generator..

I need to get rid of the parts car ...either put a ecm and an engine in it and sell it ..or part it out and junk it.

Or sell the grey one for $5k and wash my hands of it...

....

I wonder ...will i get to go skiing this year???

...

Random thought..

...

So next week is Turkey Day.. and im working till Wednesday..and then Friday..

No plans except cooking.

..

I wish i had something planned.. something to do.. somewhere to go..

...

Oh well ..

..

Miss you N.

..

R

end of the week

It has been a busy week.  

Sorry to hear that N was not well. 

Flare up .  Which meant pain and worry.  I wish i could be more helpful.. i hope she realizes i care deeply.. and wish i could take away her pain. She asks nothing if me..i would gladly give anything she asked for if it was in my power.

I care ...i just am not sure if i can show it properly.

I sincerely hope she gets good info from the tests and can get the care she needs... Affordably. 

No surgery is affordable...but hopefully it will be what is needed for a long time to come .

...

I did send her presents.. it shows they were delivered on Wednesday.. i texted this morning.. and she only mentioned the dr. Appointment .

I asked after if she got a package..but no reply yet ..

I hope she likes it.

R

doubt...

Good morning.

Yes, i wont say doubt has crept in..it is just here. 

I cannot help feeling that im being held at arms lenght. 

Im not sure if it is because im not trusted..or if the timing just is not in our favor.

I really want this to work. I want to find a way to be with her.

Yeah , 5hours drive is tough, but i am willing. Yeah, work and home are obstacles. But isnt it worth the effort? Shouldn't we at least try to make those things a part of what we want. 

I am more than willing.

I liked her then, and the time after, and now.. 

Yeah, we can be friends..but can we be more? I want more.. 

..

It just isnt fair.. i dont know how to fix this doubt.. mine or hers.. 

...

My doubt, is that she has given up..replaced any thought of me with all she has to do. It was always there , i was just trying to squeeze into her very busy life. 

I understand why we do that. We let everything become the reason we get up.. 

We forget to let someone in, let in the happy.

..

R

working weekend

Not really .  Actually on call.

I just got a page.. informational..but i made a call and sent an email. 

.. thats it.. not even worth charging for .

The girl with the mini got her new part, and asked if i would come by and program it. I agreed and said Friday after work.

She said her dad asked if they should install it before i came over..i said yes. Early today(i was not near my phone, so i got the text after 2..) they put in the new module and everything was working! So i didnt need to program it. 

..

We worked on the bosses car, all day..in the garage.. my phone was up in my tool bag.. so i heard nothing.. 

..

I got my food and went home.. worked on radios.. and watched an ai movie. 

I have laundry the post office to mail a box and groceries and maybe deliver a radio and a microphone tomorrow.. then move some leaves and go to dinner..

..

Nothing going on..

Except in my over active head..

...

She adjusted for the end of DST.. and is working mostly afternoon/evenings..

... Maybe we could spend some time together...?? I am more than willing to help.. i would do anything.. 

I know i messed up.. trying to be to much the gentleman.. not pressing ..

Really.. i wanted.. i didnt.

I dont read the signs.. i think ..and later.. guess ..and kick myself .

Why cant you just tell me.. what you are expecting.. i am not like anyone else.. i am. ..but i dont allow myself to be that way..not without encouragement..you got to ask..not hint...i dont interpret hints..not for a long time after thinking about it ...

Yes, i do think about it all ..over and over..and over.. i realize ..i should have, could have..but..here i am .

...

I know i have messed this up .

I dont know if i can fix it..

But..i get a few encouraging texts .

But followed by..im too busy..

..

I would take time off..i could go up and spend time..

I have time..that i wont use ..unless i have a place to go, something to do or..to spend time somewhere i want to be....someone i want to be with!...

..

Yet . Here i am.. 

..

My savings are depleted..

I got a report from one if my 401k programs.. if i retire in 5 years.. i will get $145 /mo..for 24 years..

Oh yes!!!!! NOT! 

Yes, i have SSI.. and its good...if it survives..but got to make another 5yrs.. 

..

I have been looking at solar again..

I need to check where K works .and see if it is a good fit..

Maybe lease a system and get a battery system and a generator.. then sell the place and downsize...

..

A bunch of things i should be doing....

..

I need sleep... Not that i sleep good..alone.. but i need to try.

R

November starting

Here i am.. made it through the milestone.. 

Got a hug.. from L.

J said Happy happy.

Thats it .. 

Uber quiet.

All good i guess .. N didnt notice..

I asked if she was doing anything for her day . Just working..

I have a week of time i have to use before 12/31.. plus another 30 hours that i can carry over..

It would be great to use my time.. and actually enjoy not being at work.

I would love to just take a week and hang out with N .. help around the farm..be there before and after she got home from work..really spend time . Be helpful and productive and feel like a couple.

I wish..

I do miss her..i wish i could figure out how to fit in..

I need her..

I need to spend more time together..

I can hope..

R

dinner..

Made the reservation this morning.

Did laundry and went for groceries.. the car tripped a code.. i didnt have the scan tool, so had to wait till i got home.. 4 cat codes. Before and after.. cleared them.

Got a call from Glenn, his neighbour has a mini and is having footwell module issues, asked if i have the software to read it.. so i stopped by after i put the groceries away.

He was doing some engine work, a thermostat, and when he reconnected the battery it sparked and blew a few fuses.. after that the headlights  wont turn off, the windows wont go down and other things.. so i tried to read the module and it wasnt responding.. i could read the others.. so i suggested he buy a used module from ebay and let me know and i will drop by and program it for $30.

Then we talked about rallys and his daughter said she had heard of them.

..

So i got back home, and reassembled the parts car.. i had taken out the stereo and dont need it since i fixed the new car by replacing the Bluetooth module. So hat to put it back in and put the dash back together. ..

..

Then we left for the dinner reservation. Got there a lil late..but al went good. Brazilian buffet.. awesome.. ate way too much..

.. 

I have a couple radios to deliver tomorrow.. and should rotate the tires on Betty.  They need a cleaning too .

If im feeling ambitious.. i may pull the catalytic converter off the engine in the garage.. and see if it needs cleaning...or if i can use it on Ls car..

She may need it.. if not just the sensors. 

Since i cant get the sensor out.. it may be the best way.

Actually i should have did that this past week, L was off.. SMH.. well, if i do.. now we have a spare car.. if it takes a day or two.

...

Got a text this morning.. busy and tired.. so definitely no.

My on call starts Monday for the next two weeks.. i need to ask if she has birthday plans... And if i can come up ..even if its mid week .   Todd would cover my on call for a couple days.. 

If not.. im gonna have to mail her present..

I would love to give it to her .. it isnt much.. but it would be the first gift.

..

I also need to tell her the salve seems to be working . 

I knew it would. 

..

I wish i could help more .

I feel like such a burden when im there . Like she has to do things different because im there..

I just want to be a part.

There isnt much i wont do as far as helping out.. she should not be afraid of asking for me to do anything.

I have tried to say that, show that.

I don't want to be in the way..i know its difficult to have to explain how some things need to be done.. especially if i have never done it before . But, im willing to do it the way it needs to be done.

.. is it so hard to see that i just want to be with her? 

...

R

reservation..hgp

I guess I am not going anywhere this weekend.. call starts Monday..

The bridge work is done. I am waiting to hear if the bosses are going to change my schedule back to 8 to 4..

Been working 7 to 3 during the construction. Leaving at 6 to beat the traffic..been getting to work about 6:30..and sitting there in my car till i can clock in at 7. Not allowed to clock in early or late.. 

But now that the bridge is done, i can sleep in an hour and still leave by 6:30 and get there before 7... if they keep my schedule the same... Plus with daylight savings falling back an hour.. it will be easier to keep getting up early .

I did ask.. and got no response from the boss.. the supv..said he would let us know..

...

I asked about this weekend..

I was sure it was gonna be a no..she is still covering shifts.. i just want  one night and a day.. a few hours...

But i don't want to be a pain in the ass, i know she has obligations and responsibilities..and im just the boyfriend who lives too far away.

.. 

So, i will check in the morning for dinner reservations.. L and J want to go to Hyannis..

We could with out a reservation..but i will see if one can be made.

The project car did great last night out to The Cape and back..

No codes .  Running good.

Gonna take it for groceries tomorrow.. next i need a road trip..

A few hundred miles.. 

..

Now the question.. do i keep it.. or sell it.. i think i can get $5k for it.

Ruben just sent me a link for one ..$1000.. stopped working after it got rained on.. probably a corroded module.. could be a simple fix and not too expensive.. 

..

Im fighting.. i think im loosing.. i had a couple cool conversations.. then i must have asked the wrong thing.. 

And nothing..

I understand busy.. but.. no response? At all?..like i never asked a question..

I have been debating..just drive up.. time it.. and text and say im here, if you have a minute... I just want a hug and want to give you your birthday present.  Then hug and go home.

...

It would be worth the drive..

..

I hope it would show in really not giving up.

..

She had been stalked.. i dont want to do that.. i just care..and cant figure out why we are having such difficulties..

I must have screwed up and have not recovered..

.. 

The milestone looms...

Im ready.. but..it is a place i didnt think i was gonna be..im old..and 

Have made lots of mistakes..

Learned a bit...but..still not ..

Where i wanted to be.. a bit of regret..i was making good ...real good $$ , but since i decided to bail..for sanity.. i am on the verge of struggling.. not there yet . But less than 6 yrs.. or 2yrs..

... No .

More like 6.. at the current situation..

Maybe..i should look again at Providence...was paying good ...

Maybe portland???

..

I could sell this place for $650k..pay it off.. and still pocket $300k..

There are houses in NH and ME for $200k...Land J are going no where.. so if i want to move..they wont care.

.. i think.. i have done all i should.. but will continue..if i can ..

L is an adult.. and could learn to survive with out my support.

Im too old to be the sole means of support..

Im not.. and been weaning it off.. 

I think its one reason why i left Dedham.. less money from me

A bit from L.. and a bit more..

Not all from me

...

Yet..here i am worried about the electric and gas..

...

I don't know how to feel about Wednesday..

60..

Dont feel 60..

Don't want to feel 60...

Its too old..

...

Im old

...

R

hello November

So, November started cold and wet.

Today was sunny and cold. 

We finished the last TV install. 

I made a audio cable for work to use on a new PA system.

I also researched the wireless mic, to figure out why it wont turn on unless you pull the battery.. defective.. brand new.. needs to go back.

I also looked for manuals to change the settings on the new TVs ..they are too dark .

I found a manual and some settings to try.

...

The weekend is approaching.. 

I need to ask if i can go up for a visit..

Ia would like to see N .. i hope she hasnt lost interest.. 

We both will always be busy.. if we want this to go anywhere..we have to make time for us.

.. I was gonna ask if she had plans for her birthday? Plus i know thanksgiving is coming.. 

I will take time off if i can come up for her birthday.. 

Todd will cover my call if i ask.

..

No raise yet.. no insurance check..

I have a deficit in my escrow..because they paid both insurance companies.. i may have to put the cash back . And hope for a reimbursement check..

I need to before the mortgage co raises my payment..for am escrow shortage...

The thing i was trying to lower.....

...

I did get confirmation that i cant do any better than i just did..

Saved $600.. on the house insurance...

...

I had a minute...i was regretting leaving the station..

Miss the money.. the rest was manageable.. even the no time and long drives.. but id have Monday and Tuesday off... Since my weekend does not sync with anyone else...

..but it has passed.. who needs $5k a month??

....

The radios are done..the cobra, jeffs and the guy from Fall River..

Working on Rubens next radio..

I may have a solution to 2 other people's projects...just need to add the switching.. i have an idea.. 

...

I miss her.. N .. please.. make time for me.

...

R

weekend stuff

Typical Saturday.. it did start well, a good morning text to wake up to. 

Then started my laundry, L came in and thanked me for calming her down last night at work, and took the Clubman grocery shopping.

A couple cat converter codes, that i cleared.  Then pulled the passenger seat, no modules, cleaned and vacuumed under seats...found $1.40 in random change, also found a old mouse home.. cleaned it up and disinfected it and verified no chewed wires.. put it all back together. Drove over and filled the tank.

We took it to dinner tonight. 

Im thinking i may have to clean the cat converter..been researching how..

Probably try the degreaser method on the spare, and swap them.. then clean this one and maybe put it on Ls car.. if it works on the Clubman.

If not i will probably have to buy two new ones... $$$ 

A few forums state if it is contaminated from oil or coolant..once the issue has been resolved. Driving it will clear it out.

One could hope.

There are fuel additives that basically degrease it.. but can also cause other engine problems.. 

So.. maybe not a good choice.

Ls is probably a sensor..but i cant get it off... We did drive it to Michigan and back recently... 

So.. probably the sensor or the cat itself.

Cars.. such a pain sometimes.

....

Sunday i have nothing special..maybe move some more leaves..and make a test power supply..so i can verify that i fixed the big radio.

Then i need to figure out the cobra and maybe jeff's. 

I should have the one coming up from Florida.. see what he did..im wondering if its operator error.

..

I think J is on call next week..so i may have next weekend free . I think i start my call week on the 6th. Through the 20th. 

I thought this was my last weekend before call ,but got one more.

..

The timing is bad, but i could always swap with todd if need be.. he has offered if i need or want to. I think he would just take it for me and not swap.. extra comp time for him. 

I know he misses all the extra time off he used to have. Now there is four of us doing the 2wk on call duty. So much less time for him.

...

L has been overstressed, and decided to take a few days off.. si she goes back on Friday. 

No plan that i know of.. maybe j and L will go do something.

...

I worked in the jail 3 days last week..and have a couple more this week. Working in there is hard.. i can do the job, these weeks have been replacing TVs .. have to count and log our tools, in and out.. and if we are using tools, the inmates have to be locked in.. but you have to be very extra careful not to leave any tools, or anything that can be used as a weapon . Like screws, even wireties. Even cut tie ends.. i find it stressful.

Not my favorite part of the job.

...

Thats it..

For today

R

last weekend in October

So.. this weekend is a bust.

N is working. Someone quit, so she has to cover. 

Im on call the next 2 weekends..

I may take a couple days off. 

Swap sone time with Todd..

He is missing out on all the comp time he used to have. 

My day is the 8th..the Wednesday after my call starts..

N's is during my second call week.

I did get her a gift . I was hoping to give it to her this weekend..so..i may have to wait..or maybe just mail it up.

I hope she likes it . It took some thought, and i hope i decided correctly.

It sucks that she has to work her days off . . And that i still cant see her . 

..

I could make the drive up, and give her the gift and maybe have dinner and drive back .

I would do it . 

...

So the car .

Turns out the aux module was unplugged! 

It was corroded..i wiped it off and plugged it in. It worked! 

Not sure if the Bluetooth is working..

But it tries to pair.

I could try swapping with the one from the parts car..

Its a different part number..but may work anyway. I should try it.

I thought tonight, i need to pull the passenger seat and see if the comfort access module is under there..and if it has been waterlogged...

May have to swap that ...

The O2 sensor didnt fix the random code . May need an catalytic converter.. i have the one from the spare. .. im waiting to see if L's car throws the code again..

Not critical.. except for a inspection sticker..and maybe fuel mileage.. 

I think i just need a long ...couple hours drive to clean it out . All the oil from the bad engine ... 

Hmmm where can i drive to??

;)

...

Still no raise or retro pay ..

I did get the home insurance changed..saved $600...

But need to sign a document to cancel the old insurance.. did the round about ..called my mortgage company..they told me to call the old insurance company..called them, they told me to call my agent..my old agent said the new company is supposed to contact them... But after explaining all i did, she said she would send me a document to sign..

And send back .. im guessing through the mail...

It was $600 cheaper.. and the car ins was $1500 cheaper..  i had to switch.

..

R

doubt is knocking...

Im not gonna answer the door..

He's persistent..

..

(Deleted thought)

...

So . .. i have the next weekend off .

No detail to do, no plan .

Only the regular obligations. 

L is trying to get Halloween weekend off, to isolate, and de-stress.

The following week and week after, i am on call. Right through my birthday.

I could ask Todd to cover a few days, he already said he would, if i needed.

Then the weekend after is N's birthday.. and the week after that is Thanksgiving.

..

So.. its been nearly a month.

..

I am not sure what this next decade will bring.. i am trying to make it something happy and memorable.

I keep missing the target.

I tried to lower my mortgage..by changing insurance..and i think i screwed that up too ..

My cushion is evaporating, ive been asking L to help more.. and waitng on my raise and retro pay.. the sick pay bonus helped pay this months bills.

I saw i need to do something with my old 401k's.. they are pitiful and no idea what to do next..

I cant make plans because they fail .

Even the simplest fall on their face .

..

The car keeps giving me trouble..

I think it needs a catalytic converter.. i have one on the old engine.. but how good it is is anyones guess..

I could spend $200 on a Mini sensor..but probably wont fix it.

The Bluetooth and aux in are not working.. it may be a bad module.. 

That i will need to recode.. 

I should fix all and sell it for $6k

And walk away .

...

Still cannot win.

...

So, doubt tells me im shit.

He has been telling me that is why i cant connect. Why i am still alone, and will be for the next decade..

...

I looked over there... That way.. and the old bridge is still on fire.. 

Funny im still holding the lighter..

And have the kerosene can infront of me.

I lose more friends that way...

Cut them off and tell them they need to go away. And they do ...even if i dont tell them. . They do..

...

Light the lighter..

..

Why cant i find my way in?  I try.. i think i am not trying hard enough..

The timing of everything in life is making it difficult.. i have fallen down so many times..im losing ground.

If i have made mistakes, i need to know what they are, i will correct ..i really want this. 

I just dont know how to be good enough.

Damn doubt ..quit yelling at me. I can hear you through the door...

R

can i?

No.

So i am. Not working Saturday..but Sunday.. its 2 hours..

3 if you add in the travel.. 

But its OT . And good will..

Its supposed to rain..so i will hand out some badges, and. Explain what this vehicle is for.. and go home.

..

N is working.. recovering from the time off.

But that leaves us apart..

I am hoping i am still in her thoughts..

I wish i could help more..

We both have our responsibilities..and 

Yet .. i wish we could be closer.

Im trying..

R

yep

Ok, my texts were not going through..

Her phone was off..

Got to keep the 'listeners' from conversation.

So, we texted a bit. 

I had planned on trying to go up after the weekend.. Monday/Tuesday..

But since she took the time off to spend with family..she is working Sunday/Monday and Tuesday is a double.

:(

Next weekend?? 

After that. .im on call through my birthday..and her birthday is after that .... I hope to be able to spend that with her.. 

..

I could take my a couple days during my call week for my birthday..

R

1,2 or not

I think i have figured it out.

Either most of my texts are not going through..so i appear to be too busy to talk. Or ...

I get the same eventual response, that means im not trying hard enough, or ive screwed up somewhere. 

This bothers me, so much. 

I cant be sure if im just not able to show enough attention. 

Or if the contact is being lost, and assumed not existing. Making me look like i dont try.

I want to call, but dont want to wake her, if she is sleeping, or working.

I cant help but think, that she thinks i dont care.. i think about her all day. I want to connect.. but i feel i have not done enough..still... 

I know she didn't get the text about taking Monday and Tuesday off. 

There was no response.

If i can go up on a Sunday night, id have all day Monday and could leave late Tuesday. 

I just dont know if the text went through.

R

short weekend

Yeah, working Sunday. Overtime.. maybe i can payoff the well pump.

Hid half my bonus money.. see if it stays there... I need to see if the repair shop will do a coolant flush.

Do it properly.. not half ass .

I could but think i should have a professional do it and i wont have to worry about the waste.. 

I dont think i need a head gasket.. the smoke has burned off.. and now getting O2 sensor errors.. but probably from the burn off.. 

I should get up early and see about finding a shop to do the coolant.

Then take it for a long highway ride..

Then, i think i could trust it as a backup vehicle..

Maybe i didnt waste my money....

..

I have been researching how to customize the features in it.. and am fairly confident i can do some if them.. comfort access.. keyless entry, window control and maybe code the radio for satellite radio.. i have a module..and a radio i could swap.

Just simple mods.. to make it comfortable..maybe even a CB...

...

Ruben has been telling me that the owner of the radio wants to spend the money to fix it right.. he is buying the parts..i hope they work.

...

I need to fix 2 more sitting on the bench.. 

One is ready, the other needs more research..to see if its a programming problem.. i may just reset it to factory and see if it fixes the weirdness.

..

I also think i will move into my spare phone and wipe this one and reset it to factory..even flash the program into it to make it brand new..

Maybe then my texts will go through..

....

...

.

I thought of a thing.  I should try..

Just to make the change..

See if it gets my point across.

...

I dont like being like this.. 

I can rationalize..and be wrong in my own head..

I can agonize about it..

Ive been here before.. 

I was even told ... I dont know why i did it that way . ...i really liked you...

But they never showed it..

Yeah i was 18.. but it hurt then...

Somethings never change...

..

Listen . . . If i am doing this wrong .

If im not doing what i am supposed to.. if i appear to not care..or not interested... I am very interested.. i want to make this work, i feel very attached..but i dont think im doing it right.. cant figure it out.

I feel that im messing this up.. the distance and limited contact is not helping .  I would do what i could if they asked me to come up . I would .

I feel great when we are together.. i love being there.. and i want 

More.. but.. we both work long days, weeks.. and it isnt helping.. 

Yeah, life can take over and be more important than happy..but..im willing to be happy !  I want more..

...but i think it isnt obvious.. 

...

I think i could take a few mondays and Tuesday's off to be able to go up Sunday afternoons.. and come home Tuesday evenings.. if i was only still working in Dedham.. with monday Tuesday weekends .. and all that money.. day late.. timing.. 

..

I must have upset my KARMA..c

Somewhere .

These past 2 years have been a struggle..and lots of pain..and suffering..

..

What have i done.. in this life.. i cannot find a happy place .. well i find it, but i have to fight my way in..and fight to stay.. 

Like that old song ...

Where the bum has found a free buffet..and as he was eating..he was told he needs to dance to eat.. 

He says i cant dance... But realizes that he can and dances for the food..

... Im that bum.. i want the buffet, but need to know what i need to do to be allowed..to enjoy it.. i will do what i need to ...be cause i want it!

...

Yeah,  im not handsome, not rich.. but im not a jerk..im not unfaithful..im stable.. .sane.. and i still can learn new things.. i can still be taught. 

Yes, ive been burned and abused..but im not damaged from it . I have taken the learning experiences and changed my view..but not closed off not reclusive.. just cautious..but not overly cautious..just guarded..trying not to hurt too bad on the next ..

Its a thought..that if i give all. Then get the heave ho..i wont be devastated..i will brush it off and try not to repeat.. even though i do..

....

Really.  I just want to be in a comfortable place. With someone im comfortable with.. that i can support and help though all if this life we have been dealt.

Its not that complicated..im willing to be happy ...im willing to help you be happy.. hopefully happier with me in your life.. 

Time and distance is not that bad a barrier.. we all have been there.. with someone we loved..that really didnt love us..we went our ways. Here we are.. just ourselves..content..somewhat in the place we created ..for our sanity..

No ..we are not lonely..we are not...

We are not..we are happy in our space ...we dont need anyone.. especially someone that could hurt us ..we wont let anyone in that deep..

...we really want it..but the fires still burn ...in our souls . .. so we step back...and hug that fire extinguisher..and say we are strong and dont need anyone...

...

Then we create busy.. and entrench ourselves..and do the day to day. ..

And keep everything at arms length.

Even the thing we want.

...

If it gives up and goes away . .. it wasnt for us ...anyway.. 

..

.

Im not giving in ...or giving up ..

All i can say. ..is if you tell me to go away . ...

Im gone.

I will lick my wounds and leave you alone..

..

I will never lock the door...but it will remain closed till you open it.

..

Oh.  If you didnt know . I would hurt..for a long time.. i will hide it..but i will hurt ..

Yeah ..ive been accused of 'pining' for someone..but really..it was just me hurting..because i was all in..then rejected... And i walked away and so did they .. yeah there was regret .. but mostly me .. beating up on me for caring too much.. getting my self hurt.. my own damn fault..

. Tell me you have never been there.

I know when its over.. i dont want to believe it ..but..

It is always  how it is . Im in .lost ..in love..and they walk... And im left wondering what I did wrong .

.

.

It sucks . But..ive done the same ..over and over.. all this time .. still .

..no one wants me .

.

Ive been simple, complicated, intelligent, dumb, broke, well off ...not rich, but comfortable.., barely making it . .. fat..skinny, average..

But basically..lonely . Unappreciated.

Unutilized...

But basically..by myself .

The one thing..i never wanted to be..

But most of my time on this planet..

 .

Im not young and stupid  ... anymore..just old..and stupid.

And just me .

...

Thank you to all of you before...the ones i tried . And failed...

You made me realize..it wasn't you ...it was me.. all my inadequacies..and mis- interpretations..

Not that i didnt try.. but that i did try .and failed.. over and over .and over..

Im still here..still looking..still trying..

Please dont make it in vain...

R

more work.

Well,i was asked to work this weekend, either Saturday or Sunday.  

I picked Sunday. Its an all day event in Wellfleet. We are leaving the truck on Saturday, and i will go up with the boss on Sunday morning and drive the big truck back. 

We are all busy. 

I wonder when she will get her new car? 

She said its been a busy week too.

I told the supv. Since im working Sunday and then the following Saturday.. the next weekend is Halloween.. then the next two is my on call weeks..

I mentioned i may take a Monday and Tuesday.. to go up if possible.

He was fine with it. And even offerd to take a few call days for me if i need it.

So i need to ask if that would work.

I have the time.. and would love to be able to spend the time. 

Miss you.

...

I did not get my raise or retro pay yet.

I did get a suprise $2k bonus in this check.. taxes ate a chunk..but it was not expected.. it was the bonus pay for not using my sick time.

A union thing.

..

I dropped tha big radio off and got $20 for it .. because i wasn't sure if he would be happy with it . .. he was/is. 

I also picked up one in Fall river

. Its gonna be a costly repair.. 

The parts are hard to find...to do it right...

I will have to see where that goes..

He has a second one that has a similar problem... 

...

Ok

The car is working.. i was able yo program it.. ..now to iron out the bugs and get a coolant flush.. and see how road worthy it is. 

...

R

cars, computers and radios

My time wasters.

I have spent the last 3 days fighting with my computer that i needed to fix my car.. 

Today . ..last straw..totally wipe and reload the laptop..

Start over.. i got it started . .. but i loaded the wrong disk.. enterprise.. 

And after spending all evening getting the drivers loaded..i checked the license.. expires in 3 days.. the license i have is for Professional.. not enterprise.. so..

I started the downgrade process..no hack..just upgrade to the lesser version.. ugh.

Then hope when its finished it lets me use my license.

And that it still works ..

What a pain.

Once that is straight, i still need to reload the car software and hope i get it installed and working again..so i can program the module.

..

Anyway i did get my laundry done and the groceries and vacuumed the downstairs.. maybe tomorrow i can go to NB and FR to drop off the radio and pick up another.. 

joe from Florida said he sent a check..and asked if i would fix a boat anchor of a radio.. i declined..the shipping would be way too much.

Plus it would probably get destroyed in the shipping.

..

Bills are coming in and getting paid..

My next paycheck may have my raise and back pay.. fingers crossed.. 

I have a few older radios to finish . No real money for them.. but i need to get in the repair mode..so i can get them done.

...

I am off till Tuesday . Monday is a holiday..and i took Tuesday as a vacation day ..expecting to go up.

But as usual, all the planning in the world dont let stuff happen for me.

Maybe next weekend..

The weekend after that, i have a detail on Saturday.. but . ..i could take that Monday off..instead of this Tuesday..

Work would not care if i came in to work when i requested vacation day..

..

I need to get my car up to the dealership for the fall check out..to make sure its ready for winter driving... and maybe see if glen or glen will let me use the lift to get the O2 sensor replaced. I cant do it in my garage with my limited tools .

...

I have plenty to keep me busy.. 

...

Yeah, i miss you. I wish i was up there, even to see you for a few hours and drive back home.

Really.

R

..

long weekend home

I had plans for this weekend..my first long one after my on call..and ... no.

Im home. Far from where i want to be ..

Oh..by the way..

I am hooked. I am gonna do all i can..to be with and be happy...and make her happy.

...

I need to rise and be better ..as good as i can be , in a relationship that can make us both happy, and comfortable..relaxed.. trusting..

I need this ...and i feel she does too.

..

So.. i know i am hooked.. 

When the possibility of it being over was presented to me.. i hurt.. i was distraught. I had that ache..in my chest.. it hurt.. i was heart broken! 

I felt i had messed it up and it hurt!

I barely could think..but i forced myself.. because i didn't want to let it go.. i dont want to lose this..

I need her so much . 

Yeah, i dont want to be wimpy.. but i need her.. i want her..in my life..

Right now i cant imagine being with out her . I dont want to..

It has been a few months.. kinda rocky.. i feel i need to prove myself..and prove im not like the rest..the past.. i am me..and not anyone else..unique .  

Just as she is..unique..better than any other.. i am hoping she lets me in..lets down her guard and lets me show her..i am not a jerk.. not gonna hurt her. 

I know it is tough to trust and let someone in.. 

Oh how i know that...

Im not young..not handsome..not buff..but i can be a protector... a partner.. a lover..one that can prove my love every day..

I want to do this ...but i have been beaten down..belittled .. and shamed into being guarded.. and reserved..

Outwardly..

Even though .inside i am strong and fierce..but..i have been told ..no .. 

All you know .all you have learned ..

Is not how it is now . .. 

Your manly ways ... are an insult to the modern strong independent woman.

You can not be who you have trained to be.. 

Ivanhoe... you are not allowed...

But.. this mentality..training ..of how to be a gentleman..all my life.. 

Has value . .. and. It is me ...

..

Im gonna.. say this..

Im afraid to..say it right now ...to you..

I don't want to scare you away..

But.. 

Im in love with you.

I love you 

It hurts when i can't be with you.

I plan my days around how i can be with you .

.....

Yeah..

...

I dont want to scare you..

We can make this work.

R

oh $#1t

Ok.  

Not ok..

I really dont know what to say.

As always what i think i should be doing is wrong..

I know everyone is different..i cant expect anyone to act or react the same as someone else .

But even knowing that.. i still mess up.

The last few relationships i have had, fell apart.. and i realized and actually asked and was confirmed.. that i get to eager or intense.  I took it for all in committed.. but found that it scared them away . .. so i have made an effort not to be so intense . That causes me to appear indifferent..

Which is not the case... not by a long shot.. if im in.. in my head.. i am running the scenarios.. hoping for a happily ever after and all.. i have always worked though the what ifs.. and usually the hope for the best wins over the oh, its all gonna fall apart.....

Yet, here i am.. realizing i made the wrong assumptions.. yeah i know..

Asumming makes an 'ass out of me to you'...

Yes, im still making the same mistakes.. nothing i have experienced in my life helps me because my longest relationship...20yrs..was a lie.. and nothing i could ever do could fix it.

...

Move on .

Now is now..

And i think i have already used up my wishes for forgiveness.. i always screw it up.. especially when it something i want to work...

..

This week has been a slap in the face ..i cannot do anything right.. nothing i can do to make anything work in my favor..

My well . .. the 2 projects i have been working on for the past month went belly up..

The used car is just a money pit.. still not road worthy..and i bought a new module for it..and blew out the programming software on my laptop, trying to program it..

And now..it seems the new used engine needs to be rebuilt..the head gasket is bad.. or worse a cylinder.. which i wont spend the money for that..but im invested..and need to make it work..(insert the swear of choice)...

3 of the radios i have for repair are ..so far..out of my expertise..not making any progress.. i should be able to..but my mind isnt cooperating..i cant figure them out..

...and i have messed up the one thing i thought was gonna help me get through all of the other stuff..

Over thought.. expected results that were wrong . Did all the wrong things.

 Really.. i would drive hours to be close to her.. it made me feel so good.. wanted and necessary.. but.. i held back and .. it was the wrong thing to do..

I didnt want to scare her away . .. 

She is just what i needed ...

I was falling.. and was afraid to let it show.. i was afraid to show her . because i didn't want to appear to needy..even though i am.. i need that kind of relationship..one where we support each other..and anchor the other from drifitng into all the things that make a person unhappy.

..

I had a person...take advantage of my feelings..and took every opportunity to remind me that they were in control..but i had already realized that i was a diversion..and all i wanted was someone who understood me..and if that meant no future..ok.. i would take the right now..and forgotten tomorrow..but even if i wanted more ..i knew it was never going to be.. 

I can be a realist.. i can take what i get .and be ok with that .

It isnt my goal..but i have almost given up on what i want..need ...out of a relationship.. i am always looking..but being pessimistic....i figure i need to take what i find..and can figure out the implications..after ..if i can find that person ...the one where we complete eachother..

I will be more than happy..

I can be optimistic..and hope to find her... its why i keep looking..

...

But..i get in the way.. i always mess up a good thing....always.

Yes, this is what usually is in this blog.. laments..and degrading view of me .. but ..in the dark.. its just me.. trying to puzzle out my issues.

...

I wish i didnt overthink how to be..

Because it is never the right answer.

Damn.

R

thursday

End of the month around the corner.

I guess i f*@k'd up somewhere..

No answers for 3 days . 

I get it.. busy.  Sick . Busy.. tired..

But a response woukd be nice ..even a fck off . Would be better than silence.

I just finished my 2 weeks of on call.. busy.. calls all hours all weekends and an actual call out for a failure.. and a truck detail on the night of my well pump repair.. 

$2500 later.. at least we have water and can flush... and i can do the mounds of dishes.. 

..

I have radios to finish and angry people wondering whats taking me so long . And one that I'm waiting payment for.. he dont answer emails..

..

Never ends..

..

I just dont know..

I guess even when i think i do..

Im mistaken.

R

my well is broken

Yep, the water had low pressure all week.. them today it quit.

I found my well head, buried in the woods behind my house. I was able to get the cement cover off and found the well pump running.. it was very hot..and the surge tank was empty. 

I killed the power, and turned off the main water valve in the house.

I spent the next couple hours calling plumbers.. the last one finally answered the phone..i scheduled an appointment for tomorrow noon.. and will have to take off work to meet with him.. then go back because i have a after work detail scheduled from 5 to 7p.. 

I hope he can fix it.. 

I have no running water as of right now. 

$#!t

R

this week

It was a busy week.. 

On call.. got called out twice .

Sunday..and Tuesday.

I think they were related..but sunday was an information text..i was required to follow up..it was 4 am..and got a follow up text from my manager at 7:30.. everything was working..the thought was a service provider had an outage..and just didnt notify us.. but it turned out tobea failed ups.. which i was called out for on Tuesday..and replaced and reset the ambulance circuit..

All was good after that.

4 hours ot and 4 hours comp time.

Plus 4 hrs for weekend call..

This weekend is the second 4 hrs on call.. which we split ot and comp.

...

So N is better and working and sleeping.. so little contact . 

I was worried for abit.. no responses to any texts, for a couple days..

But, she is doing better and was splitting her time between work and sleep.

I am relieved..was fearing the worst..

...

So i have this weekend on call.. and Monday pass the phone off..

I hope to sneak up to maine next weekend.

..

Been busy with radios ..some local.. i mad a few bucks.. and spent them on car repairs.

Tomorrow i need to do an oil change.

...

Monday i have radio parts coming in..and a radio to finish..then deliver..and get cash!.

..

So this weekend is supposed to be wet.. so..no plans.. end of summer.. beginning of fall.

...

R

no storm

Lee passed by degrading to a tropical storm, far off coast. We had rain last night, but by 8am it was breezy and dry.. the clouds were gone by noon. Still cool and breezy..but no damage, no floods, no issues at my house.

I worked on the car after a haircut and groceries. 

...

So i figure the weird codes in the car have to do with the module i had the corrosion in, i will try to replace it with the one from the donor car, which is like new.. i have the software and tool to read the existing and write it to the replacement.

Maybe it will fix the odd codes and random notices of lighting errors.

...

I got a work text at 4:30 this morning.. and called in to the dispatch office, and was told it was informational.. they saw some intermittent connections.. so they switched to the backup..i went back to bed.. the boss texted me at 7:30 and asked if i called about the notice.

I told him what they told me.

He said it was the ambulance system not the PD , that showed on the logs. 

It may have been a power outage at one of the sites.. he suggested i call and see if it has resolved itself.

The ambulance ckt was good, i asked about the PD.. they didnt know about that.. so i called the PD and asked if it was still down.. they said it just came back about 3 mins before i called and they switched back to it and all was good .

I sent an email noting that .

...

After dinner i did some radio work and am almost done with that.. 

Just a few more hours to install the new micro and tune it.

That was all.

Im tired and should sleep .

R

storm Lee coming

Work week is done. On call ..

And we have a storm passing by.

Shoukd be here tomorrow at 8am..

Been windy all day..clouds moving the wrong way.. but we had a red sky sunset. 

Lets see how the weekend goes.

Monday starts the bridge work.. and i have approval to start an hour early and leave an hour early..

Hopefully it will work.

We had somebody break in to the family property..trashed it..idiots just going through the stuff making a mess..

They didnt take the valuable stuff..

Amateur.. probably just kids.

Being jerks. 

Why cant they just leave other peoples stuff alone.

..

Well.. Hopefully chuck is gone soon...

And N can get back to normal.

Its my on call weeks , otherwise id be up there..

..

The new car is finally settling down..

Drove it on the highway tonight and it did well, and no new codes. 

I want to hook up the computer and read the modules and save them.

Maybe see about setting the convenience settings and program the headlights. And the errors shoud clear..

..

Maybe good for a trip to maine..

..

I need to get the state inspection done.. and it is good.

..

Ok.. i guess N is not reading this anymore.. sorry..too soon..not my intention.. 

But, i wanted her to know ..me..the inner stuff in my head.  And that i am committed to her and want to make this my Future..

I want to do all i can..

But..i seem to f up stuff .. especially the things i want.

But..i hope the person i am is apparent and enough.

..

This is me.

...

R

September is here

The weather isnt September like ...yet. but i think its close.. we have a storm coming, and im gonna guess the weeks after are gonna be very September..

I have bridge construction to look forward to on my commute starting next week and for the next 3 months!

Im gonna plan to leave earlier for work.. which should lessen the morning wait..but no help for the ride home.

We requested to start early ,leave early..but no result yet.

I am just planning on the early start..if i cant clock in early, i will read.

..

N's daughter got engaged! Thats cool!.

C will be moving out! So that headache will be gone.

That started as a good idea..and turned south quick.

Family is one thing, but even family are guests if its temporary..and should respect the host..even more than strangers.

I hope the damage is minimal and easy to recover from.

...

Im in my on call weeks..and have plenty to get done. I hope i can keep ahead of it , and make a few $$.

I have had some inquiries for Chips..but no follow-up ...so far.

But..as always..money in the bank.

I have 4 customers equipment to get done.. so i can be busy these days..

...

I am looking forward to spending more time with N.. I am liking the feeling i get when we are together.

Maybe she can come down sometime, and spend time in my house.

...

I have started the tea tree treatment. 

I will make it a routine.. and hopefully it will work. I have been using the salve on my shin.. and shoulder. 

I know this stuff works, and hope it shows results for me.

..

So..im working on it..

..

Hey, N.. miss you.

:)

R