short weekend

Yeah, working Sunday. Overtime.. maybe i can payoff the well pump.

Hid half my bonus money.. see if it stays there... I need to see if the repair shop will do a coolant flush.

Do it properly.. not half ass .

I could but think i should have a professional do it and i wont have to worry about the waste.. 

I dont think i need a head gasket.. the smoke has burned off.. and now getting O2 sensor errors.. but probably from the burn off.. 

I should get up early and see about finding a shop to do the coolant.

Then take it for a long highway ride..

Then, i think i could trust it as a backup vehicle..

Maybe i didnt waste my money....

..

I have been researching how to customize the features in it.. and am fairly confident i can do some if them.. comfort access.. keyless entry, window control and maybe code the radio for satellite radio.. i have a module..and a radio i could swap.

Just simple mods.. to make it comfortable..maybe even a CB...

...

Ruben has been telling me that the owner of the radio wants to spend the money to fix it right.. he is buying the parts..i hope they work.

...

I need to fix 2 more sitting on the bench.. 

One is ready, the other needs more research..to see if its a programming problem.. i may just reset it to factory and see if it fixes the weirdness.

..

I also think i will move into my spare phone and wipe this one and reset it to factory..even flash the program into it to make it brand new..

Maybe then my texts will go through..

....

...

.

I thought of a thing.  I should try..

Just to make the change..

See if it gets my point across.

...

I dont like being like this.. 

I can rationalize..and be wrong in my own head..

I can agonize about it..

Ive been here before.. 

I was even told ... I dont know why i did it that way . ...i really liked you...

But they never showed it..

Yeah i was 18.. but it hurt then...

Somethings never change...

..

Listen . . . If i am doing this wrong .

If im not doing what i am supposed to.. if i appear to not care..or not interested... I am very interested.. i want to make this work, i feel very attached..but i dont think im doing it right.. cant figure it out.

I feel that im messing this up.. the distance and limited contact is not helping .  I would do what i could if they asked me to come up . I would .

I feel great when we are together.. i love being there.. and i want 

More.. but.. we both work long days, weeks.. and it isnt helping.. 

Yeah, life can take over and be more important than happy..but..im willing to be happy !  I want more..

...but i think it isnt obvious.. 

...

I think i could take a few mondays and Tuesday's off to be able to go up Sunday afternoons.. and come home Tuesday evenings.. if i was only still working in Dedham.. with monday Tuesday weekends .. and all that money.. day late.. timing.. 

..

I must have upset my KARMA..c

Somewhere .

These past 2 years have been a struggle..and lots of pain..and suffering..

..

What have i done.. in this life.. i cannot find a happy place .. well i find it, but i have to fight my way in..and fight to stay.. 

Like that old song ...

Where the bum has found a free buffet..and as he was eating..he was told he needs to dance to eat.. 

He says i cant dance... But realizes that he can and dances for the food..

... Im that bum.. i want the buffet, but need to know what i need to do to be allowed..to enjoy it.. i will do what i need to ...be cause i want it!

...

Yeah,  im not handsome, not rich.. but im not a jerk..im not unfaithful..im stable.. .sane.. and i still can learn new things.. i can still be taught. 

Yes, ive been burned and abused..but im not damaged from it . I have taken the learning experiences and changed my view..but not closed off not reclusive.. just cautious..but not overly cautious..just guarded..trying not to hurt too bad on the next ..

Its a thought..that if i give all. Then get the heave ho..i wont be devastated..i will brush it off and try not to repeat.. even though i do..

....

Really.  I just want to be in a comfortable place. With someone im comfortable with.. that i can support and help though all if this life we have been dealt.

Its not that complicated..im willing to be happy ...im willing to help you be happy.. hopefully happier with me in your life.. 

Time and distance is not that bad a barrier.. we all have been there.. with someone we loved..that really didnt love us..we went our ways. Here we are.. just ourselves..content..somewhat in the place we created ..for our sanity..

No ..we are not lonely..we are not...

We are not..we are happy in our space ...we dont need anyone.. especially someone that could hurt us ..we wont let anyone in that deep..

...we really want it..but the fires still burn ...in our souls . .. so we step back...and hug that fire extinguisher..and say we are strong and dont need anyone...

...

Then we create busy.. and entrench ourselves..and do the day to day. ..

And keep everything at arms length.

Even the thing we want.

...

If it gives up and goes away . .. it wasnt for us ...anyway.. 

..

.

Im not giving in ...or giving up ..

All i can say. ..is if you tell me to go away . ...

Im gone.

I will lick my wounds and leave you alone..

..

I will never lock the door...but it will remain closed till you open it.

..

Oh.  If you didnt know . I would hurt..for a long time.. i will hide it..but i will hurt ..

Yeah ..ive been accused of 'pining' for someone..but really..it was just me hurting..because i was all in..then rejected... And i walked away and so did they .. yeah there was regret .. but mostly me .. beating up on me for caring too much.. getting my self hurt.. my own damn fault..

. Tell me you have never been there.

I know when its over.. i dont want to believe it ..but..

It is always  how it is . Im in .lost ..in love..and they walk... And im left wondering what I did wrong .

.

.

It sucks . But..ive done the same ..over and over.. all this time .. still .

..no one wants me .

.

Ive been simple, complicated, intelligent, dumb, broke, well off ...not rich, but comfortable.., barely making it . .. fat..skinny, average..

But basically..lonely . Unappreciated.

Unutilized...

But basically..by myself .

The one thing..i never wanted to be..

But most of my time on this planet..

 .

Im not young and stupid  ... anymore..just old..and stupid.

And just me .

...

Thank you to all of you before...the ones i tried . And failed...

You made me realize..it wasn't you ...it was me.. all my inadequacies..and mis- interpretations..

Not that i didnt try.. but that i did try .and failed.. over and over .and over..

Im still here..still looking..still trying..

Please dont make it in vain...

R