here i am

Ok.. just me .

I have too few friends.

I know a lot of people..and alot of people know me..

Partially...

I guess..  i have one more friend.

...

Yes ..  i fu(kd this up.

As i always do with something good..

.. yes, i overthink everything..

Plus, I have been beaten down so much ...its only apparent when I look back and see what I did..or didn't do..

I used to be pro-active.. always doing stuff to its full.. always the gentleman..open a door .. walk on the street side of the sidewalk.. defer to the woman. Always ask her opinion.. let her decide..but make a decision if i needed to.

Offer my help.. my talents.. go over and beyond without being asked.. 

Offer my advice and knowledge, to help..

But..the last 20 or so years..I have been told it isnt proper anymore.. strong women dont want to be catered to.. dont want my advice unless they ask for it. They can do it without a man..

Of course, being married to a lesbian for 17 years didnt help me with that at all.. 

So, slowly.. I stopped being that guy, the man I was.. the one I was comfortable being, how I was raised..

It was fine, because a few people would allow it or ignore it.. out dated as it was.. but a few that I was really close to, outright told me to stop..

Break all I know.. let them be..they dont need me... 

Now..all these years later..Im not allowed to be who I really am..

..

Yeah, corporate jobs also had a lot to do with it as well.. 

No, you cant tell a co-worker that her dress is pretty, or her shoes look good.. your new hairdo suits you or I really like those boots...

Sexual harrassment...

..

I put that in the same category as..you don't have to walk on the street side..you don't have to protect me....

..

In a new relationship I am over cautious..and end up not appearing interested enough..and it is my demise.

I like strong women ...I am not attracted to the helpless ones..

But, that comes with problems.. 

They usually dont want my 'help'..

That is what I do..I help..

So, where do I fit?? 

Finding my place is always a challenge..

Also with a strong woman, you dont want to take over when they ask for help . You dont want to offend.. 

You like them because they are independent...but want to help them be independent.. support..but never demean.. 

Appreciate what they know and suggest solutions when they need it.

Never take over unless they ask..

But ...they won't ask.. 

Its a fine line..

I always mess that up.. i dont know if they want me to take ownership of the issue or just suggest..

I have knowledge..and skills.. but..

Now im afraid to make the suggestion or recommendation, because if im wrong.. its gonna be my fault.

....

I guess that is the problem with being attracted to that kind..

..

Which is why..here I am.. in the place I am.. 

Just me . 

No future . No loves..

Wants, desires, wishes.. but nothing for me.

,.........

Hey, welcome the the end f

Of the year 2023

.....

So to mess things up to the next level..

I have applied to my old company for a job...

They are still looking for techs..

I hope the money is still good .

Since I have no reason to not work myself to death.. before retiring..

Lets build some cash cushion..put some money in the SSI.. and refund the 401k.

If i can raise my income by 20k..a year. I can work for another 5 to 8 years.. and get out .

Maybe..

The shift may suck..but who cares if i have no life, no free time..

I have no one who wants me in their life.. L is dependant..but is working..J isnt doing anything..really not my problem.. except im enabling them, and paying for them to live in my house.. L is paying a lot too.. supporting J.. 

But, mortgage, food,and utilities is on me..

....

Im not a happy guy..

I was...

...

So ...what to do now..?

Persue..or let it be ..

I tried to call..

Established a time..

And ...

No

..

Did she just not want to let me persuade her.. 

..so turn off the phone...

Make me worry...did she not make it home..

How will I know??

Should i call for a wellness check....??

No..if the phone rings 6 times, then disconnects.. its because the phone is off..

I still called from 8:40 to 10:30 

Every 5 minutes...

..

So..as always..I don't know what i did wrong.. did or didnt do..

And without a confirmation.. 

Not sure where I stand..

..

Do you hate me??

...

Is there hope for something later?

..or do i need to leave you alone?

Like i did so long ago..

..

No answers . And no chance of ever asking the questions..

...

"Lets be friends" 

The killer response..

End of it .

..

I suck!

...

Know this.. no difference to the status quo..

...

R