first day..

30 to go.

December is never a good month for me. Its the end of the year.. and assessment is pending.

I need to look back..and see what I need to learn from all that was this year..

Will the mistakes.. the things I did.. and the things I didnt .. teach me anything? Can I do better next year? 

I know I have made many mistakes.. some I am sure I have still not realized.. some I have chosen to ignore..many I wonder why the choices I made ...did not seem to matter.. those things I tried to do that didnt help... I am still where I was in January..with some exceptions..

The exceptions that I think matter to me, dont seem to help me feel any different.. and the other exceptions.. I wish made me feel better.. but lately the doubt..has pushed its way in.. and I feel lost. Truly alone.. 

Personally.. im ok.. not sure what I should be doing.. Ive been waiting to be asked.. or even to have a suggestion..but I feel im in limbo..

I have committed..and want that commitment..but.. im not sure where i stand.. I have conflicted signals..

My terrible mind is raking me over the coals over and over.. I don't know where i stand..i know its not where i thought i was.. i feel its much lower.. 

I have no proof ... Just how i am interpreting.. that will always send me down the wrong road.. 

I know I cannot assume I know where I am..I always choose the worst or the impossible.. never what it really is..

Even though I try for daily contact.. I am only getting part of the story.. leaving me to have to interpret what I see.. and alway..I am wrong...

I try to be optimistic..and succeed for a bit.. then if I think about it more and more, which I do.. I go down the other road.. and there the doubt, kicks me.. 

I suck.. I dont deserve to be happy, I will be alone, and no one cares...

Seriously.. I have been hurt , really hurt so may times.. and no one really cares.  Yeah, I invited some of that into my life.. hoping and looking for something I would not find.. and didnt... 

I spent 20 years.. trying to make sense of a relationship that should have ended before it got started.. and yet I kept trying.. even after I knew ...

So.. here I am.. older no where near wiser.. and feeling alone as always...

Now.. ive made job changes, and feel im on the road .. to disaster.. I have 5 maybe 8 years left of work.. and need to figure out how im gonna survive.. I know I will need to downsize.. and try to find side work..

And maybe see if L will be able to keep a roof over us.. but .it wont be this one.. I can barely afford it..she wont.. 

If the market holds..I can sell ..move and downsize..

I don't think she cares where she lives..her skills are unappreciated..and not realized..

Maybe, I can sell for $400k to$600k and pay off the existing and have enough to buy small and have only the utilities and expenses, taxes and insurance..and food and fuel.. 

But..

I am here ...now.. and not happy.

That is not where I want to be.

I have been here for so long..

It can be hard to go to anything new.

I do try..

But i know ...im not the perfect guy and I dig the holes I can get out of..and wonder why.. 

I have not given up..

But I would like a sign ...to tell me if it is worth it..if im not a fool..if I can find a place where i can be accepted. . Allowed .. 

Honestly..if its over.. tell me..

I will go away...lick my wounds..and hope you will still be my friend... 

..

Thats it...

I need to know..

Do I wait.. should I wait..

I will.....

But .it does hurt..not knowing..

I do more damage second guessing and trying to interpret..

..,

I guess...I suck.

R