long weekend home

I had plans for this weekend..my first long one after my on call..and ... no.

Im home. Far from where i want to be ..

Oh..by the way..

I am hooked. I am gonna do all i can..to be with and be happy...and make her happy.

...

I need to rise and be better ..as good as i can be , in a relationship that can make us both happy, and comfortable..relaxed.. trusting..

I need this ...and i feel she does too.

..

So.. i know i am hooked.. 

When the possibility of it being over was presented to me.. i hurt.. i was distraught. I had that ache..in my chest.. it hurt.. i was heart broken! 

I felt i had messed it up and it hurt!

I barely could think..but i forced myself.. because i didn't want to let it go.. i dont want to lose this..

I need her so much . 

Yeah, i dont want to be wimpy.. but i need her.. i want her..in my life..

Right now i cant imagine being with out her . I dont want to..

It has been a few months.. kinda rocky.. i feel i need to prove myself..and prove im not like the rest..the past.. i am me..and not anyone else..unique .  

Just as she is..unique..better than any other.. i am hoping she lets me in..lets down her guard and lets me show her..i am not a jerk.. not gonna hurt her. 

I know it is tough to trust and let someone in.. 

Oh how i know that...

Im not young..not handsome..not buff..but i can be a protector... a partner.. a lover..one that can prove my love every day..

I want to do this ...but i have been beaten down..belittled .. and shamed into being guarded.. and reserved..

Outwardly..

Even though .inside i am strong and fierce..but..i have been told ..no .. 

All you know .all you have learned ..

Is not how it is now . .. 

Your manly ways ... are an insult to the modern strong independent woman.

You can not be who you have trained to be.. 

Ivanhoe... you are not allowed...

But.. this mentality..training ..of how to be a gentleman..all my life.. 

Has value . .. and. It is me ...

..

Im gonna.. say this..

Im afraid to..say it right now ...to you..

I don't want to scare you away..

But.. 

Im in love with you.

I love you 

It hurts when i can't be with you.

I plan my days around how i can be with you .

.....

Yeah..

...

I dont want to scare you..

We can make this work.

R