memorial

Good by to those who have gone.

We were all around the same age..

Distance seperated us and one by one , they left.

Its sad. Some I new only in class.

All those years ago.. some were my friends.. some I never knew..I knew of them. 

I will never forget the tee shirt with the big screw in a big U.. and the teacher asking if you had a doctor in your family .. (it looked almost like a surgeons icon.. I think snakes around a sword) ..Derek! 

Mortality.. a scary thought.

Im not 20 anymore.. I have so little to show for my life. 

And im still alone.. I think actually I have been alone since before I graduated high school.. lots of near misses..too many..you thought you were happy.. surprise!!! 

I have L.. disfunctional as we are..

Yet, we are better than any other relationship I have ever had with anyone else.. friends and family included... But, we are not the same..as we were 10 yrs ago..

... Its a matter of time... 

Here I am..trying to work through the details..with no plan.. not like me ..

But ..almost all my careful planning fails.. and I end up having nothing.

.

Honestly.. if I can stay in a relationship with someone who hates the idea of being with any man.. for 20 years..and be blissfully happy for at least half of that.. and cordial at the remainder.. 

Why cant I find a person who can let me be happy . 

Im not looking for bliss..just a place to be happy. 

No adversity..working together for mutual happiness.

...

I guess, im not allowed that .I never have found that.

..

Tonight.. I saw an old friend and his wife..they have been married for 40+ years.. high school sweethearts.. still together.. Wonderful and amazing...

I am very jealous.

No, she isnt skinny and young-pretty anymore..but everytime I see them..she is happy and he is glad they are one.

It is a special thing.. I am happy for them.

..

The two marriages Ive had, I was duped..one was using me..and the other was fooling me and herself and everyone else..

I survived..but..lost all that time to learn what to do...and how to do it.

So now I am doomed to not ..

I do not know..what to do, when to do it. I am lost..and do not expect to learn how to fix it.

..

Im just ... Me

I guess..it isnt enough.

For anyone..for me.

Welcome to the end of 2023.

...

Sixty years of this ...

...

Thanks for allowing me some consideration..

Its more than most have ever given.

....

R