What a long weekend.

Well that did not go at all as planned.

I think if I ever get a tatoo..that is what it will say.

This weekend..was interesting.
On the plus.. I did mow the lawn..and trimmed the weeds..
Fixed a few electronic items..

The rest was.. fun.

I got my debit card given to a stranger.. and worried for 2 hours..
Ended up canceling my main debit card and going home without it.
Getting it the next day.. got called at 5 am on Monday..just to ask if they hit the on button... then later..to reset a computer..then write a procedure how to do it.

I spent 2 hours waiting for my debit card..the comedy club turned into a hip hop club for those 2 hours.. fun.

So... lots of work .. lots of stress..
I am thinking..I will be glad to be back to work.

This week.. I have camera modifications.. and equipment to receive.. and the studio upgrade starts this week.

I have not heard about my friends funeral arrangements. .
I should go. I will try.

My friend was amused about this weekends events.. and I have not scared them away.. but am doubtful it will progress into much.
Just a time passing exercise.
I was asked ..
'what attracted you to me..why did you come over and talk to me?'
..honestly.. someone I trust suggested it.. so I did.. you did not tell me to go away.. and you talked to me...and let me talk to you...you did not tell me to go away and leave.

I am not sure if that is pathetic..and desperate. ..
Or something else.

I have something to bring .. but no one wants it.
'Im not worthy'
I guess I m a little pathetic.. and desperate..
Just a little. ..

No one has ever beaten down my door ... asking me to love them.
I have always had to prove my love..beg for consideration. .
Usualy to be left alone..wondering what I did or did not do..why I was not worthy.. why I sucked..
Really..that is what I ask myself.. what is wrong with me??
Why am I the perfect guy..but never the 'one' ?

Wrong time..
Wrong place. .
Too far..
Not enough..
Too good to be true..

..pathetic. .wrong... ugly.. useless.. worthless..
Not acceptable. .not accepted by all..

Never by the one. .. that matters.

Just another cut..
A cut with a really sharp..instrument..
One that you never feel..you just find the wound.
And realize.. you are bleeding..
You find it hurts..as you see why you are bleeding. ..
It ends up that you are the one to blame..
Your choices..what you tried to persue...
That you are not entitled to..
Just not worthy.


Really..what is different.

Still me.
I have to wonder.. .
I must be the problem.. it has to be me.
I make bad choices..
I reach out to that I am not worthy of..
Out of my league.
That beautiful woman.
I am let in..to remind me..that I cannot have... never accepted..or worthy..
That is why. . If someone is willing to listen to me..and all my boring stories.. Insights. Therories...and the like.. will capture my attention.
Make me think.

Yes..this is beer and alcohol running my mind to push the text...
The brain dump.

I am in a place...
I have decisions to make that will determine my immediate future..and hapiness and sanity..

Just hold me at arms lenght..
Is that really what you want?
Remember it has been done before.

I never forget the love in my life.

Just stop. Kicking me.

R 5/30/17

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