Long weekend ahead.

Yet..I have a tense morning to look forward to.. I scheduled a confrontation with 2 employees..to ask why they are not doing their job.. why are they putting me in this place..where I need to ask..
They are skilled..and know the rules.. know what they are required to do..
Just not doing it.. making a possibility for more issues.
Avoiding the simple solution..and causing the required meeting.

Then beyond that..a status meeting and on the spot questions that 'i don't know' will not be a valid answer..but I think we have successfully made our deadline for this week.. and have the long weekend and a few days to begin the next task.

Personally.. I am looking at a new friendship..inside this new circle..
And thinking it is a way to head into summer and not be pathetically alone. Like most past summers. But it is slow and I am cautious..
As always..I fear the pain of failure and rejection.. and double check all I do and say.
It began as a suggestion..and I was in the correct frame of mind.. and I stepped out of me..and just accepted that I should begin something. I did not even think about it. Just moved over and started talking. It was natural.
If it goes beyond.. just talking over drinks and pool.. it may be a way to have something to do for the summer.

Historically.. I usually am alone for the summer..
3 exceptions.. 2 were fantastic.. the 3rd.. ho hum..
20 yrs of ho hum..
The first..made me hopeful..those many years ago..
The last.. confirmed I could have happy during a summer..
Yet..I am skeptical. . I don't think I can duplicate 2yrs ago..

I am a loser..I will always lose..and I have accepted that so long ago..that I wonder why it is still a suprise.

At this point in my life..I can do what I want.. I can do anything.
I would do anything to be happy.
Usually that means making someone important to me happy..
When they glow, I light up! I burn bright..
I would do anything to see the smile that lights up my day..even just to feel it..that makes my heart burst and that smile you could not wipe away appears.. to feel that way on a daily basis..
..
heaven...
..
But..
Never worthy.. just not enough.

Yes.. you are beautiful.
I am not.
You are young..
I am not.

Seems to be what I realize..
Just not worthy..

Unfortunately. .I gauge my life between the fantasy and real life..
I usually figure wrong..and lose..
The sad part is I always hope to be happy.
History..kicks me..repeatedly. .
Which makes me gun shy..apprehensive. . Guarded..
Just to be hurt again.
I don't do half way.. all or not.

I always forgive..and rarely to my benefit.
Except to my psyche. .
Do no harm..to anyone but my heart..

So .. here I am again.
Just lost.. alone..
I have 2 months of corporate impressions to make..then.. the choices will be mine..I hope.. or I can just start over..or fade away.

All those years of planning in my head..just to be surprised..to be here..now..with what I ended up with.

Disappointing.

I guess .. it is what it was meant to be.

Kick me.. remind me..
Ignore me..
I am used to it..

All I have to do is remember my past..
And lo and behold..
Been there..done that.. the pain is the same.. .. funny..and a shame I let it happen again.
All my fault.

Yes.. I am a dick.. and it hurts exactly the same.

Do not explain.. leave it to me.
I will do it badly.

It does hurt.

I hurt.

Really..what can I do..or say?

I know..I blew it. Not sure how..but I know I did.

Good night..

R 5/25/17

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