Well I guess I need to work on figuring out what I should be doing.
I have been doing this.. being me.. for so long.. I think I have figured out this.. what I have been doing for all these years...
Is the reason I am here.. in this place in my life.
Grasping for those that want me in their life. Begging and hoping to find anyone that wants me around.
I am back to where I was..and have always been.
Pathetic and lonely.. I have given up..
Those I love have discarded me.. for every reason..
Been there many times.. history repeats..
I know I am just as responsible as those that let me in their lives.
I have been very fortunate to find beautiful people that allowed me in.. just to find a reason to let me go.. some did and did not look back..some hung in for a little but ended up finding the next excuse to let me be alone.
I still don't understand. . If I was the one no one compares to.. why am I not worthy..??
It cannot be that great if you can walk away and not look back..while I sit and wonder..
My life over and over..
Left wonering..
It has to be me...
I keep doing it.. it keeps happening.
I have to be messing it up..
I just cannot keep the one I want..
I just don't deserve that kind of happy.
So....
I am back to trying to be me by myself.. and trying not to be pathetic.
Even though..if I examine me.. I feel that way.
It is what it is..
You know..if you have the same thing happen to you over and over..
By different people..
Doing the same..
With the same results..
It must either be my choices or me.
After all this time..
It must be me.
I cannot have what I want... need.. deserve..
Just not for me.
I am not worthy.
At least for me.
Just out of my league.
........
So to switch away from my personal misery. .
Good bye my friend.
I heard tonight.
You have left us.
You are missed by your true friends.
You were a person I met in my formative years.. and I had respect for your insights. You helped me without trying.
I am happy to say you were my friend.
Good bye.
R 5/24/17
I have been doing this.. being me.. for so long.. I think I have figured out this.. what I have been doing for all these years...
Is the reason I am here.. in this place in my life.
Grasping for those that want me in their life. Begging and hoping to find anyone that wants me around.
I am back to where I was..and have always been.
Pathetic and lonely.. I have given up..
Those I love have discarded me.. for every reason..
Been there many times.. history repeats..
I know I am just as responsible as those that let me in their lives.
I have been very fortunate to find beautiful people that allowed me in.. just to find a reason to let me go.. some did and did not look back..some hung in for a little but ended up finding the next excuse to let me be alone.
I still don't understand. . If I was the one no one compares to.. why am I not worthy..??
It cannot be that great if you can walk away and not look back..while I sit and wonder..
My life over and over..
Left wonering..
It has to be me...
I keep doing it.. it keeps happening.
I have to be messing it up..
I just cannot keep the one I want..
I just don't deserve that kind of happy.
So....
I am back to trying to be me by myself.. and trying not to be pathetic.
Even though..if I examine me.. I feel that way.
It is what it is..
You know..if you have the same thing happen to you over and over..
By different people..
Doing the same..
With the same results..
It must either be my choices or me.
After all this time..
It must be me.
I cannot have what I want... need.. deserve..
Just not for me.
I am not worthy.
At least for me.
Just out of my league.
........
So to switch away from my personal misery. .
Good bye my friend.
I heard tonight.
You have left us.
You are missed by your true friends.
You were a person I met in my formative years.. and I had respect for your insights. You helped me without trying.
I am happy to say you were my friend.
Good bye.
R 5/24/17
posted from Bloggeroid
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