Another day. ..

Another one in a series of ones to come.
I should explore any option. Just play it out and see where I end up.
It could be somewhere I want to be..or could learn to like.
Or not...
I believe I can find something good in anyone or any situation.
I have to try to let things happen and search out things I want to find.
I have been closed off for so long. Not wanting to expose myself to rejection or pain.. I have only let myself be free on rare ocassions and was able to enjoy it immensely.. but timing was right for that moment.. and it remains a fixed point in time. It stands on its own..a grand experience.
Change is a constant.
I can be the ever burning light in the dark..but when the sun rises on a new day.. the burning light does not seem as bright.. the suns illumination makes the flame seem dim..
It is good that the morning arrived.. new beginnings and internal illumination makes the flame less than noticeable.
Which is the flames purpose.. to bring the light..and wait for the sunrise.. a companion in the dark.. one to assure you the light will come..and the darkness will lessen.. there are shadows.. ones you still need the light to help..brighten..and it will .. as it is needed..
But the shadows go as the day goes on. The need for the light is less because the sun will rise tomorrow. We sleep in the night so we don't have to worry about the darkness. Then morning comes and it is another day.
It is as it should be. You remember the light..but adjust to the daylight..and find it isnt needed as often..
You must remember the light is always there when you need it..
Or want it..it becomes a comfort..or a sweet scented candle..to remind you of its available light. Always.

So here I am.. looking to find a way to survive this crazy world.
Can I ever find any.. ??
I have a history of making the wrong choice.. or finding what I need on the wrong day.. wrong year.. I accept others suggestions..but not the one I wish..or choose.. not always .. sometimes..what I need. But usually I figure out what I need to keep on and do that.
What is next? I never know.. sometimes I do not know until long after I should.
I am ..I will be.. and I continue.
What I thought I needed in my life to have a happy existance has been elusive.. few and far between..I have nearly given up on that dream.. I have resigned myself to the reality I am living in..
I have had examples to follow..but they never last..and my own mind keeps me from repeating.. but I will continue to try..and make mistakes and disappoint... I will continue to be the guy at the wrong time.. the soul that was born too early or arrived too late.

I have been the right one at the wrong time ..
Unfortunately.. you don't get a second try ..
Those situations..happen..repeatedly..and I know not to lament over it. I was born in the wrong decade..

Which I feel is why I am alone at this time of my life.
Who am I kidding.. I have been alone ..as long as I have been an adult.. different stages..but always..without that soulmate..
As a child. .I had family.. but over the ages..I have seperated myself from the only humans that would understand.
But differences are aparrent..
And I am different.

But not ever enough to be interesting
Or interesting enough.
At least for long term..

For some reason.. my minimal criteria is never met. Never on a long term basis... I can be happy...just never for long.. usually all my fault.

What I have learned..after all this time.. I don't need more than confirmation to run to a place I want to be.

I have had few of those places I needed to be...wanted to be...or had someone that needed me. Or wanted me..
But ..here I am.
Still alone. .
Go figure.

R 5/12/17

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