Busy

I have many things that keep me busy.
Things that occupy my time.
Most are required...to do's..
Some are there just to pass the time. . Things that can develop int time stealers.. things that I do because it can be better than being responsible..
My life as it is..has made me do things I must do to stay happy..
Not overjoyed.. bursting with glee. But not head in the oven..
My life has been tolerable.. if it was not for those things I find enjoyment in..or that give me purpose.. or even those things that give me personal satisfaction..that no one understands fully..
With out those..I would have lost it long ago.

The new people in my circle are keeping me sane..
I am still in the acceptance stage..
For them and me..
It's a I'm not sure yet mode for all ...

I have been busy with work..and news of my friends passing is another hard thing to deal with.

I am dealing with me.. and my place at work and home..and in my distressed mind. It is not as bad as it seems in my blog..
But I do vent the things I cannot express to other humans in person.
My confidant is busy with other things than my troubles..
Understandably.. I am not a priority.. I cannot ask for special exceptions. I don't have the right.

Bill and Ted reference
'Im not worthy'

I need to find that distraction.. mentioned before..

You know..I have many mental fantasies. . Possibilities I could or should persue. .usually only in my mind..and situations I could never figure out how. .in my waking mind..
(Easily talked out of..by the voices in my head)
Just to miss out in the end.

I should have ..
Is a phrase in my catalog..

Unfortunately. .one I have uttered too many times..and usually too late..

So.. I need to plan a visit for a funeral..
I do not know when..but soon.. I missed the last one.. and need to go.. for many reasons.. mainly sanity.. and support.

I need to buy a suit coat.
I have none.

Me and my issues..do not matter...to anyone but me.

I need to just..give in..
Stop looking. .stop being me for a moment..
Look arround and see what I am doing to me..

So.. just being busy..
Keeping the lines open..
Trying to see ..
Trying not to ignore those around me..
And trying to stay up front in the minds of those not around me..

Losing as always..

R 5/25/17

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